NOTE: You may have noticed the slight changes to the welcome page for ONAIRprep – primarily, the green “Member Entrance” button and the red “Member Login” button. You will need to begin using these buttons on Monday, May 4TH as we revert back to using unique usernames and passwords to gain admittance to the prep pages. Be on the lookout for an email with more information about this important and overdue change.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – an outstanding example of how radio hasn’t progressed as far as we thought.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“When the king smiles, there is life; his favor refreshes like a gentle rain.” –Proverbs 16:15
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross! — Philippians 2:5-8
HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. — James 1:27
Thought: Yesterday James reminded us how important our “talk” is. Today he reminds us about our walk. True religion is not all talk. We must live and love as Christ did. Caring for widows, orphans, and others that are forgotten and overlooked while we are keeping ourselves holy to God is what “Christ living” is all about.
Prayer: Loving God, give me eyes to see the people that need your blessing. Please lead me to the folks in our church, our neighborhood, and our work or school that feel forgotten and overlooked. Help me to not only see them, but to include them so they can know the love that you have for them! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY
Deuteronomy 4:29 NIV = But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – APRIL 29, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 241 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
This is GOODWILL WEEK. ***MARLAR: To celebrate we’ll be donating all unused jokes today to charity.
Today is NATIONAL ADULT PUBLIC SKIPPING DAY, a day for adults to skip in public to feel like a child again. ***MARLAR: For additional fun, try skipping to the restroom –that way you can literally “skip to my loo.”
Today is NATIONAL DANCE DAY. ***MARLAR: Be sure to remember to stop skipping first though, otherwise you might throw something out of alignment.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Peace Rose Day
Adopt a Shelter Pet Day
COMING UP NEXT
THURSDAY, APRIL 30
Bugs Bunny Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Honesty Day
Spank Out Day (USA)
FRIDAY, MAY 01
Executive Coaching Day
Keep Kids Alive, Drive 25 Day
National Bubba Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
SATURDAY, MAY 02
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
SUNDAY, MAY 03
Garden Meditation Day
International Baby Lost Mother’s Day (Bereaved Mothers Day)
Lumpy Rug Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of the Bikes Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Infertility Survival Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Public Radio Day
World Press Freedom Day
MONDAY, MAY 04
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May The Fourth Be With You)
International Respect for Chickens Day
Petite and Proud Day
World Give Day
TUESDAY, MAY 05
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
National Teacher Day
Totally Chipotle Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 06
Great American Grump Out
Joseph Brackett Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
ON THIS DAY
1950: “The Third Man Theme” by Anton Karas hit #1 in the U.S. and stayed there for 11 weeks, history’s only #1 instrumental featuring a zither.
1974: Phil Donahue’s TV talk show moved from Dayton, Ohio, to Chicago, where it would win nine Emmy Awards in 11 years before moving to New York City in 1985.
1976: Singer Bruce Springsteen climbed the fence at Graceland in Memphis, but security guards grabbed him and tossed him out. ***MARLAR: You may be the boss, but that still gets trumped by a King.
1981: Steve Carlton of the Philadelphia Phillies became the first left-handed pitcher in the major leagues to strike out 3,000 batters.
1986: Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens set a major league record by striking out 20 batters in a nine-inning game against Seattle. That broke Nolan Ryan’s record of 19.
1988: Forrest City, Arkansas, held its first racially integrated high school prom.
1988: Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson were married in Florida. They divorced in 1993.
1990: Surgeons in Jacksonville, Florida, removed a benign tumor from the abdomen of a 47-year-old woman, who went to the emergency room fearing she was having a heart attack. The tumor weighed 65 pounds. ***MARLAR: That’d sure make losing weight go a lot faster.
1990: A wrecking crane began tearing down the Berlin Wall at the historic Brandenberg Gate. The Wall had divided East and West Berlin since August 1961.
1992: Actor Emilio Estevez married singer Paula Abdul in Santa Monica.
1992: Rioting erupted in Los Angeles after a jury acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King.
1995: The longest sausage ever was created in Kitchener, Ontario — 28.77 miles.
1998: A bra once worn by Madonna sold at auction in London for $4,250. At the same auction, an outfit worn by Elvis brought $15,450.
2002: A new Thai company called “Anything You Can Think Of” was formed to provide people to cry at funerals, scream at rock concerts, slap faces, wean children from the Internet, or anything legal. Having someone’s face slapped cost $23.39.
2004: A ruptured pipeline spilled an estimated 85,000 gallons of diesel fuel into Suisun Bay, east of San Francisco.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1380: Italian mystic Catherine of Siena dies from exhaustion brought on by her efforts to bring unity to the church. Her visions, experienced since childhood, and her persistent pleading led Pope Gregory XI to return the papal seat to Rome from Avignon, France.
1429: Joan of Arc, who had experienced mystical visions and voices since childhood, enters the besieged French city of Orleans to lead a victory over the English. The next day, the English retreated, but, because it was a Sunday, Joan refused to allow any pursuit. On a sortie the next year, The English captured Joan and put her on trial for heresy.
1525: Fray Pedro de Cordoba dies. He was a mentor to Las Casas, the “Father of the Indians.”
1535: Monks in England are executed for refusing to acknowledge Henry VIII as the head of the church.
1607: The first Anglican church is established in the American colonies, at Cape Henry, Virginia.
1848: Thomas Jackson, who became one of the great generals of the Civil War, confesses Christ by public baptism at St. John’s Episcopal church in New York City. He exhibited deep concern for the spiritual condition of each man under his command.
1933: Dawson Trotman begins a work with Navy men that leads to the formation of the Navigators, a discipleship organization.
1945: 500 Greek Catholic clergymen in the cathedral at Lwow, Poland are surrounded by police, arrested, and many shot.
1952: Death of Samuel Zwemer, “Apostle to Islam.” He co-founded The Arabian Mission and served as missionary, field evaluator and author for many years.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actress (Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Batman & Robin, Prime) Uma Thurman 45
- Tennis pro Andre Agassi is 45
- Actress (I Am Sam, What Lies Beneath, Stardust, Up Close & Personal) Michelle Pfeiffer 57
- Actress (Jan on “The Brady Bunch”) Eve Plumb is 57 (audio clip)
- Actor (The Last of the Mohicans, Gangs of New York, There Will Be Blood) Daniel Day-Lewis is 58
- Actress (“The Black Donnellys” , “Star Trek: Voyager”) Kate Mulgrew is 60 (audio clip)
- Comedian (“Seinfeld”) Jerry Seinfeld is 61 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1899 : Duke Ellington
1928 : Carl Gardner (The Coasters)
1929 : Ray Barretto
1931 : Lonnie Donegan
1933 : Willie Nelson
1934 : Otis Rush
1936 : April Stevens
1942 : Klaus Voorman (Manfred Mann)
1943 : Duane Allen (The Oak Ridge Boys)
1947 : Tommy James
1947 : Joel Larson (The Grass Roots)
1949 : Francis Rossi (Status Quo)
1968 : Carnie Wilson (Wilson Phillips)
1970 : Master P
1973 : Mike Hogan (The Cranberries)
1979 : Matt Tong (Bloc Party)
1979 : Jo O’Meara (S Club 7)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
When I watch the Discovery Channel, and they’re talking about testing medicines with blind tests and double blind tests, I begin to wonder what the difference between those two tests really is.
Blind tests. Double blind tests. What’s the difference between those two? Needless to say, what both DO have in common is a group of patients. Some get the new medication while others receive a placebo (a fake drug that doesn’t really do anything). The question is, who knows what was given to whom? In a blind test, the patients do not know if they got the placebo or the real thing. But the doctor administering the medication does know which drug went to which patient. This keeps the patients from having a subjective reaction and skewing the results. But it’s always possible the doctor could unconsciously signal to patients what they were getting. In a double-blind test, patient and doctor are each in the dark about who gets what drug. The doctor doesn’t know to whom she gave the experimental whosamajiggie, and who swallowed peppermint candy. ***MARLAR: Next I guess we’ll see a triple blind study… where the doctors nor the patients know what the drug even is, or whether it’s the patients or the doctors that are getting the drugs. Now that sounds like quality entertainment right there!
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Selah was in the middle of a traffic jam this week. Group member Todd Smith tweeted that the traffic jam was in Amish country, meaning that they were creeping along at 10 miles per hour. Selah is on tour right now with Point of Grace.
Love and The Outcome member Jodi has a new BFF. She’s been hanging out with Natalie Grant’s young daughter Sadie while Love and The Outcome tours with Natalie. Jodi says they would make great shopping buddies.
Right now you can listen to the entire new album from Jamie Grace’s sister Morgan Nichols. Even though her debut album doesn’t come out until May 19 you can stream the entire project on your smart phone or table right now. Just download The Overflow App and search for Morgan Nichols.
Jeremy Camp is out with a seven day devotional journey based on his record I Will Follow. It’s available on the Overflow App through the YouVersion Online Bible. Access the devotional at http://t.co/0KpOKWGeZS.
Colton Dixon recently had a run in with the mirror on his tour bus. He tweeted that he might have even chipped a tooth. But Matthew West go to the question on everyone’s mind. He replied to Colton’s tweet: but is your hair ok?
How much time to you spend deciding what your are going to wear? Francesca Battistelli was discussing that topic in a recent blog. She shared about everything from deciding what to wear on stage to her wardrobe during the day when she is out of the public eyes. Check out her thoughts at http://t.co/MzqAKaILMR.
Aaron Shust has a new job description and he said it might be his favorite ever. His job description over the weekend was: “Paving the way for the Gospel to be presented”. Aaron was on stage with Will Graham. He shared that 582 people made decisions to follow Jesus as Lord at the weekend event.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Burnt macaroni and cheese forces evacuation at Iowa Capitol
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — A burnt bowl of macaroni and cheese forced a brief evacuation at the Iowa Capitol. Iowa Department of Administrative Services spokesman Caleb Hunter says somebody’s lunch burned in a microwave Monday behind the Senate Chambers on the second floor of the Capitol. He…
|89-year-old former Kansas player scores in alumni scrimmage photo
LAWRENCE, Kan. (AP) — An 89-year-old former University of Kansas football player has gained fresh fame after making a touchdown run during an alumni scrimmage. HASH(0x1400b10) “That was fun,” the Pittsburg resident said. “I didn’t know if I could run.” Sperry was 17 years old when he first…
|Teen, missing for 4 days, lived off school’s fruit trees
CUPERTINO, Calif. (AP) — Authorities say a 17-year-old boy who went missing for nearly four days before he returned to his Northern California home told his family he hid on his high school campus, surviving on fruit from trees and drinking from the water fountain. The San Francisco Chronicle…
|Coyote collared after lower Manhattan police chase photo
NEW YORK (AP) — A wily coyote is no match for the NYPD. Police collared the creature near a sidewalk cafe in downtown Manhattan on Saturday morning. The coyote was spotted shortly after 7:30 a.m. in the Battery Park City neighborhood. Officers tailed her up and down a marina and a Hudson…
|Quacking duck ringtone helps firefighter rescue ducklings
SLIDELL, La. (AP) — Quack! Quack! A duck call ringtone helped a Louisiana firefighter rescue six ducklings from a storm drain. Spokesman Chad Duffaut of St. Tammany Fire District #1 says even with realistic quacking sounds coming from his cellphone, it took Firefighter Cody Knecht about 90…
|Man driving motorhome leads Alaska State Troopers on a chase
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — An Alaska man used a motorhome in a failed attempt to elude arrest by state troopers. Eligah Christian of Wasilla was arrested Friday morning, but not before he mashed the bulky vehicle into several patrol cars. Christian, 49, was being sought on a $100,000 warrant on…
|3 young women jailed in Russia for twerking next to monument
MOSCOW (AP) — A court in southern Russia has sentenced three young women to brief jail terms for making a video showing them twerking next to a World War II memorial. Russia celebrates the 70th anniversary of the Allies’ victory in the World War II next month, an emotionally charged holiday…
|College’s goat- and sheep-guarding donkey has surprise birth
SOUTH KINGSTOWN, R.I. (AP) — The University of Rhode Island may have a new guard for its animal herd after a baby donkey was unexpectedly born. Jenny, one of the university’s two guard donkeys, gave birth to the foal Sunday at the school’s Peckham Farm. The university uses the donkeys to…
|Manure trade show’s slogan contest produces pile of entries
Entries are piling up for a slogan contest being held this year by the North American Manure Expo. The trade show, now in its 13th year, showcases the latest technology in manure handling, treatment and application. It’s being held in July in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania. An official event slogan has…
|Swedish police on vacation break up fight on New York subway
NEW YORK (AP) — New York City Police Commissioner William Bratton is thanking four Swedish law enforcement officers who broke up a fight on the subway. Erik Naslund, Samuel Kvarzell, Markus Asberg and Eric Jansberger were headed to see a Broadway performance of “Les Miserables” on Wednesday…
|WWII-era bomb found on college campus, detonated by military
WRIGHTSTOWN, N.J. (AP) — The ground shook near a New Jersey military base as an explosives team detonated a 500-pound World War II-era bomb that had been found on the campus of a community college. The unexploded ordnance was taken to Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst. It had been discovered…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|US lowers fluoride in water; too much causing splotchy teeth photo
NEW YORK (AP) — The government is lowering the recommended amount of fluoride in drinking water because some kids are getting too much, causing white splotches on their teeth. It’s the first change since the government urged cities to add fluoride to water supplies to prevent tooth decay more…
|Source of Ohio botulism cases likely was potato salad
LANCASTER, Ohio (AP) — Health officials say the likely source of the botulism outbreak that killed one person and sickened many others at an Ohio church potluck dinner was home-canned potatoes used in a potato salad. The Ohio Department of Health said Monday that testing has narrowed the…
|Indiana HIV outbreak, hepatitis C epidemic sparks CDC alert
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — An Indiana county is experiencing nearly daily increases in new HIV infections tied to intravenous drug use, and health officials hope the situation prompts other states to closely track their hepatitis C and HIV rates to identify potential clusters of the diseases….
|Health officials say ice cream is safe despite some recalls photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health officials say ice cream is still safe to eat — even amid recalls by two ice cream companies after the discovery of listeria bacteria in their frozen confections. The Food and Drug Administration and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say…
|Teen who fought cancer treatment heads home from hospital photo
HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) — A 17-year-old girl forced by the courts to undergo chemotherapy for her cancer has finished that treatment and was released Monday from a hospital where she had been confined since December. The teen, identified only as Cassandra C, told The Associated Press in text…
|Washington gov. signs overhaul of medical marijuana market photo
OLYMPIA, Wash. (AP) — Nearly two decades after voters passed a medical marijuana law that often left police, prosecutors and even patients confused about what was allowed, Gov. Jay Inslee signed a bill Friday attempting to clean up that largely unregulated system and harmonize it with…
|Hawaii poised to become 1st state to raise smoking age to 21 photo
HONOLULU (AP) — A bill that would make Hawaii the first state to raise the legal smoking age to 21 cleared the Legislature on Friday and is headed to the governor. The bill would prevent adolescents from smoking, buying or possessing both traditional and electronic cigarettes. “It’s…
|Ohio officials closer to finding source of deadly botulism
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Officials say they are closer to finding the source of botulism that killed one person and sickened many more after a church picnic in central Ohio last weekend. Ohio Department of Health spokeswoman Michelle Loparo said Friday that six food samples retrieved from a…
|Q&A: What’s listeria and how is it traced to ice cream? photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — New technologies account for one way that the government is tracking a life-threatening outbreak of listeria linked to Blue Bell ice cream products. Texas-based Blue Bell Creameries recalled all its products this week after listeria was found in a variety of the company’s…
|CDC using new technology to track listeria Illnesses photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The government is relying on some new technology — as well as a bit of luck — to track an outbreak of life-threatening listeria linked to Blue Bell ice cream products. Texas-based Blue Bell Creameries recalled all its products this week as listeria was found in a…
|VA pledges broad review of claims processing
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Department of Veterans Affairs said Wednesday it has launched a top-down review of its handling of disability claims and pledged to punish those who falsify data as pressure mounted on Capitol Hill for personnel changes amid mismanagement investigations in Philadelphia…
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NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A South African kayaker recently came face-to-face with a great white shark when the predator grabbed his boat, gouged it and then spent an hour harassing him. ***MARLAR: Apparently sharks don’t know how politically incorrect bullying is nowadays.
A Kentucky woman who allegedly tried to strangle another woman with a bra was thwarted recently when the victim fought back with a ceramic chicken. ***Nothing I can add to this story will make it any funnier.
In Ohio a woman stabbed her boyfriend because he was eating all the salsa. ***MARLAR: So you know that has to be some pretty danged good salsa.
An armed robber in his 60s broke his leg while holding up a convenience store in Japan. He then used the store’s phone to call an ambulance. Police are planning to arrest the suspect when he is released from hospital. ***MARLAR: As for any excuse he might come up with for his actions – he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
If you’re looking to stash some cash at home, you don’t want to hide it somewhere obvious — like under a mattress or in your dresser drawer. You want to put it someplace that no sticky-fingered person would think to look. AOL asked its readers where they squirrel away their secret cash: In the Tampon Box, In a Bra, In a Toilet Paper Roll, In a Fake Drain, In the Hamper, in an old purse, In a Fake Plant, In a Can, In their Tax Files, Inside a Picture Frame, In a Vacuum, In Between Cement Bags, In an Old Winter Coat, Inside a Wooden Door, Inside Curtain Rods, even Under the Litter Box. ***MARLAR: Of course, now we know to look in those places too, so you’ll need to be more creative now.
A report published in an issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine recaps the daily non-work, non-sleep activities of 80,000 American adults, and splits them up based on relative intensities (sedentary, light, moderate and vigorous). Only 5 percent of people evaluated got any vigorous activity — think running, biking or strength training — in a given day. Along with phone calls, television and reading, snack prep ranked high on the list of preferred daily activities. Eighty percent of Americans engaged in daily TV watching, while only 25 percent spent time cooking. In yet another startling statistic, the research team found that 78 percent of Americans reported spending time “washing, dressing, and grooming oneself.” ***MARLAR: Meaning 22% don’t wash or dress at all.
A Chinese man says he has become addicted to eating live scorpions and reckons he’s swallowed at least 10,000 over the last 30+ years. Li Liuqun says he got hooked when he was walking in mountains close to his home in Hunan province, central China, and was stung by a huge scorpion. “I was so angry I picked it up and bit its head off. It tasted sweet and nutty and I never looked back. To me, they’re delicious – like fried beans,” he explained. Now Li will eat 20 or 30 of the live beasts in a single sitting and seems to be immune to their venom, which can paralyze and kill humans in large enough doses. ***MARLAR: He hopes to increase the number to approximately 50 live scorpions per day, at which point he feels he’d possibly having a shot at surviving a meal from Denny’s.
Recent research powerfully strengthens the case against soda and other sugary drinks as culprits in the obesity epidemic. A huge, decades-long study involving more than 33,000 Americans has yielded the first clear proof that drinking sugary beverages interacts with genes that affect weight, amplifying a person’s risk of obesity beyond what it would be from heredity alone. Meanwhile, a provocative study suggests a connection between the BPA chemical used in food packaging and childhood obesity. ***MARLAR: So, in conclusion, avoid ALL foods and ALL drinks unless you want to be fat.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “X-Ray Vision”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Booger Ball”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk made new badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles – but he made them defective so they’d break easily and his friends would have to keep buying new racquets. Will his scheme work? Let’s find out, As the Jungle Turns…
CLOSE: Double notched racquets – wouldn’t those break twice as easily as the single notched racquets? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 02/03, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
CLOSE: And you thought YOU were busy! Tune in again next time – if you have time, that is – to see what the jungle animals do about their own time problems! As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Garrett A. Dalton of Naugatuck, Connecticut is in a bit of hot water after running a 40-yard-dash dressed in women’s clothes and high heels. Oh, there’s nothing illegal with running around in drag — unless you’ve filed for workman’s comp because you supposedly are too injured to work. Garrett made the idiot mistake of participating in the local contest for concert tickets. He was arrested for workman’s comp fraud after being recognized on a TV news report covering the event. Prosecutors say Garret collected more than $5,000 after reporting a work-related injury. And no, he didn’t win the contest.
TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE
- Wear a top hat.
- Throw popcorn in the air, and yell, “It’s snowing!”
- During the previews, yell, “Can you fast-forward it?”
- Whenever the badguy is doing something devious, say, “Watch out!”
- Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
- Tell the man selling popcorn that the girl’s bathroom is flooding.
- Yell out what is going to happen.
- Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for your asthma.
- Go, “Oooooh…” whenever anyone kisses.
- Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
There are some places that you just should not rob.
FILE #1: In Merelbeke, Belgium Charles Gerber broke into a church and grabbed the collection box. Unknown to Charlie, the priest at the church had been worried about theft and had rigged up his own burglar alarm. He connected the church’s bells to the collection box and when Chuck tried to carry it away the church bells started ringing. The priest heard the bells and called the cops who caught Chuck red handed.
FILE #2: Some scams are doomed to failure right from the start. Ronnie J. Allard, a delivery man, had his girlfriend steal Notre Dame season football tickets — valued at $10,000 — from the porch of the house where he had just delivered them. Allard apparently did not think far enough in the future to realize that he would’ve been caught at the very first home game in South Bend… seeing as the ticket owners would most certainly be wondering who would end up in those seats once they discovered their tickets were stolen. But, alas, the scam never got that far, because Allard got into a fight with his girlfriend, and, when police came to the house on a domestic disturbance call, she told them about the tickets.
FILE #3: Fingerprints catch a criminal… at the police academy! A police recruit, after taking part in a standard fingerprinting exercise at the Royal New Zealand Police College, has been arrested when his own prints matched him to an outstanding warrant for a serious assault – and assault that took place just last week! “By and large, the people we get are top of the line, top drawer,” Superintendent Alistair Beckett said. “They normally don’t have things from the past they want to hide.” Starting in October all recruits will be fingerprinted before training begins.
STRANGE LAW: You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time when in the state of Alabama.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Two crooks steal the worst getaway vehicle of all time…
Two men in Askvoll, Norway, broke into an ambulance boat, possibly looking for drugs, but they set off an alarm. The crew came running, and the men tried to escape in a small rowboat, but they had one minor problem: they didn’t know how to row. The ambulance boat quickly chased them down because they were paddling in opposite directions and slowly turning in tiny circles.
If you could change one thing about television, what would it be?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: For what occasion did the disciples prepare in a friend’s guest room?
ANSWER: The Passover (Mark 14:14)
QUESTION: According to Matthew, how many generations were in each of the eras from Abraham to David, from David to the captivity, and from the captivity to Christ?
ANSWER: Fourteen (Matthew 1:17)
QUESTION: Name the city that was destroyed at the same time as Ai.
ANSWER: Bethel (Joshua 8:17)
QUESTION: What is the only state that allows voting from space?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Val Kilmer once considered a run for Governor of New Mexico. (True)
- Roy Roger’s horse Trigger was ridden by Rogers in every one of his motion pictures. (True, and after the horse’s death at the age of 33, his hide was mounted over a plaster likeness and put on display at The Roy Rogers/Dale Evans Museum in Branson, Missouri.)
- In Morse Code, a sequence of five consecutive dots represents the number five. (True)
- There are five “fingers” in a bat’s wing. (True)
- The name of the dog in RCA Victor’s trademark is Rex. (False, Nipper)
- Henry Fonda has a son named Peter. (True, and he also is an accomplished actor)
- The Equator intersects with an imaginary line at zero degrees latitude, zero degrees longitude. That line is called, “The Solarplex.” (False, it’s caled The Prime Meridian)
- The American Civil War began in April of 1822. (False, 1861)
- Yuri Gagarin of the USSR was the first man in space. (True)
- The state of Kansas, originally belonged to France. (False, but Louisiana did)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
PENTAGON TO BUILD ________ (TERMINATORS)
WASHINGTON – The Department of Defense is building “Terminators” to defend the government against enemies – foreign AND domestic.
The U.S. Department of Defense announced the launch of ”living” computer systems with artificial intelligence that are capable of following orders from military officers.
The U.S. military is no longer satisfied with the speed of analysis and data quality of modern computers and they do not like that soldiers and computers are separated. They want them to be in one “military unit.”
Thus, they are going to producer “terminators.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
On a recent trip into town I observed a very peculiar thing happening via two city workers. One would dig a hole, walk a few yards, dig another hole, and then walk a few more yards… you get the point. The second man would come behind the first man and fill the hole that had just been dug, walk a few yards, fill the next hole, and so on. These actions quite puzzled me. Furthermore, these two men were working very hard! One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
Finally I couldn’t hold my confusion in any longer-I had to find out what they were doing. “I appreciate how hard you’re working,” I said to the first man, “But why are you digging a hole when your partner comes behind you and just fills it up again?”
“Oh yeah, I guess it must look pretty funny,” the hole digger replied, taking a break to wipe the sweat off his forehead. “But the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”
Miss Smith and Little Johnny’s father were having a parent teacher conference. Miss Smith said to Little Johnny’s father, “Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.”
Little Johnny’s father asked, “What’s that?”
“With grades like these, he couldn’t possibly be cheating.”
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items… with a “thank you” note from the manufacturer.
“Well, What do you think?” asked his smiling wife, Olga.
“I think that next time,” Dewey replied. “I’m writing to Mercedes-Benz”.
Australian researchers have found that eating foods high in fat and sugar reduces anxiety. In lab tests, scientists took two groups of young rats away from their mothers and gave one group junk food and the other healthy food. They found that the rats on junk food were much calmer than the rats that ate healthy foods. The bad news is, junk food still makes you fat and it isn’t good for you. The researchers say they’ll next see if exercise can be as good as junk food at relieving stress. ***MARLAR: I’ll answer that. Uh… no.
A Japanese court has ordered a McDonald’s to pay more than $70,300 to an overworked store manager for years of unpaid overtime. 46-year-old Hiroshi Takano claimed that he had worked more than 100 hours of overtime each month, without taking a day off. He’d come to work at 6:00 a.m. and the increasing number of responsibilities would usually find him heading for home about midnight. ***MARLAR: McDonald’s is planning to McAppeal.
A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”
Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I got to see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”
When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.
Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from the cup.
The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that?” There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”
As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”
The trainer responded, “Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Planning on working in the convenience store industry? If so, just make sure you don’t have a super-hero complex, it might get you fired!
Antonio Feliciano was working at a 7-Eleven store in Martinsburg, West Virginia, when a man walked in with a sawed-off shotgun and attempted to rob the place. But Antonio, instead of handing over the cash like most rational people would do, decided to wrestle the gun away from the criminal. He succeeded, no one was hurt, and the robber left without getting a thing. A very brave man, that Antonio, and for his bravery and courage what was his reward? You guessed it, he was fired. 7-Eleven company policy says to let robbers take whatever they want – it’s not worth the risk to your life To make an example of Antonio and to show that 7-Eleven means what it says regarding the robbery policy, they fired him.
DON’T LET THE DEVIL STEAL YOUR SONG
Long ago, our family had a canary named Goldie who, one night, had a visitor named Mouse. This rascal, when all was dark and quiet, would run up the canary stand, get into the cage, steal the food, scamp over to the water and steal a drink, and run back down the stand. The canary stayed fast asleep. It was funny as all get-out….
Heard about another alleged robbery…Musicians are up in arms that their copyrighted music is being downloaded free from an Internet Web site. People are ‘stealing’ our music,” they say, and Napster.com found itself in big trouble in the Courts…the case is ongoing, so stay tuned…
Now you may not be a canary or a songbird of any kind, but sure as anything, God’s put a song in your heart–and I know “someone” who is out to steal it. When you hear, in your spirit, the sound of trampling feet trying to get into YOUR cage or YOUR music box, wake up–and know that the enemy of your soul would love to stop the singing in your soul. He CAN’T stop it–unless you let him!
Tell the song-stealer to get lost–God’s given you a song, and no devil in hell can stop the music while you’re serving the Lord! Believe it–sing a NEW triumphant song to the Lord, loud and clear, so that old slewfoot hears it–and have a great day!
PS…Uh…if you’re at work reading this, perhaps you’d better sing SILENTLY….grin!!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: 1 Timothy 5:8-16
There are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. —2 Thessalonians 3:11
As I sat looking at my beehives, I was especially interested in the activities of a considerable number of bees that seemed to be busybodies. They were always buzzing, going in and out of the hive, but doing no apparent work. These nonproductive ones are called drones. They are male bees—much larger than a worker or even the queen. Their only function is to fertilize a queen and then die.
While waiting for a new queen to emerge, the drones spend their time visiting one hive after another. But they do no work; they make no honey; they build no comb; they can’t even sting. And they’re noisy! You should hear them buzz, but it’s all bluff.
For a while drones are privileged characters, but when fall comes and the honey flow slackens, the worker bees will kill every drone! Not a one lives through the winter. The time of reckoning comes, and they are denied the reward of the workers.
In the apostle Paul’s letter to Timothy, he warned about people who are active in the wrong kinds of activities—going from house to house as busybodies, stirring up trouble instead of serving others (1 Timothy 5:13).
Don’t be a drone if you want to share in the heavenly treasures reserved for the faithful. —M. R. De Haan, M.D.
In service true of any kind,
Lord, happy I shall be,
If by my help some soul may find
The path that leads to Thee. —Anon.
God’s house should be a hive for workers—not a nest for drones.
McDonald’s is having some trouble keeping customers recently… I’ll tell you why.
McDonald’s just can’t seem to keep people happy right now. Is it because people are watching their weight and cholesterol levels? Perhaps. But according to their own research, McDonald’s says that people are upset with their McService at McDonalds. Seems people aren’t getting treated the way they want to be. And when someone complains to McManagement, 70% of those people are still unsatisfied with the way their complaint is handled. So it’s not surprising why some people may not go back… and even complain about McDonald’s to their friends. Others are upset that they run out of Happy Meals too quickly. This is likely even worse than it appears, because most people that have a problem just don’t come back without saying anything at all. McDonald’s is certain that the problem lies in their hiring young and inexperienced workers at low wages… and say that this lack of customers service is costing them about $750-McMillion a year in lost sales. The figures indicated that 1% of all complaints were from “scammers” looking for a free lunch.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Could chocolate be good for your cholesterol?
Chocolate lovers will love this. While most of us are told candy is bad for us, the Mars candy company says its latest confectionary creation may actually help lower cholesterol levels! The candy giant said it did a study with researchers at the University of Illinois that showed that daily consumption of its CocoaVia dark chocolate bars “significantly lowered total cholesterol by 2 percent and LDL or ‘bad’ cholesterol levels by 5.3 percent.” The candy bars have plant sterols and guaranteed levels of cocoa flavanols– natural compounds found in certain vegetable oils, cereals and fruits, which have previously been shown to be effective in lowering cholesterol levels, according to some nutritionists. ***MARLAR: Now if someone could finally get around to inventing the Double-Chocolate Chunk Fudge Diet, we’d be good to go!
JUST FOR FUN
GOD VS SATAN IN THE BOXING RING OF HEALTH AND NUTRITION
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Man gained weight.
And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained weight.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.” And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and EPSN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery…
And Satan created HMOs…
ACTUAL QUESTIONS ASKED BY PASSENGERS ON A CRUISE SHIP
- Do these stairs go up or down?
- What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
- Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
- Does the crew sleep on the ship?
- Is this island completely surrounded by water?
- Does the ship make its own electricity?
- Is it salt water in the toilets?
- What elevation are we at?
- There’s a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day, this question is asked: If the pictures aren’t marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
- What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
THE WAY WE WORK
UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.
If you’re on top of the music scene and aware of the hit makers being generated through social media, then you know of Shawn Mendez. For the rest of us, he’s quickly reaching stardom status. He’s a six-second wonder.
Shawn is 16 and in the 11th grade, and lives in Ontario, Canada. Uh-oh. Another Justin Bieber. His debut album just shouted down the soundtrack to Furious 7. In fact, his “Handwritten” tracks were numero uno on Billboard. I can’t stand these success prodigies. Okay…I admit to being a bit envious—and troubled.
You see, Shawn Mendez is a hot selling artist and his music is not even played on the radio. Yet.
His rise to fame came through Vine, a mobile app where posts are all of six seconds! Check out the Mendez Vine page and you discover his videos have 367 million “loops”—or views. I learned this from reading his story over the weekend. (See the New York Times link, http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/25/arts/music/a-rapid-rise-for-shawn-mendes-in-tune-with-social-media.html?emc=edit_th_20150425&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=68618012&_r=0)
So who owns Vine? Twitter. The masters of short form messaging. But who can deliver a compelling act in six seconds? Apparently, a lot of people—the majority of whom come nowhere close to the success of Shawn Mendez.
However, I liken this short attention grabbing method to some old school work of professionals. Specifically, those who write headlines and those in advertising. These folks know you must grab the attention very quickly or your customer is gone. Good telemarketers and cold callers know this, too. In store salespeople often try and stop you with a personal question such as, “Is that an iPhone 6 you have?” Me: “Why, yes it is!” Too late. Now I’m conversing about satellite systems I don’t want or need!
Some of the headlines in newspapers and magazines that have turned the trick for response include:
- How a Strange Accident Saved Me from Baldness
- Are You Ashamed of the Smells in Your Home?
- Play Guitar in Seven Days or Your Money Back
- How I Started a New Life with $7
Television and radio people use short teases for upcoming segments. Direct mail uses gimmicks (close to trickery) to get you to open “official” looking mail. So why not a simple premise like, “You’ve got six seconds to impress me, Kid!” Works for me.
There is a big challenge waiting. Do the goods match the pitch being made? If not, credibility fades. At that point, even new and more clever approaches fall flat.
A few takeaways on this subject include:
- To get attention you must arouse and intensify interest.
- Quick hitting, creative messages can get you in the door.
- Sustained interest requires consistent delivery of what your customer comes to expect from you.
- Shortcuts often lead to short lived relationships.
- Repetition of a short, but effective, message—when delivered in a tight window of space or time—can be very powerful in delivering recall.
One of the most effective, power-packed messages delivered by rescue missions and other ministries of Christ followers has just two words: Jesus Saves. Most people are familiar with John 3:16. You see signs for it everywhere. I personally think John 3:17 has a lot of spiritual punch: “For God did not send His Son to the world that he may judge the world, but that the world may be saved through him.” (Young’s Literal Translation)
Jesus saves. Two simple words. When the message is received and allowed to play out, hearts find peace. Consciences are cleared. Hope is renewed. Relationships are restored. Eternities are changed.
And get this. Jesus calls himself The True Vine. Look it up. (John 15)
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
IF YOUR KID SAYS SNAPCHAT IS PRIVATE, THEY’RE WRONG
Smartphone users — especially kids, teens, and twenty-somethings — have taken a liking to SnapChat. The app provides “real time picture chatting” that’s supposedly super-private, since the sender of the photos and messages chooses and expiration time, say 10 minutes. Once the time elapses the chat session and photo vanish forever. Sounds private, right? Not so. The guys at the tech website Mashable remind us the recipient can take a screenshot or can simply use another smartphone or camera to capture a screenshot of the image. Remember folks, if you send it out over the internet, it’s out there forever – no matter what they say.
GOOD MORNING, GRUMPY!
Who’s more of a grumpy pants in the morning, men or women? If you answered men, you’d be wrong. Women, according to science, wake up much grumpier than men. Reason — she’s not getting enough sleep. Researchers at Duke found that women suffer more on less sleep. More depression, more anger, and more hostility. Women need 20 more minutes of sleep than men. ***MARLAR: After several years of marriage, I gotta say this is completely accurate.
Coming May 4th, 2015!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.
A California nursing home that shuttered last fall lost most of its staff, leaving its residents behind. News reports say about 16 residents were left at the facility after the nursing home closed, prompting two people — cook Maurice Rowland, and janitor Miguel Alvarez, to stay behind as well. Rowland and Alvarez spent several days without pay providing round-the-clock care for elderly patients, doling out medication, bathing, feeding, and looking after them. They stayed until the local fire department and sheriff took over Valley Springs Manor nursing home. But that wasn’t the end of their story. Their actions eventually led to legislation in California known as the Residential Care for the Elderly Reform Act of 2014, which protects nursing home residents from being abandoned in the case of a shutdown.
How wrong will the Earth Day doomsayers be years from now? Maybe we can take a hint from 1970 and what they were predicting.
A ministry originating in northern Michigan is encouraging the body of Christ to pray for persecuted Christians around the world. More Jesus, based in Traverse City, Michigan, is a ministry that went viral a few years ago. Their goal was to use those two words “More Jesus” to encourage Christians to seek after Jesus more, while encouraging non-Christians to find Him. Eight weeks ago, God gave the group a conviction to gather the community to pray for Christians who are suffering simply for claiming Christ as their Savior. That started an 8-week prayer campaign. Now the organization is reaching out further, encouraging more churches to join them in meeting each Sunday to prayer for suffering Christians around the world.
Next time you lose your phone, a simple Google search may be able to find it. According to Time Magazine, Google recently announced a new phone-finding feature for Android users tied to its search engine. Simply type “find my phone” into the Google search bar, and the results will show a map with the last known location of your phone. You can also choose to ring the phone from this page to make it easier to find.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
The president of the (THE JOCK SHOW) Fan Club just called and said this month’s meeting has been moved to the 31st.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 24, 2015…
Little Boy—This is an unusual story about a small boy, age seven, who decides he wants to end WWII. He and his father are great friends, but when the father is called to go to war, the boy begins to worry about his safety. It is a story of faith…lots of faith. Hmm, see what happens here. Stars include Jakob Salvanti, Kevin James, Emily Watson, Ted Levine and Tom Wilkinson. “Little Boy” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Water Diviner— This film is the directing debut of actor Russell Crowe and is adapted from the novel by Andrew Anastasasios and Dr. Meghan Anastasasios. The premise has a farmer in the Balkans, after WWI, trying to locate his sons who are soldiers. He finds graves, but are the sons really dead? Also in the cast are Olga Kuylicho, James O’Toole and Jai Courtney. “The Water Diviner” is rated R. No rating.
Infinitely Polar Bear (opening in select cities)—Mark Ruffalo and Zoe Saldana star in this romance comedy about a man, who is bi-polar, decides to pay more attention to his two young, energetic daughters and give his wife a break. Keir Dullea is in the cast, too. “Infinitely Polar Bear” is rated PG 13.
Age of Adaline—-This is a story of a woman (Blake Lively) who doesn’t age. Fifty-plus years go by and she looks the same. One person knows her secret, her aging daughter. Enter romance, and what to do? Also in the cast are Kathy Baker, Amanda Crew, Ellen Burstyn and Harrison Ford. “Age of Adaline” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for this interesting story.
MAY 01, 2015…
Avengers: Age of Ultron has just about every Marvel comic book hero who can hold a script in it. Enjoy.
She’s Funny That Way is brave to go against “Avengers: Ultron” this week. “She’s Funny…” is a comedy about a stage star and the people in her life. Stars Imogen Poots and Owen Wilson.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.