April 28, 2018: Saturday ONAIRprep • Marlar House Productions

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This just in, a former top White House adviser has confirmed — stopping (THE JOCK SHOW) is not a priority for the Trump administration.

I majored in radio for a very good reason — I couldn’t spell “Business Administration.”

This show has more laughs than the men’s room at the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

[Jesus said,] “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” — Matthew 28:18-20

If, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life. — Romans 5:10

If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. — James 1:26

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. — Philippians 4:13

Thought: I don’t know about you, but I know I’ve grown soft and spoiled because of all the conveniences that I have allowed into my life. Could I honor God with my praises and thanksgivings if these conveniences were to suddenly vanish? I would like to think so. I want to be like Paul and live with the assurance that I can withstand any situation with the help of Christ.

Prayer: O God, without you my strength would fade and my confidence would fail. Thankfully I will never have to worry about this because your grace, your Spirit, and your Son will strengthen me and help me weather any storm. Thank you, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Galatians 4:28 NIV = Now you, brothers and sisters, like Isaac, are children of promise.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – APRIL 27, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 240 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is HAIR STYLIST APPRECIATION DAY. ***I’d like to thank my hairstylists, Barnum and Bailey…

Today is CHICKEN TICKLIN’ DAY. ***Who knew chickens are ticklish?

Today is RIP CORD DAY, marking the first successful parachute jump opening the parachute with a rip cord on this day in 1919 by Leslie Erwin of the U.S. Army Air Corps. Of course the BIG question is, “Why do they skydivers yell, ‘Geronimo’ when jumping out of a plane? Well, I’ve done some research and have found the answer…

GERONIMOOOOOOOO!!!

While the first successful parachute happened in 1919, it took us until 1940 to come up with “Geronimo!” It’s kind of an interesting story, actually. Mostly, it’s because yelling “Geronimo” beats screaming “I want my mommy!”

“Geronimo!” is attributed to Aubrey Eberhardt, a member of the U.S. Army’s parachute “test platoon” at Fort Benning, Georgia, in 1940. To speed up the drops, the brass decided to try a mass jump, in which the men would jump from the plane in quick succession. The men were nervous about this, and to relieve the tension a group of them went to see a western at the post movie house the night before the jump. The movie featured the cavalry mixing it up with the famous Apache chief Geronimo. None of our sources said exactly what movie this was, but one supposes it was Geronimo (1939) with Andy Devine and Gene Lockhart.

After the movie, strolling back to camp, Private Eberhardt announced that he expected the next day’s jump to be no different than any other. His friends immediately began to razz him, saying he’d be so scared he’d barely remember his name. This ticked off the six-foot-eight Eberhardt, so he declared, “All right, I tell you jokers what I’m gonna do! To prove to you that I’m not scared out of my wits when I jump, I’m gonna yell `Geronimo’ loudly when I go out that door tomorrow!”

By the next morning everyone had heard about Eberhardt’s promise. The lead plane flew over the field, and as the chutes popped open, the guys on the ground could clearly hear a shout of “Geronimo!” followed by an Indian war whoop. Eberhardt had made good on his boast and the unofficial yell of U.S. airborne troops had been born.

But what if the men hadn’t seen Geronimo at the movies the night before? In the theatres at the same time was The Wizard of Oz – which might have inspired the soldiers to yell, “Follow the yellow brick road!”

TODAY IS ALSO…

Biological Clock Day
Brave Hearts Day
International Table Top Day
International Sculpture Day
Bob Wills Day
Eeyore’s Birthday Day
National Dance Day
National Go Birding Day
National Herb Day
National Pool Opening Day
National Prepare-A-Thon Day
National Rebuilding Day
National Sense of Smell Day
National Superhero Day
National Take Back Day
Save The Frogs Day
Workers Memorial Day
World Day for Safety and Health at Work
World Healing Day
World Tai Chi & Qigong Day
World Veterinary Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SUNDAY, APRIL 29

Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare
International Dance Day
Mother, Father Deaf Day
National Pet Parent’s Day
“Peace” Rose Day
Pinhole Photography Day
World Wish Day
Zipper Day

MONDAY, APRIL 30

Adopt A Shelter Pet Day
Animal Advocacy Day
Beltane
Bugs Bunny Day
Day of Vesak
Kiss of Hope Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Bubble Tea Day
National Honesty Day
National Military Brats Day
National Prepareathon Day
Spank Out Day – USA
Walpurgis Night

TUESDAY, MAY 01

Batman Day (Also in September)
Beltane
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
Executive Coaching Day
Foster Care Day
Global Love Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Workers Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
Law Day
Lei Day
Lemonade Day
Loyalty Day
May Day
May One Day
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
Skyscraper Day
Stepmother’s Day
World Asthma Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 02

Great American Grump Out
Life Insurance Day
National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy
National (Deaf) Interpreter Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
World Tuna Day

THURSDAY, MAY 03

Garden Meditation Day
Lag B’Omer
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Textiles Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Paranormal Day
Public Radio Day
SAN Architect Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Day of Prayer
National Day of Reason
World Password Day

FRIDAY, MAY 04

Bird Day
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May the Fourth Be With You!)
International Firefighters Day
International Respect for Chickens Day
International Space Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
National Life Insurance Day
Petite and Proud Day
School Lunch Hero Day
Tuba Day
World Give Day

SATURDAY, MAY 05

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day
Bombshell’s Day
Cartoonists Day
Childhood Stroke Awareness Day
Cinco de Mayo
Free Comic Book Day
Herb Day
International Day of The Midwife
International Roller Derby Day
Join Hands Day
Kentucky Derby
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
National Auctioneers Day
National Astronaut Day
National Homebrew Day
National Scrapbooking Day
National Wildfire Community Preparedness Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
Silence The Shame Day
Start Seeing Monarchs Day
Totally Chipotle Day
World Naked Gardening Day

SUNDAY, MAY 06

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day
Joseph Brackett Day
Lemonade Day
Mariachi Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of The Bikes Day
National Infertility Survival Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day
Rural Life Sunday
Russel Stover Candies Day
World Laughter Day

MONDAY, MAY 07

Cosmopolitan Day
Design Packaging Day
Melanoma Monday
National Barrier Awareness Day
National Library Legislative Day
Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy

ON THIS DAY

1789: There was a mutiny on HMS Bounty as the crew of the British ship set Captain William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific.

1984: “Mama He’s Crazy” by the Judds entered the country music charts. Nurse Naomi had given the tape, made on a $30 Kmart cassette recorder, to a producer’s daughter, who was in the hospital.

1986: Crook & Chase, Lorianne and Charley, debuted on The Nashville Network.

1988: The Baltimore Orioles lost their 21st straight game, a major league record. The Orioles finally won their first game of the season the next day.

1991: The Strippers Hall of Fame opened in Helendale, California. Featured displays included the silver sequined pasties worn by Jennie “The Bazoom Girl” Lee and Jayne Mansfield’s pink sofa.

1991: A young man in Prague painted the last Soviet tank in Czechoslovakia pink. He showed police a fake work order from the city government authorizing the job.

1992: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,107,620) to Richard Mahan of Houston for his Electric Tablecloth, a battery-powered table cover designed to discourage insects from landing or walking on the table.

1992: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,109,421) to Douglas Fox of Van Nuys, California, for his Maternity Stereo Belt, a belt with a built-in stereo system to be worn by expectant mothers to entertain and educate unborn children.

1996: The city of Paris re-opened 18,771 trash cans to combat a growing litter problem. The receptacles had been sealed for months as a precaution against the depositing of terrorists bombs.

1999: Twenty-five San Diego State University students, about a third of their class, got an “F” for cheating. Seems they’d found the answers to a quiz and passed them around. The course? Business Ethics.

2000: On his 50th birthday, comedian Jay Leno got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

2002: The westbound lanes of Interstate 80 west of Green River, Wyoming, were closed for an hour after a semi truck with a trailer full of Hormel chili and another truck collided. Chili cans smashed through the trailer, broke open, and covered the pavement with slippery beans and meat. Quick thinking officials cleaned up the mess with a snowplow.

2005: Police and dozens of volunteers in Duluth, Georgia, searched for Jennifer Wilbanks, a bride-to-be who vanished two days earlier. Wilbanks became known as the “Runaway Bride” after running away on her own to Albuquerque, New Mexico.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1789: In the South Pacific, a band of hedonistic sailors stages the famous mutiny on the Bounty. The mutineers then sailed to uninhabited Pitcairn Island, where they soon fell into drinking and fighting. Only one man and several women (taken earlier as slaves) and children survived. The man, Alexander Smith, discovered the ship’s neglected Bible, repented, and transformed the community. The Bible is still on display in a Pitcairn church.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actress (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surger) Jessica Alba 37
actress (Gothika, Vanilla Sky, All the Pretty Horses) Penelope Cruz 44
actress (“Law & Order”) Elisabeth Rohm, 45
actors (“LOST”, “Alcatraz”) Jorge Garcia, 45
actress (“Blue Bloods”, iRobot) Bridget Moynahan, 47
actress (Laquita on “Martin,” Nina Campbell on “3rd Rock From The Sun”) Simbi Khali 47 (audio clip)
actress (Laura Roslin on the new “Battlestar Galactica,” the First Lady Marilyn Whitmore in Independence Day, Eleanor Carter on “E.R.”) Mary McDonnell 65 (audio clip)
comedian (host of “The Tonight Show”) Jay Leno is 68
actress (The Santa Clause 3, Any Given Sunday, Grumpy Old Men, Grumpier Old Men, A Streetcar Named Desire, Bye-Bye-Birdie, Viva Las Vegas) Ann-Margaret 77

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1924 : Blossom Dearie

1938 : Duane Eddy

1941 : Ann-Margret

1943 : Fantastic Johnny C

1945 : John Wolters (Dr. Hook)

1952 : Kim Gordan (Sonic Youth)

1955 : Eddie Jobson (Curved Air, Roxy Music)

1956 : Jimmy Barnes (Cold Chisel, INXS)

1966 : Too Short

1968 : Daisy Berkowitz (Marilyn Manson)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Do you think God had something more than “guilt” and “salvation” in mind when he created “forgiveness?” The answer could be YES!

There’s a new study out that says feeling guilty about things can actually be bad for your health! People who feel bad about stuff that really doesn’t matter, like eating chocolate, going shopping, or sitting in front of the television are more likely to have a weaker immune system… leading to a greater danger of disease… meaning their health could suffer. But those who don’t feel bad about doing things (or believe themselves to be forgiven) are better able to fight off infection, thus having better health. So it looks like God knew what He was doing yet again! Forgiveness… it’s not just for salvation… it’s for good health!

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear and Sully the Aardvark were about to go head to head in their regular checkers match… and it sounds as if they don’t pull any punches when it comes to playing the game or even trying to intimidate each other before the game begins!

CLOSE: Can’t miss them? I don’t even know what Gruffy is TALKING about! I don’t think I could follow those directions if they were printed out through MapQuest and fed into a GPS system! And who is this new guy… Grizz? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
You may feel it’s an emergency that you need a job – but calling the police is not going to help.

A man wanting to be a police officer in the UK didn’t make a very good first impression. The man sent in his application and when he didn’t hear from the police he thought he’d call to check to see if they received his paperwork. The only problem was that he decided to call the police by dialing 9-9-9 — the UK equivalent of America’s 9-1-1. Not only did the emergency operator chew him out, but also the police chief immediately rejected his application.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS THAT DRIVE A SANE PERSON MAD

10. You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

9. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

8. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

7. There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.

6. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

5. You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

4. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.

3. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).

2. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.

1. The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Not planning a good escape route could leave you knee-deep in yuck!

FILE #1: In Huntington, New York, a shoplifter chose the wrong escape route after he scaled a barbed wire fence, ran through the woods and jumped into a sewage drain. Police had seen Christian Vitale being chased by some Foot Locker employees outside Walt Whitman Mall. The officers joined the pursuit in which Christian made the mistake of jumping into the drain. He then found himself in a reservoir described as “thick as oil” and filled with discarded tires and refrigerators. Police easily plucked the 26-year-old out of the muck and arrested him.

FILE #2: One unidentified 36-year-old thief from Germany had more than a dime dropped on him. Three days after stealing a rare collection of coins, he took them to the bank for safe keeping. Soon after the thief made the deposit, a bank worker recognized the coins as the ones stolen from him. Police soon tracked the crook down and said, “I don’t think the thief was expecting that.”

FILE #3: Homemade cookies are good; homemade fireworks, not so much. However, that was apparently news to 35-year-old Jason Peltz, of Macedonia, Ohio. Police say Jason was apparently testing explosives for homemade fireworks in his house when something went wrong. Well, something in addition to testing explosives in his house. The ensuing explosion blew out the home’s windows, knocked the kitchen cabinets off the walls and tipped over the refrigerator. Amazingly, Jason lived to be arrested on charges of manufacturing dangerous materials.

STRANGE LAW: In Tylertown, Mississippi, it is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Asking a police officer for help is usually a good thing – unless your brain is on drugs.

In Statesboro, Georgia, Police Sergeant Jason Kearney was sitting in his patrol car when Ron Stone walked up and asked him for a ride to his car. Kearney said okay, but he’d have to search Stone for weapons first. Stone said to go ahead. The cop said he found no weapons, but Stone was carrying two bags of marijuana. Stone claimed the stuff wasn’t his, but a check found he was already wanted on an outstanding warrant of possessing the drug with intent to distribute. So he did get a free ride… to jail.

PHONER PHUN

You walk in to work and immediately get fired. Where is the first place you’d go to begin looking for a job – or where is the first place in town you’d apply for that job?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Xerxes (zurk’sez) “the Great” was king of Persia from 486-465 B.C. He was also known by the Hebrew name Ahasuerus (a-haz-u-e’rus). Who was his first queen?

ANSWER: Vashti (Esther)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Which U.S. state eats the most SPAM? (That’d be the meat-like substance, not unwanted e-mails)

ANSWER: Hawaii. (Spam is actually the state meat of Hawaii. Weird.)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Before it became PG, the “parental guidance” movie rating was known as what GP. (True)

2. Roger Moore, actor, (The Saint, numerous James Bond movies), was born in 1910. (False, 1926)

3. Mel Gibson’s dad was the actor who played the Joker in the TV version of Batman. (False, that was Cesar Romero)

4. Ronald Reagan married actress Nancy Davis. (True)

5. Marilu Henner portrayed Elaine Nardo on TV’s Taxi. (True)

6. Goldie Hawn was Thelma ‘Mama’ Harper on TV’s Mama’s Family? (False, Vicki Lawrence)

7. Mel Gibson provided the voice of the legendary Captain John Smith in Disney’s animated feature “Pocahontas.” (True)

8. Ludwig Von Drake is Donald Duck’s uncle. (True)

9. Director Oliver Stone was born in Germany. (False, New York City)

10. Warren Beatty’s sister is Suzanne Somers. (False, Shirley Maclaine)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ FOUND IN TOWN’S WATER SUPPLY (LAXATIVE)

FORT HONOR, OH– There’s a rumbling in this small Ohio town – and it’s not coming from the ground.

Fort Honor residents have been fielding more than just high gas prices. Between excessive flatulence and an excessive amount of time on the toilet, people in Fort Honor needed answers. When they turned to a scientist to query their wind-breaking woes, his findings rocked the town.

“Quite simply, there are large traces of laxative in the water,” the scientist said. “I’ve tested tap water in homes all over the area, and no house has been spared.”

Often taken for constipation, laxatives have been known to cause stomach cramps for some — and even explosive diarrhea for others. Abuse can bring even more issues than an individual had initially. And the biggest problem, according to the scientist, arises out of prolonged exposure.

“No one is supposed to have this much laxative in their system,” the scientist said. “The more you take it, the prone you are to damage in your colon and intestines. As far as why it’s happening, I just don’t know how anything like this is possible, considering there are no laxative factories in the area.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

“Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl – and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.” Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said.
“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

JOKE #2

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. “I’m here to fix the leaky pipe,” he announced.

“I didn’t call a plumber,” said the lady.

“What?” huffed the plumber. “Aren’t you Mrs. Frobisher?”

The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago,” explained the lady.

“How do you like that,” grunted the plumber. “They call you up and tell you it’s an emergency and then they move away!”

JOKE #3

A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get.

The boss says, “Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?”

The mechanic nods, confused.

“Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?”

“Oh yes,” says the mechanic.

“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?”

“Sir, I’ve been doing that for years!” says the wanna-be mechanic.

“Well in that case, I can’t use you. I have 12 men doing that already!” says the boss.

USELESS FACTS

The Platypus can eat its weight in worms every day. ***I know it can, but why the heck would it want to?

“Hey, doc, did you wash your hands?” In an era of rising rates of drug-resistant infections and overburdened medical staffs, hygiene experts say the best-protected patients are those willing to take safety into their own hands — by asking health workers to wash theirs – because doctors and nurses are only washing half as often as they should. ***Even cats and dogs wash themselves up regularly. How sad is it that we’d be better off with our dogs licking our wounds then letting doctors use a scalpel?

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE

“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”
“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow.” Protested his nephew.
“I know,” replied the uncle, “that’s exactly what I mean.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DRIVE THROUGH PRAYER
There’s a special drive-through in Virginia that offers up something more than fast food. Bishop Nathaniel Johnson, of Sweet Holy Haven Church of God, has been standing in front of his church offering drive-through prayer to anyone who stops by from 6 to 9 a.m., seven days a week, rain or shine. “We’ve got drive-through banks and drive-through hamburger joints. Why not drive-through prayer?” Johnson says. He admits it’s not easy to get out of bed at 5:15 every morning and head outdoors before dawn, especially when few people bother to stop by. But when business is a little slow, he says he just waves to the passing cars. ***MARLAR: Okay, so… that’s one prayer for your sick mother, one prayer for your friend to find a job, on breakfast burrito, and a large coffee. Would you like communion with that?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

CHOOSE IT

Two men fell on hard times. Try as they might, they couldn’t find work. They heard that a museum was willing to pay $50 apiece for live rattlesnakes so, in desperation, they decided to catch snakes.

Outfitted with a net and basket, they hiked to a remote area renowned for its large snake population. But as they scaled a steep ledge, the rock gave way and they tumbled down the slippery bank — into a deep pit crawling with rattlesnakes!

One of the men quickly sized up the situation and shouted excitedly to his friend, “Look! We’re rich! We’re rich!”

Some people see good in anything! And I suppose there’s usually a brighter side. Take aging, for instance. As we grow older, our skin turns from satin to cotton to seersucker to corduroy. But, on a brighter side, I’m just glad wrinkles don’t hurt!

It has to do with how we look at our situation. Like a sign spotted outside a New England shop: “We buy junk. Antiques for sale.” Is your attic full of junk or antiques? It’s a matter of perspective.

Your greatest power may well be your power to choose. As Abraham Lincoln wisely said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” The truth is, we can choose to view many of our problems as opportunities, we can choose to age in body without aging in spirit, and we can choose to be encouraged by the good of life, rather than discouraged by the bad.

It’s your point of view! Choose it! –Steve Goodier

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

STILL TRUSTING

Read: Psalm 139:1-16

In Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me. —Psalm 139:16

How could this happen? How could God allow our beautiful daughter Melissa to be taken from us in a car accident at age 17? And it’s not just us. It’s also our friends Steve and Robyn, whose daughter Lindsay, Melissa’s friend, died 9 months earlier. And what about Richard and Leah, whose son Jon—another of Melissa’s friends—lies in a gravesite within 50 yards of both Lindsay and Melissa?

How could God allow these three Christian teens to die within 16 months of each other? And how can we still trust Him?

Unable to comprehend such tragedies, we cling to Psalm 139:16—”In Your book they were all written, the days fashioned for me.” By God’s design, our children had a specific number of days to live, and then He lovingly called them home to their eternal reward. And we find comfort in God’s mysterious words, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints” (116:15).

The death of those close to us could rob us of our trust in God—taking with it our reason for living. But God’s unfathomable plan for the universe and His redemptive work continue, and we must honor our loved ones by holding on to His hand. We don’t understand, but we still must trust God as we await the great reunion He has planned for us. —Dave Branon

Though tragedy, heartache, and sorrow abound
And many a hardship in life will be found,
I’ll put all my trust in the Savior of light,
For He can bring hope in the darkest of night. —D. De Haan

Don’t let tragedy steal your trust in God.

LEFTOVERS

OH, BEHAVE!
Bad behavior will not be tolerated at an upcoming high school graduation in Florida. In fact, notes will have to be signed promising that everyone will behave and stay in good conduct. But we’re not talking about the graduating seniors here, it’s the graduating senior’s parents that have to sign the forms for their own conduct! The Broward School board is asking parents to sign a letter promising that they’ll leave air horns, noisemakers and loud disruptive behavior at home this year. Parents who refuse to sign the letter will not get their tickets to the graduation ceremony. Board members also suggested extra security to remove rowdy relatives and to check bags for noisemakers! ***MARLAR: As insane as this may sound, it’s not really that bad. In this day and age, it’s actually refreshing that the biggest security concern at a high school is noisemakers and excited parents!

LIFE… LIVE IT

You can’t mark this one up as just coincidence. No way.

…Carolyn Holt of St. Charles County, Missouri, was driving when she went into cardiac arrest. Her vehicle crossed over three lanes in a heavy rush hour traffic without hitting anyone, then came to rest gently against a guardrail. Four people stopped to help her. Two of them were registered nurses. A third was Steve Earle, who makes a living selling defibrillators, the devices used to shock a patient’s heart into a regular rhythm. Earle grabbed the defibrillator he uses for demonstrations and rushed to help. The two nurses started cardiopulmonary resuscitation, but Holt wasn’t breathing. Earle and one of the nurses hooked Holt up to the defibrillator and delivered a shock. Holt got a pulse back and paramedics rushed the woman to the hospital. ***MARLAR: There you go… proof that God exists.

JUST FOR FUN

Things NOT to do at a job interview…

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews worried about what to do and what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond the don’ts. A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. These are some of the strangest examples.

“… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
“She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
“A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to the office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
“… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and fries during the interview.”
“Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his
forearm.”
“Interrupted the interview to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
“Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
“Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
“Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.
Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

FUN LIST

TRUTHS I’VE LEARNED THROUGH MY CHILDREN

This is from a San Diego father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children:

There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades they can ignite.
A 4-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh” it is already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke – lots of it.
A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000-sq.-ft. house almost 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
Duplos will not.
Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.
Super Glue is forever.
MacGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
So can Tarzan.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably don’t want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TIME TO HANG IT UP 

There are plenty of job openings on the remote Scottish Island of Gigha, where the population is 100. 14 openings to be exact! They are looking for a: Shopkeeper, rent collector, postman, special constable, insurance agent, pier master, registrar, fire chief, ambulance driver, school bus driver, guest house owner, gas attendant, taxi driver and undertaker. Why so many openings on such a small island? It’s because 62-year-old Seamus McSporran decided to retire from his 15-hour a day job! Yep, he did all of these jobs! Seamus said that it’s time to hang it up and find another “man”, or “men”, to do it!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Diets are for those people who are thick and tired of it.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

APRIL 27, 2018…

Avengers: Infinity War—The blockbuster spring/summer season is starting early with this comic book character-driven film. Just about everyone who can hold a script and wear a costume is in the film, such as Karen Gillan, Elizabeth Olson, Josh Brolin (as Thanos the villain), Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) and Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. Plus, as they used to say in the old movie epics, “a cast of thousands.” Actually, now, computerization takes care of that. The basic plot is that things have been going smoothly for the dynamic ones, until Thanos decides he wants all the Infinity Stones to rule the world, and away he goes. Then, the fate of Earth is in the hands of…you guessed it. “Avengers: Infinity War” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Animal Crackers—An animated film about what happens when you are suddenly gifted (inheritance) a circus, but it turns out it is a broken-down circus. What to do? The usual ads are working, but suddenly, the new owner finds a box of “magic crackers” and finds he can become any animal he wants. Hmm. Voices of John Krasinki, Emily Blunt, Danny De Vito and Ian McKellan as the villain (and there always is one.) “Animal Crackers” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for circus fans.

I Feel Pretty—Amy Schumer stars in this film about an insecure woman who thinks no one sees her at all. After a fall, Amy wakes up thinking she is a beautiful woman and that now people will REALLY see her. Kind of like the “Emperor’s New Clothes.” Also in the cast are Michelle Will, Busy Phillips, Lauren Hutton and Tom Hopper. “I Feel Pretty” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MAY 04, 2018…

Overboard is a remake of the Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn film of clashing personalities. This one stars Anna Faris.

The Bad Samaritan has a thief discovering a drastic secret in one of the houses he chooses to rob. Stars David Tennant.

Son Of Bigfoot is an animated film of a teenager trying to find his father. Voice of Pappy Faulkner.

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