April 23, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep • Marlar House Productions

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180423
PDF: 20180423

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

One thing I love about radio is that you have a little privacy from your audience. For example, and I know you can’t see this, but I’ve worn the same shirt for over a month now.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“On the farms, in the large metropolitan areas, in the smaller cities and in the villages, millions of our citizens cherish the hope that their old standards of living and of thought have not gone forever. Those millions cannot and shall not hope in vain. I pledge you, I pledge myself, to a new deal for the American people.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and he carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. –Isaiah 53:3-4

Jesus said, “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” — John 10:28-30

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. — Psalm 46:1-2

Thought: God is not only our protector; he is also our helper. Even when our world seems to be crashing around us, he is there. He will deliver us from death or deliver us through death. He will deliver us from evil or he will deliver us to overcome evil. Our task is to trust that in the midst of our earthquakes and tidal waves we are not alone or abandoned.

Prayer: Holy God, I pray for those today who are in the middle of life’s earthquakes. You know those for whom I am concerned. You know I care about their struggles which are too big for me to mitigate and too painful for me to truly bring comfort. I ask you now, to bless them, be with them, and please deliver them quickly. You are our only true hope and Jesus is our only sure redeemer. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Proverbs 4:23 NIV = Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

TODAY IS MONDAY – APRIL 22, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 245 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

This is NATIONAL VOLUNTEER WEEK. ***Celebrations were suspended this year, however, as they did not have enough volunteers to make the event possible.

NATIONAL PLAYGROUND SAFETY WEEK begins today. ***So if you must fall from the monkey bars onto the concrete, please land on the softest part of your body possible.

This is NATIONAL KARAOKE WEEK. ***I took a Karaoke class once, and I still don’t see how it’s supposed to help me defend myself.

TODAY IS ALSO…

English Language Day
English Muffin Day
Impossible Astronaut Day (Dr. Who)
National Lost Dog Awareness Day
Movie Theatre Day
Talk Like Shakespeare Day
World Book & Copyright Day
World Book Night

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day
Sauvignon Blanc Day
New Kids on The Block Day
World Day for Animals in Laboratories
World Meningitis Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25

Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary’s Day
Denim Day
DNA Day
East Meets West Day (aka Elbe Day)
Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug A Plumber Day or Plumbers Day
International Guide Dogs Day
International Marconi Day
International Noise Awareness Day
License Plates Day
National Mani-pedi Day
Malaria Awareness Day
Parental Alienation Day
Red Hat Society Day
World Penguin Day
National Golf Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 26

Audubon Day
International Girls in Information and Telecommunication Technologies Day
Hug An Australian Day
Lesbian Visibility Day
National Help A Horse Day
National Kids and Pets Day
National Pretzel Day
Poem In Your Pocket Day
Richter Scale Day
Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
World Intellectual Property Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 27

Arbor Day
Babe Ruth Day
Day of Dialogue
Mantanzas Mule Day
Morse Code Day
National Day of Silence
National Devil Dog Cakes Day
National Little Pampered Dog Day
National Hairball Awareness Day
Undiagnosed Children’s Awareness Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 28

Biological Clock Day
Brave Hearts Day
International Table Top Day
International Sculpture Day
Bob Wills Day
Eeyore’s Birthday Day
National Dance Day
National Go Birding Day
National Herb Day
National Pool Opening Day
National Prepare-A-Thon Day
National Rebuilding Day
National Sense of Smell Day
National Superhero Day
National Take Back Day
Save The Frogs Day
Workers Memorial Day
World Day for Safety and Health at Work
World Healing Day
World Tai Chi & Qigong Day
World Veterinary Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 29

Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare
International Dance Day
Mother, Father Deaf Day
National Pet Parent’s Day
“Peace” Rose Day
Pinhole Photography Day
World Wish Day
Zipper Day

MONDAY, APRIL 30

Adopt A Shelter Pet Day
Animal Advocacy Day
Beltane
Bugs Bunny Day
Day of Vesak
Kiss of Hope Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Bubble Tea Day
National Honesty Day
National Military Brats Day
National Prepareathon Day
Spank Out Day – USA
Walpurgis Night

TUESDAY, MAY 01

Batman Day (Also in September)
Beltane
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
Executive Coaching Day
Foster Care Day
Global Love Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Workers Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
Law Day
Lei Day
Lemonade Day
Loyalty Day
May Day
May One Day
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
Skyscraper Day
Stepmother’s Day
World Asthma Day

ON THIS DAY

33: According to Christian tradition, Jesus Christ was raised from the dead, marking this date as the first Easter. (Other sources put the year at 29 A.D., pointing to a four year mistake in the Gregorian calendar.)

1564: This date is believed to be the birth date of English poet and dramatist William Shakespeare; he died exactly 52 years later, also on April 23.

1616: William Shakespeare died on his 52^nd birthday. ***It’s rumored that a friend of Shakespeare wanted to play a tuba at his funeral, but Shakespeare’s wife couldn’t decide if that was appropriate or not. Tuba or not tuba, that was the question.

1939: Singer Ray Peterson was born in Denton, Texas. He learned to play guitar while recovering from polio at a San Antonio hospital. His 1960 hit “Tell Laura I Love Her” made the Tear Jerker Hall of Fame.

1949: Gov. Adlai Stevenson of Illinois vetoed a bill that would have protected birds by requiring the legal restraint of cats.

1952: In his first major-league at-bat, New York Giants relief pitcher Hoyt Wilhelm hit his first and last home run. He pitched in 1,070 games in 21 years, but never hit another home run.

1964: Ken Johnson of the Houston Colts threw the first no-hit game for a loss in baseball history. Cincinnati’s Reds beat Johnson’s no hitter by a score of 1-0 by capitalizing on two costly Houston errors.

1971: Harold Witcomb and Gerald Harding shelled 12,600 eggs in a 7-hour shift in Bowyers, England. Both men were blind.

1975: B.J. Thomas scored with the longest song title to hit #1 on Billboard’s pop music chart: “(Hey Won’t You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song.” It stayed #1 for one week.

1985: Coca-Cola announced it was changing the secret flavor formula for Coke. Negative public reaction forced the company to resume selling a version similar to the original. ***Think of it as Van Halen hoping to gain more fans by releasing an album of Broadway tunes.

1989: With the first pick in the NFL draft, the Dallas Cowboys chose UCLA quarterback Troy Aikman.

1989: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar played his last game with the Los Angeles Lakers.

1991: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,008,959) to Edward and Richard Coppage of Centreville, Virginia, for their Bulletproof Dress Shirt, a bulletproof shirt that can be manufactured in various colors and styles to keep a person fashionable and safe. ***It used to be that Mom would only ask you to wear clean underwear in case of an accident.

1997: A replica of playwright William Shakespeare’s English birthplace, Stratford-on-Avon, opened 40 miles east of Tokyo, Japan.

2001: Two Canadian youngsters used a blanket to catch a four-year-old boy falling from a fourth-floor window. Police praised nine-year-old Stephanie Boddy and six-year-old Samantha Quinn for their quick reactions. The girls saw Skyler Christou toppling out of a window in Barrie, Ontario, when they were having a picnic. Samantha and Stephanie used their blanket to catch the toddler. He bounced off onto the ground, but the blanket broke the fall and he was not seriously hurt.

2002: President Bush’s top White House aide, Karen Hughes, resigned to go home to Texas with her family.

2005: Health officials in Vietnam said they feared the South Asian outbreak of bird flu was likely to spawn a pandemic.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

303: Christian martyr Saint George is believed to have been killed. According to legend he rescued a Libyan king’s daughter after slaying the dragon that was about to devour her. Although little factual information is known, it is said that Saint George’s defense of Christianity led to his arrest, torture, and execution.

1073: Hildebrand is elected pope, taking the name Gregory VII. The first pope to excommunicate a ruler (Henry IV), Gregory was driven out of Rome in 1084. “I have loved righteousness and hated iniquity,” were his last words, “therefore I died in exile.

1538: John Calvin and William Farel (whom Calvin was assisting) are banished from Geneva. The day before, Easter Sunday, both had refused to administer communion, saying the city was too full of vice to partake. Three years later, Calvin returned to the city he would forever be associated with.

1959: Church properties in Poland are confiscated by the Communist government. The church is required to lease them back for use.

1968: The Evangelical United Brethren Church joins with the much larger Methodist Church, forming the United

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actress (“Birds of Prey,” Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer ) Rachel Skarsten 33 (audio clip)
actress (Detective Stella Bonasera on “CSI: NY,” Dr. Sydney Hansen on “Providence” ) Melina Kanakaredes 51 (audio clip)
actor-comedian (“George Lopez”) George Lopez 57 (audio clip)
actress (“One Day at a Time,” “Touched By An Angel”) Valerie Bertinelli 58 (audio clip)
comedian (“Saturday Night Live”) Jan Hooks 61 (audio clip)
actress (“Three’s Company”) Joyce DeWitt 69 (audio clip)
filmmaker-author (Fahrenheit 9/11, Bowling For Columbine, Roger And Me) Michael Moore 64
actor (“The Big Valley,” “The Fall Guy,” “The Six Million Dollar Man”) Lee Majors is 79 (audio clip #1, audio clip #2)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1891 : Sergey Prokofiev

1935 : Ray Peterson

1936 : April Stevens

1936 : Roy Orbison

1940 : Dale Houston (Dale & Grace)

1947 : Glenn Cornick (Jethro Tull)

1949 : John Miles

1952 : Narada Michael Walden

1960 : Steve Clark (Def Leppard)

1969 : Stan Frazier (Sugar Ray)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Where do mosquitoes hang out, and what do they do when they’re not biting you?

Who knows where the bloody things hang out? Maybe at the Type O Club, where old proofreaders also go to get away from it all. Ok, I did the research. Typically, mosquitoes put the bite on you at night or, if they’re crepuscular (sounds like someone who doesn’t blow his nose, doesn’t it?), at twilight. They hate sunlight, but you probably already guessed that. During the day, they’re likely to be in the grass, on a tree, under a bridge or in a house on a wall away from light. And what are they doing when not drinking your blood or mating? Not much of anything. Well are they just hanging out or asleep? We’re not sure. If you have an itch to know, put your ear next to one and tell me if it’s snoring.
Source: DO PENGUINS HAVE KNEES? By David Feldman

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In Louisiana, a woman came home to find a stranger, naked, taking a bath in her bathtub while eating her Cheetos. ***I’m not sure what’s worse – finding a naked man has broken into the house, or discovering that someone has eaten all of your Cheetos. That’d be a close call.

Charlize Theron put on 50 pounds for the role in her latest movie, “Tully.” ***And yet she’s still sexier than I am.

Former House Speaker John Boehner, who was against the legalization of marijuana while serving in Congress, is now a lobbyist for the marijuana industry. ***After that many years as a D.C. politician, I’d need something to take the edge off too.

When you yawn, and that causes your dog to yawn, he’s one smart pooch. Some dogs find human yawns contagious, which suggests they are a rudimentary capacity for empathy, something scientists thought only applied to humans and chimpanzees. 72% of the 29 dogs tested by British researchers at London’s Birkbeck College were so sensitive to human yawns that seeing one made them yawn in response. ***Either that, or your dog just finds you extremely boring.

Starting May 1, you’ll need a note from your doctor to bring your “emotional support animal” on board your Alaska Airlines flight. ***So good luck in convincing your doctor that your peacock is an emotional support animal.

Chipotle may start offering breakfast burritos. ***Which is great news if you were looking to get salmonella earlier in the day!

Police in Berlin, Germany, confiscated an air raid siren which a 73-year-old man used to stun his wife into submission. The man said he occasionally sounded the siren because “my wife never lets me get a word in.” In response, his wife said she sometimes had to yell to get his attention because “my husband is a stubborn mule so I have to get loud.” ***This guy doesn’t need an air raid siren – he needs noise-blocking headphones!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

According to a recent Time magazine poll, 80% percent of Americans surveyed say children are more spoiled today than they were 10 years ago. ***The other 20% weren’t polled because they were busy picking up their children’s dirty socks, brushing their children’s ponies, and shopping for them in the Walmart toys aisle.

Don’t despair if you can’t fit in the recommended 30 minutes of daily exercise. Growing evidence suggests that even half that much can help. Regular exercise strengthens muscles, reduces the risk of some diseases and promotes mental well-being. The more exercise, the better. But not everyone has the time or willpower. So researchers set out to find the minimum amount of physical activity needed to reap health benefits. The findings by a study in Taiwan suggest just 15 minutes of moderate exercise a day can lead to a longer life. ***I’m good to go then – I spend at LEAST fifteen minutes a day running… back and forth to and from the refrigerator…

In a survey of 6,000 women, it turns out most don’t want to see our furry feet and trashy toes. Flip-flops? Nope, not unless you’re going to the beach, the lake, hanging out by the pool, or sitting on a boat. Sandals? Sorry, still too much toe-action. ***This is precisely why I wear socks with my sandals.

Too much sugar will make you stupid, according to researchers. The suggestion follows tests in the laboratory comparing high-fructose corn syrup, which is six times sweeter than cane sugar and a common ingredient in processed foods, with omega-3 fatty acids, known to aid memory and learning. In an experiment on rats, one group had a sugary diet for six weeks and another was fed healthily. At the start of the study, published in the Journal of Physiology, the University of California team tested how well the rats navigated a maze – placing landmarks to help them learn the way. Six weeks later, the researchers tested the rats’ ability to recall the route. Study co-author Professor Fernando Gomez-Pinilla said the rats fed just a sugary diet were slower and their brains had declined. He said: ‘Eating a high-fructose diet over the long term alters your brain’s ability to learn and remember information. ***Even worse, it took them six tries to finally spell “fructose” correctly.

If you take a lunchtime run, walk, or stroll, you’ll return to work feeling less stressed if you exercise in a park. Finnish researchers found that even short-term visits to nature areas have positive effects on perceived stress relief. ***Or if you’re in a rush, skip the park walk and listen to the song MacArthur Park.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals found out the source of the giant footprints… there were from a giant gorilla! Somehow, all of the animals were able to run away and hide from the gorilla in a giant, scary cave… and now Cheetah Bonita is thinking the gorilla might not be so mean.

CLOSE: Here we go again! Will Millard be able to escape the gorilla’s grip? Will the gorilla try and eat the other animals too? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Spend any time in a hospital and you’re bound to be shocked by the type of bill you can rack up…

… and Herman Wicker of Evansville, Indiana is upset at the amount of his hospital bill, too. He recently received a bill for one cent. That’s right… a penny. The retired car salesman went to the emergency room and was billed a penny. But Wicker still refuses to pay it. He says Medicare and private insurance covered his visit. And get this – a collection agency came after him saying that if he didn’t pay the penny, he would be in jeopardy of hurting his good credit rating! However, he still refuses to pay the bill.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO COME TO CHURCH IN THE SUMMER

10. The last time you wore your sunglasses in church the preacher got paranoid.

9. You’re part of the church baseball league and last week you made a sacrificial bunt. That should count for something!

8. Your kids are already getting all the moral values they need from cable TV

7. Hey, inner peace, fulfillment and salvation are probably over rated anyway.

6. The last time you attended the worship service, the deacons frowned on you using the collection plate to practice your putt!

5. Because you figure if God wanted us to go to church in the Summer, He would have commanded us to install BBQ pits!

4. Hey, the disciples went home and fished for awhile, so why can’t you?

3. Even Larzarus slept in once in a while, right?

2. You mean they HAVE church in the summer?

1. Sadly, you don’t understand how important your efforts and support are for the Body of Christ in your area!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Sometimes the police see the strangest things when they pull someone over.

FILE #1: A state trooper in Brazoria, Texas, pulled over a car that was making suspicious U-turns. He then noticed a six-foot alligator riding contentedly on the ledge below the back windshield. The driver, William Johnson, told the trooper that there was also a water moccasin, a poisonous water snake, in the car, and it had bitten him on the hand. Johnson moved to Texas from Tennessee and was known for his love of reptiles. He was arrested for intoxication, then on burglary charges after the cop found a stolen hair trimmer and game controller in his car. Earlier that night, he had allegedly knocked on a door at a trailer park to ask for help moving a TV. The homeowner told him, “That’s not your house,” and he left the TV on the lawn and drove away with his gator and snake.

FILE #2: Three robbers plotted to rob a bank south of Stockholm recently. Apparently, they didn’t spend a great deal of time on their planning. As one masked man stormed into the bank with an automatic weapon and demanded that the teller hand over the money, the two others waited outside in a getaway vehicle. The gunman quickly ran out of the bank, hopped into the getaway car and the sped away empty handed. It turned out to be a cashless bank branch.

FILE #3: Police in Honolulu are looking for a man who tried to rob a bank. ‘Tried’ would be the operative word in the previous sentence. The man walked up to a teller with a note demanding money. While the teller tried to figure out what the note said, the man handed over a second note for a withdrawal. When the teller then asked him for ID, the man got flustered and took off empty handed.

STRANGE LAW: In Maine, shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Car, where’s my dude?

Police near Bismarck, North Dakota, recently stopped a car on Interstate 94 because it had steam rolling out from under the hood. It turns out that the car was smoking marijuana. The deputy discovered a bag of marijuana shoved against the vehicle’s air intake, which was causing the car to overheat. 37-year old Johnny Lerma got to cool his heels in jail for felony possession of marijuana and driving on a suspended license.

PHONER PHUN

What kind of things did your parents used to pack in your lunch that you absolutely hated? Did you always trade them to some other kid, throw them in the trash, or did you eat them anyway?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: To whom did Jesus say, “Hereafter you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Power, and coming on the clouds of heaven”?

ANSWER: The High Priest (Matthew 26:64)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What food should never be stored near potatoes?

ANSWER: Apples… they give off ethylene gas which causes potatoes to sprout.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The average woman consumes 2 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime. (False – 6 pounds!)

2. The average person swallows 8 spiders a year. (True)

3. It only takes 7 pounds of pressure to rip your ear off. (True – ouch!)

4. Air causes super glue to dry. (False – it’s moisture that dries Super Glue.)

5. A wedding ring is generally exempt by law from inclusion among the assets in a bankruptcy estate. (True. That means that a wedding ring can’t be seized by creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.)

6. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them. (True. A fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.)

7. Tuxedo Park, New York is named after the tailless dinner jacket of the same name. (False – the tuxedo was invented in Tuxedo Park, New York. It is named after the town…not the other way around.)

8. There is no such thing as naturally blue food. (True, even blueberries are purple.)

9. Venetian blinds were invented in Australia. (False – Japan)

10. Welsh mercenary bow men in the medieval period only wore one shoe at a time. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

STUDY: CONGRESS FILLED WITH _______ (MORONS)

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A groundbreaking study has determined that 83% of the members of Congress are certified morons!

The Kennedy School of Government did a longitudinal study over the last 30 years that looked at the average IQ of members of Congress – the Senate & House of Representatives.

The study found that, despite the many advanced degrees from prestigious universities, and despite the fact that many in Congress are millionaires, the average IQ of U.S. Representatives is 101. The average IQ of U.S. Senators, is surprisingly, even lower at 98.

“We spent one hour a month with each member of Congress over the last thirty years. We gave them a number of IQ tests – including math problems, verbal problems and analytic reasoning problems. The results were consistent year-in-year out. Members of Congress are morons,” said Professor Thomas Turley of Harvard.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, “Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?”

“No, dear, not at all,” he replied, “Our house isn’t blue.”

He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.

JOKE #2

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies’ Group in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after running through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured..She said, “Oh dear, there is no time to bake another cake.”

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom– a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9.30, and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the Daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold..Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified, she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend, and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP’d. She could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South…and to Alice’s horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “what a beautiful cake!” Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.” Alice smiled and thought to herself, “GOD is good.”

JOKE #3

A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life’s calling and could she send her some information.

The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.

Then the woman said, “You misspelled ‘teach’.”

USELESS FACTS

A cat in London was put on a drug similar to Prozac because it was depressed and gaining weight. ***Wait a minute… so it was getting fat and acting lethargic? Isn’t that called “being a cat”?

A recent report says there are currently 1.5 billion cell phones in the world. ***And they’re all being used by someone driving in front of me.

FEATURED FUNNIES

COCKROACH KILLING

My wife is too afraid of cockroaches, one fine day I heard scream of my wife. She saw a cockroach and was screaming. I asked her to take the killing spray and to spray on the cockroach. She took the spray and turned to me and said, “THIS SPRAY IS ONLY TO KILL THE MOSQUITOES,” and how can it work for the cockroach, I said to her. “Don’t show the label to the cockroach!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Did you know that Molly Ringwald turned down the Julia Roberts role in the movie “Pretty Woman?” And that Robert DeNiro was being considered for the role of Willy Wonka? It’s true!

Molly Ringwald turned down the Julia Roberts role in the movie “Pretty Woman”
While we’re talking about Julia Roberts movies, Sandra Bullock lost out to Julia Roberts for “Runaway Bride.”
We know the new version of Willy Wonka played by Johnny Depp – but Robert DeNiro was being considered for the role, as was Jim Carey and John Cleese.
Meanwhile, Johnny Depp lost the role of Johnny Blaze in “Ghost Rider” to Nicolas Cage, the role of “Mr. Smith” to Brad Pitt, and the role of Jack in “Titanic.”
Along with auditioning for Willy Wonka, Robert DeNiro was also considered for the role of Sal in “Do the Right Thing,” and the role of Hannibal Lechter in “Silence of the Lambs.”
Jim Carey didn’t get the part of Willy Wonka, nor did he get the part of Howard Hughes in “The Aviator” – which went to Leonardo DiCaprio.

Another Willy Wonka wannabee? Brad Pitt. And though the part of Jason Bourne went to Matt Damon for “The Bourne Identity” it was actually written with Brad Pitt in mind.
Jessica Alba auditioned for the part of Elektra in “Dare Devil, a role which ended up going to Jennifer Garner.
Alec Baldwin turned down several roles including Batman in two of the Batman movies (which went to Michael Keaton) and Sam in “Ghost.”
Harrison Ford was also considered for the role of Sam in “Ghost.”
This would’ve been interesting… Ashton Kutcher turned down for the role of Batman in “Batman Begins,” and the role of Superman in “Superman Returns.”
While we’re talking super heroes, Paul Newman tested for the role of Superman (which of course went to Christopher Reeve). He was also, considered for the role of James Bond in “Live and Let Die,” and lost the role of “Dirty” Harry Callahan to Clint Eastwood. .
Clint Eastwood was considered to play the part of Rambo in “First Blood.”
Keanu Reeves as Wolverine? Almost – but he was turned down. He was also turned down for the role of Charlie Babbit in “Rain Man,” and Aragorn in “Lord of the Rings.”
Nicolas Cage turned down for the role of John Bender (the tough guy Judd Nelson part) in “The Breakfast Club”
Courtney Cox auditioned for the role of Princess Buttercup in “The Princess Bride”.
Mel Gibson auditioned to play Mozart in “Amadeus” and lost the part to Tom Hulce. He also lost out to Robin Williams in “The Dead Poet’s Society”.
Hugh Jackman lost the role of Robert Langdon in “The DaVinci Code” to Tom Hanks.
Courtney Love didn’t get the parts of Dorothy in “Jerry Maguire” or the lead role in “Moulin Rouge.”
Jack Nicholson lost the role of Benjamin Braddock in “The Graduate” to Dustin Hoffman.
Gwyneth Paltrow – One of the contenders for Samantha in “Bewitched” and lost the role of Roxie in “Chicago.”
Meryl Streep lost the part of Evita to Madonna. (What?!??! How do you give a role to Madonna rather than Meryl Streep?!??!)
John Travolta was turned down for a part in “Apollo 13.”
Mark Wahlberg – Considered for the lead in “Cinderella Man.”
Ally Sheedy was turned down for a lead in “A League of their Own” and “Sixteen Candles.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

EVEN IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, YOU STILL HAVE TO OBEY THEM

It’s been a long while since I wrote this, but I stumbled across it while preparing for the show today and thought I’d share it with you. Back in 2001, the American Civil Liberties Union and five Denver residents were offended by the granite Ten Commandments tablet outside the Grand Junction City Hall in Denver, Colorado. They filed suit against the city. The suit, filed in U.S. District Court in Denver, claimed Grand Junction was promoting religion by having the commandments outside the entrance to the new city hall. But really, what’s so wrong about a City Hall displaying the ten commandments? In fact, the law requires us to obey almost every single one of the commandments already! Don’t believe me? Let me show you…

“I am the Lord, your God, you shall not have any other God besides me.” Think you don’t live life by this one? Think again… “In God We Trust” is printed on all of our money. I don’t recall ever seeing a dollar that says, “In the stars we trust” – do you?
“You shall not take the name of the Lord, Your God, in vain.” You might think this means swearing – but it actually means we should speak with reverence about God and to revere His name; to be truthful in taking oaths and to be faithful to our vows. These ten commandments are in front of a court building… and what do they do before allowing you to testify? They make you swear to tell the truth on the Bible. Thus, lying would be taking God’s name in vain. You can’t do that by law either!
“Remember to keep holy the Sabbath Day.” Unfortunately, many people do ignore this one… but there are still cities in this country that force you by law to close the doors to your store on Sunday. (And on Saturdays in Jewish neighborhoods and cultures.)
“Honor your father and your mother.” To this day you still are not allowed to do certain things – by law – without your parents’ permission. Sorry kids!
“You shall not kill.” There’s a law against this isn’t there?
“You shall not commit adultery.” It’s not talked about, but in most areas of the United States it is ILLEGAL to commit adultery. It’s just not normally followed up on in legal proceedings. But it’s against the law, nonetheless, and often a large factor in judgments in divorce cases.
“You shall not steal.” Yeah, I think this is against the law too.
“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” Yup, you can get arrested for this too. It’s called slander in spoken form, libel in written form.
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.” This means ANY neighbor’s wife… or daughter… or any other girl on the block. That’s why pornography is so limited in where it can be distributed. It’s illegal in many areas and for many people. Yup, laws against this too!
“You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor.” The only commandment that does not have a law attached to it – at least that I can find. But then, why covet something of someone else’s if you know you can’t have it? That might lead you to steal it, or murder in order to obtain it (take a look at what David did in order to get Bathsheba and then cover up his sin – all because he literally coveted his neighbor’s wife!).

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A STORM IS COMING!

M. R. De Haan, M.D.

Read: Proverbs 1:20-33

It is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment. —Hebrews 9:27

We were in a small boat on the far side of the lake and the fish were biting when we heard a rumble of thunder in the distance. Looking up, we saw a mass of dark clouds in the west.

I ignored the suggestion of my fishing partner that it might be wise to start back to the cottage—I wanted to keep fishing. Then it happened! The storm was suddenly upon us. We tried to start the motor but it wouldn’t go! My friend tried to row, but the rain came in sheets and the waves tossed our little aluminum boat. We survived, but I learned a lesson. Don’t delay when a storm is brewing.

Another type of storm is coming—a day of judgment. It may seem far off, and you don’t feel you have to hurry to prepare. You may be in good health and in the prime of life. But listen, the storm may come upon you unexpectedly.

Proverbs 1 says that disaster will strike the person who foolishly ignores all warnings (v.27). And the author of Hebrews warned, “It is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment” (9:27).

To heed God’s warnings is true wisdom. Have you sought shelter in Christ? If you haven’t, it’s time to stop “fishing” and seek safety before it’s too late. Turn from your sin to Christ. Do so today.

Oh, turn to Christ while still you may;
Too late, it soon will be—
A glorious life you then will have
Throughout eternity. —Anon.

Those who reject Christ as Savior will face Him as Judge.

LEFTOVERS

IT DOESN’T TAKE A GENIUS

You’ve heard of MENSA, haven’t you? They’re an international organization of more than 100,000 members worldwide whose inclusion dictates that you be in the top 2% in intelligence scores among the general population. To get in you have to take a test. A test made up by members of MENSA. A test with questions like: “What human body network is approximately 96,500 kilometers long?” (By the way the answer is: WHO GIVES A BIG FAT FLYING FRITO?) The fact is, I could make up a test for radio people that nobody else other than radio people would know the answers to. That doesn’t make us geniuses. And MENSA always has that test, “Match Wits With Mensa,” on the internet or in magazines for us to take to see if we’re as smart as they are. Well, here’s a short test for the MENSA people to see if they’re as smart as the 98% of us.

“How much wood COULD a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” (ANSWER: You can come out of your discussion group now, Einstein. A woodchuck can’t chuck wood. Never could.)

“Bishkek is the Capital of Kyrgyzstan. Spell it.” (ANSWER: I-T)

“What time does Midnight Mass start on Christmas Eve at St. Wenceslaus’ Church?” (ANSWER: They tore that church down years ago, you heathen.)

Who said, “Opportunity only knocks if the door isn’t already open”? (ANSWER: I did, didn’t you just hear me? You MENSA people just don’t listen!)

LIFE… LIVE IT

SURVIVING THE INFAMOUS TEACHER

(Woman’s Day) Did your child get “The Teacher” this year? Even if a teacher lives up to her reputation, you and your child can not only survive, but thrive, in the year ahead. Here’s how:

The Strict Teacher — Focus on what your child can gain from the teacher’s approach. Know the classroom rules, and review assignments and homework with your child on a regular basis to ensure he’s meeting the teacher’s expectations.
The Tough Grader — View the experience as a life lesson. When his honor student son got a teacher who never gave a grade higher than a C, Bob Nelms of Philadelphia encouraged the teen to stick it out rather than switch to another class. “Difficult teachers, like tough bosses, are part of life,” Bob says. Encourage your child to work hard no matter what the results, and help him adjust his grade expectations.
The Non-Communicator — Think you’ll be forewarned of a D on your child’s report card? Not always. Ask for ways to keep tabs on your child’s progress throughout the marking period that don’t make unreasonable demands on the teacher’s time.
The Crabby Teacher — Encourage your child not to take it personally if his teacher is irritable, and help put the teacher’s behavior in perspective. When her son had an impatient and scolding teacher, Dawn Bernett of Leesburg, Virginia, asked the teacher to list some of the boy’s strengths, and then shared them with him. “It was nice for my son to know that, despite outward appearances, the teacher liked some things he was doing,” Dawn says.
The Confusing Teacher — Ask for individual help. If your child is still lost in a cloud of chalk dust, encourage her to find a study buddy in the class, and ask the teacher for recommendation of Web sites that explain the material.

JUST FOR FUN

Do women get smarter with age?

Okay ladies, if you don’t like this story, blame Dr. Paulk Lamet. He’s a French researcher who claims that through lifetime studies of more than 350 women, he has concluded that women do not get smarter with age. His study concludes that women lose their ability to think clearly when they pass age 40. He says it’s not senility… it’s just the ability to make commonsense decisions. ***MARLAR: And in case you were wondering, the opinions expressed by this so-called doctor are not necessarily those of the staff and management of this station… or this radio host… especially if my wife is listening.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU’RE BEING STALKED BY A CLOWN

Size 25 footprints in the flower bed
Rubber nose prints on the windows
The words “I love you” appear in the front lawn, made out of balloons
When you answer the phone, no one speaks: you just hear a bike horn
Someone keeps sending you bouquets of flowers… that squirt water

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WHAT WE CALL OUR SWEETHEARTS

(American Demographics – February 1998)

48% Honey

44% Baby

41% Sweetheart

39% Dear

32% Lover

31% Darling

24% Sugar

20% Angel

13% Pumpkin

6% Beautiful

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Squirming in your seat, short walks and getting up to fetch a drink is good for your health. A recent study shows that obese people who spend their days slumped in a chair could boost their wellness simply by fidgeting or moving about. Just 30 minutes of light exercise a day is enough to help the heart and lungs, say researchers who examined inactive and active overweight people. Most of the volunteers were so sluggish they typically walked at 3 mph, but half an hour of easy activity was enough to give their healthier circulatory and respiratory systems. Says study leader Ashlee McGuire of Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, Canada: “If we just increase our incidental activity slightly a little more housework or walking down the hall to speak to a co-worker instead of sending an e-mail we can really benefit our health in the long run.” ***So twiddle those thumbs!

It can happen to anyone you blank on why you walked into a room. If you forget why you entered a room — go back to the room where you were right beforehand and return to what you were doing. Backtracking re-creates the physical context, which helps jog your memory. Then, when your thought returns, verbalize the mission. If you can’t remember a word you want to use — keep talking, and try an alternative word to describe what you were intending to say. When you continue speaking, you may trigger the neural pathways in the region of the brain where your mystery word is hiding, which can make it resurface faster than it would if you stopped the conversation. (Woman’s Day)

It use to be in everyone’s dreams. A big house. TV in every room. A Mercedes in the driveway. But, the real path to happiness isn’t how much we save or spend, but rather the specific types of purchases we make. That is, buying stuff doesn’t make us happy. Buying “life experiences,” especially leisure experiences such as vacations, sports and entertainment, instead of buying possessions, is what makes us happy. Spending money on concert tickets, cooking classes or a weekend getaway at a posh hotel makes us happier than buying new clothes or a sofa because we get to relish the concert, class or getaway well in advance of actually doing it and then later recall the memories. Even though a trip to Disney World will make us happier than buying a new sofa for the living room, we tend to favor the furniture over the trip in the mistaken belief it’s a better value. The takeaway: If money isn’t making you happy, you’re not spending it the right way. Take the vacation instead of buying the sofa.

At God’s Garage, volunteer mechanics fix and overhaul cars for single moms, widows and wives of deployed soldiers. 7 years ago, a group called Hot Rods & Harleys started meeting at a home in Texas. Founder Chris Williams says: We would work on anything that we could get our hands on, and that morphed into helping people who were in need. What started as a work from home project for the former pastor now includes a full fledged garage with a field of cars in the back yard waiting to be fixed up and given away.
https://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/video/this-texas-car-garage-is-fixing-more-than-engines-1096023619838

You may be able to eat your way to good brain health. A single, daily serving of leafy green vegetables, such as spinach, kale, mustard greens and collard greens, could shield aging brains from dementia. The study found people who ate one or two servings of leafy green veggies daily experienced slower mental deterioration, compared with those whose diets contained no leafy greens. Specifically, those who ate their spinach and collard greens had the mental capacity and clarity of someone more than 10 years younger. The findings held up even after accounting for gender, age, education, smoking history, exercise and any heightened Alzheimer’s risk, such as a family history. What’s the magic ingredient? It’s vitamin K that offers the protective benefit, says Morris, who is a nutritional epidemiologist at the Rush Alzheimer’s Disease Center. And while the research does not prove a cause-and-effect relationship between leafy greens and a lower risk of dementia, we do know that in general what we eat (and don’t eat) can affect our health in many ways.

Your plant killing days are over. Botanium is an automated planter that pumps and reuses water so the owner has minimal maintenance. You can leave it alone for up to a month. Botanium ensures your plant will never be over or under watered. Of course it implies that, after a month of forgetting it, you’ll actually remember to change the water.
https://twitter.com/mashable/status/930762308921434114/video/1

“PATIENCE IS A… “ HEY, MOVE ALONG ALREADY!!!!! How long will you wait on hold? Even more than standing in line or being stuck at an interminably long red light, waiting on hold on the phone has to be the most frustrating waste of time. So how long will you wait on hold before you just hang up? That is the question Cincinnati, Ohio-based Fifth Third Bank asked in a poll of 1,000 U.S. adults nationwide, and the answer speaks volumes about our ability to be patient (or not): More than half of us hang up after just one minute or less on hold. It turns out we are a very impatient lot. And that impatience leads us to not only be rude to others, but also endanger ourselves! According to the Fifth Third Bank poll, 80 percent of those surveyed said they are patient people by nature. But then they also admitted to this:

Rather than waiting for it to cool, 96 percent of U.S. adults will knowingly consume extremely hot food or very hot beverages that burn their mouth, while 63 percent admit they do this frequently.
72 percent of those in their 20s and 30s, commonly known as the Millennials, will push an already-lit elevator button, as if that would speed up the elevator.
71 percent frequently exceed the speed limit to get to their destination faster.
Half of U.S. adults will routinely honk at the car in front of them once a stoplight turns green.
Nearly 33 percent of those 18 to 24 years old will wait less than one second before bypassing a slow walker.
Millennials will check their mobile phones an average of eight times while they are waiting to hear back from someone they’re dating.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

While some kids may be spending their spring break partying on the beach or enjoying the warm weather, this eighth-grader is hard at work making sure that everyone in her community has clean laundry. Jayera Griffin – who is an honor roll student at Washington Junior High School in Riverdale, Illinois – first became inspired to give back when she noticed that some of the children she tutored did not always have clean clothes to wear. The 14-year-old was heartbroken by the fact that some families could not afford to do laundry, let alone have their own washer and dryer. So for the last year, then teen has been saving and fundraising so she could have a free laundry day at her local laundromat over spring break. Jayera was collectively able to raise over $1,000 for the event on Tuesday – and the participants were extremely grateful for the help. The 14-year-old plans on having another free laundry day closer to when she goes back to school in August. (WATCH the video at https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/8th-grader-spends-spring-break-paying-for-other-peoples-laundry)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you can believe this, Amazon was selling children’s clothing emblazoned with the words “Enjoy Cocaine,” imitating the distinctive “Enjoy Coke” logo used by Coca-Cola. That is until an outraged shopper made the discovery and posted pictures of the bibs, shirts and onsies on Facebook. You can imagine what happened next. As soon as Amazon caught wind, they removed the items immediately. If it makes you feel better – they were from a third-party seller. Clearly a very disturbed third-party seller. (Daily Mail)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Now today’s career tip for anyone who’d like to work with animals. Please come by the station and drop off your resume.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

APRIL 20, 2018…

Rampage-–Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is back on the screen with an early try for a spring blockbuster. In this film, Johnson is a Primatologist (no, it is not another political party) and through his life, until now, he is friends with a silver-back gorilla named George. Enter something that alters the equation, yes, the experiment gone awry, and George begins growing larger and larger, and with a bit of a temper, too. Not only that, but other creatures are becoming Godzilla-size and roaming the country. What to do? Well, The Rock can’t wrestle everything to the ground, so there are other measures, but George is special. Also, in the cast are Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Will Yun Lee, Malin Akerman, Marley Shelton and Joe Manganiello. “Rampage” is rated PG 13 for action sequences. Rating of 2 for fans.

Super Troopers 2—This group of police, namely Highway Patrol, are now sent to the border between Canada and the U.S. There is somewhat of a dispute there and a Highway Patrol Station is needed. Can anything go right? The cast includes Rob Lowe, Lynda Carter, Brian Cox and Tyler Labine. “Super Troopers 2” is rated R. No rating.

APRIL 27 2018…

Avengers: Infinity and who hasn’t been waiting for this film? Your favorite comic book characters are back in action to save the world.

Animal Crackers is an animated film about inheriting an old circus. Voices of John Krasinski and Danny DeVito.

I Feel Pretty stars Amy Schumer as a woman who suddenly thinks she is pretty.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.