NOTE: You may have noticed the slight changes to the welcome page for ONAIRprep – primarily, the green “Member Entrance” button and the red “Member Login” button. You will need to begin using these buttons on Monday, May 4TH as we revert back to using unique usernames and passwords to gain admittance to the prep pages. Be on the lookout for an email with more information about this important and overdue change.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
This just in, a former top White House adviser has confirmed — stopping (THE JOCK SHOW) is not a priority for the Obama administration.
I majored in radio for a very good reason — I couldn’t spell business administration.
This show has more laughs than the men’s room at the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
[Jesus said,] “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” — Matthew 28:18-20
If, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life. — Romans 5:10
HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. — James 1:26
Thought: “It’s no big deal!” That’s the whine of a believer rationalizing vulgar, inappropriate, or hurtful speech. However, a friend confessed to me a long time ago, “Our moral plunge in the office began when we let our language slip. It didn’t seem like that big a deal at the time, but what it led to was disastrous.” Religion that is not reflected in everyday speech is empty and hollow. So let’s use our speech to bless and encourage, not to curse, slander, or gossip.
Prayer: Holy and incomparable God, please forgive me for not using my speech redemptively. Forgive me for the times I’ve used my words to wound another or in ways that dishonor you and your holy claim on my life. Use my words today to bless, encourage, and comfort so others may know your grace through me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY
Galatians 4:28 NIV = Now you, brothers and sisters, like Isaac, are children of promise.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – APRIL 28, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 242 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is HAIR STYLIST APPRECIATION DAY. ***MARLAR: I’d like to thank my hairstylists, Barnum and Bailey…
Today is CHICKEN TICKLIN’ DAY. ***MARLAR: Chickens are ticklish?
Today is RIP CORD DAY, marking the first successful parachute jump opening the parachute with a rip cord on this day in 1919 by Leslie Erwin of the U.S. Army Air Corps. Of course the BIG question is, “Why do they skydivers yell, ‘Geronimo’ when jumping out of a plane? Well, I’ve done some research and have found the answer…
While the first successful parachute happened in 1919, it took us until 1940 to come up with “Geronimo!” It’s kind of an interesting story, actually. Mostly, it’s because yelling “Geronimo” beats screaming “I want my mommy!”
“Geronimo!” is attributed to Aubrey Eberhardt, a member of the U.S. Army’s parachute “test platoon” at Fort Benning, Georgia, in 1940. To speed up the drops, the brass decided to try a mass jump, in which the men would jump from the plane in quick succession. The men were nervous about this, and to relieve the tension a group of them went to see a western at the post movie house the night before the jump. The movie featured the cavalry mixing it up with the famous Apache chief Geronimo. None of our sources said exactly what movie this was, but one supposes it was Geronimo (1939) with Andy Devine and Gene Lockhart.
After the movie, strolling back to camp, Private Eberhardt announced that he expected the next day’s jump to be no different than any other. His friends immediately began to razz him, saying he’d be so scared he’d barely remember his name. This ticked off the six-foot-eight Eberhardt, so he declared, “All right, I tell you jokers what I’m gonna do! To prove to you that I’m not scared out of my wits when I jump, I’m gonna yell `Geronimo’ loudly when I go out that door tomorrow!”
By the next morning everyone had heard about Eberhardt’s promise. The lead plane flew over the field, and as the chutes popped open, the guys on the ground could clearly hear a shout of “Geronimo!” followed by an Indian war whoop. Eberhardt had made good on his boast and the unofficial yell of U.S. airborne troops had been born.
But what if the men hadn’t seen Geronimo at the movies the night before? In the theatres at the same time was The Wizard of Oz – which might have inspired the soldiers to yell, “Follow the yellow brick road!”
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Biological Clock Day
Workers Memorial Day
COMING UP NEXT
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29
Peace Rose Day
Adopt a Shelter Pet Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 30
Bugs Bunny Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Honesty Day
Spank Out Day (USA)
FRIDAY, MAY 01
Executive Coaching Day
Keep Kids Alive, Drive 25 Day
National Bubba Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
SATURDAY, MAY 02
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
SUNDAY, MAY 03
Garden Meditation Day
International Baby Lost Mother’s Day (Bereaved Mothers Day)
Lumpy Rug Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of the Bikes Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Infertility Survival Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Public Radio Day
World Press Freedom Day
MONDAY, MAY 04
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May The Fourth Be With You)
International Respect for Chickens Day
Petite and Proud Day
World Give Day
TUESDAY, MAY 05
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
National Teacher Day
Totally Chipotle Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
ON THIS DAY
1789: There was a mutiny on HMS Bounty as the crew of the British ship set Captain William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific.
1984: “Mama He’s Crazy” by the Judds entered the country music charts. Nurse Naomi had given the tape, made on a $30 Kmart cassette recorder, to a producer’s daughter, who was in the hospital.
1986: Crook & Chase, Lorianne and Charley, debuted on The Nashville Network.
1988: The Baltimore Orioles lost their 21st straight game, a major league record. The Orioles finally won their first game of the season the next day.
1991: The Strippers Hall of Fame opened in Helendale, California. Featured displays included the silver sequined pasties worn by Jennie “The Bazoom Girl” Lee and Jayne Mansfield’s pink sofa.
1991: A young man in Prague painted the last Soviet tank in Czechoslovakia pink. He showed police a fake work order from the city government authorizing the job.
1992: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,107,620) to Richard Mahan of Houston for his Electric Tablecloth, a battery-powered table cover designed to discourage insects from landing or walking on the table.
1992: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,109,421) to Douglas Fox of Van Nuys, California, for his Maternity Stereo Belt, a belt with a built-in stereo system to be worn by expectant mothers to entertain and educate unborn children.
1996: The city of Paris re-opened 18,771 trash cans to combat a growing litter problem. The receptacles had been sealed for months as a precaution against the depositing of terrorists bombs.
1999: Twenty-five San Diego State University students, about a third of their class, got an “F” for cheating. Seems they’d found the answers to a quiz and passed them around. The course? Business Ethics.
2000: On his 50th birthday, comedian Jay Leno got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
2002: The westbound lanes of Interstate 80 west of Green River, Wyoming, were closed for an hour after a semi truck with a trailer full of Hormel chili and another truck collided. Chili cans smashed through the trailer, broke open, and covered the pavement with slippery beans and meat. Quick thinking officials cleaned up the mess with a snowplow.
2005: Police and dozens of volunteers in Duluth, Georgia, searched for Jennifer Wilbanks, a bride-to-be who vanished two days earlier. Wilbanks became known as the “Runaway Bride” after running away on her own to Albuquerque, New Mexico.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1789: In the South Pacific, a band of hedonistic sailors stages the famous mutiny on the Bounty. The mutineers then sailed to uninhabited Pitcairn Island, where they soon fell into drinking and fighting. Only one man and several women (taken earlier as slaves) and children survived. The man, Alexander Smith, discovered the ship’s neglected Bible, repented, and transformed the community. The Bible is still on display in a Pitcairn church.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Gothika, Vanilla Sky, All the Pretty Horses) Penelope Cruz 41
- actress (Laquita on “Martin,” Nina Campbell on “3rd Rock From The Sun”) Simbi Khali 44 (audio clip)
- actress (Laura Roslin on the new “Battlestar Galactica,” the First Lady Marilyn Whitmore in Independence Day, Eleanor Carter on “E.R.”) Mary McDonnell 62 (audio clip)
- comedian (host of “The Tonight Show”) Jay Leno is 65
- actress (The Santa Clause 3, Any Given Sunday, Grumpy Old Men, Grumpier Old Men, A Streetcar Named Desire, Bye-Bye-Birdie, Viva Las Vegas) Ann-Margaret 74
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1924 : Blossom Dearie
1938 : Duane Eddy
1941 : Ann-Margret
1943 : Fantastic Johnny C
1945 : John Wolters (Dr. Hook)
1952 : Kim Gordan (Sonic Youth)
1955 : Eddie Jobson (Curved Air, Roxy Music)
1966 : Too Short
1968 : Daisy Berkowitz (Marilyn Manson)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Do you think God had something more than “guilt” and “salvation” in mind when he created “forgiveness?” The answer could be YES!
There’s a new study out that says feeling guilty about things can actually be bad for your health! People who feel bad about stuff that really doesn’t matter, like eating chocolate, going shopping, or sitting in front of the television are more likely to have a weaker immune system… leading to a greater danger of disease… meaning their health could suffer. But those who don’t feel bad about doing things (or believe themselves to be forgiven) are better able to fight off infection, thus having better health. So it looks like God knew what He was doing yet again! Forgiveness… it’s not just for salvation… it’s for good health!
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
The members of Kutless are glad to be safe. Just after midnight Sunday morning their trailer suffered a major tire blowout on a long stretch of freeway in South Dakota. Band members says: God is good…we’re all safe!
It’s been a rough weekend for Audio Adrenaline. Front man Adam Agee tweeted: The road gives and the road takes away. Attached was a picture of a shredded trailer tire as the guys in the band worked to replace it in the background. The blown tire was Audio Adrenaline’s second hardship of the weekend. The night before the members of the band were stranded at a truck stop hours from their concert venue due to a broken down tour bus. However, it sounds like all the effort was worth it worth it. Audio Adrenaline tweeted after the show: Another SOLD OUT show tonight of about 4,800!
Mandisa was part of a Women of Joy event over the weekend. The Christian artist said the theme was Stronger and she added, tongue in cheek: If only I had an appropriate song for that. Of course, one of Mandisa’s best known songs is titled Stronger.
Need some help learning to speak Northern Irish. Who better to train you than the Irish Worship Band Rend Collective. Member of the band say they recently recorded a video giving Tenth Avenue North Front man Mike Donehey some tips on getting the Northern Irish sound just right. They say the video will be available soon on the Rend Collective Youtube Channel.
Jamie Grace is back. After a week off, the Jamie Grace show returned last night. Episode six is now available at http://jamiegraceh.libsyn.com/.
Mothers day is coming up soon and Francesca Battistelli would like to help you find the perfect gift for your mom. She wrote a blog recently titled a Mother’s Day Gift Guide 2015. Some of Francesca’s suggestions include a recipe box, a face skin stick, a cutting board, and a gold locket. Need some help finding something for your mom. Check out Francesca’s full list at http://t.co/24YO1ad5kx.
The latest story CD from Matthew West will be released today. In connection with the release, Matthew will be doing 24 shows in 24 hours, and he started at midnight this morning. You can follow along on his youtube channel to keep up to date on all the events. https://www.youtube.com/user/matthewwestmusic
Natalie Grant is on the cover of HomeLife magazine this week. The Christian artist and mother of three sat down with the magazine recently to talk about infertility, her unexpected pregnancy, and the depression that came with it. Natalie says she found restoration but it was a lot of hard work. She says God used it to shape her character and allowed her to experience the depths of God’s faithfulness in entirely new ways.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Teen, missing for 4 days, lived off school’s fruit trees
CUPERTINO, Calif. (AP) — Authorities say a 17-year-old boy who went missing for nearly four days before he returned to his Northern California home told his family he hid on his high school campus, surviving on fruit from trees and drinking from the water fountain. The San Francisco Chronicle…
|Coyote collared after lower Manhattan police chase photo
NEW YORK (AP) — A wily coyote is no match for the NYPD. Police collared the creature near a sidewalk cafe in downtown Manhattan on Saturday morning. The coyote was spotted shortly after 7:30 a.m. in the Battery Park City neighborhood. Officers tailed her up and down a marina and a Hudson…
|Quacking duck ringtone helps firefighter rescue ducklings
SLIDELL, La. (AP) — Quack! Quack! A duck call ringtone helped a Louisiana firefighter rescue six ducklings from a storm drain. Spokesman Chad Duffaut of St. Tammany Fire District #1 says even with realistic quacking sounds coming from his cellphone, it took Firefighter Cody Knecht about 90…
|Man driving motorhome leads Alaska State Troopers on a chase
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — An Alaska man used a motorhome in a failed attempt to elude arrest by state troopers. Eligah Christian of Wasilla was arrested Friday morning, but not before he mashed the bulky vehicle into several patrol cars. Christian, 49, was being sought on a $100,000 warrant on…
|3 young women jailed in Russia for twerking next to monument
MOSCOW (AP) — A court in southern Russia has sentenced three young women to brief jail terms for making a video showing them twerking next to a World War II memorial. Russia celebrates the 70th anniversary of the Allies’ victory in the World War II next month, an emotionally charged holiday…
|College’s goat- and sheep-guarding donkey has surprise birth
SOUTH KINGSTOWN, R.I. (AP) — The University of Rhode Island may have a new guard for its animal herd after a baby donkey was unexpectedly born. Jenny, one of the university’s two guard donkeys, gave birth to the foal Sunday at the school’s Peckham Farm. The university uses the donkeys to…
|Manure trade show’s slogan contest produces pile of entries
Entries are piling up for a slogan contest being held this year by the North American Manure Expo. The trade show, now in its 13th year, showcases the latest technology in manure handling, treatment and application. It’s being held in July in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania. An official event slogan has…
|Swedish police on vacation break up fight on New York subway
NEW YORK (AP) — New York City Police Commissioner William Bratton is thanking four Swedish law enforcement officers who broke up a fight on the subway. Erik Naslund, Samuel Kvarzell, Markus Asberg and Eric Jansberger were headed to see a Broadway performance of “Les Miserables” on Wednesday…
|WWII-era bomb found on college campus, detonated by military
WRIGHTSTOWN, N.J. (AP) — The ground shook near a New Jersey military base as an explosives team detonated a 500-pound World War II-era bomb that had been found on the campus of a community college. The unexploded ordnance was taken to Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst. It had been discovered…
|Romania: robbers trained to steal jewels, cars detained photo
BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) — Prosecutors detained 14 people Friday who are suspected of belonging to a network of well-dressed robbers who were trained to rob luxury items in Romania and the European Union. The alleged leader was among those detained and prosecutors have asked for their arrest….
|Tater tots, comfy couch waylay California burglar
PETALUMA, Calif. (AP) — Police say a would-be burglar got sidetracked by snacks and a comfy place to snooze, heating up some tater tots and taking a nap on the sofa of the house he broke into. HASH(0x13e3610) The woman rushed to her bedroom, called police and then ran out the front door. She…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Washington gov. signs overhaul of medical marijuana market photo
OLYMPIA, Wash. (AP) — Nearly two decades after voters passed a medical marijuana law that often left police, prosecutors and even patients confused about what was allowed, Gov. Jay Inslee signed a bill Friday attempting to clean up that largely unregulated system and harmonize it with…
|Hawaii poised to become 1st state to raise smoking age to 21 photo
HONOLULU (AP) — A bill that would make Hawaii the first state to raise the legal smoking age to 21 cleared the Legislature on Friday and is headed to the governor. The bill would prevent adolescents from smoking, buying or possessing both traditional and electronic cigarettes. “It’s…
|Indiana HIV outbreak, hepatitis C epidemic sparks CDC alert
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — An Indiana county is experiencing nearly daily increases in new HIV infections tied to intravenous drug use, and health officials hope the situation prompts other states to closely track their hepatitis C and HIV rates to identify potential clusters of the diseases….
|Health officials say ice cream is safe despite some recalls photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health officials say ice cream is still safe to eat — even amid recalls by two ice cream companies after the discovery of listeria bacteria in their frozen confections. The Food and Drug Administration and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say…
|Q&A: What’s listeria and how is it traced to ice cream? photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — New technologies account for one way that the government is tracking a life-threatening outbreak of listeria linked to Blue Bell ice cream products. Texas-based Blue Bell Creameries recalled all its products this week after listeria was found in a variety of the company’s…
|Ohio officials closer to finding source of deadly botulism
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Officials say they are closer to finding the source of botulism that killed one person and sickened many more after a church picnic in central Ohio last weekend. Ohio Department of Health spokeswoman Michelle Loparo said Friday that six food samples retrieved from a…
|CDC using new technology to track listeria Illnesses photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The government is relying on some new technology — as well as a bit of luck — to track an outbreak of life-threatening listeria linked to Blue Bell ice cream products. Texas-based Blue Bell Creameries recalled all its products this week as listeria was found in a…
|VA pledges broad review of claims processing
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Department of Veterans Affairs said Wednesday it has launched a top-down review of its handling of disability claims and pledged to punish those who falsify data as pressure mounted on Capitol Hill for personnel changes amid mismanagement investigations in Philadelphia…
|Q&A: What is listeria? Bacteria found in Blue Bell ice cream photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Blue Bell Creameries is pulling all of its products off the shelves after samples of its ice cream tested positive for a potentially deadly bacteria — listeria. The recall announced late Monday includes ice cream, frozen yogurt, sherbet and frozen snacks distributed in…
|Worried sick over canine flu? Tips to help protect your pup photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — An outbreak of canine flu has sickened more than 1,000 dogs in the Midwest, killing a handful and stirring concern among animal lovers nationwide that the highly contagious virus will sideline their pets. Experts blame the epidemic on a strain called H3N2 that is seen in…
|Is ice cream safe? Federal health officials say yes photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Is ice cream safe to eat? Federal officials say yes, even amid recalls by two ice cream companies after the discovery of listeria bacteria in their frozen confections. The Food and Drug Administration and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say there’s no reason…
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NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Some scientists now think dog germs may not be a cause for panic, but a cure for what ails you. The University of Arizona is launching a study to see if the bacteria in your dog’s mouth could boost your immune system and alleviate the effects of severe allergies and asthma. Ultimately, these scientists hope to find out if “dog germs” can boost the growth of microorganisms in people. ***MARLAR: So the next time you slice your hand with the can opener, go ahead and let your dog lick the wound. It might be good for you. Or it might not. But it might be!
A 16-year-old in India has done the ultimate to prove he is tough enough to one day join the army. The teen was upset after being teased by friends over his ambition to join up, so he did what any kid would do — he drove nails into his hands and feet. He’ll be released from the hospital in a couple of days. ***MARLAR: Sounds like he might have a God complex as well.
Police in South Korea say a man who was jailed for theft a decade ago had plastic surgery to obscure his identity and embark on a nine-month robbery spree that netted cash and goods worth more than $479,000. The 35-year-old-man was arrested for 87 cases of robbery across the country. ***Oh… so close! $479,000 – almost enough to finally pay off that first plastic surgery!
Police in New Hampshire are looking for a man who stole a cash box from Girl Scouts selling cookies outside a drug store. The man, who was reportedly wearing a black winter hat and New England Patriots jacket, grabbed the cash box and got into a car with New Jersey license plates and two other people inside. ***MARLAR: The joke is on the robber though – instead of cash, the box was filled with Rah Rah Raisins. I mean, really, does anybody like those?
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
In Great Britain, hundreds of criminals are to be given four days a year off prison work – to celebrate pagan festivals. Prison governors have been issued with a list of eight annual pagan holidays and told pagan inmates can choose four to celebrate. It is the latest in a series of rulings to protect convicts’ rights and ensure equality among different faiths. ***MARLAR: Because the last thing we’d want in prisons is for hardened criminals to feel like they’ve lost some of their privileges.
What freaks you out? Snakes? Clowns? Spiders? Whatever it is, just admit it freaks you out. Research (University of California, Los Angeles) discovered that trying to talk yourself out of the fear doesn’t help you get over the fear. ***Unless all you have to fear is fear itself… at which point you’re screwed.
We’re sending a probe into the sun. Why? To find out why it’s hot.
Why the sun’s atmosphere is nearly 200 times hotter than its visible surface is a long-standing mystery. A new spacecraft, called Solar Probe Plus, aims to find some answers. The new unit will fly directly into the sun’s corona. It’s not going to be easy. For starters, the probe will need to withstand temperatures up to about 2,600 degrees Fahrenheit. Solar Probe Plus will cost more than $1 billion and will launch in 2018. ***MARLAR: Oh… wow… so I guess we’ve already eradicated poverty, illegal immigration, and the U.S. deficit, so we can afford to launch money directly into the sun?
Leave it to Spanish researchers to discover that caffeine and glucose — found in those longtime office favorites, coffee and doughnuts — actually make you smarter. In a study published in the journal Human Psychopharmacology: Clinical and Experimental, researchers at the University of Barcelona discovered that the caffeine-glucose combo boosts your brain in terms of attention and memory. ***MARLAR: No wonder cops are so smart… they LIVE on coffee and doughnuts.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Two Percent Milk”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kerri Pomarolli, “Dollar Store”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk was commissioned to make new badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles. But when he realized that they’d never have to buy more racquets after that, he designed them with a flaw so they break easily – meaning they’d have to buy new racquets, keeping Racquet in business. Will his dishonesty pay off? We’re about to find out…
CLOSE: Ah ha… looks like Racquet’s scheme is about to backfire on him. I’m sure he didn’t mean for all of the racquets to break so soon. Will he apologize to his friends and make it right, or will he try to get out of trouble by being dishonest again? We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 02/03, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
CLOSE: And you thought YOU were busy! Tune in again next time – if you have time, that is – to see what the jungle animals do about their own time problems! As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
You may feel it’s an emergency that you need a job – but calling the police is not going to help.
A man wanting to be a police officer in the UK didn’t make a very good first impression. The man sent in his application and when he didn’t hear from the police he thought he’d call to check to see if they received his paperwork. The only problem was that he decided to call the police by dialing 9-9-9 — the UK equivalent of America’s 9-1-1. Not only did the emergency operator chew him out, but also the police chief immediately rejected his application.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT DRIVE A SANE PERSON MAD
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.
- The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Not planning a good escape route could leave you knee-deep in yuck!
FILE #1: In Huntington, New York, a shoplifter chose the wrong escape route after he scaled a barbed wire fence, ran through the woods and jumped into a sewage drain. Police had seen Christian Vitale being chased by some Foot Locker employees outside Walt Whitman Mall. The officers joined the pursuit in which Christian made the mistake of jumping into the drain. He then found himself in a reservoir described as “thick as oil” and filled with discarded tires and refrigerators. Police easily plucked the 26-year-old out of the muck and arrested him.
FILE #2: One unidentified 36-year-old thief from Germany had more than a dime dropped on him. Three days after stealing a rare collection of coins, he took them to the bank for safe keeping. Soon after the thief made the deposit, a bank worker recognized the coins as the ones stolen from him. Police soon tracked the crook down and said, “I don’t think the thief was expecting that.”
FILE #3: Homemade cookies are good; homemade fireworks, not so much. However, that was apparently news to 35-year-old Jason Peltz, of Macedonia, Ohio. Police say Jason was apparently testing explosives for homemade fireworks in his house when something went wrong. Well, something in addition to testing explosives in his house. The ensuing explosion blew out the home’s windows, knocked the kitchen cabinets off the walls and tipped over the refrigerator. Amazingly, Jason lived to be arrested on charges of manufacturing dangerous materials.
STRANGE LAW: In Tylertown, Mississippi, it is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Asking a police officer for help is usually a good thing – unless your brain is on drugs.
In Statesboro, Georgia, Police Sergeant Jason Kearney was sitting in his patrol car when Ron Stone walked up and asked him for a ride to his car. Kearney said okay, but he’d have to search Stone for weapons first. Stone said to go ahead. The cop said he found no weapons, but Stone was carrying two bags of marijuana. Stone claimed the stuff wasn’t his, but a check found he was already wanted on an outstanding warrant of possessing the drug with intent to distribute. So he did get a free ride… to jail.
You walk in to work tomorrow and are fired. Where is the first place you’d go to begin looking for a job – or where is the first place in town you’d apply for that job?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Xerxes (zurk’sez) “the Great” was king of Persia from 486-465 B.C. He was also known by the Hebrew name Ahasuerus (a-haz-u-e’rus). Who was his first queen?
ANSWER: Vashti (Esther)
QUESTION: Which U.S. state eats the most SPAM? (That’d be the meat-like substance, not unwanted e-mails)
ANSWER: Hawaii. (Spam is actually the state meat of Hawaii. Weird.)
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Before it became PG, the “parental guidance” movie rating was known as what GP. (True)
- Roger Moore, actor, (The Saint, numerous James Bond movies), was born in 1910. (False, 1926)
- Mel Gibson’s dad was the actor who played the Joker in the TV version of Batman. (False, that was Cesar Romero)
- Ronald Reagan married actress Nancy Davis. (True)
- Marilu Henner portrayed Elaine Nardo on TV’s Taxi. (True)
- Goldie Hawn was Thelma ‘Mama’ Harper on TV’s Mama’s Family? (False, Vicki Lawrence)
- Mel Gibson provided the voice of the legendary Captain John Smith in Disney’s animated feature “Pocahontas.” (True)
- Ludwig Von Drake is Donald Duck’s uncle. (True)
- Director Oliver Stone was born in Germany. (False, New York City)
- Warren Beatty’s sister is Suzanne Somers. (False, Shirley Maclaine)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
______ FOUND IN TOWN’S WATER SUPPLY (LAXATIVE)
FORT HONOR, OH– There’s a rumbling in this small Ohio town – and it’s not coming from the ground.
Fort Honor residents have been fielding more than just high gas prices. Between excessive flatulence and an excessive amount of time on the toilet, people in Fort Honor needed answers. When they turned to a scientist to query their wind-breaking woes, his findings rocked the town.
“Quite simply, there are large traces of laxative in the water,” the scientist said. “I’ve tested tap water in homes all over the area, and no house has been spared.”
Often taken for constipation, laxatives have been known to cause stomach cramps for some — and even explosive diarrhea for others. Abuse can bring even more issues than an individual had initially. And the biggest problem, according to the scientist, arises out of prolonged exposure.
“No one is supposed to have this much laxative in their system,” the scientist said. “The more you take it, the prone you are to damage in your colon and intestines. As far as why it’s happening, I just don’t know how anything like this is possible, considering there are no laxative factories in the area.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
“Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl – and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.” Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said.
“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”
A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. “I’m here to fix the leaky pipe,” he announced.
“I didn’t call a plumber,” said the lady.
“What?” huffed the plumber. “Aren’t you Mrs. Frobisher?”
The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago,” explained the lady.
“How do you like that,” grunted the plumber. “They call you up and tell you it’s an emergency and then they move away!”
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get.
The boss says, “Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?”
The mechanic nods, confused.
“Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?”
“Oh yes,” says the mechanic.
“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?”
“Sir, I’ve been doing that for years!” says the wanna-be mechanic.
“Well in that case, I can’t use you. I have 12 men doing that already!” says the boss.
The Platypus can eat its weight in worms every day. ***MARLAR: I know it can, but why the heck would it want to?
“Hey, doc, did you wash your hands?” In an era of rising rates of drug-resistant infections and overburdened medical staffs, hygiene experts say the best-protected patients are those willing to take safety into their own hands — by asking health workers to wash theirs – because doctors and nurses are only washing half as often as they should. ***MARLAR: Even cats and dogs wash themselves up regularly. How sad is it that we’d be better off with our dogs licking our wounds then letting doctors use a scalpel?
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”
“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow.” Protested his nephew.
“I know,” replied the uncle, “that’s exactly what I mean.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
DRIVE THROUGH PRAYER
There’s a special drive-through in Virginia that offers up something more than fast food. Bishop Nathaniel Johnson, of Sweet Holy Haven Church of God, has been standing in front of his church offering drive-through prayer to anyone who stops by from 6 to 9 a.m., seven days a week, rain or shine. “We’ve got drive-through banks and drive-through hamburger joints. Why not drive-through prayer?” Johnson says. He admits it’s not easy to get out of bed at 5:15 every morning and head outdoors before dawn, especially when few people bother to stop by. But when business is a little slow, he says he just waves to the passing cars. ***MARLAR: Okay, so… that’s one prayer for your sick mother, one prayer for your friend to find a job, on breakfast burrito, and a large coffee. Would you like communion with that?
Two men fell on hard times. Try as they might, they couldn’t find work. They heard that a museum was willing to pay $50 apiece for live rattlesnakes so, in desperation, they decided to catch snakes.
Outfitted with a net and basket, they hiked to a remote area renowned for its large snake population. But as they scaled a steep ledge, the rock gave way and they tumbled down the slippery bank — into a deep pit crawling with rattlesnakes!
One of the men quickly sized up the situation and shouted excitedly to his friend, “Look! We’re rich! We’re rich!”
Some people see good in anything! And I suppose there’s usually a brighter side. Take aging, for instance. As we grow older, our skin turns from satin to cotton to seersucker to corduroy. But, on a brighter side, I’m just glad wrinkles don’t hurt!
It has to do with how we look at our situation. Like a sign spotted outside a New England shop: “We buy junk. Antiques for sale.” Is your attic full of junk or antiques? It’s a matter of perspective.
Your greatest power may well be your power to choose. As Abraham Lincoln wisely said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” The truth is, we can choose to view many of our problems as opportunities, we can choose to age in body without aging in spirit, and we can choose to be encouraged by the good of life, rather than discouraged by the bad.
It’s your point of view! Choose it! –Steve Goodier
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: Psalm 139:1-16
In Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me. —Psalm 139:16
How could this happen? How could God allow our beautiful daughter Melissa to be taken from us in a car accident at age 17? And it’s not just us. It’s also our friends Steve and Robyn, whose daughter Lindsay, Melissa’s friend, died 9 months earlier. And what about Richard and Leah, whose son Jon—another of Melissa’s friends—lies in a gravesite within 50 yards of both Lindsay and Melissa?
How could God allow these three Christian teens to die within 16 months of each other? And how can we still trust Him?
Unable to comprehend such tragedies, we cling to Psalm 139:16—”In Your book they were all written, the days fashioned for me.” By God’s design, our children had a specific number of days to live, and then He lovingly called them home to their eternal reward. And we find comfort in God’s mysterious words, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints” (116:15).
The death of those close to us could rob us of our trust in God—taking with it our reason for living. But God’s unfathomable plan for the universe and His redemptive work continue, and we must honor our loved ones by holding on to His hand. We don’t understand, but we still must trust God as we await the great reunion He has planned for us. —Dave Branon
Though tragedy, heartache, and sorrow abound
And many a hardship in life will be found,
I’ll put all my trust in the Savior of light,
For He can bring hope in the darkest of night. —D. De Haan
Don’t let tragedy steal your trust in God.
Bad behavior will not be tolerated at an upcoming high school graduation in Florida. In fact, notes will have to be signed promising that everyone will behave and stay in good conduct. But we’re not talking about the graduating seniors here, it’s the graduating senior’s parents that have to sign the forms for their own conduct! The Broward School board is asking parents to sign a letter promising that they’ll leave air horns, noisemakers and loud disruptive behavior at home this year. Parents who refuse to sign the letter will not get their tickets to the graduation ceremony. Board members also suggested extra security to remove rowdy relatives and to check bags for noisemakers! ***MARLAR: As insane as this may sound, it’s not really that bad. In this day and age, it’s actually refreshing that the biggest security concern at a high school is noisemakers and excited parents!
LIFE… LIVE IT
You can’t mark this one up as just coincidence. No way.
…Carolyn Holt of St. Charles County, Missouri, was driving when she went into cardiac arrest. Her vehicle crossed over three lanes in a heavy rush hour traffic without hitting anyone, then came to rest gently against a guardrail. Four people stopped to help her. Two of them were registered nurses. A third was Steve Earle, who makes a living selling defibrillators, the devices used to shock a patient’s heart into a regular rhythm. Earle grabbed the defibrillator he uses for demonstrations and rushed to help. The two nurses started cardiopulmonary resuscitation, but Holt wasn’t breathing. Earle and one of the nurses hooked Holt up to the defibrillator and delivered a shock. Holt got a pulse back and paramedics rushed the woman to the hospital. ***MARLAR: There you go… proof that God exists.
JUST FOR FUN
Things NOT to do at a job interview…
We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews worried about what to do and what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond the don’ts. A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. These are some of the strangest examples.
- “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
- “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
- “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to the office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
- “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and fries during the interview.”
- “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his
- “Interrupted the interview to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
- “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
- “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
- “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.
Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”
TRUTHS I’VE LEARNED THROUGH MY CHILDREN
This is from a San Diego father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children:
- There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades they can ignite.
- A 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh” it is already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke – lots of it.
- A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
- A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000-sq.-ft. house almost 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
- Duplos will not.
- Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super Glue is forever.
- MacGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
- So can Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can’t walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
- VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably don’t want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
- It will, however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
THE WAY WE WORK
UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.
As I set out in my 30s to build my empire, which fell significantly short of an actual empire, I sought counsel from several successful business people. One of my most important questions was how to structure a new venture. The response I heard most resoundingly was, “avoid partnerships!” And in particular, equal partnerships! I took that counsel to heart.
Over the years, I have come to understand why that is sage advice. The idea of partnerships is grand — at the beginning. Two people have a different set of skills and knowledge. Put together, they should create a synergy that becomes quite powerful if they have good business sense and work well together. Of course, their business needs to be a viable and sought-after enterprise.
That being said, partnerships can easily become a burden. In most cases, one partner is smarter than the other. Eventually, that becomes apparent. Sometimes very quickly. Views begin to conflict over growth strategies, expenses, office space, location…and the list is too long to continue.
What does this sound like? To me, it sounds like a marriage. Two people begin the journey with the best of intentions. Their foundation is built on “love.” And then reality hits. Unless the couple gets help—sometimes professional help—lookout.
Thus I was quite intrigued over the weekend to see a New York Times story about how two men who bonded well in college went on to start a successful tech firm. These guys really connected. They do a LOT together besides business. They are joined at the hip.
But like a married couple—and these men are not romantically linked—they have issues. They disagree over things. They fight. They make up. The stress of this relationship falls on their coworkers. It gets difficult.
So what do they do? Get ready. They get counseling! Yeah…like marriage/relationship counseling. The article is titled “Anger Management: Why the Genius Founders Turned to Couples Therapy.” You should read it. In an odd way, it’s funny. http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/19/fashion/anger-management-why-the-genius-founders-turned-to-couples-therapy.html?emc=edit_th_20150419&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=68618012
So here’s a big takeaway I learned. “Counseling has become a popular way for young technology entrepreneurs to work out their differences. ‘Except for the sex, founders have the same interdependency as married couples,’ said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, who holds that businesses and romantic relationships fail for similar reasons.”
Imagine that. Two grown up men sitting in their counselor’s office pouring out their baggage. And getting…help. What a concept!
Now here’s a powerful addition. People, who receive God’s great gift of reconciliation to Him through Jesus, receive a BIG bonus. Along with the guilt-free complete forgiveness of sin, they are given the Holy Spirit! The Bible describes the Holy Spirit as a real person—Who actually becomes a part of your human life.
To what benefit? I will use the Amplified Bible to give this full treatment. Here is what Jesus tells His disciples, as recorded in John 14:26: “But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you.”
To be clear, every single person who receives God’s truth about Jesus is given this special gift Who resides within. The Spirit guides, comforts, and interacts on our behalf before the Heavenly Father. Amazing. But only those who receive Jesus by faith have this. You might well call it, an “inside advantage.”
Make no mistake. Do followers of Jesus often require coaching, marriage counseling, and other forms of professional help? Certainly. But if their hearts are tuned right, there are insights galore with which to be blessed.
Now the unscrupulous might wonder if this Spirit would help with insider trading. For that I say, “You naughty person. You need to go to Sunday School.”
End of story.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
TIME TO HANG IT UP
There are plenty of job openings on the remote Scottish Island of Gigha, where the population is 100. 14 openings to be exact! They are looking for a: Shopkeeper, rent collector, postman, special constable, insurance agent, pier master, registrar, fire chief, ambulance driver, school bus driver, guest house owner, gas attendant, taxi driver and undertaker. Why so many openings on such a small island? It’s because 62-year-old Seamus McSporran decided to retire from his 15-hour a day job! Yep, he did all of these jobs! Seamus said that it’s time to hang it up and find another “man”, or “men”, to do it!
Coming May 4th, 2015!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.
A man in a wheelchair was saved thanks to two quick thinking bystanders. According to NPR news, the man rolled off a subway platform and fell onto the tracks at a Washington, D.C., metro stop earlier this week. Thanks to two people who immediately jumped down to save him, had came away from the accident with only a bloody mouth. The entire scene was captured by a D.C. Metro Surveillance camera. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hJFqm6GEKU
A new ad by Pandora Jewelry is proof that there is a unique connection between mother and child. The add feature a social experiment that included six children who were blindfolded and then asked to find the mom that belongs to them. In every case the children were able to pick out their mother. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRoqk_z2Lgg
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Diets are for those people who are thick and tired of it.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 24, 2015…
Little Boy—This is an unusual story about a small boy, age seven, who decides he wants to end WWII. He and his father are great friends, but when the father is called to go to war, the boy begins to worry about his safety. It is a story of faith…lots of faith. Hmm, see what happens here. Stars include Jakob Salvanti, Kevin James, Emily Watson, Ted Levine and Tom Wilkinson. “Little Boy” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Water Diviner— This film is the directing debut of actor Russell Crowe and is adapted from the novel by Andrew Anastasasios and Dr. Meghan Anastasasios. The premise has a farmer in the Balkans, after WWI, trying to locate his sons who are soldiers. He finds graves, but are the sons really dead? Also in the cast are Olga Kuylicho, James O’Toole and Jai Courtney. “The Water Diviner” is rated R. No rating.
Infinitely Polar Bear (opening in select cities)—Mark Ruffalo and Zoe Saldana star in this romance comedy about a man, who is bi-polar, decides to pay more attention to his two young, energetic daughters and give his wife a break. Keir Dullea is in the cast, too. “Infinitely Polar Bear” is rated PG 13.
Age of Adaline—-This is a story of a woman (Blake Lively) who doesn’t age. Fifty-plus years go by and she looks the same. One person knows her secret, her aging daughter. Enter romance, and what to do? Also in the cast are Kathy Baker, Amanda Crew, Ellen Burstyn and Harrison Ford. “Age of Adaline” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for this interesting story.
MAY 01, 2015…
Avengers: Age of Ultron has just about every Marvel comic book hero who can hold a script in it. Enjoy.
She’s Funny That Way is brave to go against “Avengers: Ultron” this week. “She’s Funny…” is a comedy about a stage star and the people in her life. Stars Imogen Poots and Owen Wilson.
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