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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160428
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
This just in, a former top White House adviser has confirmed — stopping (THE JOCK SHOW) is not a priority for the Obama administration.
I majored in radio for a very good reason — I couldn’t spell “Business Administration.”
This show has more laughs than the men’s room at the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
[Jesus said,] “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” — Matthew 28:18-20
If, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life. — Romans 5:10
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. — James 1:26
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. — Philippians 4:13
Thought: I don’t know about you, but I know I’ve grown soft and spoiled because of all the conveniences that I have allowed into my life. Could I honor God with my praises and thanksgivings if these conveniences were to suddenly vanish? I hope so. I want to be like Paul and live with the assurance that I can withstand any situation with the help of Christ.
Prayer: O God, without you my strength would fade and my confidence would fail. Thankfully I will never have to worry about this because your grace, your Spirit, and your Son will strengthen me and help me weather any storm. Thank you, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Galatians 4:28 NIV = Now you, brothers and sisters, like Isaac, are children of promise.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – APRIL 28, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 240 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is HAIR STYLIST APPRECIATION DAY. ***MARLAR: I’d like to thank my hairstylists, Barnum and Bailey…
Today is CHICKEN TICKLIN’ DAY. ***MARLAR: Who knew chickens are ticklish?
Today is RIP CORD DAY, marking the first successful parachute jump opening the parachute with a rip cord on this day in 1919 by Leslie Erwin of the U.S. Army Air Corps. Of course the BIG question is, “Why do they skydivers yell, ‘Geronimo’ when jumping out of a plane? Well, I’ve done some research and have found the answer…
While the first successful parachute happened in 1919, it took us until 1940 to come up with “Geronimo!” It’s kind of an interesting story, actually. Mostly, it’s because yelling “Geronimo” beats screaming “I want my mommy!”
“Geronimo!” is attributed to Aubrey Eberhardt, a member of the U.S. Army’s parachute “test platoon” at Fort Benning, Georgia, in 1940. To speed up the drops, the brass decided to try a mass jump, in which the men would jump from the plane in quick succession. The men were nervous about this, and to relieve the tension a group of them went to see a western at the post movie house the night before the jump. The movie featured the cavalry mixing it up with the famous Apache chief Geronimo. None of our sources said exactly what movie this was, but one supposes it was Geronimo (1939) with Andy Devine and Gene Lockhart.
After the movie, strolling back to camp, Private Eberhardt announced that he expected the next day’s jump to be no different than any other. His friends immediately began to razz him, saying he’d be so scared he’d barely remember his name. This ticked off the six-foot-eight Eberhardt, so he declared, “All right, I tell you jokers what I’m gonna do! To prove to you that I’m not scared out of my wits when I jump, I’m gonna yell `Geronimo’ loudly when I go out that door tomorrow!”
By the next morning everyone had heard about Eberhardt’s promise. The lead plane flew over the field, and as the chutes popped open, the guys on the ground could clearly hear a shout of “Geronimo!” followed by an Indian war whoop. Eberhardt had made good on his boast and the unofficial yell of U.S. airborne troops had been born.
But what if the men hadn’t seen Geronimo at the movies the night before? In the theatres at the same time was The Wizard of Oz – which might have inspired the soldiers to yell, “Follow the yellow brick road!”
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Biological Clock Day
Workers Memorial Day
World Day of Safety and Health at Work
Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
COMING UP NEXT
FRIDAY, APRIL 29
National Hairball Awareness Day
“Peace” Rose Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 30
Bugs Bunny Day
International Table Top Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Go Birding Day
National Herb Day
National Honesty Day
National Rebuilding Day
Spank Out Day
World Veterinary Day
SUNDAY, MAY 01
Executive Coaching Day
National Infertility Survival Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
Motorcycle mass & Blessing of the Bikes Day
National Bubba Day
New Homeowner’s Day
Rural Life Sunday
School Principals Day
SUNDAY, MAY 02
Roberts Rule of Order Day
MONDAY, MAY 03
Garden Meditation Day
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Public Radio Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Teacher Day
TUESDAY, MAY 04
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
National Life Insurance Day
Great American Grump Out
Star Wars Day (May The Forth Be With You)
International Respect for Chickens Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
Petite and Proud Day
World Give Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 05
Cinco de Mayo
National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Day of Reason
Totally Chipotle Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
World Password Day
THURSDAY, MAY 06
Dandelion Days begin
Joseph Brackett Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
ON THIS DAY
1789: There was a mutiny on HMS Bounty as the crew of the British ship set Captain William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific.
1984: “Mama He’s Crazy” by the Judds entered the country music charts. Nurse Naomi had given the tape, made on a $30 Kmart cassette recorder, to a producer’s daughter, who was in the hospital.
1986: Crook & Chase, Lorianne and Charley, debuted on The Nashville Network.
1988: The Baltimore Orioles lost their 21st straight game, a major league record. The Orioles finally won their first game of the season the next day.
1991: The Strippers Hall of Fame opened in Helendale, California. Featured displays included the silver sequined pasties worn by Jennie “The Bazoom Girl” Lee and Jayne Mansfield’s pink sofa.
1991: A young man in Prague painted the last Soviet tank in Czechoslovakia pink. He showed police a fake work order from the city government authorizing the job.
1992: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,107,620) to Richard Mahan of Houston for his Electric Tablecloth, a battery-powered table cover designed to discourage insects from landing or walking on the table.
1992: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,109,421) to Douglas Fox of Van Nuys, California, for his Maternity Stereo Belt, a belt with a built-in stereo system to be worn by expectant mothers to entertain and educate unborn children.
1996: The city of Paris re-opened 18,771 trash cans to combat a growing litter problem. The receptacles had been sealed for months as a precaution against the depositing of terrorists bombs.
1999: Twenty-five San Diego State University students, about a third of their class, got an “F” for cheating. Seems they’d found the answers to a quiz and passed them around. The course? Business Ethics.
2000: On his 50th birthday, comedian Jay Leno got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
2002: The westbound lanes of Interstate 80 west of Green River, Wyoming, were closed for an hour after a semi truck with a trailer full of Hormel chili and another truck collided. Chili cans smashed through the trailer, broke open, and covered the pavement with slippery beans and meat. Quick thinking officials cleaned up the mess with a snowplow.
2005: Police and dozens of volunteers in Duluth, Georgia, searched for Jennifer Wilbanks, a bride-to-be who vanished two days earlier. Wilbanks became known as the “Runaway Bride” after running away on her own to Albuquerque, New Mexico.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1789: In the South Pacific, a band of hedonistic sailors stages the famous mutiny on the Bounty. The mutineers then sailed to uninhabited Pitcairn Island, where they soon fell into drinking and fighting. Only one man and several women (taken earlier as slaves) and children survived. The man, Alexander Smith, discovered the ship’s neglected Bible, repented, and transformed the community. The Bible is still on display in a Pitcairn church.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Gothika, Vanilla Sky, All the Pretty Horses) Penelope Cruz 42
- actress (Laquita on “Martin,” Nina Campbell on “3rd Rock From The Sun”) Simbi Khali 45 (audio clip)
- actress (Laura Roslin on the new “Battlestar Galactica,” the First Lady Marilyn Whitmore in Independence Day, Eleanor Carter on “E.R.”) Mary McDonnell 63 (audio clip)
- comedian (host of “The Tonight Show”) Jay Leno is 66
- actress (The Santa Clause 3, Any Given Sunday, Grumpy Old Men, Grumpier Old Men, A Streetcar Named Desire, Bye-Bye-Birdie, Viva Las Vegas) Ann-Margaret 75
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1924 : Blossom Dearie
1938 : Duane Eddy
1941 : Ann-Margret
1943 : Fantastic Johnny C
1945 : John Wolters (Dr. Hook)
1952 : Kim Gordan (Sonic Youth)
1955 : Eddie Jobson (Curved Air, Roxy Music)
1966 : Too Short
1968 : Daisy Berkowitz (Marilyn Manson)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Do you think God had something more than “guilt” and “salvation” in mind when he created “forgiveness?” The answer could be YES!
There’s a new study out that says feeling guilty about things can actually be bad for your health! People who feel bad about stuff that really doesn’t matter, like eating chocolate, going shopping, or sitting in front of the television are more likely to have a weaker immune system… leading to a greater danger of disease… meaning their health could suffer. But those who don’t feel bad about doing things (or believe themselves to be forgiven) are better able to fight off infection, thus having better health. So it looks like God knew what He was doing yet again! Forgiveness… it’s not just for salvation… it’s for good health!
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Jeremy Camp is featured in the latest podcast on the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association of Canada web site. As part of the 12 minute interview, Jeremy talks about the faithfulness of God that he experienced when he lost his first wife to cancer.
CCM magazine has released their list of the top 1 word song titles ever. The magazine posted the list earlier this month. Coming in at number one is “Friends” by Michael W. Smith.
Golf enthusiast Tobymac recently had a special treat. According to CCM Magazine, Tobymac recently had the chance to hang out with pro golfer Kevin Streelman.
The Newsboys song “Hero” was recently featured during the NHL playoffs on NBC. Newsboys member Jeff Frankenstein posted: as a massive Nashville Predators fan, this is surreal and awesome!
Paul Baloche has purchased his first watch in 10 years. It was made by Vitae London. Each watch purchased supports a child through education for one year. Paul described the organization as: excellent watches with a worship vision.
The members of Phillips, Craig, and Dean want to hear your story. They are celebrating their 25th anniversary as a band this year and asked this week: How has Phillips, Craig, and Dean music touched your life? Share your story online. http://bit.ly/1WlI54q
This past Sunday was especially special for worship leader Kristian Stanfill. He posted: as a parent and a lover of Jesus this is the moment you pray for when you first find out you’ll be having kids. I had the amazing opportunity to baptize my two oldest today. Isaac and Norah both have put their faith in Jesus and are ALIVE in Him forever. they were both so excited to broadcast to their friends and family today that Jesus is their savior. a day we’ll never forget.
A tough day for Kutless guitarist James Mead. He tweeted: Rode my bike to a sushi restaurant for lunch. Came outside after and it’s raining and my tire is flat.
Pastor and Author Greg Laurie this week shared some thoughts on the death of musical icon, Prince. The speaker on a new beginning shared some thoughts on the well known artist and also used it as a spring board to talk about life after death. Laurie wrapped up his comments with this thought: I don’t know where Prince or Bowie went. Only God does. But I do know where I am going when I die. I’m going up. Which way are you going?
Worship Leader Lincoln Brewster will be part of the Thrive Leadership Conference this week. The 3-day conference for pastors, ministry leaders, and business leaders, is put on each spring by Lincoln’s church and this year it will be streamed online for free. It will be held Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, April 28-30. You can tune in and watch as thousands of pastors and leaders gather to be encouraged and refreshed in ministry and business. In addition to general sessions, the three day event will also include a concert by Lincoln and a Q&A time. Sign up for the free stream by clicking on the link at christianartistnews.info.
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Waffle House says it has fired two employees at one of its Arkansas restaurants after video emerged showing a worker dipping her hair into a pot of water in the restaurant’s kitchen. *** The other worker was fired for wasting water by throwing it out. That’s money, people!
A Texas man was arrested recently for drugs possession while wearing a “Don’t Meth With Me” T-shirt. Adrian Pounders was arrested on possession charges after police executed a search warrant at his home and found methamphetamine and “numerous items of drug paraphernalia.” *** No punchline needed on this one, am I right?
American Airlines says they flew passengers 223 billion miles in 2015. *** Even better, their luggage went almost 500 billion miles!
A German meals-on-wheels charity has apologized after mistakenly serving three seniors dog food. *** The seniors however refused to give it back because it was still better than what was typically delivered.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
The combination of sandals and socks has long been seen as a major footwear faux pas. 1,500 adults were recently polled on what they felt was the most egregious of all fashion offenses — sandals with socks ranked No. 1. But according to the L.A. Times, sandals with socks is now a trend embraced by celebrities and fashion industry insiders. *** In case you missed that – your dad was simply ahead of his time when it came to fashion.
Nearly one-fifth of all Americans 12 years or older have hearing loss, a national survey shows, making the condition much more prevalent than previously thought. According to the study, the prevalence of hearing loss nearly doubled with every age decade, but women and blacks were less likely to have hearing loss at any age. ***MARLAR: At least, I THINK that’s what the study said – I couldn’t hear it very well.
Japanese psychiatrist Makoto Natsume is warning that too much smiling can be dangerous for your mental health. Japanese employers demand that workers affix permanent smiles on their faces and even use video training to drill them into doing it unthinkingly. Dr. Natsume said he’s starting to see more and more patients who were shocked to find they can’t stop smiling, even when dealing with personal tragedies. He said that forcing people to suppress their emotions and smile constantly is threatening to spark a national epidemic of depression and mental illness. ***MARLAR: The good news: because of their smiles, nobody will ever know.
Your brain works gooderer if you sleep a-lots enough. Scientists have now proven what college students, shift workers and parents know so well — the brain does not work properly after a sleepless night. California researchers confirmed this information while looking at ways to alleviate the effects of sleep deprivation and jet lag. They monitored brain activity to see how it compensates for lack of sleep. They found that the effects of sleep deprivation differed depending on what the brain was asked to do — the sleepy brain increases activity in certain regions if it has to deal with verbal problems but slows down for mathematical dilemmas. However sleeping during school or work doesn’t help the problem either. ***MARLAR: Lack of sleep equals lack of brain power? Boy, that explains a lot about my show, doesn’t it?
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Night Falls”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Robert G. Lee, “Random Thoughts”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear built a toll booth on his property – right on the main path through the jungle. 35-cents a pass. But Gruffy let Nozzles get past with just 30-cents, with an I.O.U. of five cents, and he let Hermie the bug through for free! Fortunately, most all the animals had the money, and paid the toll without incident…
CLOSE: So now we have a toll free road, built to avoid the toll road in front of Gruffy’s house – but now Gruffy had removed his toll booth. So now we have two toll-free roads! That’s gotta be good, right? I know… that sounds too easy, doesn’t it? We’ll so how the animals react next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 30/MAY 01
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided to stop singing with her sisters – she wanted to go solo. Then Cheetah’s band decided to leave and go solo… together. But then they all broke up because they all wanted solos too. And now it’s so bad that even individual guitar strings and piano keys are refusing to play together – EVERYBODY wants a spotlight of their own!
CLOSE: How much worse can this solo thing get? Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
You may feel it’s an emergency that you need a job – but calling the police is not going to help.
A man wanting to be a police officer in the UK didn’t make a very good first impression. The man sent in his application and when he didn’t hear from the police he thought he’d call to check to see if they received his paperwork. The only problem was that he decided to call the police by dialing 9-9-9 — the UK equivalent of America’s 9-1-1. Not only did the emergency operator chew him out, but also the police chief immediately rejected his application.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT DRIVE A SANE PERSON MAD
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.
- The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Not planning a good escape route could leave you knee-deep in yuck!
FILE #1: In Huntington, New York, a shoplifter chose the wrong escape route after he scaled a barbed wire fence, ran through the woods and jumped into a sewage drain. Police had seen Christian Vitale being chased by some Foot Locker employees outside Walt Whitman Mall. The officers joined the pursuit in which Christian made the mistake of jumping into the drain. He then found himself in a reservoir described as “thick as oil” and filled with discarded tires and refrigerators. Police easily plucked the 26-year-old out of the muck and arrested him.
FILE #2: One unidentified 36-year-old thief from Germany had more than a dime dropped on him. Three days after stealing a rare collection of coins, he took them to the bank for safe keeping. Soon after the thief made the deposit, a bank worker recognized the coins as the ones stolen from him. Police soon tracked the crook down and said, “I don’t think the thief was expecting that.”
FILE #3: Homemade cookies are good; homemade fireworks, not so much. However, that was apparently news to 35-year-old Jason Peltz, of Macedonia, Ohio. Police say Jason was apparently testing explosives for homemade fireworks in his house when something went wrong. Well, something in addition to testing explosives in his house. The ensuing explosion blew out the home’s windows, knocked the kitchen cabinets off the walls and tipped over the refrigerator. Amazingly, Jason lived to be arrested on charges of manufacturing dangerous materials.
STRANGE LAW: In Tylertown, Mississippi, it is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Asking a police officer for help is usually a good thing – unless your brain is on drugs.
In Statesboro, Georgia, Police Sergeant Jason Kearney was sitting in his patrol car when Ron Stone walked up and asked him for a ride to his car. Kearney said okay, but he’d have to search Stone for weapons first. Stone said to go ahead. The cop said he found no weapons, but Stone was carrying two bags of marijuana. Stone claimed the stuff wasn’t his, but a check found he was already wanted on an outstanding warrant of possessing the drug with intent to distribute. So he did get a free ride… to jail.
You walk in to work tomorrow and are fired. Where is the first place you’d go to begin looking for a job – or where is the first place in town you’d apply for that job?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Xerxes (zurk’sez) “the Great” was king of Persia from 486-465 B.C. He was also known by the Hebrew name Ahasuerus (a-haz-u-e’rus). Who was his first queen?
ANSWER: Vashti (Esther)
QUESTION: Which U.S. state eats the most SPAM? (That’d be the meat-like substance, not unwanted e-mails)
ANSWER: Hawaii. (Spam is actually the state meat of Hawaii. Weird.)
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Before it became PG, the “parental guidance” movie rating was known as what GP. (True)
- Roger Moore, actor, (The Saint, numerous James Bond movies), was born in 1910. (False, 1926)
- Mel Gibson’s dad was the actor who played the Joker in the TV version of Batman. (False, that was Cesar Romero)
- Ronald Reagan married actress Nancy Davis. (True)
- Marilu Henner portrayed Elaine Nardo on TV’s Taxi. (True)
- Goldie Hawn was Thelma ‘Mama’ Harper on TV’s Mama’s Family? (False, Vicki Lawrence)
- Mel Gibson provided the voice of the legendary Captain John Smith in Disney’s animated feature “Pocahontas.” (True)
- Ludwig Von Drake is Donald Duck’s uncle. (True)
- Director Oliver Stone was born in Germany. (False, New York City)
- Warren Beatty’s sister is Suzanne Somers. (False, Shirley Maclaine)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
______ FOUND IN TOWN’S WATER SUPPLY (LAXATIVE)
FORT HONOR, OH– There’s a rumbling in this small Ohio town – and it’s not coming from the ground.
Fort Honor residents have been fielding more than just high gas prices. Between excessive flatulence and an excessive amount of time on the toilet, people in Fort Honor needed answers. When they turned to a scientist to query their wind-breaking woes, his findings rocked the town.
“Quite simply, there are large traces of laxative in the water,” the scientist said. “I’ve tested tap water in homes all over the area, and no house has been spared.”
Often taken for constipation, laxatives have been known to cause stomach cramps for some — and even explosive diarrhea for others. Abuse can bring even more issues than an individual had initially. And the biggest problem, according to the scientist, arises out of prolonged exposure.
“No one is supposed to have this much laxative in their system,” the scientist said. “The more you take it, the prone you are to damage in your colon and intestines. As far as why it’s happening, I just don’t know how anything like this is possible, considering there are no laxative factories in the area.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
“Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl – and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.” Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said.
“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”
A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. “I’m here to fix the leaky pipe,” he announced.
“I didn’t call a plumber,” said the lady.
“What?” huffed the plumber. “Aren’t you Mrs. Frobisher?”
The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago,” explained the lady.
“How do you like that,” grunted the plumber. “They call you up and tell you it’s an emergency and then they move away!”
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get.
The boss says, “Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?”
The mechanic nods, confused.
“Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?”
“Oh yes,” says the mechanic.
“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?”
“Sir, I’ve been doing that for years!” says the wanna-be mechanic.
“Well in that case, I can’t use you. I have 12 men doing that already!” says the boss.
The Platypus can eat its weight in worms every day. ***MARLAR: I know it can, but why the heck would it want to?
“Hey, doc, did you wash your hands?” In an era of rising rates of drug-resistant infections and overburdened medical staffs, hygiene experts say the best-protected patients are those willing to take safety into their own hands — by asking health workers to wash theirs – because doctors and nurses are only washing half as often as they should. ***MARLAR: Even cats and dogs wash themselves up regularly. How sad is it that we’d be better off with our dogs licking our wounds then letting doctors use a scalpel?
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”
“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow.” Protested his nephew.
“I know,” replied the uncle, “that’s exactly what I mean.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
DRIVE THROUGH PRAYER
There’s a special drive-through in Virginia that offers up something more than fast food. Bishop Nathaniel Johnson, of Sweet Holy Haven Church of God, has been standing in front of his church offering drive-through prayer to anyone who stops by from 6 to 9 a.m., seven days a week, rain or shine. “We’ve got drive-through banks and drive-through hamburger joints. Why not drive-through prayer?” Johnson says. He admits it’s not easy to get out of bed at 5:15 every morning and head outdoors before dawn, especially when few people bother to stop by. But when business is a little slow, he says he just waves to the passing cars. ***MARLAR: Okay, so… that’s one prayer for your sick mother, one prayer for your friend to find a job, on breakfast burrito, and a large coffee. Would you like communion with that?
Two men fell on hard times. Try as they might, they couldn’t find work. They heard that a museum was willing to pay $50 apiece for live rattlesnakes so, in desperation, they decided to catch snakes.
Outfitted with a net and basket, they hiked to a remote area renowned for its large snake population. But as they scaled a steep ledge, the rock gave way and they tumbled down the slippery bank — into a deep pit crawling with rattlesnakes!
One of the men quickly sized up the situation and shouted excitedly to his friend, “Look! We’re rich! We’re rich!”
Some people see good in anything! And I suppose there’s usually a brighter side. Take aging, for instance. As we grow older, our skin turns from satin to cotton to seersucker to corduroy. But, on a brighter side, I’m just glad wrinkles don’t hurt!
It has to do with how we look at our situation. Like a sign spotted outside a New England shop: “We buy junk. Antiques for sale.” Is your attic full of junk or antiques? It’s a matter of perspective.
Your greatest power may well be your power to choose. As Abraham Lincoln wisely said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” The truth is, we can choose to view many of our problems as opportunities, we can choose to age in body without aging in spirit, and we can choose to be encouraged by the good of life, rather than discouraged by the bad.
It’s your point of view! Choose it! –Steve Goodier
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: Psalm 139:1-16
In Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me. —Psalm 139:16
How could this happen? How could God allow our beautiful daughter Melissa to be taken from us in a car accident at age 17? And it’s not just us. It’s also our friends Steve and Robyn, whose daughter Lindsay, Melissa’s friend, died 9 months earlier. And what about Richard and Leah, whose son Jon—another of Melissa’s friends—lies in a gravesite within 50 yards of both Lindsay and Melissa?
How could God allow these three Christian teens to die within 16 months of each other? And how can we still trust Him?
Unable to comprehend such tragedies, we cling to Psalm 139:16—”In Your book they were all written, the days fashioned for me.” By God’s design, our children had a specific number of days to live, and then He lovingly called them home to their eternal reward. And we find comfort in God’s mysterious words, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints” (116:15).
The death of those close to us could rob us of our trust in God—taking with it our reason for living. But God’s unfathomable plan for the universe and His redemptive work continue, and we must honor our loved ones by holding on to His hand. We don’t understand, but we still must trust God as we await the great reunion He has planned for us. —Dave Branon
Though tragedy, heartache, and sorrow abound
And many a hardship in life will be found,
I’ll put all my trust in the Savior of light,
For He can bring hope in the darkest of night. —D. De Haan
Don’t let tragedy steal your trust in God.
Bad behavior will not be tolerated at an upcoming high school graduation in Florida. In fact, notes will have to be signed promising that everyone will behave and stay in good conduct. But we’re not talking about the graduating seniors here, it’s the graduating senior’s parents that have to sign the forms for their own conduct! The Broward School board is asking parents to sign a letter promising that they’ll leave air horns, noisemakers and loud disruptive behavior at home this year. Parents who refuse to sign the letter will not get their tickets to the graduation ceremony. Board members also suggested extra security to remove rowdy relatives and to check bags for noisemakers! ***MARLAR: As insane as this may sound, it’s not really that bad. In this day and age, it’s actually refreshing that the biggest security concern at a high school is noisemakers and excited parents!
LIFE… LIVE IT
You can’t mark this one up as just coincidence. No way.
…Carolyn Holt of St. Charles County, Missouri, was driving when she went into cardiac arrest. Her vehicle crossed over three lanes in a heavy rush hour traffic without hitting anyone, then came to rest gently against a guardrail. Four people stopped to help her. Two of them were registered nurses. A third was Steve Earle, who makes a living selling defibrillators, the devices used to shock a patient’s heart into a regular rhythm. Earle grabbed the defibrillator he uses for demonstrations and rushed to help. The two nurses started cardiopulmonary resuscitation, but Holt wasn’t breathing. Earle and one of the nurses hooked Holt up to the defibrillator and delivered a shock. Holt got a pulse back and paramedics rushed the woman to the hospital. ***MARLAR: There you go… proof that God exists.
JUST FOR FUN
Things NOT to do at a job interview…
We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews worried about what to do and what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond the don’ts. A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. These are some of the strangest examples.
- “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
- “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
- “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to the office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
- “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and fries during the interview.”
- “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his
- “Interrupted the interview to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
- “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
- “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
- “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.
Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”
TRUTHS I’VE LEARNED THROUGH MY CHILDREN
This is from a San Diego father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children:
- There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades they can ignite.
- A 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh” it is already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke – lots of it.
- A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
- A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000-sq.-ft. house almost 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
- Duplos will not.
- Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super Glue is forever.
- MacGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
- So can Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can’t walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
- VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably don’t want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
- It will, however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
TIME TO HANG IT UP
There are plenty of job openings on the remote Scottish Island of Gigha, where the population is 100. 14 openings to be exact! They are looking for a: Shopkeeper, rent collector, postman, special constable, insurance agent, pier master, registrar, fire chief, ambulance driver, school bus driver, guest house owner, gas attendant, taxi driver and undertaker. Why so many openings on such a small island? It’s because 62-year-old Seamus McSporran decided to retire from his 15-hour a day job! Yep, he did all of these jobs! Seamus said that it’s time to hang it up and find another “man”, or “men”, to do it!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A growing number of Americans believe that Christians complain too much about domestic persecution. While a growing number of Christians and non-Christians believe religious intolerance is on the rise in the U.S., many find that Christians excessively protest their treatment. The story says that 71 percent of evangelicals and 70 percent of regular churchgoers agree that religious freedom is declining in the U.S. Forty-six percent of non-religious people believe religious liberty was on the decline. At the same time, Thirty-eight percent of Christians (over one-third) and 59 percent of non-Christians agreed that the religious community is too sensitive to persecution.
Christians say belief in God, forgiveness and honesty are the top “essentials” of what it means to be a Christian. The survey asked participants about a series of 16 beliefs and behaviors. Among Christians, believing in God tops the list, with 86 percent saying belief in God is “essential” to their Christian identity. Around seven out of 10 Christians say being grateful for what they have, forgiving those who have wronged them and always being honest are also essential to being Christian. Surprisingly, only 35 percent said that attending religious services is essential.
Tristan Jacobson’s lemonade stand was an overwhelming success. In fact, hundreds of people have come by to support the 9-year-old’s entrepreneurial enterprise in Springfield, Missouri. They were there to help Tristan achieve his goal: To raise enough money for his own adoption. The boy’s legal guardian, Donnie Davis, has been caring for Tristan since he was just a baby. For years, Davis has wanted to officially adopt Tristan — but the cost of the legal fees, about $10,000, were too high. Tristan decided to lend a hand so he set up a lemonade stand in the hopes of raising a few extra bucks for his family. After word of his cause spread across the country via news reports and social media, hundreds of strangers flocked to his aid. At last report Tristan’s lemonade stand had raised more than $7,000; and another $15,000 had been raised via an online fundraiser.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Diets are for those people who are thick and tired of it.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 22, 2016…
The Huntsman: Winter’s War—This time, there are two evil sisters who want the Magic Mirror. Charlize Theron is back as Ravenna and she has a sister, The Ice Queen, Freya (Emily Blunt) who can freeze with a glance. Can The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) and The Warrior (Jessica Chastain) go against them? Great costumes. Also in the cast is Nick Frost. “The Huntsman: Winter’s War” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
A Hologram For The King—Tom Hanks has quite a job here. He is a salesman who wants to travel to Saudi Arabia to try to get a big ITT contract. Can he manage it? The movie is based on the novel by Dave Eggers. Also in the cast are Alexander Black, Ben Whitshaw, Tom Skerritt and Sarita Choudbury. “A Hologram For The King” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
The Meddler—What happens when Mom becomes a widow and has nothing to do but pry into her daughter’s life? This is the premise of the film when the widow (Susan Sarandon) and her daughter (Rose Byrne) clash. Mom eventually turns to something different and finds she has a talent for it. The cast includes Jason Ritter, J. K. Simmons and Harry Hamlin. “The Meddler” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.
APRIL 29, 2016…
Keanu is an off-the-wall comedy about a lost cat. Stars Keegan-Michael Key.
Rachet & Clank comes from the computer game and is animated with voices of David Keye and James Arnold Taylor.
Mother’s Day is a comedy, directed by Garry Marshall with a host of stars including Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson and Jennifer Aniston.
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