August 03, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160803

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Yesterday I had a strange experience. My deodorant ran out, so I used my wife’s. It worked fine, but there was a weird side effect. When I drove downtown–I discovered I had completely lost the ability to parallel park.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.” – Proverbs 22:6

Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord. — Psalm 33:12

Some of the Jews were persuaded and joined Paul and Silas, as did a large number of God-fearing Greeks and not a few prominent women. — Acts 17:4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” — John 6:29

Thought: “What do you do for a living?” It is one of the most commonly asked questions in many cultures. We define each other in large measure by the work we do. God, however, defines us by his grace. So the work God has for us, the way he wants us to “make our living,” so to speak, is by fully trusting in Jesus. This is the orientation point for each of our lives!

Prayer: Lord God Almighty, Ruler of Heaven and earth, I believe, but help my unbelief. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Corinthians 8:3 NIV = But the man who loves God is known by God.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – AUGUST 03, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
43 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is HAMMOCK APPRECIATION DAY.  ***MARLAR: I’ve always wanted one of these, but there’s no room in the on-air studio.

Today is NATIONAL WATERMELON DAY.  The U.S. Department of Agriculture says cold watermelon is much less nutritious than room temperature watermelon.  ***MARLAR: The report came from the office of the Undersecretary of Killing All Summertime Joy.

Today is WATCH “SESAME STREET” WITH A CHILD DAY.  ***MARLAR: This holiday brought to you by the number one, the letter “K”, and the color green.

Today is LOST VOYAGE DAY. On this date in 1492 Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present-day Americas.  ***MARLAR: Of course, he was truly looking for INDIA.  Christopher Columbus became a national hero because he got lost.  That’s right, ladies… even back in 1492, men never stopped to ask for directions.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Friendship Day

International Albarino Day

Watermelon Day

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, AUGUST 04

Coast Guard Day

India Pale Ale Beer Day

National Chocolate Chip Day

Single Working Women’s Day

Social Security Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 05

National Oyster Day

National Underwear Day

Braham Pie Day (Homemade Pie Day)

International Beer Day

Tomboy Tools Day

Twins Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 06

Hiroshima Day

International Hangover Day (always the day after International Beer Day)

Mead Day

National Fresh Breath Day

National Jamaican Patty Day

National Mustard Day

National Root Beer Float Day

Sandcastle Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 07

Friendship Day

Lighthouse Day

National Doll Day

National Kids’ Day

Sister’s Day

Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day

Professional Speakers Day

Purple Heart Day

MONDAY, AUGUT 08

Earth Over Shoot Day (Ecological Debt Day)

Dalek Day

Assistance Dog Day

International Cat Day

The Date To Create

Happiness Happens Day

Odie Day

Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night

TUESDAY, AUGUST 09

International Day of the World’s Indigenous People

Veep Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10

National Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Paul Bunyan Day

Skyscraper Appreciation Day

Smithsonian Day

S’more Day

ON THIS DAY

1492: Christopher Columbus set sail half an hour before sunrise from Palos, Spain. With three ships, Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria and a crew of 90, he sailed for Cathay, but found instead a New World of the Americas, first landing October 12 at Guanahani on San Salvador Island in the Bahamas.

1953: South Africa refused to allow Mexican tennis star Pancho Segura play in their country, objecting to his “South American Indian blood.”

1966: Comedian Lenny Bruce died of a morphine overdose.

1977: After building and testing 25 units, Radio Shack issued a press release introducing its TRS-80 computer. Within weeks, the company had thousands of orders. *** And eight weeks later thousands were returned.

1984: Mary Lou Rettom edged past Ecatarina Szabo 79.175 to 79.125 by scoring a perfect 10 on the vault in her final routine in the all-around competition to win America’s first women’s Olympic gymnastic gold .medal. Szabo dominated the remaining gymnastic events to take three individual gold medals home to Romania.

1986: Despite pouring rain, some 82,000 Brits watched the Chicago Bears whip the Dallas Cowboys 17 to 6 in the first All America Bowl in England. The fans seemed especially to enjoy 340-pound William “The Refrigerator” Perry, and an unknown streaker who dashed across the field wearing only socks.

1989: Methusaleh the rattlesnake died at Tabor College in Hillsboro, Kansas. Methusaleh was captured fully grown in 1960, so he was at least 30 or 31 years old, which may have made him the oldest rattlesnake in history. So they stuffed him.

1989: ABC-TV debuted Prime Time Live, a news show anchored by Diane Sawyer and Sam Donaldson.

1991: Hazel Stout of Portland, Oregon, set a world skydiving record. Hazel was 88 years old.

1992: Millions of South African blacks joined a nationwide strike against white-led rule.

1997: The world’s oldest person, 122-year-old Jeanne Calment, died in Marseille, France. ***MARLAR: So they stuffed her. Oh, wait… wrong story – that was the rattlesnake story from 1989.

1998: Vietnam’s Finance Ministry set fee caps for officials on the public speaking circuit. Commune-level officials could charge only $2.30 a speech, though higher-ranking officials could demand a whopping $7.60.

1999: Salesman Simon Thompson got a shock when his car broke down in west London and Prince William and Prince Harry stopped to help him push it down the street and out of the way. He said the 17- and 14-year-old Royals acted as though it was no big deal.

2000: George W. Bush accepted the Republican presidential nomination at the party’s convention in Philadelphia, presenting himself as an outsider who would return “civility and respect” to Washington politics.

2014: A Florida man was arrested after authorities said he hit a postal carrier and threw furniture at his truck because he didn’t have any mail for him. *** From then on he got plenty of mail…mostly from attorneys.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

(None today)

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Virginia Bryce on “Angel”, Vanessa Dunphy on “Over There”) Brigid Conley Walsh 44 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Platoon, Wall Street, Dr. Perry Cox on “Scrubs”) John C. McGinley, 57 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Dennis on the classic “Dennis the Menace” TV show) Jay North, 65 (audio clip)

  • actress (Mrs. Freeman on “Will & Grace”, Bernetta Campbell on “Moesha”, Harriette Winslow on “Family Matters”) JoMarie Payton 66 (audio clip)

  • Author/columnist/TV host/white-collar felon Martha Stewart 75

  • Actor (“The West Wing”, Apocalypse Now, Spawn) Martin Sheen, 756– Martin has played the Presidents four times: Jed Bartlett on TV’s “The West Wing”; in the TV movie Medusa’s Child; as John F. Kennedy in the mini-series “Kennedy”; and as the “future” president (in a premonition) Greg Stilson in the original The Dead Zone movie. (

    )

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1902 : Ray Bloch

1917 : Charlie Shavers

1918 : Les Elgart

1921 : Richard Adler

1926 : Tony Bennett

1929 : Arthur Wood (The Climax Blues Band)

1935 : Gordon Stoker (The Jordanaires)

1936 : Kenny Hodges (Spanky and Our Gang)

1941 : Beverly Lee (The Shirelles)

1946 : John York (The Byrds)

1949 : B.B. Dickerson (War)

1951 : John Graham (Eart, Wind & Fire)

1953 : Ian Brainson (Pilot)

1961 : Randy Scruggs (The Stray Cats)

1963 : Ed Roland (Collective Soul)

1963 : James Hetfield (Metallica)

1966 : Dean Sams (Lonestar)

1985 : Holly Artnstein (The-Dream)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Is it true that bumblebees’ bodies shouldn’t be able to fly?
If bumblebees tried to fly by flapping their smallish wings or kept them stationary, using them to gain lift from air currents, as do airplanes, we would probably call them stumblebees. The wings are too small in proportion to their body to bring that off. In fact their anatomy seems so improbably built for flight that the buzz among some people is that we simply don’t know how bees do it. But we do. Bees gain lift by vibrating their wings up and down about 200 times a second (rather than simply flapping them like birds do). That vibration also makes the characteristic bee sound. Musical notes are created on string instruments in the same way… by vibration. Although, I’m sure none of these bugs is capable of playing “The Flight of the Bumblebee.”

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard should be used to sleeping on a plane by the end of the week. He posted: I am taking the San Diego to Detroit redeye three times this week.

Question of the day from CCM magazine: Salt or NO salt on your watermelon?

Worship leader Christy Nockels announced plans for her first solo Christmas album this week. Christy said she is currently in the studio working on the project. In fact, Christy posted: We’ve been in Christmas mode for several months here at the house as we’ve been writing these songs. At one point we even pulled out the Christmas Tree to get in the spirit while recording. However, Christy is asking for your help to fund her first solo Christmas album. She has set up a funding page that will allow you to pre-purchase the album and also purchase other Christmas gifts.   http://ow.ly/fQQL302J5lH

Lauren Daigle is struggling to get back into her road schedule as she tours with Hillsong United on the Empires tour. She posted this week: You know you’re still getting your road legs back when it’s 2:30pm and you’re just waking up. Lauren says she considered going back to sleep for a few more hours but instead hit the pool.

Jonny Diaz’ ingredients for a good night: Dippin Dots and watching Chris August from side stage.

For King and Country members Joel and Luke were reminiscing about the past. They shared pictures of their early days on My Space when their band had the innovative name Joel and Luke. http://twitter.com/4kingandcountry/status/758741939009101824/photo/1

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is out with a new blog about kicking envy to the curb. He posted: Sometimes we’ll play shows with bands that have grown more successful than my band, more quickly than my band. Even though I’m not a kid anymore, I still sometimes wrestle with those same old feelings of jealousy and envy…and it’s ugly. However, Jon added: “Gratitude eats jealousy for breakfast.” Check out the blog and find out what Jon does to overcome jealousy.  http://ow.ly/kzxD302J4V0

Jamie Grace’s mama was disappointed this week. She is in the hospital and posted: Is it just me that finds my adult children coming in my room to get a Pokemon? Thought She Was Visiting Me. Jamie replied: I AMMMM visiting you… buuuuut these Pokemon tho…

Audio Adrenaline’s Adam Agee says he loved this time of year as a kid. He posted a list of school supplies from his younger days and said: this was my favorite time as a kid! Going to K-mart and finding a sweet new pencil box. http://twitter.com/adamagee/status/758314413656973313/photo/1

Audio Adrenaline’s Adam Agee was multitasking this week. He posted that he was working on fall tour stuff and watching the PGA Championship, all while he was getting beat by a 3 year old at the Winnie the Pooh game.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

An 86-year old woman just found a new use for bacon—theft deterrent. The woman was apparently followed to the store. The unknown woman grabbed her shopping cart and demanded cash. Instead, the woman defended herself by repeatedly hitting the female offender over the head with a packet of bacon. When confronted with the vigorous bacon defense, the would-be thief gave up and fled the supermarket and the woman, her cash, and her bacon were safe.  ***As if you couldn’t love bacon any more than you already did!  Is there nothing bacon can’t make better?

A 58-year-old man in China woke up with amnesia. Family members were in shock after the corporate executive couldn’t remember conversations from minutes before. He kept repeating questions such as “Where am I going today?” and “What do I do?” Relatives called doctors who said the man suffered from stress-induced amnesia and a bout of strenuous constipation.  ***Apparently some people really DO have their brain in that location!

Researchers have determined the exact number of hours you can be sedentary during the day before you increase your risk of developing cardiac problems.  The magic number is 10 hours. ***Which is just about perfect for my daily binge-watching of NCIS on Netflix.

Bernie Sanders says that one advantage to being out of the presidential race is he doesn’t have to inform the Secret Service every time he has to go to the bathroom.  *** On the plus side, you were never lonely.

Police were called to a party in Germany (Bendorf) after a 50th birthday celebration got a bit too loud. When the cops arrived the women went wild — because they thought male dancers had arrived. Several attempts to explain to the “approximately 10 tipsy women” that the officers were genuine law enforcement “were completely unsuccessful.”  *** Things went horribly wrong when all the women began demanding the officers show them their guns.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a study, 50% of people have at least 50% of their hair turn gray by age 50.  ***MARLAR: The other 50% are parents who had to dye their hair beginning at the age of 26.

An Oxford study found that if you use a lot of flowery language to describe the taste or smell of something, people actually think it tastes and smells better.  ***MARLAR: This explains how the French convinced everyone that the world’s greatest foods are snails, goose liver and fish eggs.  And how else can you explain that we all love cheese, which actually smells like feet?

A government study suggests a lot of teenage girls are clueless about their chances of getting pregnant.  In a survey of thousands of teenage mothers who had unintended pregnancies, about a third who didn’t use birth control said the reason was they didn’t believe they could pregnant.  Why they thought that isn’t clear. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey didn’t ask teens to explain.  But other researchers have talked to teen moms who believed they couldn’t get pregnant the first time they had sex, didn’t think they could get pregnant at that time of the month or thought they were sterile.  ***MARLAR: It’s ironic that the government is forcing many teens to attend Sex Ed classes, and the one thing they’re not learning is how sex works.

A recent report shows that about half of American 17-year-olds can’t identify the books and historic events that have always been basic cultural touchstones. 48 percent didn’t know what “1984” was about, 49 percent didn’t know that Joseph McCarthy was crusading against communism, and only 43 percent could place the Civil War as being fought between 1850 and 1900. A spokesman said it shows schools are concentrating so much on teaching math and reading, kids aren’t learning the basic history, literature and humanities required to maintain a common culture.  *** If we’re spending so much time teaching them reading, how come they’ve apparently never read anything?  How about we just teach them how to read by using history books? Problem solved!

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Scream at Top of Lungs”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ron McGehee, “Billy Li”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Louis the lion – made king of the jungle by all the rest of the animals – found out that being king is a really big responsibility, and decided he didn’t want to be king any longer. So now all of the animals are out looking for a new animal to take over the throne – and it’s not going well!

CLOSE: Sounds like they’re getting closer to finding a king… at least they’ve found some kingly, uh… stuff. Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 06/07

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We’ve secretly replaced our normal episode of As the Jungle Turns with a story that takes place on Razzleflabbin Island, where Marvy Snuffelson and all of the Razzleflabbins are about to come face to face with another Razzleflabbin… a Razzleflabbin that is PLAID! Let’s see if our audience notices…

CLOSE: You might think it’s a bit silly to be afraid of the someone that’s different – but how would you feel if someone came running up to you that was covered in stripes and lines all over his body? Maybe this Plaid Guy really is dangerous! Find out more next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Traditions in the theatre aren’t always a good thing.

School administrators at Glenbard West High in Glen Ellyn, Illinois cancelled the upcoming student play because students chose to hold one rehearsal in their underwear as a way to counteract stage fright.  The girls wore togas and the boys wore boxer shorts, claiming the practice was an old theater tradition.  One of the students rehearsing for the play commented, “None of us are mad at getting suspended, detentions, anything else. We just feel it was very wrong to cancel our show.”  ***MARLAR: And no… the play was NOT entitled, “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”  I sure wish it had though.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ON VACATION:

10. Yes, Honey, I’m sure I gave you my wallet yesterday!

9. What’s wrong, Mister? The water in these here parts is always that color!

8. Cool dad! How did you make all those lights flash on the dashboard?

7. Don’t worry! I hear that the conditions in Mexican prisons have really improved in the last few years!

6. At least we still have each other! Honey?! Honey?!

5. Maps? I don’t need no stinkin’ maps!

4. No, officer, we’re not laughing at you!

3. Was the snake brown with yellow stripes, or yellow with brown stripes?

2. You say the hornets’ nest just happened to fall out of the tree when you were walking under it? What are the chances?!

1. Gee, I would have never thought you were a Christian!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man has been dubbed the dumbest criminal in Scotland.

FILE #1: David McGregor was sentenced to 28 months after admitting a list of offenses which included assault, fraud, and attempted theft. Among his less successful exploits was failing to conceal an offensive weapon when, following a confrontation at a pub, an axe fell from where it was hidden up his sleeve. On another occasion he successfully passed a fake $17 note at a store, but was caught after he was heard bragging about it as he left, where he was a regular customer and staff knew his name. He once tried to use a stolen bank card to buy cigarettes and get $87 cash back. The staff was suspicious because the card was in a woman’s name.

FILE #2: An unshaven man wearing a black evening gown, fishnet stockings, calf-high boots and a black wig robbed a gas station in Monterey, California. The armed man stuffed $290 in cash into an ensemble-matching black purse. About 35 minutes after the robbery, a police officer spotted a black car with fishnet pantyhose hanging from the front driver’s side door, dragging on the ground. The car was pulled over and he was arrested and booked for investigation of armed robbery.

FILE #3: Returning a pair of pants to the store because they’re too small is a fairly common occurrence… unless you’re returning stolen pants. An unidentified woman stole a pair of pants last week in Ohio only to get home and find they were a couple of sizes too small. So she called the store to see if she could come back in and exchange them for a larger size. It was a rather small store and the manager couldn’t remember selling those pants so he reviewed the store’s security cameras and sure enough he spotted the lady stealing the pants. He called her back and told her to come on down. He also called the cops who came on down and arrested her.

STRANGE LAW: Believe it or not, in the state of Oregon it is actually a law that dishes must “drip dry.”

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If reporting illegal drugs to the cops – make sure you don’t have any illegal drugs yourself.

A trucker stopped his 18-wheeler in Louisiana recently and dutifully called police to say he thought someone might have planted illegal drugs on his rig. Stephen Boyter asked the local Sheriff’s Office for a search of his tractor-trailer. Not leaving well enough alone, before deputies began the search, Boyter added that the methamphetamine in the cab was his, though any other drugs they might find weren’t. Boyter said he used it to stay awake on long hauls and had been up for about 48 hours when he began thinking someone was following him, and called authorities.  (Isn’t paranoia one of the side effects of using meth?).  He’s now sleeping in the local jail.

PHONER PHUN

KEEPING COOL

So what do you put into your refrigerator during the summer months to keep cool other than food? The folks at Mars Candy wanted to know and got some unusual answers. The results of their survey include:

  • Lipstick: to keep it from melting.

  • Perfume: to keep it from going bad.

  • Facial sprays: Keep them cool to keep you cool.

  • T-shirts.

  • Flip-flop sandals

  • Underwear (8% of people actually said this).

What’s the weirdest thing in your fridge? Let us know!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Name two men in the Bible who did not die.

ANSWER: Enoch (Genesis 5:24) and Elijah (II Kings 2:11)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Woodpecker scalps, porpoise teeth and giraffe tails have all been used as… what?

ANSWER: They’ve all been used as money.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The average person will consume twelve thousand gallons of water in a lifetime. (True)

2. The car in the foreground on the back of a $10 bill is a Model T. (False – it’s a 1925 Huptmobile)

3. Money is made of cloth, not paper. (True – it’s made of woven linen)

4. One billion seconds is about 3 years. (False – it’s about 32 years)

5. The belly button of a typical blue whale is eight feet across. (False – it’s eight inches across)

6. In Singapore, there are an average of 26 restaurants per square mile. (True)

7. The typical chicken hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year. (True)

8. Worldwide consumption of beef exceeds that of any other meat. (False – pork is at the top)

9. Lettuce is a member of the rose family. (False – sunflower family)

10. Alaska could hold the 21 smallest states. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SCIENTISTS CLONE __________ (DINOSAUR)

GAINESVILLE, FL – Scientists at the University of Florida have successfully cloned a dinosaur, a spokesman from the university said yesterday.

The dinosaur, a baby Apatosaurus nicknamed “Spot,” is currently being incubated at the University of Florida’s College of Veterinary Medicine.

The scientists extracted DNA from preserved Apatosaurus fossils, which were on display at the university’s museum of natural science. Once the DNA was harvested, scientists injected it into a fertile ostrich womb.

“Ostriches share a lot of genetic traits with dinosaurs,” said Dr. Norman Trudell, a biology professor at UF and the project’s leading scientist. “Their eggshell microstructures are almost identical to those of the Apatosaurus. That’s why the cloning worked so perfectly.”

Those in the scientific community say the dinosaur cloning – the first ever of its kind – is a milestone for genetic engineering.

“I used to think this kind of thing could only happen in the movies,” said Dr. Sven Bjornsen, a UF chemistry professor. “But we’re making it happen right here in our lab. It’s astounding.”

The cloning attracted the attention of a wide variety of animal rights activists and religious groups. They claim that animal cloning is unethical and immoral.

PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk criticized the scientists for performing potentially life threatening threats on a new species.

“These scientists brought an animal from the Jurassic age back to life – just to watch it suffer!” she said.

But Dr. Trudell doesn’t seem to be bothered by the activists’ quibbling. He says that the opportunities afforded by dinosaur cloning are endless.

Within ten years, we could repopulate the world with dinosaurs,” he said. “We could harvest them for civic service, law enforcement, or even mass transportation.”

“Imagine riding to work on a dinosaur,” he continued. “Wouldn’t that be incredible?”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. “How are we faring?” asks the king.
“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”
“What?!?” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”
“Oh,” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”

JOKE #2

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
”Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know, I know,” she said. “To make the gravy!”

JOKE #3

Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn’t worried at all about serving his full term. The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early.

Jimmy replied, “Well, this will be the first time since getting married that I’ll be able to finish a sentence.”

USELESS FACTS

A toadstool is the spore-producing body of a fungus. Contrary to belief, only a few toadstools are poisonous.  ***MARLAR:  But after you find out a toadstool is a spore-producing fungus, you don’t want to eat one anyway.

The earth tilts at a 23.5 degree angle. For part of the year the north part is tilted towards the sun and experiences summer, then it changes and tilts away from the sun and has winter.  ***MARLAR: That’s one reason we have seasons. Another reason is so fashion designers will know when to introduce their new line of clothes.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THOSE AMAZING ANIMALS AND KIDS!
While waiting in the car for her husband to come out of the post office, a mom was playing the game “What does this animal say?” with her three year old daughter.  “What does the birdie say?” the mom asked. “Tweet, tweet,” said the girl.
“What does the lion say?” “Roaarrr!”
“And what does the snake say?” Mimicking her Sunday school teacher, she replied in a sinister voice, “Go ahead, you can eat the apple!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Have you ever seen the Alfred Hitchcock movie, “The Birds”? Apparently that’s not as far-fetched as we once thought. Truthfully, I thought it was a terrible movie with absolutely no plot whatsoever. And the idea that birds could work together to terrorize people was, well, unfathomable. Well, it looks like I’ve been proven wrong… again! In Sonoma, CA, a wandering flock of hens and roosters have been attacking neighborhood children for no reason. City officials have voted to ban the belligerent birds. The Santa Rosa Press Democrat reports that the Sonoma council, faced with horrific stories of mounting chicken aggression, decided it was time for the chickens to go; approving a plan to roust them from the downtown plaza and distribute them to local farms. One theory circulating in Sonoma is that too few hens among the many roosters has made the chickens more aggressive. ***MARLAR: Either that, or they’re ticked off at Colonel Sanders and to them, all humans look the same.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE ANT AND THE CONTACT LENS

Brenda was a young woman who was invited to go rock climbing. Although she was scared to death, she went with her group to a tremendous granite cliff. In spite of her fear, she put on the gear, took a hold on the rope, and started up the face of that rock. Well, she got to a ledge where she could take a breather. As she was hanging on there, the safety rope snapped against Brenda’s eye and knocked out her contact lens.

Well, here she is on a rock ledge, with hundreds of feet below her and hundreds of feet above her. Of course, she looked and looked and looked, hoping it had landed on the edge, but it just wasn’t there. Here she was, far from home, her sight now blurry. She was desperate and began to get upset, so she prayed to the Lord to help her to find it.

When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but there was no contact lens to be found. She sat down, despondent, with the rest of the party, waiting for the rest of them to make it up the face of the cliff. She looked out across range after range of mountains, thinking of that Bible verse that says, “The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth”. She thought, “Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me”.

Finally, they walked down the trail to the bottom. At the bottom there was a new party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, “Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?” Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across the face of the rock, carrying it. Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist.

When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a picture of an ant lugging that contact lens with the words, “Lord, I don’t know why You want me to carry this thing. I can’t eat it, and it’s awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I’ll carry it for You”.

I think it would probably do some of us good to occasionally say, “God, I don’t know why you want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it’s awfully heavy. But, if you want me to carry it, I will”. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOOD MEDICINE

Read: Proverbs 17:17-22

A merry heart does good, like medicine. —Proverbs 17:22

In a Better Homes and Gardens article titled “Laugh Your Way to Good Health, ”Nick Gallo made an observation that echoes what Solomon wrote thousands of years ago:“A merry heart does good, like medicine”(Proverbs 17:22). Gallo said, “Humor is good medicine-and can actually help keep you in good health.”He quoted William F. Fry, M.D., who describes laughter as “inner jogging ”and says that it’s good for a person’s cardiovascular system.

Comparing laughter to exercise, Gallo pointed out that when a person laughs heartily several physical benefits occur. There’s a temporary lowering of blood pressure, a decreased rate of breathing, and a reduction in muscle tension. He said that many people sense a “relaxed afterglow.”He concluded, “An enduring sense of humor, especially combined with other inner resources such as faith and optimism, appears to be a potent force for better health.”

Christians, above all others, should benefit from laughter because we have the greatest reason to be joyful. Our faith is firmly rooted in God, and our optimism is based on the assurance that our lives are under His wise control.

Don’t be afraid to enjoy a good laugh—it’s good medicine. —Richard De Haan

Laughter is a remedy
For sorrow and for care;
It brings joy to troubled souls,
To damaged hearts, repair. —Sper

He who laughs, lasts.

LEFTOVERS

DANGLING PROTESTING PARTICIPLE

We’ve heard of dangling participles but how about a dangling protest? A Chilean man dangled himself from the 20th floor balcony on the JW Marriott Hotel in Miami to protest against local discrimination against tourists. Apparently the guy tied a rope around his waist lowered himself off the balcony with a sign that read: “Say no to tourism until Florida stops discrimination of tourists.” Of course nobody really knew what on earth he was talking about, and after a few hours he was persuaded by police to go back inside his room. He was immediately taken for a psychological evaluation.  ***MARLAR: This story is double the fun, because it’s just so much fun to say “dangling participles!”  Watch… you’ll be saying it all day now!  “Dangling participles!”  You can’t get it out of your head now, can you?  See what I mean?

LIFE… LIVE IT

SIT UP STRAIGHT

The average guy spends 67 minutes a day behind the wheel of his car. Poor driving posture increases your risk of having back, neck and shoulder pain. Here are some ways to avoid these problems:

  • Empty your pockets. A wallet in your back pocket raises one hip above the other, twisting your spine and straining your lower back.

  • Use the lumbar support in your seat, or buy a back-support cushion. It helps maintain the natural curve of your spine. Also tilt your seat back to reduce pressure on your back.

  • Close your window. Or open it all the way. Having the window cracked sends a breeze over your neck, causing stiffness as your muscles contract.

  • Always keep your thumbs on the rim of the steering wheel. Hanging them over the spokes can lead to damaged and sore tendons.

JUST FOR FUN

MAYBE SHE SHOULD’VE BOUGHT A CHEVY

Carol Probst is good with a camera, which is a good thing as her insurance company would likely never have believed her claim that a goat totaled her truck. The Midway, Utah woman grabbed her camera and began snapping photos when she discovered that a goat had made its way into her garage and on top of her Dodge truck.  The goat began walking in circles, stomping on the roof, and using its horns against the windshield and the truck’s paint job.  Animal control finally showed up to put the goat out of commission with a tranquilizer dart and release it back into the mountains.  ***MARLAR: You’d think she would’ve been able to avoid the ram. After all, her truck was a “Dodge!”

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR I.T. GUY IS A REDNECK

  • Got his tattoo using a laser printer

  • Instead of a mouse, uses a possum

  • Has several PCs in his front yard, up on blocks

  • Dog is asleep underneath his front I/O port

  • He has a laptop rack in his truck

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

GOOD NIGHT

What really happens when your head hits the pillow? Sure, sleep fulfills some very basic needs–like maintaining your physical and mental health, not to mention preparing you for those crucial daytime hours. But a lot more happens after the lights go out. Did you know that sleep affects your memory, your heart, and even the health of your teeth? Here, are some of sleep’s strangest facts.

  • Flexing Memory – From a special vacation to a holiday gathering, long-term memories are predominantly formed during sleep when the brain replays recent experiences.

  • Sleep to a Better Beat – A good night’s sleep is essential for a healthy ticker. Lack of sleep can lead to hypertension.

  • Snooze and Smile – Tossing and turning can affect your smile. A Journal of Periodontology study shows that the amount of sleep you get can significantly affect your teeth. Researchers speculate that sleep shortage impairs the body’s immune system, something that can lead to bad teeth.

  • Sleep to Your Own Rhythm – If you find yourself awake and energetic late at night, you may have a genetic mutation. The altered gene may explain why some people prefer late nights.

  • Getting by with Less – Some people can survive on very little sleep, while others require many hours to function normally. If you still perform relatively well when sleep deprived, the reason could be your genes.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

How strong is YOUR faith?  Hundreds of thousands of Christians across India are faced with a sobering ultimatum: hide their faith, or risk harassment, intimidation, and even death. Threats against churches, arson attacks on Christian property, and the harassment and violent abuse of new converts to Christianity are all on the rise in India. Two sisters are among those who have experienced such persecution. They were severely beaten by a group of men from their village after news spread that they had converted to Christianity. Remarkably, they praise God for their experiences. One of the sisters told researchers, “We knew about persecution in theory because the Bible speaks about it… and when it happened, we thanked God for it.” http://bit.ly/29h8RXH

A set of laws restricting Christian expression and evangelism are on their way to being passed in Russia. According to ChristanityToday.com, the laws would ban all evangelism outside of the church and other religious gatherings. They would affect Christian missionary work, preaching, teaching, and other evangelistic activities. The laws have been called the most restrictive in Russia’s post-Soviet history. They have already passed in both Russian legislative bodies, the Duma and the Federation Council. The laws are designed to emphasize the Russian Orthodox Church, which is heavily tied to Russian nationalism. http://dlvr.it/Lh6T5q

The JESUS film, which is often used as an evangelistic tool and has drawn many to Christ around the world, has been translated into eight new languages. This means 6.5 million more people can be reached with the Gospel in their own language. In addition, JESUS Film Project spokesman Joe Class said that people from all eight language groups were given a screening of the film in their respective language. He says the JESUS film is being used as a catalyst for their church planting efforts. http://dlvr.it/LgkC8D

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Well, I sincerely hope you’ve enjoyed listening to today’s program as much as I’ve enjoyed screwing it up.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JULY 29, 2016…

Jason Bourne—Matt Damon is back as Jason Bourne, who seeks to redeem himself—again. His memory came back and he knows what happened to him, so look out those who experimented on him. Sound familiar? Also in the cast are Alicia Vikander and Tommy Lee Jones. “Jason Bourne” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Bad Moms-–This is the tale of three Mom’s who had just had it with schedules, etc. One night they go berserk in a store and from then on inhibitions are out the window. Everyone has a limit.  The stars are Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell and Kathryn Hahn. “Bad Moms” is rated R. No rating.

Equity—Anna Gunn wants to get a job in a top-notch investment film, but finds back-stabbing and bad investments, instead. They go after her when she tries to go public. “Equity” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Indignation—Logan Lerman is a college students who has a crush on a girl in his school. When this becomes public, it also draws attention to him and maybe the Army wants him now. This is adapted from the Philip Roth book and set in the 1950’s. “Indignation” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Weiner Dog—This is really the tender story of a little dachshund who goes from owner to owner because no one really has time for the little creature.  Along its way, it meets a collection of owners from alcoholic to depressed.  Stars include Danny De Vito.  “Weiner Dog” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for animal fans.

AUGUST 05, 2016…

Nine Lives has Kevin Spacey stepping away from “House Of Cards” to be inside a family cat and then learning a lesson on humility.

Suicide Squad is about those evil comic book characters who seek to redeem themselves.  Included are Deadshot, Harley Quinn and the Joker.

Five Nights In Maine is a drama about the loss of a family member starring Dianne Weist and David Oyelowo.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.