April 26, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep • Marlar House Productions

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180426
PDF: 20180426

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

What a great job! Plenty of snacks, good music, unlimited coffee, the hand dryer works in the men’s room…

I feel great today! I mean, I am emitting such powerful vibes, all young children and pregnant women please stay away from the radio.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Unlike any other nation, here the people rule, and their will is the supreme law. It is sometimes sneeringly said by those who do not like free government, that here we count heads. True, heads are counted, but brains also.” – William McKinley

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. — Galatians 3:28

If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. — Romans 10:9-10

The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. — Psalm 103:6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. — Psalm 121:1-2

Thought: Since God could speak into existence the universe, and since God knows our names and the number of the hairs on our head… surely we know that we can go to him for our help. Let’s lift up our eyes and our hearts to El Shaddai, Lord God of the Mountains and know the Almighty sees our needs, hears our requests, and cares about our hearts.

Prayer: Holy and All-powerful Abba Father, I do look to you for help. You are the one true source of redemption, power, comfort, encouragement, hope, and excellence in my life. Please give me the wisdom to know your will and choose your will for my life. Thank you for being faithful through the ages to your people and throughout my life to me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ephesians 4:26 NIV = “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…

TODAY IS THURSDAY – APRIL 25, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 242 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is ALL YOU CAN EAT DAY. ***Whoo hoo! The cool thing about this day that I just learned is that All You Can Eat Day is on the 26th day of each and every month! I love that. And hey, it’s a holiday, you can’t just ignore it!

I was going to have Nicole Kidman on the show with me today, but then she heard why. It’s HUG AN AUSTRALIAN DAY. We can’t find her anywhere now. I’m not sure if that should offend me or not.

Today is NATIONAL STATIC CLING DAY. ***Today’s the day to try and rub yourself against someone else and fling yourself towards the wall to see if you’ll stick. (Quick tip – if you use dryer sheets, and you run out, try a sheet of aluminum foil, just throw it in the dryer along with your clothes and turn it on and no more static cling. A new tennis ball will work just as well.)

Today is REMEMBER YOU FIRST KISS DAY. ***Ah yes…. mine was a Hershey’s.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Audubon Day
International Girls in Information and Telecommunication Technologies Day
Hug An Australian Day
Lesbian Visibility Day
National Help A Horse Day
National Kids and Pets Day
National Pretzel Day
Poem In Your Pocket Day
Richter Scale Day
Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
World Intellectual Property Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, APRIL 27

Arbor Day
Babe Ruth Day
Day of Dialogue
Mantanzas Mule Day
Morse Code Day
National Day of Silence
National Devil Dog Cakes Day
National Little Pampered Dog Day
National Hairball Awareness Day
Undiagnosed Children’s Awareness Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 28

Biological Clock Day
Brave Hearts Day
International Table Top Day
International Sculpture Day
Bob Wills Day
Eeyore’s Birthday Day
National Dance Day
National Go Birding Day
National Herb Day
National Pool Opening Day
National Prepare-A-Thon Day
National Rebuilding Day
National Sense of Smell Day
National Superhero Day
National Take Back Day
Save The Frogs Day
Workers Memorial Day
World Day for Safety and Health at Work
World Healing Day
World Tai Chi & Qigong Day
World Veterinary Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 29

Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare
International Dance Day
Mother, Father Deaf Day
National Pet Parent’s Day
“Peace” Rose Day
Pinhole Photography Day
World Wish Day
Zipper Day

MONDAY, APRIL 30

Adopt A Shelter Pet Day
Animal Advocacy Day
Beltane
Bugs Bunny Day
Day of Vesak
Kiss of Hope Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Bubble Tea Day
National Honesty Day
National Military Brats Day
National Prepareathon Day
Spank Out Day – USA
Walpurgis Night

TUESDAY, MAY 01

Batman Day (Also in September)
Beltane
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
Executive Coaching Day
Foster Care Day
Global Love Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Workers Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
Law Day
Lei Day
Lemonade Day
Loyalty Day
May Day
May One Day
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
Skyscraper Day
Stepmother’s Day
World Asthma Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 02

Great American Grump Out
Life Insurance Day
National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy
National (Deaf) Interpreter Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
World Tuna Day

THURSDAY, MAY 03

Garden Meditation Day
Lag B’Omer
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Textiles Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Paranormal Day
Public Radio Day
SAN Architect Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Day of Prayer
National Day of Reason
World Password Day

ON THIS DAY

1834: Horatio R. Palmer was born. From the American Congregational clergyman’s religious poetry came the hymn “My Faith Looks Up to Thee.”

1877: Minnesota stopped everything for a day of prayer, asking God to deliver them from the grasshoppers, which already had eaten Minneapolis and were hopping toward Duluth. ***God must have been listening, because Minnesota is fine now. Of course, nowadays you’d have the ACLU on your back for asking people to pray, and then PETA would show up to protect the bugs.

1921: Radio Station WEW in St. Louis broadcast the first U.S. government weather forecast. And every day since, the U.S. Weather Service has been issuing weather forecasts. ***And they’re gonna keep doing it until they get one right.

1931: Chattanooga signed the first female pro baseball player. Southpaw Jackie Mitchell didn’t make it to the major leagues, but she did once strike out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig in an exhibition game. ***She had to quit though because she could never figure out how to spit.

1937: The afternoon comedy soap “Lorenzo Jones” premiered on NBC radio. And we must not forget his devoted wife Belle. The daily show lasted until 1955.

1961: New York Yankee Roger Maris hit the first of a then-record 61 home runs in a single season.

1964: The Boston Celtics won their sixth straight NBA title. They would win two more before the streak came to an end.

1964: The Beatles attended the 28th birthday party for singer Roy Orbison.

1975: B.J. Thomas scored with the longest song title to hit #1 on Billboard’s pop music chart: “(Hey Won’t You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song.” It stayed #1 for one week.

1979: At the close of his show at Carnegie Hall, comic Andy Kaufman invited the audience of 2,800 to board buses to the Manhattan School of Printing’s cafeteria for free cookies and milk.

1988: “China Beach,” a drama set during the Vietnam War, debuted on ABC-TV. The cast included Dana Delany, Marg Helgenberger, Concetta Tomei, Chloe Webb, Robert Picardo, Jeff Kober, Nad Vaughn, Megan Gallager, Michael Boatman, and Ricki Lake.

1989: At New York City’s Four Seasons restaurant, wine merchant William Sokolin accidentally bumped a table with a bottle of wine and broke it. It was a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux which once belonged to Thomas Jefferson and was valued at $519,750.

1990: The 24-carat diamond that Marilyn Monroe wore in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” sold for $297,000 at a Christie’s auction in New York City.

1993: Conan O’Brien was named to succeed David Letterman as host of NBC’s “Late Night” program.

1996: A 4-day New York auction of possessions of Jackie Kennedy Onassis raked in $34.5-million.

1998: Police in Peru arrested a man at Lima International Airport trying to smuggle a thousand butterflies out of the country. Butterfly smuggling is punishable in Peru by up to three years in prison. ***”Let’s see, a knife, a gun, an explosive in your shoe… okay you’re free to board the plane sir. Whoa! Wait a minute! What’s this? A Monarch butterfly? SECURITY!!!”

2003: The Russian Space Agency announced that stamp collectors could have a letter posted to them from space for a cool $20,000. The price was high because it cost up to $80,000 to deliver a kilogram of cargo to and from the International Space Station. Labor costs were listed at $19,000 an hour.

2004: The U.S. government introduced a new colorized $50 bill, reportedly that would be harder to counterfeit than the old bill.

2006: President Bush appointed Fox News commentator Tony Snow as his press secretary, replacing Scott McClellan.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1521: After Charles V promises to take firmer measures against his doctrines, Luther leaves the Diet of Worms. A month later, his teachings are formally condemned

1877: Residents of Minnesota observe a state-wide day of prayer, asking deliverance from a plague of grasshoppers that had ruined thousands of acres of crops. The plague ended during that summer.

1992: Worshipers celebrate the first Russian Orthodox Easter in Moscow in 74 years.

1955: The Roman Catholic Television program “Life Is Worth Living” airs for the last time after a three year run. In 1952 it won an Emmy Award for its host, Bishop Fulton J. Sheen.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actress (D.E.B.S., The Fast And The Furious, The Faculty, “All My Children,” “As the World Turns”) Jordana Brewster 38 (audio clip)
actor-comedian (Hitch, “The King of Queens”) Kevin James 53 (audio clip)
actor-singer (“The Young & The Restless”) Michael Damian 56 (audio clip)
Comic/actress (“The Carol Burnett Show,” “Mama’s Family”) Carol Burnett is 85 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1886 : Ma Rainey

1915 : Johnny Shines

1915 : Jorgen Ingmann

1938 : Maurice Williams

1938 : Duane Eddy

1941 : Claudine Clark

1942 : Bobby Rydell

1943 : Gary Wright

1946 : John “Buck” Wilkins (Ronny of Ronny & the Daytonas)

1960 : Roger Taylor (Duran Duran)

1961 : Chris Mars (The Replacements)

1970 : T-Boz (TLC)

1975 : Nathan “Joey” Jordison (Slipknot)

1976 : Jose Pasillas (Incubus)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we joke about fools believing the moon is made from green cheese?

Well it would be incredibly vain to say it was made of American cheese, now wouldn’t it? Then again, there are a lot of holes… maybe it should be made of Swish cheese instead of green cheese? Actually, it’s not just green cheese by default. Did you ever stop to think, just what is “green cheese,” after all? There’s no such thing, right? Literally, that’s true. The “green” in this old proverb refers to the quality of “newness.” Specifically it described a hunk of cheese that had not yet aged, the appearance of which reminded people of what the moon looked like from afar. But only a fool thought it was really made from it.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The nomination of President Trump’s personal physician, Ronny Jackson, to head the VA, is being held up in the Senate amid accusations of “excessive drinking on the job” and improperly dispensing meds.” ***That being said, after watching “Scandal” on TV, I don’t think it’d be possible to work in D.C. without a lot of drugs and alcohol.

President George H.W. Bush is recovering in a Texas hospital where he was admitted and placed in intensive care after suffering an infection. ***He has kept his sense of humor during the process, telling the doctor, “Read my lips… no new prescriptions!”

Less than 50% of Americans who receive jury duty notices actually show up. ***Meaning you might be convicted for a crime by twelve people who simply had nothing better to do that day.

With their motorcade stuck in traffic on the way to their wedding, a couple in China realized they wouldn’t make their noon ceremony start time. Instead of missing it, the wedding party decided to marry the couple in the middle of the expressway. Instead of ushers and wedding guests, the impromptu ceremony was attended by a crowd of passing motorists who hopped out of their cars, SUVs and semis. ***Instead of rice or bird seed being thrown at the newlywed couple, passing drivers tossed out cigarette butts.

Burger King co-founder David Edgerton died last week at age 90. ***During pre-planning of his funeral, Mr. Edgerton was told, “Have it your way.”

Melania Trump had the option of using any of the presidential China in the White House collection for Tuesday night’s state dinner with the first couple of France… and she chose the Clinton China. ***Let the conspiracy theories begin.

The net neutrality repeal has taken effect. ***I don’t notice a difference. Do you notice a difference? I don’t notice a difference.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

It’s a scientific development that seems ripped from the script of the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” There’s no telling yet if it could work in people, but researchers in Toronto say they can selectively erase fear memories from the brains of mice. ***Unfortunately, they still retain all memories of each night trying to take over the world.

A team of Chinese scientists found in tests on 57 drinks that Sprite performed the best in relieving the alcohol-related symptoms. ***Hmmm… so then, what kind of alcohol goes best with Sprite?

(RANT COMING…) Men who open doors for women are as guilty of sexism as those who are rude to them, according to a study. Psychologists found that a friendly or chivalrous attitude can mask chauvinistic and patronizing views because the men see females as weak creatures in need of their protection. They warned that this “benevolent sexism” was harder to spot than the hostile version borne out of an open antipathy. Jin Goh, a psychologist from Northeastern University, Boston, in the U.S., said: “While many people are sensitive to sexist verbal offences, they may not readily associate sexism with warmth and friendliness. Unless sexism is understood as having both hostile and benevolent properties, the insidious nature of benevolent sexism will continue to be one of the driving forces behind gender inequality.” ***Oh my gosh… seriously?!?! So if I open a door for a woman, I’m sexist? What if I don’t open the door – and wait for her to open it? Then I’m labeled an inconsiderate jerk. Why can’t I open a door for someone… not because I think they are weaker, but because I’m being polite? I open doors for men and women. I’m sexist if I open the door for a woman… so then am I gay if I open that door for a guy? Or am I saying, “you’re too weak to open the door for yourself”..? I’m also opening it for ME – so now suddenly I’m a narcissist. You’re over-thinking it feminists. This has nothing to do with you being a weaker sex. In my case, it’s out of respect. I was taught to treat women not like equals, or lesser than men – but better than men. You are the fairer of the sexes, deserving of more love and honor. It’s not a DIS on you if I open the door when you approach. It’s me saying, “My esteem for you is so high that I am allowing you to go before me, my opinion is higher of you than of me.” Unless you’re a liberal feminist… at which point I’ll probably let the door hit you in the face.

Research shows that King Tut may have died in a chariot accident. ***Etching hieroglyphics while driving. Typical teenager.

A spoonful of sugar makes the willpower go up, according to a series of studies that have suggested fueling the brain with sweets can strengthen self-control. You don’t even need to swallow to get the benefits of sweetness. Simply swishing a glucose-laden drink in the mouth and spitting it out boosted self-control and willpower for tasks from squeezing a handgrip to completing impossible brain teasers. ***Here’s my problem…what I need willpower for is to stay away from sugary drinks. So NOW what?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals tried to make friends with a giant gorilla who’d been leaving footprints around the jungle – but that didn’t work. And they were so scared they didn’t know what to do… until finally, they stopped and prayed and asked God for help. Suddenly they heard… music!

CLOSE: And all the animals foxtrotted happily ever after. Well, at least until sundown. Tune in next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Imagine being sued just because your dog barked at someone!

A Japanese pet owner has been ordered to pay $26,000 to a woman who fell and broke her leg when his dog barked at her. The court ruling claimed that the man was “negligent in training the animal”. The dog simply barked at a 71-year-old Yokohama woman, who in turn was surprised by the presence of the dog and fell – losing partial use of her leg and now needing a walking stick. She took 7 months to recover. ***MARLAR: I feel bad for the lady, but she’s suing because the dog barked… something natural for the dog. Dogs bark, that’s what they do. That’s how they communicate. She’s suing because the dog said something! What if the dog was saying “Hey, look out or you might fall and break your leg!?”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SPRING CLEANING TIPS FOR MEN

10. Just because something is fuzzy and the kids don’t pet it, doesn’t mean you should throw it out!–Wait for it to start moving, then kill it, and throw it out!

9. Remove all your old, ratty, FAVORITE shirts from the closet and hide them until your wife has done her spring cleaning, then put them back!

8. Washing and waxing your car IN THE GARAGE isn’t technically considered house cleaning!

7. Buying your wife a self-cleaning oven for Mother’s Day is a nice gesture, but it shouldn’t be considered your share of house cleaning for the next year!

6. Just because the dog doesn’t die when drinking from the toilet isn’t an indication that the bathroom is clean enough!

5. Contrary to popular male opinion, using car parts as accent pieces in the living room is ALWAYS a fashion faux pas!

4. Posting a “Do Not Touch, Experiment In Progress” sign on the refrigerator door isn’t an acceptable compromise to cleaning the fridge.

3. Naming and issuing birth certificates for each dust bunny, in hopes of cashing in on some future novelty item business windfall, isn’t being particularly realistic!

2. Most people overlook the sanitizing benefits of flame throwers. Using flame retardant paint on your walls and furniture makes using one of these “crispy cleaners” both fun, and effective!

1. Start with the most important place first–your heart! Be like David and pray: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10,NIV)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Smelling of pot didn’t help one man’s effort to get a gun permit.

FILE #1: Deputies at North Carolina’s Caldwell County Sheriff’s Office report Dennis Lee Vines Junior reeked of marijuana when he came in to apply for a gun permit. Officials called a canine team. Deputies say they found two small bags of pot, two joints and two packs of rolling papers in the man’s pickup truck, which was in the sheriff’s office parking lot. Vines was busted for possession.

FILE #2: There’s been some horsing around in a bank in Germany. Police say a man identified only as Wolfgang H. and his horse spent the other night in the heated foyer of a bank southwest of Berlin. Wolfgang admits he had been drinking and decided to sleep it off. Since there was no hitching post outside, Wolfgang brought his horse Sammy inside with him. They were discovered by a bank customer who wanted to use the cash machine. Police say they’re not charging Wolfgang. But he could have some cleaning up to do. Let’s just say Sammy left his mark on the bank’s carpet.

FILE #3: A Scottish man carried on incessantly over his girlfriend’s driving, took over the wheel and promptly crashed the car. That earned him a $500 fine since he wasn’t even qualified to drive, let alone complain about someone else’s driving.

STRANGE LAW: In Alaska, it is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. ***Particularly offensive to the moose, I’d think.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Ever had a splitting headache where it felt as if nails were being driven into your skull? Next time, you might check to see if there are, perhaps, actual nails protruding from your skull.

An Oregon man suffering from a terrible headache went to a hospital for an examination. Turns out he had something stuck in his head. Actually, 12 things. Actually, 12 nails. And he had put them there himself. The man at first told doctors he had had a “nail gun accident.” It wasn’t until later that the patient admitted he was using drugs and the injury was a suicide attempt. Somehow the guy was in remarkably good condition when he got to the hospital. Surgeons were able to remove the nails with needle-nosed pliers because the nail heads did not penetrate the skull.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the dumbest thing that you and your significant other have fought over? One Orange County,FL woman stabbed her husband after a fight over hot dogs for dinner! That’s pretty frivolous! What’s the silliest thing you and your significant argued about?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What people even put sackcloth on their animals when they repented?
ANSWER: The people of Nineveh Jonah 3:8

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Abraham Lincoln was watching what play at Ford’s Theatre in Washington, D.C., when he was fatally shot on April 14, 1865?

ANSWER: Our American Cousin

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Reports from owners of cats and dogs indicate that 21% of dogs snore. (True – and 7% of cats snore.)

2. On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an “Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.” (True)

3. It costs the soft drink industry $10 million a year for crimes that are committed involving vending machines. (False – $100 million!)

4. There are close to 40,000 varieties of mushrooms. (True)

5. There are 186 drinking fountains in the Pentagon. (False – 691)

6. Most landfilled trash retains its original weight, volume, and form for 40 years. (True)

7. New Jersey, with 96, is the US state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites. (True)

8. Quito in Ecuador, South America, is said to have the most pleasant climate in the world. (True – It is called the ‘Land of Eternal Spring.’ The temperature rarely drops below 46 degrees Fahrenheit during the night, or exceed 72 degrees Fahrenheit during the day.)

9. St. Augustine, Florida is the oldest city in the US. (True)

10. Talking on a cellular phone while driving is against the law in Israel. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

THE YOGA ______ (TAX)

WASHINGTON – President Obama issued an executive order yesterday – putting a ten percent tax on yoga studios and everything related to yoga.

“We see this as a fairness issue,” said a source inside the White House, adding that Pilates would be next. “There’s a lot of people doing yoga and the government needs to get a piece of that action. They’ve been untaxed for too long.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Sue told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Sue replied, “In that case, if that’s how it works, then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

JOKE #2

I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.

“Where’s your mother?” I asked.

“She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I’ll see.”

Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, “Yep, she’s in the shower.”

JOKE #3

A college chemistry professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
“And who was it that discovered uranium?” the professor asked.
“I don’t know,” the student said.
“Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Winters, you would know,” said the professor.
“That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention!”

USELESS FACTS

New research is leading some experts to believe that the amount of lead we were exposed to earlier in life might have more to do with how our mental capacity declines than simple old age. If the research is shown to be accurate it could mean that an aging person’s brain could work as if it’s five years older than it truly is – simply due to the amount of led levels more than 20 years ago. ***To be safe, U.S. Government officials are now suggesting we send senior citizens to China with the next toy recall.

If you want to remember names, where your keys are along with all your appointments, take a nap. New research by Avi Karni, a brain researcher with the University of Haifa in Israel, has concluded that a 90-minute afternoon nap helps to lock in fleeting long-term memories. ***My problem is that I can’t ever remember to take a nap.

FEATURED FUNNIES

CAT PETTING

We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.
One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon that had come up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

COMPUTER RAGE IS ALL THE RAGE

Look out road rage — there’s a new rage in town. It’s called computer rage!

Road rage is so passé, and checkout rage is quickly getting old. So let’s concentrate on the latest rage – computer rage! According to University of Maryland Professor Kent Norman, it’s becoming a big problem. Dr. Kent says, “Men and women are taking out their frustrations on the computer and unfortunately, sometimes misdirecting it to other people.” He conducted an online survey last year in which nearly 20 percent of the respondents admitted they’d dropped a computer on the floor out of anger. They described smashing, microwaving and cursing at their computers. One confessed he had thrown his laptop in a fryer. At least three claimed to have shot at hardware. Others admit to “swearing at my computer.” And watch out — Norman says not dealing with these feelings appropriately, bottled up, can lead to “techno-frustration denial.” ***MARLAR: The next rage will be PHRASE-RAGE – for those of us that can’t understand what the heck these supposedly enlightened college professors are saying. “Techno-Frustration Denial”?!?! Sounds like an excuse a defendant would come up with in court case. “It’s not my fault the computer monitor landed on the dog seven floors down – I was suffering from techno-frustration denial!”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE GOOD LIFE

By Mary Hunt
Nowadays, people call me “the Ann Landers of personal finance.” Back in 1982, if anyone had told me that someday I’d write a newsletter—and a book!—to teach people how to get out of debt, I wouldn’t have known whether to laugh or to cry. The only thing I was an expert on was getting into debt. My family was on the brink of financial ruin. We had run out of credit. We had no savings. No income. Nothing.
That fall day, I looked with dismay at the envelopes that arrived in the mail. More bills to add to the mountain of debt my husband, Harold, and I had amassed. I had no idea how much we owed. What did it matter? We didn’t have the money to pay off even one of our debts. Harold and I had barely spoken since our business collapsed a month earlier. There’s no way out of this mess, I thought.
It seemed so easy at the beginning, when the first credit card arrived—a gas station card I’d gotten “to be safe.” The first time I handed it to the guy at the pump, I felt like a queen. Pretty soon, offers were flooding our mailbox. “Look,” I said to Harold, “this bank wants to give us a ten-thousand-dollar credit line!” Why not? Harold was a banker. I had a good job. I wanted our little boys, Jeremy and Joshua, to have everything I didn’t have growing up as a pastor’s daughter. And, anyway, the expensive things we had made us look successful. Nobody had to know that we hadn’t come close to paying for that brand-new car in the garage or the fancy vacations we took.
When I maxed out one card, a new card would somehow magically come in the mail. It was as though God wanted to support my spending habit—or at least the credit companies did. And if the cards failed, I could write a check. Harold was the branch manager at our local bank. “Honey, you’d better watch it about all those bouncing checks,” he said one day with a grave face. “My boss has spoken to me about it a couple of times.”
“Maybe we need to get new jobs,” I said. “Or start our own business.”
“We’ll refinance our house,” he said. We did—more than once. And, of course, the mountain of debt just grew.
Then an acquaintance told us about a door-to-door venture, a surefire way of making cash. “You’ll be millionaires in a matter of months!” he promised, and he was very convincing. Harold quit his job and we finagled a twenty-two-thousand-dollar loan to invest in the start-up. We should have known better. It was a complete scam. The “quality merchandise” we were supposed to sell turned out to be junk. Our so-called partners disappeared into thin air.
So there I was that September day staring at the pile of bills on the desk. I had to talk to somebody. I dashed outside and jumped into our new car (which by now we couldn’t afford to service). In a daze I found myself driving to Harold’s parents’ house. Maybe they’d have a solution. Or a loan.
I rang the doorbell. No answer. I let myself in and sat at the table in the empty kitchen. I stared into space and felt terribly alone. Suddenly, I was overcome by tears. I couldn’t stop crying. “It’s all my fault!” I nearly screamed. “Oh, God, please forgive me. We’ll find a way to get out of this mess somehow. But, we can’t do it by ourselves.”
And there in the silence of my mother-in-law’s kitchen I heard God say, You don’t have to. I heard him loud and clear: I’m here for you. But what did God know about getting out of debt? I thought of God as an expert on things of the heart, not money. Then I thought of my behavior over the past few years. I had let “things” take over my heart—all those luxuries that were supposed to make us happier. My problem wasn’t just money. It was how I used it and thought of it—worshipped it even.
Just put me first, God seemed to be saying. The rest will fall into place.
Feeling a strange measure of peace for a woman on the verge of bankruptcy, I drove home. Harold and I talked and we made a pledge that no matter what, we’d get ourselves out of this hole we’d fallen into. We’d stop spending and start paying back. No matter what, we’d stay close as a family and we wouldn’t forget God. In fact, even as we paid off the bills, we’d still give to our church and other charities. It was a way of putting God first.
Days later, I got an unexpected call from a colleague I’d worked with in commercial real estate. “Mary, would you be interested in managing some properties?” he asked me. Would I ever!
“It’s a small salary plus commission,” I told Harold. “But it’s something.”
“Sure,” he said. “I’ll take care of the house and the boys.”
With that I started opening up those bills. I phoned every single creditor and assured them that if they gave us time, we’d pay them off.
But how? Small steps first.
We stopped eating out. I culled the supermarket flyers for bargains and made simple, nutritious meals that pleased all of us. Over one supper of burgers and salad, eight-year-old Jeremy said, “Mom, this is better than eating out,” and Joshua, six, agreed.
Whenever I got a commission, I increased the payments on the bills, and slowly I began to see progress. I followed a system of paying down the card with the lowest balance first. When it was paid off, I moved on to the next lowest balance. As each account was paid off, I canceled it, cut up the card and said a relieved prayer of thanks.
After nearly three years as a stay-at-home dad, Harold was eager to get back to work. We opened our own real estate firm. The business took off and we adopted a formula of 10-10-80. Whenever we received any income, we gave away the first 10 percent—to our church and to charity—and put the next 10 percent into savings. Our budget eventually allowed us to live debt-free, except for our mortgage. We kept one credit card for convenience, but we paid it off in full each and every month.
In church one Sunday our pastor challenged us in his sermon. “Let God stretch your imagination,” he preached, “so that you can touch the world for him.” A light went on. Just days earlier I had heard a radio program about someone who had started a newsletter that was reaching thousands of people. I could write a newsletter on how to get out of debt! I thought excitedly.
Thus was born The Cheapskate Monthly. I printed 4,000 copies, rented a mailing list and sent them out. The result: three subscribers, including my mother-in-law! But then a copy of the newsletter reached a reporter who decided to look me up. The story ran in the Los Angeles Times and my phone rang off the hook.
It took more than a dozen years to get out of debt—and a staggering one hundred thousand dollars. Along the way I learned so much, but putting God first was the first step. Words from Romans are always on my mind: “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another.” With no debt, I feel like there’s a lot more room for love. And you know what? That’s the way to the good life.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BE TRUE TO YOUR WORD

Read: Matthew 5:33-37

Let your “Yes” be “Yes,” and your “No,” “No.” —Matthew 5:37

Shortly before his death, the Duke of Burgundy was presiding over the Cabinet Council of France. A proposal was made by the ministers that would violate a treaty but would secure important advantages for the country. Many reasons were offered to justify the deed. The Duke listened in silence, and when all had spoken he closed the conference without giving approval. Placing his hand on a copy of the original agreement, he said with firmness in his voice, “Gentlemen, we have a treaty!”

It’s important that Christians act and speak so that the Savior is glorified. When you give your word, keep it. If you make a commitment, honor it. If you take on an obligation, fulfill it. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes.'”

Our honesty and reliability should be so evident that we can be trusted for any contract we make. What better testimony could be said of a believer than this: “He gave his word; that’s good enough for me.” And if non-Christians can trust us in business matters, they are more likely to believe us when we speak about the gospel.

If you are tempted to go back on a promise, think again of the words of the Duke of Burgundy: “Gentlemen, we have a treaty!” —Richard De Haan

Uphold me in the common strife;
Give me the grace to work and plan;
And in the marketplace of life,
O keep me, Lord, an honest man. —Bayliss

Never give your word unless you intend to keep it.

LEFTOVERS

JETSONS CAR

Oh how you dreamed one day you’d have a flying car just like George Jetson. My friend — that day is now.

The folks at NASA have built something called “The Highway in the Sky.” It’s a computer system designed to let millions of people fly whenever they please, and take off and land from wherever they please, in their very own vehicles. And here’s the good news — a lot of people are building machines you’ll be able to buy. One of those people is inventor Woody Norris who will receive America’s top prize for invention this week. It’s called the Lemelson-MIT award — a half-million dollar cash prize to honor his life’s work, which includes a brand new personal flying machine called the AirScooter. It can fly for 2 hours at 55 mph, and go up to 10,000 feet above sea level. Everything is controlled from the motorcycle-like handle bar. He plans to sell the things for $50,000 each. ***MARLAR: But only for people who have $50,000 and have no idea what to spend it on.

LIFE… LIVE IT

WHERE HAVE ALL THE MOTHERS GONE?

Motherhood has changed drastically in the past 30 years. Today, American women are having fewer babies, and more women are choosing to be childless. A new report by the U.S. Census Bureau found:

20% of women today aged 40 to 44 have no children, double what it was 30 years ago.
The average number of children a woman aged 40-44 will have is 1.9.
Mothers in North Carolina, Mississippi, and the District of Columbia are least likely to marry.
20% of all births reported in the survey were to U.S. moms who themselves were born in another
country. In California, that percentage doubled, with 41% of moms being foreign-born.
Hispanic women average the most children (2.3).

JUST FOR FUN

THE LOST ART OF STAGECOACH DRIVING

Planning a summer vacation – just be thankful you have a car now rather than a horse-drawn stagecoach!

Stagecoach travel has been glamorized by Hollywood: a handsome hero in an immaculate white shirt and string necktie, and a neatly coiffured heroine swaying gently as the stage races across the prairie. But stages never raced — they generally were run at 5mph — and passengers usually arrived at their destinations covered in dust and aching from the bone-rattling journey. Here’s a real list of “commandments” that used to be posted by the Wells Fargo company at each station:

Abstinence from liquor is requested, but if you must drink, share the bottle. To do otherwise makes you appear selfish and un-neighborly.
If ladies are present, gentlemen are urged to forego smoking cigars and pipes as the odor of same is repugnant to the Gentle Sex. Chewing tobacco is permitted, but spit WITH the wind, not against it.
Gentlemen must refrain from the use of rough language in the presence of ladies and children.
Buffalo robes are provided for your comfort during cold weather. Hogging robes will not be tolerated and the offender will be made to ride with the driver.
Don’t snore loudly while sleeping or use your fellow passenger’s shoulder for a pillow; he or she may not understand and friction may result.
Firearms may be kept on your person for use in emergencies. Do not fire them for pleasure or shoot at wild animals as the sound riles the horses.
In the event of runaway horses, remain calm. Leaping from the coach in panic will leave you injured, at the mercy of the elements, hostile Indians and hungry wolves.
Forbidden topics of discussion are stagecoach robberies and Indian uprisings.
Gents guilty of unchivalrous behavior toward lady passengers will be put off the stage. It’s a long walk back. A word to the wise is sufficient.

FUN LIST

WHAT OTHER ‘ESSENTIALS’ COST BY THE GALLON

A lot of drivers who complain about gasoline prices seem to have no problem plunking down $4 for a designer cup of coffee. What gives? In the United States, people spend so much time telling themselves they deserve to be pampered, they sometimes forget the basics, says Michael Solomon, a professor of consumer behavior at Auburn University. From cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil to contact solution, American lives are filled with expensive liquids. Fancy-label products aren’t the only items that add up. [1 gallon = 128 fluid ounces; 1 liter = 33.8 fluid ounces]

Coca-Cola (2 liters = 67.628 ounces) – Price: $1.69 – One gallon: $3.20
Pepto Bismol (12 ounces) – Price: $4.99 – One gallon: $41.58 should be $53.23
Castelas Olive Oil (16.8 ounces) – Price: $29.99 – One gallon: $228.50
San Pelligrino (25.3 ounces) – Price: $1.50 – One gallon: $7.59
French’s Yellow Mustard (14 ounces) – Price: $1.25 – One gallon: $11.43
Visine (1 ounce) – Price: $7.39 – One gallon: $945.92
Off mosquito spray (6 ounces) – Price: $5.49 – One gallon: $117.12
Windex (24 ounces) – Price: $3.19 – One gallon: $13.11

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ROAD RAGE

Here’s the top 5 things that make people mad while driving (from a survey of licensed drivers):

No blinker when turning
Slow drivers
Drivers who cut you off
Tailgating
Rude drivers

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

When it’s pizza night and you want the most food for your money, always order a large size — even if you’re eating alone. NPR reporter Quoctrung Bui did the math so you don’t have to. Bui analyzed 74,476 pizza prices from 3,678 pizza restaurants nationwide to find out how the price of pizza changes with the size of the pie. The bottom line, according to NPR: One 16-inch pizza has about the same area as one and one-third 14-inch pizzas or four 8-inch pizzas. It may seem like a 16-inch pizza is twice as large as an 8-inch pizza, but it’s actually four times as big. Here’s the fun part for anyone who enjoys a math puzzle: Since a pizza is a circle, the area increases with the square of the radius. And that is why a larger pizza is a better bargain. The dollars and cents: A 16-inch pizza costs, on average, $16.59. To get the same amount of food buying 8-inch pizzas, you would have to buy four pizzas, which will run you $33, on average. That’s pretty much double the price of a 16-inch pizza. Just don’t blow your diet and eat the entire large pizza in one sitting!

According to some recent research, your hair spray, nail polish, or perfume could add to your diabetes risk, thanks to a class of chemicals called phthalates. You probably haven’t heard of phthalates, a type of chemical found in beauty products, like nail polish, hair spray, skin lotions, and perfumes; and household products, including raincoats, shower curtains, and food packaging. But you should expect to hear a lot more about them soon. Why? Because these chemicals — present in the bodies of every American tested for environmental pollutants, according to a report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — might have some newly discovered side effects, including possibly contributing to chemical causes of diabetes.

Only need a few fingers to count your true friends from high school? That’s good news for your mental health, suggests a new study in Child Development. When researchers studied a group of adolescents for 10 years, they found that those who prioritized more intimate relationships and had just a few close friends in their teens showed lower levels of depression and higher levels of self-worth by age 25 than those who had lots of less-close mates. Now that’s a reason to be glad if you didn’t roll with the popular crowd. (Health)

The University of Maryland Medical Center found: Laughter not only improves your mood it can improve your health. Aside from the rush of those feel good endorphins you get when you giggle, a good laugh also boosts the production of T-cells in the body which helps your immune system fight off disease. A hearty guffaw also appears to be good for your heart. Stress is associated with impairment of the protective barrier lining of our blood vessels. This sets the stage for fat and cholesterol buildup in the coronary arteries and fat and cholesterol buildup in the coronary arteries and eventually a heart attack. But laughter is a surefire stress buster and a great preventative for heart disease. A good chuckle increases circulation and boosts oxygenation by moving the body’s lymph fluid. It also alleviates symptoms of depression, lowers blood pressure and promotes relaxation. ***So be sure to tune in to (JOCK SHOW) – he’s often funny even when he doesn’t try to be!

If you frequently recall your dreams, then it could mean your brain is more active than those who rarely remember them. When you dream, something remarkable happens to your brain. Led by Perrine Ruby of the Lyon Neuroscience Research Center in France, the team conducted brain scans on people while they were both awake and asleep. The results:

Twenty-one of the participants were considered “high dream recallers,” remembering their dreams five mornings a week, on average.
The other 20 volunteers were considered “low dream recallers,” since they remembered their dreams just two mornings a month, on average.
The high dream recallers showed higher levels of activity in two areas of the brain that process information–the medial prefrontal cortex and temporo-parietal junction–both when they were awake and asleep.

The increased brain activity in high dream recallers may cause them to wake up more often during sleep and thereby improve their recollection of dreams.

Another study says that when you sleep, your brain goes into a cleaning frenzy, mopping up gunk and junk that builds up while you’re awake and has the potential to cause Alzheimer’s disease. When you dream, something remarkable happens to your brain. At least, it happens in mice. And the scientists from the University of Rochester Medical Center who led the study, think there is good reason to believe it happens in humans, too, which could provide new clues to treating Alzheimer’s disease, dementia and other mind disorders. In addition, they discovered that brain cells tend to shrink during sleep, which widens the space between the cells — and that allows waste to pass through that space more easily. Lead researcher Dr. Maiken Nedergaard explained that this same type of plumbing system also exists in dogs and baboons, which means it’s logical to think it also exists in the human brain. Why does the “cleaning” only happen during sleep? The brain uses a lot of energy to flush out the junk and gunk, so it’s easier and more efficient to do this task during sleep when the brain isn’t being used for so many other functions.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Good News Network) It has been two years since Isabella Pieri’s mom passed away from a rare illness – but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a community to step in and carry on some of the more female tasks. Isabella’s father has been doing his best to fulfill the responsibilities of both a mother and a father, but there were certain things he could not figure out, such has helping the 11-year-old with her hair. At one point, the youngster’s locks got so tangled that her dad had to give her a hair cut. Once Isabella’s hair had grown out, she became resigned to simply wearing her hair in a no-fuss ponytail – but then she saw her school bus driver, Tracy Dean, braiding another student’s hair. Isabella got the courage to ask the bus driver if she could braid her hair as well; and Dean has been styling her hair every morning since. “You can’t be shy; you’ve got to talk to them,” Dean told KSL. “You treat them like your own kids, you know.” Their morning hair appointments do more than just give Isabella stylish hairdos for the school day, too – they gives her confidence, validation, and a daily dose of tender love from a motherly woman. “It makes me feel like she’s a mom pretty much to me,” Isabella told KSL. “And it makes me excited for the next day…” The Salt Lake City, Utah bus driver says she has had a special connection with the kids since she was diagnosed with breast cancer seven years ago. “I found out I had breast cancer, and that’s one of the things that went through my head — who is going to take care of my little ones? Not that my husband couldn’t do it, but you know, that’s what moms do. They do their kids’ hair,” Dean told the station. (Watch the video: https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/bus-driver-braids-girls-hair-after-mom-passes/)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you happened to drop by the Amsterdam Funeral Show Saturday you were one of the lucky few who got to don virtual reality glasses and watch your own virtual suicide by nitrogen gas – all to imagine a new way of dying! Inventors Alexander Bannink and Philip Nitschke were there to show off a model of their “Sarco,” a 3D-printed euthanasia pod, complete with detachable coffin! Nitschke said, “The person who wants to die presses the button and the capsule is filled with nitrogen.” He or she will feel a bit dizzy but will then rapidly lose consciousness and die.” He says the goal is “to provide people with a death when they wish to die.” The Sarco (short for sarcophagus) is another step in Nitschke’s long journey to make suicide widely available. His earlier devices include a laptop-connected IV system that dispensed lethal barbiturates into the bloodstream (it was used four times in Australia when euthanasia was briefly legal there) and the “exit bag” breathing mask that released carbon monoxide (it never caught on). Nitschke considers suicide a basic right for people healthy or ill and says, “It’s the right of a rational adult to have a peaceful death. Every person over the age of 70 should be able to die.” (Guardian)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

YOU HAVE BEEN IN RADIO SALES TOO LONG WHEN:

You become indignant at Lowes when they won’t throw in free light bulbs with your purchase, as “value added”.
You introduce your children as your “bonus spots”.
You call in sick by saying you’ll be “discreping today”.
You thought Herb Tarlick on WKRP played a “straight-man” role.
You consider a phone number with area code to be one word.
You won’t take the family to 90 percent of the restaurants in town because they’re not your accounts.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

APRIL 20, 2018…

Rampage-–Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is back on the screen with an early try for a spring blockbuster. In this film, Johnson is a Primatologist (no, it is not another political party) and through his life, until now, he is friends with a silver-back gorilla named George. Enter something that alters the equation, yes, the experiment gone awry, and George begins growing larger and larger, and with a bit of a temper, too. Not only that, but other creatures are becoming Godzilla-size and roaming the country. What to do? Well, The Rock can’t wrestle everything to the ground, so there are other measures, but George is special. Also, in the cast are Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Will Yun Lee, Malin Akerman, Marley Shelton and Joe Manganiello. “Rampage” is rated PG 13 for action sequences. Rating of 2 for fans.

Super Troopers 2—This group of police, namely Highway Patrol, are now sent to the border between Canada and the U.S. There is somewhat of a dispute there and a Highway Patrol Station is needed. Can anything go right? The cast includes Rob Lowe, Lynda Carter, Brian Cox and Tyler Labine. “Super Troopers 2” is rated R. No rating.

APRIL 27 2018…

Avengers: Infinity and who hasn’t been waiting for this film? Your favorite comic book characters are back in action to save the world.

Animal Crackers is an animated film about inheriting an old circus. Voices of John Krasinski and Danny DeVito.

I Feel Pretty stars Amy Schumer as a woman who suddenly thinks she is pretty.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.