April 21, 2018: Saturday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180421
PDF: 20180421

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m so tired I can’t even open my mouth wide enough to yawn.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all — how will he not also, along with him, give us all things? — Romans 8:32

The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven. — Hebrews 1:3

Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts. — Psalm 145:3-4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? — 1 Corinthians 15:55

Thought: Death has the power to end life. Death has the power to separate. Death has the power to discourage and defeat us. But, we know the truth; Jesus lives! Because he lives, we know we will live with him. We believe that his victory over death is our victory. So like Jesus, we mock death and its power to destroy us. Jesus has destroyed death and brought immortality to life… in OUR lives… through the Gospel.

Prayer: Father, I confess that the death of those I love still hurts me. I thank you that my separation from them will only be for a short time. I thank you, however, that death doesn’t separate me for long from those I love and who love you. Thank you for giving me the victory in Jesus. Thank you Jesus for defeating death. In your precious and triumphant name, Jesus Christ the Lord, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 4:21 NIV = And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – APRIL 20, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
247 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is KINDERGARTEN DAY, a day to recognize the importance of play, games, and creative activity in children’s education.  ***It was also the last time I was able to take home a perfect report card.

Today is BIG WORD DAY, a day to use huge words on purpose just to impress yourself. ***Personally, it is my comprehension that celebration of such a trivial holiday as this, is proof of a delusional mind that likely requires psychiatric examination to a tremendous extent.  More fulfilling and productive ritualizations exist.

Since yesterday was 420 Day, today is NATIONAL SURPRISE DRUG TEST DAY. ***How can it be a surprise if we know today is National Surprise Drug Test Day?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Auctioneers Day
Bulldogs are Beautiful Day
Husband Appreciation Day
Kindergarten Day
National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day
National Pro-Life T-Shirt Day
National Surprise Drug Test Day
National Yellow Bat Day
Queen’s Birthday (real date)
Record Store Day
Spring Astronomy Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SUNDAY, APRIL 22

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day
Earth Day
Girl Scout Leaders Day
Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)
“In God We Trust Day” Day
Mother Earth Day
National Jelly Bean Day

MONDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day
English Muffin Day
Impossible Astronaut Day (Dr. Who)
National Lost Dog Awareness Day
Movie Theatre Day
Talk Like Shakespeare Day
World Book & Copyright Day
World Book Night

TUESDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day
Sauvignon Blanc Day
New Kids on The Block Day
World Day for Animals in Laboratories
World Meningitis Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25

Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary’s Day
Denim Day
DNA Day
East Meets West Day (aka Elbe Day)
Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug A Plumber Day or Plumbers Day
International Guide Dogs Day
International Marconi Day
International Noise Awareness Day
License Plates Day
National Mani-pedi Day
Malaria Awareness Day
Parental Alienation Day
Red Hat Society Day
World Penguin Day
National Golf Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 26

Audubon Day
International Girls in Information and Telecommunication Technologies Day
Hug An Australian Day
Lesbian Visibility Day
National Help A Horse Day
National Kids and Pets Day
National Pretzel Day
Poem In Your Pocket Day
Richter Scale Day
Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
World Intellectual Property Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 27

Arbor Day
Babe Ruth Day
Day of Dialogue
Mantanzas Mule Day
Morse Code Day
National Day of Silence
National Devil Dog Cakes Day
National Little Pampered Dog Day
National Hairball Awareness Day
Undiagnosed Children’s Awareness Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 28

Biological Clock Day
Brave Hearts Day
International Table Top Day
International Sculpture Day
Bob Wills Day
Eeyore’s Birthday Day
National Dance Day
National Go Birding Day
National Herb Day
National Pool Opening Day
National Prepare-A-Thon Day
National Rebuilding Day
National Sense of Smell Day
National Superhero Day
National Take Back Day
Save The Frogs Day
Workers Memorial Day
World Day for Safety and Health at Work
World Healing Day
World Tai Chi & Qigong Day
World Veterinary Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 29

Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare
International Dance Day
Mother, Father Deaf Day
National Pet Parent’s Day
“Peace” Rose Day
Pinhole Photography Day
World Wish Day
Zipper Day

MONDAY, APRIL 30

Adopt A Shelter Pet Day
Animal Advocacy Day
Beltane
Bugs Bunny Day
Day of Vesak
Kiss of Hope Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Bubble Tea Day
National Honesty Day
National Military Brats Day
National Prepareathon Day
Spank Out Day – USA
Walpurgis Night

ON THIS DAY

1783: Reginald Heber was born in England. He published his first hymn at age 28. His greatest hit: “Holy, Holy, Holy.”

1789: John Adams was sworn in as the first vice president of the U.S.

1836: Sam Houston’s Texas Army of 900 men surprised and defeated a Mexican force of almost 2,000 in only 18 minutes at San Jacinto. Mexican General Santa Anna was being distracted at the time by the slave girl, Emily. You may have heard of Emily. She was the sweetest little rosebud that Texas ever knew, a beautiful albino girl, half white, half black, “The Yellow Rose of Texas.”

1940: The quiz show “Take It or Leave It” premiered on CBS Radio. It asked the “$64 question.”

1956: Ten-year-old Leonard Ross won $100-thousand on the TV show “The Big Surprise” by answering questions about the stock market.

1974: Dolly Parton left “The Porter Wagoner Show.” Her first recorded song after the split, “I Will Always Love You,” was written to Porter.

1986: After massive hoopla, reporter Geraldo Rivera hosted a live TV special to open a sealed vault linked to Al Capone in Chicago’s Lexington Hotel. Except for a few bottles, the vault was empty.

1987: The U.S. Postal Service issued its first “Special Occasion” stamps, including “Happy Birthday” and “Get Well” stamps.

1993: Bryan Berg of Spirit Lake, Iowa, used 208 decks of playing cards to build a 75-story, 14-foot 6-inch “house of cards.” He devoted 30 hours of meticulous work to setting the Guinness world record.

1993: Deputies near Cudahy, Wisconsin, arrested two men for stealing a large electronic game machine from a bar. The machine was so heavy, their pickup truck got stuck in the mud in the tavern parking lot. One of the men called the sheriff’s office and asked for a tow.

1996: The world’s highest roller-coaster opened in Las Vegas with a track 1,149 feet up. It circled the new Stratosphere hotel.

1998: While Microsoft billionaire Bill Gates presented his new Windows 98 computer operating system to a Chicago convention group, it crashed.

1999: A 32-year-old man robbed the Hickory Smoke Bar-B-Que in Shreveport, but dropped his wallet on the way out. The wallet contained his prison I.D. card, and he was arrested the same day.

2003: A group of Russian train conductors needed hospital treatment after smashing their heads repeatedly against a train window to find out who had the strongest forehead. The conductors came up with the contest to pass time on a 3,000 mile journey from Novosibirsk in Siberia to Vladivostock. The train had to stop so the conductors could receive medical treatment.

2006: U.S. oil prices hit a record high, topping $75 a barrel, and the cost of regular gasoline at the pump soared to more than $3 gallon in some parts of the nation.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1109: Anselm, archbishop of Canterbury and one of the most profound thinkers of the Middle Ages, dies around age 76. He attained fame for his argument that faith is the precondition of knowledge (“credo ut intelligam”), his “satisfaction theory” of the atonement (“No one but one who is God-man can make the satisfaction by which man is saved”) and for his ontological argument for God’s existence.

1142: Medieval French philosopher, teacher, and theologian Pierre Abelard dies. Though well-known for his writings on revelation and the relationship between faith and knowledge, he is probably most remembered for his love letters to Heloise, a nun.

1855: Edward Kimball, a Sunday school teacher in Boston, leads 18-year-old shoe salesman Dwight L. Moody to Christ at the Holton Shoe Store. Moody went on to become the most successful evangelist of his day.

1897: A.W. Tozer, devotional writer (The Pursuit of God and The Knowledge of the Holy) and influential pastor in the Missionary Alliance Church, is born.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • comedian (“MAD TV,” Holly on “The King of Queens”) Nicole Sullivan 48 (audio clip)
  • actress (The Muse, Green Card, Multiplicity, Groundhog Day) Andie MacDowell 60
  • actor (“Taxi,” “Who’s the Boss,” “The Tony Danza Show”) Tony Danza 67 (audio clip)
  • actor (Beethoven, Clifford, Midnight Run, The Couch Trip, Ishtar, political commentator) Charles Grodin 83

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1919 : Don Cornell

1924 : Clara Ward

1931 : Carl Belew

1939 : Ernie Maresca

1945 : Robert Knight

1947 : Alan Warner (The Foundations)

1947 : John Weider (Family)

1947 : Iggy Pop

1948 : Paul Davis

1951 : Nicole Barclay (Fanny)

1951 : Paul Carrack (Ace, Squeeze, Mike & The Mechanics)

1958 : Mike Barson (Madness)

1959 : Robert Smith (The Cure)

1959 : Michael Timmins (Cowboy Junkies)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How do camels survive in the inhospitable desert environment?

The “ship of the desert,” they call them. It’s a heck of a comparison to make when the “ocean” they navigate is all beach. Fortunately, camels are appropriately outfitted by nature for the trip. Let’s first dispose of a widely held misconception. No camel carries a canteen on its back. Those humps are not water sacks; they store fat. However camels can convert that fat into water–a good thing, since they might otherwise get dehydrated from their nasty habit of spitting when angry. As for dealing directly with that hot sun: no sweat. In fact, camels don’t have to sweat because–surprise!–they wear a camel’s hair coat. The hair on their back is thick enough to shield their skin from the sun and keep heat out. Their relatively hairless belly, on the other hand, enables body heat to escape. All in all, a well engineered, if not always pleasant beast.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals found out the source of the giant footprints… there were from a giant gorilla! Somehow, all of the animals were able to run away and hide from the gorilla in a giant, scary cave… and now Cheetah Bonita is thinking the gorilla might not be so mean.

CLOSE: Here we go again! Will Millard be able to escape the gorilla’s grip? Will the gorilla try and eat the other animals too? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Trying to be a success is one thing. Trying to be a success, but being a bonehead at the same time, that’s another thing. One man tries to be a successful author, but ends up a true inDUHvidual!

Today’s Moment of Duh centers on an award-winning reporter for the Washington Post who is believed to have wanted to send his new book up the best seller list. So he purchased between 16,000 and 18,000 copies of his own book, online, from Barnesandnoble.com. He was caught though, when he tried to return every single one of them in a “confusing series of transactions.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT A WORK DAY IS NECESSARY IN YOUR CHURCH’S BUILDING

10. The dust bunnies outnumber the congregation 3 to 1!

9. The baptistery was just featured in National Geographic in an article entitled, “The Quest For New Life Forms”!

8. The church mice are circulating a petition demanding better living conditions!

7. Instead of using the bathrooms in the building, the congregation has started to frequent the restrooms in the service station next door!

6. The plan to include an air freshener in each worship bulletin hasn’t really worked to improve the overall air quality!

5. The congregation is no longer fully convinced that the mold on the walls is a “message from God that needs to be interpreted”!

4. Young people in the community just voted the church as “The Public Building Most Like Their Rooms”!

3. A visitor commented on the stained glass windows. You don’t have any!

2. The grassroots movement in your church refers to the carpet, not the people!

1. JESUS is coming!!!!!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A Tyler, Texas man has been sent to jail for having a Sweet Tooth!

FILE #1: It seems that Kenneth Payne received a 16-year prison sentence after being convicted of stealing a Snicker’s Candy Bar from a convenience store. 16 years in jail seem a little stiff for that? Well it wasn’t the first time that his sweet tooth landed him in trouble. He has a previous conviction for stealing a bag of Oreos. So, the district attorney’s office tried Payne as a habitual offender, bumping the misdemeanor shoplifting charge to felony theft. His lawyer will appeal.

FILE #2: A good rule of thumb for criminals is it’s probably not a good idea to ask for help from the person you just robbed. Police in Toronto arrested a man for robbing an attorney’s office. While questioning him at the police station, the cops advised the crook that he probably should contact an attorney. Guess whose number he gave the police to call? Yes, the same attorney’s office he had been burglarizing. Police advised that he should probably call someone else.

FILE #3: It was a bad case of mistaken identity for a woman from Ft. Worth, Texas. Shortly after she left a bank ATM, the 39-year-old woman found herself being stopped by the police, cuffed, pushed to the ground and had policemen’s guns pointed at her. She thought maybe she had run a stop sign (a bit harsh don’t you think). The cops thought she had just robbed the bank. It seems that just as she was getting in her car to leave the ATM, a bank robber was fleeing the Bank of America. A teller thought her car was the getaway vehicle. Police quickly figured out they had the wrong person. The mistaken identity incident was on top of an already unpleasant banking experience. The ATM machine took her cash and didn’t give her a receipt. So she gets ripped off and caught by the police, meanwhile the real crook still remains at large.

STRANGE LAW: In Massachusetts, it is unlawful to injure a football goal post.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

In Lodi, California, 54-year-old parolee Daniel Santos Ramirez is back behind bars after shopping at Wal-Mart.

While shopping at Wal-Mart isn’t an actual crime, Ramirez left some items behind at the check stand after making his purchase. Those items would include nine baggies of methamphetamine and $420 in cash. Ramirez was also nice enough to leave behind his wallet and ID to make the job of arresting him that much easier. His timing also was unfortunate as Ramirez was due to get off parole three days later.

PHONER PHUN

What book are you currently reading in the bathroom?

What does your spouse read in the bathroom?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: This king was ” higher than any of the people from the shoulders upward”.

ANSWER: King Saul (1 Samuel 9:2)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Who was made the first honorary citizen of the United States?

ANSWER: Winston Churchill

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The first place in the western world to give women the right to vote was an island known as Man. (True)

2. Tangerines are named after the Moroccan city of Tangiers. (True)

3. In 1836 the U.S. government had so much extra money that it repaid all its debts, and still had money left over. (True)

4. Each person’s ears are unique. (True)

5. Every year 800 people injure themselves while using a tooth pick. (False – 8,000)

6. Sliced bread was patented in 1904. (False, 1954)

7. On average, adults watch double the amount of TV as teenagers do. (True)

8. We spend approximately 3 years of our lives waiting for red lights. (False – but we do spend six months!)

9. On average, when asked for a color, 3 out of 5 people will say blue. (False, red.)

10. It would take 15,840,000 rolls of wallpaper to cover the Great Wall of China. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“______ MONEY” HANDED OUT IN NEW YORK (TRUMP)

People are lining up in New York City trying to get some “Trump Money.”

Responding to a local rumor, people are standing in line for hours, turning over valuable personal information and expecting to receive a government handout in New York City.

If this sounds familiar, it is. Back in the fall of 2009, thousands of people stood in line in Michigan expecting to be given some Obama money. It never arrived.

People in NYC are lining up because they heard that people were getting a debit card loaded with as much as $1,000

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

An three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch. The first construction worker said, “Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I’m so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tomorrow, I’m gonna jump off this building and kill myself.”
The second construction worker said, “Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I’m so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I’m gonna kill myself, too!”
The last construction worker said, “Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I’m getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I’m going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper.”
The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself. The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.
At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, “If only he had told me! I wouldn’t have made another ham sandwich.”
The wife of the second construction worker said, “If only he had told me! I wouldn’t have made another turkey sandwich.”
The wife of the third construction worker said, “I don’t know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!”

JOKE #2

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its tail, and said “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license, boy?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its tail, and said, “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got an Arkansas license?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its tail, and said, “This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?”

Again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the heck are you from?”

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, and said, “You tell me!  You’re the expert!”

JOKE #3

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country’s greatest works of art.  Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her.  At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

“Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted.”

“Oh my, “the grandmother says.  “He and I must have the same landlord.”

USELESS FACTS

Scientists have created a radio smaller than a grain of sand. ***But they had a really hard time plugging in the headphones.

The dollar sign originated from taking the abbreviation of the United States and placing one on top of the other. Later, the bottom of the “U” was dropped to form the present day design of the dollar sign.  ***That’s right – money only works if U (you) are not involved.

FEATURED FUNNIES

FARMER ROSCOE

Farmer Roscoe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Roscoe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer. Farmer Roscoe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question.” “Did you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!” Farmer Roscoe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Roscoe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Roscoe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

15 year old Michael Carter received a new kidney – from the most unlikely of sources.

You see his relatives and friends were tested as potential kidney donors, but were rejected. And one day on the school playground his teacher at R. Max Abbot Middle School in Chapel Hill, NC. asked him to pull up his baggy jeans at recess. He explained to her that his loose fitting pants were more comfortable because he was undergoing dialysis and was waiting for a kidney transplant. It was then that Jane Smith said casually, “I’ve got 2, do you want one?” The rest is history. ***MARLAR: And wow – what pressure Mike has now to pay attention in class!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE GOLDEN RULE

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president of Harvard’s outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn’t even deserve to be in Cambridge.

She frowned. “We want to see the president,” the man said softly. “He’ll be busy all day,” the secretary snapped.

“We’ll wait,” the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn’t. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. “Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they’ll leave,” she told him.

And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn’t have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, “We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.”

The president wasn’t touched, he was shocked. “Madam,” he said gruffly. “We can’t put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery”.

“Oh, no,” the lady explained quickly. “We don’t want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.”

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, “A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard.”

For a moment the lady was silent.

The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, “Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don’t we just start our own?”

Her husband nodded.

The president’s face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

PASS IT ON

Read: Psalm 71:12-18

When I am old and grayheaded, O God, do not forsake me, until I declare Your strength to this generation. —Psalm 71:18

Getting older doesn’t mean becoming obsolete. It can mean growing, maturing, serving, ministering, venturing, enjoying ourselves to the end of our days. “Old men ought to be explorers,” author T. S. Eliot said. One of my friends says, “Have a blast while you last.”

To idle away our last years is to rob ourselves of what could be the best years of our lives and to deprive the church of gifts God has given to enrich it. There is still service to be rendered and there are victories to be won.

Some older folks may not have the energy or inclination for leadership, but they are an invaluable asset to the next generation of leaders. John Wesley was asked what he would do if he knew he had only a short time to live. He responded, “I should meet with my young men till the moment came that I was called to yield my spirit back to Him that gave it.”

The psalmist also desired to pass along his understanding of the Lord to others, and he prayed, “When I am old and grayheaded, O God, do not forsake me, until I declare Your strength to this generation” (Psalm 71:18).

We too should remain open to being used by God to enrich others’ lives. Our greatest usefulness may be to pass our understanding of God on to others. —David Roper

The longer we live, the more that we know,
Old age is the time for wisdom to show;
Who knows how much good some word we might say
Could do for the leaders of some future day. —Bosch

To forget the elderly is to ignore the wisdom of the years.

LEFTOVERS

WANT A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP?

Insomnia is a serious health hazard that afflicts 50% of all Americans, especially women. You don’t have to take drugs to get that much needed good night’s sleep. Try these simple tricks instead and you’ll be insweet dreamland shortly after your head hits the pillow:

  • Straighten up your bedroom. You’ll reduce stress and sleep better. * Keep your bedroom cool. Snuggle under a blanket if you feel chilly.

  • An hour before you hit the sack, eat a slice of whole grain bread with peanut butter and a glass of milk to give yourself a dose of the sleep inducing amino acid tryptophan.

  • Wear an eye mask to keep light from interrupting your brain’s production of melatonin, a hormone that plays a key role in sleep.

  • Listen to soothing music. Try to match the tempo to the normal human heart rate of 60 to 80 beats per minute. Studies show that music makes you drowsy.  ***MARLAR: Easy music to find if you planning on taking a snooze in an elevator.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Paul Bootham is definitely not Mr. Fix-It and he’s definitely not a plumber!

Bootham was trying to unclog his kitchen sink so he poured a powerful drain cleaner down the drain. Not satisfied with just that, he followed that up by pouring some bleach down the drain…and that turned out to be a bad combination. The mixture of drain cleaner and liquid bleach began fizzing and bubbling and quickly filled his house with deadly fumes. His whole family had to flee the house before the fumes did any damage. It then took three fire crews, a chemical unit and a damage control unit two hours to maintain and deal with the deadly and highly explosive mix of chlorine and hydrogen gases. So, if you’re faced with the same kind of clog, you might want to try a plunger first.

JUST FOR FUN

SAY THAT AGAIN?

How weird would it be if you could never hear your own voice, yet could hear every else?

Doctors have discovered a rare condition that affects only a few victims around the world. It’s a bizarre ailment in which a person finds it impossible to hear their own voice. When they speak, somehow “white noise” is created in their brain which drowns out the sounds made by their vocal chords, so they can hear others, they just can’t hear themselves.  ***MARLAR: If they could reverse that so you could tune out the specific of somebody else, they’d make a fortune from husbands.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS IT’S TIME TO GET A NEW CAR

  • Neighbor tired of duct-taping your door shut

  • Only car in the neighborhood that starts by cranking it.

  • Dealer still laughing when you asked if they took trade ins

  • Car thieves break in and leave donations

  • Family says for this year’s vacation to Montana they’d rather walk

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

NIGHTMARE IS REALITY

A South African man was walking to work on a remote, narrow path that he uses each day when he was attacked by a python that tried to squeeze him to death! 57 year old Lucas Sibanda said the snake suddenly appeared from behind some shrubs and tangled itself around him. While the python began constricting him, Sibanda sank his teeth into the reptile and kicked and punched until it released its grip. Pythons suffocate their prey before swallowing it whole and have been known to kill and eat antelope species but attacks on humans are rare. Taking a bite out of the snake could possibly have been the only thing that saved him. ***MARLAR: Of course, like everything else in the world, it tasted like chicken.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ve recently discovered how to unite gravity with the strong and weak nuclear forces and the electromagnetic force.  This finally completes the much-sought-after Grand Unified Theory which confounded even Albert Einstein.  But I’m not going to tell anybody what it is until somebody fixes my cable.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 20, 2018…

Rampage-–Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is back on the screen with an early try for a spring blockbuster.  In this film, Johnson is a Primatologist (no, it is not another political party) and through his life, until now, he is friends with a silver-back gorilla named George. Enter something that alters the equation, yes, the experiment gone awry, and George begins growing larger and larger, and with a bit of a temper, too.  Not only that, but other creatures are becoming Godzilla-size and roaming the country. What to do?  Well, The Rock can’t wrestle everything to the ground, so there are other measures, but George is special. Also, in the cast are Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Will Yun Lee, Malin Akerman, Marley Shelton and Joe Manganiello. “Rampage” is rated PG 13 for action sequences. Rating of 2 for fans.

Super Troopers 2—This group of police, namely Highway Patrol, are now sent to the border between Canada and the U.S. There is somewhat of a dispute there and a Highway Patrol Station is needed.  Can anything go right?  The cast includes Rob Lowe, Lynda Carter, Brian Cox and Tyler Labine. “Super Troopers 2” is rated R. No rating.

APRIL 27 2018…

Avengers: Infinity and who hasn’t been waiting for this film? Your favorite  comic book characters are back in action to save the world.

Animal Crackers is an animated film about inheriting an old circus. Voices of John Krasinski and Danny DeVito.

I Feel Pretty stars Amy Schumer as a woman who suddenly thinks she is pretty.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.