April 24, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180424
PDF: 20180424

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), where if you collect enough Frequent Listener Points–we’ll send you a free pair of earplugs.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Internal improvement and the diffusion of knowledge, so far as they can be promoted by the constitutional acts of the Federal Government, are of high importance.” – Andrew Jackson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his words, and the deeds of a man’s hands will return to him.” – Proverbs 12:14

Christ has indeed been raised, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive. — 1 Corinthians 15:20-22

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. — 1 Corinthians 15:20

Thought: “Why do you seek the living among the dead?” These words of the angel to the women who came to Jesus’ tomb are also God’s words to us. Jesus is risen! Not only that, he is the firstfruits from the dead. He is the guarantee that God’s harvest will happen; he is our assurance that we, too, will be raised. Death no longer has a hold on us! We are God’s eternal children and death cannot separate us from his presence or his love!

Prayer: Father God, I praise you for your redeeming grace. I rejoice in your conquest over Satan and over his power to wound and destroy through death. I thank you for your power over the grave. Thank you for raising Jesus from the dead and giving me the assurance of life forever with you. Please bless me, dear Father, with a life that reflects the power that you have now working in me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

John 4:24 NIV = God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – APRIL 23, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
244 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is AMBIVALENCE DAY. ***As a radio guy with no college degree, I’m not up with the definitions of a lot of big words. I had to look this one up. Apparently, ambivalence means “mixed feelings or emotions”. Which is exactly what I have when it comes to Ambivalence Day.

Today is SPRING CAT CLEANING DAY, a day to give your cat a bath.  ***Be careful.  Keep in mind that four out of five of your cat’s ends are sharp!

This is NATIONAL SCOOP THE POOP WEEK.  ***You’d think you’d want to do this more than once a year. If you’re not good at keeping up with this, that might be another reason Spring Cat Cleaning is necessary.

Not to throw you into a panic or anything, but CHRISTMAS EVE IS EIGHT MONTHS AWAY.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day
Sauvignon Blanc Day
New Kids on The Block Day
World Day for Animals in Laboratories
World Meningitis Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25

Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary’s Day
Denim Day
DNA Day
East Meets West Day (aka Elbe Day)
Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug A Plumber Day or Plumbers Day
International Guide Dogs Day
International Marconi Day
International Noise Awareness Day
License Plates Day
National Mani-pedi Day
Malaria Awareness Day
Parental Alienation Day
Red Hat Society Day
World Penguin Day
National Golf Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 26

Audubon Day
International Girls in Information and Telecommunication Technologies Day
Hug An Australian Day
Lesbian Visibility Day
National Help A Horse Day
National Kids and Pets Day
National Pretzel Day
Poem In Your Pocket Day
Richter Scale Day
Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
World Intellectual Property Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 27

Arbor Day
Babe Ruth Day
Day of Dialogue
Mantanzas Mule Day
Morse Code Day
National Day of Silence
National Devil Dog Cakes Day
National Little Pampered Dog Day
National Hairball Awareness Day
Undiagnosed Children’s Awareness Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 28

Biological Clock Day
Brave Hearts Day
International Table Top Day
International Sculpture Day
Bob Wills Day
Eeyore’s Birthday Day
National Dance Day
National Go Birding Day
National Herb Day
National Pool Opening Day
National Prepare-A-Thon Day
National Rebuilding Day
National Sense of Smell Day
National Superhero Day
National Take Back Day
Save The Frogs Day
Workers Memorial Day
World Day for Safety and Health at Work
World Healing Day
World Tai Chi & Qigong Day
World Veterinary Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 29

Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare
International Dance Day
Mother, Father Deaf Day
National Pet Parent’s Day
“Peace” Rose Day
Pinhole Photography Day
World Wish Day
Zipper Day

MONDAY, APRIL 30

Adopt A Shelter Pet Day
Animal Advocacy Day
Beltane
Bugs Bunny Day
Day of Vesak
Kiss of Hope Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Bubble Tea Day
National Honesty Day
National Military Brats Day
National Prepareathon Day
Spank Out Day – USA
Walpurgis Night

TUESDAY, MAY 01

Batman Day (Also in September)
Beltane
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
Executive Coaching Day
Foster Care Day
Global Love Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Workers Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
Law Day
Lei Day
Lemonade Day
Loyalty Day
May Day
May One Day
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
Skyscraper Day
Stepmother’s Day
World Asthma Day

ON THIS DAY

1184 BC: The Greeks captured Troy after hiding inside a giant wooden gift horse.

1800: Congress approved a bill creating the Library of Congress.

1898: The Spanish-American War started . ***The invasion was caused by Spaniards sick of hearing American accordionists trying to play “Lady of Spain.”

1908: Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Murdock become the first to travel across the U.S. by car. Back then, it took 32 days to cross the country by car, just slightly faster than walking. ***Jacob also set the world record for being the most stubborn man never to ask for directions.

1920: Presbyterian Sunday School teacher Eliza Hewitt died at age 69. She wrote the hymns “More About Jesus,” “Sing the Wondrous Love of Jesus,” and “Sunshine in My Soul.”

1959: After nine years, television’s “Your Hit Parade” sang it final countdown. The final top songs were: #5 “I Need Your Love Tonight;” #4 “It’s Just A Matter of Time;” #3 “Never Be Anyone Else But You;” #2 “Pink Shoelaces;” and #1 “Come Softly To Me.”

1959: The Drifters released what is believed to be the first rock recording featuring a string section: “There Goes My Baby.”

1961: Bob Dylan made his first recording, playing harmonica on Harry Belefonte’s “Midnight Special.” He earned $50 for the session.

1963: “Mr. Basketball,” Boston Celtic Bob Cousy retired from the NBA. Then he coached Boston College to a record 117 wins and just 38 loses.

1969: Singer Paul McCartney announced that there was no truth to the widespread rumor he was dead.

1981: The IBM Personal Computer was introduced. ***Anyone remember when we were promised that the computer would leave us time to do so many more things in life, like spending time with our families, and getting involved in our church, and working only 4 hour days? What ever happened to that?

1992: In London Terry Cole balanced 220 cigar boxes on his chin for nine seconds and a new world record.

1992: Singer David Bowie and fashion model Iman were married in a secret ceremony in Switzerland. The wedding wasn’t announced until more than a week later.

1994: Madonna visited the San Antonio Spurs locker room to congratulate David Robinson on his 71-point game. As usual, Robinson was gracious.

2002: Singer Jewel broke her collarbone and a rib when she was thrown from a horse.

2002: A family in York, England, celebrated having their pet rabbit Colin home after spending $1,457 on four operations and brain surgery to save his life. A stray cat attacked nine-month-old Colin and one bite penetrated his skull causing an abscess near his brain. The owners said their 8- and 10-year-old daughters were determined to save Colin. The brain surgery worked.

2003: The U.S. reported North Korea had claimed to have nuclear weapons.

2005: Pope Benedict-16 was formally installed as leader of the Roman Catholic Church in ceremonies at the Vatican.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

387: On this day, Augustine of Hippo writes in his autobiographical Confessions, “We were baptized and all anxiety for our past life vanished away.” The 33-year-old had been a teacher of rhetoric and pagan philosophies at some of the Roman Empire’s finest schools, but after great influence by his mother, Monica, and the famous bishop Ambrose, he turned to Christianity. His baptism by Ambrose, on Easter Sunday, marked his entrance into the church.

1581: Vincent de Paul, founder of the Lazarist Fathers and the Sisters of Charity, is born in Pouy, France. The Roman Catholic Church named him patron saint of all works of charity because of his charity work during the Wars of Religion.

1920: Death of hymn writer Eliza E. Hewitt. In addition to writing such hymns as “More About Jesus,” “Sing the Wondrous Love of Jesus,” and “Sunshine in My Soul,” she was a Sunday School leader in the Presbyterian church.

1944: In “United States v. Ballard,” the Supreme Court ruled that no governmental agency can determine “the truth or falsity of the beliefs or doctrines” of anyone—even if the beliefs “may seem incredible, if not preposterous to most people.” But the court also reiterated its position that while freedom of belief is absolute, the freedom to act on those beliefs is not.

1982: Death of Cameron Townsend, founder of Wycliffe Bible Translators, one of the world’s largest missions.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson 35 (audio clip)

  • actor-comedian (The Honeymooners, Madagascar, Be Cool, Man of the House, Johnson Family Vacation, Barbershop) Cedric the Entertainer 53

  • singer/actress (Meet the Fockers, Funny Girl) Barbra Streisand is 75

  • actress (Rumor Has It, Bewitched, Postcards From The Edge, Terms Of Endearment, Steel Magnolias) Shirley MacLaine 83

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1928 : Johnny Griffin

1933 : Freddie Scott

1934 : Shirley Boone

1942 : Barbra Streisand

1943 : Richard Sterban (The Oak Ridge Boys)

1943 : Glen Dale (The Fortunes)

1945 : Robert Knight

1945 : Doug Clifford (Creedence Clearwater Revival)

1947 : Glenn Cornick (Jethro Tull)

1947 : Ann Kelly (The Hues Corporation)

1948 : Steve York (Manfred Mann)

1957 : David J (Love & Rockets)

1958 : Boris Williams (The Cure)

1963 : Billy Gould (Faith No More)

1967 : Patty Schemel (Hole)

1968 : Aaron Comess (Spin Doctors)

1982 : Kelly Clarkson

1984 : Tyson Ritter (The All-American Rejects)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Just how does a Venus flytrap eat dinner?

Why do you ask these kinds of questions?!? Is it not strange enough that the plant can eat bugs as it is? Here is the vegetarian’s nightmare: a carnivorous plant. That is not to say that you will ever see one of these cuties devouring a cheeseburger. As their name implies, they would rather feast on what your sandwich attracts if you eat it outside in warm weather. A native of the Carolinas, the Venus flytrap grows in soil that lacks the nitrogen it needs. Enter the nitrogen-rich fly. And enter he does at the top of the foot-high plant where there are leaves that resemble two hinged lobes, usually open in a mouth-like array. On their surface are sensitive hairs. The fly lands on a hair, triggering the leaves to close, holding him prisoner. The plant digests the fly with fluids it secretes through the leaves. Yechhh! And what if no fly comes along? No problem – the plant takes out a personals ad.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The leaders of North and South Korea are now sharing a hotline to each other.  ***Which is working a lot better than their previous attempt of sharing a Hot Pocket together.

Around a quarter of pet lovers questioned in a survey on people and pets wish their partner was more like their pet, that is, with no talking back, criticizing or arguing.  ***Although they could do with less butt-sniffing.

Ariana Grande has released her first song since a 2017 terrorist attack during her concert in the United Kingdom.  ***Audiences say her music is only slightly less terrifying that the attack itself.

Police and witnesses at the scene of a Sunday morning shooting at a Waffle House near Nashville say a 29-year-old man, James Shaw Jr., tackled and disarmed the shooter, saving many lives. But Shaw says he’s no hero: “I made up my mind that he was going to have to work to hurt me. He was going to have to work to kill me. I’m not a hero. I’m just a regular person. And I think anybody could have done what I did.” ***And of course, him saying all of that just makes him that much more of a hero.

April in Chicago has been the coldest in 130 years. In Detroit, it’s been the coldest in 143 years!  ***Where is global warming when you need it?!?!

In Florida, an 87-year-old man has donated 100 gallons of blood throughout his lifetime.  ***Yes – but was it all HIS blood?  <Evil laugh.>

A woman in Bellingham, Washington, went out to her car the other morning and someone had placed 100-pounds of dog poop on the hood of her car.  ***Meaning the city ordinance about picking up your dog’s droppings is working fantastically well!

Prosecutors in New York City say postal worker Aleksey Germash hoarded away more than 17,000 pieces of undelivered mail and allegedly told investigators he did it because he was overwhelmed by the amount of mail he had to deliver. If it makes you feel any better, Germash did also say he “made sure to deliver the important mail.” He’s been charged in Brooklyn with delaying or detaining mail. He declined to comment as he left the federal courthouse. Federal officials say they arrested the 16-year employee after receiving a tip about a car owned by Germash that contained 20 full mailbags. Authorities say they found 10,000 pieces of mail in his car, 6,000 pieces in his apartment, and 1,000 in his work locker. ***He only mailed the important mail – meaning he didn’t deliver junk mail.  This guy should be named a HERO!

A Canadian investment firm has made an offer to take over the Toys R Us stores up in Canada.  ***At which point they’ll be renamed Toys-R-Us-A.

Seattle has become the latest city to ban all tobacco products, including chewing tobacco, from its sports facilities.  ***If they also ban crotch-adjusting, the players may completely forget how to play ball.

Sinead O’Connor told police Prince was a violent man who flew into drug-fueled rages against women, including herself. She also claimed Prince told her the real reason he didn’t want to release his famous “Black Album” was because he’d taken drugs and had a vision of God… who told him to shelve the project.  ***And I might’ve believed there was some truth to this had it come from anyone less insane than Sinead O’Connor.

A new book says Rodney Dangerfield was only paid $35,000 to star in “Caddyshack.”  ***So he wasn’t kidding when he said he never got any respect.

A volcano in Japan is erupting for the first time in 250 years.  ***They would’ve discovered the danger sooner, but they were too focused on rebuilding Tokyo after the giant lizard attack.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Scientists have mapped the loudest and quietest places in America. The loudest places were New York City, Los Angeles and Dallas.  ***The quietest was any venue (hosting Hillary Clinton book signings).

Since 2007, astronomers have noticed 20 or so of these Fast Radio Bursts, or FRB’s. There are at least a few scientists who believe they may actually be generated by advanced alien civilizations, as a way to accelerate interstellar spacecraft to tremendous speeds. ***Either that or they’re just really short songs.

Experts are saying print newspapers could one day become a “luxury item”. ***Still worth the money, though. Ever try to housebreak a puppy using an iPad?

Watching TV is killing you. A recent study found an association between people who watch loads of TV and living shorter. By tracking death rates and lifestyle survey responses, the study found that for people over 25, for every hour of TV watched, their lifespan shortened by 22 minutes. ***I should be dead by now.

Racial and ethnic minorities now make up more than half the children born in the U.S. – surpassing births of white children. ***So, that makes Caucasians a minority now, right? What government programs am I now qualified for?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, after thinking that the giant gorilla might just want to be friends (rather than eat the animals one at a time) they decided to go back to the footprints. Millard wasn’t too keen on the idea, seeing as he was almost made a meal of the last time, but they went back anyway. And suddenly…

CLOSE: So making friends with the gorilla didn’t work… will the animals try again to sell all of their possessions and move out of the jungle? Will they ever stop running and being scared? Tune in again next time to find out… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
What came first – the chicken or the bikini?

The Boston Globe reports that a man called the Pet Cabaret pet store in Roslindale, Massachusetts, to complain about a dog toy in the window: a rubber chicken in a polka dot bikini. The owner said he asked how he was supposed to walk his children past the store when there were “naked chickens in the window.” She explained that all chickens usually go without clothes, and this one was wearing a bikini, so it wasn’t naked. She said, “He remained unconvinced. He threatened to call the mayor’s office and report us.”  ***MARLAR: I have a feeling the mayor doesn’t take his calls anymore.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN USELESS INVENTIONS
10. Glow in the dark sunglasses

9. Solar Powered Flash Light

8. Inflatable Anchor

7. Battery powered Battery Charger

6. Hand powered Chainsaw

5. Watermelon seed sorter

4. Skinless bananas

3. Powdered water

2. Silent Alarm Clock

1. Turnip ice cream

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man without legs steals 10 pairs of pants!

FILE #1: Police in a Vancouver suburb were on the lookout for a legless man wanted for allegedly stealing 10 pairs of pants. The wheelchair-bound man was one of two suspects who witnesses said fled a Gap Inc store in a West Vancouver shopping mall two days before Christmas, carrying trousers and jackets worth $1,600. The men escaped from the crowded mall in a car that had previously been reported stolen.

FILE #2: According to authorities, armed robbery suspect Robert Bell was nabbed catching some “Z’s” on a couch, after he had broken into a woman’s home. Before that, police in Athens, Tennessee, charge that Bell used the arrest of his partner as a diversion to steal a new patrol car. They had allegedly robbed a market. Officers say when they found the sleeping suspect, he reeked of alcohol. But he got to sleep it off — in jail.

FILE #3: You’ll likely never hear a story like this one ever again… a man in France has died of a gun shot wound… 21 years AFTER he was shot. The cops charged the man’s ex-wife with murder for pulling the trigger 21 years earlier.  Pierre Perdot died from complications resulting from scar tissue that blocked his large intestine. The scarring began when his then-wife shot him in the tummy during an argument. The man appeared to have recovered, but his doctors say his death is directly related to the shooting 21 years earlier.

STRANGE LAW: Children can buy shotguns in Kansas City, MO, but not toy cap guns.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Ever get that feeling you’ve forgotten something important?

Indianapolis Deputy Tucker M. Parker must have had that feeling for two days. That’s how long he left 21-year-old inmate James Logan in the court holding cell with no food! Deputy Parker simply forgot to take Logan back to the county jail Friday following a sentencing hearing on cocaine dealing and possession charges. The cell had running water and a toilet but Logan was left alone with no food for more than 48 hours. Sheriff’s Department spokesman Julio Fernandez said, “He completely forgot! He just forgot that the guy was in there.” Logan was finally discovered by other officers Sunday and transferred to the jail. Deputy Parker was fired and two others suspended over the incident. In the meantime, something tells us Mr. Logan has one heck of a lawsuit brewing.

PHONER PHUN

Will your family be observing “Screen Free Week?” If so, what will you be doing with that time you would normally be spending in front of the TV, smartphone or computer?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who recognized Peter’s voice after he was miraculously delivered from prison?
ANSWER: Rhoda (Acts 12:14)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the first toy to be advertised on television?

ANSWER: Mr. Potato Head

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Each square inch of human skin contains seventy feet of nerves. (False – seventy-two feet of nerves!)

2. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. (True – and congratulations for the attempted pronunciation.)

3. Glass flutes don’t have to be tuned. (True. They do not expand with humidity so their owners are spared the nuisance of tuning them.)

4. Neck ties were first worn at the North Pole. (False – they were first worn in Croatia.)

5. $26 billion in ransom has been paid out in the U.S. in the past 20 years. (True)

6. It can take up to a week for a rattlesnake to re-supply its venom. (False – up to a month)

7. The word “moose” comes from the native Algonquian Indian word meaning “dung eater”. (False, it means “twig eater.”)

8. Herbert Hoover, who was the 31st president of the United States, turned over all the Federal salary checks he received to charity during the 47 years he was in government. (True)

9. There are more than 24,000 flea species in the world. (False – 2,400)

10. In the late 1960’s, Mountain Dew bottles featured a hillbilly on them. (True. These are now collector items worth five to ten dollars.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

STUDY: HAPPINESS CAUSES ________ (DEPRESSION)

A groundbreaking new study revealed today that happiness may be a cause for depression.

Studies show that there is a darker side to feeling good and that the pursuit of happiness can sometimes make you . . . depressed.  Too much happiness will make you gullible, selfish, less successful and, in some cases, suicidal.

Happiness does have benefits. It can protect us from stroke and the common cold, makes us more resistant to pain and even prolongs our lives. Yet, June Gruber, a professor of psychology at Yale University who has studied happiness, warns that it’s important to experience positive moods in moderation.

She compares happiness to food: Although necessary and beneficial, too much food can cause problems; likewise, happiness can lead to bad outcomes. “Research indicates that very high levels of positive feelings predict risk-taking behaviors, excess alcohol and drug consumption, binge eating, and may lead us to neglect threats,” she says.

“You don’t want to eat too much cake or broccoli or meat.  Too much is bad.  Less is more.  And that goes for happiness, too.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she’d died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, “Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?”

“Not at all,” my son said.

“When would be a good time?” she asked.

My son answered, “Just as soon as I dig a basement.”

JOKE #2

A man gets convicted of a crime, and is consequently sent to prison. All goes reasonably well for him this first day. After lights out he is lying on his cot trying to go to sleep. All of a sudden he hears someone yell out at the top of his lungs “FOURTEEN!” and then all the cons in that block break out in laughter. After a few minutes he hears this again only this time someone yells “ELEVEN!” everyone laughs again. The new guy is really confused now so he asks the con in the next cell what is going on. He tells him that what they are doing is telling jokes. The new guy says, “I still don’t understand that, all I hear is numbers being yelled out.”

The old con says, “yeah, that’s how they tell them. You see, we’ve heard just about every joke there is, so instead of going through the whole thing we just number them and everyone knows which ones they are just by the number.”

“Oh,” says the new guy, “now I get it.”

A few minutes goes by and all of a sudden someone yells out “SEVENTEEN!” Nothing, not even a snicker.

The new guy asks the old con, “what happened there?”

The old con replies well, “you know how it is? some guys can tell jokes and some can’t.”

JOKE #3

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.

“I had to slap his face three times!”

“You mean he got fresh?”

“No,” she answered, “I thought he was dead.”

USELESS FACTS

A University of California researcher said that licorice root may be better at fighting tooth decay than toothpaste.  ***So if you can’t afford to buy both toothpaste and Twizzlers, now you know you can just go with the latter of the two.

Personnel at O’Hare Airport in Chicago reported a UFO hovering over the runway in November of 2009 before it took off and disappeared.  ***So it’s finally happened… now even space aliens can’t get where they’re going without going through Chicago O’Hare.

FEATURED FUNNIES

NOAH IN 2018

In the year 2018, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared , “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive , and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark!”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Kids visiting Washington D.C. may be shooting it out with crooks!

Not for real, of course. Plans were unveiled for a new National Law Enforcement Museum. Exhibits will include the fine points of crime scene investigation and a chance to answer hypothetical 9-1-1 calls.  ***MARLAR: Is it really a good idea to train elementary students to answer 9-1-1 calls when they continually use terms like, “my bust,” “hit me on the hip,” and “off the hook?”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE BEGGAR & THE BREAD
Author Unknown
A beggar came and sat before me. “I want bread,” he said.

“How wise you are,” I assured him. “Bread is what you need. And you have come to the right bakery.” So I pulled my cookbook down from my shelf and began to tell him all I knew about bread. I spoke of flour and wheat, of grain and barley. My knowledge impressed even me as I cited the measurements and

recipe. When I looked up, I was surprised to see he wasn’t smiling.

“I just want bread,” he said.

“How wise you are.” I applauded his choice. “Follow me, and I’ll show you our bakery.” Down the hallowed halls I guided him, pausing to point out the rooms where the dough is prepared and the ovens where the bread is baked. “No one has such facilities. We have bread for every need. But here is the best part,” I proclaimed as I pushed open two swinging doors. “This is our room of inspiration.” I knew he was moved as we stepped into the auditorium full of stained-glass windows.

The beggar didn’t speak. I understood his silence. With my arm around his shoulder, I whispered, “It overwhelms me as well.” I then leaped to the podium and struck my favorite pose behind the lectern. “People come from miles to hear me speak. Once a week, my workers gather, and I read to them the recipe from the cook book of life.” By now the beggar had taken a seat on the front row. I knew what he wanted. “would you like to hear me?”

“No,” he said, “but I would like some bread.”

“How wise you are,” I replied. And I led him to the front door of the bakery. “What I have to say next is very important,” I told him as we stood outside.

“Up and down this street you will find many bakeries. But take heed; they don’t serve the true bread. I know of one who adds two spoons of salt rather than one. I know of another whose oven is three degrees too hot. They may call it bread,” I warned, “but it’s not according to the book.” The beggar turned and began walking away. “Don’t you want bread?” I asked him.

He stopped, looked back at me, and shrugged, “I guess I lost my appetite.”

I shook my head and returned to my office. “What a shame,” I said to myself. “The world just isn’t hungry for true bread anymore.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

RELEVANT ROUTINE

Dennis De Haan

Read: Ecclesiastes 3:1-13

Every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God. —Ecclesiastes 3:13

Here we are at the beginning of a new week. For many people, Monday represents the start of another monotonous cycle of work. Maybe it’s a mountain of washing and ironing, an endless quota of parts from a machine, the same dull routine on the assembly line, or the tedium of sitting at a computer.

Monotony can be a breeding ground for envy and discontent, or it can be the training ground for the development of character and a life of service. It all depends on whether we can see God in the ordinary duties of life.

There was a woman in Boston who for 40 years did the same cleaning tasks in the same office building. She was interviewed by a reporter who asked her how she could stand the monotony of doing the same thing day in and day out. The woman said, “I don’t get bored. I use cleaning materials that God made. I clean objects that belong to people God made, and I make life more comfortable for them. My mop is the hand of God!”

Are you looking for the Creator in your occupation? He’s there. He uses the hands, bodies, and minds of people who accept their tasks and do their work for Him. Any routine task is relevant to God’s work in and through us—for time and for eternity.

If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, wear work shoes.

LEFTOVERS

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY

A hospital told six men that they were pregnant!

I’m all for equal opportunity, don’t get me wrong – but men getting pregnant? No. You have to draw the line somewhere. So imagine the horror of 6 elderly men who were sent letters telling them that they were pregnant! Of course, as is usually the case, this was a computer error (much to the relief of the men). Changes have been made to the computer program so this will not happen again. The ironic thing, is that letters were supposed to tell these men that their actual reason for dealing with the hospital (having an operation) had been postponed.  ***MARLAR: Postponed?  After a letter like this I’d be showing up anyway.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOUSE WORKOUT

Forget that expensive health club membership! Apparently you can get a better workout cleaning your house. German health experts say they’ve done research showing that housework can make people fitter than a workout at the gym. Their results:

  • Ironing a load of clothes burns off the calories of a candy bar.

  • Changing the sheets on a double bed burns off the same number of calories as two glasses of cola.

  • Washing and polishing a car burns off a pepperoni pizza.

  • Rearranging the furniture is the most strenuous form of housework, burning off the calories of a hamburger, a cola and two chocolate chip cookies.

  • Dusting is good for you too. Even though it might not burn many calories, it improves circulation and posture and gets rid of feelings of stress and stiffness.

JUST FOR FUN

More good news for chocolate lovers! Those who eat chocolate at least twice a week may be 70 percent less likely to die from heart disease than non-chocolate lovers!

…Dark chocolate’s antioxidants called flavonoids, which prevents blood clots, does the trick, according to a study by researchers at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden. The study published in Journal of Internal Medicine found that in 1,169 patients aged from 45 to 70 and with a history of heart attack, those who eat chocolate twice a week or more were 66 percent less likely to die from cardiac disease than those who have less chocolate in their diet.

FUN LIST

WORST BREAKUP EXCUSES

It’s never pleasant to break up with someone. But if you must do so, you might want to avoid these excuses…

  • Ow…I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are you?

  • I’m sorry, but my search for the real killers takes precedence.

  • I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.

  • Not only are you holding back my plans for world domination, but you’re also blocking the TV screen.

  • I can’t see you anymore. I have to testify about you to the Senate.

  • Ummm… my mom said I couldn’t have a girlfriend until I showed more responsibility around the house. Sorry.

  • “I’m a covert operator for the CIA and I’m being reassigned to Botswana.”

  • “Do you know about the federal witness protection program?”

  • “Congratulate me! I made the team on NASA’s first manned flight to Mars. I’ll be gone 4 years!”

  • “*SNEEZE* The doctor said there’s something in my lifestyle that I’m allergic to! *SNEEZE*”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

SCREAM OFF STRESS

If you are finding it stressful to get back to work some experts are suggesting that you throw a tantrum! 

…Body language expert Judi James tells us, “Releasing tension through shouting and screaming is a really beneficial way to expel the negative energies caused by stress.” James also tells us, “When stress threatens to overwhelm you, try a short sustained burst of shouting, or alternatively, go somewhere quiet, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to help calm you down.”

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A warning for morning zombies: If you need an alarm to wake up in the morning, you may be at risk of weight gain. In a study from Germany, 69 percent of people reported “social jet lag,” a situation in which your daily schedule is at least an hour off your internal body clock. Socially jet lagged folks were three times as likely to be overweight. Sleep times that do not regularly sync up with your body clock may alter metabolism, the researchers say. So give this a try… go to bed an hour early tonight and see if you wake up before the alarm sounds.

Turn off the TV. Turn off the music. Listening to yourself eat may reduce how much food you consume, according to researchers from Brigham Young University and Colorado State University. It’s called the “crunch effect.” You’re likely to eat less if you are conscious of the sound your food makes while you’re eating. The noise from a TV show or sounds of a song can mask that noise, which is nature’s way of keeping your food intake in check. “Sound is typically labeled as the forgotten food sense,” says one of the study leaders, Ryan Elder from BYU. This is not the sizzle of the bacon or the popping of popcorn. These are the sounds your teeth and mouth make as you chew, chomp and crunch. Elder and his research partner, Gina Mohr of CSU, carried out several experiments on the effect of “food sound salience” and found that even suggesting in an advertisement that people think of eating sounds while they chew helped decrease how much food they ate. The takeaway: Be mindful not only of the taste and physical appearance of food, but also of the sound it makes. That sound can help “nudge” you to eat less.

While many of us would love to lose a few pounds, it could be more important to simply maintain our current weight and not add to it. It turns out that certain foods may help with weight control, specifically apples, pears, berries and peppers, reports HealthDay News of research from the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health in Boston. The secret ingredient in each of these foods is flavonoids. There are some 6,000 flavonoids that are found in plants and provide the rich diversity of color pigments. Flavonoids are best known for their antioxidant and anti-inflammatory health benefits. Other studies show that eating produce that is rich in flavonoids helps decrease total calorie intake. It could also be that flavonoids decrease fat absorption from foods and increase energy (calorie) expenditure.

In addition to waking you up in the morning and helping you to feel human again, coffee appears to lower your risk for colon cancer. And the more you drink, the better the protection it offers. Because the protective effect does not come from the caffeine, it doesn’t matter whether you drink caffeinated or decaf — or a combination of the two. Lead study author Dr. Gad Rennert, director of the Clalit National Israeli Cancer Control Center in Haifa, Israel, suspects the protection comes from antioxidant ingredients that are released in the coffee during the roasting process. Rennert’s team, which included researchers from the University of Southern California’s Norris Comprehensive Cancer Center, collected data on more than 5,100 men and women in northern Israel who were diagnosed with colon cancer. This group was then compared with more than 4,000 healthy men and women who had no history of colon cancer. Participants reported how much coffee they consumed daily, including espresso, instant, decaffeinated and filtered coffee. In addition, they reported risk factors for colon cancer, such as family history of cancer, diet, physical activity and smoking. The results:

  • Drinking one to two cups of coffee a day was linked to a 26 percent reduced risk of colon cancer.

  • Drinking more than 2.5 cups of coffee a day was linked to a 50 percent reduced risk of colon cancer.

  • The reduced risk for colon cancer held no matter what type of coffee was consumed.

One caveat: The findings do not prove that coffee lowers the risk of colon cancer, but rather that there is an association between the two. Still, the association is quite strong.

The number one distraction in any office is your colleagues. The sounds other people make — from talking on the phone to burping — is the top distraction in the workplace, reports NPR, which consulted a number of experts who all came up with the same answer to this question. Noises made by human beings are far more distracting to us than noises made by machines because we are more attuned to manmade sounds, Alan Hedge, a workplace design expert from Cornell University, explained to NPR. The days of an office having four walls, a window and a door are long gone unless you’re the boss. The rest of us work in cubes or pods or even open spaces with nothing but air separating the desks. And we don’t like it! It’s not only difficult to concentrate with all that activity swirling around us, but also it’s far easier to catch a cold or the flu with all those germs being spread our way. What are some of the most irritable noises? Several experts cited the following:

  • Munching on carrots

  • Flatulence

  • Hacking cough

  • Personal phone conversations

The only defense employees have is to don earplugs or use headphones to listen to music.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Earlier this year, doctors told 92-year-old Jean Roper that she only had weeks to live. Months later, the senior has undergone an astonishing transformation – and it is all thanks to a little baby girl.  The senior had originally been diagnosed with extreme kidney damage. In addition to being hooked up to an oxygen tank, she could barely get out of bed without assistance, let alone move around the house.  As her family prepared to say goodbye to Roper, her great-granddaughter mentioned that she was going to give birth to a girl – and she wanted to name her after the ailing senior.  Despite Roper having plenty of great-great-grandchildren, none of them are girls; so upon hearing that she would not only be welcoming a baby girl into the family, but also a baby girl who would be her namesake, Roper vowed to live long enough to meet the infant.  On January 31st, Roper’s great-great-granddaughter Magnolia Jean was born. When they were finally introduced, the woman could barely contain her excitement.  Kayla Tracy, who is an aunt to the newborn, told TODAY: “[Roper] shot right up out of her rocking chair — and she hadn’t been walking at all! She had a walker and could barely get out of bed. But the day that baby came, she walked from her bedroom all the way down to the hall to her front door to greet them, which was outrageous.”  Since meeting Magnolia Jean, Roper has continued to recover. The nurses, who recently removed her oxygen tanks, are stunned by her sudden change in health.  Additionally, Tracy posted photos of Roper’s meeting with Magnolia Jean to social media – and the responses have been overwhelmingly encouraging.  “They all think it’s such a miracle, because she was going very soon, and then all of a sudden …” Tracy said. “She cannot believe how many people have seen her story and cared to look at it. It’s been an incredible reaction.  Everybody’s been super positive.”  (Good News Network)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Kyle Byler is a beloved 8th-grade teacher at Lancaster, Pennsylvania’s Hand Middle School and says his students “worked their butts off” during last week’s standardized testing. He wanted to help the kids and reward them, so while they were working hard on the Pennsylvania System of School Assessment, he plugged in an electric griddle and made each kid a single whole-grain pancake to eat during the test. Now he’ll probably be fired. Per Pennsylvania Department of Education (PDE) stats, all but 5% of Hand’s students hail from low-income families, and “for some, whole-grain pancakes may be the only hot meal they’ve gotten that day,” says Lancaster Education Association president Jason Molloy. But after the assistant principal walked into the class during the test, Byler was told he’d be fired for causing a distraction. The 38-year-old teacher, who has been with the school as a social studies teacher since 2013, says that’s hogwash. “I don’t understand what I did wrong. There was no infraction whatsoever.” The PDE has no rule that bans making or serving food during the testing, though a rep for the department said that making the pancakes could have hindered Byler’s ability to “actively” monitor the testing. Though more than two dozen students staged a 2-hour protest on Friday, Lancaster Online reports the school board is expected to green light Byler’s termination. Lancaster Online’s Facebook post on the issue is full of comments in support of Byler, with many recalling being fed snacks by teachers during their own testing, and one noting, “this is as stupid as the lunch ladies that have gotten fired at other schools for paying for school lunches for kids.” (Lancaster Online)

STORY UPDATE: He won’t be fired after all. https://lancasteronline.com/news/local/teacher-who-served-pancakes-during-pssas-won-t-be-fired/article_d24508da-425b-11e8-8ea6-b33c11cb8462.html

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy. But the next day when my shoulder is a painful blistered mess I get kind of angry. –Doug Finney

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 20, 2018…

Rampage-–Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is back on the screen with an early try for a spring blockbuster.  In this film, Johnson is a Primatologist (no, it is not another political party) and through his life, until now, he is friends with a silver-back gorilla named George. Enter something that alters the equation, yes, the experiment gone awry, and George begins growing larger and larger, and with a bit of a temper, too.  Not only that, but other creatures are becoming Godzilla-size and roaming the country. What to do?  Well, The Rock can’t wrestle everything to the ground, so there are other measures, but George is special. Also, in the cast are Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Will Yun Lee, Malin Akerman, Marley Shelton and Joe Manganiello. “Rampage” is rated PG 13 for action sequences. Rating of 2 for fans.

Super Troopers 2—This group of police, namely Highway Patrol, are now sent to the border between Canada and the U.S. There is somewhat of a dispute there and a Highway Patrol Station is needed.  Can anything go right?  The cast includes Rob Lowe, Lynda Carter, Brian Cox and Tyler Labine. “Super Troopers 2” is rated R. No rating.

APRIL 27 2018…

Avengers: Infinity and who hasn’t been waiting for this film? Your favorite  comic book characters are back in action to save the world.

Animal Crackers is an animated film about inheriting an old circus. Voices of John Krasinski and Danny DeVito.

I Feel Pretty stars Amy Schumer as a woman who suddenly thinks she is pretty.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.