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Hey — we’re having a (TUESDAY) — and you’re all invited!
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” –Joshua 24:15 (NIV)
Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. — Hebrews 12:1
To all who received him, to those who believe in his name, he gave the right to become children of God — children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. — John 1:12-13
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. — Psalm 31:1
Thought: When all the clutter is stripped away, what is your real hope? When you push aside the diplomas, awards, accolades, and honors, what is the basis of your significance? Only one source for hope and only one basis of significance is trustworthy. Only One — the LORD God — endures forever! Only our Father in heaven guarantees that our life is significant. So let’s place our hope in the LORD and have him be our refuge!
Prayer: O LORD, God and Redeemer of our Fathers, Keeper of your many promises, thank you for allowing me to place my hope, my future, and my significance in your hands. Give me the courage and the confidence to know that you will not let me be put to shame, but will share with me your righteousness on that day I stand in your presence. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Romans 8:1 NIV = therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
TODAY IS TUESDAY – AUGUST 01, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 145 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
This is G.I. JOE DAY. In 1964 Hasbro Toys introduced GI Joe, an 11½-inch “action figure” that sold for $4.00. The doll was inspired by the 1945 Robert Mitchum movie, The Story of GI Joe. ***They were realistic too! As they aged, their hair began to fall out. At least mine did.
Today is RESPECT FOR PARENTS DAY. ***The bible says you’ll live longer if you do!
MTV DAY. In 1981 MTV (Music Television) debuted in some two million homes. ***Ironically, the first music video on MTV was “Video Killed the Radio Star” by The Buggles. Yet radio lives on, and videos on MTV have been killed.
Today is WORLD WIDE WEB DAY, marking the birth of the World Wide Web in August 1990 at the Europe Laboratory for Particle Physics in Switzerland. Tim Berners-Lee and Robert Cailliau developed a prototype Web browser and introduced HTML – which stands for “Hypertext Markup Language.” ***And at 2:06pm that same afternoon it was the very first sending of spam.
SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE WEEK begins today. ***Which computers and the internet were supposed to do for us… obviously that didn’t happen. No need getting upset about it though, because…
August is HAPPINESS HAPPENS MONTH, sponsored by the Secret Society of Happy People in Coppell, Texas. ***How SECRET can you be if you tell everybody what city your secret society is in, what it’s called, and you’re publicly sponsoring an entire month telling people to be happy?
TODAY IS ALSO…
National Minority Donor Awareness Day
National Night Out
Respect For Parents
Rounds Resounding Day
US Air Force Day
World Lung Cancer Day
World Wide Web Day
World Scout Scarf Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 02
Earth Over Shoot Day or Ecological Debt Day
International Albarino Day
National Coloring Book Day
Take A Penny/Leave A Penny Day
THURSDAY, AUGUST 03
India Pale Ale Beer Day
FRIDAY, AUGUST 04
SATURDAY, AUGUST 05
SUNDAY, AUGUST 06
MONDAY, AUGUST 07
Assistance Dog Day
National Psychic Day
Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
Professional Speakers Day
Purple Heart Day
TUESDAY, AUGUST 08
International Cat Day
The Date to Create
Happiness Happens Day
Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
ON THIS DAY
1790: The first U.S. census was completed, showing a population of just under 4 million people.
1927: In a vacant hat warehouse in Bristol on the Tennessee-Virginia border, the Carter Family, A.P., Sara, and Maybelle, recorded their first song for the Victor Talking Machine Company. Later the same week, the Singing Brakeman Jimmie Rodgers recorded his first song in the same warehouse. Commercial country music was born.
1957: Jerry Garcia’s mom gave him an accordion for his 15th birthday. He hocked it and bought a guitar.
1960: Parkway Records released single #811: Chubby Checker’s “The Twist.”
1964: Hasbro Toys introduced GI Joe, an 11½-inch “action figure” that sold for $4.00. The doll was inspired by the 1945 Robert Mitchum movie, “The Story of GI Joe.”
1973: The movie “American Graffiti” opened nationwide. It starred Ron Howard, Candy Clark, Richard Dreyfuss, Harrison Ford, Cindy Williams, McKenzie Phillips, Susan Richardson, and Herby & The Heartbeats.
1981: MTV debuted in some two million homes. The first music video was “Video Killed the Radio Star” by The Buggles.
1988: Rush Limbaugh began his syndicated radio show with 56 stations. Today more than 600 stations carry Rush’s political commentary.
1994: Lisa Marie Presley confirmed rumors that she had married pop star Michael Jackson on May 26 in the Dominican Republic. The couple divorced less than two years later.
1995: British newspapers announced that London residents could now purchase lawn and garden insurance against damage by moles, squirrels, and rabbits. The new policy would cost $28.00 a year.
1996: Two Swedish cats in Stockholm caused $45-thousand worth of damage after flooding their owner’s home while locked in the bathroom. Roger Sjoberg said he always locked the cats in the bathroom to keep them from tearing up the place.
1998: Scott Gehrke and Lorrie Kilgore married above Perris, California, in a 55-second ceremony. The Rev. Rick Lemons officiated as the trio parachuted from 13,000 feet. The groom said the couple fell for each other and decided to take the ultimate plunge into matrimony.
2002: Pizza dough spread across Chippewa County, Wisconsin, after hot weather caused yeast to rise and pop open the back of a Tombstone delivery truck. The truck driver didn’t notice for 25 to 30 miles. Police said it “was quite a mess.” Workers removed as much dough as they could, but some stuck to the asphalt.
2004: Alexandra Scott, a young cancer patient who started a lemonade stand to raise money for cancer research, sparking a nationwide fund-raising campaign, died at her home in Wynnewood, Pennsylvania, at age 8.
2005: Bypassing U.S. Senate opposition with a recess appointment, U.S. President George W. Bush named John Bolton to be the United States envoy to the United Nations.
2006: A 6-year-old Doberman guard dog named Barney went berserk at a London children’s museum and ripped apart a collection of rare teddy bears, including one once owned by Elvis Presley. Barney ripped the head off Mabel, Elvis’ brown stuffed bear, leaving fluffy stuffing on the museum floor. Mabel was made in 1909 by the German manufacturer Steiff. The bear collection was worth $900,000. Mabel had been loaned to the museum by an English collector. No word on what happened to Barney. (Probably in rehab).
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1714: The “Schism Bill,” which was intended to reestablish Catholicism in England, dies with its chief supporter, Queen Anne. For years, Dissenters regarded the date as a day of deliverance, the “Protestant Passover.”
1779: Francis Scott Key, author of “The Star-Spangled Banner” and a devout Episcopalian who helped establish the American Sunday School Union, is born.
1834: The first Protestant missionary to China, Robert Morrison, dies at age 52. The Englishman’s translation of the Bible, completed in 1823, filled 23 volumes.
1897: Pope Leo XIII issues the encyclical Militantis Ecclesiae, which describes Protestantism as the “Lutheran rebellion, whose evil virus goes wandering about in almost all nations.”
Actress (North, Die Hard) Taylor Fry 35
Actress (“The Cosby Show’s” Vanessa Huxtable) Tempestt Bledsoe, 43 (audio clip)
Actor (Soapdish, Born on the Fourth of July) Rob Camilletti, 52
Actor (The Good Girl, Drew’s brother Steve on “The Drew Carey Show”) John Carroll Lynch, 53 (audio clip)
cartoonist Tom Wilson (“Ziggy”) 83
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1779 : Francis Scott Key
1942 : Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
1946 : Boz Burrell (Bad Company)
1947 : Rick Coonce (The Grass Roots)
1947 : Rick Anderson (The Tubes)
1951 : Tommy Bolin
1951 : Tim Bachman (Bachman-Turner Overdrive)
1953 : Robert Cray
1958 : Michael Penn
1959 : Joe Elliot (Def Leppard)
1960 : Suzi Gardner (L7)
1960 : Chuck D (Public Enemy)
1963 : Coolio
1964 : Adam Duritz (Counting Crows)
1981 : Ashley Angel (O-Town)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
How can scientists investigate life’s origin when it supposedly occurred so long ago?
It’s a big problem. Think about this–in 1995 there was a murder trial involving a famous athlete that went on for many months. If lawyers and the forensic scientists had such a hard time trying to reconstruct an event that occurred just months earlier, how can scientists ever reconstruct what happened supposedly millions or billions of years ago? Do creationists and evolutionists argue about photosynthesis, how a computer works, or how to put up a space shuttle? No, they don’t disagree about those things. But do they argue about origins? Most definitely! So what’s the difference? Current technology deals with what we can observe in the present. But, when it comes to origins and the past, this is outside real science because we don’t have the past with us! In Genesis, though, we have a record of a witness who has been there in the past when it was all created… and that is the basis for TRUE science. Observation.
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NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Ever get into an argument while playing a card game or board game? A 31-year-old Minnesota man has been charged with stabbing another guy — and hitting him with a mallet — after an argument broke out during a game of Magic: The Gathering. ***First he lost his mind (+1). Then he lost his friend (-2). And finally, he lost his freedom (-6).
A new app called “The Kissenger” is a rubber gadget that attaches to the user’s phone to simulate long distance kissing. With your lover smooching you from another location, the Kissenger mimics a real kiss using pressure sensors and actuators. ***Now you can tell someone to “kiss my grits” from across the country and still mean it literally!
The Cowboys’ David Irving says he injured his nipple when he lost a nipple ring at camp. ***But then it’s hard to feel sorry for a man who has a nipple ring.
A young British couple has gone public with details of their very strange relationship. Adam Gillet, 27 and partner Beatrice Gibbs, 22, say their one-sided open relationship makes them happy and they’re not concerned with what others think. Basically, she can sleep with other men but he has to remain faithful – on the condition that she doesn’t leave him. Beatrice explained, “I love Adam, but I wasn’t ready to settle down and commit to just one man.” He, on the other hand, was terrified she’d leave him so would rather allow her to have the occasional fling than have to worry about losing her. Beatrice says she sometimes feels a little guilty about seeing other people, but after a chat and a cuddle with Adam things quickly get back to normal. She keeps things purely physical with other guys and Adam says the arrangement takes away the worry of her cheating on him. ***Uh, no… she IS cheating on you… sleeping with other people while committed to you is the definition of cheating. Saying it’s not cheating doesn’t make it not cheating. I can call a chicken sandwich a celery stick all day long – that doesn’t make it anything other than a chicken sandwich.
In Nice, France over the weekend, an airport worker reportedly punched a man holding a baby after the man complained about a 13-hour delay on an EasyJet flight. ***EasyJet? I would’ve bet money this story took place on United Airlines.
Elementary school students in Marion County, Florida, will have more free time after school this year as the school district implements a controversial “homework ban.” ***The goal is to eventually make Florida’s main export “fast food workers.”
Starbucks is starting to sell their own brand of ice cream at 100 of their locations in the U.S. ***It’s just like regular ice cream, except it tastes a little burned and is four times more expensive.
Grandparents and their faraway grandkids are sure keeping the conversation going, thanks to modern technology. About 80 percent of grandparents reach out and touch their grandkids at least once a month via texting, Facebook, Skype, Twitter, instant messaging or good old-fashioned phones, says an AARP survey. While gabbing up a storm, the top topics discussed include morals and values 78 percent of the time, staying safe at 73 percent, college and careers at 72 percent, and religion and spirituality 66 percent of the time. And it is not that grannies or grandpas are bypassing their own kids; 84 percent of them say they contact their children at least once a month. ***But let’s face it – that is probably to talk about the grandkids.
Stephen Colbert is going to produce a cartoon series for Showtime about the Trump White House. ***Apparently he can’t fit all of his Trump bashing into his one-hour-every-weeknight show and need to find another outlet.
A report says the obesity epidemic is affecting 711 Million people worldwide. ***7-11… there’s that number again. Who’s in the mood for a Slurpee and a hotdog?
Arizona has a new concept regarding executions – an idea one lethal injection expert calls “unprecedented, wholly novel and frankly absurd.” The Arizona Department of Corrections has had a lot of problems acquiring the standard execution drugs pentobarbital and thiopental so they’re suggesting that lawyers provide the drugs to be used to kill their own clients! Not only is this obviously unethical, but the plan is simply legally impossible. The makers of pentobarbital won’t allow the drug to be used in executions, and thiopental isn’t sold in the US and can’t be imported. One assistant federal public defender said, “It is hard to comprehend what the ADC was thinking in including this nonsensical, unprecedented provision as part of its execution procedures. If the state wants to have the death penalty, it has the duty to figure out how to do it constitutionally. The state cannot pass its obligation on to the condemned prisoner.” ***You’re all acting as if lethal injection is the only way to kill somebody. There are other options that are a lot easier to execute someone… shooting squad, hanging, guillotine, binge-watching “The View”…
A couple in Florida have announced their Trump divorce. She was a devout supporter, he was a staunch Democrat and after less than 2 years, it just wasn’t working. ***This shouldn’t be a big surprise. House Republicans and Democrats never get along.
A new study says that 42% of millennials have NOT started saving for their retirement. ***I only have one question – what is this mysterious word, “retirement”?
Ohio firefighters rescued a 45-year-old woman in Sheffield Lake who called 911 after a boa constrictor wrapped around her neck and began biting her face. The giant reptile was one of two snakes she had rescued the day before, though police haven’t said how or where. Audio of the 3-minute, 50-second 911 call features the woman crying, “I have a boa constrictor stuck to my face. … There’s blood everywhere. … He’s got my nose.” Firefighters found the woman lying in the driveway of her home with the 5-foot-long snake wrapped around her neck and biting her nose. A firefighter used a pocketknife to cut off the snake’s head. The woman was taken to a hospital for apparent non-life-threatening injuries. The woman had 11 snakes, including nine ball pythons and the boa constrictors. ***Eleven snakes? The only way this story makes sense is if this woman is named Medusa.
A study finds that blowing out birthday cake candles is a horrible way to treat your friends at your party since it spreads a tremendous number of germs. ***But, then again, maybe your secret birthday wish is to spread the flu around.
Coke Zero is getting a new name: Coke Zero Sugar. ***That’s right – it’s “New & Improved” because we’ve added the word “Sugar” to the name!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Even when healthy, some people religiously head to the doctor every year for a physical exam, which is often covered by health insurance. But a review from Danish researchers concludes there is little benefit to such routine exams on healthy people. The researchers analyzed information from 183,000 people who took part in 14 trials carried out in Europe and the United States. In all the trials, participants were randomly assigned to either receive a routine health check — involving screening tests, a physical exam, or advice about lifestyle changes — or not receive one. Results showed patients who received routine health checks were just as likely to die over a nine-year period compared with those who did not receive health checks. ***Wait a minute… regardless of what I do, I’m likely to die in the next nine years? How come nobody is reporting THAT?!?!?
Recent research suggests that your computer keyboard may be dirtier than a toilet seat. ***They’ve obviously never seen my bathroom.
Smooth or hairy? If given the choice, women love smooth. Researchers asked women to compare the attractiveness of men before and after shaving their chest. The majority of women loved a smooth chest, while only 20% wanted the “Magnum P.I.” look. ***In a reversal study, 100% of men said that when it comes to hairy or smooth, they prefer women with smooth chests.
There is now a new way to keep from spreading germs. Inventor Joseph Apisa of New Jersey has patented a sneeze catcher. The devise goes on your arm like a sleeve or an arm band and includes a mesh opening with an antibacterial pad that captures and destroys the bacteria you exhale during the sneeze. ***It’s perfect people who want to protect those around them and also have no concept whatsoever about fashion sense.
Smoking dead scorpions is something people are doing in one part of Pakistan. The arachnid’s venom, when inhaled, produces hallucinations. It also causes memory loss. But to one 74-year-old, this new fad is old news. Khyber Pakhtunkhwa says he’s been smoking dead scorpions since the mid-‘60s. ***At least he thinks he has. It’s hard to tell with the memory loss.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
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OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
Last time, Gruffy Bear was so caught up with his bowling skills during a tournament that he kept canceling his checkers game with Sully. In fact, he’s even waved it off as unimportant and told Sully to play with Nozzles the Elephant instead… Nozzles the elephant?
CLOSE: So Gruffy isn’t on the bowling team anymore… but he told Sully to play checkers with Nozzles the Elephant. Looks like breaking promises is catching up to Gruffy. Can he mend his friendship with Sully? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
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MOMENT OF DUH
Two guys wanting to celebrate Independence Day end up celebrating a Moment of Duh instead!
Independence Day might be over, but the stories of true inDUHvidualism involving fireworks is far from over! From Chicago, Illinois comes today’s Moment of Duh, with James Kowalski and Josh Fineman wanting to celebrate the Fourth of July. These two guys weren’t willing to pay the high prices for fireworks though, so they decided to make some of their own. They filled 10 small balloons with explosive acetylene gas and planned to ignite them at a party later in the day. Loading up their car to head to the party they threw the balloons in the back and slammed the door. A spark ignited the balloons, blowing up the car and throwing James and Josh several feet. Fortunately, they suffered only minor cuts and burns, can’t say the same for their car though.
TOP TEN UPGRADES FOR WHATEVER IS TAKING OVER IN PLACE OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE
10. Fondu Set in docking area (for impromptu parties at the International Space Station).
9. Replaced that one funny-shaped doohickey that nobody knew what it was for.
8. Cup holders that work in zero G.
7. Beaded seat cushions.
6. Removal of the unpopular “power windows” option.
5. Spoiler and chrome exhaust tips!
4. Stick shift.
3. Fuzzy dice.
2. Espresso machine.
1. A thumpin’ stereo and spinners on the landing gear.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man is summoned into court for the third time in three months… yet he never shows up. It may have something to do with the fact that he’s dead.
FILE #1: John Boorey was arrested after getting into a loud altercation with his girlfriend and her mother over an e-mail his girlfriend supposedly sent to another man. John was hauled off to jail and was released a short time later after posting $1000 bail. Conditions of his release included the stipulation that he not have any contact with his girlfriend or her family. He was absolutely, positively forbidden to get in touch with them. On the way out of the courthouse Mr. Boorey stopped at a pay phone and placed a brief call before heading out of the building. Of course, you know who he called. His girlfriend. Collect. She didn’t take the call but she did call the cops who arrested John Boorey (or should I say, “John Bozo”?) before he made his way out of the courthouse parking lot.
FILE #2: Raymond Green was charged with breaking and entering even though he didn’t steal anything. Apparently, Raymond had a friend who wanted to have his head shaved. For some reason, he didn’t feel that his own living room was the right place to do the job, he decided that his friend’s head could be better shaved on the front porch of a nearby house. Only one problem–it was dark. So Raymond simply let himself into the house to turn on the porch light. Unfortunately for him the residents were home at the time and they called the cops. No word on whether the buddy ever got his head shaved.
FILE #3: Vince is a large Rottweiler guard dog at a factory in Melbourne, Australia. One night, career criminal Jeff Sutherly broke into the factory, and when confronted by vicious Vince, the crook began speaking affectionately to the pooch… and it worked. The dog not only let the guy steal 30-thousand dollars worth of stuff, but it also followed Jeff back to his hideout. When police finally caught up with the crook, they found him in bed with his new best friend, Vince, at his feet.
STRANGE LAW: In Baltimore, Maryland, it’s illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
Can you be arrested for driving under the influence even if your car’s engine wasn’t on? Apparently so, in Indiana!
Two women who took turns steering a broken-down vehicle face drunk driving charges after their slow-moving car crashed into a parked car. Kaylyn Kezy of Gary, Indiana, was pushing the disabled car, while Melissa Fredenburg steered from the passenger seat. The two were moving the car into a parking lot at a nearby motel when spotted by police. Both women had blood-alcohol levels of 0.17 percent, more than twice the state’s legal limit to drive. Authorities said the women were operating the vehicle while intoxicated – even though the car’s engine wasn’t working. A prosecutor acknowledged the charges could be difficult to prosecute in court. According to Deputy Prosecutor Adam Burroughs, who authorized the charges, “The statute and case law supports (a DUI charge) … but it will be interesting to see.” Burroughs said that the office had prosecuted drunken drivers who were stopped in restaurant drive-through lanes or who were on private property. Bicycles and motorized wheelchairs are about the only vehicles in which a person would be unlikely to face a drunken-driving charge, he said.
Do you think that your husband “really” listens to you when you speak? Rest assured that he does – it just doesn’t “look like he is”. Research has proven that when women listen to other women speak, they use an average of six expressions within 10 seconds to reflect and feed back the feelings of the person talking to them – basically mirroring the emotions being expressed by the speaker. On the other hand, men remain impassive while listening, so as not to betray emotions. And that typically answers why a woman will frequently accuse a man of not listening. Ladies, do you really “buy” this explanation or do you think that your husband really just ignores you?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What nation saw 185,000 of its soldiers slaughtered by an angel of the Lord?
ANSWER: Assyria (2 Kings 19:35)
QUESTION: How many words in the English language contain the vowels A, E, I, O, U in their proper order?
ANSWER: Five… and they are facetious, abstemious, abstentious, arsenious and arteriosus.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Fingernails grow nearly twice as fast as toenails. (False – they grow four times faster)
2. In England, in the 1880’s, “Pants” was considered a dirty word. (True)
3. The average person laughs 5 times a day. (False – fifteen)
4. Female dog bites are twice as numerous as bites inflicted by male dogs. (True)
5. A cow spends 18 hours a day chewing. (True)
6. In the military, when soldiers refer to a “klick,” they’re talking about one kilometer. (True – or .62 of a mile)
7. Mozart wrote the music for the song “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star”. (True – and he wrote it when he was just five years old)
8. Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of women’s feet. (True)
9. The Empire State Building sways in the wind. (True. During a severe windstorm or rainstorm the Empire State Building may sway several feet to either side.)
10. The estimated weight of the Great Pyramid of Egypt is 6,648,000 tons. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
________ BRAINS ARE SHRINKING AT AN ALARMING RATE (HUMAN)
Scientists were startled to discover that human brains, for some unknown reason, are shrinking!
Human brains shrink as people grow old, unlike even our closest animal relative, says a new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences that highlights what researchers call the unique character of human aging.
BUT, the most alarming finding of the study is that human brains are 17% smaller than they were even back in 1930.
“We already knew that human brains shrink as they age, but when we compared brains from today with brains from the 1930s, 1960s and 1990s, we noticed an alarming trend – human brains are shrinking.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
The fellow had recently succumbed to promotions for satellite TV, which advertised non-stop sport day and night. It was to be expected, however, that his wife did not share his enthusiasm.
One evening she could take it no longer and confronted her husband: “It’s like this every day,” said she. “It’s true–you love football more than you love me.”
Such a cosmic question was new to the man, and several moments’ reflection was in order. “Why, yes, I do,” he said. “But I can sincerely say,” he continued thoughtfully, “that I love you more than baseball …”
A man was driving down a country road when he saw a baby pig along side the road. He stopped and picked it up and headed home to the city with his new found pet. As the man drove home, the piglet jumped up on the shelf in the back window and paced back and forth – creating quite a distraction for passing motorists.
After entering the city limits, a cop saw this pulled the car over.
“Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?”, the cop asked
The driver replied, “Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field so I thought he’d make a great pet.”
The cop responded, “I want you to take that pig to the zoo!”
The driver agreed and drove off.
The next day the cop saw the guy driving around with the pig in the back window again and pulled him over.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!!” he yelled.
“Well, I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now.”
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and upon seeing the numerous gold bars Peter exclaims, “You could bring anything you wanted to Heaven – and you brought pavement?!!!”
A restaurant in China once paid $75,000 for a giant golden tiger fish because it’s believed to be good luck. ***The fish died during transport.
Teflon was discovered in 1938. ***I’m not sure you can stick with that fact though.
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.
“How much do you weigh?” she asks.
“Oh, about 165.” he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?”
“Oh, about six feet,” he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he’s only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it’s very high.
“High!” The man explains, “Of course it’s high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I’m short and fat!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
BREAK A LEG
Stand up comedy may be fun to watch, but it’s considered one of the toughest jobs on the planet – and in once case it caused a broken ankle for the performer!
In the United Kingdom, comedian Mark Olver brought a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘Break a Leg’ when he took to the stage in a Bristol comedy club. Within just 15 seconds of taking hold of the mic at Jesters, his left knee gave way and, as he collapsed in a heap, he broke his ankle. The audience thought it was all part of the act. The 28-year-old, who has been a stand-up comic for four years, continued telling jokes as he lay on the floor unable to move and lapsing in and out of consciousness with the pain from his dislocated knee. It was only when paramedics arrived on the scene about 20 minutes later that the audience began to realize the fall hadn’t been planned as part of the performance. Mark said: “I was in a lot of pain, but managed to do about 15 minutes of material while on the floor, passing out every now and then because of the pain, and then coming round to do the punchline.” He got a standing ovation on his way out. Or so he was told — he was basically passed out by that time.
THE ROBBERS REPENT
by J. H. Zachary
Every week Pastor Karro Rao gathered the tithes and offerings from the churches of his district in southwestern Papua New Guinea to take to the mission office. The week’s offerings usually amounted to close to 3,000 kinars (U.S. $1,500).
As he made his way along the narrow path, a bamboo pole suddenly fell across his pathway, and four robbers surrounded him. One wielded a knife; another, a homemade gun. “Are you carrying money?” they asked.
“Yes,” the pastor answered truthfully.
“Then hand it over,” one man ordered.
“I can do that” the pastor answered. “But you must know that this money does not belong to me. I am a pastor. This money was given by my church members for the work of God. I have five kinars of my own money that I will give to you, but I urge you to not touch God’s money.”
“Give us all of the money!” the robbers ordered threateningly.
Pastor Rao gave the bandits all the money he was carrying. After the bandits disappeared, Pastor Rao hurried to a telephone and called the mission office to report the theft. Then he asked the office staff to pray
that God would help get the money back. Six days later Pastor Rao was walking along the same pathway when a bamboo pole again dropped across the path in front of him.
This time the pole had a plastic bag attached to it. It was his money bag. Before he could retrieve the bag, the same four criminals surrounded him. “Please take this money and give it for God’s work,” one man said.
Curious, the pastor asked, “What happened to change your mind?”
“We wanted to buy some beer and get drunk. But when we tried to open the bag of money, our hands began to shake so violently that we could not open it.”
Pastor Rao answered, “Thank God! He loves you so much, and He has a better life planned for you. I am sure that you do not want to spend the
rest of your life hurting people.”
Pastor Rao developed a friendship with these men, and within a few months one of them was baptized. The others are still preparing to experience that better life that pastor Rao has promised them.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: 1 Corinthians 9:24-27
Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us. —Hebrews 12:1
In 1845, the ill-fated Franklin Expedition sailed from England to find a passage across the Arctic Ocean.
The crew loaded their two sailing ships with a lot of things they didn’t need: a 1,200-volume library, fine china, crystal goblets, and sterling silverware for each officer with his initials engraved on the handles. Amazingly, each ship took only a 12-day supply of coal for their auxiliary steam engines.
The ships became trapped in vast frozen plains of ice. After several months, Lord Franklin died. The men decided to trek to safety in small groups, but none of them survived.
One story is especially heartbreaking. Two officers pulled a large sled more than 65 miles across the treacherous ice. When rescuers found their bodies, they discovered that the sled was filled with table silver.
Those men contributed to their own demise by carrying what they didn’t need. But don’t we sometimes do the same? Don’t we drag baggage through life that we don’t need? Evil thoughts that hinder us. Bad habits that drag us down. Grudges that we won’t let go.
Let’s determine to “lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us” (Hebrews 12:1). —Dave Egner
The world has lost its transient lure—
Its evil spell I shun;
I’ve set my course for higher things
Till earth’s brief race is run. —Bosch
Keep out of your life anything that would crowd Christ out of your heart.
How much do you love your favorite restaurant? Enough to have it permanently inked on your body?
Peter Johnson loves the All In One restaurant in Brighton, England. A lot. He not only eats there five days a week, he had the restaurant’s name and phone number tattooed on his forehead. All In One’s owner Nasser Bandar says he doesn’t give Johnson free food, “because he did it on his own free will. But whenever he comes in, he’ll go straight to the front of the queue.” Johnson says the tattoo is no big deal. “Some people, including my family, think I am crazy. But I like tattoos, so why not?” ***MARLAR: Maybe because someday they might change their phone number?
LIFE… LIVE IT
Where You Live Affects Your Blood Pressure!
Researchers have discovered that people who live in neighborhoods with more opportunities for exercise and better grocery stores had a lower risk of having high blood pressure. The findings found that income and education level didn’t have as much to do with blood pressure as environment. Walkable streets, recreational areas and better access to healthy foods may make it easier for people to exercise and maintain a healthy diet, researchers at the University of Michigan said. Stress may also play a role. Living conditions that make it hard for people to relax and recover from life’s daily stresses might contribute to blood pressure problems.
JUST FOR FUN
Just because you’re receiving free books for libraries does not mean those books are worthy of being received.
When the Tennessee-based Cracker Barrel restaurant chain ran a promotion to give free books to libraries, customers thought it was a great idea. The libraries were a little less enthusiastic. The Gilbert, Ariz., library, for instance, wasn’t sure what to do with the 11,796 copies of the same preschool book, 1,000 copies of “Quick and Easy Pasta” and 200 copies of “How To Use Microsoft Windows 95” it received. “We can find a creative way of doing something with the children’s books,” said county library director Harry Courtright, “but Windows 95 is of no value to anybody.” The restaurant chain said it did not get a chance to review the titles. It didn’t say what it would do to make up for the useless gifts. (Arizona Republic) ***MARLAR: Maybe the library can send the Cracker Barrel a few hundred copies of “Promotions for Dummies.”
LAWS OF COMPUTING
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
If one of your excuses for not going to the gym is that weight lifting and treadmills are boring, it looks like you’ll have to come up with a new way to weasel out of it.
…Now that they have to compete with dance studios and adult sports leagues, gyms are coming up with creative new ways to get fit. Classes like “Karaoke Spin,” “Pogo Bootcamp,” and “Stiletto Strength,” are among the latest gym crazes. Among the benefits of taking different classes is that you work muscles that may not get a regular workout and help you avoid the so-called ‘plateau’ that people get when they do the same workout over and over. Plus, working out with others builds camaraderie, making it easier to stick with it. ***MARLAR: But for me personally, I don’t work out because it makes me tired.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Don’t burn the toast and then eat it! Eating burnt toast, over-roasted potatoes and other starchy foods that are cooked at high temperatures can increase your risk of developing cancer, according to the Food Standards Agency in the United Kingdom. The culprit is “acrylamide,” which is what causes bread and potatoes to turn a golden brown when they are fried, baked, toasted or roasted. And that golden brown color is fine. The problem occurs when they are overcooked so the toast is burnt and the potatoes are a dark brown or even black and crunchy. Many animal studies have proven the link between acrylamide and cancer, although it has never been proven in humans. But do note that doesn’t mean there is no risk. It is impossible to expose people on purpose to acrylamide to test the outcome. It’s important to understand that toast and baked potatoes will not give you cancer as long as they are properly prepared. Follow the “golden rule” in this case. Gold, not brown or black, should be your cooking guide.
Here is a dirty little secret about mind-numbing, boring tasks we do at work: We won’t admit it, but we love them. Completing unchallenging tasks gives us such a sense of accomplishment that this kind of work actually makes us happy, according to researchers from the University of California, Irvine and Microsoft Research. “With rote work, you get a feeling of accomplishment, but you haven’t exerted a lot of mental activity,” study leader Gloria Mark told the Wall Street Journal. “It gives you a feeling of fulfillment, but there’s no frustration or stress.”
When your dog does her series of three tricks — rolls over, shakes and speaks — in perfect succession, would she rather have a doggie treat or praise from you? Given the choice, many dogs actually prefer praise over food, according to researchers from Emory University in Atlanta. Dogs were at the center of the most famous experiments of classical conditioning, conducted by Ivan Pavlov in the early 1900s. Pavlov showed that if dogs are trained to associate a particular stimulus with food, the animals salivate in the mere presence of the stimulus in anticipation of the food. “One theory about dogs is that they are primarily Pavlovian machines: They just want food, and their owners are simply the means to get it,” said lead study author and neuroscientist Gregory Berns. “Another, more current, view of their behavior is that dogs value human contact in and of itself.” A study found that most preferred praise from their owners over food, or they appeared to like both equally. Only two of the dogs were real chowhounds, showing a strong preference for the food.
Researchers at the University of Utah have noted that humor is one of the best ways to bring a fighting couple back together again. Laughter does two key things: It breaks the tension, and it is a reminder that you two have common ground, since you are both chuckling over the same thing. After a throw down, text him a link to a goofy YouTube clip with a message like “This made me feel better; hope it does the same for you.”
Blame it on your mother. And father. And for that matter, your grandparents. If you hate to exercise, it could be in your genes. Specifically, genes that modulate the dopamine (a feel-good chemical) in the brain appear to play a role in our propensity to embrace or avoid exercise, according to researchers from the University of Georgia. You just have to look at any group of people to know that some exercise frequently, while others prefer the couch. Now it appears that the part of the brain that drives rewards and the part of the brain that drives the motor system are interacting, causing some of us to want to run a marathon and leading others to binge watch “Game of Thrones.” Translation: Gym rats get a rush from working out as dopamine levels soar, while couch potatoes appear to have a genetic makeup that interferes with the release of dopamine. ***Thanks a lot, Grandma!
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I believe the President of Wal-Mart doesn’t buy his suits at Wal-Mart.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JULY 28, 2017…
Atomic Blonde—When Charlize Theron dives into a role, she really does it. The actress trained for hours a day for months getting the stunts right. This film concerns a British female spy in the 1980’s who is supposed to gather information to help bust a spy ring in Berlin. With all the action here—and watch those deadly spike heels—Theron goes into battle as Lorraine Broughton. She is in Berlin, just before the big crack in The Wall. The plot is adapted from the graphic novel by Anthony Johnston and Sam Hart called “The Coldest City.” James McAvoy plays Lorraine’s contact, while Sofia Boutella (“Star Trek: Beyond”) is a French agent. Director David Leitch was once a stunt double for Brad Pitt and directed “Captain America: Civil War.“ “Atomic Blonde” has action sequences that go on longer than what is usual in an action film. Plus, there is a rocking soundtrack. Fasten your seat belts. “Atomic Blonde” is rated R and is an adult movie. Rating of 2 for fans of the genre.
An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power (documentary)—The first “Inconvenient Truth” documentary with Al Gore won an Academy Award in 2006. Now, we have an update on the situation. From melting icebergs to typhoon victims, the audience see what is happening to the world as the climate slowly warms up. What can be done? Gore knows. “An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power” stars Al Gore. Rated PG 13. No rating.
The Emoji Movie—The little creatures that seems to decorate everything in cyber land now have their own animated film. The theme of the movie is that one emoji thinks he is imperfect because he can’t express emotion. What to do? Voices of T. J. Miller, Patrick Stewart and James Corden. “The Emoji Movie” is rated PG. No rating.
From The Land Of The Moon (opening in select cities)—is French films starring Marion Cotillard. She goes into an arranged marriage to a land owner in Spain only to fall for a war veteran (Louis Garret.) What to do? “From The Land Of The Moon” is rated R. No rating.
The Incredible Jessica James (opening in select cities)—In this romance, a woman who writes plays (Jessica Williams) falls for Chris O’Dowd who has recently been divorced. Will this work out? The story is set in New York. “The Incredible Jessica James” is rated PG 13. No rating.
AUGUST 04, 2017…
The Dark Tower is adapted from the Stephen King books and stars Matthew McConaughey and Idris Elba.
Detroit is directed by Kathryn Bigelow and is centered on the Detroit Riots. Stars Anthony Mackie.
Ingrid Goes West has Aubrey Plaza befriending someone on Instagram. It had to happen.
Wind River concerns an Indian Reservation murder. Stars Jeremy Renner.
Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature continues the animated adventures of the little creatures and voiced by Will Arnett.
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