August 02, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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***LIFE LINES – FREE TO AIR!

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (To receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show without the sponsor, please contact me!)

Daily Dose of Weird News2ONAIRprep is now offering FREE OF CHARGE a sponsor-free customized Daily Dose of Weird News – tagged with your station or show info! Just email darren@onairprep.com (use the subject line “Customized DDWN”) with your ONAIRprep username, station call letters, and then the verbiage you want used at the end of each episode! EXAMPLE: “For Daily Dose of Weird News, I’m Darren Marlar and this is your station for Positive Hit Music and Johnny Jock in the mornings – 109.9, THE MIX!” A dry version of the news is also available if you want to produce your own version! Dry version and customized cuts available via FTP. Login info below to get set up:
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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160802

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

We’re creating a (JOCK SHOW) fan club.  Actually, it’s a “fan of the month” club.  I’m allowed 12 fans a year.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  –1 John 4:7

Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. — Jeremiah 32:17

Teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. — Titus 2:3

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. — Luke 6:28

Thought: Outside the example of Jesus, this command makes no sense at all. But, Jesus shows us the importance of leaving our destiny in the hands of our Creator and Father. Suddenly, this makes perfect sense. What is the best way to defeat an enemy? Certainly it’s not to beat or kill that person. No, the way we defeat our enemies is by having Jesus’ grace capture their hearts and having their character conform to that of our King!

Prayer: Loving and gracious God, please soften my heart and toughen my resolve so that I can love as Jesus loved. Make my life redemptive, even to those who oppose, abhor, ridicule, and hate me. Use me, dear Father, to bring others to the grace of Jesus. In his name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:2 NIV = “…because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”

TODAY IS TUESDAY – AUGUST 02, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
44 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is MAKE SOME OLD-FASHIONED LEMONADE DAY, squeezing real lemons and using real sugar and real water.  ***MARLAR: When I was growing up I thought lemonade was made by just adding water.  Go figure. And why do they use artificial lemon flavoring with the lemonade mixes, but use real lemons for cleaning products?  Now if I want an authentic lemonade I have to use a twist of Mop-n-Glow!

Today is HUG A DEEJAY DAY.  ***MARLAR: In fact, as a joke, everybody should just show today and give (OTHER JOCK) a big hug.

Today is NATIONAL ICE CREAM SANDWICH DAY.  ***MARLAR: Personally, I prefer mine on pumpernickel – but that’s just me.

PSYCHIC WEEK begins today.  ***MARLAR: But then, if you’re a psychic you already knew that.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

National Coloring Book Day

National Night Out

Take a Penny / Leave a Penny Day

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 03

Friendship Day

International Albarino Day

Watermelon Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 04

Coast Guard Day

India Pale Ale Beer Day

National Chocolate Chip Day

Single Working Women’s Day

Social Security Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 05

National Oyster Day

National Underwear Day

Braham Pie Day (Homemade Pie Day)

International Beer Day

Tomboy Tools Day

Twins Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 06

Hiroshima Day

International Hangover Day (always the day after International Beer Day)

Mead Day

National Fresh Breath Day

National Jamaican Patty Day

National Mustard Day

National Root Beer Float Day

Sandcastle Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 07

Friendship Day

Lighthouse Day

National Doll Day

National Kids’ Day

Sister’s Day

Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day

Professional Speakers Day

Purple Heart Day

MONDAY, AUGUT 08

Earth Over Shoot Day (Ecological Debt Day)

Dalek Day

Assistance Dog Day

International Cat Day

The Date To Create

Happiness Happens Day

Odie Day

Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night

TUESDAY, AUGUST 09

International Day of the World’s Indigenous People

Veep Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10

National Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Paul Bunyan Day

Skyscraper Appreciation Day

Smithsonian Day

S’more Day

ON THIS DAY

1876: Jack McCall shot Wild Bill Hickok in the back as he played poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory. Hickok held black aces and eights, which became known as the “dead man’s hand.” McCall was hanged.

1938: In a game between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the St. Louis Cardinals, the first yellow baseball was tested. Johnny Mize was the only major leaguer ever to hit a yellow home run.

1943: PT-109, commanded by Lt. John F. Kennedy, sank after being rammed by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri off the Solomon Islands. The future president was credited with saving members of the crew; he was awarded the Navy and Marine Corps Medal for heroism, and the Purple Heart for his injuries.

1945: Norma Jean Dougherty filled out an application for the Blue Book Modeling Agency. Later, she would change her name to Marilyn Monroe.

1961: The Beatles began a 2-year engagement of some 300 shows at Liverpool’s Cavern Club.

1963: Eric Clapton quit The Roosters to form Casey Jones and the Engineers.

1967: In their first pre-season game, the New Orleans Saints lost to the Rams 77 to 16.

1984: Charles Schultz’ comic strip “Peanuts” was added to the Portsmouth Daily Times, making it the first comic strip to appear in 2,000 newspapers.

1987: Eurythmics guitarist Dave Stewart and Bananarama’s Siobhan Fahey were married in Paris.

1987: Disney re-released “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” 50 years after the film’s original release.

1997: “Frasier” star Kelsey Grammer tied the knot for the third time, this time, to model Camille Donatacci at a private ceremony in Malibu, California.

1998: A woman called San Francisco Animal Control to complain that an iguana was “staring at” her cat. The “iguana” turned out to be a 4-foot crocodile named Ernest, who escaped while his owner was moving. Though he reported Ernest missing, the owner kept moving because it’s illegal to own a crocodile in San Francisco.

2000: The Republican Party nominated George W. Bush and Dick Cheney to head its ticket for the November U.S. elections.

2001: A Muskegon, Michigan, man was charged with unlawful use of a harmful device after he blew up his home while sniffing propane gas and smoking marijuana. No one was seriously injured in the blast, which blew the home off its foundation and damaged two neighboring houses.

2004: Crude oil prices rose sharply after the terror alert in the United States was hiked over an al-Qaida threat, posting a then-record $43.92 a barrel before slipping back.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1100: William the Conqueror’s son and successor Rufus, a wicked king who delighted in torture, seizing church property, and blasphemy, is mysteriously killed while hunting by an arrow that flew out of nowhere. No one mourned, and England took his eternal damnation for granted.

1640: Joseph Chiwatenhwa, a faithful Huron Indian Christian is butchered as he carries a message for the Jesuits.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress Hallie Eisenberg (The little girl in Bicentennial Man, How To Eat Fried Worms, the girl in the old Pepsi commercials) 24

  • actor (The Crow: Wicked Prayer, The Visitation) Eddie Furlong 39

  • actress (“Weeds”, Amy Gardner on “The West Wing”, Ruth Jamison in Fried Green Tomatoes) Mary-Louise Parker 50 (audio clip)

  • comic (“Saturday Night Live”, UHF) Victoria Jackson 57 (audio clip)

  • actress (Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Dr. Madison Wesley on “Diagnosis Murder”, Beverly Bridge on “Boston Legal”) Joanna Cassidy 71 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1900 : Helen Morgan

1935 : Hank Cochran

1937 : Garth Hudson (The Band)

1939 : Edward Patten (Gladys Knight and the Pips)

1941 : Doris Kenner-Jackson (The Shirelles)

1941 : Andrew Malcolm (The Herd)

1943 : Kathy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters)

1951 : Andrew Gold

1961 : Pete De Freitas (Echo And The Bunnymen)

1970 : Zelma Davis (C and C Music Factory)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How far can spiders travel on a thread of silk?

By casting a thread of silk into the breeze spiders are able to ride wind currents away from danger or to parachute into new areas. Often they travel a few meters but some spiders have been discovered hundreds of miles out to sea. Researchers have now found that in turbulent air the spiders’ silk moulds to the eddies of the airflow to carry them further.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Kutless member James Mead is hoping to make a little money off of his schooling. He posted this week: Auctioning off my math notes for charity. Opening bid starts at $50,000..…

Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips was reminiscing about the past this week. He posted a picture of some bikes and said: It’s funny the things that trigger memories! Walking out my front door this morning, seeing Taylor’s friends bikes leaning up against my front fence! So many great times I had with this same scene, that I took for granted as a kid, but now holds gold for me!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BIXphr5gB5J/

Darlene Zschech was celebrating this week. The Australian worship leader announced that they have another grand baby on the way.

Switchfoot has teamed up with the organization Cure to help provide medical attention for kids. According to the band, it’s as simple as giving a gift of $50. Your gift will help Cure heal a child, and in return, you will get a CURE t-shirt and Switchfoot’s new CD, Where the Light Shines Through.

https://cure.org/musicthatheals/

Washington Nationals player Daniel Murphy has been using Jordan Feliz’s song The River as his walk out music this year and now Jordan and Daniel have officially had the chance to meet. Jordan posted: after making a couple phone calls, The Nationals got us field passes for the game today! My crew and I got to hang with Daniel, talk about Jesus, music and took some photos! What an insane day!

MercyMe front man Bart Millard and two of his son’s recently attended a Dodgers/Cardinals game in St. Louis but he had a problem. Bart posted: Great to see my pal Adrián González and new friend Scott Van Slyke. Thanks to Mike Matheny for taking such great care of us. Guess I’m cheering for both teams in my heart tonight. That makes me a Dardinals fan…or a Codgers fan. Yep I’m going with Codgers fan.

Big Daddy Weave member Jason Jay Weaver is back home and starting rehabilitation after loosing both feet to a very serious infection. However, members of the band say the need for prayer and financial help is still there. They posted late last week: we so appreciate you, your contributions, prayers and encouragement. There is still a substantial need, so please prayerfully consider donating toward these medical expenses. So far more than $96,000 has been raised but that’s only about two thirds of what they estimate will be needed to cover all of Jason’s medical expenses.

https://www.youcaring.com/jason-jay-weaver-582813

Matthew West was recently on facebook, live from his living room. Matthew shared a couple songs and a quick devotion. The live broadcast was in honor of his uncle who had just passed away the night before. Matthew shared that his uncle Doug taught him how to play the first chords he ever learned on guitar. He says Doug was blind from early childhood and added: I keep thinking that today he’s got 20/20 vision. His faith is now his sight. Heaven is the hope we can hold on to. I believe that with all my heart.

Jamie Grace says she is still a Minnesota Wild girl first, pledging her loyalty to the NHL team from Minnesota. So why was she wearing a Pittsburgh Penguins T-shirt at an appearance over the weekend? She posted: This shirt was cute cause it has a penguin on it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BIf7MKiBQvK/

The band Stars Go Dim introduced Christopher Chase Cleveland over the weekend. Chase is the third child for band member Chris Cleveland. However, he wasn’t the only baby born that day in the family. Chris says his wife’s sister gave birth 16 minutes before Chase was born, causing his wife’s family to go into scramble mode.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BId9jJGj9JC/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

If you’re going to steal, probably best not to post about it online as you’re in the act. Police in Ocean City nabbed a Brian S. Engelmann, who stole a Jeep Wrangler, and posted videos of the theft as he was doing it on Snapchat. At first, officers had no suspects in the case of the stolen 1994 Jeep Wrangler, but later that evening, they got an anonymous tip to check social media. Police said the videos “depict Engelmann stealing the Jeep and driving erratically” in the area. One of the videos even shows him parking the Jeep where it was later found.  ***Maybe they could save some taxpayer money and have Brian take his own mugshots as well.

Acoustic ecologist Gordon Hempton thinks he’s found the “quietest square inch in the United States.” It’s marked by a red pebble that he placed on a log in a corner of the Hoh Rainforest in Olympic National Park in western Washington state (at 47°51’57.5″N, 123°52’13.3″W). The area is actually full of sounds, but the sounds are natural — by quietest, Hempton means that this point is subject to less human-made noise pollution than any other spot in the American wilderness.  ***But then some guy with a red pebble and a bunch of recording equipment came in and screwed it all up.

In Poland a five-year-old boy hopped behind the wheel of an car and drove it several blocks looking for his mother following an argument with his grandmother. The boy was not injured in his short drive and the car was stopped without incident. Witnesses say the boy started the car, cranked up the stereo and stood on the driver’s seat to see over the steering wheel.  ***He’s already proven to be more reliable and safe than most New York City cab drivers.

Feeling left behind in the world of Pokemon Go? If you’ve got $1,500 you can catch up real fast — and go straight to level 21. Pokemon Go accounts are for sale on sites like Craigslist and eBay. If 15-hundred is too rich you can always jump to level 16 for $150.  ***You can find it in the same section as pet psychics and people selling the Brooklyn Bridge.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Shoebuy.com has confirmed in a nationwide survey that women really do love their shoes. 20% admit they’re more aroused by new shoes than by their significant others.  *** Do you, Sally, take Manolo Blahnik, to be your lawfully wedded footwear?

According to a study, 32-percent of people in the United States aged 18 to 24 say they use social networking in the bathroom.  The same report found that 51-percent of US adults between 25 and 34 use social networking in the office — more than any other age group.  ***MARLAR: So the next time you’re about to soil yourself waiting for an open toilet stall, you can blame Facebook.

Eat more fiber and you just may live longer. That’s the message from the largest study of its kind to find a link between high-fiber diets and lower risks of death not only from heart disease, but from infectious and respiratory illnesses as well.   The government study also ties fiber with a lower risk of cancer deaths in men, but not women, possibly because men are more likely to die from cancers related to diet, like cancers of the esophagus. And it finds the overall benefit to be strongest for diets high in fiber from grains.   Most Americans aren’t getting enough roughage in their diets. The average American eats only about 15 grams of fiber each day, much less than the current daily recommendation of 25 grams for women and 38 grams for men, or 14 grams per 1,000 calories. For example, a slice of whole wheat bread contains 2 to 4 grams of fiber.  ***MARLAR: So yes, eating fiber may help you live longer – but those extra years will likely be spent sitting in the bathroom.

Research of newly married couples at the University of Tennessee, hypothesizes that couples in which the man is more attractive than the woman are generally less happy than pairs where the wife is better looking.  ***MARLAR: Which totally explains why I have such a happy marriage.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Court Hearing”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Wood, “Bad Breath”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals followed Louis the lion into the jungle to look for a new king. A king who would be wise, and noble, and brave! But right now, Louis and all of the other jungle animals are in a deep, dark, and scary part of the jungle… and Louis is afraid of the dark!

CLOSE: Not only is real life decisions scary for Louis, but now even his dreams are making him nervous! Will the animals ever find the right person to be king of the jungle? Tune in again next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 06/07

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We’ve secretly replaced our normal episode of As the Jungle Turns with a story that takes place on Razzleflabbin Island, where Marvy Snuffelson and all of the Razzleflabbins are about to come face to face with another Razzleflabbin… a Razzleflabbin that is PLAID! Let’s see if our audience notices…

CLOSE: You might think it’s a bit silly to be afraid of the someone that’s different – but how would you feel if someone came running up to you that was covered in stripes and lines all over his body? Maybe this Plaid Guy really is dangerous! Find out more next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Giving away money sometimes makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.  Other time, it makes you feel like a real inDUHvidual.

A man stunned shoppers on a British street by handing out his savings to “make people happy.” Chris Aljaradat withdrew just under $18,000 from his bank before dishing out the cash to amazed passers-by in Worcester, England. He got about $3,500 into his free-for-all when he wised up and walked away with the rest of his money.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU LIVE IN A REALLY SMALL TOWN

10. You can fill your car with gas, check your mail and get a haircut at the same place.

9. The whole town showed up for the neighbor’s cat’s funeral

8. There’s no newspaper…just old Henry who sits on a bench in front of the cafe and talks about what everybody’s doing.

7. When you were 10 your daddy drove you 30 miles to show you a stoppin’ signal.

6. You can touch both “City Limits” signs at the same time.

5. When someone says, “This town ain’t big enough for the two of us,” they mean it literally.

4. The phone book is a 3×5 index card.

3. The town library consists of the outdated magazines at the combo barbershop/town hall.

2. The grocery store’s operating hours are 7:00 AM to Whenever I Get Ready To Go Home.

1. The sidewalks are rolled up promptly at 8:00pm.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

You have to be a true genius to be caught doing something illegal… while behind bars.

FILE #1: You won’t find a much dumber criminal than this.  In Trenton, New York, Donald Ray Bilby pleaded guilty to sending letters to the FBI and secret service that included bomb and anthrax threats. He sent five letters in all demanding authorities deposit $20,000 in his county jail inmate account because he needed the money for bail. Each letter did include his name and inmate number. Christopher Christie of the U.S. Attorney’s Office said, “I think it’s fair to say we were not dealing with a great criminal mind here.” Donald now faces a maximum of five more years in prison after he finishes serving a sentence for automobile theft.

FILE #2: The bank robbery careers of Andre Lamar Henderson and Lisa Terry Hanna have come to an abrupt and unprofitable end. Anderson entered a Norristown, Pennsylvania, bank and handed a note to a teller that read, “Give me all your hundreds and fifties FAST.” Apparently the bank was short on cash that day as Anderson got away with just one $50 bill. Actually, even ‘got away’ is a relative term as a witness noticed the license number of Hanna’s car and the aspiring Bonnie and Clyde were soon busted.

FILE #3: A ringing cell phone landed a 17-year-old Patchogue, New York, girl facing drug charges in a jail cell after an angry judge sentenced her to 21 days for contempt. Mariela Acevedo incurred the wrath of the judge when, as she awaited her hearing, the phone went off in the courtroom and the judge warned everyone to shut off all cell phones and pagers or face contempt charges. When Acevedo’s phone sounded, the judge called the teenager forward and asked, “Did you think I was playing with you?” She responded, “No. I thought I had turned it off.” The judge said, ” I know you’ve been playing with it all morning, sayonara” and sentenced her to 21 days on the spot.

STRANGE LAW: A common law, found in dozens of states and cities, forbids men with moustaches to kiss women.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Today in history… one guy’s brain was on drugs!

On this day in 2001, a Muskegon, Michigan, man was charged with unlawful use of a harmful device after he blew up his home while sniffing propane gas and smoking. No one was seriously injured in the blast, but it did blow the home off its foundation and damaged two neighboring houses. 

PHONER PHUN

Anybody know of an open lemonade stand in the area right now?  Where are your kids setting up shop? Let us know and we’ll tell everyone about it on the air so listeners can stop by and your kid can make some dough!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was the name of the wife of Lapidoth and for what is she famous?
ANSWER: Deborah, she was the first woman judge of Israel (Judges 4:4,5)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s the strongest muscle in the body?

ANSWER: The tongue.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. A pineapple is a nut. (False – it’s a berry)

2. Coffee cures scurvy. (False, but advertisements for coffee in London in 1657 claimed that the beverage was a cure for scurvy, gout and other ills.)

3. Ginger works twice as well as Dramamine for fighting motion sickness, with no side effects. (True)

4. Tea was so expensive when it was first brought to Europe in the early 17th century that it was kept in locked wooden boxes. (True)

5. Mercury is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature. (True)

6. Fishermen in China train dolphins to herd fish into their nets. (False – but they do train otters)

7. The average human will pump 48 million gallons of blood in their lifetime. (True)

8. You burn 26 calories in a one minute kiss. (True)

9. There are 26 calories in a Hershey Kiss. (True)

10. Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

MCDONALD’S ADDS _______ TO HAPPY MEALS (PROZAC)

Bowing to pressure from health advocates and the government, McDonald’s is putting “happy” in the  Happy Meal.

The company announced Tuesday that it would more than halve the amount of French fries and add apples to its popular children’s meal in an effort to reduce the overall calorie count by 20 percent.

And to make children “happy” the company is adding two 20 mg Prozac pills to the meal.  A toy will still come with each Happy Meal. Children will either get a free water pistol or a plastic Pirates of the Caribbean knife.

Happy Meals account for less than 10 percent of all McDonald’s sales, and the signature box and its contents — first introduced in 1979 — have become a favorite target in recent years.  Health groups were concerned that the french fries were making kids “fat and sad”.

Now, with the addition of apple slices and Prozac  the company feels kids will now be “skinny and happy.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.  Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.

Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.  After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait.  Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.

“Okay,” he said, “Let’s drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while.”

JOKE #2

At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian.

He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian, and his sister was also valedictorian.

He paused, leaned back in his chair and said, “Looks like the end of an era!”

JOKE #3

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said “Chopsticks were provided only on request.”

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

USELESS FACTS

A University of Michigan study found that if a child is misbehaving, removing his tonsils might help.  ***MARLAR: Or just threatening to remove them.

A tractor-trailer missed a corner at the bottom of a hill, sliced through four lanes of traffic and smashed into the front of Idaho State Police headquarters in Lewiston, Idaho. Miraculously, no one was hurt by the accident.  ***MARLAR: But the driver was later taken to the hospital with multiple bruises after the cops found out the truck hit the coffee room and spilled diesel all over their donuts.

FEATURED FUNNIES

I PAINT WHAT I FEEL

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DUMBEST GAME SHOW ANSWERS EVER

The folks at.jumpingjacksbar.com assembled some of the dumbest answers given to some of the easiest questions on such shows as “University Challenge,” “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” and some regional radio shows:

  • Question: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? (Contestant: I don’t know; I wasn’t watching it then.)

  • Question: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? (Contestant: Forrest Gump.)

  • Question: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. (Contestant: “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”)

  • Question: In which European city was the first opera house opened in 1637? (Contestant: Sydney)

  • Question: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? (Contestant: <after long pause> Fourteen days.)

  • Question: What is the currency in India? (Contestant: Ramadan)

  • Question: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? (Contestant: Jesus)

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

NEEDING A SONG
A nurse escorted a tired, anxious young man, to the bedside of an elderly man. “Your son is here” she whispered to the patient. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient’s eyes opened. He was heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack and he dimly saw the young man standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand and the young man tightly wrapped his fingers around it, squeezing a message of encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair next to the bedside. All through the night the young man sat holding the old mans hand, and offering gentle words of hope. The dying man said nothing as he held tightly to his son. As dawn approached, the patient died. The young man placed on the bed the lifeless hand he had been holding, and then he went to notify the nurse.
While the nurse did what was necessary, the young man waited. When she had finished her task, the nurse began to say words of sympathy to the young man. But he interrupted her. “Who was that man?” He asked.

The startled nurse replied, “I thought he was your father”.

“No, he was not my father, “He answered. “I never saw him before in my life.”

“Then why didn’t you say something when I took you to him?” asked the nurse.
He replied, “I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn’t here. When I realized he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, I knew how much he needed me….”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

I’M SORRY

Read: Luke 15:11-24

Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son. —Luke 15:21

A meaningful apology can be the first step toward forgiveness. Colleen O’Connor writes in The Denver Post: “The successful apology dissolves anger and humiliation. It shows respect, builds trust, and helps prevent further misunderstanding. A sincere apology makes it much easier to forgive.”

And author Barbara Engel says that a true apology depends on the three Rs: regret, responsibility, and remedy.

In Jesus’ story of the prodigal son, the headstrong young man who returned home after squandering his inheritance approached his father with humility and remorse: “Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son” (Luke 15:21). He expressed regret for the pain he had caused, took responsibility for what he had done, and was prepared to work as a hired servant (v.19).

As Christians, we have a responsibility to repent and sincerely say “I’m sorry” whenever we wrong another person. In a spirit of humility and love, we can help those who need to forgive us by offering a genuine apology.

A sincere apology doesn’t compel others to forgive, but it’s the right thing to do. We must take the first step on the pathway toward the freedom of forgiveness. —David McCasland

Have you hurt a friend or brother?
Go at once and make things right;
From your heart say, “I am sorry.”
How these words bring God delight! —D. De Haan

A heartfelt apology can’t change the past, but it can brighten the future.

LEFTOVERS

SWEET SLEEP

A convicted murder is complaining that she’s not allowed to sleep past 8:00am… poor thing.

Virginia Green, a patient in the Augusta (Maine) Mental Health Institute was convicted of murdering 75-year-old mother in 1996. She has filed a lawsuit alleging that the facility’s 8 a.m. wakeup policy violates her rights and is ordering that the institute be instructed to permit her to sleep until 11 a.m. ***MARLAR: But of course, Ms. Green… we wouldn’t want to inconvenience a convicted murderer now, would we?

LIFE… LIVE IT

Healthy living can cut your risk of death in half!

Living a long, healthy life is simple – eat healthier and stop smoking. Researchers at Harvard School of Public Health and Brigham and Women’s Hospital said women who heed common sense health messages about smoking, diet and exercise can cut their risk of premature death in half. Researchers followed 80,000 nurses for more than 20 years. They found that 28% of the 8,882 women who died during the study could have survived if they had never smoked. And 55% of the deaths could have been avoided if the women had never smoked and exercised regularly, eaten a healthy diet low in red meat and trans-fats and maintained a healthy weight. Smoking played the biggest role in causing premature death, and alcohol consumption played the smallest, they said.

JUST FOR FUN

A SURE FIRE WAY TO WIN A BASKETBALL GAME


The basketball coached by Kevin and Kollen Werner stinks and they’ll be the first ones to admit it! The couple from Nebraska coaches a fifth-grade girls basketball squad that was sprayed by a skunk while sightseeing between tournament games. The girls tried showers, soap and shampoo and even tried perfume — but nothing seemed to work. But the bad smell must have worked to their advantage. The skunked girls won their game 27-14 and the coaches say their girls weren’t guarded very closely. ***MARLAR: Ah, the sweet smell of victory.

FUN LIST

VIVE LA DIFFERENCE!
Even though we can now explain differences between men and women’s social conducts genetically, several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet…for instance, can you explain why:

  • Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.

  • Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.

  • Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: (e.g. drink a cup of coffee.) In the same time a multitasking women can make breakfast, make the children’s sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and DE-flea the cat. Women have not yet realized this is a disadvantage.

  • A man who regularly visits his mother is a mommy’s boy. A women who does the same is a good daughter.

  • A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo system.

  • Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.

  • Men have flu, women have colds.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

POP YOUR WAY TO BETTER HEALTH

Daily popcorn snackers may be more likely to hit their quota of whole grains, reports a study in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association. Researchers surveyed more than 15,000 people and found that popcorn poppers consumed an average of 2.5 servings of whole grains per day; non-‘corn connoisseurs got .7 servings, the recommended daily allowance is three servings. Let’s face it: We snack. But grazing on high fat or sugary treats often comes at the expense of eating fiber rich grains, says Kristin J. Reimers, Ph.D., manager of nutrition for ConAgra Foods. One six-cup serving of dry popcorn such as SmartPop! has about 90 calories and supplies two servings of grains. (Women’s Health)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A new Gallup poll has found that 89 percent of Americans say they believe in God. According to the Christian Post, When Gallup asked, “Do you believe in God,” 89 percent of U.S. adults said, “yes,” and 10 percent said, “no.” One percent said they had no opinion. In the surveys conducted May 4-8 and June 14-23, Gallup then asked respondents to choose among “believe in, not sure about and don’t believe in,” 79 percent of respondents said they believe in God, 11 percent said they don’t believe and 10 percent said they are not sure. In the same survey, 72 percent said they believe in angels, 64 percent believe in hell, and 61 percent believe in the devil. http://ow.ly/DZow301RIfs

Corky went missing in August of 2009, when he somehow slipped away from the Montez family’s fenced-in yard in Texas. According to the Washington Post, The family spent months looking for the little terrier, whom they had adopted that year, but they never found him; at least until this month. Corky was microchipped. That’s how he was reunited with the family, after he and another dog were brought into the Humane Society of North Texas. No word on where Corky has been for the past 7 years. http://wapo.st/2amcoXN

While American drivers routinely exceed the speed limit, getting caught is more expensive in some states than in others. To find out which states take the hardest line on dangerous driving behavior, the website WalletHub conducted an in-depth analysis of 2015’s Strictest States on Speeding and Reckless Driving. The site looked at 12 key metrics ranging from what speeds are automatically considered reckless driving to how many speeding tickets it takes to earn an automatic license suspension. Based on their findings, the state taking the hardest line on speeding was Colorado. It was followed by Arizona, Delaware, New Mexico and… Illinois. http://ow.ly/PSYee

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school — you’ll be working for them in the future. –Wisecrack of Dawn

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JULY 29, 2016…

Jason Bourne—Matt Damon is back as Jason Bourne, who seeks to redeem himself—again. His memory came back and he knows what happened to him, so look out those who experimented on him. Sound familiar? Also in the cast are Alicia Vikander and Tommy Lee Jones. “Jason Bourne” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Bad Moms-–This is the tale of three Mom’s who had just had it with schedules, etc. One night they go berserk in a store and from then on inhibitions are out the window. Everyone has a limit.  The stars are Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell and Kathryn Hahn. “Bad Moms” is rated R. No rating.

Equity—Anna Gunn wants to get a job in a top-notch investment film, but finds back-stabbing and bad investments, instead. They go after her when she tries to go public. “Equity” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Indignation—Logan Lerman is a college students who has a crush on a girl in his school. When this becomes public, it also draws attention to him and maybe the Army wants him now. This is adapted from the Philip Roth book and set in the 1950’s. “Indignation” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Weiner Dog—This is really the tender story of a little dachshund who goes from owner to owner because no one really has time for the little creature.  Along its way, it meets a collection of owners from alcoholic to depressed.  Stars include Danny De Vito.  “Weiner Dog” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for animal fans.

AUGUST 05, 2016…

Nine Lives has Kevin Spacey stepping away from “House Of Cards” to be inside a family cat and then learning a lesson on humility.

Suicide Squad is about those evil comic book characters who seek to redeem themselves.  Included are Deadshot, Harley Quinn and the Joker.

Five Nights In Maine is a drama about the loss of a family member starring Dianne Weist and David Oyelowo.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.