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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Hello and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW); or, as it’s known in France, “Le Fiasco du Jour.”
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“The ballot box is the surest arbiter of disputes among freemen.” – James Buchanan
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: To believe in the one he has sent.” — John 6:29
Since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities — his eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. — Romans 1:20
But godliness with contentment is great gain. — 1 Timothy 6:6
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment. — Proverbs 10:21
Thought: I have several friends who are very wise in the way they speak. When they do speak up, everyone listens attentively because their words are always wise, well-timed, and worthwhile. Their righteous lives and careful use of words blesses and nourishes all who listen. There are others, however, that are constantly talking about everything and spending little or no time practicing what they preach. Their words are discounted as nothing more than their own desire to hear their own opinions about matters on which they know nothing.
Prayer: Holy and wise God, please give me wisdom and self-control to keep my mouth shut unless what I say can benefit those to whom I’m speaking. Help my words be helpful and true. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Proverbs 4:25 NIV = Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – APRIL 24, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 243 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
This is NATIONAL CRIME VICTIMS WEEK. ***Imagine that, crime victims get a whole week, while criminals celebrate their rights all year round. Isn’t that special?
This is ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS WEEK, which used to be called National Secretaries Week. ***You ever notice how your boss always gives you a snazzier title rather than give you a raise in pay? Looks like they’ve done it to secretaries again! You don’t get a day off this week… and you don’t get a raise or any special gifts… they’ve just renamed the week to make you feel better about your job. (Of course, if you’re a boss – this is the perfect day to show your appreciation to your administrative professionals!)
Today is HULK DAY. On this day in 1962, MARVEL Comics published the first issue of a new comic book, The Incredible Hulk. ***It’s not easy being green. In fact, The Incredible Hulk wasn’t supposed to be. Originally the Hulk was gray. But a temporary shortage of black ink forced them to switch to a different color – green, and the rest is Hulk history. Ironically, the Hulk made a lot more green once he turned green, not so much green when he was gray, and now he’s in the black.
It’s NATIONAL ZUCCHINI BREAD DAY. ***And a happy day it is for that one person in town that likes it.
Today is NATIONAL DISC JOCKEY DAY. ***Yes! Finally… recognition!!! Do you think it’s easy coming up with something stupid to say every three minutes?!?! Nothing really changes today though, I’ll still be irresponsible and make dumb comments on the air, it’s just that this one day out of the entire year I can claim I’m doing it intentionally.
Today is DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD DAY. The guillotine was first used in France on this day in 1792. ***And it happens to be Disc Jockey Day too? I don’t know if there’s a correlation there or not, but that’s really creepy.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary’s Day
East Meets West Day (aka Elbe Day)
Hairstylists Appreciation Day
Hug A Plumber Day or Plumbers Day
International Guide Dogs Day
International Marconi Day
International Noise Awareness Day
License Plates Day
National Mani-pedi Day
Malaria Awareness Day
Parental Alienation Day
Red Hat Society Day
World Penguin Day
National Golf Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
THURSDAY, APRIL 26
International Girls in Information and Telecommunication Technologies Day
Hug An Australian Day
Lesbian Visibility Day
National Help A Horse Day
National Kids and Pets Day
National Pretzel Day
Poem In Your Pocket Day
Richter Scale Day
Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
World Intellectual Property Day
FRIDAY, APRIL 27
Babe Ruth Day
Day of Dialogue
Mantanzas Mule Day
Morse Code Day
National Day of Silence
National Devil Dog Cakes Day
National Little Pampered Dog Day
National Hairball Awareness Day
Undiagnosed Children’s Awareness Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 28
Biological Clock Day
Brave Hearts Day
International Table Top Day
International Sculpture Day
Bob Wills Day
Eeyore’s Birthday Day
National Dance Day
National Go Birding Day
National Herb Day
National Pool Opening Day
National Prepare-A-Thon Day
National Rebuilding Day
National Sense of Smell Day
National Superhero Day
National Take Back Day
Save The Frogs Day
Workers Memorial Day
World Day for Safety and Health at Work
World Healing Day
World Tai Chi & Qigong Day
World Veterinary Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 29
Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare
International Dance Day
Mother, Father Deaf Day
National Pet Parent’s Day
“Peace” Rose Day
Pinhole Photography Day
World Wish Day
MONDAY, APRIL 30
Adopt A Shelter Pet Day
Animal Advocacy Day
Bugs Bunny Day
Day of Vesak
Kiss of Hope Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Bubble Tea Day
National Honesty Day
National Military Brats Day
National Prepareathon Day
Spank Out Day – USA
TUESDAY, MAY 01
Batman Day (Also in September)
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
Executive Coaching Day
Foster Care Day
Global Love Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Workers Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
May One Day
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
World Asthma Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 02
Great American Grump Out
Life Insurance Day
National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy
National (Deaf) Interpreter Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
World Tuna Day
ON THIS DAY
1868: America’s first unemployment office opened in California. ***Today, people who sit around doing nothing while others work are called “managers.”
1901: New York became the first U.S. state to require auto license plates. They were inscribed with the owner’s initials. The fee was $1.00.
1928: The first guide dog was trained to help a blind owner. Buddy, a German Shepherd, became the companion of Morris Frank.
1943: Pitching for Buffalo in the International Baseball League, Rufus Gentry tied a record, originally set in 1916, by winning an 11-inning no-hitter. Buffalo defeated Newark 1-0.
1950: In the NBA draft, the Boston Celtics used their second-round pick to select Chuck Cooper of Duquesne. That fall, Cooper would become the first African-American to play in the NBA.
1968: The Beatles refused to perform for the Queen of England at a British Olympic Appeal Fund show. Their explanation, “We don’t do benefits.”
1982: Jane Fonda released her first workout video.
1985: “Big River: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” opened on Broadway. The score was written by country composer Roger Miller.
1988: Sonny Bono was elected mayor of Palm Springs, California. In 1994 he was elected to Congress. He died in a skiing accident in 1997.
1988: Whitney Houston released her second album, “Whitney,” which included a duet with her mother Cissy. The solo “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” became Whitney’s seventh #1 single in a row.
1990: Drummer Mitch Mitchell sold the late Jimi Hendricks’ Fender Stratocaster guitar to an undisclosed buyer in London for $338,580. It’s the guitar Jimi used to play the “Star Spangled Banner” at Woodstock.
1990: The Hubble space telescope was launched and a few days later they found out the pictures it sent back were blurry. ***What did they expect? The darned thing is moving thousands of miles per hour… when is the last time you took a clear picture while running with your Kodak camera?
1991: Britain’s Broadcasting Standards Council proclaimed that the cult TV soap opera ‘Twin Peaks” was in bad taste, and that an episode depicting a man being beaten to death went “beyond all acceptable limits.” (audio clip)
1999: Troy Cooper of Columbia, South Carolina, said he’d been offered $100-thousand and two Buicks for his 1981 Toyota Corolla, but he wasn’t about to sell it. The car was covered with trinkets: earrings, fishing lures, beads, marbles — 33,000 doodads stuck on with ceramic tile glue. Friends gave him most of the trinkets.
2003: Southwest Airlines fired two pilots for “inappropriate conduct” after they removed all or most of their clothes mid-flight in the cockpit of a Boeing 737. The pilots claimed they spilled coffee on their clothes, but the airline ruled the prank went too far. The US Federal Aviation Administration said though rules forbid behavior that distracts crew members, there was no specific ban on flying naked.
2003: Georgia lawmakers voted to take the Dixie cross from the state’s flag.
2004: Cosmetics queen Estee Lauder died in New York at age 97.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1214: Louis IX, king of France and saint, is born. Leader of the Seventh and Eighth Crusades (he died on the latter), he was known for his humility: he wore hair shirts and visited hospitals—where he emptied the bedpans.
1599: Oliver Cromwell, the Puritan lord protector of England, is born near Cambridge. As lord protector he sought to allow more freedom of religion.
1800: Death of William Cowper, a depressive poet and hymn writer. He is remembered for his friendship with ex-slaver John Newton and for his hymn “There Is a Fountain Filled With Blood.”
1841: The Roman Catholic missionary Pierre Chanel dies a martyr on Tonga where he had come despite strong Protestant resistence. He began work on an island unreached by Protestants.
1887: Radio evangelist Charles E. Fuller, known for his “Old Fashioned Revival Hour” and for co-founding Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, California, is born in Los Angeles.
1911: A rare Gutenberg Bible sells for $50,000, the equivalent of at least $500,000 today.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
Actress (Bridget Jones movies, Chicago, Cold Mountain) Renee Zellweger, 49
Actor (Huff, Dodgeball, Nobody’s Perfect, Nat Ostertag on “Mad About You,” voice actor for “The Simpsons”) Hank Azaria, 54 (audio clip)
Actress (The Godfather, Rocky) Talia Shire, 72
Actor (Any Given Sunday, Insomnia, Dog Day Afternoon, The Recruit, The Devil’s Advocate, Heat, Scent of a Woman) Al Pacino, 78
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1918 : Ella Fitzgerald
1923 : Albert King
1923 : Jerry Leiber
1925 : Prentiss Barnes (The Moonglows)
1932 : Willis “Gator” Jackson
1944 : Michael Kogel (Los Bravos)
1945 : Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA)
1945 : Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival)
1946 : Ronnie Gilbert (Blues Magoos)
1949 : Michael Brown (The Left Banke)
1950 : Steve Ferrone (Average White Band)
1955 : David Sikes (Boston, Giuffria)
1964 : Andy Bell (Erasure)
1965 : Eric Avery (Jane’s Addiction)
1977 : Matthew West
1980 : Jacob Underwood (O-Town)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why give Ladybugs such a benign name?
Let’s face it: Creepy crawly things and flying, many-legged creatures will win few popularity contests. We don’t have too many affectionate names for bugs. All the more reason why Ladybugs–in Britain they’re “Ladybirds”–sound like a creation of the Disney studios. Who can step on something with a name like that? How did these beetles, for that’s what they are, get away with it? Simple. They eat other insects that eat plants. Plant loving people were so grateful that they not only gave them a warm, friendly name, but also in fact named them in honor of the Virgin Mary, as in “Our Lady!” How’s that for a good press? There’s only one problem. Some Ladybugs like a salad before the main course. They, too, will eat plants. But I won’t tell if you won’t.
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Before he ran for office, Donald Trump made millions of dollars by selling his name to be stamped on other people’s products. There was Trump deodorant, Trump ties, Trump steaks, Trump underwear, Trump furniture. And, at one time, believe it or not, there was even a Trump-branded urine test. ***Obviously the Donald ain’t all that worried about his image.
A new study says that very unattractive people tend to earn more money. ***I must admit, things have been financially more lucrative since I grew the beard.
The Bill Cosby trial is in its 3rd week. ***And we’ve still not seen the same sweater twice.
A quarter of Americans surveyed could not correctly answer that the Earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around, according to a recent report from the National Science Foundation. To the question “Does the Earth go around the Sun, or does the Sun go around the Earth,” 26 percent of those surveyed answered incorrectly. ***It’s ironic that those we would label as space cadets know the least about our solar system.
Verne Troyer, best known as Mini-Me from the Austin Powers movies, died over the weekend at the age of 49. ***Family members are planning a small funeral.
According to German researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Cognitive and Brain Sciences, just observing another person in a stressful situation is enough to make our own bodies to experience “emphatic stress” when we release the stress hormone cortisol. ***Which might explain why I stopped watching “24”.
Nicolas Cage says he will only act for three or four more years. ***Which is about ten years too many.
“Living Biblically” has been cancelled by CBS after eight shows. ***Making fun of Christianity backfired – which a majority of America professes to be Christian? Who’d a thunk it?
“Smallville” actress Allison Mack was arrested for her role in an alleged sex cult. ***I will now pause a moment as every red-blooded man in America does a quick Google search for Allison Mack. You know you’re doing it – don’t lie to me.
The Rock and his girlfriend welcomed baby daughter Tiana Gia Johnson into the world on Monday. ***Dwayne says he can’t wait to play the tooth fairy again.
James Cameron is blasting superhero films, saying, “Enough already!” ***This, from the guy working on Avatar 2, 3, 4, and 5 and yet another Terminator movie.
Steph Curry has signed a multi-million-dollar movie and TV deal with Sony. ***Because we’ve had such a stunning track record with basketball players turned actors so far. Space Jam anyone? Or Kazaam?
Sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region. Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey. ***I may have left the Catholic church a bit too early.
More facial recognition equipment had been installed in public toilets in China. Each person scanning their face receives 15 inches of toilet paper from a dispenser. The idea is to stop each user from taking too much TP — and crack down on theft of paper. Sensors in toilet cubicles will also issue an alert to an attendant if somebody has been inside for more than 10 minutes. ***Ten minutes? That’s not nearly enough time to finish a game of Fortnite in the bathroom!!!!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
British Columbia is now using camera-equipped garbage trucks to film what gets dumped in order to make sure people are recycling properly. ***Not only will you get caught dumping a body, but you might get fined for placing it in the wrong garbage bin.
A recent report shows that America will have a shortage of 52,000 doctors by 2025. ***The good news is they expect no shortage of bureaucrats telling the remaining doctors how to run their practices.
In Japan a recent survey found that 37 wildlife display facilities have removed any creatures who’s popular names such as “dwarf penguin” or “blind eel” might be considered “discriminatory.” ***Discriminatory to who – the animals? Are the animals complaining? If so, forget the whole “discriminatory to animals” thing… you’ve got talking animals!
A recent study shows that babies sometimes fake-cry just to get attention. ***When adults do it, it’s mostly to boost ratings on a reality TV show.
The Geneva, Switzerland’s Ethics Committee on non-human Gene Technology has issued a report on the “dignity of the creature in the plant world,” and declared that plants deserve respect and that killing them arbitrarily – for instance, decapitating them without a reason – is morally wrong. However, they didn’t object to genetic engineering of plants, since it didn’t interfere with their autonomy or ability to reproduce. And they ruled that certain cruel acts that kill plants are okay, such as using plants to save human life, or even “the simple pleasure of picking the petals off a daisy might suffice as a reason.” ***But it’s the death penalty for anyone caught mowing a lawn!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, the animals were tired of running scared from the giant gorilla – but when they stopped and tried to be friends, the gorilla captured Millard again! Fortunately, they stomped on the gorilla’s foot and he let Millard go – but now what do they do?
CLOSE: Ah… the animals are finally moving in a positive direction! Praying… why didn’t I think of that? Will prayer be the answer to the problem? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Some people just refuse to believe that the Civil War is over.
When Newton Station, PA, security guard Curtis Stony showed up for work with two Confederate flag stickers on his pickup and another on his lunch pail, his supervisors told him the plant did not allow Confederate symbols because they might offend other workers. Storey refused to remove them and lost his job. He sued, arguing that his ex-employer had discriminated against him based on his national origin, which he identified as Confederate Southern American. He also argued that the flag is a protected religious symbol. A federal court ruled against him on both counts.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE FROM TEXAS
10. A ten-gallon hat just ain’t big enough–yours is 25 gallons.
9. You once knocked a man out for saying that he didn’t like steak.
8. You have never heard of the term “recycle”, trash is trash, ya’ll!
7. As far as you’re concerned, a “foreigner” is anyone who wasn’t born in Texas.
6. You won’t buy a shirt unless it has shiny mother-of-pearl buttons, and a piece of rope sewed to it somewhere.
5. At your wedding, you wore boots with your tuxedo.
4. Your belt buckle costs more than your truck.
3. You get claustrophobic while visiting Rhode Island.
2. What you call “a decent steak” other people refer to as “three cows”.
1. You have both a casual and a formal belt buckle.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
First there was “road rage.” Then came “air rage” and all sorts of other kinds of rages. Well, now we’re going to have to deal with “leaf rage.”
FILE #1: According to cops, a senior citizen homeowner went berserk after city workers refused to haul off leaves he piled on a right-of-way. “He grabbed my jacket and said: ‘You’re not going anywhere,'” says one of the workers. Adding, “The guy was spitting and swearing.” Michael Aeters, 67, of North Stamford, Connecticut, got all shook up when workers told him they only pick up leaves piled on the street. He was charged with breach of the peace, a misdemeanor. “Things build up and I went berserk,” says Peters. “All I am trying to do is get a service that’s being offered to all my neighbors.”
FILE #2: Two New York City police officers gave 60-year-old Yvette Bavier a ticket for littering after they saw her throwing birdseed on the ground during her lunch break. Thankfully, the streets are now safe from her reckless bird feeding.
FILE #3: A Medford, Oregon man stuffed a $42 bottle of Calvin Klein perfume down his pants and headed for the store’s front door. Of course, it was all on video camera and security caught up with him just as he was jumping into the frigid waters of a nearby creek and running into an open field … right on the training grounds of the Medford police K-9 units. The dogs had no problem keeping up with the scent of both the man or the Calvin Klein perfume.
STRANGE LAW: In Indiana it is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
A Head Start teacher in Nashville was surprised when a 4-year-old brought a baggie of marijuana with him to preschool.
The youngster said it came from his mother, Yolanda Burns. Burns arrived at the school and was questioned by detectives. She told police she would test positive if given a drug test and admitted to using the illegal drug earlier, but she denied either giving it to her son or letting him have access to it. She’s been charged with child abuse. ***MARLAR: She says she didn’t allow her son access to it? He accessed it – that’s how this became a public story in the first place! Apparently it alters your sense of reality.
When watching television, have you ever noticed the bellies of people they show when they have a story about fat people? You can’t see their heads, just the stomachs. And when they’re talking about smoking, they show the most ugly gross people smoking they can find – like they purposely picked yucky people and not one halfway decent looking person to make you hate smokers. If they were going to use YOU for file footage in a news story, what would they use you for?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What famous rabbi was Paul’s teacher?
ANSWER: Gamaliel (Acts 22:3)
QUESTION: What popular automobile was discontinued in 1978 but brought back to market with much publicity and fanfare in 1998?
ANSWER: Volkswagen Beetle
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Buckingham Palace has more than 600 rooms. (True!)
2. The production number assigned to The Wizard of Oz by MGM was 13. (False – it was 1060)
3. Twinkies are 68 percent air. (True)
4. Alaska could hold the 21 smallest states. (True)
5. There are 24 flowers on each Oreo cookie. (True)
6. Americans eat 12 million bananas each year. (False – try 12 BILLION!)
7. The black lines on a basketball are called the “chords”. (False – “channels”)
8. The average bank robbery yields just $4,400 for the criminal. (True)
9. When McDonald’s opened its first restaurant in Kuwait in 1994, the drive-through line was seven miles long. (True)
10. Shaggy from Scooby-Doo’s real name is Norville Rogers. (True. His home address is 224 Maple Street, Coolsville.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
ED ANGER SAYS: EARTH DAY IS FOR __________ (LOSERS)
Time was, Earth Day was just for dirty crazy hippies. You could stay away from it if you just figured out where the bad smell was coming from, then went the other way.
But now Earth Day is run by big corporations and politicians and millionaires, who want you to buy their soap that doesn’t clean stuff at twice the price, and those curly light bulbs with the poison inside them.
If I want a toilet that doesn’t flush, I’ll go back to using an outhouse – and that’s not gonna happen!
Why do the same people who want to fix the environment want to hand out free condoms at the same time – isn’t rubber bad for Planet Earth? I guess it’s ok because rubber comes from trees. They like everything “natural” – unless it’s tobacco!
I can’t keep track of all this crap. Especially the thing about passing laws against cow farts. You know what’s coming? A law against breathing! These jerks love the Earth – it’s people they hate. They say we’re overpopulated, so why don’t they kill themselves. Then we’d all be happy!
I don’t see the point of saving the polar bears anyhow. They don’t do cute tricks like seals do. If we could train them to kill terrorists or patrol the border, that would be something useful, but otherwise they just lay around getting their pictures taken.
This Earth Day, the closest I want to get to nature is the pine tree air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror of my big old truck!
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country.
Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby and said, “Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today.”
After a few minutes, Shelby return to her Dad and handed him the map, correctly fitted and taped together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. “Oh,” she said, “on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together.”
Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros for his new movie, they are Arnold Schwarzenneger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone. Pitching his movie he says, “This is gonna be an action flick with a twist…all three leads will be famous musical composers.”
After some thought all three stars agree it’s a new concept for an action flick and decide to get involved. In turn, Scorscese asks each star who they would like to play.
Bruce Willis pipes up first with “I’ve always wanted to play Mozart…”
“Great, great!”, enthuses Scorscese, “What about you, Sly?”
Stallone thinks awhile and then says,”I’ve always liked Burt Baccarach’s music, I’ll be him.”
“Wonderful, wonderful, Sly”, says Scorscese and, turning to Schwarzenneger he says “And how about you, Arnie?”
Arnold thinks for a while and after some eye rolling and tutting turns to Scorscese and says…. “I’ll be Bach.”
It takes United States taxpayers a total of 6.1 billion hours a year to file their taxes. ***Yep. Certainly felt like it.
For almost a century in many parts of the United States people have referred to carbonated beverages as “pop” because of the sound you hear when you open the can or bottle. Back in the 1930s many grocery stores had a comic sign in their window that had some fun with the word: “We don’t know where mom is, but we have Pop on ice.” (True!)
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee’s pay.
She said, “My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month’s sick leave AND they paid the full premiums.”
“I can’t help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits,” the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, “The company went bankrupt.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
A Wisconsin high school student has been sentenced to probation for baking hair in a cake and serving it to teachers. John Smith (yes, his REAL NAME) shaved his body hair, baked it in the cake and brought it to school for his class. But, when he couldn’t serve it in class, he brought it to the teacher’s lounge. After it was half eaten, school officials discovered hair throughout the cake. ***MARLAR: He only received probation though, because it took so long to tell the difference between the cake and the deserts normally served in the school cafeteria.
GARDENING GOD’S WAY
Plant three rows of peas:
Peace of mind
Peace of heart
Peace of soul
Plant four rows of squash:
Plant four rows of lettuce:
Lettuce be faithful
Lettuce be kind
Lettuce be obedient
Lettuce really love one another
No garden without turnips:
Turnip for meetings
Turnip for service
Turnip to help one another
Water freely with patience and cultivate love. There is much fruit for your garden Because you reap what you sow.
To conclude our garden
We must have thyme:
Thyme for God
Thyme for study
Thyme for prayer
Thyme for each other
Thyme for friends
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
LIFE IS REAL
Paul Van Gorder
Read: Psalm 56
Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. – Psalm 56:3
In the comic strip Peanuts, Lucy had just broken the news to Linus that children cannot live at home forever. Eventually they grow up and move away. Then she said that when he left she would get his room. But Linus quickly reminded her that at some time she too would have to leave home. When this realization hit Lucy, she was shocked, but she quickly came up with a solution. She turned the TV up loud, crawled into her beanbag chair with a bowl of ice cream, and refused to think about it.
Avoiding unpleasant circumstances is not as easy as Lucy thinks. Life’s realities cannot be avoided. We may try to run and hide, but struggles and trials have a way of dogging our footsteps and eventually catching up with us.
Instead, we should face up to our problems. The psalmist David did this when beset by persistent foes and false friends. He didn’t try to minimize his danger; he acknowledged the storm that was raging around him and looked to the Lord. He wrote, “In God I have put my trust” (Psalm 56:4).
Let’s follow David’s example—not Lucy’s. Facing up to life’s difficulties may be a frightening experience. But when we trust God and draw close to Him, we’ll experience real deliverance.
Whatever life may bring your way
Each hour of every passing day,
Throughout the months and long years too,
The Lord in heaven will care for you. —Anon.
When troubles call on you, call on God.
This is disturbing. A 16-year-old boy from Montville Township, Ohio, is being investigated after charges that he cooked and served a couple of animals he reportedly picked up at a pet store.
His High School Principal Beto Gage said the boy intended to prepare a meal of wild game for fellow students in his Living Skills class, which is similar to home economics. However, according to the Humane Society, the boy purchased a rabbit and guinea pig from a pet store, killed them at some point, and then brought them into the class, where they were cooked and eaten. Ironically, there may be nothing to charge him with. Ohio State law forbids needless killing or committing an act of cruelty against an animal but the argument police are facing is, “If you’re going to eat it, is it needless?” ***MARLAR: In the meantime the Humane Society is crying murder, the cops are scratching their heads, the boy’s class is probably throwing up and he’s just standing around wondering if this means he won’t get an A.
LIFE… LIVE IT
LAY OFF THE SOY SAUCE – IT CAUSES CANCER!
If the MSG doesn’t get you, the soy sauce might. Australian scientists are warning that a chemical found in many common foods, including soy sauce, is “probably” cancer causing. It’s called ethyl carbamate, or ECB, and it can occur naturally in foods like breads, yogurt and alcohol that undergoes fermentation during processing or storage. The International Agency for Research on Cancer upgraded the risk from “possible” to “probable.”
JUST FOR FUN
Think you’ve got a bad job? Check out some of the jobs Express Personnel Services say they have hired temporary workers to do:
Wipe blood and spit off of Plexiglas at hockey games for minimum wage.
Chase deer off an airport runway for minimum wage.
Pour thousands of cans of rancid beverages down a drain for minimum wage.
And finally, a company in Redmond, Washington, actually hired three temps for minimum wage to look busy and professional to make visitors think it had a larger staff.
Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. –Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. –Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. –Tussman’s Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. –Lowery’s Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem. –Peer’s Law
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. –Ehrlich’s Law
Thinly sliced cabbage. –Cole’s Law
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Breakfast is a meal that you should make absolutely sure that you eat, and it should be your BIGGEST meal of the day!
… Bizarrely some experts recommend that in an ideal world you would have your largest meal in the morning then reduce the size of them through the day. However this is not how we seem to be trained to eat and very few of us have a large enough appetite in the morning for a main meal, or indeed the time to eat it before heading off to work! However you should ensure that you do have a breakfast and ideally one with lots of protein – from things like eggs, or fish or lean meat.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
People are amazingly accurate at correctly matching strangers’ names to their faces — far better than simple chance would allow. And researchers from The Hebrew University of Jerusalem suggest this may have something to do with the cultural stereotypes we attach to names. This manifestation of the name in a face might be due to people subconsciously altering their appearance to conform to cultural norms and cues associated with their names, according to Israeli researcher Yonat Zwebner. “We are familiar with such a process from other stereotypes, like ethnicity and gender where sometimes the stereotypical expectations of others affect who we become,” said Zwebner. “Prior research has shown there are cultural stereotypes attached to names, including how someone should look. For instance, people are more likely to imagine a person named Bob to have a rounder face than a person named Tim. We believe these stereotypes can, over time, affect people’s facial appearance.” Co-author Ruth Mayo said, “We are subject to social structuring from the minute we are born, not only by gender, ethnicity and socioeconomic status, but by the simple choice others make in giving us our name.”
There’s been a lot of talk about purchasing products made in the U.S. But, apparently, when 1.3 billion Chinese sit down to eat, many are using chopsticks made in America. The 17,000 resident town of Americus, Georgia, is home to Georgia Chopsticks, which produces 2 million of the wooden utensils a day and is tooling up to make 10 million. It turns out America is surrounded by forests of poplar and sweet gum trees, which grow like weeds in the area two hours south of Atlanta. They are also perfect for making disposable chopsticks because they have just the right balance of hardness and softness since harder woods dull the blades on the chopstick manufacturing machines. ***So you can still eat Chinese food and buy American!
You are in your favorite chair watching television. And then your stomach starts rumbling. Popcorn sounds good. Or a bowl of ice cream. How about those chips? Are they calling your name? It’s a late-night snack attack! If you love your late-night bowl of ice cream and have tried to give up but failed, this is why. (P.S. It’s not your fault!) The problem with eating snacks while watching TV is that we pay more attention to the TV than we do to what — or how much — we’re eating. That means it’s way too easy to overeat and not even realize it. In other words, when we are distracted, we eat more. This isn’t news. What could be news, however, is Dutch researchers from Wageningen University have figured out a way for folks to eat less while watching TV. The solution is very simple: Just take smaller bites. After we begin eating, it takes about 20 minutes to feel full. That’s a lot of time to eat more food than we really need. But by taking smaller bites, it is possible to reduce the amount of food consumed in that critical 20-minute period, so when we do feel full, we have actually eaten less.
The very thing that’s slowly robbing us of our sight is the one thing we can’t seem to turn away from. Not only do our eyes help us view and understand the world around us, they’re fundamental to our most intense human experiences. Small wonder, then, that in a recent study, most people said they would rather forfeit a limb or their memory even contract a potentially deadly disease than lose their sight. But our vision is being jeopardized, and, ironically, at our own hands. The culprit is our addiction to digital devices. Cases of myopia, or nearsightedness which is linked to sight-stealing conditions like macular degeneration are skyrocketing. “At the turn of the century, only 1 to 2 percent of the population had myopia. Now we have rates nearly 50 percent,” says Jim Stringham, Ph.D., a neuroscientist at the University of Georgia in Athens who studies ocular health. “And it’s primarily to the hours we spend glued to a screen. For the average woman, that’s 10 hours a day. But studies show that just two hours gives you a 90 percent chance of developing computer vision syndrome (CVS) also called Digital Eyestrain, which can present as a cluster of issues, including blurry vision and dry eyes, because we blink 66 less when we’re staring at our screens, as well as upper body pain and headaches. Nearly 61 percent of adults experience CVS.
If you’re in your 40s, you should be sleeping between seven and nine hours every night, but the chances are fairly good that you don’t. How much sleep we need so we function at the top of our game varies by age. Obviously, a toddler needs more sleep than his 30-something parents. But how much more? The National Sleep Foundation tapped the wisdom of six sleep experts, as well as 12 experts from several medical associations, including the American Neurological Association, American Academy of Pediatrics and American Physiological Society, to update its guidelines on how much sleep we need based on our age.
This is how much sleep we need by age:
Newborn (0-3 months): 14-17 hours (previously: 12-18 hours)
Infant (4-11 months): 12-15 hours (previously: 14-15 hours)
Toddler (1-2 years): 11-14 hours (previously: 12-14 hours)
Preschool (3-5 years): 10-13 hours (previously: 11-13 hours)
School age (6-13 years): 9-11 hours (previously: 10-11 hours)
Teen (14-17 years): 8-10 hours (previously: 8.5-9.5 hours)
Young adult (18-25 years): 7-9 hours (new category)
Adult (26-64 years): 7-9 hours (no change)
Older adult (65+ years): 7-8 hours (new category)
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
7-year-old Madden Humphreys is not the same as most boys. In addition to being born with a cleft lip, the youngster has heterochromia iridum: a rare condition that means that both of his irises are different colors. Since only about 1% of the population is diagnosed with the condition, Madden’s eyes and lip makes him an exceptionally unique boy indeed. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it that way – Madden is often bullied by other kids at his school in Oklahoma. In fact, the youngster made internet headlines last year for the anti-bullying video that he published with his mom Christina. Thanks to some internet magic, however, Madden now has a friend who deserves the same love that he does. Christina told Love What Matters this month that someone published a photo of a rescue cat to a Facebook group of moms with cleft lip kids. Not only did the cat have a cleft lip, but it also had the same eye condition as Madden. “We knew immediately that this kitty was meant to be part of our family,” says Christina. “They were destined to be best friends.” (Read the whole story at https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/bullied-boy-finds-beauty-in-himself-after-adopting-cat-with-the-same-2-rare-conditions-as-him/)
(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
If your kid is attending Pentucket Workshop Preschool in Georgetown, Massachusetts, he or she better not use the term “best buddy!” Apparently it’s one of many banned words students are no longer permitted to use. Christine Hartwell says her 4-year-old daughter Julia came home unhappy after being scolded for saying “best buddy.” Hartwell says, “I think it’s ridiculous. Children who are four years old speak from their heart, so they should be able to call kids anything loving.” The school explained to the Hartwells that the term “best friend … can lead other children to feel excluded” and “ultimately lead to the formation of cliques and outsiders.” As for Julia, she seems unnerved by the whole thing: “Even now she goes to say it in a loving way – ‘I’m going to go see my best friend Charlie’ or this one or that one – and she looks at me sideways as she’s saying it and she’s checking in with me to see if that language is okay.” (WIS-TV)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 20, 2018…
Rampage-–Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is back on the screen with an early try for a spring blockbuster. In this film, Johnson is a Primatologist (no, it is not another political party) and through his life, until now, he is friends with a silver-back gorilla named George. Enter something that alters the equation, yes, the experiment gone awry, and George begins growing larger and larger, and with a bit of a temper, too. Not only that, but other creatures are becoming Godzilla-size and roaming the country. What to do? Well, The Rock can’t wrestle everything to the ground, so there are other measures, but George is special. Also, in the cast are Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Will Yun Lee, Malin Akerman, Marley Shelton and Joe Manganiello. “Rampage” is rated PG 13 for action sequences. Rating of 2 for fans.
Super Troopers 2—This group of police, namely Highway Patrol, are now sent to the border between Canada and the U.S. There is somewhat of a dispute there and a Highway Patrol Station is needed. Can anything go right? The cast includes Rob Lowe, Lynda Carter, Brian Cox and Tyler Labine. “Super Troopers 2” is rated R. No rating.
APRIL 27 2018…
Avengers: Infinity and who hasn’t been waiting for this film? Your favorite comic book characters are back in action to save the world.
Animal Crackers is an animated film about inheriting an old circus. Voices of John Krasinski and Danny DeVito.
I Feel Pretty stars Amy Schumer as a woman who suddenly thinks she is pretty.
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