April 25, 2015: Saturday ONAIRprep

Print Friendly and PDFNOTE: You may have noticed the slight changes to the welcome page for ONAIRprep – primarily, the green “Member Entrance” button and the red “Member Login” button. You will need to begin using these buttons on Monday, May 4TH as we revert back to using unique usernames and passwords to gain admittance to the prep pages. Be on the lookout for an email with more information about this important and overdue change.

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hello and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW); or, as it’s known in France, “Le Fiasco du Jour.”

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: To believe in the one he has sent.” — John 6:29

 

Since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities — his eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. — Romans 1:20

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

But godliness with contentment is great gain. — 1 Timothy 6:6

 

Thought: What determines our financial worth? Do we compute it in terms of dollars, or possessions, or investments? Paul reminded Timothy that ultimate gain, the gain of inestimable value, is really determined by a very simple formula: net worth = (godly character) X (contentment). What would happen if we recognized the truly wealthy as those who were godly in their character and contented with their blessings in life?

 

Prayer: O LORD God, the one from whom every blessing flows, readjust my values from the greed of this world to a holy set of financial convictions. Conform my character to the godliness that Jesus demonstrated in his daily life. Teach me the contentment that can only be found in you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

Proverbs 4:25 NIV = Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – APRIL 25, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 245 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

This is NATIONAL CRIME VICTIMS WEEK.  ***MARLAR: Imagine that, crime victims get a whole week, while criminals celebrate their rights all year round. Isn’t that special?

 

This is ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS WEEK, which used to be called National Secretaries Week. ***MARLAR: You ever notice how your boss always gives you a snazzier title rather than give you a raise in pay? Looks like they’ve done it to secretaries again! You don’t get a day off this week… and you don’t get a raise or any special gifts… they’ve just renamed the week to make you feel better about your job. (Of course, if you’re a boss – this is the perfect day to show your appreciation to your administrative professionals!)

 

Today is HULK DAY. On this day in 1962, MARVEL Comics published the first issue of a new comic book, The Incredible Hulk. ***MARLAR: It’s not easy being green. In fact, The Incredible Hulk wasn’t supposed to be. Originally the Hulk was gray. But a temporary shortage of black ink forced them to switch to a different color – green, and the rest is Hulk history.  Ironically, the Hulk made a lot more green once he turned green, not so much green when he was gray, and now he’s in the black.

 

It’s NATIONAL ZUCCHINI BREAD DAY. ***MARLAR: And a happy day it is for that one person in town that likes it.

 

Today is NATIONAL DISC JOCKEY DAY. ***MARLAR: Yes! Finally… recognition!!! Do you think it’s easy coming up with something stupid to say every three minutes?!?! Nothing really changes today though, I’ll still be irresponsible and make dumb comments on the air, it’s just that this one day out of the entire year I can claim I’m doing it intentionally.

 

Today is DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD DAY. The guillotine was first used in France on this day in 1792. ***MARLAR: And it happens to be Disc Jockey Day too? I don’t know if there’s a correlation there or not, but that’s really creepy.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Bob Wills Day

DNA Day

Eeyore’s Birthday

Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug a Plumber Day / Plumbers Day

International Marconi Day

License Plates Day

National Mani-pedi Day

Malaria Awareness Day

National Dance Day

National Go Birding Day

National Herb Day

Parental Alienation Day

Penguin Day

National Rebuilding Day

Red Hat Society Day

Save The Frogs Day

Sense of Smell Day

Spring Astronomy Day

World Day for Animals in Laboratories

World Healing Day

World Veterinary Day

World Tai Chi & Qigong Day

World Penguin Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, APRIL 26

Doo Dah Day

Hug An Australian Day

National Help a Horse Day

Audubon Day

Mother, Father Deaf Day

National Kids and Pets Day

National Pretzel Day

National Pet Parent’s Day

Pinhole Photography Day

Richter Scale Day

World Intellectual Property Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 27

Babe Ruth Day

Mantanzas Mule Day

Morse Code Day

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 28

Biological Clock Day

Workers Memorial Day

World Day for Safety and Health at Work

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29

Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare

International Dance Day

International Guide Dogs Day

Peace Rose Day

World Wish Day

Zipper Day

Adopt a Shelter Pet Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 30

Adopt a Shelter Pet Day

Beltane

Bugs Bunny Day

International Jazz Day

National Animal Advocacy Day

National Honesty Day

Poem In Your Pocket Day

Spank Out Day (USA)

Walpurgis Night

 

FRIDAY, MAY 01

Amtrak Day

Batman Day

Beltane

Dandelion Day

Executive Coaching Day

Global Love Day

International Space Day

Keep Kids Alive, Drive 25 Day

Law Day

Lei Day

Loyalty Day

Mariachi Day

May Day

Mother Goose Day

National Bubba Day

National Purebred Dog Day

New Homeowner’s Day

School Principals’ Day

Silver Star Day

Stepmother’s Day

Tuba Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 02

Beer Pong Day

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day

Free Comic Book Day

Join Hands Day

Kentucky Derby

Martin Z. Mollusk Day

National Homebrew Day

National Scrapbooking Day

World Naked Gardening Day

Roberts Rule of Order Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1868: America’s first unemployment office opened in California. ***MARLAR: Today, people who sit around doing nothing while others work are called “managers.”

 

1901: New York became the first U.S. state to require auto license plates. They were inscribed with the owner’s initials. The fee was $1.00.

 

1928: The first guide dog was trained to help a blind owner. Buddy, a German Shepherd, became the companion of Morris Frank.

 

1943: Pitching for Buffalo in the International Baseball League, Rufus Gentry tied a record, originally set in 1916, by winning an 11-inning no-hitter. Buffalo defeated Newark 1-0.

 

1950: In the NBA draft, the Boston Celtics used their second-round pick to select Chuck Cooper of Duquesne. That fall, Cooper would become the first African-American to play in the NBA.

 

1968: The Beatles refused to perform for the Queen of England at a British Olympic Appeal Fund show. Their explanation, “We don’t do benefits.”

 

1982: Jane Fonda released her first workout video.

 

1985: “Big River: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” opened on Broadway. The score was written by country composer Roger Miller.

 

1988: Sonny Bono was elected mayor of Palm Springs, California. In 1994 he was elected to Congress. He died in a skiing accident in 1997.

 

1988: Whitney Houston released her second album, “Whitney,” which included a duet with her mother Cissy. The solo “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” became Whitney’s seventh #1 single in a row.

 

1990: Drummer Mitch Mitchell sold the late Jimi Hendricks’ Fender Stratocaster guitar to an undisclosed buyer in London for $338,580. It’s the guitar Jimi used to play the “Star Spangled Banner” at Woodstock.

 

1990: The Hubble space telescope was launched and a few days later they found out the pictures it sent back were blurry. ***MARLAR: What did they expect? The darned thing is moving thousands of miles per hour… when is the last time you took a clear picture while running with your Kodak camera?

 

1991: Britain’s Broadcasting Standards Council proclaimed that the cult TV soap opera ‘Twin Peaks” was in bad taste, and that an episode depicting a man being beaten to death went “beyond all acceptable limits.” (audio clip)

 

1999: Troy Cooper of Columbia, South Carolina, said he’d been offered $100-thousand and two Buicks for his 1981 Toyota Corolla, but he wasn’t about to sell it. The car was covered with trinkets: earrings, fishing lures, beads, marbles — 33,000 doodads stuck on with ceramic tile glue. Friends gave him most of the trinkets.

 

2003: Southwest Airlines fired two pilots for “inappropriate conduct” after they removed all or most of their clothes mid-flight in the cockpit of a Boeing 737. The pilots claimed they spilled coffee on their clothes, but the airline ruled the prank went too far. The US Federal Aviation Administration said though rules forbid behavior that distracts crew members, there was no specific ban on flying naked.

 

2003: Georgia lawmakers voted to take the Dixie cross from the state’s flag.

 

2004: Cosmetics queen Estee Lauder died in New York at age 97.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1214: Louis IX, king of France and saint, is born. Leader of the Seventh and Eighth Crusades (he died on the latter), he was known for his humility: he wore hair shirts and visited hospitals—where he emptied the bedpans.

 

1599: Oliver Cromwell, the Puritan lord protector of England, is born near Cambridge. As lord protector he sought to allow more freedom of religion.

 

1800: Death of William Cowper, a depressive poet and hymn writer. He is remembered for his friendship with ex-slaver John Newton and for his hymn “There Is a Fountain Filled With Blood.”

 

1841: The Roman Catholic missionary Pierre Chanel dies a martyr on Tonga where he had come despite strong Protestant resistence. He began work on an island unreached by Protestants.

 

1887: Radio evangelist Charles E. Fuller, known for his “Old Fashioned Revival Hour” and for co-founding Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, California, is born in Los Angeles.

 

1911: A rare Gutenberg Bible sells for $50,000, the equivalent of at least $500,000 today.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Bridget Jones movies, Chicago, Cold Mountain) Renee Zellweger, 46
  • Actor (Godzilla, Huff, Dodgeball, Nobody’s Perfect, Nat Ostertag on “Mad About You,” voice actor for “The Simpsons”) Hank Azaria, 51 (audio clip)
  • Actress (The Godfather, Rocky) Talia Shire, 69
  • Actor (Any Given Sunday, Insomnia, Dog Day Afternoon, The Recruit, The Devil’s Advocate, Heat, Scent of a Woman) Al Pacino, 75

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1918 : Ella Fitzgerald

1923 : Albert King

1923 : Jerry Leiber

1925 : Prentiss Barnes (The Moonglows)

1932 : Willis “Gator” Jackson

1944 : Michael Kogel (Los Bravos)

1945 : Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA)

1945 : Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival)

1946 : Ronnie Gilbert (Blues Magoos)

1949 : Michael Brown (The Left Banke)

1950 : Steve Ferrone (Average White Band)

1955 : David Sikes (Boston, Giuffria)

1964 : Andy Bell (Erasure)

1965 : Eric Avery (Jane’s Addiction)

1977 : Matthew West

1980 : Jacob Underwood (O-Town)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why give Ladybugs such a benign name?

Let’s face it: Creepy crawly things and flying, many-legged creatures will win few popularity contests. We don’t have too many affectionate names for bugs. All the more reason why Ladybugs–in Britain they’re “Ladybirds”–sound like a creation of the Disney studios. Who can step on something with a name like that? How did these beetles, for that’s what they are, get away with it? Simple. They eat other insects that eat plants. Plant loving people were so grateful that they not only gave them a warm, friendly name, but also in fact named them in honor of the Virgin Mary, as in “Our Lady!” How’s that for a good press? There’s only one problem. Some Ladybugs like a salad before the main course. They, too, will eat plants. But I won’t tell if you won’t.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

After being a band for 22 years, Third Day is still having “firsts”. The band later this month will embark on their first ever official Canadian tour. Guitarist Mark Lee says that, while they have played there quite a bit, they have never done so as part of a focused tour. Third Day will make seven stops in Canada between April 29th and May 7th.

 

Matthew West is giving you the chance to be part of his CD release show later this month. Matthew will hold a 60 minute online acoustic concert on April 27, the day before the release of he new album Live Forever. He says the night will feature songs from the new CD, the stories that inspired the new songs, videos from the new album, and songs by request. Matthew will also answer your questions and a surprise guest or two may even show up. Find out more about the online concert next Monday at 7:00pm CT at http://t.co/9LDnQWFe24

 

Megan Garrett has cut out sugar and caffeine and it doesn’t sound like it’s going well. The Casting Crowns member tweeted: why does it have to hurt my head so bad. Megan added: sorry for yelling, but I’m a bit on edge. She said it feels like a frying pan to the face.

 

Wild turkeys beware. Kutless frontman Jon Micah Sumrall tweeted that he had time to shoot his new hunting bow while he was home earlier this week. He says he’s starting to get it dialed in and shared a picture of the target riddled with arrow holes and one very dead paper plate.

 

Kari Jobe was being a little sappy this week. She shared an open letter to her husband of 5 months. Kari said: Still can’t believe I get to be married to you. When I said yes I knew I loved you… but 5 months in I love you even more… at the end of my life I won’t know what to do with all the love in my heart for you. You are a gift to me. A great treasure from heaven. Thank you Cody Carnes for making me your Mrs. Carnes.

 

+++++

 

The members of Tenth Avenue North introduced their social media followers to one of their top fans this week. Alex Currie had the chance to join Tenth Avenue North on tour for several weeks this spring as he wrapped up his senior year in High School. Alex has a special place in the hearts of Tenth Avenue North because he began a fan site for the band all the way back when he was in middle school.

 

Jamie Grace this week was celebrating the fact that there is finally some diversity in the emjoi’s available. She tweeted: so happy there are finally brown people emojis. However, Jamie has already found a problem. She found that, if you don’t have the latest update, the new emoji’s show up as aliens rather than people.

 

To kick off the release of his new CD Live Forever, Matthew West is staging quite a promotional event. West is planning to do 24 Shows in 24 Hours on the release date, April 28. At midnight he will embark on the non-stop special event, visiting 24 different spots in and around the Nashville area in 24 hours. Matthew West will be performing at such places as the historic Ryman Auditorium, Tri-Star Children’s Hospital and Women’s Center, Teen Challenge in Madison, and ASCAP on Music Row. He is also slated to sing the National Anthem at the Vanderbilt vs. Belmont baseball game. Nashville’s local NBC affiliate will be filming part of the day’s events and several of the concerts will go across the globe via Skype. 
https://t.e2ma.net/message/jo7dfb/fhz75d

 

Group 1 Crew front man Manny Reyes says his new record is forcing him in to a new season of faith. Manny shared on Facebook: Every part of my emotions and flesh wanna give up everyday cause of the insecurity and pressure of succeeding. But how beautiful it is to be put in a position where everything is out of your hands and the only thing you can do is trust Him! I don’t know about you, but I look forward to seeing if my faith is real or not. I’m done with just saying I trust Him, I want to put those words into action. Whatever may come Lord, you’re the goal! Nothing else matters.

 

Citizenway’s Ben Blascoe is feeling a lot of emotions as the band pushes through a intense stretch of concerts. Ben tweeted on night 7 of an 11 night stretch. He said he was: Exhausted. Homesick. Frustrated. Thankful. Inspired. and Hopeful all at the same time.

 

Christy Nockels says first class is for wimps. The worship leader was on an all night flight to London this week with her husband. She said she was spending the night sitting up really straight with a screaming baby in the seat behind her. But she was looking on the bright side. Christy said: just think how much money we didn’t spend.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Sea lion pup waddles away from water, gets ride back to sea    photo
FORT BRAGG, Calif. (AP) — A healthy sea lion pup that was returned to the sea by deputies after waddling a quarter-mile onshore seemed to be staying in the waves on Wednesday — at least for now, officers said. “There’s no reports of him running down the street or anything,” Mendocino…

 

Scottish collie behind wheel of runaway vehicle causes scare    photo
LONDON (AP) — Don the Sheepdog might want to learn a new trick: applying the brakes. The border collie inspired a traffic scare and social media gold after he plunged down a hill and onto a highway in his master’s vehicle. Wednesday’s incident near Abington, Scotland, began when farmer Tom…
Massachusetts police receiving calls from Australia
NORTHBRIDGE, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts police department has been receiving some curious calls from people with Australian accents. Police dispatchers in Northbridge say they have recently received several calls on their business line from people in an Australian community with the same…
Cops: Driver cruised for miles with man on hood after fight
PITTSBURGH (AP) — State police say a Pittsburgh man drove for several miles through seven communities with another man clinging to the hood of his vehicle after an argument. The driver, 46-year-old Dwayne Harvard, is charged with aggravated assault and other crimes after the Sunday night…
Man lost in Boston tunnel vent calls police, gets arrested
BOSTON (AP) — A man who called police to say he was trapped in an underground storm drain in Boston has been rescued and charged with trespassing. Daniel Kelly called police Monday night after getting lost inside a wall vent of the Ted Williams Tunnel, part of the Big Dig system. Police asked…
Firefighters rescue duck stuck in Louisiana fireplace
SLIDELL, La. (AP) — Firefighters in Louisiana have rescued a duck lodged in a fireplace. WVUE-TV (http://bit.ly/1yKz37O) reports firefighters in St. Tammany Parish responded to an unusual call Sunday from a home in Slidell outside New Orleans. When firefighters arrived, they discovered a…
Woman gets 3-7-years for shooting over bacon-less burger
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) — A Michigan woman has been sentenced to three to seven years in prison for opening fire at a McDonald’s restaurant after workers twice failed to put bacon on her burgers. Authorities say 30-year-old Shaneka Torres became angry in February 2014 when the first burger…
Cops: Woman arrested at JFK hid cocaine in girdle, underwear
NEW YORK (AP) — Authorities quickly found out why an arriving passenger at Kennedy Airport was so nervous: She had 4 pounds of cocaine hidden in her girdle and underwear. Authorities said Monday that 70-year-old Olive Fowler seemed nervous when she arrived in New York from Guyana on April 12….
California woman eats 3 steak dinners in 20 minutes in Texas    photo
AMARILLO, Texas (AP) — A competitive eater has conquered three 72-ounce steak dinners in about 20 minutes during a food challenge held at a restaurant in Amarillo, Texas. Dozens of people gathered outside The Big Texan Steak Ranch on Sunday afternoon to watch Molly Schuyler eat the steaks,…
Clean-water advocate takes Earth Day swim at Superfund site    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — A clean-water advocate took an Earth Day swim in the polluted Gowanus Canal, a federal Superfund site. “I’m going in!” yelled Christopher Swain, wearing a yellow-and-black protective suit and a green swim cap as he crossed a railing into the water near a sewage discharge point…
Frustrated technophobe ‘kills’ computer, gets citation
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) — For killing the source of his frustration and abandoning the body in an alley, a Colorado man could be considered lucky for just receiving a citation — except his victim was his computer. HASH(0x140fdc0) Colorado Springs police Lt. Jeff Strossner, who…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Q&A: What’s listeria and how is it traced to ice cream?    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — New technologies account for one way that the government is tracking a life-threatening outbreak of listeria linked to Blue Bell ice cream products. Texas-based Blue Bell Creameries recalled all its products this week after listeria was found in a variety of the company’s…

 

CDC using new technology to track listeria Illnesses    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The government is relying on some new technology — as well as a bit of luck — to track an outbreak of life-threatening listeria linked to Blue Bell ice cream products. Texas-based Blue Bell Creameries recalled all its products this week as listeria was found in a…
Q&A: What is listeria? Bacteria found in Blue Bell ice cream    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Blue Bell Creameries is pulling all of its products off the shelves after samples of its ice cream tested positive for a potentially deadly bacteria — listeria. The recall announced late Monday includes ice cream, frozen yogurt, sherbet and frozen snacks distributed in…
VA pledges broad review of claims processing
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Department of Veterans Affairs said Wednesday it has launched a top-down review of its handling of disability claims and pledged to punish those who falsify data as pressure mounted on Capitol Hill for personnel changes amid mismanagement investigations in Philadelphia…
Health officials probe cause of suspected botulism at picnic
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Heath officials said Wednesday they are working to determine which food from a church potluck might have caused a suspected botulism outbreak that left one person dead and 23 others sick. Doctors and officials said at a news conference Wednesday that health workers are…
Worried sick over canine flu? Tips to help protect your pup    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — An outbreak of canine flu has sickened more than 1,000 dogs in the Midwest, killing a handful and stirring concern among animal lovers nationwide that the highly contagious virus will sideline their pets. Experts blame the epidemic on a strain called H3N2 that is seen in…
Guinea: 11 accused in Ebola worker deaths get life sentences
CONAKRY, Guinea (AP) — A Guinea court sentenced 11 people accused of killing eight Ebola health workers and journalists last year to life in prison on Tuesday. Judge Mamadou Diop released 15 other suspects at the conclusion of the trial, according to state TV. The trial in the remote town of…
Trader Joe’s Sweet Apple Chicken Sausage is recalled
MONROVIA, Calif. (AP) — Trader Joe’s customers who bought the chain’s Sweet Apple Chicken Sausage are urged to throw it out amid concerns plastic may have made its way into the packages. The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced this week that Massachusetts-based sausage maker Kayem Foods…
Task force: Mammograms in 40s a choice, but don’t skip at 50
WASHINGTON (AP) — Women should get a mammogram every two years starting at age 50 — and while routine screening brings little benefit in the 40s, beginning it that early should be a personal choice, a government task force said Monday. Also, there’s not enough evidence to tell if new…
Lawmakers seek FDA review of ingredients used in cosmetics
WASHINGTON (AP) — Two U.S. senators introduced legislation Monday that would require the Food and Drug Administration to evaluate and report on some of the ingredients used in cosmetics and personal-care products such as shampoo and skin cream. The bill would require the FDA to investigate at…
FDA: Safety problems prompted review of homeopathic remedies    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A top federal drug regulator says increased safety problems with homeopathic remedies contributed to the government’s decision to revisit its oversight of the products this week. The Food and Drug Administration on Tuesday wrapped up a two-day meeting to hear from supporters…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

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NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NONE ON THE WEEKENDS

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

NONE ON THE WEEKENDS

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Time Clocks”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ron McGehee, “Dating”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear, Nozzles the Elephant, and Sully the Aardvark all traded their blue-handled tools to Racquet the Skunk so he’d make all of them custom badminton racquets. But Racquet has a plan… a way to make his friends keep buying more racquets so he can get rich…

 

CLOSE: Looks like we’re about to find out if these new racquets are going to be the racket Racquet wants them to be. That is, we’re going to find out if the new racquets break easily – forcing Racquets friends to buy new ones. Will Racquet’s scheme work? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 25/26, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson, after escaping from the hospital to avoid getting his tonsils taken out, found that because of his cowardice, most of his friends, family, and even children in the future will all suffer cowardice as well – getting sick and dying from following Marvy’s example!

 

CLOSE: Tune in next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode in the never-ending deep-jungle saga that is As The Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Some people just refuse to believe that the Civil War is over.

When Newton Station, PA, security guard Curtis Stony showed up for work with two Confederate flag stickers on his pickup and another on his lunch pail, his supervisors told him the plant did not allow Confederate symbols because they might offend other workers. Storey refused to remove them and lost his job. He sued, arguing that his ex-employer had discriminated against him based on his national origin, which he identified as Confederate Southern American. He also argued that the flag is a protected religious symbol. A federal court ruled against him on both counts.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE FROM TEXAS

  1. A ten-gallon hat just ain’t big enough–yours is 25 gallons.
  2. You once knocked a man out for saying that he didn’t like steak.
  3. You have never heard of the term “recycle”, trash is trash, ya’ll!
  4. As far as you’re concerned, a “foreigner” is anyone who wasn’t born in Texas.
  5. You won’t buy a shirt unless it has shiny mother-of-pearl buttons, and a piece of rope sewed to it somewhere.
  6. At your wedding, you wore boots with your tuxedo.
  7. Your belt buckle costs more than your truck.
  8. You get claustrophobic while visiting Rhode Island.
  9. What you call “a decent steak” other people refer to as “three cows”.
  10. You have both a casual and a formal belt buckle.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

First there was “road rage.”  Then came “air rage” and all sorts of other kinds of rages.  Well, now we’re going to have to deal with “leaf rage.”

 

FILE #1: According to cops, a senior citizen homeowner went berserk after city workers refused to haul off leaves he piled on a right-of-way. “He grabbed my jacket and said: ‘You’re not going anywhere,'” says one of the workers. Adding, “The guy was spitting and swearing.” Michael Aeters, 67, of North Stamford, Connecticut, got all shook up when workers told him they only pick up leaves piled on the street. He was charged with breach of the peace, a misdemeanor. “Things build up and I went berserk,” says Peters. “All I am trying to do is get a service that’s being offered to all my neighbors.”

 

FILE #2: Two New York City police officers gave 60-year-old Yvette Bavier a ticket for littering after they saw her throwing birdseed on the ground during her lunch break. Thankfully, the streets are now safe from her reckless bird feeding.

 

FILE #3: A Medford, Oregon man stuffed a $42 bottle of Calvin Klein perfume down his pants and headed for the store’s front door.  Of course, it was all on video camera and security caught up with him just as he was jumping into the frigid waters of a nearby creek and running into an open field … right on the training grounds of the Medford police K-9 units.  The dogs had no problem keeping up with the scent of both the man or the Calvin Klein perfume.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Indiana it is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A Head Start teacher in Nashville was surprised when a 4-year-old brought a baggie of marijuana with him to preschool.

The youngster said it came from his mother, Yolanda Burns. Burns arrived at the school and was questioned by detectives. She told police she would test positive if given a drug test and admitted to using the illegal drug earlier, but she denied either giving it to her son or letting him have access to it. She’s been charged with child abuse.  ***MARLAR: She says she didn’t allow her son access to it?  He accessed it – that’s how this became a public story in the first place!  Apparently it alters your sense of reality.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

When watching television, have you ever noticed the bellies of people they show when they have a story about fat people? You can’t see their heads, just the stomachs. And when they’re talking about smoking, they show the most ugly gross people smoking they can find – like they purposely picked yucky people and not one halfway decent looking person to make you hate smokers. If they were going to use YOU for file footage in a news story, what would they use you for?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What famous rabbi was Paul’s teacher?

ANSWER: Gamaliel (Acts 22:3)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What popular automobile was discontinued in 1978 but brought back to market with much publicity and fanfare in 1998?

ANSWER: Volkswagen Beetle

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Buckingham Palace has more than 600 rooms. (True!)

 

  1. The production number assigned to The Wizard of Oz by MGM was 13. (False – it was 1060)

 

  1. Twinkies are 68 percent air. (True)

 

  1. Alaska could hold the 21 smallest states. (True)

 

  1. There are 24 flowers on each Oreo cookie. (True)

 

  1. Americans eat 12 million bananas each year. (False – try 12 BILLION!)

 

  1. The black lines on a basketball are called the “chords”. (False – “channels”)

 

  1. The average bank robbery yields just $4,400 for the criminal. (True)

 

  1. When McDonald’s opened its first restaurant in Kuwait in 1994, the drive-through line was seven miles long. (True)

 

  1. Shaggy from Scooby-Doo’s real name is Norville Rogers. (True. His home address is 224 Maple Street, Coolsville.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ED ANGER SAYS: EARTH DAY IS FOR __________ (LOSERS)

Time was, Earth Day was just for dirty crazy hippies. You could stay away from it if you just figured out where the bad smell was coming from, then went the other way.

But now Earth Day is run by big corporations and politicians and millionaires, who want you to buy their soap that doesn’t clean stuff at twice the price, and those curly light bulbs with the poison inside them.

If I want a toilet that doesn’t flush, I’ll go back to using an outhouse – and that’s not gonna happen!

Why do the same people who want to fix the environment want to hand out free condoms at the same time – isn’t rubber bad for Planet Earth? I guess it’s ok because rubber comes from trees. They like everything “natural” – unless it’s tobacco!

I can’t keep track of all this crap. Especially the thing about passing laws against cow farts. You know what’s coming? A law against breathing! These jerks love the Earth – it’s people they hate. They say we’re overpopulated, so why don’t they kill themselves. Then we’d all be happy!

I don’t see the point of saving the polar bears anyhow. They don’t do cute tricks like seals do. If we could train them to kill terrorists or patrol the border, that would be something useful, but otherwise they just lay around getting their pictures taken.

This Earth Day, the closest I want to get to nature is the pine tree air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror of my big old truck!

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”

“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

 

JOKE #2

A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country.
Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby and said, “Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today.”
After a few minutes, Shelby return to her Dad and handed him the map, correctly fitted and taped together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. “Oh,” she said, “on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together.”

 

JOKE #3

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros for his new movie, they are Arnold Schwarzenneger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone. Pitching his movie he says, “This is gonna be an action flick with a twist…all three leads will be famous musical composers.”
After some thought all three stars agree it’s a new concept for an action flick and decide to get involved. In turn, Scorscese asks each star who they would like to play.
Bruce Willis pipes up first with “I’ve always wanted to play Mozart…”
“Great, great!”, enthuses Scorscese, “What about you, Sly?”
Stallone thinks awhile and then says,”I’ve always liked Burt Baccarach’s music, I’ll be him.”
“Wonderful, wonderful, Sly”, says Scorscese and, turning to Schwarzenneger he says “And how about you, Arnie?”
Arnold thinks for a while and after some eye rolling and tutting turns to Scorscese and says…. “I’ll be Bach.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A man was arrested in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, after he opened the door of a plane that was about to take off, leapt to the tarmac and ran back to the terminal.  ***MARLAR: Some people will do anything to get away from a screaming baby.

 

For almost a century in many parts of the United States people have referred to carbonated beverages as “pop” because of the sound you hear when you open the can or bottle. Back in the 1930s many grocery stores had a comic sign in their window that had some fun with the word: “We don’t know where mom is, but we have Pop on ice.” (True!)

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

JOB PERKS

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee’s pay.
She said, “My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month’s sick leave AND they paid the full premiums.”
“I can’t help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits,” the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, “The company went bankrupt.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

INEDIBLE PRANK
A Wisconsin high school student has been sentenced to probation for baking hair in a cake and serving it to teachers. John Smith (yes, his REAL NAME) shaved his body hair, baked it in the cake and brought it to school for his class. But, when he couldn’t serve it in class, he brought it to the teacher’s lounge. After it was half eaten, school officials discovered hair throughout the cake. ***MARLAR: He only received probation though, because it took so long to tell the difference between the cake and the deserts normally served in the school cafeteria.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GARDENING GOD’S WAY

Unknown

 

Plant three rows of peas:

Peace of mind

Peace of heart

Peace of soul

 

Plant four rows of squash:

Squash gossip

Squash indifference

Squash grumbling

Squash selfishness

 

Plant four rows of lettuce:

Lettuce be faithful

Lettuce be kind

Lettuce be obedient

Lettuce really love one another

 

No garden without turnips:

Turnip for meetings

Turnip for service

Turnip to help one another

 

Water freely with patience and cultivate love. There is much fruit for your garden Because you reap what you sow.

 

To conclude our garden

We must have thyme:

Thyme for God

Thyme for study

Thyme for prayer

Thyme for each other

Thyme for friends

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LIFE IS REAL

Paul Van Gorder

Read: Psalm 56

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. – Psalm 56:3

In the comic strip Peanuts, Lucy had just broken the news to Linus that children cannot live at home forever. Eventually they grow up and move away. Then she said that when he left she would get his room. But Linus quickly reminded her that at some time she too would have to leave home. When this realization hit Lucy, she was shocked, but she quickly came up with a solution. She turned the TV up loud, crawled into her beanbag chair with a bowl of ice cream, and refused to think about it.

Avoiding unpleasant circumstances is not as easy as Lucy thinks. Life’s realities cannot be avoided. We may try to run and hide, but struggles and trials have a way of dogging our footsteps and eventually catching up with us.

Instead, we should face up to our problems. The psalmist David did this when beset by persistent foes and false friends. He didn’t try to minimize his danger; he acknowledged the storm that was raging around him and looked to the Lord. He wrote, “In God I have put my trust” (Psalm 56:4).

Let’s follow David’s example—not Lucy’s. Facing up to life’s difficulties may be a frightening experience. But when we trust God and draw close to Him, we’ll experience real deliverance.

 

Whatever life may bring your way
Each hour of every passing day,
Throughout the months and long years too,
The Lord in heaven will care for you. —Anon.

 

When troubles call on you, call on God.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

This is disturbing. A 16-year-old boy from Montville Township, Ohio, is being investigated after charges that he cooked and served a couple of animals he reportedly picked up at a pet store.

His High School Principal Beto Gage said the boy intended to prepare a meal of wild game for fellow students in his Living Skills class, which is similar to home economics. However, according to the Humane Society, the boy purchased a rabbit and guinea pig from a pet store, killed them at some point, and then brought them into the class, where they were cooked and eaten. Ironically, there may be nothing to charge him with. Ohio State law forbids needless killing or committing an act of cruelty against an animal but the argument police are facing is, “If you’re going to eat it, is it needless?” ***MARLAR: In the meantime the Humane Society is crying murder, the cops are scratching their heads, the boy’s class is probably throwing up and he’s just standing around wondering if this means he won’t get an A.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

LAY OFF THE SOY SAUCE – IT CAUSES CANCER!

If the MSG doesn’t get you, the soy sauce might. Australian scientists are warning that a chemical found in many common foods, including soy sauce, is “probably” cancer causing. It’s called ethyl carbamate, or ECB, and it can occur naturally in foods like breads, yogurt and alcohol that undergoes fermentation during processing or storage. The International Agency for Research on Cancer upgraded the risk from “possible” to “probable.”

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

GOOD GIGS

Think you’ve got a bad job? Check out some of the jobs Express Personnel Services say they have hired temporary workers to do:

  • Wipe blood and spit off of Plexiglas at hockey games for minimum wage.
  • Chase deer off an airport runway for minimum wage.
  • Pour thousands of cans of rancid beverages down a drain for minimum wage.
  • And finally, a company in Redmond, Washington, actually hired three temps for minimum wage to look busy and professional to make visitors think it had a larger staff.

 

 

FUN LIST

MURPHY’S RELATIVES?

Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:

  • After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. –Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
  • Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. –Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
  • Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. –Tussman’s Law
  • If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. –Lowery’s Law
  • The solution to a problem changes the problem. –Peer’s Law
  • The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. –Ehrlich’s Law
  • Thinly sliced cabbage. –Cole’s Law

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Inside Advantage

As I set out in my 30s to build my empire, which fell significantly short of an actual empire, I sought counsel from several successful business people. One of my most important questions was how to structure a new venture. The response I heard most resoundingly was, “avoid partnerships!” And in particular, equal partnerships! I took that counsel to heart.
Over the years, I have come to understand why that is sage advice. The idea of partnerships is grand — at the beginning. Two people have a different set of skills and knowledge. Put together, they should create a synergy that becomes quite powerful if they have good business sense and work well together. Of course, their business needs to be a viable and sought-after enterprise.
That being said, partnerships can easily become a burden. In most cases, one partner is smarter than the other. Eventually, that becomes apparent. Sometimes very quickly. Views begin to conflict over growth strategies, expenses, office space, location…and the list is too long to continue.
What does this sound like? To me, it sounds like a marriage. Two people begin the journey with the best of intentions. Their foundation is built on “love.” And then reality hits. Unless the couple gets help—sometimes professional help—lookout.
Thus I was quite intrigued over the weekend to see a New York Times story about how two men who bonded well in college went on to start a successful tech firm. These guys really connected. They do a LOT together besides business. They are joined at the hip.
But like a married couple—and these men are not romantically linked—they have issues. They disagree over things. They fight. They make up. The stress of this relationship falls on their coworkers. It gets difficult.
So what do they do? Get ready. They get counseling! Yeah…like marriage/relationship counseling. The article is titled “Anger Management: Why the Genius Founders Turned to Couples Therapy.” You should read it. In an odd way, it’s funny. http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/19/fashion/anger-management-why-the-genius-founders-turned-to-couples-therapy.html?emc=edit_th_20150419&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=68618012
So here’s a big takeaway I learned. “Counseling has become a popular way for young technology entrepreneurs to work out their differences. ‘Except for the sex, founders have the same interdependency as married couples,’ said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, who holds that businesses and romantic relationships fail for similar reasons.”
Imagine that. Two grown up men sitting in their counselor’s office pouring out their baggage. And getting…help. What a concept!
Now here’s a powerful addition. People, who receive God’s great gift of reconciliation to Him through Jesus, receive a BIG bonus. Along with the guilt-free complete forgiveness of sin, they are given the Holy Spirit! The Bible describes the Holy Spirit as a real person—Who actually becomes a part of your human life.
To what benefit? I will use the Amplified Bible to give this full treatment. Here is what Jesus tells His disciples, as recorded in John 14:26: “But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you.”
To be clear, every single person who receives God’s truth about Jesus is given this special gift Who resides within. The Spirit guides, comforts, and interacts on our behalf before the Heavenly Father. Amazing. But only those who receive Jesus by faith have this. You might well call it, an “inside advantage.”
Make no mistake. Do followers of Jesus often require coaching, marriage counseling, and other forms of professional help? Certainly. But if their hearts are tuned right, there are insights galore with which to be blessed.
Now the unscrupulous might wonder if this Spirit would help with insider trading. For that I say, “You naughty person. You need to go to Sunday School.”
End of story.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Breakfast is a meal that you should make absolutely sure that you eat, and it should be your BIGGEST meal of the day!
… Bizarrely some experts recommend that in an ideal world you would have your largest meal in the morning then reduce the size of them through the day. However this is not how we seem to be trained to eat and very few of us have a large enough appetite in the morning for a main meal, or indeed the time to eat it before heading off to work!  However you should ensure that you do have a breakfast and ideally one with lots of protein – from things like eggs, or fish or lean meat.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

Coming May 4th, 2015!

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

Facebook users are a key part of how the company makes its money — and the social network can put a price on how much revenue the average user helped generate over the past quarter by interacting with advertisements. An ABC News report found that, for the first quarter of 2015, the average Facebook user helped bring in $2.50 of revenue to the company. However, looking at it geographically, the average user in the United States and Canada contributed significantly more revenue, totaling $8.32. Facebook received $3.54 billion in revenue over the past quarter.
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/heres-money-made-facebook-quarter/story?id=30511094&ts=true

 

Mary Doyle Keefe, the model for Norman Rockwell’s iconic 1943 Rosie the Riveter painting that symbolized the millions of American women who went to work on the home front during World War II, has died. She was 92. According to ABC News, Keefe died Tuesday in Simsbury, Connecticut, after a brief illness. Keefe grew up in Arlington, Vermont, where she met Rockwell — who lived in West Arlington — and posed for his painting when she was a 19-year-old telephone operator. 
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory/model-rockwells-rosie-riveter-painting-dies-92-30507675

 

New research suggests that deprivation of an amino acid called arginine may contribute to Alzheimer’s disease. According to Time Magazine, that finding could help usher in new treatment strategies for patients suffering from the debilitating illness. According to the story, a team at Duke University focusing on the immune system found that cells designed to protect the brain from infection will uncharacteristically consume arginine during the early stages of Alzheimer’s. They say further tests are needed find ways to better block the arginine consumption process.
http://ti.me/1OdtSPA

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 24, 2015…

 

Little Boy—This is an unusual story about a small boy, age seven, who decides he wants to end WWII.  He and his father are great friends, but when the father is called to go to war, the boy begins to worry about his safety. It is a story of faith…lots of faith. Hmm, see what happens here. Stars include Jakob Salvanti, Kevin James, Emily Watson, Ted Levine and Tom Wilkinson. “Little Boy” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

The Water Diviner— This film is the directing debut of actor Russell Crowe and is adapted from the novel by Andrew Anastasasios and Dr. Meghan Anastasasios. The premise has a farmer in the Balkans, after WWI, trying to locate his sons who are soldiers. He finds graves, but are the sons really dead? Also in the cast  are Olga Kuylicho, James O’Toole and Jai Courtney. “The Water Diviner” is rated R. No rating.

 

Infinitely Polar Bear (opening in select cities)—Mark Ruffalo and Zoe Saldana star in this romance comedy about a man, who is bi-polar, decides to pay more attention to his two young, energetic daughters and give his wife a break. Keir Dullea is in the cast, too. “Infinitely Polar Bear” is rated PG 13.

 

Age of Adaline—-This is a story of a woman (Blake Lively) who doesn’t age. Fifty-plus years go by and she looks the same. One  person knows her secret, her aging daughter. Enter romance, and what to do? Also in the cast are Kathy Baker, Amanda Crew, Ellen Burstyn and Harrison Ford. “Age of Adaline” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for this interesting story.

 

MAY 01, 2015…

 

Avengers: Age of Ultron has just about every Marvel comic book hero who can hold a script in it. Enjoy.

 

She’s Funny That Way is brave to go against “Avengers: Ultron” this week. “She’s Funny…” is a comedy about a stage star and the people in her life. Stars Imogen Poots and Owen Wilson.

 

# # # # #

 

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.