April 30, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

NOTE: You may have noticed the slight changes to the welcome page for ONAIRprep – primarily, the green “Member Entrance” button and the red “Member Login” button. You will need to begin using these buttons on Monday, May 4TH as we revert back to using unique usernames and passwords to gain admittance to the prep pages. Be on the lookout for an email with more information about this important and overdue change.

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The following program is not available in stores, but only through this exclusive (JOCK SHOW) offer. So act now before you realize what’s happening.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.” –Proverbs 20:19
Jesus is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. — Hebrews 7:25

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” — John 14:6

 

Thought: I don’t want to be any more exclusive than Jesus. But I do want to hear his voice. He calls me to find the way to the Father through him. I must also know that others must know him to find their way to the Father, too. How can we not be more passionate about those around us who do not really know Jesus as their Savior, Redeemer, Brother, and Lord? How can the first four books of our New Testament lie unread?

 

Prayer: Holy God and Righteous Father, give me a passion for Jesus and a heart that knows him in word, deed, and concern. In the name of Jesus, your mighty Word, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

Ephesians 4:30 NIV = And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – APRIL 30, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 240 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is SPANK-OUT DAY. A day encouraging parents NOT to spank their children. ***MARLAR: Also known as “You’re Grounded For Life” Day.

 

Today is MR. POTATO HEAD DAY. On this date in 1952 the first toy was advertised on television—Mr. Potato Head.

 

THE SECRET LIFE OF MR. POTATO HEAD (From CNN.com)

Here are a few things you probably did not know (or have since forgotten) about Mr. Potato head.

  • The original toy came as a collection of eyes, ears, noses, a body and accessories that you’d “force” into a real potato. To be fair to Hasbro (Mr. Potato Head’s creator) the kit did include a Styrofoam “potato” but it wasn’t much fun.
  • In 1964 a molded plastic potato body became part of the toy. But back then, Mr. Potato Head also had friends including Carrots, Cucumbers, Oranges, Peppers and a love interest, Mrs. Potato Head. With Brother Spud and Sister Yam there was an entire Potato Head family, and all of the packaging carried the slogan “Lifelike Fruits Or Vegetables To Change Into Funny, Lovable Friends.”
  • What’s most amazing, however, is that Mr. Potato Head’s appeal has garnered him many “spokespud” gigs. In the American Cancer Society’s annual “Great American Smokeout” campaign he handed his pipe to then Surgeon General C. Everett Koop and swore off the tobacco, he got up off the couch for the President’s Council on Physical Fitness, and he even pitched in with the League of Women Voters for their “Get Out the Vote” initiative.
  • Of course, he’s been involved in plenty of straight marketing campaigns, too: in 1997, he shilled for Burger King’s “Try the Fry” introduction of their new French fries. That said, our favorite thing about the spud is the sort of celebrity pull he has. After all, what other toy can claim they were voiced by Don Rickles?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Adopt a Shelter Pet Day

Beltane

Bugs Bunny Day

International Jazz Day

National Animal Advocacy Day

National Honesty Day

Poem In Your Pocket Day

Spank Out Day (USA)

Walpurgis Night

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, MAY 01

Amtrak Day

Batman Day

Beltane

Dandelion Day

Executive Coaching Day

Global Love Day

International Space Day

Keep Kids Alive, Drive 25 Day

Law Day

Lei Day

Loyalty Day

Mariachi Day

May Day

Mother Goose Day

National Bubba Day

National Purebred Dog Day

New Homeowner’s Day

School Principals’ Day

Silver Star Day

Stepmother’s Day

Tuba Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 02

Beer Pong Day

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day

Free Comic Book Day

Join Hands Day

Kentucky Derby

Martin Z. Mollusk Day

National Homebrew Day

National Scrapbooking Day

World Naked Gardening Day

Roberts Rule of Order Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 03

Garden Meditation Day

Hug Your Cat Day

International Baby Lost Mother’s Day (Bereaved Mothers Day)

Lemonade Day

Lumpy Rug Day

Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of the Bikes Day

National Special-abled Pets Day

National Infertility Survival Day

National Two Different Colored Shoes Day

Paranormal Day

Public Radio Day

World Laughter Day

World Press Freedom Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 04

Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May The Fourth Be With You)

International Firefighters Day

International Respect for Chickens Day

Melanoma Monday

National Library Legislative Day

Petite and Proud Day

World Give Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 05

Cartoonists Day

Childhood Depression Awareness Day

Childhood Stroke Awareness Day

Cinco de Mayo

International Midwives Day

National Teacher Day

Totally Chipotle Day

Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 06

Bike To School Day

Great American Grump Out

Joseph Brackett Day

No Diet Day

No Homework Day

Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day

World Asthma Day

Occupational Safety & Health Day

School Nurse Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 07

Cosmopolitan Day

Lag B’omer

National Barrier Awareness Day

National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day

National Day of Prayer

National Day of Reason (the atheists’ response to National Day of Prayer)

National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1789: George Washington was sworn in as the first president of the U.S. George was 57 years old when he was elected. ***MARLAR: And since he could not tell a lie, the inauguration speech was only twelve seconds.

 

1900: Legendary railroad engineer Casey Jones was killed in the wreck of the Cannonball Express near Vaughan, Mississippi. He stayed at the controls, trying to save the passengers. No one else died in the wreck.

 

1904: John T. Benson Jr. was born. He would become president of Heartwarming Music in Nashville and write the hymn “Love Lifted Me.”

 

1938: That wascally wabbit Bugs Bunny first appeared on screen in the cartoon “Porky’s Hare Hunt,” directed by “Bugs” Hardaway for Warner Brothers. Mel Blanc, who did Bugs’ voice, was allergic to carrots. ***MARLAR: Odd fact – Mel Blanc, who did Bugs’ voice, was allergic to carrots!

 

1945: Host Jack Bailey debuted on Mutual Radio with “Queen For A Day,” where each day the woman with the saddest hard-luck story was crowned queen. The first Queen for a Day was Mrs. Evelyn Lane.

 

1952: The first toy was advertised on television—Mr. Potato Head.

 

1958: To test bombing accuracy, the U.S. Navy dropped 12 basketballs from a blimp 1,470 feet over a 10-foot cross target in Lakehurst, New Jersey. None of the balls came even close, but one did bounce 22-feet 9-inches high. ***MARLAR: I guess that’s the kind of thing you like to see when bombing a village.

 

1967: Muhammad Ali refused induction into the U.S. Army and was stripped of his heavyweight boxing title. He sited religious grounds for his refusal.

 

1987: Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita” became her 11th consecutive top five single.

 

1988: Residents of Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania, completed a 4.55-mile-long banana split, recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest ever. ***MARLAR: They also broke the record for most people injured by slipping on banana peels.

 

1993: A man who claimed to be a fan of Steffi Graf, stabbed tennis star Monica Seles in the back during a match in Hamburg, Germany. The attacker was convicted and given a suspended sentence.

 

2000: A 24-year-old cab driver who liked to climb downtown buildings in the middle of the night broke his leg after falling about 20 feet. The climber fell from a three-story building in Glen Falls, New York, about 3 a.m. when a concrete ledge he was holding broke loose. He was released from a nearby hospital the following day.

 

2001: A 77-year-old man Chicago who admitted holding up three banks to pay for dates with his 80-year-old girlfriend was sentenced to three years in federal prison. The man said he afraid he would lose his girlfriend if he couldn’t afford to keep up with her lifestyle. In three robberies he netted $8,702.

 

2004: Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to a grand jury indictment that expanded the child molestation charge against him in Santa Maria, California. And at trial, he was acquitted.

 

2005: Jennifer Wilbanks, missing from Georgia, turned up in Albuquerque. She had claimed she was abducted, but then admitted she was a ”runaway bride.”

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

304: The last and most punishing anti-Christian edict during Roman Emperor Diocletian’s reign is published. The ensuing carnage was so horrific that it was said even the coliseum lions got tired. The man behind the edict, Augustus Galerius, finally issued an edict of toleration on April 30, 311—just days before dying of a disease known as “being eaten with worms”.

 

311: Galerius Valerius Maximianus issued an edict under which Christians were legally recognized in the Roman Empire.

 

418: Roman Emperor Honorius (395-423) issues a decree against Pelagianism, a heresy teaching that man can take the initial and fundamental steps towards salvation by his own efforts, apart from divine grace.

 

1562: Two ships carrying 150 Huguenot (French Protestant) immigrants arrive off the coast of northeast Florida. The settlers established a colony at Parris Island, South Carolina, but abandoned it two years later due to a lack of supplies.

 

1822: Hannibal Goodwin, rector of the Episcopal House of Prayer in Newark, New Jersey, is born in Taughannock, New York. Though his main passion was making the Bible “come to life” for the children in his church, he dreamed up 24 inventions during his life and received 15 patents. Today we remember him primarily as the father of celluloid film for photography.

 

1854: Death of James Montgomery, for many years Scotland’s sole Moravian pastor. He championed the cause of underdogs and twice went to prison for expressing his views too freely in his newspaper, the Sheffield Iris. His strong support helped win acceptance for hymn singing in the Anglican church. He wrote hymns himself, the best known being the Christmas carol “Angels from the Realms of Glory.”

 

1884: Their first independent conference is held by the Russian Baptists.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Spider-Man, Get Over It, Elizabethtown, Wimbledon) Kirsten Dunst 33
  • actor (“Roseanne”, Hancock, “The Big Bang Theory”) Johnny Galecki 40
  • actress (“Dirty Sexy Money”, numerous TV movies) Jill Clayburgh 71
  • TV host/actor (“The New Hollywood Squares”, “Circus of the Stars”, “Born Free”, TV’s “The Sixth Sense”) Gary Collins 77
  • actress (“Malcolm in the Middle”, “The Ellen Show”, “The Facts of Life”) Cloris Leachman 89 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1923 : Percy Heath

1927 : Johnny Horton

1931 : Peter La Farge

1941 : Johnny Farina (Santo & Johnny)

1943 : Bobby Vee

1944 : Richard Shoff (The Sandpipers)

1945 : Mimi Farina

1948 : Wayne Kramer (MC5)

1953 : Merrill Osmond (The Osmonds)

1967 : Turbo B (Snap)

1971 : Chris “Choc” Dalyrimple (Soul For Real)

1972 : J.R. Richards (Dishwalla)

1973 : Jeff Timmons (98 Degrees)

1981 : Justin Vernon (Bon Iver)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Do bananas grow on trees?

Sure, like money. Did you ever see a money tree? Well you have as much chance of seeing a banana tree, or a monkey reading the Wall Street Journal. (Imagine that… monkeys picking stocks!) Bananas grow out of a trunkless plant – an herb, to be exact. The fruit comes out of the stem of the plant, appearing first as flowers. They grow in bunches on the plant and are picked when green so that they will be ripe by the time they reach your cereal bowl. Banana plants are transplanted by taking a piece of the plant’s underground stem and replanting it. These pieces are called “suckers.” Which brings us back to those monkeys on Wall Street.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Sidewalk Prophets’ Ben McDonald says it’s time for everyone to hide. He tweeted: my mom has discovered emoticons.

 

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard says he’s found a new definition of manhood. John tweeted: used to be that killing something, dragging at home, and skinning and feeding your family with it made you a man. But now Jon said his definition is changing a brake light and he just did that.

 

Jeremy Camp is in Israel this week and he’s making the most of his visit. He’s been tweeting pictures from all the usual attractions, ranging from the Garden Tomb to Capernium. But Jeremy has also gotten access to a few areas that your standard tourist isn’t allowed to see. Jeremy and his wife Adie visited an Israeli Air force base and Jeremy says he got to sit in an F16. He shared a picture dressed in a flight suit and ready to go.

 

The Newsboys have added an extra track to their Restart CD. This week the members of the band shared that their latest project now also includes a live version of God’s Not Dead.

 

Jamie Grace had a special guest at her venue this week. A live duck waddled in while Jamie was in the middle of her sound check. She says he was even wearing a Jamie Grace Do Life Big t-shirt.

https://t.co/hCVR78kIfx

 

A lot of Natalie Grant’s female fans are warriors inside. Natalie reported an overwhelming response to her latest t-shirt. On the front is says Sometimes Warriors Wear Heels. Natalie says they have already sold out of their current stock but they are placing a reorder that will ship in about 2-3 weeks.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Brewers tasked with turning sewage into suds    photo
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — Some companies boast of making beer with spring water from majestic mountains. They won’t be competing in the upcoming Pure Water Brew Challenge, in which an Oregon wastewater treatment operator has asked home brewers to make great-tasting beer from hops, barley, yeast…

 

Police tranquilize, collar coyote in Queens
NEW YORK (AP) — A second coyote has been captured in New York — this time in Queens. Police say they tranquilized the animal and captured it just before 8 p.m. Tuesday. The NYPD says it’s likely the same one that got away after being spotted hiding near a house Monday. It’s being cared…
89-year-old former Kansas player scores in alumni scrimmage    photo
LAWRENCE, Kan. (AP) — An 89-year-old former University of Kansas football player has gained fresh fame after making a touchdown run during an alumni scrimmage. HASH(0x14153f0) “That was fun,” the Pittsburg resident said. “I didn’t know if I could run.” Sperry was 17 years old when he first…
Burnt macaroni and cheese forces evacuation at Iowa Capitol
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — A burnt bowl of macaroni and cheese forced a brief evacuation at the Iowa Capitol. Iowa Department of Administrative Services spokesman Caleb Hunter says somebody’s lunch burned in a microwave Monday behind the Senate Chambers on the second floor of the Capitol. He…
Quacking duck ringtone helps firefighter rescue ducklings
SLIDELL, La. (AP) — Quack! Quack! A duck call ringtone helped a Louisiana firefighter rescue six ducklings from a storm drain. Spokesman Chad Duffaut of St. Tammany Fire District #1 says even with realistic quacking sounds coming from his cellphone, it took Firefighter Cody Knecht about 90…
Miss Piggy is recipient of prestigious New York museum award
NEW YORK (AP) — A prestigious award from the Brooklyn Museum honors women who have made outstanding contributions in their fields. This year’s surprise honoree is … Miss Piggy. The Muppets character joins a distinguished list of recipients of the Sackler Center First Awards. They include…
Man driving motorhome leads Alaska State Troopers on a chase
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — An Alaska man used a motorhome in a failed attempt to elude arrest by state troopers. Eligah Christian of Wasilla was arrested Friday morning, but not before he mashed the bulky vehicle into several patrol cars. Christian, 49, was being sought on a $100,000 warrant on…
3 young women jailed in Russia for twerking next to monument
MOSCOW (AP) — A court in southern Russia has sentenced three young women to brief jail terms for making a video showing them twerking next to a World War II memorial. Russia celebrates the 70th anniversary of the Allies’ victory in the World War II next month, an emotionally charged holiday…
Coyote collared after lower Manhattan police chase    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — A wily coyote is no match for the NYPD. Police collared the creature near a sidewalk cafe in downtown Manhattan on Saturday morning. The coyote was spotted shortly after 7:30 a.m. in the Battery Park City neighborhood. Officers tailed her up and down a marina and a Hudson…
Teen, missing for 4 days, lived off school’s fruit trees
CUPERTINO, Calif. (AP) — Authorities say a 17-year-old boy who went missing for nearly four days before he returned to his Northern California home told his family he hid on his high school campus, surviving on fruit from trees and drinking from the water fountain. The San Francisco Chronicle…
College’s goat- and sheep-guarding donkey has surprise birth
SOUTH KINGSTOWN, R.I. (AP) — The University of Rhode Island may have a new guard for its animal herd after a baby donkey was unexpectedly born. Jenny, one of the university’s two guard donkeys, gave birth to the foal Sunday at the school’s Peckham Farm. The university uses the donkeys to…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Chinese babies born during pollution-light Olympics heavier
BEIJING (AP) — Women in the Chinese capital in the final stage of pregnancy during the 2008 Beijing Olympics — when officials strictly controlled air pollution — gave birth to heavier babies than in years when the city was smoggier, a study said Wednesday. The study, led by…

 

European court: Bans on gay men blood donors sometimes OK
PARIS (AP) — The European Court of Justice ruled Wednesday that EU governments may ban gay men from ever donating blood, but only under strict conditions. Wednesday’s ruling was closely watched by activists and by governments that have lifetime bans on homosexual male blood donors, including…
UN says it will try to identify all Ebola cases by June    photo
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization says it aims to identify and isolate all new Ebola cases in West Africa by the end of May to stop the spread of the lethal virus before the rainy season. In a new Ebola plan released on Tuesday, the U.N. health agency said it hopes to limit…
Jeni’s to destroy 265 tons of ice cream after listeria found    photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams is destroying more than 265 tons of ice cream after listeria was found in the production facility and in products last week. CEO John Lowe says in a statement Tuesday that the product to be destroyed amounts to 15 tractor-trailer loads on more…
US lowers fluoride in water; too much causing splotchy teeth    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — The government is lowering the recommended amount of fluoride in drinking water because some kids are getting too much, causing white splotches on their teeth. It’s the first change since the government urged cities to add fluoride to water supplies to prevent tooth decay more…
Source of Ohio botulism cases likely was potato salad
LANCASTER, Ohio (AP) — Health officials say the likely source of the botulism outbreak that killed one person and sickened many others at an Ohio church potluck dinner was home-canned potatoes used in a potato salad. The Ohio Department of Health said Monday that testing has narrowed the…
Genetic testing moves into world of employee health    photo
Your employer may one day help determine if your genes are why your jeans have become too snug. Big companies are considering blending genetic testing with coaching on nutrition and exercise to help workers lose weight and improve their health before serious conditions like diabetes or heart…
CDC official: HIV outbreak lessons may spur ‘model response’
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — National health officials hope to use the lessons learned from efforts to contain an HIV outbreak in southern Indiana as “a model response” for the nation in combatting future outbreaks tied to intravenous drug use, a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention leader said…
Hawaii poised to become 1st state to raise smoking age to 21    photo
HONOLULU (AP) — A bill that would make Hawaii the first state to raise the legal smoking age to 21 cleared the Legislature on Friday and is headed to the governor. The bill would prevent adolescents from smoking, buying or possessing both traditional and electronic cigarettes. “It’s…
Health officials say ice cream is safe despite some recalls    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health officials say ice cream is still safe to eat — even amid recalls by two ice cream companies after the discovery of listeria bacteria in their frozen confections. The Food and Drug Administration and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say…
Indiana HIV outbreak, hepatitis C epidemic sparks CDC alert
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — An Indiana county is experiencing nearly daily increases in new HIV infections tied to intravenous drug use, and health officials hope the situation prompts other states to closely track their hepatitis C and HIV rates to identify potential clusters of the diseases….

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

Join my new Facebook group, download the free app for Apple or Android, subscribe to my YouTube channel, sign up or my newsletter, visit my Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and more at www.DailyDoseOfWeirdNews.com! [Theme music provided by Turner Broadcast Music Library and 615 Music.]

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Americans tend to gain weight as they get older but a new study finds that the quality of their diet generally improves at the same time.  ***MARLAR: So the obviously conclusion then is, as you get older, if you don’t want to gain weight, you should spend more money at McDonald’s.

 

A Texas State trooper has been reprimanded for posing for a photo with Snoop Dogg at the South by Southwest festival in Austin. That’s because the rapper has several convictions for drug possession. Billy Spears was working security at the event when Snoop asked to take a picture with him. Snoop then posted the image to Instagram with the comment: “Me ‘n my deputy dogg.”  ***MARLAR: So cops can’t pose for pictures with those who have a criminal past?  How do you avoid it?  How are you supposed to protect those people then?  That’s like half the entertainment industry, and all of CONGRESS!

 

Doctors traced an Arkansas man’s kidney failure to an unusual cause — his habit of drinking a gallon of iced tea each day. The 56-year-old man said he drank about 16 8-ounce cups of iced tea every day. Black tea has a chemical known to cause kidney stones or even kidney failure in excessive amounts. ***MARLAR: So do what I do, and drink 16 8oz cups of Pepsi each day instead.

 

We’ve found the 2015 Mother Of The Year – and her name is Toya Graham.  Toya is the mom who was seen angrily reprimanding her son in a viral video for throwing rocks at the police in Baltimore.  She says she smacked her son for one simple reason: he is her only son and she doesn’t “want him to be a Freddie Gray.”  *** We need more moms like this.  Someone build this woman a statue.

Original video: https://www.facebook.com/WSBTNews/videos/10155567685495171/

Toya Graham interview: https://youtu.be/qagQmoQRWdM

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The producers of a Dutch reality show in which ill people compete for a donor kidney admitted it was a hoax, and was created to draw attention to a real problem.  ***MARLAR: That “real problem” apparently being really bad reality TV shows.

 

A recent study says Friday is the day most people get fired. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, it makes for a longer weekend.

 

You could spend hundreds of dollars on fancy creams and facials or you could drink a cup of hot chocolate every day for three months for glowing, younger-looking skin!  ***MARLAR: Ah, that’s the problem.  Every day I’ve been drinking a hot cup of facial cream.

 

It’s snowing on Mars – but NASA reports it’s not crystalized water, but crystalized carbon dioxide. ***MARLAR: Which totally disproves global warming.  How can carbon dioxide cause warming while at the same time making snow?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Anonymous”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Sleeping Bags”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Racquet the Skunk made new single-notched badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles – but they all broke during their first game. But instead of making things right with his friends, Racquet is just trying to sell them more defective badminton racquets so he can get rich…

 

CLOSE: I can’t believe Racquet is so greedy that he’d prefer to get rich by ripping his friend off rather than be honest and help them like a true friend. I hope he comes to his senses soon. Tune in next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 02/03, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: And you thought YOU were busy! Tune in again next time – if you have time, that is – to see what the jungle animals do about their own time problems! As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A mom in Detroit is facing criminal charges for doing her laundry!

Seem absurd? Well, her 6-year-old son Ryan was in the dryer! Ryan and his sister were playing a simple game of hide and go seek when he decided to hop in the dryer to hide. Tressa Jaroch, Ryan’s mom, apparently didn’t approve and to punish him she closed the door with him inside and turned it on. He tumbled for two minutes receiving bumps, bruises and red skin before his 8-year-old sister pulled him out. The police arrested mom and sentenced her to 2 years behind bars.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

 

  1. Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

 

  1. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

 

  1. Karen’s beautiful solo: “It is Well With My Solo.”

 

  1. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

 

  1. Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”

 

  1. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

 

  1. As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

 

  1. For the word of God is quick and powerful…piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

 

  1. Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

 

  1. We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Two Florida brothers convinced a dentist into letting them chop off his finger!

 

FILE #1: Imagine letting someone chop off your finger… on purpose! Two brothers in Florida did exactly that – to their dentist! You see, the plan was that they would claim it was an accident and the 3 would split the insurance money. But, all didn’t go as planned. The dentist at first agreed, but quickly changed his mind and then the brothers became infuriated. So they held the dentist down and forcibly cut his index finger off. The dentist could no longer practice so he collected over one million dollars and when the brothers tried to extort money from him, he reported them to the FBI. They were promptly arrested.

 

FILE #2: Try to figure out where Mark Duncan of Fairbanks, Alaska, went wrong. Was it: A) When he stole someone else’s checkbook? B) When he wrote himself a check for $83? C) When he went to cash it at the grocery store he works at? D) All of the above. If you guessed “D”, you now know why the police quickly caught Mr. Duncan and is now in jail!

 

FILE #3: A man in Ohio courthouse lost his temper when he set off a metal detector and allegedly punched a police officer. Police say the 61-year-old started swearing when he was asked to step through the detector at Delaware County Court for a second time. He was wrestled to the ground and later charged with assault, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. He was not carrying a weapon and police believe the metal detector was triggered by a personal item. Oddly enough, he wasn’t going to court on personal charges, but rather for jury duty.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Chico, CA, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. ***MARLAR: Gee, now there’s a powerful deterrent.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

57-year-old David Walls has Williamsburg, Pennsylvania, buzzing.

Walls was enjoying more than his share of adult libations (in other words, he was drinking a lot of alcohol) when a swarm of bees began circling overhead. In his inebriated state, exterminating the bees by using a .22 caliber revolver loaded with buckshot seemed like a good idea. It wasn’t, as Walls ended up in the hospital after shooting himself in the left hand.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Summer is usually a time of movie sequels and prequels. Some will be good, others won’t be. In your opinion, what are some of the worst movie sequels or prequels of all time?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What bedridden, aged king was always cold no matter how many blankets were heaped upon him?
ANSWER: David (1 Kings 1:1)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In the US we get a new one about every 18 months; in Europe it’s about every 12 months; in Japan it’s about every 9 months. What is it?

ANSWER: A cell phone.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Paul Revere’s legendary April ride took place during the Civil War. (False, American Revolution)

 

  1. Martin Luther King was assassinated on Christmas, December 25th, 1968. (False, April 4, 1968)

 

  1. The Cable network Nickelodeon started in 1985. (False, 1979)

 

  1. On April 1st, 2002, The Netherlands was the first in the world to legalize Euthanasia. (True)

 

  1. In April 1906 there was a severe earthquake followed by a fire in Boston. (False, San Francisco)

 

  1. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. (True)

 

  1. Actor Jack Nicholson was born in 1922. (False, 1937)

 

  1. Nick Romano once said, “Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse.” (True)

 

  1. The Washington Post has the slogan “All the news that’s fit to print.” (False, The New York Times)

 

  1. Las Vegas is called the “Honeymoon Capital” of the world. (False, Niagara Falls)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SOLAR PANEL IN _______ (OUTER SPACE)

NASA has launched huge solar panel into space.  They will be soaking up the sun’s rays from high above Earth.

The energy will be beamed down to our planet where power stations will pick it up and farm it out to customers.

Executives who run the California-based firm Artemis Innovation Management Solutions, said the Solar Power Satellite via Arbitrarily Large PHased Array, has finally arrived.

The Solar Panel is cheaper than some alternatives.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, “Dad, am I 100% polar bear?”

The father polar bear replied, “Of course, son, you’re 100% polar bear.”

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, “Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?”

The father polar bear replies, “Son, I’m 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear.”

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, “Dad, don’t think your sparing my feelings if it’s not true. I gotta know — am I 100% polar bear?”

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, “Why do you keep asking if you’re 100% polar bear?”

“Because I’m freezing!”

 

JOKE #2

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”

 

JOKE #3

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good … mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.  She talks too much in school.  I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Starbucks is blaming the mortgage meltdown for its slump in sales.  ***MARLAR: Because nobody can afford to have both a house and Starbucks.

 

A pregnant woman who was fleeing a bear when she was struck by a slow-moving car said she would honor the euthanized animal by giving her baby the middle name “Bear.”  ***MARLAR: Sounds like she should name the kid after a car… like “Dodge.”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

WELL, THAT’S TRUE
There was a little old lady in the church who would never say anything bad about anybody, ever. Knowing this the pastor one day asked her, “What do you think about the devil?” He thought that surely she would have to say something negative in this case.

She simply replied, “He’s very good at what he does.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DRIVING ME CRAZY

What happens if you just refuse to accept that you’ve failed your driving test?

French driving students may soon have to wait 24 hours before finding out test results because too many candidates are attacking examiners who fail them on the spot. Some who fail their driving test are venting their frustration by threatening examiners with death, often at gunpoint, and attacking their cars. Under the new policy, already in operation in some areas of France, candidates will have to wait until the end of a 24-hour cooling-off period to be told by mail if they passed. ***MARLAR: So the anger will now be directed at mail carriers. And you thought “going postal” was a problem before.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A CHILD’S WISDOM
Joseph J. Mazzella
It is amazing how much wiser children are than adults sometimes. This is especially true when it comes to the important things in life like love and joy. I was reminded of this just yesterday when I was picking up my children from school. I had no sooner come through the door to the school when I got a huge hug. This wasn’t from my own children either but from a beautiful nine year old girl that I had known since she was three. It was pure delight receiving this hug and it made my whole day brighter and more joyful.
Children you see aren’t quite so afraid to share their love and joy as we adults are. They give it freely and happily. They are not crushed if it isn’t returned either. They are too busy sharing it with even more people to be worried about the one or two who rejected it.
We all should follow the wisdom of a child then. We all should set aside our fears, reach through the thorns, and take a hold of the love and joy in our lives. A few little hurts should never stop us from choosing and sharing the love and joy that God gives to each of us as our birthright.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“As a father pities his children, So the LORD pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust” — Psalm 103:13-14
Wouldn’t it be a scary thing if our God was not compassionate? Could you imagine the fear we would live in if our God were mean like the false gods? You borrow a penny from your wife’s purse without her knowing. Is it stealing? Will God strike you with lightning — or worse yet — a lingering fatal illness? You say an angry, hateful thing to your mother. Do you duck for fear of some celestial punishment? Talking about living in fear… that would do it.

Fortunately our God had great compassion on those of us who have a healthy fear of Him. That fear is a healthy respect for, not a breath wrong and you die type of fear. Because of this great love, we live in peace knowing that forgiveness is always available should we sin.
Unfortunately, many of us have forgotten that God can be a severe judge. We take for granted that He will love us no matter what. We have not seen an Ananias and Saphira type of incident in our churches lately. So what is there to fear. We can neither see God nor feel Him nor hear Him with an audible voice. This all gives rise to the question “Does he really exist? And even if He does, is He really interested in what I do? “Sure, we never really ask those questions. But we all too often live like we did. Think about it. What do you really think about God? Who is He really? What is your real relationship with Him? Do you really know Him? Do you really care about what He says? I urge you to honestly answer these questions. If you do, you may be surprised about how much you have to grow in your spiritual life.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

VA-ROOM!
Do you have a name for your car? If you’re planning on it, be careful what you name it…it could cause you to have an accident!

Actually, it has more to do with your personality, but the name you give your car does reveal something about you. Call your car a name like Dusty or Scrappy and you could end up having more accidents. Owners who dub their vehicles Flo or Daisy are likely to have scrapes and bumps, and drivers who call their cars Lightning or Linford are the “worst nightmare of the insurance industry”… at least, according to a new report. The RAC discovered that nearly half of all motorists believed their car has a gender – with 28% seeing their cars as female and 18% as male. The most popular boy names were Fred and Henry while Beth, Bess and Liz were the most popular girl names for cars. The report divided those who gave their cars a name into various categories. If you consider yourself “Rough and Ready,” you might call your car names like The Skip, Dusty, Bread Basket or Scrappy. Owners of these cars tend to be men in their 20’s who may speed. If you’re a girl that likes to have fun, your car might be named Flo, Daisy, Lily, Vicky, Betty or Lizzie. Drivers of these car names might be involved in low-speed scrapes and bumps through daydreaming. And if you have a need for speed, popular names for your cars might include Pocket Rocket, Lightning, Speedy and Linford. These are mostly owned by men under age 25. Their sole purpose of driving is to travel as fast as possible and to impress their mates. ***MARLAR: I wonder what it says about my personality that I’ve named my car Rusty…

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Being stressed out could make you fat and unhealthy.

That’s because one of the first things people do when they get stressed is eat stuff that’s bad for them. In other words, comfort food. Plus, people who are stressed out tend to smoke and drink more and blow off going to the gym, if they even went in the first place. To make matters worse, stress releases hormones and nerve chemicals into the body that weaken the immune system, making you more susceptible to illness. So, what can you do? Some tips include skipping coffee and snacks at break time and instead taking a quick walk to clear your head and to schedule those breaks as you would any other meeting. Cutting down on the caffeine, or eliminating it altogether will also help you sleep better and in turn reduce stress.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

A couple of kids in Austria really made real, uh “behinds” of themselves.

Two broke into their school recently and wrote threats against teachers on the walls, drilled holes in floors, smeared ketchup on desks, destroyed gym equipment and smashed windows to the tune of about $10,000 in damages. To finalize their felicitation for the faculty, they photocopied their fannies and fastened facsimiles to the faculty fridge.  Anyway, the police enlarged the Xerox copies and were able to make out part of their faces in the background. Their headmaster immediately recognized them and they were arrested.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU’VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO

  • Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
  • The tongue depressors taste faintly like fudgesicles.
  • The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “An apple a day.”
  • Your “Primary Care Physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
  • With your last HMO, your pain killers didn’t come in different colors with little “M”s on them.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Seconds Away from Success

If you’re on top of the music scene and aware of the hit makers being generated through social media, then you know of Shawn Mendez. For the rest of us, he’s quickly reaching stardom status. He’s a six-second wonder.
Shawn is 16 and in the 11th grade, and lives in Ontario, Canada. Uh-oh. Another Justin Bieber. His debut album just shouted down the soundtrack to Furious 7. In fact, his “Handwritten” tracks were numero uno on Billboard. I can’t stand these success prodigies. Okay…I admit to being a bit envious—and troubled.
You see, Shawn Mendez is a hot selling artist and his music is not even played on the radio. Yet.
His rise to fame came through Vine, a mobile app where posts are all of six seconds! Check out the Mendez Vine page and you discover his videos have 367 million “loops”—or views. I learned this from reading his story over the weekend. (See the New York Times link, http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/25/arts/music/a-rapid-rise-for-shawn-mendes-in-tune-with-social-media.html?emc=edit_th_20150425&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=68618012&_r=0)
So who owns Vine? Twitter. The masters of short form messaging. But who can deliver a compelling act in six seconds? Apparently, a lot of people—the majority of whom come nowhere close to the success of Shawn Mendez.
However, I liken this short attention grabbing method to some old school work of professionals. Specifically, those who write headlines and those in advertising. These folks know you must grab the attention very quickly or your customer is gone. Good telemarketers and cold callers know this, too. In store salespeople often try and stop you with a personal question such as, “Is that an iPhone 6 you have?” Me: “Why, yes it is!” Too late. Now I’m conversing about satellite systems I don’t want or need!

Some of the headlines in newspapers and magazines that have turned the trick for response include:

  • How a Strange Accident Saved Me from Baldness
  • Are You Ashamed of the Smells in Your Home?
  • Play Guitar in Seven Days or Your Money Back
  • How I Started a New Life with $7

Television and radio people use short teases for upcoming segments. Direct mail uses gimmicks (close to trickery) to get you to open “official” looking mail. So why not a simple premise like, “You’ve got six seconds to impress me, Kid!” Works for me.
There is a big challenge waiting. Do the goods match the pitch being made? If not, credibility fades. At that point, even new and more clever approaches fall flat.
A few takeaways on this subject include:

  • To get attention you must arouse and intensify interest.
  • Quick hitting, creative messages can get you in the door.
  • Sustained interest requires consistent delivery of what your customer comes to expect from you.
  • Shortcuts often lead to short lived relationships.
  • Repetition of a short, but effective, message—when delivered in a tight window of space or time—can be very powerful in delivering recall.

One of the most effective, power-packed messages delivered by rescue missions and other ministries of Christ followers has just two words: Jesus Saves. Most people are familiar with John 3:16. You see signs for it everywhere. I personally think John 3:17 has a lot of spiritual punch: “For God did not send His Son to the world that he may judge the world, but that the world may be saved through him.” (Young’s Literal Translation)
Jesus saves. Two simple words. When the message is received and allowed to play out, hearts find peace. Consciences are cleared. Hope is renewed. Relationships are restored. Eternities are changed.
And get this. Jesus calls himself The True Vine. Look it up. (John 15)

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

NO CAFFEINE FOR MOMS-TO-BE

Women have long been warned not to drink alcohol while pregnant, and now it looks like you can add coffee to the list.

Researchers say that pregnant women who drink two or more cups of coffee a day have twice the risk of having a miscarriage as those who avoid caffeine. The warning also includes soda, although it would take five cans to equal the amount of caffeine as in two cups of coffee. There have been conflicting studies on this in the past, but they say this latest report should settle matters once and for all. They go on to say that women who are pregnant or are trying to have a baby should stop drinking coffee for at least three months or, better yet, throughout the entire pregnancy.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

Coming May 4th, 2015!

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

The Jesus Film is bringing the Gospel to Iran. The Jesus Film Media mobile app is being adapted for those who speak Farsi and it is having an amazing impact. The JESUS film itself is divided into 61 two-minute clips, perfect for a mobile app. Ministry leaders say that, while large showings of the Jesus film are impossible in areas of the world that are hostile to Christianity, the use of cell phones and tablets have provided new ways to personally connect with others.

https://t.co/cJ2EAdwGbs

 

A visitor to Arkansas’ Crater of Diamonds State Park says she asked God, “Are you going to bless me and let me find a diamond today?” The answer, apparently, was a resounding yes. And a short time later Susie Clark spotted a teardrop-shaped 3.69-carat gem that she’s dubbed the Hallelujah Diamond. Clark says she’s keeping her diamond, but a year ago, a teen sold a 3.85-carat diamond she found at Crater of Diamonds for $20,000.

 

McDonald’s is testing “Create Your Taste” kiosks, where you can place customized orders on a large flat screen at a few stores. One mad genius Chicago man decided to see what would happen if he ordered the maximum amount of ingredients that the touch screens allow for one burger. The result? A burger with two quarter pounder patties, an “artisan” bun and 10X every single other ingredient from onions to bacon. https://youtu.be/nlf2qej33eU

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

This watch I have is a family heirloom. I value it so much because my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold it to me. –Wisecrack of Dawn

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 24, 2015…

 

Little Boy—This is an unusual story about a small boy, age seven, who decides he wants to end WWII.  He and his father are great friends, but when the father is called to go to war, the boy begins to worry about his safety. It is a story of faith…lots of faith. Hmm, see what happens here. Stars include Jakob Salvanti, Kevin James, Emily Watson, Ted Levine and Tom Wilkinson. “Little Boy” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

The Water Diviner— This film is the directing debut of actor Russell Crowe and is adapted from the novel by Andrew Anastasasios and Dr. Meghan Anastasasios. The premise has a farmer in the Balkans, after WWI, trying to locate his sons who are soldiers. He finds graves, but are the sons really dead? Also in the cast  are Olga Kuylicho, James O’Toole and Jai Courtney. “The Water Diviner” is rated R. No rating.

 

Infinitely Polar Bear (opening in select cities)—Mark Ruffalo and Zoe Saldana star in this romance comedy about a man, who is bi-polar, decides to pay more attention to his two young, energetic daughters and give his wife a break. Keir Dullea is in the cast, too. “Infinitely Polar Bear” is rated PG 13.

 

Age of Adaline—-This is a story of a woman (Blake Lively) who doesn’t age. Fifty-plus years go by and she looks the same. One  person knows her secret, her aging daughter. Enter romance, and what to do? Also in the cast are Kathy Baker, Amanda Crew, Ellen Burstyn and Harrison Ford. “Age of Adaline” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for this interesting story.

 

MAY 01, 2015…

 

Avengers: Age of Ultron has just about every Marvel comic book hero who can hold a script in it. Enjoy.

 

She’s Funny That Way is brave to go against “Avengers: Ultron” this week. “She’s Funny…” is a comedy about a stage star and the people in her life. Stars Imogen Poots and Owen Wilson.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.