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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – an outstanding example of how radio hasn’t progressed as far as we thought.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“When the king smiles, there is life; his favor refreshes like a gentle rain.” –Proverbs 16:15
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross! — Philippians 2:5-8
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. — James 1:27
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. — 1 Thessalonians 4:14
Thought: As horrible as the Cross was, it wasn’t the final chapter of the Jesus story. Jesus died and then rose again. We can believe two things because of Jesus’ resurrection: 1) that Jesus will return in glorious victory for those who have believed in him, and 2) that we will be with those we love who have fallen asleep in Christ when Jesus comes again.
Prayer: Holy and Almighty Father, thank you for raising Jesus from the dead and giving me the assurance of eternal life with you, and with those I love who have already passed from this life into death. I look forward to the day Jesus returns in glory, with the angels of heaven, and brings complete victory over death. Thank you in Jesus’ name. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Deuteronomy 4:29 NIV = But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.
TODAY IS SUNDAY – APRIL 29, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 239 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
This is GOODWILL WEEK. ***To celebrate I’m donating all of my unused jokes today to charity.
Today is NATIONAL ADULT PUBLIC SKIPPING DAY, a day for adults to skip in public to feel like a child again. ***For additional fun, try skipping to the restroom –that way you can literally “skip to my loo.”
Today is NATIONAL DANCE DAY. ***Be sure to remember to stop skipping first though, otherwise you might throw something out of alignment.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare
International Dance Day
Mother, Father Deaf Day
National Pet Parent’s Day
“Peace” Rose Day
Pinhole Photography Day
World Wish Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
MONDAY, APRIL 30
Adopt A Shelter Pet Day
Animal Advocacy Day
Bugs Bunny Day
Day of Vesak
Kiss of Hope Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Bubble Tea Day
National Honesty Day
National Military Brats Day
National Prepareathon Day
Spank Out Day – USA
TUESDAY, MAY 01
Batman Day (Also in September)
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
Executive Coaching Day
Foster Care Day
Global Love Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Workers Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
May One Day
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
World Asthma Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 02
Great American Grump Out
Life Insurance Day
National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy
National (Deaf) Interpreter Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
World Tuna Day
THURSDAY, MAY 03
Garden Meditation Day
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Textiles Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Public Radio Day
SAN Architect Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Day of Prayer
National Day of Reason
World Password Day
FRIDAY, MAY 04
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May the Fourth Be With You!)
International Firefighters Day
International Respect for Chickens Day
International Space Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
National Life Insurance Day
Petite and Proud Day
School Lunch Hero Day
World Give Day
SATURDAY, MAY 05
Bladder Cancer Awareness Day
Childhood Stroke Awareness Day
Cinco de Mayo
Free Comic Book Day
International Day of The Midwife
International Roller Derby Day
Join Hands Day
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
National Auctioneers Day
National Astronaut Day
National Homebrew Day
National Scrapbooking Day
National Wildfire Community Preparedness Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
Silence The Shame Day
Start Seeing Monarchs Day
Totally Chipotle Day
World Naked Gardening Day
SUNDAY, MAY 06
International Bereaved Mothers’ Day
Joseph Brackett Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of The Bikes Day
National Infertility Survival Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day
Rural Life Sunday
Russel Stover Candies Day
World Laughter Day
MONDAY, MAY 07
Design Packaging Day
National Barrier Awareness Day
National Library Legislative Day
Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy
ON THIS DAY
1950: “The Third Man Theme” by Anton Karas hit #1 in the U.S. and stayed there for 11 weeks, history’s only #1 instrumental featuring a zither.
1974: Phil Donahue’s TV talk show moved from Dayton, Ohio, to Chicago, where it would win nine Emmy Awards in 11 years before moving to New York City in 1985.
1976: Singer Bruce Springsteen climbed the fence at Graceland in Memphis, but security guards grabbed him and tossed him out. ***You may be the boss, but that still gets trumped by a King.
1981: Steve Carlton of the Philadelphia Phillies became the first left-handed pitcher in the major leagues to strike out 3,000 batters.
1986: Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens set a major league record by striking out 20 batters in a nine-inning game against Seattle. That broke Nolan Ryan’s record of 19.
1988: Forrest City, Arkansas, held its first racially integrated high school prom.
1988: Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson were married in Florida. They divorced in 1993.
1990: Surgeons in Jacksonville, Florida, removed a benign tumor from the abdomen of a 47-year-old woman, who went to the emergency room fearing she was having a heart attack. The tumor weighed 65 pounds. ***That’d sure make losing weight go a lot faster.
1990: A wrecking crane began tearing down the Berlin Wall at the historic Brandenberg Gate. The Wall had divided East and West Berlin since August 1961.
1992: Actor Emilio Estevez married singer Paula Abdul in Santa Monica.
1992: Rioting erupted in Los Angeles after a jury acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King.
1995: The longest sausage ever was created in Kitchener, Ontario — 28.77 miles.
1998: A bra once worn by Madonna sold at auction in London for $4,250. At the same auction, an outfit worn by Elvis brought $15,450.
2002: A new Thai company called “Anything You Can Think Of” was formed to provide people to cry at funerals, scream at rock concerts, slap faces, wean children from the Internet, or anything legal. Having someone’s face slapped cost $23.39.
2004: A ruptured pipeline spilled an estimated 85,000 gallons of diesel fuel into Suisun Bay, east of San Francisco.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1380: Italian mystic Catherine of Siena dies from exhaustion brought on by her efforts to bring unity to the church. Her visions, experienced since childhood, and her persistent pleading led Pope Gregory XI to return the papal seat to Rome from Avignon, France.
1429: Joan of Arc, who had experienced mystical visions and voices since childhood, enters the besieged French city of Orleans to lead a victory over the English. The next day, the English retreated, but, because it was a Sunday, Joan refused to allow any pursuit. On a sortie the next year, The English captured Joan and put her on trial for heresy.
1525: Fray Pedro de Cordoba dies. He was a mentor to Las Casas, the “Father of the Indians.”
1535: Monks in England are executed for refusing to acknowledge Henry VIII as the head of the church.
1607: The first Anglican church is established in the American colonies, at Cape Henry, Virginia.
1848: Thomas Jackson, who became one of the great generals of the Civil War, confesses Christ by public baptism at St. John’s Episcopal church in New York City. He exhibited deep concern for the spiritual condition of each man under his command.
1933: Dawson Trotman begins a work with Navy men that leads to the formation of the Navigators, a discipleship organization.
1945: 500 Greek Catholic clergymen in the cathedral at Lwow, Poland are surrounded by police, arrested, and many shot.
1952: Death of Samuel Zwemer, “Apostle to Islam.” He co-founded The Arabian Mission and served as missionary, field evaluator and author for many years.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
Actress (Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Batman & Robin, Prime) Uma Thurman 48
Tennis pro Andre Agassi is 48
Actress (I Am Sam, What Lies Beneath, Stardust, Up Close & Personal) Michelle Pfeiffer 60
Actress (Jan on “The Brady Bunch”) Eve Plumb is 60 (audio clip)
Actor (The Last of the Mohicans, Gangs of New York, There Will Be Blood) Daniel Day-Lewis is 61
- Actress (“The Black Donnellys” , “Star Trek: Voyager”) Kate Mulgrew is 63 (audio clip)
Comedian (“Seinfeld”) Jerry Seinfeld is 64 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1899 : Duke Ellington
1928 : Carl Gardner (The Coasters)
1929 : Ray Barretto
1931 : Lonnie Donegan
1933 : Willie Nelson
1934 : Otis Rush
1936 : April Stevens
1942 : Klaus Voorman (Manfred Mann)
1943 : Duane Allen (The Oak Ridge Boys)
1947 : Tommy James
1947 : Joel Larson (The Grass Roots)
1949 : Francis Rossi (Status Quo)
1968 : Carnie Wilson (Wilson Phillips)
1970 : Master P
1973 : Mike Hogan (The Cranberries)
1979 : Matt Tong (Bloc Party)
1979 : Jo O’Meara (S Club 7)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
When I watch the Discovery Channel, and they’re talking about testing medicines with blind tests and double blind tests, I begin to wonder what the difference between those two tests really is.
Blind tests. Double blind tests. What’s the difference between those two? Needless to say, what both DO have in common is a group of patients. Some get the new medication while others receive a placebo (a fake drug that doesn’t really do anything). The question is, who knows what was given to whom? In a blind test, the patients do not know if they got the placebo or the real thing. But the doctor administering the medication does know which drug went to which patient. This keeps the patients from having a subjective reaction and skewing the results. But it’s always possible the doctor could unconsciously signal to patients what they were getting. In a double-blind test, patient and doctor are each in the dark about who gets what drug. The doctor doesn’t know to whom she gave the experimental whosamajiggie, and who swallowed peppermint candy. ***MARLAR: Next I guess we’ll see a triple blind study… where the doctors nor the patients know what the drug even is, or whether it’s the patients or the doctors that are getting the drugs. Now that sounds like quality entertainment right there!
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NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear and Sully the Aardvark were about to go head to head in their regular checkers match… and it sounds as if they don’t pull any punches when it comes to playing the game or even trying to intimidate each other before the game begins!
CLOSE: Can’t miss them? I don’t even know what Gruffy is TALKING about! I don’t think I could follow those directions if they were printed out through MapQuest and fed into a GPS system! And who is this new guy… Grizz? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Garrett A. Dalton of Naugatuck, Connecticut is in a bit of hot water after running a 40-yard-dash dressed in women’s clothes and high heels. Oh, there’s nothing illegal with running around in drag — unless you’ve filed for workman’s comp because you supposedly are too injured to work. Garrett made the idiot mistake of participating in the local contest for concert tickets. He was arrested for workman’s comp fraud after being recognized on a TV news report covering the event. Prosecutors say Garret collected more than $5,000 after reporting a work-related injury. And no, he didn’t win the contest.
TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE
10. Wear a top hat.
9. Throw popcorn in the air, and yell, “It’s snowing!”
8. During the previews, yell, “Can you fast-forward it?”
7. Whenever the badguy is doing something devious, say, “Watch out!”
6. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
5. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girl’s bathroom is flooding.
4. Yell out what is going to happen.
3. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for your asthma.
2. Go, “Oooooh…” whenever anyone kisses.
1. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
There are some places that you just should not rob.
FILE #1: In Merelbeke, Belgium Charles Gerber broke into a church and grabbed the collection box. Unknown to Charlie, the priest at the church had been worried about theft and had rigged up his own burglar alarm. He connected the church’s bells to the collection box and when Chuck tried to carry it away the church bells started ringing. The priest heard the bells and called the cops who caught Chuck red handed.
FILE #2: Some scams are doomed to failure right from the start. Ronnie J. Allard, a delivery man, had his girlfriend steal Notre Dame season football tickets — valued at $10,000 — from the porch of the house where he had just delivered them. Allard apparently did not think far enough in the future to realize that he would’ve been caught at the very first home game in South Bend… seeing as the ticket owners would most certainly be wondering who would end up in those seats once they discovered their tickets were stolen. But, alas, the scam never got that far, because Allard got into a fight with his girlfriend, and, when police came to the house on a domestic disturbance call, she told them about the tickets.
FILE #3: Fingerprints catch a criminal… at the police academy! A police recruit, after taking part in a standard fingerprinting exercise at the Royal New Zealand Police College, has been arrested when his own prints matched him to an outstanding warrant for a serious assault – and assault that took place just last week! “By and large, the people we get are top of the line, top drawer,” Superintendent Alistair Beckett said. “They normally don’t have things from the past they want to hide.” Starting in October all recruits will be fingerprinted before training begins.
STRANGE LAW: You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time when in the state of Alabama.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
Two crooks steal the worst getaway vehicle of all time…
Two men in Askvoll, Norway, broke into an ambulance boat, possibly looking for drugs, but they set off an alarm. The crew came running, and the men tried to escape in a small rowboat, but they had one minor problem: they didn’t know how to row. The ambulance boat quickly chased them down because they were paddling in opposite directions and slowly turning in tiny circles.
If you could change one thing about television, what would it be?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: For what occasion did the disciples prepare in a friend’s guest room?
ANSWER: The Passover (Mark 14:14)
QUESTION: According to Matthew, how many generations were in each of the eras from Abraham to David, from David to the captivity, and from the captivity to Christ?
ANSWER: Fourteen (Matthew 1:17)
QUESTION: Name the city that was destroyed at the same time as Ai.
ANSWER: Bethel (Joshua 8:17)
QUESTION: What is the only state that allows voting from space?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Val Kilmer once considered a run for Governor of New Mexico. (True)
2. Roy Roger’s horse Trigger was ridden by Rogers in every one of his motion pictures. (True, and after the horse’s death at the age of 33, his hide was mounted over a plaster likeness and put on display at The Roy Rogers/Dale Evans Museum in Branson, Missouri.)
3. In Morse Code, a sequence of five consecutive dots represents the number five. (True)
4. There are five “fingers” in a bat’s wing. (True)
5. The name of the dog in RCA Victor’s trademark is Rex. (False, Nipper)
6. Henry Fonda has a son named Peter. (True, and he also is an accomplished actor)
7. The Equator intersects with an imaginary line at zero degrees latitude, zero degrees longitude. That line is called, “The Solarplex.” (False, it’s caled The Prime Meridian)
8. The American Civil War began in April of 1822. (False, 1861)
9. Yuri Gagarin of the USSR was the first man in space. (True)
10. The state of Kansas, originally belonged to France. (False, but Louisiana did)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
PENTAGON TO BUILD ________ (TERMINATORS)
WASHINGTON – The Department of Defense is building “Terminators” to defend the government against enemies – foreign AND domestic.
The U.S. Department of Defense announced the launch of ”living” computer systems with artificial intelligence that are capable of following orders from military officers.
The U.S. military is no longer satisfied with the speed of analysis and data quality of modern computers and they do not like that soldiers and computers are separated. They want them to be in one “military unit.”
Thus, they are going to producer “terminators.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
On a recent trip into town I observed a very peculiar thing happening via two city workers. One would dig a hole, walk a few yards, dig another hole, and then walk a few more yards… you get the point. The second man would come behind the first man and fill the hole that had just been dug, walk a few yards, fill the next hole, and so on. These actions quite puzzled me. Furthermore, these two men were working very hard! One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
Finally I couldn’t hold my confusion in any longer-I had to find out what they were doing. “I appreciate how hard you’re working,” I said to the first man, “But why are you digging a hole when your partner comes behind you and just fills it up again?”
“Oh yeah, I guess it must look pretty funny,” the hole digger replied, taking a break to wipe the sweat off his forehead. “But the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”
Miss Smith and Little Johnny’s father were having a parent teacher conference. Miss Smith said to Little Johnny’s father, “Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.”
Little Johnny’s father asked, “What’s that?”
“With grades like these, he couldn’t possibly be cheating.”
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items… with a “thank you” note from the manufacturer.
“Well, What do you think?” asked his smiling wife, Olga.
“I think that next time,” Dewey replied. “I’m writing to Mercedes-Benz”.
Australian researchers have found that eating foods high in fat and sugar reduces anxiety. In lab tests, scientists took two groups of young rats away from their mothers and gave one group junk food and the other healthy food. They found that the rats on junk food were much calmer than the rats that ate healthy foods. The bad news is, junk food still makes you fat and it isn’t good for you. The researchers say they’ll next see if exercise can be as good as junk food at relieving stress. ***I’ll answer that. Uh… no.
People in their 50s are more likely to sleep naked in bed than people in their 20s. ***Wouldn’t you like to know.
A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”
Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I got to see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”
When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.
Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from the cup.
The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that?” There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”
As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”
The trainer responded, “Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Planning on working in the convenience store industry? If so, just make sure you don’t have a super-hero complex, it might get you fired!
Antonio Feliciano was working at a 7-Eleven store in Martinsburg, West Virginia, when a man walked in with a sawed-off shotgun and attempted to rob the place. But Antonio, instead of handing over the cash like most rational people would do, decided to wrestle the gun away from the criminal. He succeeded, no one was hurt, and the robber left without getting a thing. A very brave man, that Antonio, and for his bravery and courage what was his reward? You guessed it, he was fired. 7-Eleven company policy says to let robbers take whatever they want – it’s not worth the risk to your life To make an example of Antonio and to show that 7-Eleven means what it says regarding the robbery policy, they fired him.
DON’T LET THE DEVIL STEAL YOUR SONG
Long ago, our family had a canary named Goldie who, one night, had a visitor named Mouse. This rascal, when all was dark and quiet, would run up the canary stand, get into the cage, steal the food, scamp over to the water and steal a drink, and run back down the stand. The canary stayed fast asleep. It was funny as all get-out….
Heard about another alleged robbery…Musicians are up in arms that their copyrighted music is being downloaded free from an Internet Web site. People are ‘stealing’ our music,” they say, and Napster.com found itself in big trouble in the Courts…the case is ongoing, so stay tuned…
Now you may not be a canary or a songbird of any kind, but sure as anything, God’s put a song in your heart–and I know “someone” who is out to steal it. When you hear, in your spirit, the sound of trampling feet trying to get into YOUR cage or YOUR music box, wake up–and know that the enemy of your soul would love to stop the singing in your soul. He CAN’T stop it–unless you let him!
Tell the song-stealer to get lost–God’s given you a song, and no devil in hell can stop the music while you’re serving the Lord! Believe it–sing a NEW triumphant song to the Lord, loud and clear, so that old slewfoot hears it–and have a great day!
PS…Uh…if you’re at work reading this, perhaps you’d better sing SILENTLY….grin!!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: 1 Timothy 5:8-16
There are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. —2 Thessalonians 3:11
As I sat looking at my beehives, I was especially interested in the activities of a considerable number of bees that seemed to be busybodies. They were always buzzing, going in and out of the hive, but doing no apparent work. These nonproductive ones are called drones. They are male bees—much larger than a worker or even the queen. Their only function is to fertilize a queen and then die.
While waiting for a new queen to emerge, the drones spend their time visiting one hive after another. But they do no work; they make no honey; they build no comb; they can’t even sting. And they’re noisy! You should hear them buzz, but it’s all bluff.
For a while drones are privileged characters, but when fall comes and the honey flow slackens, the worker bees will kill every drone! Not a one lives through the winter. The time of reckoning comes, and they are denied the reward of the workers.
In the apostle Paul’s letter to Timothy, he warned about people who are active in the wrong kinds of activities—going from house to house as busybodies, stirring up trouble instead of serving others (1 Timothy 5:13).
Don’t be a drone if you want to share in the heavenly treasures reserved for the faithful. —M. R. De Haan, M.D.
In service true of any kind,
Lord, happy I shall be,
If by my help some soul may find
The path that leads to Thee. —Anon.
God’s house should be a hive for workers—not a nest for drones.
McDonald’s is having some trouble keeping customers recently… I’ll tell you why.
McDonald’s just can’t seem to keep people happy right now. Is it because people are watching their weight and cholesterol levels? Perhaps. But according to their own research, McDonald’s says that people are upset with their McService at McDonalds. Seems people aren’t getting treated the way they want to be. And when someone complains to McManagement, 70% of those people are still unsatisfied with the way their complaint is handled. So it’s not surprising why some people may not go back… and even complain about McDonald’s to their friends. Others are upset that they run out of Happy Meals too quickly. This is likely even worse than it appears, because most people that have a problem just don’t come back without saying anything at all. McDonald’s is certain that the problem lies in their hiring young and inexperienced workers at low wages… and say that this lack of customers service is costing them about $750-McMillion a year in lost sales. The figures indicated that 1% of all complaints were from “scammers” looking for a free lunch.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Could chocolate be good for your cholesterol?
Chocolate lovers will love this. While most of us are told candy is bad for us, the Mars candy company says its latest confectionary creation may actually help lower cholesterol levels! The candy giant said it did a study with researchers at the University of Illinois that showed that daily consumption of its CocoaVia dark chocolate bars “significantly lowered total cholesterol by 2 percent and LDL or ‘bad’ cholesterol levels by 5.3 percent.” The candy bars have plant sterols and guaranteed levels of cocoa flavanols– natural compounds found in certain vegetable oils, cereals and fruits, which have previously been shown to be effective in lowering cholesterol levels, according to some nutritionists. ***MARLAR: Now if someone could finally get around to inventing the Double-Chocolate Chunk Fudge Diet, we’d be good to go!
JUST FOR FUN
GOD VS SATAN IN THE BOXING RING OF HEALTH AND NUTRITION
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Man gained weight.
And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained weight.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.” And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and EPSN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery…
And Satan created HMOs…
ACTUAL QUESTIONS ASKED BY PASSENGERS ON A CRUISE SHIP
- Do these stairs go up or down?
- What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
- Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
- Does the crew sleep on the ship?
- Is this island completely surrounded by water?
- Does the ship make its own electricity?
- Is it salt water in the toilets?
- What elevation are we at?
- There’s a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day, this question is asked: If the pictures aren’t marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
- What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
GOOD MORNING, GRUMPY!
Who’s more of a grumpy pants in the morning, men or women? If you answered men, you’d be wrong. Women, according to science, wake up much grumpier than men. Reason — she’s not getting enough sleep. Researchers at Duke found that women suffer more on less sleep. More depression, more anger, and more hostility. Women need 20 more minutes of sleep than men. ***After several years of marriage, I gotta say this is completely accurate.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
The president of the (THE JOCK SHOW) Fan Club just called and said this month’s meeting has been moved to the 31st.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 27, 2018…
Avengers: Infinity War—The blockbuster spring/summer season is starting early with this comic book character-driven film. Just about everyone who can hold a script and wear a costume is in the film, such as Karen Gillan, Elizabeth Olson, Josh Brolin (as Thanos the villain), Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) and Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. Plus, as they used to say in the old movie epics, “a cast of thousands.” Actually, now, computerization takes care of that. The basic plot is that things have been going smoothly for the dynamic ones, until Thanos decides he wants all the Infinity Stones to rule the world, and away he goes. Then, the fate of Earth is in the hands of…you guessed it. “Avengers: Infinity War” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Animal Crackers—An animated film about what happens when you are suddenly gifted (inheritance) a circus, but it turns out it is a broken-down circus. What to do? The usual ads are working, but suddenly, the new owner finds a box of “magic crackers” and finds he can become any animal he wants. Hmm. Voices of John Krasinki, Emily Blunt, Danny De Vito and Ian McKellan as the villain (and there always is one.) “Animal Crackers” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for circus fans.
I Feel Pretty—Amy Schumer stars in this film about an insecure woman who thinks no one sees her at all. After a fall, Amy wakes up thinking she is a beautiful woman and that now people will REALLY see her. Kind of like the “Emperor’s New Clothes.” Also in the cast are Michelle Will, Busy Phillips, Lauren Hutton and Tom Hopper. “I Feel Pretty” is rated PG 13. No rating.
MAY 04, 2018…
Overboard is a remake of the Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn film of clashing personalities. This one stars Anna Faris.
The Bad Samaritan has a thief discovering a drastic secret in one of the houses he chooses to rob. Stars David Tennant.
Son Of Bigfoot is an animated film of a teenager trying to find his father. Voice of Pappy Faulkner.
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