April 26, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160426

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

What a great job! Plenty of snacks, good music, unlimited coffee, the hand dryer works in the men’s room…

 

I feel great today! I mean, I am emitting such powerful vibes, all young children and pregnant women please stay away from the radio.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.  — Galatians 3:28

 

If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. — Romans 10:9-10

 

The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. — Psalm 103:6

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. — 1 Peter 4:11

 

Thought: We are given gifts to use in God’s Kingdom for two reasons: 1) to bring glory to God, and, 2) to bless others. Whether we serve or speak, we are to do so with these two goals in mind, knowing that God will supply the strength to do what he has gifted us to do.

 

Prayer: Holy Father, thank you for not just saving me, but for also giving me abilities to use to bless your people and honor you. Help me see the ways you want me to use my gifts today, and every day that follows, to bless others. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Ephesians 4:26 NIV = “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – APRIL 26, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 242 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is ALL YOU CAN EAT DAY.  ***MARLAR: Whoo hoo! The cool thing about this day that I just learned is that All You Can Eat Day is on the 26th day of each and every month! I love that. And hey, it’s a holiday, you can’t just ignore it!

 

I was going to have Nicole Kidman on the show with me today, but then she heard why.  It’s HUG AN AUSTRALIAN DAY.  We can’t find her anywhere now.  I’m not sure if that should offend me or not.

 

Today is NATIONAL STATIC CLING DAY.  ***MARLAR: Today’s the day to try and rub yourself against someone else and fling yourself towards the wall to see if you’ll stick.  (Quick tip – if you use dryer sheets, and you run out, try a sheet of aluminum foil, just throw it in the dryer along with your clothes and turn it on and no more static cling. A new tennis ball will work just as well.)

 

Today is REMEMBER YOU FIRST KISS DAY.  ***MARLAR: Ah yes…. mine was a Hershey’s.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Audubon Day

Hug An Australian Day

National Help a Horse Day

National Kids and Pets Day

National Pretzel Day

Richter Scale Day

World Intellectual Property Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27

Administrative Professionals Day (Secretary’s Day)

Babe Ruth Day
International Guide Dogs Day

Mantanzas Mule Day

Morse Code Day

National Little Pampered Dog Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 28

Biological Clock Day

Brave Hearts Day

Poem In Your Pocket Day

Workers Memorial Day

World Day of Safety and Health at Work

Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 29

Arbor Day

Bats Day

International Dance Day

National Hairball Awareness Day

National Teach Your Children To Save Day

“Peace” Rose Day

World Wish Day

Zipper Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 30

Bob Wills Day

Bugs Bunny Day

International Jazz Day

International Table Top Day

National Animal Advocacy Day

National Go Birding Day

National Herb Day

National Honesty Day

National Kiss of Hope Day

National Rebuilding Day

National Sense of Smell Day

Save The Frogs Day

Spank Out Day

Walpurgis Night

World Day of Animal Laboratories

World Healing Day

World Veterinary Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 01

Amtrak Day

Batman Day

Executive Coaching Day

Global Love Day

National Infertility Survival Day

Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day

Law Day

Lei Day

Lemonade Day

Loyalty Day

Mariachi Day

May Day

Mother Goose Day

Motorcycle mass & Blessing of the Bikes Day

National Bubba Day

National Purebred Dog Day

New Homeowner’s Day

Rural Life Sunday

School Principals Day

Silver Star Day

Stepmothers’ Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 02

National Library Legislative Day

Roberts Rule of Order Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 03

Melanoma Monday

Garden Meditation Day

Hug Your Cat Day

Lumpy Rug Day

National Special-abled Pets Day

National Two Different Colored Shoes Day

Paranormal Day

Public Radio Day

World Asthma Day

World Press Freedom Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 04

Childhood Depression Awareness Day

National Life Insurance Day

Holocaust Remembrance Day

Great American Grump Out

Star Wars Day (May The Forth Be With You)

International Firefighters Day

International Respect for Chickens Day

National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy

Occupational Safety & Health Day

Petite and Proud Day

World Give Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1834: Horatio R. Palmer was born. From the American Congregational clergyman’s religious poetry came the hymn “My Faith Looks Up to Thee.”

 

1877: Minnesota stopped everything for a day of prayer, asking God to deliver them from the grasshoppers, which already had eaten Minneapolis and were hopping toward Duluth.  ***MARLAR: God must have been listening, because Minnesota is fine now.  Of course, nowadays you’d have the ACLU on your back for asking people to pray, and then PETA would show up to protect the bugs.

 

1921: Radio Station WEW in St. Louis broadcast the first U.S. government weather forecast. And every day since, the U.S. Weather Service has been issuing weather forecasts. ***MARLAR: And they’re gonna keep doing it until they get one right.

 

1931: Chattanooga signed the first female pro baseball player. Southpaw Jackie Mitchell didn’t make it to the major leagues, but she did once strike out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig in an exhibition game. ***MARLAR: She had to quit though because she could never figure out how to spit.

 

1937: The afternoon comedy soap “Lorenzo Jones” premiered on NBC radio. And we must not forget his devoted wife Belle. The daily show lasted until 1955.

 

1961:  New York Yankee Roger Maris hit the first of a then-record 61 home runs in a single season.

 

1964: The Boston Celtics won their sixth straight NBA title. They would win two more before the streak came to an end.

 

1964: The Beatles attended the 28th birthday party for singer Roy Orbison.

 

1975: B.J. Thomas scored with the longest song title to hit #1 on Billboard’s pop music chart: “(Hey Won’t You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song.” It stayed #1 for one week.

 

1979: At the close of his show at Carnegie Hall, comic Andy Kaufman invited the audience of 2,800 to board buses to the Manhattan School of Printing’s cafeteria for free cookies and milk.

 

1988: “China Beach,” a drama set during the Vietnam War, debuted on ABC-TV. The cast included Dana Delany, Marg Helgenberger, Concetta Tomei, Chloe Webb, Robert Picardo, Jeff Kober, Nad Vaughn, Megan Gallager, Michael Boatman, and Ricki Lake.

 

1989: At New York City’s Four Seasons restaurant, wine merchant William Sokolin accidentally bumped a table with a bottle of wine and broke it. It was a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux which once belonged to Thomas Jefferson and was valued at $519,750.

 

1990: The 24-carat diamond that Marilyn Monroe wore in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” sold for $297,000 at a Christie’s auction in New York City.

 

1993: Conan O’Brien was named to succeed David Letterman as host of NBC’s “Late Night” program.

 

1996: A 4-day New York auction of possessions of Jackie Kennedy Onassis raked in $34.5-million.

 

1998: Police in Peru arrested a man at Lima International Airport trying to smuggle a thousand butterflies out of the country. Butterfly smuggling is punishable in Peru by up to three years in prison. ***MARLAR: “Let’s see, a knife, a gun, an explosive in your shoe… okay you’re free to board the plane sir. Whoa! Wait a minute! What’s this? A Monarch butterfly?  SECURITY!!!”

 

2003: The Russian Space Agency announced that stamp collectors could have a letter posted to them from space for a cool $20,000. The price was high because it cost up to $80,000 to deliver a kilogram of cargo to and from the International Space Station. Labor costs were listed at $19,000 an hour.

 

2004: The U.S. government introduced a new colorized $50 bill, reportedly that would be harder to counterfeit than the old bill.

 

2006: President Bush appointed Fox News commentator Tony Snow as his press secretary, replacing Scott McClellan.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1521: After Charles V promises to take firmer measures against his doctrines, Luther leaves the Diet of Worms. A month later, his teachings are formally condemned

 

1877: Residents of Minnesota observe a state-wide day of prayer, asking deliverance from a plague of grasshoppers that had ruined thousands of acres of crops. The plague ended during that summer.

 

1992: Worshipers celebrate the first Russian Orthodox Easter in Moscow in 74 years.

 

1955: The Roman Catholic Television program “Life Is Worth Living” airs for the last time after a three year run. In 1952 it won an Emmy Award for its host, Bishop Fulton J. Sheen.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (D.E.B.S., The Fast And The Furious, The Faculty, “All My Children,” “As the World Turns”) Jordana Brewster 36 (audio clip)
  • actor-comedian (Hitch, “The King of Queens”) Kevin James 51 (audio clip)
  • actor-singer (“The Young & The Restless”) Michael Damian 54 (audio clip)
  • Comic/actress (“The Carol Burnett Show,” “Mama’s Family”) Carol Burnett is 83 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1886 : Ma Rainey

1915 : Johnny Shines

1915 : Jorgen Ingmann

1938 : Maurice Williams

1938 : Duane Eddy

1941 : Claudine Clark

1942 : Bobby Rydell

1943 : Gary Wright

1946 : John “Buck” Wilkins (Ronny of Ronny & the Daytonas)

1960 : Roger Taylor (Duran Duran)

1961 : Chris Mars (The Replacements)

1970 : T-Boz (TLC)

1975 : Nathan “Joey” Jordison (Slipknot)

1976 : Jose Pasillas (Incubus)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we joke about fools believing the moon is made from green cheese?

Well it would be incredibly vain to say it was made of American cheese, now wouldn’t it? Then again, there are a lot of holes… maybe it should be made of Swish cheese instead of green cheese? Actually, it’s not just green cheese by default. Did you ever stop to think, just what is “green cheese,” after all? There’s no such thing, right? Literally, that’s true. The “green” in this old proverb refers to the quality of “newness.” Specifically it described a hunk of cheese that had not yet aged, the appearance of which reminded people of what the moon looked like from afar. But only a fool thought it was really made from it.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Encouragement this week from Manny of Group 1 Crew. He posted: You ever have those days when you feel like this is it? This is the day I quit. But then you dig deep and scrounge up the smallest measure of faith and pray that God fan that flame before it goes out. If that day is today for you, I hope by the time you see this that grace found you still believing. If not let this post spark the reality that God isn’t done with you yet. Keep going!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEhVBUbQcuE/

 

Kutless member James Mead is also a student but he was struggling with that role over the weekend. James posted a selfie and said: This is the face of a guy who DOES NOT want to do his math homework anymore.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEg-Z50pdSS/

 

Being a touring Christian artist means more than just standing on stage night after night. It also includes a number of other jobs including guitar tech. Members of Mercyme posted pictures over the weekend as they did an emergency guitar rebuild using duct tape, glue, and wood clamps.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEgliKkFbSt/

 

A dream come true this week for Mac Powell. The front man for Third Day says he has wanted to play in the Alabama Theater. This week he got his chance. Third Day and Steven Curtis Chapman played on the stage in Birmingham, Alabama Thursday night.

 

Another story behind the song video is now available from Citizenway. This week the band released a video telling the story behind the song When I’m With You. They say: He’s always with us especially when we need Him most. Hear the entire story…

https://youtu.be/1O3ZOK5VHEU

 

Blanca is giving you the chance to hang out with her at one of her upcoming shows. Right now you can enter for the chance to hang out with the former member of Group 1 Crew. Enter the drawing for a special VIP Experience… http://ow.ly/4mYXuQ

 

Mercyme’s Bart Millard is spreading his wings. He posted: I had the honor to write and actually sing a duet on Gloria Gaynor’s upcoming album. And my math teacher said I wouldn’t amount to much.

 

Christian artists are responding to the new that Harriet Tubman will soon be the new face on the US $20 bill. Mandisa posted: Love that American heroine Harriet Tubman will be on the new $20! May her legacy live on in our hearts and wallets. Paul Baloche added: A courageous, inspiring example for us all.

 

From the mind of Manny of Group 1 Crew: I appreciate valleys cause they give perspective to the mountain tops. Which one of us would know warmth of we’ve never felt the cold. Or know real love without the option of hate. Choose today how you’ll view life. I welcome the valleys cause the mountain tops are in my sight.

 

Josh Wilson will play a series of living room shows. Josh announced the shows are taking place May 6 through 8. Each will be begin at 7:00pm CT and will be available online for a donation amount of your choice. The shows will feature unreleased songs from 2003 to 2007 on May 6th, Radio hits from 2008 to 2016 on May 7th, and cover songs from artists Josh toured with on May 8th. Access the three shows here:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEjzY5dBka4/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A pregnant California woman has filed a claim saying she found a bloody fingertip in a salad at an Applebee’s restaurant in Paso Robles. Cathleen Martin says she was with her husband and child at the restaurant in December and everyone ate from her Chinese chicken salad. The fingertip apparently belonged to a cook… ***…who is apparently all thumbs.  Well, was at least.

 

New research has found that binge-watching TV shows can raise the risk of chronic disease and early death. ***Poor Uncle Karl… and he only had three episodes of “Breaking Bad” left to go!

 

A new LinkedIn App is easing stress for college students. The social account for business has released a new app called LinkedIn Student. The app allows graduating job seekers to tap into the database of the social giant’s 400 million professionals. Linkedin Student provides information on companies that hire from a student’s school, recent alumni connected to job postings, and job listing in student majors. ***Wait… people still use LinkedIn?

 

A Michigan couple faces more than three months in jail and hundreds of dollars in penalties for two overdue library books. According to the Huffington Post, Catherine and Melvin Duren were arraigned last week in Lenawee County Court on a misdemeanor charge of failure to return rental property. If convicted, they could be sentenced to 93 days in jail and fined $500 for a Dr. Seuss title that’s missing and for a novel that they returned late.  ***Wow – I hope Blockbuster doesn’t figure out I still have three of their VHS tapes…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a recent survey, 1-in-5 Chicago drivers is violating the ban on using hand-held cellphones while behind the wheel.  ***MARLAR: In fact, you’re reading this on your cell phone right now, aren’t you?

 

Checked in on Facebook? Then you’re among the many being blamed for $260 million a day in lost productivity, according to a recent study.  233 million hours a month are squandered because employees are “wasting time” on social networking sites.  ***MARLAR: Of course, I would never have known this had I not read it on Facebook.

 

Time Magazine did some deep investigating and found that the McDonald’s McRib Sandwich has 70 ingredients, many of which most of us can’t pronounce.  ***MARLAR: And none are pronounced “rib”.

 

 

Researchers have figured out something most pet owners suspected: dogs and cats don’t dance, but birds do.  They say they’ve documented for the first time that some animals “dance” to a musical beat. The researchers made a series of lab and video studies, watching various animals for signs they were actually feeling the beat of music they heard.  They concluded that some parrots do boogie, and so does the occasional elephant. But there’s no sign of such musicality among dogs and cats, despite long exposure to people and music. And chimps, our closest living relatives, also appear to lack rhythm.  The findings are published by the journal Current Biology online.  ***MARLAR: Unfortunately, the only dance parrots can do is “The Bird.”

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Up-n-Over”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Steve Geyer, “McDonald’s Drive-Thru”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Nozzles the Elephant and Gruffy Bear went to the library, and Gruffy ran across a map of the jungle and discovered that his property line was larger than he though – and his property actually crossed over the main path through the jungle.  Nozzles sarcastically suggested that he build a toll booth…

 

CLOSE: Wow, sounds like this toll booth idea is working out pretty well – for Gruffy, at least.  But how long will it be before the rest of the jungle animals find a different route – or run out of money?  More of the story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 30/MAY 01

 

OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided to stop singing with her sisters – she wanted to go solo.  Then Cheetah’s band decided to leave and go solo… together.  But then they all broke up because they all wanted solos too.  And now it’s so bad that even individual guitar strings and piano keys are refusing to play together – EVERYBODY wants a spotlight of their own!

 

CLOSE: How much worse can this solo thing get?  Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Imagine being sued just because your dog barked at someone!

A Japanese pet owner has been ordered to pay $26,000 to a woman who fell and broke her leg when his dog barked at her. The court ruling claimed that the man was “negligent in training the animal”. The dog simply barked at a 71-year-old Yokohama woman, who in turn was surprised by the presence of the dog and fell – losing partial use of her leg and now needing a walking stick. She took 7 months to recover. ***MARLAR: I feel bad for the lady, but she’s suing because the dog barked… something natural for the dog. Dogs bark, that’s what they do. That’s how they communicate. She’s suing because the dog said something! What if the dog was saying “Hey, look out or you might fall and break your leg!?”

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SPRING CLEANING TIPS FOR MEN

 

  1. Just because something is fuzzy and the kids don’t pet it, doesn’t mean you should throw it out!–Wait for it to start moving, then kill it, and throw it out!

 

  1. Remove all your old, ratty, FAVORITE shirts from the closet and hide them until your wife has done her spring cleaning, then put them back!

 

  1. Washing and waxing your car IN THE GARAGE isn’t technically considered house cleaning!

 

  1. Buying your wife a self-cleaning oven for Mother’s Day is a nice gesture, but it shouldn’t be considered your share of house cleaning for the next year!

 

  1. Just because the dog doesn’t die when drinking from the toilet isn’t an indication that the bathroom is clean enough!

 

  1. Contrary to popular male opinion, using car parts as accent pieces in the living room is ALWAYS a fashion faux pas!

 

  1. Posting a “Do Not Touch, Experiment In Progress” sign on the refrigerator door isn’t an acceptable compromise to cleaning the fridge.

 

  1. Naming and issuing birth certificates for each dust bunny, in hopes of cashing in on some future novelty item business windfall, isn’t being particularly realistic!

 

  1. Most people overlook the sanitizing benefits of flame throwers. Using flame retardant paint on your walls and furniture makes using one of these “crispy cleaners” both fun, and effective!

 

  1. Start with the most important place first–your heart! Be like David and pray: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10,NIV)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Smelling of pot didn’t help one man’s effort to get a gun permit.

 

FILE #1: Deputies at North Carolina’s Caldwell County Sheriff’s Office report Dennis Lee Vines Junior reeked of marijuana when he came in to apply for a gun permit. Officials called a canine team. Deputies say they found two small bags of pot, two joints and two packs of rolling papers in the man’s pickup truck, which was in the sheriff’s office parking lot.  Vines was busted for possession.

 

FILE #2: There’s been some horsing around in a bank in Germany. Police say a man identified only as Wolfgang H. and his horse spent the other night in the heated foyer of a bank southwest of Berlin. Wolfgang admits he had been drinking and decided to sleep it off. Since there was no hitching post outside, Wolfgang brought his horse Sammy inside with him. They were discovered by a bank customer who wanted to use the cash machine. Police say they’re not charging Wolfgang. But he could have some cleaning up to do. Let’s just say Sammy left his mark on the bank’s carpet.

 

FILE #3: A Scottish man carried on incessantly over his girlfriend’s driving, took over the wheel and promptly crashed the car. That earned him a $500 fine since he wasn’t even qualified to drive, let alone complain about someone else’s driving.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Alaska, it is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. ***MARLAR: Particularly an offense to the moose, I’d think.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Ever had a splitting headache where it felt as if nails were being driven into your skull?  Next time, you might check to see if there are, perhaps, actual nails protruding from your skull. 

An Oregon man suffering from a terrible headache went to a hospital for an examination. Turns out he had something stuck in his head. Actually, 12 things. Actually, 12 nails. And he had put them there himself. The man at first told doctors he had had a “nail gun accident.” It wasn’t until later that the patient admitted he was using drugs and the injury was a suicide attempt. Somehow the guy was in remarkably good condition when he got to the hospital. Surgeons were able to remove the nails with needle-nosed pliers because the nail heads did not penetrate the skull.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the dumbest thing that you and your significant other have fought over?  One Orange County,FL woman stabbed her husband after a fight over hot dogs for dinner!  That’s pretty frivolous!  What’s the silliest thing you and your significant argued about?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What people even put sackcloth on their animals when they repented?
ANSWER: The people of Nineveh Jonah 3:8

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Abraham Lincoln was watching what play at Ford’s Theatre in Washington, D.C., when he was fatally shot on April 14, 1865?

ANSWER: Our American Cousin

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Reports from owners of cats and dogs indicate that 21% of dogs snore. (True – and 7% of cats snore.)

 

  1. On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an “Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.” (True)

 

  1. It costs the soft drink industry $10 million a year for crimes that are committed involving vending machines. (False – $100 million!)

 

  1. There are close to 40,000 varieties of mushrooms. (True)

 

  1. There are 186 drinking fountains in the Pentagon. (False – 691)

 

  1. Most landfilled trash retains its original weight, volume, and form for 40 years. (True)

 

  1. New Jersey, with 96, is the US state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites. (True)

 

  1. Quito in Ecuador, South America, is said to have the most pleasant climate in the world. (True – It is called the ‘Land of Eternal Spring.’ The temperature rarely drops below 46 degrees Fahrenheit during the night, or exceed 72 degrees Fahrenheit during the day.)

 

  1. St. Augustine, Florida is the oldest city in the US. (True)

 

  1. Talking on a cellular phone while driving is against the law in Israel. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

THE YOGA ______ (TAX)

WASHINGTON  – President Obama issued an executive order yesterday – putting a ten percent tax on yoga studios and everything related to yoga.

“We see this as a fairness issue,” said a source inside the White House, adding that Pilates would be next.   “There’s a lot of people doing yoga and the government needs to get a piece of that action. They’ve been untaxed for too long.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Sue told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Sue replied, “In that case, if that’s how it works, then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

 

JOKE #2

I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.

“Where’s your mother?” I asked.

“She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I’ll see.”

Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, “Yep, she’s in the shower.”

 

JOKE #3

A college chemistry professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
“And who was it that discovered uranium?” the professor asked.
“I don’t know,” the student said.
“Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Winters, you would know,” said the professor.
“That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

New research is leading some experts to believe that the amount of lead we were exposed to earlier in life might have more to do with how our mental capacity declines than simple old age. If the research is shown to be accurate it could mean that an aging person’s brain could work as if it’s five years older than it truly is – simply due to the amount of led levels more than 20 years ago. ***MARLAR: To be safe, U.S. Government officials are now suggesting we send senior citizens to China with the next toy recall.

 

If you want to remember names, where your keys are along with all your appointments, take a nap. New research by Avi Karni, a brain researcher with the University of Haifa in Israel, has concluded that a 90-minute afternoon nap helps to lock in fleeting long-term memories.  ***MARLAR: My problem is that I can’t ever remember to take a nap.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

CAT PETTING

We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.
One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon that had come up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

COMPUTER RAGE IS ALL THE RAGE

Look out road rage — there’s a new rage in town. It’s called computer rage!

Road rage is so passé, and checkout rage is quickly getting old.  So let’s concentrate on the latest rage – computer rage!  According to University of Maryland Professor Kent Norman, it’s becoming a big problem. Dr. Kent says, “Men and women are taking out their frustrations on the computer and unfortunately, sometimes misdirecting it to other people.” He conducted an online survey last year in which nearly 20 percent of the respondents admitted they’d dropped a computer on the floor out of anger. They described smashing, microwaving and cursing at their computers. One confessed he had thrown his laptop in a fryer. At least three claimed to have shot at hardware. Others admit to “swearing at my computer.” And watch out — Norman says not dealing with these feelings appropriately, bottled up, can lead to “techno-frustration denial.” ***MARLAR: The next rage will be PHRASE-RAGE – for those of us that can’t understand what the heck these supposedly enlightened college professors are saying.  “Techno-Frustration Denial”?!?!  Sounds like an excuse a defendant would come up with in court case.  “It’s not my fault the computer monitor landed on the dog seven floors down – I was suffering from techno-frustration denial!”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE GOOD LIFE

By Mary Hunt
Nowadays, people call me “the Ann Landers of personal finance.” Back in 1982, if anyone had told me that someday I’d write a newsletter—and a book!—to teach people how to get out of debt, I wouldn’t have known whether to laugh or to cry. The only thing I was an expert on was getting into debt. My family was on the brink of financial ruin. We had run out of credit. We had no savings. No income. Nothing.
That fall day, I looked with dismay at the envelopes that arrived in the mail. More bills to add to the mountain of debt my husband, Harold, and I had amassed. I had no idea how much we owed. What did it matter? We didn’t have the money to pay off even one of our debts. Harold and I had barely spoken since our business collapsed a month earlier. There’s no way out of this mess, I thought.
It seemed so easy at the beginning, when the first credit card arrived—a gas station card I’d gotten “to be safe.” The first time I handed it to the guy at the pump, I felt like a queen. Pretty soon, offers were flooding our mailbox. “Look,” I said to Harold, “this bank wants to give us a ten-thousand-dollar credit line!” Why not? Harold was a banker. I had a good job. I wanted our little boys, Jeremy and Joshua, to have everything I didn’t have growing up as a pastor’s daughter. And, anyway, the expensive things we had made us look successful. Nobody had to know that we hadn’t come close to paying for that brand-new car in the garage or the fancy vacations we took.
When I maxed out one card, a new card would somehow magically come in the mail. It was as though God wanted to support my spending habit—or at least the credit companies did. And if the cards failed, I could write a check. Harold was the branch manager at our local bank. “Honey, you’d better watch it about all those bouncing checks,” he said one day with a grave face. “My boss has spoken to me about it a couple of times.”
“Maybe we need to get new jobs,” I said. “Or start our own business.”
“We’ll refinance our house,” he said. We did—more than once. And, of course, the mountain of debt just grew.
Then an acquaintance told us about a door-to-door venture, a surefire way of making cash. “You’ll be millionaires in a matter of months!” he promised, and he was very convincing. Harold quit his job and we finagled a twenty-two-thousand-dollar loan to invest in the start-up. We should have known better. It was a complete scam. The “quality merchandise” we were supposed to sell turned out to be junk. Our so-called partners disappeared into thin air.
So there I was that September day staring at the pile of bills on the desk. I had to talk to somebody. I dashed outside and jumped into our new car (which by now we couldn’t afford to service). In a daze I found myself driving to Harold’s parents’ house. Maybe they’d have a solution. Or a loan.
I rang the doorbell. No answer. I let myself in and sat at the table in the empty kitchen. I stared into space and felt terribly alone. Suddenly, I was overcome by tears. I couldn’t stop crying. “It’s all my fault!” I nearly screamed. “Oh, God, please forgive me. We’ll find a way to get out of this mess somehow. But, we can’t do it by ourselves.”
And there in the silence of my mother-in-law’s kitchen I heard God say, You don’t have to. I heard him loud and clear: I’m here for you. But what did God know about getting out of debt? I thought of God as an expert on things of the heart, not money. Then I thought of my behavior over the past few years. I had let “things” take over my heart—all those luxuries that were supposed to make us happier. My problem wasn’t just money. It was how I used it and thought of it—worshipped it even.
Just put me first, God seemed to be saying. The rest will fall into place.
Feeling a strange measure of peace for a woman on the verge of bankruptcy, I drove home. Harold and I talked and we made a pledge that no matter what, we’d get ourselves out of this hole we’d fallen into. We’d stop spending and start paying back. No matter what, we’d stay close as a family and we wouldn’t forget God. In fact, even as we paid off the bills, we’d still give to our church and other charities. It was a way of putting God first.
Days later, I got an unexpected call from a colleague I’d worked with in commercial real estate. “Mary, would you be interested in managing some properties?” he asked me. Would I ever!
“It’s a small salary plus commission,” I told Harold. “But it’s something.”
“Sure,” he said. “I’ll take care of the house and the boys.”
With that I started opening up those bills. I phoned every single creditor and assured them that if they gave us time, we’d pay them off.
But how? Small steps first.
We stopped eating out. I culled the supermarket flyers for bargains and made simple, nutritious meals that pleased all of us. Over one supper of burgers and salad, eight-year-old Jeremy said, “Mom, this is better than eating out,” and Joshua, six, agreed.
Whenever I got a commission, I increased the payments on the bills, and slowly I began to see progress. I followed a system of paying down the card with the lowest balance first. When it was paid off, I moved on to the next lowest balance. As each account was paid off, I canceled it, cut up the card and said a relieved prayer of thanks.
After nearly three years as a stay-at-home dad, Harold was eager to get back to work. We opened our own real estate firm. The business took off and we adopted a formula of 10-10-80. Whenever we received any income, we gave away the first 10 percent—to our church and to charity—and put the next 10 percent into savings. Our budget eventually allowed us to live debt-free, except for our mortgage. We kept one credit card for convenience, but we paid it off in full each and every month.
In church one Sunday our pastor challenged us in his sermon. “Let God stretch your imagination,” he preached, “so that you can touch the world for him.” A light went on. Just days earlier I had heard a radio program about someone who had started a newsletter that was reaching thousands of people. I could write a newsletter on how to get out of debt! I thought excitedly.
Thus was born The Cheapskate Monthly. I printed 4,000 copies, rented a mailing list and sent them out. The result: three subscribers, including my mother-in-law! But then a copy of the newsletter reached a reporter who decided to look me up. The story ran in the Los Angeles Times and my phone rang off the hook.
It took more than a dozen years to get out of debt—and a staggering one hundred thousand dollars. Along the way I learned so much, but putting God first was the first step. Words from Romans are always on my mind: “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another.” With no debt, I feel like there’s a lot more room for love. And you know what? That’s the way to the good life.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BE TRUE TO YOUR WORD

Read: Matthew 5:33-37

Let your “Yes” be “Yes,” and your “No,” “No.” —Matthew 5:37

Shortly before his death, the Duke of Burgundy was presiding over the Cabinet Council of France. A proposal was made by the ministers that would violate a treaty but would secure important advantages for the country. Many reasons were offered to justify the deed. The Duke listened in silence, and when all had spoken he closed the conference without giving approval. Placing his hand on a copy of the original agreement, he said with firmness in his voice, “Gentlemen, we have a treaty!”

It’s important that Christians act and speak so that the Savior is glorified. When you give your word, keep it. If you make a commitment, honor it. If you take on an obligation, fulfill it. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes.'”

Our honesty and reliability should be so evident that we can be trusted for any contract we make. What better testimony could be said of a believer than this: “He gave his word; that’s good enough for me.” And if non-Christians can trust us in business matters, they are more likely to believe us when we speak about the gospel.

If you are tempted to go back on a promise, think again of the words of the Duke of Burgundy: “Gentlemen, we have a treaty!” —Richard De Haan

 

Uphold me in the common strife;
Give me the grace to work and plan;
And in the marketplace of life,
O keep me, Lord, an honest man. —Bayliss

 

Never give your word unless you intend to keep it.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

JETSONS CAR

Oh how you dreamed one day you’d have a flying car just like George Jetson. My friend — that day is now.

The folks at NASA have built something called “The Highway in the Sky.” It’s a computer system designed to let millions of people fly whenever they please, and take off and land from wherever they please, in their very own vehicles. And here’s the good news — a lot of people are building machines you’ll be able to buy. One of those people is inventor Woody Norris who will receive America’s top prize for invention this week. It’s called the Lemelson-MIT award — a half-million dollar cash prize to honor his life’s work, which includes a brand new personal flying machine called the AirScooter. It can fly for 2 hours at 55 mph, and go up to 10,000 feet above sea level. Everything is controlled from the motorcycle-like handle bar. He plans to sell the things for $50,000 each.  ***MARLAR: But only for people who have $50,000 and have no idea what to spend it on.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

WHERE HAVE ALL THE MOTHERS GONE?

Motherhood has changed drastically in the past 30 years. Today, American women are having fewer babies, and more women are choosing to be childless. A new report by the U.S. Census Bureau found:

  • 20% of women today aged 40 to 44 have no children, double what it was 30 years ago.
  • The average number of children a woman aged 40-44 will have is 1.9.
  • Mothers in North Carolina, Mississippi, and the District of Columbia are least likely to marry.
  • 20% of all births reported in the survey were to U.S. moms who themselves were born in another
  • In California, that percentage doubled, with 41% of moms being foreign-born.
  • Hispanic women average the most children (2.3).

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

THE LOST ART OF STAGECOACH DRIVING

Planning a summer vacation – just be thankful you have a car now rather than a horse-drawn stagecoach!

Stagecoach travel has been glamorized by Hollywood: a handsome hero in an immaculate white shirt and string necktie, and a neatly coiffured heroine swaying gently as the stage races across the prairie. But stages never raced — they generally were run at 5mph — and passengers usually arrived at their destinations covered in dust and aching from the bone-rattling journey. Here’s a real list of “commandments” that used to be posted by the Wells Fargo company at each station:

  1. Abstinence from liquor is requested, but if you must drink, share the bottle. To do otherwise makes you appear selfish and un-neighborly.
  2. If ladies are present, gentlemen are urged to forego smoking cigars and pipes as the odor of same is repugnant to the Gentle Sex. Chewing tobacco is permitted, but spit WITH the wind, not against it.
  3. Gentlemen must refrain from the use of rough language in the presence of ladies and children.
  4. Buffalo robes are provided for your comfort during cold weather. Hogging robes will not be tolerated and the offender will be made to ride with the driver.
  5. Don’t snore loudly while sleeping or use your fellow passenger’s shoulder for a pillow; he or she may not understand and friction may result.
  6. Firearms may be kept on your person for use in emergencies. Do not fire them for pleasure or shoot at wild animals as the sound riles the horses.
  7. In the event of runaway horses, remain calm. Leaping from the coach in panic will leave you injured, at the mercy of the elements, hostile Indians and hungry wolves.
  8. Forbidden topics of discussion are stagecoach robberies and Indian uprisings.
  9. Gents guilty of unchivalrous behavior toward lady passengers will be put off the stage. It’s a long walk back. A word to the wise is sufficient.

 

 

FUN LIST

WHAT OTHER ‘ESSENTIALS’ COST BY THE GALLON

A lot of drivers who complain about gasoline prices seem to have no problem plunking down $4 for a designer cup of coffee. What gives? In the United States, people spend so much time telling themselves they deserve to be pampered, they sometimes forget the basics, says Michael Solomon, a professor of consumer behavior at Auburn University. From cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil to contact solution, American lives are filled with expensive liquids. Fancy-label products aren’t the only items that add up. [1 gallon = 128 fluid ounces; 1 liter = 33.8 fluid ounces]

  • Starbucks Chantico (6 ounces) – Price: $2.65 – One gallon: $56.53
  • Coca-Cola (2 liters = 67.628 ounces) – Price: $1.69 – One gallon: $3.20
  • Pepto Bismol (12 ounces) – Price: $4.99 – One gallon: $41.58 should be $53.23
  • Castelas Olive Oil (16.8 ounces) – Price: $29.99 – One gallon: $228.50
  • San Pelligrino (25.3 ounces) – Price: $1.50 – One gallon: $7.59
  • French’s Yellow Mustard (14 ounces) – Price: $1.25 – One gallon: $11.43
  • Visine (1 ounce) – Price: $7.39 – One gallon: $945.92
  • Off mosquito spray (6 ounces) – Price: $5.49 – One gallon: $117.12
  • Windex (24 ounces) – Price: $3.19 – One gallon: $13.11

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ROAD RAGE

Here’s the top 5 things that make people mad while driving (from a survey of licensed drivers):

  1. No blinker when turning
  2. Slow drivers
  3. Drivers who cut you off
  4. Tailgating
  5. Rude drivers

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

5 ways to stay motivated and avoid burnout

  1. Recognize the Race You Need to Run and set your pace accordingly.
  2. Be an Energizer. People who energize others are higher performers themselves.
  3. Know What Drains You and What Sustains You
  4. Pace Yourself Like an Elite Performer
  5. Stop fighting against your strengths and start using them,

http://ti.me/22wKNUC

 

A new study has found that Millennials are reading more books than older generations. Accordint to Relevant Magazine, the Pew Research survey of more than 6,000 Americans found that 88 percent of Americans younger than 30 said they read a book in the past year compared with 79 percent of those older than 30. At the same time, the study found that young American readers’ relationship with public libraries is changing, with younger readers less likely to see public libraries as essential in their communities. The study found that, overall, Americans are buying more books than they are borrowing.

http://relm.ag/fu7sLpf

 

The Bible is now one of the most objected to books at US schools and libraries.  The Bible is featured for the first time on the American Library Association’s annual list of the top 10 most challenged books. The list also includes books like Fifty Shades of Grey. The ALA defines a challenge as a “formal, written complaint filed with a library or school requesting that materials be removed because of content or appropriateness.” The Bible finished sixth on the list in 2015.

http://bit.ly/1qFMGCx

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

YOU HAVE BEEN IN RADIO SALES TOO LONG WHEN:

  • You become indignant at Lowes when they won’t throw in free light bulbs with your purchase, as “value added”.
  • You introduce your children as your “dubs”.
  • You call in sick by saying you’ll be “discreping today”.
  • You thought Herb Tarlick on WKRP played a “straight-man” role.
  • You saw “City Slickers” and thought it was about time they made a movie about radio salespeople.
  • You consider a phone number with area code to be a word.
  • Won’t take the family to 90 percent of the restaurants in town because they’re not your accounts.
  • Just as you’re about to crash into a tree, instead of pushing the brake you try to go to a commercial.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 22, 2016…

 

The Huntsman: Winter’s War—This time, there are two evil sisters who want the Magic Mirror. Charlize Theron is back as Ravenna and she has a sister, The Ice Queen, Freya (Emily Blunt) who can freeze with a glance. Can The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) and The Warrior (Jessica Chastain) go against them?  Great costumes. Also in the cast is Nick Frost. “The Huntsman: Winter’s War” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

A Hologram For The King—Tom Hanks has quite a job here. He is a salesman who wants to travel to Saudi Arabia to try to get a big ITT contract.  Can he manage it?  The movie is based on the novel by Dave Eggers.  Also in the cast are Alexander Black, Ben Whitshaw, Tom Skerritt and Sarita Choudbury. “A Hologram For The King” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

The Meddler—What happens when Mom becomes a widow and has nothing to do but pry into her daughter’s life?  This is the premise of the film when the widow (Susan Sarandon) and her daughter (Rose Byrne) clash. Mom eventually turns to something different and finds she has a talent for it.  The cast includes Jason Ritter, J. K. Simmons and Harry Hamlin. “The Meddler” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

 

APRIL 29, 2016…

 

Keanu is an off-the-wall comedy about a lost cat. Stars Keegan-Michael Key.

 

Rachet & Clank comes  from the computer game and is animated with voices of David Keye and James Arnold Taylor.

 

Mother’s Day is a comedy, directed by Garry Marshall with a host of stars including Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson and Jennifer Aniston.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.