April 30, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180430
PDF: 20180430

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

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PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“The best way to enhance freedom in other lands is to demonstrate here that our democratic system is worthy of emulation.” – Jimmy Carter

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.” –Proverbs 20:19

Jesus is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. — Hebrews 7:25

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” — John 14:6

Thought: I don’t want to be any more exclusive than Jesus. But I do want to hear his voice. He calls me to find the way to the Father through him. I must also know that others must know him to find their way to the Father, too. How can we not be more passionate about those around us who do not really know Jesus as their Savior, Redeemer, Brother, and Lord? How can the first four books of our New Testament lie unread?

Prayer: Holy God and Righteous Father, give me a passion for Jesus and a heart that knows him in word, deed, and concern. In the name of Jesus, your mighty Word, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ephesians 4:30 NIV = And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

TODAY IS MONDAY – APRIL 30, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
238 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is SPANK-OUT DAY. A day encouraging parents NOT to spank their children. ***Also known as “You’re Grounded For Life” Day.

Today is MR. POTATO HEAD DAY. On this date in 1952 the first toy was advertised on television—Mr. Potato Head.

THE SECRET LIFE OF MR. POTATO HEAD (From CNN.com)

Here are a few things you probably did not know (or have since forgotten) about Mr. Potato head.

  • The original toy came as a collection of eyes, ears, noses, a body and accessories that you’d “force” into a real potato. To be fair to Hasbro (Mr. Potato Head’s creator) the kit did include a Styrofoam “potato” but it wasn’t much fun.
  • In 1964 a molded plastic potato body became part of the toy. But back then, Mr. Potato Head also had friends including Carrots, Cucumbers, Oranges, Peppers and a love interest, Mrs. Potato Head. With Brother Spud and Sister Yam there was an entire Potato Head family, and all of the packaging carried the slogan “Lifelike Fruits Or Vegetables To Change Into Funny, Lovable Friends.”
  • What’s most amazing, however, is that Mr. Potato Head’s appeal has garnered him many “spokespud” gigs. In the American Cancer Society’s annual “Great American Smokeout” campaign he handed his pipe to then Surgeon General C. Everett Koop and swore off the tobacco, he got up off the couch for the President’s Council on Physical Fitness, and he even pitched in with the League of Women Voters for their “Get Out the Vote” initiative.
  • Of course, he’s been involved in plenty of straight marketing campaigns, too: in 1997, he shilled for Burger King’s “Try the Fry” introduction of their new French fries. That said, our favorite thing about the spud is the sort of celebrity pull he has. After all, what other toy can claim they were voiced by late, great Don Rickles?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Adopt A Shelter Pet Day
Animal Advocacy Day
Beltane
Bugs Bunny Day
Day of Vesak
Kiss of Hope Day
International Jazz Day
National Animal Advocacy Day
National Bubble Tea Day
National Honesty Day
National Military Brats Day
National Prepareathon Day
Spank Out Day – USA
Walpurgis Night

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MAY 01

Batman Day (Also in September)
Beltane
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
Executive Coaching Day
Foster Care Day
Global Love Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Workers Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
Law Day
Lei Day
Lemonade Day
Loyalty Day
May Day
May One Day
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
Skyscraper Day
Stepmother’s Day
World Asthma Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 02

Great American Grump Out
Life Insurance Day
National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy
National (Deaf) Interpreter Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
World Tuna Day

THURSDAY, MAY 03

Garden Meditation Day
Lag B’Omer
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Textiles Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Paranormal Day
Public Radio Day
SAN Architect Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Day of Prayer
National Day of Reason
World Password Day

FRIDAY, MAY 04

Bird Day
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May the Fourth Be With You!)
International Firefighters Day
International Respect for Chickens Day
International Space Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
National Life Insurance Day
Petite and Proud Day
School Lunch Hero Day
Tuba Day
World Give Day

SATURDAY, MAY 05

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day
Bombshell’s Day
Cartoonists Day
Childhood Stroke Awareness Day
Cinco de Mayo
Free Comic Book Day
Herb Day
International Day of The Midwife
International Roller Derby Day
Join Hands Day
Kentucky Derby
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
National Auctioneers Day
National Astronaut Day
National Homebrew Day
National Scrapbooking Day
National Wildfire Community Preparedness Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
Silence The Shame Day
Start Seeing Monarchs Day
Totally Chipotle Day
World Naked Gardening Day

SUNDAY, MAY 06

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day
Joseph Brackett Day
Lemonade Day
Mariachi Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of The Bikes Day
National Infertility Survival Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day
Rural Life Sunday
Russel Stover Candies Day
World Laughter Day

MONDAY, MAY 07

Cosmopolitan Day
Design Packaging Day
Melanoma Monday
National Barrier Awareness Day
National Library Legislative Day
Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy

ON THIS DAY

1789: George Washington was sworn in as the first president of the U.S. George was 57 years old when he was elected. ***And since he could not tell a lie, the inauguration speech was only twelve seconds.

1900: Legendary railroad engineer Casey Jones was killed in the wreck of the Cannonball Express near Vaughan, Mississippi. He stayed at the controls, trying to save the passengers. No one else died in the wreck.

1904: John T. Benson Jr. was born. He would become president of Heartwarming Music in Nashville and write the hymn “Love Lifted Me.”

1938: That wascally wabbit Bugs Bunny first appeared on screen in the cartoon “Porky’s Hare Hunt,” directed by “Bugs” Hardaway for Warner Brothers. Mel Blanc, who did Bugs’ voice, was allergic to carrots. ***Odd fact – Mel Blanc, who did Bugs’ voice, was allergic to carrots!

1945: Host Jack Bailey debuted on Mutual Radio with “Queen For A Day,” where each day the woman with the saddest hard-luck story was crowned queen. The first Queen for a Day was Mrs. Evelyn Lane.

1952: The first toy was advertised on television—Mr. Potato Head.

1958: To test bombing accuracy, the U.S. Navy dropped 12 basketballs from a blimp 1,470 feet over a 10-foot cross target in Lakehurst, New Jersey. None of the balls came even close, but one did bounce 22-feet 9-inches high. ***I guess that’s the kind of thing you like to see when bombing a village.

1967: Muhammad Ali refused induction into the U.S. Army and was stripped of his heavyweight boxing title. He sited religious grounds for his refusal.

1987: Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita” became her 11th consecutive top five single.

1988: Residents of Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania, completed a 4.55-mile-long banana split, recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest ever. ***They also broke the record for most people injured by slipping on banana peels.

1993: A man who claimed to be a fan of Steffi Graf, stabbed tennis star Monica Seles in the back during a match in Hamburg, Germany. The attacker was convicted and given a suspended sentence.

2000: A 24-year-old cab driver who liked to climb downtown buildings in the middle of the night broke his leg after falling about 20 feet. The climber fell from a three-story building in Glen Falls, New York, about 3 a.m. when a concrete ledge he was holding broke loose. He was released from a nearby hospital the following day.

2001: A 77-year-old man Chicago who admitted holding up three banks to pay for dates with his 80-year-old girlfriend was sentenced to three years in federal prison. The man said he afraid he would lose his girlfriend if he couldn’t afford to keep up with her lifestyle. In three robberies he netted $8,702.

2004: Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to a grand jury indictment that expanded the child molestation charge against him in Santa Maria, California. And at trial, he was acquitted.

2005: Jennifer Wilbanks, missing from Georgia, turned up in Albuquerque. She had claimed she was abducted, but then admitted she was a ”runaway bride.”

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

304: The last and most punishing anti-Christian edict during Roman Emperor Diocletian’s reign is published. The ensuing carnage was so horrific that it was said even the coliseum lions got tired. The man behind the edict, Augustus Galerius, finally issued an edict of toleration on April 30, 311—just days before dying of a disease known as “being eaten with worms”.

311: Galerius Valerius Maximianus issued an edict under which Christians were legally recognized in the Roman Empire.

418: Roman Emperor Honorius (395-423) issues a decree against Pelagianism, a heresy teaching that man can take the initial and fundamental steps towards salvation by his own efforts, apart from divine grace.

1562: Two ships carrying 150 Huguenot (French Protestant) immigrants arrive off the coast of northeast Florida. The settlers established a colony at Parris Island, South Carolina, but abandoned it two years later due to a lack of supplies.

1822: Hannibal Goodwin, rector of the Episcopal House of Prayer in Newark, New Jersey, is born in Taughannock, New York. Though his main passion was making the Bible “come to life” for the children in his church, he dreamed up 24 inventions during his life and received 15 patents. Today we remember him primarily as the father of celluloid film for photography.

1854: Death of James Montgomery, for many years Scotland’s sole Moravian pastor. He championed the cause of underdogs and twice went to prison for expressing his views too freely in his newspaper, the Sheffield Iris. His strong support helped win acceptance for hymn singing in the Anglican church. He wrote hymns himself, the best known being the Christmas carol “Angels from the Realms of Glory.”

1884: Their first independent conference is held by the Russian Baptists.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Spider-Man, Get Over It, Elizabethtown, Wimbledon) Kirsten Dunst 36

  • actor (“Roseanne”, Hancock, “The Big Bang Theory”) Johnny Galecki 43

  • actress (“Dirty Sexy Money”, numerous TV movies) Jill Clayburgh 74

  • actress (“Malcolm in the Middle”, “The Ellen Show”, “The Facts of Life”) Cloris Leachman 92 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1923 : Percy Heath

1927 : Johnny Horton

1931 : Peter La Farge

1941 : Johnny Farina (Santo & Johnny)

1943 : Bobby Vee

1944 : Richard Shoff (The Sandpipers)

1945 : Mimi Farina

1948 : Wayne Kramer (MC5)

1953 : Merrill Osmond (The Osmonds)

1967 : Turbo B (Snap)

1971 : Chris “Choc” Dalyrimple (Soul For Real)

1972 : J.R. Richards (Dishwalla)

1973 : Jeff Timmons (98 Degrees)

1981 : Justin Vernon (Bon Iver)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Do bananas grow on trees?

Sure, like money. Did you ever see a money tree? Well you have as much chance of seeing a banana tree, or a monkey reading the Wall Street Journal. (Imagine that… monkeys picking stocks!) Bananas grow out of a trunkless plant – an herb, to be exact. The fruit comes out of the stem of the plant, appearing first as flowers. They grow in bunches on the plant and are picked when green so that they will be ripe by the time they reach your cereal bowl. Banana plants are transplanted by taking a piece of the plant’s underground stem and replanting it. These pieces are called “suckers.” Which brings us back to those monkeys on Wall Street.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Bill Cosby, who at on etime was considered “America’s Dad,” was convicted in a Pennsylvania courtroom Thursday of sexual-assault.  ***If you just woke up from a 30-year coma, you’re probably wondering what is going on.  “Well, remember BELOVED TV DAD Bill Cosby? Oh, and you better sit down when I tell you who our President is…”

Thursday, during Take Your Child to Work Day at the White House, one of the kids visiting the press briefing room asked White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “Why did President Trump fire former James Comey as FBI director?”  ***Then one of the school boys asked for Stormie Daniels’ phone number.

Oxford researchers say that the clouds that float above the planet Uranus smell like rotten eggs and farts. ***And Pluto smells like a cartoon dog.

In Belmont County, Ohio, 24-year-old Kiana Wallace was sentenced to 18 months in prison for submitting a borrowed urine sample that – wait for it – tested positive for drugs. Wallace pleaded guilty earlier this month to attempted tampering with evidence. Judge Frank Fregiato asked her, “Let me get this straight. To avoid the positive test with your own urine, you used someone else’s urine which turned out to be positive also.”  ***This is why, if you plan on faking a urine sample for drug testing, that you vet the person you are asking very well.  Or at least ask if they do drugs.

For his next “Mission: Impossible” movie, Tom Cruise had to parachute jump out of a plane 106 times before they got the footage they needed.  ***At Tom Cruise’s age, that’s like having a midlife crisis and deciding that you’d rather have an end-of-life crisis.

A stripper named Veronica Beckham befriended a guy who turned out to be the IT guy for HBO. When he died a few months after meeting her, he decided to leave her money in his will-to the tune of $223,000. Needless to say, his family is not pleased.  ***Well, family – maybe you ought to take up stripping!

Kim Kardashian felt it was necessary to point out that she and her husband, Kanye West, have “different feelings” about President Trump.  ***A Republican – married to a Democrat.  Bets are now being taken for how much longer that marriage will last.

At the University of Utah, they actually have a “Cry Closet” set up. A place for students to go during the high-stress finals week.  ***You think it’s stressful during finals week?  Just wait until you get into the real world where they expect results every single day.  And your employer is NOT going to give you a namby pamby “cry closet” – you wuss.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Climbing the corporate ladder could be setting your health up for a big fall, according to a recent survey. Researchers found when people are handed a promotion, they suffer 10% more mental strain. And they are 20% less likely to see their doctor due to more worries and less time to get away from the office. “Getting a promotion at work is not as great as many people think,” says study spearhead Chris Boyce of the University of Warwick in England. ***So when offered a promotion, next time I’ll politely turn it down and just ask for the raise in pay instead.

Swiss scientists have demonstrated how a partially paralyzed person can control a robot by thought alone, a step they hope will one day allow immobile people to interact with their surroundings through so-called avatars. ***Great, that’s all we need… really tall, blue people walking around.

If you think it costs too much to eat your fruits and vegetables, think again. According to a study by the Department of Agriculture, consumers can get their recommended three servings of fruits and four servings of vegetables daily for less than a dollar. ***That assumes you buy them raw at the grocery store. If you’re like most Americans, it’ll cost you at least ten bucks a day to get the same amounts by eating fruit parfaits, Popsicles and pizza.

Using data from the Centers From Disease Control, Fargo has been named America’s drunkest city (by Bustle.com). ***Well – it’s Fargo. What else is there to do there?

Scientists estimate that the world’s spider population eats 400 to 800 million tons of bugs every year. ***So yeah, you’re ugly and scary, but thank you, you 8-legged freaks!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear and Sully the Aardvark were about to go head to head in their regular checkers match… and it sounds as if they don’t pull any punches when it comes to playing the game or even trying to intimidate each other before the game begins!

CLOSE: Can’t miss them? I don’t even know what Gruffy is TALKING about! I don’t think I could follow those directions if they were printed out through MapQuest and fed into a GPS system! And who is this new guy… Grizz? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
A mom in Detroit is facing criminal charges for doing her laundry!

Seem absurd? Well, her 6-year-old son Ryan was in the dryer! Ryan and his sister were playing a simple game of hide and go seek when he decided to hop in the dryer to hide. Tressa Jaroch, Ryan’s mom, apparently didn’t approve and to punish him she closed the door with him inside and turned it on. He tumbled for two minutes receiving bumps, bruises and red skin before his 8-year-old sister pulled him out. The police arrested mom and sentenced her to 2 years behind bars.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

10. Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

9. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

8. Karen’s beautiful solo: “It is Well With My Solo.”

7. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

6. Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”

5. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

4. As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

3. For the word of God is quick and powerful…piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

2. Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

1. We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Two Florida brothers convinced a dentist into letting them chop off his finger!

FILE #1: Imagine letting someone chop off your finger… on purpose! Two brothers in Florida did exactly that – to their dentist! You see, the plan was that they would claim it was an accident and the 3 would split the insurance money. But, all didn’t go as planned. The dentist at first agreed, but quickly changed his mind and then the brothers became infuriated. So they held the dentist down and forcibly cut his index finger off. The dentist could no longer practice so he collected over one million dollars and when the brothers tried to extort money from him, he reported them to the FBI. They were promptly arrested.

FILE #2: Try to figure out where Mark Duncan of Fairbanks, Alaska, went wrong. Was it: A) When he stole someone else’s checkbook? B) When he wrote himself a check for $83? C) When he went to cash it at the grocery store he works at? D) All of the above. If you guessed “D”, you now know why the police quickly caught Mr. Duncan and is now in jail!

FILE #3: A man in Ohio courthouse lost his temper when he set off a metal detector and allegedly punched a police officer. Police say the 61-year-old started swearing when he was asked to step through the detector at Delaware County Court for a second time. He was wrestled to the ground and later charged with assault, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. He was not carrying a weapon and police believe the metal detector was triggered by a personal item. Oddly enough, he wasn’t going to court on personal charges, but rather for jury duty.

STRANGE LAW: In Chico, CA, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. ***MARLAR: Gee, now there’s a powerful deterrent.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

57-year-old David Walls has Williamsburg, Pennsylvania, buzzing.

Walls was enjoying more than his share of adult libations (in other words, he was drinking a lot of alcohol) when a swarm of bees began circling overhead. In his inebriated state, exterminating the bees by using a .22 caliber revolver loaded with buckshot seemed like a good idea. It wasn’t, as Walls ended up in the hospital after shooting himself in the left hand.

PHONER PHUN

Summer is usually a time of movie sequels and prequels. Some will be good, others won’t be. In your opinion, what are some of the worst movie sequels or prequels of all time?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What bedridden, aged king was always cold no matter how many blankets were heaped upon him?
ANSWER: David (1 Kings 1:1)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In the US we get a new one about every 18 months; in Europe it’s about every 12 months; in Japan it’s about every 9 months. What is it?

ANSWER: A cell phone.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Paul Revere’s legendary April ride took place during the Civil War. (False, American Revolution)

2. Martin Luther King was assassinated on Christmas, December 25th, 1968. (False, April 4, 1968)

3. The Cable network Nickelodeon started in 1985. (False, 1979)

4. On April 1st, 2002, The Netherlands was the first in the world to legalize Euthanasia. (True)

5. In April 1906 there was a severe earthquake followed by a fire in Boston. (False, San Francisco)

6. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. (True)

7. Actor Jack Nicholson was born in 1922. (False, 1937)

8. Nick Romano once said, “Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse.” (True)

9. The Washington Post has the slogan “All the news that’s fit to print.” (False, The New York Times)

10. Las Vegas is called the “Honeymoon Capital” of the world. (False, Niagara Falls)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SOLAR PANEL IN _______ (OUTER SPACE)

NASA has launched huge solar panel into space.  They will be soaking up the sun’s rays from high above Earth.

The energy will be beamed down to our planet where power stations will pick it up and farm it out to customers.

Executives who run the California-based firm Artemis Innovation Management Solutions, said the Solar Power Satellite via Arbitrarily Large PHased Array, has finally arrived.

The Solar Panel is cheaper than some alternatives.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, “Dad, am I 100% polar bear?”

The father polar bear replied, “Of course, son, you’re 100% polar bear.”

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, “Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?”

The father polar bear replies, “Son, I’m 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear.”

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, “Dad, don’t think your sparing my feelings if it’s not true. I gotta know — am I 100% polar bear?”

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, “Why do you keep asking if you’re 100% polar bear?”

“Because I’m freezing!”

JOKE #2

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”

JOKE #3

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good … mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.  She talks too much in school.  I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

USELESS FACTS

Sharks are the only fish that can’t swim backwards. If you pull a shark backward by the tail, it will die. ***That sounds like it might’ve been a better way to go in JAWS – why didn’t they do THAT?

Garbage trucks in Taipei play Beethoven’s “Fur Elise” to let people know it’s time to bring the trash out. ***Seeing as you’re bringing out garbage, I’d think playing disco would be more appropriate.

FEATURED FUNNIES

WELL, THAT’S TRUE
There was a little old lady in the church who would never say anything bad about anybody, ever. Knowing this the pastor one day asked her, “What do you think about the devil?” He thought that surely she would have to say something negative in this case.

She simply replied, “He’s very good at what he does.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DRIVING ME CRAZY

What happens if you just refuse to accept that you’ve failed your driving test?

French driving students may soon have to wait 24 hours before finding out test results because too many candidates are attacking examiners who fail them on the spot. Some who fail their driving test are venting their frustration by threatening examiners with death, often at gunpoint, and attacking their cars. Under the new policy, already in operation in some areas of France, candidates will have to wait until the end of a 24-hour cooling-off period to be told by mail if they passed. ***MARLAR: So the anger will now be directed at mail carriers. And you thought “going postal” was a problem before.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A CHILD’S WISDOM
Joseph J. Mazzella
It is amazing how much wiser children are than adults sometimes. This is especially true when it comes to the important things in life like love and joy. I was reminded of this just yesterday when I was picking up my children from school. I had no sooner come through the door to the school when I got a huge hug. This wasn’t from my own children either but from a beautiful nine year old girl that I had known since she was three. It was pure delight receiving this hug and it made my whole day brighter and more joyful.
Children you see aren’t quite so afraid to share their love and joy as we adults are. They give it freely and happily. They are not crushed if it isn’t returned either. They are too busy sharing it with even more people to be worried about the one or two who rejected it.
We all should follow the wisdom of a child then. We all should set aside our fears, reach through the thorns, and take a hold of the love and joy in our lives. A few little hurts should never stop us from choosing and sharing the love and joy that God gives to each of us as our birthright.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“As a father pities his children, So the LORD pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust” — Psalm 103:13-14
Wouldn’t it be a scary thing if our God was not compassionate? Could you imagine the fear we would live in if our God were mean like the false gods? You borrow a penny from your wife’s purse without her knowing. Is it stealing? Will God strike you with lightning — or worse yet — a lingering fatal illness? You say an angry, hateful thing to your mother. Do you duck for fear of some celestial punishment? Talking about living in fear… that would do it.

Fortunately our God had great compassion on those of us who have a healthy fear of Him. That fear is a healthy respect for, not a breath wrong and you die type of fear. Because of this great love, we live in peace knowing that forgiveness is always available should we sin.
Unfortunately, many of us have forgotten that God can be a severe judge. We take for granted that He will love us no matter what. We have not seen an Ananias and Saphira type of incident in our churches lately. So what is there to fear. We can neither see God nor feel Him nor hear Him with an audible voice. This all gives rise to the question “Does he really exist? And even if He does, is He really interested in what I do? “Sure, we never really ask those questions. But we all too often live like we did. Think about it. What do you really think about God? Who is He really? What is your real relationship with Him? Do you really know Him? Do you really care about what He says? I urge you to honestly answer these questions. If you do, you may be surprised about how much you have to grow in your spiritual life.

LEFTOVERS

VA-ROOM!
Do you have a name for your car? If you’re planning on it, be careful what you name it…it could cause you to have an accident!

Actually, it has more to do with your personality, but the name you give your car does reveal something about you. Call your car a name like Dusty or Scrappy and you could end up having more accidents. Owners who dub their vehicles Flo or Daisy are likely to have scrapes and bumps, and drivers who call their cars Lightning or Linford are the “worst nightmare of the insurance industry”… at least, according to a new report. The RAC discovered that nearly half of all motorists believed their car has a gender – with 28% seeing their cars as female and 18% as male. The most popular boy names were Fred and Henry while Beth, Bess and Liz were the most popular girl names for cars. The report divided those who gave their cars a name into various categories. If you consider yourself “Rough and Ready,” you might call your car names like The Skip, Dusty, Bread Basket or Scrappy. Owners of these cars tend to be men in their 20’s who may speed. If you’re a girl that likes to have fun, your car might be named Flo, Daisy, Lily, Vicky, Betty or Lizzie. Drivers of these car names might be involved in low-speed scrapes and bumps through daydreaming. And if you have a need for speed, popular names for your cars might include Pocket Rocket, Lightning, Speedy and Linford. These are mostly owned by men under age 25. Their sole purpose of driving is to travel as fast as possible and to impress their mates. ***MARLAR: I wonder what it says about my personality that I’ve named my car Rusty…

LIFE… LIVE IT

That’s because one of the first things people do when they get stressed is eat stuff that’s bad for them. In other words, comfort food. Plus, people who are stressed out tend to smoke and drink more and blow off going to the gym, if they even went in the first place. To make matters worse, stress releases hormones and nerve chemicals into the body that weaken the immune system, making you more susceptible to illness. So, what can you do? Some tips include skipping coffee and snacks at break time and instead taking a quick walk to clear your head and to schedule those breaks as you would any other meeting. Cutting down on the caffeine, or eliminating it altogether will also help you sleep better and in turn reduce stress.

JUST FOR FUN

A couple of kids in Austria really made real, uh “behinds” of themselves.

Two broke into their school recently and wrote threats against teachers on the walls, drilled holes in floors, smeared ketchup on desks, destroyed gym equipment and smashed windows to the tune of about $10,000 in damages. To finalize their felicitation for the faculty, they photocopied their fannies and fastened facsimiles to the faculty fridge.  Anyway, the police enlarged the Xerox copies and were able to make out part of their faces in the background. Their headmaster immediately recognized them and they were arrested.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU’VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO

  • Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

  • The tongue depressors taste faintly like fudgesicles.

  • The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “An apple a day.”

  • Your “Primary Care Physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

  • With your last HMO, your pain killers didn’t come in different colors with little “M”s on them.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

NO CAFFEINE FOR MOMS-TO-BE

Women have long been warned not to drink alcohol while pregnant, and now it looks like you can add coffee to the list.

Researchers say that pregnant women who drink two or more cups of coffee a day have twice the risk of having a miscarriage as those who avoid caffeine. The warning also includes soda, although it would take five cans to equal the amount of caffeine as in two cups of coffee. There have been conflicting studies on this in the past, but they say this latest report should settle matters once and for all. They go on to say that women who are pregnant or are trying to have a baby should stop drinking coffee for at least three months or, better yet, throughout the entire pregnancy.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

People who drink three to four cups of coffee a day are more likely to see health benefits than harm, experiencing lower risks of premature death and heart disease than those who abstain. A team which collated the findings of more than 200 previous studies also found coffee consumption was linked to lower risks of diabetes, liver disease, dementia and some cancers. Three or four cups a day confer the greatest benefit, the scientists said, except for women who are pregnant or who have a higher risk of suffering fractures.
https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/three-coffees-day-linked-more-health-harm-scientists-say-n823586?cid=public-rss_20171126

A dog once banished from a library in New Zealand after a complaint from the public is now its new volunteer staff member. Quaker, a three-year-old German Shepherd, has had official status bestowed on her by animal control officers, and she is now a listening post for younger readers. The dog is part of a national literacy development service that involves children reading to dogs, which has been extended to Westport’s public library.
https://www.radionz.co.nz/news/national/344696/banned-dog-now-library-staff-member

The worst kind of co-worker is a prima donna, someone who feels he or she is entitled to undeserved preferential treatment — and this number of entitlement-minded employees is on the rise among younger workers. Who is a prima donna? This person is likely to take credit for good outcomes, but blame others when things go wrong. Prima donnas are not only less happy in their jobs, but also are apt to cause conflict in the workplace, especially with their supervisors, according to researchers at the University of New Hampshire and Florida State University. Younger workers, specifically “Generation Y” employees, who were born between the late 1970s and 2000, are more apt to be prima donnas. Why? Managers report that employees in this age group often have unrealistic expectations and a strong resistance toward accepting criticism.

Teens who watched just 21 extra minutes of TV daily were more likely to become depressed as young adults, compared with those who watched less, 2 hours and 38 minutes vs. 2 hours and 17 minutes, according to a recent study. Could it be a chicken and egg situation? Maybe, but researchers did exclude anyone who was depressed at the start. And really, limiting the amount of TV anyone watches is never a bad thing.

Yawning at work? Lack of sleep among working people is almost an epidemic. Nearly 60 percent of employees think they don’t get enough sleep, and 20 percent have actually called in sick just to catch up on sleep. That’s the word from CareerBuilder.com and the Harris Poll, which surveyed more than 3,200 workers nationwide across industries in the private sector. Perhaps the greatest consequence of our national sleep deficit is that a whopping 61 percent say their lack of sleep has a negative impact on the work they do. Forty-four percent of workers say thinking about work keeps them up at night. while eight hours may be the doctor-recommended amount of sleep time each night, only 16 percent of workers say they actually reach this goal. The majority of workers (63 percent) log an average of six to seven hours of sleep each night during the workweek, while one in five (21 percent) average five hours or less. Two in five workers (43 percent) have caught someone else sleeping at work. Sleep-deprivation doesn’t just hurt workers. It hurts business, too. Three in five workers (61 percent) say lack of sleep has had an impact on their work in some way, including the following:

  • It makes the day go by slower: 30 percent

  • It makes me less motivated: 27 percent

  • It makes me less productive: 24 percent

  • It affects my memory: 17 percent

  • It makes me crabby with co-workers: 13 percent

  • It takes me longer to complete tasks: 13 percent

  • It makes me make mistakes: 13 percent

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

This 19-year-old college baseball player was heartbroken over his grandma’s inability to watch his game – so instead of allowing her to miss it, he and his team brought the game to her.  Due to the chemotherapy and radiation treatments that Marilyn Seavers had endured to fight her stage IV lung cancer, she was too weak to leave the house for her grandson’s game in March.  Zach, who was very close with his grandma before she died, was determined for her to see him play in a college uniform.  “She was more than a grandma for me and my sister,” he told Belleville News-Democrat. “We were like friends. We’d go to movies together, she took me shopping for homecoming, we played a lot of pranks on each other … [and] whenever we had a game, she was there.”  The student then asked his teammates on the Lewis and Clark College baseball team if they would play a game in his grandma’s backyard.  Find out what happened by reading the rest of the story at https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/dying-grandma-was-too-sick-to-attend-so-college-baseball-team-took-the-game-to-her

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Crystal Tadlock may think twice before accepting anything from a Delta attendant again. Flying back from Paris, the Colorado woman accepted a free apple handed out by an attendant and stuffed it in her carry-on bag – only to discover at customs that the fruit would cost her $500. Tadlock said, “The customs agent asked me if my trip to France was expensive and I said, ‘yeah.’ Then he said ‘It’s about to get a lot more expensive after I charge you $500.'” She asked if she could toss the apple or eat it, but the agent said no. Tadlock added, “It’s really unfortunate someone has to go through that and be treated like a criminal over a piece of fruit.” She also lost her Global Entry Status. She blames Delta for handing out the fruit without warning, and says Customs should have cut her a break. Customs and Border Patrol responded by saying that “all agriculture items must be declared,” and a Delta spokesperson said “we encourage our customers to follow US Customs and Border Protection protocols.” For her part, Tadlock plans to fight the fine in court and says, “But once again, the apple is from Delta and I think that’s the most important part of this story.” (KDVR)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

This watch I have is a family heirloom. I value it so much because my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold it to me. –Wisecrack of Dawn

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 27, 2018…

Avengers: Infinity War—The blockbuster spring/summer season is starting early with this  comic book character-driven film.  Just about everyone who can hold a script and wear a costume is in the film, such as Karen Gillan, Elizabeth Olson, Josh Brolin (as Thanos the villain), Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) and Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. Plus, as they used to say in the old movie epics, “a cast of thousands.” Actually, now, computerization takes care of that.  The basic plot is that things have been going smoothly for the dynamic ones, until Thanos decides he wants all the Infinity Stones to rule the world, and away he goes. Then, the fate of Earth is in the hands of…you guessed it.  “Avengers: Infinity War” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Animal Crackers—An animated film about what happens when you are suddenly gifted (inheritance) a circus, but it turns out it is a broken-down circus. What to do? The usual ads are working, but suddenly, the new owner finds a box of “magic crackers” and finds he can become any animal he wants. Hmm. Voices of John Krasinki, Emily Blunt, Danny De Vito and Ian McKellan as the villain (and there always is one.) “Animal Crackers” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for circus fans.

I Feel Pretty—Amy Schumer stars in this film about an insecure woman who thinks no one sees her at all. After a fall, Amy wakes up thinking she is a beautiful woman and that now people will REALLY see her. Kind of like the “Emperor’s New Clothes.” Also in the cast are Michelle Will, Busy Phillips, Lauren Hutton and Tom Hopper. “I Feel Pretty” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MAY 04, 2018…

Overboard is a remake of the Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn film of clashing personalities. This one stars Anna Faris.

The Bad Samaritan has a thief discovering a drastic secret in one of the houses he chooses to rob. Stars David Tennant.

Son Of Bigfoot is an animated film of a teenager trying to find his father. Voice of Pappy Faulkner.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.