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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
The station owners are visiting the studio today. (Whisper) We’ve got (JOCK), locked in the Pepsi machine.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.” – Abraham Lincoln
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. –1 Corinthians 1:18
It is written, “As surely as I live,” says the Lord, “every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.” — Romans 14:11
But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream! — Amos 5:24
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. — 1 Timothy 4:12
Thought: The idealistic passions of youth must not be rationalized away or patronizingly pushed to the side. If you are younger, you are not only part of the church of tomorrow, you are also God’s servant today. Serve him mightily and be an example to those who are older! If you are older, don’t look down on the enthusiasm of youth, but encourage it and be inspired to emulate it! Let’s remember, some of our best examples are those who are younger who serve our Lord with a vibrant faith!
Prayer: Father, thank you so much for energetic, enthusiastic, and passionate Christians who are in the younger years of their adulthood. Empower their witness, bless their service, and keep their hearts pure as they grow and mature in your service. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Proverbs 4:27 NIV = Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.
TODAY IS FRIDAY – APRIL 26, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 241 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is LEARN TO MAKE AN APRICOT CREAM PIE DAY. ***Here, I found a recipe for you.
Today is WRITE AN OLD FRIEND DAY. ***I guess that’d be “email” or “text message” nowadays, wouldn’t it? Unless they truly are old, then write to them. You do remember how to do that without an Internet or cell connection, right?
This one is simply beyond bizarre… today is NATURAL LAW DAY, marking this date in 1417 when a chicken in Basel, Switzerland, was burned at the stake for violating natural law by laying a brightly colored egg. The chicken was believed to be an Araucana-Ameraucana Strain, or the “Easter Egg Chicken,” which gets its name from the Indian tribe of Chile where they were first discovered. Araucanas lay colored eggs of blue-green shades from turquoise to deep olive. ***That had to be the best-smelling witch burning ever… I love roasted chicken.
Today is NATIONAL HAIRBALL AWARENESS DAY. ***Have you ever stepped in one? I’m not sure it’s possible to NOT be aware of it.
This is CANADA-U.S. GOODWILL WEEK. U.S. troops invaded Canada on this day in 1813. Trying to control Lake Ontario, the U.S. Army attacked Toronto and burned the provincial parliament. ***Not sure where that “goodwill” part comes in…
TODAY IS ALSO…
Babe Ruth Day
Day of Dialogue
Mantanzas Mule Day
Morse Code Day
National Day of Silence
National Devil Dog Cakes Day
National Little Pampered Dog Day
National Hairball Awareness Day
Undiagnosed Children’s Awareness Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
SATURDAY, APRIL 28
Biological Clock Day
Brave Hearts Day
International Table Top Day
International Sculpture Day
Bob Wills Day
Eeyore’s Birthday Day
National Dance Day
National Go Birding Day
National Herb Day
National Pool Opening Day
National Prepare-A-Thon Day
National Rebuilding Day
National Sense of Smell Day
National Superhero Day
National Take Back Day
Save The Frogs Day
Workers Memorial Day
World Day for Safety and Health at Work
World Healing Day
World Tai Chi & Qigong Day
World Veterinary Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 29
Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare
International Dance Day
Mother, Father Deaf Day
National Pet Parent’s Day
“Peace” Rose Day
Pinhole Photography Day
World Wish Day
MONDAY, APRIL 30
Adopt A Shelter Pet Day
Animal Advocacy Day
Bugs Bunny Day
Day of Vesak
Kiss of Hope Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Bubble Tea Day
National Honesty Day
National Military Brats Day
National Prepareathon Day
Spank Out Day – USA
TUESDAY, MAY 01
Batman Day (Also in September)
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
Executive Coaching Day
Foster Care Day
Global Love Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Workers Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
May One Day
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
World Asthma Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 02
Great American Grump Out
Life Insurance Day
National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy
National (Deaf) Interpreter Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
World Tuna Day
THURSDAY, MAY 03
Garden Meditation Day
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Textiles Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Public Radio Day
SAN Architect Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Day of Prayer
National Day of Reason
World Password Day
FRIDAY, MAY 04
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May the Fourth Be With You!)
International Firefighters Day
International Respect for Chickens Day
International Space Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
National Life Insurance Day
Petite and Proud Day
School Lunch Hero Day
World Give Day
ON THIS DAY
4977 B.C.: The universe was created, at least according to German astronomer Johannes Kepler. ***There’s really no way of knowing exactly when the universe was created unless you were there… and it’s impossible nowadays to get an interview with Regis Philbin.
1667: English poet John Milton sold the copyright to his religious epic Paradise Lost for less than $30. ***Ironic title.
1888: The British oil company Esso was formed in London.
1897: President Grant’s Tomb was formally dedicated. ***I never did find out who was buried there.
1947: It was Babe Ruth Day in every ballpark in organized baseball in the U.S. and Japan. Battling throat cancer, Ruth appeared at Yankee Stadium to thank baseball and its fans for the honor. He died in 1948 at age 53.
1956: At age 32 heavyweight boxing champion Rocky Marciano retired undefeated, the only heavyweight champ with a perfect record. Unbeaten in 49 pro fights. ***That’s in the ring. At home his wife won plenty.
1957: Cubs pitcher Moe Drabowsky was hit on the foot by a pitched ball and fell on the ground in pain. Teammate pitcher Dick Drott immediately borrowed a wheelchair from a handicapped fan, picked up Drabowsky at home plate, and wheeled him to first base. Everyone laughed except plate umpire Stan Landes, who kicked Drott out of the game.
1965: R.C. Duncan patented a revolutionary disposable diaper he called “Pampers.” ***Should new parents use disposable diapers? Absolutely not — they’re intended for the babies.
1967: Heavyweight boxing champ Muhammad Ali refused to be drafted into the U.S. Army. ***The REASON he refused to be drafted? Because he, the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, didn’t believe in violence. Mm, hmm.
1973: Opryland park opened in Nashville.
1976: Ken Redding set a world record in Saratoga Springs, New York, by eating 11 pounds of ice cream in eight minutes. ***It was two records broken at the same time. The other was for the amount of Excedrin Migraine he had to take in order to relieve his “brain freeze.”
1982: South Korean Policeman Wou Bom-Kon killed himself with a grenade after an 8-hour drunken rampage during which he killed 57 people and wounded 35 others with rifles and grenades.
1986: Andoni Dominguez of Vizcaya, Spain, set a world record by eating 2.4 pounds of snails in 65 seconds.
1989: Rocker Jon Bon Jovi and Dorothea Hurley were married. They had been high school sweethearts.
1993: California revoked Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s license to practice medicine. ***And you can’t blame them… he practiced medicine for years and STILL kept losing patients!
1999: Argentine police arrested a blind man driving a pickup truck with the help of his 13-year-old daughter and charged him with dangerous conduct. Police said the man was driving fairly well in the center of Trelew, had recently gone blind from diabetes, and had a valid driver’s license. His car was impounded.
2003: A 28-year-old Italian student took her final law exam in an Arezzo hospital delivery room after authorities said giving birth was not an excuse to miss the test. Eight law school examiners gave the 30-minute oral exam. A couple of hours after acing the exam, the new lawyer gave birth to a healthy daughter.
2006: Construction began on the 1,776-foot Freedom Tower that will stand on the site of the World Trade Center in New York City.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1667: Blind, bitter, and poor, Puritan poet John Milton sells for ten pounds the copyright for Paradise Lost—a book that would influence English thought and language nearly as much as the King James Version and the plays of Shakespeare. The theme of the epic appears in its opening lines: “Of man’s disobedience, and the fruit / Of that forbidden tree, whose mortal taste / Brought death into the world, and all our woe, / With loss of Eden.
1775: Moravian minister and missionary Peter Boehler dies. He met John Wesley in 1737 while both were sailing to minister in America, and his assurance of faith and belief in joyous, instantaneous conversion left a permanent mark on Wesley.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actor (Matt Burke on “Two of a Kind,” Josh on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”) David Lascher 45 (audio clip)
actor (“Firefly”, “Castle”) Nathan Fillion, 47
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1904 : Syd Nathan
1932 : Maxine Brown (The Browns)
1932 : Casey Kasem
1933 : Calvin Newborn
1944 : Cuba Gooding, Sr. (The Main Ingredient)
1947 : Pete Ham (Badfinger)
1947 : Ann Peebles
1947 : Herbie Murrell (The Stylistics)
1947 : Gordon Haskell
1947 : Dave Peel
1949 : Clive Taylor (Amen Corner)
1951 : Ace Frehley (Kiss), (Paul Frehley)
1958 : Kate Pierson (The B-52’s)
1959 : Sheena Easton
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
How do they make mirrors?
You may not like looking at yourself in the mirror, but that doesn’t change the fact that mirrors exist… sorry! Since ancient Egypt, when people used shiny metal to bring themselves face to face with their face, we’ve used mirrors to keep an eye on ourselves. Commercial glass mirrors were first produced in 16th century Venice. It was the Renaissance, when realistic portraits came into vogue and literature and philosophy were suddenly emphasizing the individual. The mirror glass was backed by a mixture of mercury and tin, a method that was used until the 19th century, when a chemically treated silver-ammonia compound replaced it. The backing, supported and protected by the glass, reflects the image.
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
A federal appeals court has unanimously ruled that animals may not sue for copyright protection. The ruling came in the case of a monkey that took selfies with a wildlife photographer’s camera. The photographer later published the photos. An animal rights group sued, charging the monkey owned the copyright because it took the pictures. ***Well then, it was the animal rights group that sued – not the animal. I mean, if a monkey itself is capable of calling a lawyer and filing a lawsuit, I say we hear him out.
Apple CEO Tim Cook had a private meeting yesterday with President Trump. ***It was a short meeting though – it doesn’t take a lot of time to say, “Have you tried turning it on and off yet?”
If you’re considering taking one of the many jobs currently open in the Trump administration and want to get – and keep – President Trump’s attention on a particular subject, the best way to do so is reportedly by using charts, graphs, maps and pictures. ***Gee – while we’re at it, why not just make it into a coloring book?
Spotify is testing a filter that blocks swearing in songs. ***So many words end up being blocked in rap songs that it sounds like you’re listening to Morse Code.
A guy in Australia was lucky to escape unharmed after his attempt to recharge his mobile phone battery — in a microwave oven. Firefighters were called to the man’s home after the battery exploded inside the oven, causing smoke to pour out of the appliance. ***What a moron! We all know that only works if you put your phone in a bowl of water first – then microwave it!
A study says being cold can help with weight loss. ***Which is why I’ve traded in my breakfast shakes for ice cream shakes.
For his 98th birthday on Tuesday, Bill Grun checked off one major bucket list item — becoming a construction worker. At a place called Diggerland in West Berlin, New Jersey, Bill got his wish to operate some heavy equipment. ***Although, I’d think at the age of ninety-eight, even lifting your fork would be considered operating heavy equipment.
The other day, the Chicago Sun Times left its frontpage blank as a plea to get subscribers. ***How do you expect to get people to subscribe to a paper that has nothing written on it? We can get that anytime by opening the drawer of the office printer.
Police in Tulsa responded to a call about a disturbance in the Woodland Hills Mall. They were not disappointed. It seems a man and a woman who dipped their marijuana joint in a cup of PCP and then smoked it, decided to take off their clothes then run through Macy’s. Corporal Brian Collum said when officers found the couple they were hugging each other. He added that Macy’s employees had wrapped a towel around both of the idiots. They also said the man destroyed plastic displays, broke glass, and cut his arm. Both were taken to the hospital to be checked out. They could be booked on complaints of indecent exposure, vandalism and public intoxication. ***And no doubt making sexual advances towards a mannequin.
Are you a fan of the TV series “Lethal Weapon?” First, it hasn’t been renewed for a third season. But more importantly, if it does return, it may do so without Clayne Crawford, who plays Martin Riggs. According to FOX, he has exhibited a “history of bad behavior” on the series, which has resulted in him being “disciplined several times over complaints of emotional abuse and creating a hostile environment.” ***So, essentially, he’s turned into Mel Gibson.
For all of you trying to become the next internet viral sensation, it only took Forrest Hunter eight seconds. After becoming exasperated waiting for someone to help him in a Lawrenceburg, KY Walmart store, he finally picked up the store intercom phone and announced: “Customer needs assistance in sporting goods, please? I’m the customer!” He also made a video of his announcement which has been viewed more than 2.6 million times last time we checked on Facebook. Hunter later told local reporters he didn’t get in any trouble. “A guy walked up and asked if I needed any help. I said, ‘How’d you know?’ Then I bought my hunting license.” ***So… a rebel with a gun. What could possibly go wrong?
Hank Azaria says he’d be all for giving up the voice of Apu on “The Simpsons,” as there’s been a wave of complaints that it’s a very stereotypical character and racially insensitive. ***Because, as we all know, when it comes to being sensitive and politically correctly, you can’t do any better than “The Simpsons.”
A guy who stole some fajitas was just sentenced to 50 years in prison. Yes, it was a whole lot of fajitas – $1.2 million bucks worth to be exact! Last summer officers found fajitas in the fridge of Gilberto Escamilla, a then-employee of the Cameron County Juvenile Justice Department, who later admitted to stealing and reselling the marinated meat over several years. ***Even stranger – who knew there would be a black market for jailhouse fajitas?
William and Kate’s latest addition to the royal family is the largest baby born to the royals in the past 100 years. ***You can tell the kid could someday be king – he’s already sitting around with a giant turkey leg in his fist.
Using the huge telescope on Hawaii’s Mauna Kea volcano, scientists have discovered the world’s most obvious space joke. “Uranus smells like farts” is an actual, and correct, headline making the rounds these days. It seems the seventh planet from the sun does indeed smell like rotten eggs, which scientists figured out by using the spectrometer on the Gemini North telescope. They found that the planet’s clouds are made up mostly of the smelly gas hydrogen sulfide. ***So I guess we won’t need to change the name of Uranus after all – the joke works!
There are concerns about Kanye West’s health after he abruptly fired his manager Scooter Braun and a “friend” claimed West had been addicted to opioids. ***I’m sorry to hear that – but if this is true, how do they explain Kanye’s behavior the rest of the time?
Want to see 16 sunrises in one day? Float in zero gravity? Be one of the few to have gazed upon our home planet from space? The Aurora Station will be the world’s first luxury hotel in OUTER SPACE! Developed by US-based space technology start-up Orion Span, the fully modular space station will host six people at a time, including two crew members, for 12-day trips of space travel. It plans to welcome its first guests in 2022. CEO Frank Bunger says, “Our goal is to make space accessible to all.” Upon launch, Aurora Station goes into service immediately, bringing travelers into space quickly and at a lower price point than ever seen before.” So what is that low, low price point? Well, a 12-day roundtrip adventure will only set you back $9.5 MILLION! ***So… Mr. Bunger’s definition of “accessible to all” is a lot different than everyone else’s.
Comcast has made a $31 million bid to buy British broadcaster Sky. ***Let’s hope they don’t rename the combined companies “Skynet”.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
A new study finds that dogs are capable of lying. ***Which we all should’ve known already. You give him treats, then he goes to someone else in the house and begs for treats as if he never got any from you.
Scientists now tell us that your body literally glows, emitting a visible light in extremely small quantities at levels that rise and fall with the day. Past research has shown that the body emits visible light, 1,000 times less intense than the levels to which our naked eyes are sensitive. In fact, virtually all living creatures emit very weak light, which is thought to be a byproduct of biochemical reactions involving free radicals. ***Whew! That was a close one. My boss told me I was glowing just yesterday and I thought I was pregnant!
A recent study shows that knocking on wood and throwing salt over your shoulder “can reverse bad luck”. ***Also, they’re the only treatments covered under some PPOs.
A socialist political party is pressing to give human rights to apes. ***Bad idea. Have these people never SEEN a “Planet of the Apes” movie?
Research (from King’s College in Pennsylvania) shows four out of five college student drivers have texted while driving. Previous research suggests that texting slows driver reaction times more than being drunk. ***So, college students, please do the responsible thing – put down the mobile phone. We’d actually prefer you drink rather than text. No, wait…
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
CLOSE: I have no idea what Gruffy is talking about. Sounds like a fierce game of checkers is about to take place though! What do you think will happen between Gruffy and Sully that will make Sully angry though? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
A man tries not to get a speeding ticket from an automated camera – but ends up getting 23 speeding tickets!
A Netherlands man decided to defeat an automated camera used to catch speeders. His plan was to speed past the camera 23 times on his motorcycle, covering his license plate with his hand, expecting that the camera would run out of film. What he did not realize was that the camera can take 800 pictures on a roll of film. So when he passed yet again, with his license plate NOT covered by his hand, the police had all the evidence they needed to give him not one, but 23 speeding tickets in the mail… totaling $4,526. Duh!
TOP TEN REASONS CATS MAKE BETTER PREACHERS THAN DOGS
10. Preachers have a hard enough time getting to the point, do you really want one who likes to chase his tail?
9. Cats aren’t in the Bible, therefore, there is no conflict of interest!
8. Dogs can preach OK, but the panting and tail wagging is so distracting!
7. Studies show that “marking” one’s congregation is a substantial barrier to church growth!
6. Playing with yarn has so many spiritual applications!
5. No one likes to be barked at!
4. Purring has calmed many a contentious annual meeting!
3. Most dogs have a hard time distinguishing between ushers and mailmen!
2. Do you really want to smell “wet dog” after every baptism? — let alone having to deal with the dry-off spray!
1. Cats know lots about free will!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
When someone suggests that you take the bus – they don’t mean that you should literally TAKE the bus.
FILE #1: In Memphis, Tennessee, Allen Glazier was caught driving a stolen Greyhound bus. He stole his first bus in Kansas, drove it to Jackson, Mississippi, where he stole another bus, drove it to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and stole yet another Greyhound and drove it to Memphis. It was a stop at a truck stop that got him in trouble. After filling up the bus, Glazier told the attendant to “bill it to Greyhound.” While he was waiting for his receipt, the cops were called.
FILE #2: Here’s a story with two morals: don’t drink, and don’t rob houses! An alleged burglar in Romania was caught by the owners after falling asleep in the house he was robbing. The 29-year-old broke into the house where he found two bottles of liquor. Believing the owners would not be back for a while, he decided to have a quick drink while watching television and drifted off. When the owners returned they called the police who arrested the sleeping robber without any difficulties.
FILE #3: An Iowa man ended up in hospital after a fight over whether to watch TV in a nightspot. Police in Des Moines say the man was trying to keep a TV turned on at Estrada’s restaurant, but another man turned it off and an argument began which spilled outside. Two opposing groups began fighting and 31-year-old Edin Rekanovic was hit over the head by people armed with bats and clubs.
STRANGE LAW: It is against the law to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool in Baldwin Park, California.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
Apparently a seeing-eye dog doesn’t work if you’re drunk… and behind the wheel of a car.
An ill-advised trip on golf cart ended with a long drive into a rough spot when a blind man — accompanied by his guide dog — steered the vehicle along two miles of winding paths in Peachtree City, Georgia. Peachtree City, about 25 miles south of Atlanta, has about 80 miles of paved cart paths and 9,000 registered carts that residents use for daily tasks like going to the grocery or taking children to school. But it was never intended to be used by the blind driving golf carts (who would ever create anything for that?) Police say a drunken friend, Michael Johnston, gave instructions to the blind man, Samuel McClain, to enable him to negotiate the twists and turns of the paved path. Also riding in the cart was McClain’s guide dog, a golden retriever. The journey came to a sudden end when McClain rammed the cart into a parked car. ***MARLAR: He’s now claiming it isn’t his fault, as his dog didn’t tell him to swerve.
If we could only deduct ____ our family would NEVER owe taxes…ever! (Peanut butter? Doritos? Diapers? Car repairs?)
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who wanted to marry Dinah, Jacob’s daughter?
ANSWER: Shechem (Genesis 34:8)
QUESTION: The Hollywood Sign in California was first erected in what year?
ANSWER: The Hollywood sign was first erected in 1923. It was first erected as “Hollywoodland.”
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The Wayside Inn, founded in 1408, is America’s oldest inn still in operation. (False, it was founded in 1702, in Massachussetts)
2. The first umbrella factory in the U.S. in 1928. (True)
3. The most common denominational preference of U.S. presidents has been Episcopalian. (True)
4. Donald Duck has a sister named Ducklingling. (False, her name is Dumbella)
5. According to the song “A Pirate’s Life for Me,” the pirates are still loved by their “mommies and dads.” (True)
6. In addition to the movie “Ratatouille,” the movies “Aristocat” and “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” also take place in Paris. (True)
7. North Dakota’s state flower is the red clover. (False, but Vermont’s is)
8. John Wesley Powell, who explored the Colorado River and the Grand Canyon in the 1860s, had only one arm. (True)
9. The National Geographic Society is the largest nonprofit scientific and educational institution in the world. (True)
10. Actress Cameron Diaz, as an 11-month-old, was featured in a TV commercial for Gainesburger puppy food. (False, that was Drew Barrymore)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
FEATHERED _______ (DINOSAUR)
A close cousin of Tyrannosaurus rex discovered in China is the biggest feathered dinosaur ever found.
The huge predator Yutyrannus Huali measured almost 30 feet and weighed more than a tonne – it’s 40 times heavier than any previous feathered dinosaurs.
Like T. rex it was a formidable predator, but – unlike its famous relative – was covered in downy feathers.
Scientists believe the feathers had no connection with flight and would have been used to keep the animal warm.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
After a long, bumpy flight, air passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the attendants checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, the pilot found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying “Much love, Mom.” Quickly, he gave the bag to one of the gate agents in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: “Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?”
The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize… you guessed it…. his three cats in the bathtub. The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled. The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the “ceremony.” But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy’s face. Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said, “Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!”
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month’s outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.
After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him–he sauntered in. “Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?”
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
British doctors say many women who try to juggle family and career are suffering from a new malady called “stressorxia,” or losing weight because they’re too busy to eat properly. ***Check it out – stress has a GOOD side!
A study in Britain suggests that the idea of a “male menopause” may actually be a myth promoted by drug companies. ***So my mood swings and hot flashes are caused by something else?!?!
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?” demanded the coach.
“Well” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
MAN GETS BEAT FOR ORDERING A THICKER SHAKE FROM McDONALDS
A Michigan man says when he complained to the employees of a Detroit McDonald’s that his milk shake was watery, they beat him up. He’s now suing the hamburger giant and the franchise owner. The $100 million lawsuit says that Alfred Pointer and his wife, Tijuana, went through the drive-up and ordered several items — including a milk shake. Pointer complained his shake was watery and allegedly was instructed to park and enter the restaurant. The suit said the manager and several workers then started beating him and that, when his wife intervened, she was beaten as well. Pointer says as a result of the beating, he has suffered partial blindness. ***MARLAR: Boy, when they say, “You deserve a break today,” they literally mean it!
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy.” Proverbs 13:12. Christ certainly felt the burden of a city that refused His grace (Luke 19:41). Jerusalem had every opportunity to repent, having seen great miracles and having heard the Lord’s greatest sermons. The knowledge that Jerusalem would finally reject and crucify Him caused Jesus to weep over a lost opportunity. Paul also felt heartsick over Israel’s rejection of the Gospel: “My heart is filled with bitter sorrow and unending grief for my people, my Jewish brothers and sisters. I would be willing to be forever cursed—cut off from Christ!—if that would save them” (Romans 9:2-3). Have you ever thought that a certain person would surely repent after hearing a particular sermon or experiencing an especially painful situation in his life, and yet he did not? Intercession can arise from deferred hope, knowing that God is waiting to bless, but human beings are resisting. The pain and agony of watching others miss God’s best in their lives should be turned into a continual prayer on their behalf. Keep on standing for your lost loved ones. As long as they are alive and breathing, there is still hope. Imagine the joy you will experience when they turn their lives over to God!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: Luke 11:1-13
As He was praying in a certain place, . . . one of His disciples said to Him, “Lord, teach us to pray.” —Luke 11:1
The president of a large company wanted to talk to the factory’s manager about an urgent matter. But the manager’s secretary said, “He cannot be disturbed. He’s in conference—as he is every day at this time.”
“Tell him the president wants to see him,” the man responded impatiently.
The secretary firmly replied, “I have strict orders, Sir, not to disturb him while he is in conference.”
Angrily, the man brushed past the secretary and opened the door to the manager’s office. After one quick look he backed out, gently closed the door, and said, “I’m sorry!” The president had found his manager on his knees in front of his open Bible.
The purpose of a daily devotional time is to stimulate regular, intimate meetings with the King of kings. We need to seek new orders and instructions each day from the One who has planned our lives and provided for our needs.
Jesus Himself spent regular time in prayer and inspired His disciples to pray (Luke 11:1). He gave them what we know as The Lord’s Prayer and told them to keep asking, seeking, and knocking (vv.9-10).
Have you spent time in conference with God today? It’s never too late to start. —M. R. De Haan, M.D.
Begin the day with God,
Kneel down to Him in prayer;
Lift up your heart to His abode,
And seek His love to share. —Anon.
Begin the day with prayer; end it with praise.
A 90-year-old woman is locked in a bank vault all night!
A 90-year-old woman was released after accidentally getting herself locked in a bank’s vault overnight. Police called off their search for the woman after bank staff found her when they arrived for work. They say the woman was in a good condition when she emerged from the vault. It appears she was inside looking at the contents of her safety deposit box when staff closed the door at the end of the business day.
LIFE… LIVE IT
GO TO CHURCH AND LIVE LONGER
There’s a study that shows those who attend church regularly live 10% longer than those who never attend services! The life expectancy for regular churchgoers is 82, and 83 for those who attend more than once a week. Non churchgoers live an average of only 75 years.
JUST FOR FUN
How many times have you watched your favorite movie? Twenty? Fifty? Maybe a hundred times? One man has rented a Rambo movie to watch every night for the past 10 years!
Rudy Wajzchek rents a movie every single day. A ‘Rambo’ movie. He’s been doing this for several years. Rudy has seen every one of the ‘Rambo’ movies hundreds of times. He knows all the dialog by heart. In 1991, the bus driver won a VCR in a contest, his prize included a free movie rental per day–for life. Rudy’s wife left him 7 years ago–she said she couldn’t take it anymore. The video rental store offered to give him free copies of all the Rambo movies–but Rudy says he enjoys dropping by the store each day after work. Has he ever considered renting a non-Rambo movie? No. Rudy says the store once mistakenly put a Steve Martin comedy in the box–but he took it back. After ten years of watching Rambo every night, Rudy says he still enjoys the action in the movies–and he may one day write a fan letter to Sylvester Stallone. ***MARLAR: And he promises to continue watching the movies until he can finally figure out what Sylvester Stallone is saying.
REASONS FOR SITTING AT THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH
Statistics show that the front of the church building is the safest in the event of natural disaster.
You can see if anything’s caught between the preacher’s teeth. Then watch him as you smile and point.
There’s still a lot of padding in these seats since they’re almost like new.
You only have to comb the back of your hair and iron the back of your shirt or blouse.
It’s easier to trip the Ushers and Deacons.
No one will hear your stomach make all those “alien” noises.
You’re the Treasurer and want to keep your eye on the collection.
You want to justify that feeling you’ve always had that everyone’s looking at you.
You’re mad at everyone in the church and want to make sure no one sits beside you.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Is red meat really bad for the environment?
Some say that you can help the environment by cutting red meat from your diet and instead eating chicken, fish or vegetables. While the green crowd has urged people to buy more locally produced food because it requires less fuel for shipping, a new study has found you can help the environment even more by skipping red meat. According to a new study, the production of red meat is nearly 150 percent more greenhouse-gas-intensive than chicken or fish. The good news for beef lovers is that even if you skip it just one day a week you’ll eliminate more greenhouse gasses than you would by buying all your food from local sources. ***MARLAR: So I can shop locally or give up prime rib? Hmm… I guess gas prices aren’t THAT bad.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
A university department’s worth of studies all suggest that our Internet-enabled devices are making us miserable. Jean Twenge, Ph.D., a psychology professor at San Diego State, says there aren’t a lot of studies on adults, but “for teens, the negative effects of screens start showing up after two hours a day use during leisure time.” Twenge is the author of “iGen: Why Todays Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood.” It’s important to keep in mind, Twenge says, that “it’s not just that screens have negative effects. It’s that they leave less time for activities that make us happier, like exercise or seeing friends in person.” Younger, developing brains are especially vulnerable: Teens who use electronic devices for three hours a day or longer are 35 percent more suicide-prone than those who come in under three hours. That’s according to Twenge’s book, which uses data from Monitoring the Future, a survey that’s been tracking young people since 1975. The survey also found, says Twenge, that eighth graders who spend six to nine hours a week on social media are 47 percent less likely to be happy than those spending fewer than six hours a week. And in August, the Wall Street Journal ran an article claiming that Generation Z kids are so unaccustomed to any input not from a phone that doorbells scare the crap out of them.
Stress is often worst at the end of the day. The boss. The workload. The commute. The kids. You know what you should do when you just can’t take it anymore? Fill the kitchen sink with suds and wash the dishes. Mindfully washing dishes calms the mind and decreases stress. The key word in that last sentence is “mindfully.” Florida State University researchers found that washing dishes can be used as an informal contemplative practice that promotes a positive state of mindfulness–that is, a meditative method of focusing attention on the emotions and thoughts of the present moment. How do you wash dishes mindfully? Focus. Instead of thinking about how to deal with your bad boss or the kids’ hectic schedule, focus on the smell of the soap, the warmth of the water and the feel of the dishes. In the FSU study with 51 students, the researchers, led by Adam Hanley, found that those who were mindful dishwashers reported a decrease in nervousness by 27 percent and an increase in mental inspiration by 25 percent. Meanwhile, the control group experienced no benefits (other than clean dishes).
Look into a puppy’s sweet and beguiling eyes, and what happens? You melt all over, right? There is a reason for this: When you gaze into a puppy’s eyes, your body releases a surge of oxytocin, a hormone that leads to bonding, trust and altruism, according to researchers from Azabu University in Sagamihara, Japan. Oxytocin is the hormone that promotes maternal bonding, and the “oxytocin loop” between dogs and their owners was found to be comparable to that of a mother and her baby. When a mother stares into her newborn baby’s eyes, both of them experience an increase in oxytocin and that leads to feelings of bonding and love. The same thing appears to happen to humans and their dogs. The study found that among the dogs and owners who spent a lot of time gazing at each other, the dogs experienced a 130 percent rise in oxytocin levels during interaction with their owners, with oxytocin rising a huge 300 percent among owners during this time. There was no oxytocin increase in the dogs or owners who did not make a lot of eye contact.
Skin care products don’t always come in expensive bottles. They can also come in the produce section of your favorite grocery store. A 99-cent tomato may be all you need to make your skin glow. “We are what we eat,” Dr. Vikram Khanna, a dermatologist at Advocate Good Shepherd Hospital in Barrington, Illinois, told the Chicago Tribune. “Vitamins such as zinc, copper and vitamin C, along with amino acids from proteins, build our collagen and give it structural strength. They also contribute to our ability to heal the skin. But here’s the catch: Vitamins work best for skin care when they come from food instead of supplements. “A diet balanced in protein and critical nutrients and antioxidants derived from green vegetables will boost the immune functioning of the skin,” says Khanna. “A balanced, healthy diet makes your skin healthy and beautiful.”
Stress can make you fat. Why? It’s biological. When your life is filled with stress and anxiety, your body produces high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, and British researchers have discovered there is a link between cortisol and excess weight. Cortisol is triggered when you experience the “flight-or-fight” response to danger. And while it’s helpful in short doses when real and sudden danger occurs, it is harmful when it is present in the body for long periods of time. A study found that those with higher cortisol levels tended to have larger waist circumferences, which was defined as more than 40 inches for men and more than 35 inches for women, as well as higher BMIs and body fat. In addition, higher levels of cortisol were linked to a higher risk of being obese for both men and women. Important caveat: Although the study found an association between cortisol and obesity, it did not prove a cause-and-effect link. But it is likely that a high level of stress leads some people to overeat as a way to compensate and that causes the excess weight gain.
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
It was Jessica Rudeen’s first time flying with a toddler and baby in tow – and if it had not been for a compassionate stranger seated next to her, it may have been a complete disaster. Due to “unforeseen circumstances”, Rudeen was unable to breastfeed her 4-month-old son before boarding the plane. As the hungry infant started to scream in distress, the mother’s 3-year-old daughter named Caroline started to kick and cry about how she wanted to get off the plane. “I honestly thought we’d get kicked off the plane,” Rudeen wrote on Facebook. “So with two kids losing their minds, I was desperately trying to calm the situation.” Thankfully, Rudeen was fortunate enough to be seated next to a man named Todd. “(Todd) reached for the baby and held him while I forced a seatbelt on Caroline, got her tablet and started her movie. Once she was settled and relatively calmed, he distracted her so that I could feed Alexander,” says Rudeen. “Finally, while we were taxiing, the back of the plane no longer had screams. “During the flight, he colored and watched a movie with Caroline, he engaged in conversation and showed her all the things outside. By the end of the flight, he was Caroline’s best friend. I’m not sure if he caught the kiss she landed on his shoulder while they were looking out the window.” Not only that, but Todd was serendipitously booked for the same connecting flight from Charlotte, North Carolina to Wilmington – a flight that he “navigates frequently for work”. With his new toddler friend in hand, Todd guided the family through the airport to the right gate. “If that wasn’t enough, he changed his seat on the next flight to sit in our row to help us,” says Rudeen. She later posted photos of Todd and Caroline to Facebook so she could praise him for his extraordinary generosity. “This guy, Todd, showed me kindness and compassion that I’ve never known from another person. His wife, he said, had a similar experience when their two boys were young and a stranger showed her the same kindness. “I am blown away by God’s hand in this because we could have been placed next to anyone, but we were seated next to one of the nicest men I have ever met in my life.” (Good News Network)
(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
On a Delta flight from London to Salt Lake City, Sarah Beach allegedly poured coffee on passengers, knocked over a drink cart and repeatedly ran up and down the aisle! After the initial chaos took place, she was requested to sit next to an air marshal seated in the back of the plane. She was initially cooperative, but after a trip back from the bathroom she reportedly approached the marshal from behind and jumped on his back while grabbing his “head, neck and jaw line.” A second marshal pulled her off of the other man and then put her in handcuffs for the remainder of the flight. She was ultimately arrested for misdemeanor assault. According to one witness who talked to Beach, the 45-year-old woman stated that she has “a lot going on in her life,” but didn’t give any further details.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.” –Pancho Villa (last words)
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 27, 2018…
Avengers: Infinity War—The blockbuster spring/summer season is starting early with this comic book character-driven film. Just about everyone who can hold a script and wear a costume is in the film, such as Karen Gillan, Elizabeth Olson, Josh Brolin (as Thanos the villain), Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) and Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. Plus, as they used to say in the old movie epics, “a cast of thousands.” Actually, now, computerization takes care of that. The basic plot is that things have been going smoothly for the dynamic ones, until Thanos decides he wants all the Infinity Stones to rule the world, and away he goes. Then, the fate of Earth is in the hands of…you guessed it. “Avengers: Infinity War” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Animal Crackers—An animated film about what happens when you are suddenly gifted (inheritance) a circus, but it turns out it is a broken-down circus. What to do? The usual ads are working, but suddenly, the new owner finds a box of “magic crackers” and finds he can become any animal he wants. Hmm. Voices of John Krasinki, Emily Blunt, Danny De Vito and Ian McKellan as the villain (and there always is one.) “Animal Crackers” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for circus fans.
I Feel Pretty—Amy Schumer stars in this film about an insecure woman who thinks no one sees her at all. After a fall, Amy wakes up thinking she is a beautiful woman and that now people will REALLY see her. Kind of like the “Emperor’s New Clothes.” Also in the cast are Michelle Will, Busy Phillips, Lauren Hutton and Tom Hopper. “I Feel Pretty” is rated PG 13. No rating.
MAY 04, 2018…
Overboard is a remake of the Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn film of clashing personalities. This one stars Anna Faris.
The Bad Samaritan has a thief discovering a drastic secret in one of the houses he chooses to rob. Stars David Tennant.
Son Of Bigfoot is an animated film of a teenager trying to find his father. Voice of Pappy Faulkner.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.