August 04, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (To receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show without the sponsor, please contact me!)

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160804

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The program normally heard at this time will be aired. So fasten your seat belt and get out your Dramamine — it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. –2 Timothy 2:15

[Jesus said] “You are the light of the world. Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” — Matthew 5:14-16

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day… — 2 Timothy 4:7-8

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But Moses said to the LORD, “Since I speak with faltering lips, why would Pharaoh listen to me?” — Exodus 6:30

Thought: Moses had to learn the same lesson most of us have to learn: folks really don’t care that much about what we say. If the truth be known, most of us can’t say it very well, anyway. But, when we offer ourselves to the Lord, he truly works through us and uses us in mighty ways. Ol’ Stammerin’ Mo’ is the great testimony that God can take a shepherd with faltering speech and turn him into the greatest leader of his time. Don’t you think we had better ask what God wants to do with us, and get to doing it!

Prayer: Loving Father, please use me in your service. I recognize that all the gifts, abilities, and experiences that I have came from you. All my capabilities are given to me so I can bring you praise. So please enable me to use my abilities for your glory. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:4 NIV = “…the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.”

TODAY IS THURSDAY – AUGUST 04, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
42 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

FOWL BALL DAY. In 1983 Toronto police arrested Yankee outfielder Dave Winfield for “causing unnecessary suffering to an animal” after Winfield threw a baseball during warm-ups, and a seagull was killed when it ran into the ball’s flight path. ***MARLAR: Isn’t that like being arrested for running over a squirrel that runs under your car? And seagulls are uglier!

This is NATIONAL NIGHT OUT. ***MARLAR: For those of you thinking it’s the perfect opportunity to go out for a night on the town – paint the town red, so to speak – well, hold up. This is a night to promote police-community partnerships to fight crime. Then again, there’s no accounting for taste – you might find that romantic.

Today is HUG YOUR CHILD DAY. ***MARLAR: If you don’t have a child, hug somebody else’s. We all need a hug every day.

Today NATIONAL CHOCOLATE CHIP DAY. ***MARLAR: Just hearing that makes today sound so much better, doesn’t it?

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Coast Guard Day

India Pale Ale Beer Day

National Chocolate Chip Day

Single Working Women’s Day

Social Security Day

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, AUGUST 05

National Oyster Day

National Underwear Day

Braham Pie Day (Homemade Pie Day)

International Beer Day

Tomboy Tools Day

Twins Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 06

Hiroshima Day

International Hangover Day (always the day after International Beer Day)

Mead Day

National Fresh Breath Day

National Jamaican Patty Day

National Mustard Day

National Root Beer Float Day

Sandcastle Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 07

Friendship Day

Lighthouse Day

National Doll Day

National Kids’ Day

Sister’s Day

Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day

Professional Speakers Day

Purple Heart Day

MONDAY, AUGUT 08

Earth Over Shoot Day (Ecological Debt Day)

Dalek Day

Assistance Dog Day

International Cat Day

The Date To Create

Happiness Happens Day

Odie Day

Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night

TUESDAY, AUGUST 09

International Day of the World’s Indigenous People

Veep Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10

National Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Paul Bunyan Day

Skyscraper Appreciation Day

Smithsonian Day

S’more Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 11

Presidential Joke Day

Ingersoll Day

ON THIS DAY

1693: Dom Perignon invented champagne. *** Before that, they christened ships with bottles of sparkling deer pee.

1830: The plans for the city of Chicago were laid out. *** And, once the kickbacks, payoffs, and other amenities were taken care of, construction began.

1927: Singer Jimmie Rodgers recorded his first songs for Victor Records in Bristol, Tennessee: “Sleep Baby Sleep” and “Soldier’s Sweetheart.”

1927: The Peace Bridge between the US and Canada opened. *** Then people said, “Wait a minute, we’re connected by LAND!”

1943: While attempting to develop a substitute for rubber, engineer James Wright dropped a lump of gooey stuff on a General Electric laboratory floor and it bounced. Accidentally, he had invented Silly Putty.

1956: Clocked at 210 at Wendover, Utah, William Herz became the first person to race a motorcycle over 200 miles an hour.

1957: The Everly Brothers introduced “Wake Up, Little Susie” on the Ed Sullivan Show. The hit song was banned by many radio stations as being too controversial.

1958: Billboard magazine introduced its “Hot 100” chart, listing the 100 most popular pop singles in the country. The first No. 1 was Ricky Nelson`s “Poor Little Fool.”

1963: A 21-year-old housewife named Connie Smith won a talent contest in Columbus, Ohio. The judge was country star Bill Anderson. Within a year, she had cut her first single, “Once A Day,” which hit #1 on the country charts.

1983: Toronto police arrested Yankee outfielder Dave Winfield for “causing unnecessary suffering to an animal” after Winfield threw a baseball during warm-ups and accidentally killed a seagull.

1987: The U.S. Federal Communications Commission voted to rescind the Fairness Doctrine, which required radio and television stations to present balanced coverage of controversial issues.

1992: Actor Charlie Sheen bought the baseball Mookie Wilson bounced through first baseman Bill Buckner’s legs, ending Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. He paid $93,500 for it.

1993: Heavy rocker Kurt Cobain checked into Cedar-Sinai Hospital to be treated for heroin addiction. He committed suicide in April 1994.

1996: A 36-year-old man climbed a 400-foot Miami radio tower demanding to be Bob Dole’s vice-presidential running mate to spread his message that God wanted more horses and bicycles and less asphalt in the world. Police talked the man down safely after seven hours.

1998: Someone stole the Tyrannosaurus rex’s eyeball from the Youth Museum in Beckley, West Virginia. The eye thief left a football-size hole in the rex’s head, and apparently pried out the artificial eye with other visitors in the museum.

1999: Randy Kerfoot of East Ridge, Tennessee, claimed the Georgia Lottery’s largest payout ever after winning the $116-million Big Game jackpot. He selected the lump-sum option for $59-million, or $38.9 million after taxes.

2002: While a Japanese news crew filmed a story warning tourists in Rome how to avoid being robbed by pickpockets, three children stole their wallets.

2004: Republicans launched an attack on the war record of Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, with a TV ad blitz that Republican Senator John McCain called “dishonest and dishonorable.”

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1792: By order of revolutionaries, all houses of worship close in France.

1892: English medical missionary Sir Wilfred T. Grenfell arrives in Labrador, Newfoundland. He labored as a physician and missionary for 42 years and was instrumental in building orphanages, hospitals, cooperative stores, and other community organizations.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • race car driver Jeff Gordon 45

  • actor (T.J. on “Gimore Girls”, Andy Sipowicz Jr. on “NYPD Blue”, Tony Piccolo on “Seaquest DSV”, son of Dom Deluise) Michael DeLuise 47 (audio clip)

  • Actress (The Joy Luck Club, In Good Company) Lauren Tom, 55

  • U.S. President Barack Obama, 55

  • Actor (Bad News Bears, Bad Santa, Pushing Tin) Billy Bob Thornton, 61

  • Comedian/actor (Det. John Munch on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”) Richard Belzer, 73 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1901 : Louis Armstrong

1921 : Herb Ellis

1930 : Bobby Day

1936 : Elsbeary Hobbs (The Drifters)

1939 : Frankie Ford

1939 : Big Dee Irwin

1940 : Larry Knechtel (Bread)

1941 : Timi Yuro

1943 : David Carr (The Fortunes)

1947 : Paul Layton (The New Seekers)

1947 : Klaus Schultze (Tangerine Dream)

1951 : Roy Flowers (Sweet Sensation)

1952 : Maire Ni Bhraonian (Clannad)

1958 : Ian Broudie (The Lightning Seeds)

1959 : Robbin Crosby (Ratt)

1962 : Paul Reynolds (A Flock Of Seagulls)

1971 : Yo-Yo

1981 : Marques Houston (Immature)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Do possums really play dead?

The possum–the full name is opossum–is a North American mammal about the size of a cat. It looks pretty ratty, and in fact one variety is called the rat opossum. The most distinctive thing about the glamourless possum is how it reacts to predators. When it can’t run or hide, and hissing and showing its teeth do not impress an enemy, the possum feigns death. But here’s the catch: it’s not “playing.” This isn’t an act and the animal can’t control it. Its muscles stiffen out of sheer terror. The good news is that the predator is then likely to go away, sparing the possum’s life. Imagine how many years of twice-a-week psychotherapy the possum probably needs after such trauma, not to mention a prescription for an antidepressant.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett is an over achiever. She posted: Dropped my phone and shattered the screen AND the mophie case.

Greg Laurie: What if you prayed as often as you check Twitter?

Mandisa says her Good Mornings usually don’t happen very early. She posted: Ironically, I sing Good Morning more often at night than I do morning. Truth be told, I prefer it that way!

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is working on new music for the band and he says not to expect a remake of the bands last album. Jon posted: Diving seriously into writing for next hawk album. Don’t want just to do the same thing all over again. Steeping in new influences.

Danny Gokey and his wife Leyicet are now on Snapchat. Follow them by using the Username: danny_leyicet

A reminder from Matt Maher that Jesus understands the plight of refugees. He posted: Jesus was a refugee when His family fled from a dictator and genocide to Egypt.

Worship leader Lincoln Brewster can make even a toy instrument sound good. Check out his guitar licks on a Disney toy guitar recorded in his local Walmart.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BIHLB8_AUDH/

Mandisa recently shared openly about her struggles earlier this year. She posted: A few months ago I was in a pretty deep depression. I isolated myself and closed out all of my loved ones, including God. Eventually, I felt so hopeless and far away from my heavenly Father that I could see no way out of the self-imposed pit that I climbed into. While Mandisa is now on the other side of the valley, she says the Casting Crowns new song “One Step Away” is one you should listen to if you are going through similar circumstances.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=xrPJZYywTuA

In 1996 Third Day released their national debut album. Now, for the first time ever, the band’s self-titled album is available on VINYL. However, you can only purchase it at Third Day’s online store.

Good news from Natalie Grant. She recently shared that her nephew who had been a heroin addict has come to faith in Christ. Natalie’s nephew, named Christian, is currently serving time in prison, and Grant and her sister Jennifer recently visited him there. Natalie shared: “I got to hear about the hope and comfort he’s found in Jesus. I also got to hear how hard it is, how lonely he feels and the regret he carries. Although Christian still has a couple more years to serve in prison, Grant says she is encouraged to see that he is taking responsibility for his actions and is seeking to grow in his faith.

http://dlvr.it/LvyVGZ

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

In Germany a guy was released from jail after serving time for theft. He walked out of jail and promptly stole a police officer’s bicycle and rode away. He didn’t get very far before he was rearrested.  *** I believe Red would say this guy is “institutionalized”.

 The Smithsonian is seeking a beer expert to record the beverage’s history and influence on American culture. The work will contribute to a number of related exhibits within the National Museum of American History in Washington DC, including the Food History Project.  ***And if your favorite beer is Miller Lite, you’re probably not qualified.

A New York state man called 911 because he wanted a date. A sheriff’s patrol rushed to the guy’s home, believing a crime was in progress. When deputies arrived, the man claimed he had called as a joke and “wanted to see a hot chick.”  ***Maybe they can drive by the female prison while taking him to jail.

Officials in Florida are attempting to allow the dumping of more toxic chemicals into the state’s water supply.  ***Because apparently their citizens aren’t acting crazy enough and need a little encouragement to keep Florida in the funny-papers.

While retailers are making their own coupons and even manufacturers’ coupons available through mobile apps, customers still prefer to clip and carry around paper coupons. For every one online coupon redeemed, 48 paper ones are redeemed.  ***You just mowed down another ten acres of rain forest to save 30-cents on that cream of chicken soup.  I hope you’re happy.

A teacher in Britain has quit her job to become a full-time Pokemon GO player. 26-year-old Sophia Pedraza plans to cash in on the craze by pounding the streets to collect virtual characters and then sell her accounts on eBay.  ***Somebody needs to PokeStop this madness.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Listerine financed a poll that asked what’s the most embarrassing thing that can happen on a first-date. Among teens and young adults, bad breath apparently is the most embarrassing thing that can happen on a first-date.  *** They obviously never went on any of (OTHER JOCK’S) first dates.

Some health experts are now saying that advances in science will eventually enable humans to live decades beyond current age trends. ***MARLAR: The problem is finding something to watch on TV for 200 years that doesn’t make you want to give up and end it all yourself.

According to a CDC study, nine out of ten teenagers aren’t getting enough fruits or vegetables.  *** But are they getting tons of sugar…and caffeine.  So it all balances out.

Scientists report that your hair is about as strong as aluminum.  *** But it is a lot easier to comb.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “911 Emergency”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kerri Pomarolli, “My Generation”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king. So all of the animals went out searching all throughout the jungle to find a replacement king… someone to be king so Louis wouldn’t have to. And it looks like they’re getting pretty close!

CLOSE: Being king of the jungle is an awful big responsibility… and it looks like it requires an awful big crown too! But the crown doesn’t fit Louis, so there must be someone else around that can be king! We’ll find out who next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 06/07

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We’ve secretly replaced our normal episode of As the Jungle Turns with a story that takes place on Razzleflabbin Island, where Marvy Snuffelson and all of the Razzleflabbins are about to come face to face with another Razzleflabbin… a Razzleflabbin that is PLAID! Let’s see if our audience notices…

CLOSE: You might think it’s a bit silly to be afraid of the someone that’s different – but how would you feel if someone came running up to you that was covered in stripes and lines all over his body? Maybe this Plaid Guy really is dangerous! Find out more next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Hey be sure to go by and visit grandma more often. You wouldn’t want her to get bored. Otherwise she’s libel to stage a fake bank robbery.

That’s what one 80-year-old granny did in Austria. The woman, known only as Elfriede, said out of sheer boredom she went into a bank, armed with a toy pistol and hissed at the cashier, “This is a stick up!” She then started laughing when she saw the cashier’s terrified face. The bank employee said, “My heart stopped for a second. But when she started laughing I realized that it was just a joke.” Granny told the court that she had done it just “for a laugh.” The judge told her there was nothing funny about it, sentenced her to a three year suspended sentence, and warned her he wouldn’t be so lenient if she tried it again during the next three years. Elfriede answered back, “If I live that long. But thanks.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CHRISTIAN PICK-UP LINES

10. Nice bible”

9. “I would like to pray with you”

8. “You know Jesus? Me too!”

7. “God told me to come talk to you”

6. “Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.”

5. “Christians don’t shake hands, Christians gotta hug!”

4. “The word says ‘Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry,’ So…how about dinner?”

3. “You want to come over and watch ‘The 10 Commandments’ tonight?”

2. “Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?”

1. “My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah that’s his name.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A South Carolina robber uses a pitchfork to rob a bank… and gets away!

FILE #1: …So far, finding him has been like looking for a needle in a haystack.  The man, wearing sunglasses and a mask, entered Security Federal Bank and threatened employees with the 4-foot-long pitchfork. The man took an undisclosed amount of money.  The robber dropped the farm tool as he ran from the bank through a wooded area to a golf course behind the bank.  No customers were in the bank during the holdup, and no one was injured.

FILE #2: Laughter might be the best medicine, but it doesn’t do much for driving. A Wisconsin man is blaming an uncontrollable fit of laughter for causing him to crash his van into a utility pole. 29-year-old Daniel Ellis told police that his passenger, Brenda Williams, was making him laugh as he drove the streets of Kenosha. He laughed so hard that he started coughing and lost control of his van. He swerved off the road and slammed into a light pole. The van and the pole took the worst of the damage and neither Daniel nor Brenda was seriously hurt. ***MARLAR: Can you charge someone with driving under the influence of the giggles?

FILE #3: Ronald Cherry wanted to rob the Treasure Bay Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi, but was hoping they would deliver him the cash instead of going there himself! He called the casino and demanded they deliver $100,000 to his home within two hours otherwise he’d come down there with a gun! Like with any expected delivery, Ronald of course gave them his address. But unlike pizza places, casinos don’t deliver. The address he gave them, however, made it really easy for the police to arrest him.

STRANGE LAW: In Australia, children may not legally purchase cigarettes, but they can legally smoke them.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This one may sound like a joke, and you might be waiting for a punch line, but I assure you this is a true story. A one-armed drunk driver has been banned from driving for 18 months. Not only was this one-armed driver drunk, but he sped through a red light and, when he was pulled over, he was holding his mobile phone to his ear.

PHONER PHUN

People complain about their jobs all of time – but some people actually like their job. And others even LOVE their jobs. If that’s you, tell us how much you love your job!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What miracle is recorded in all four gospels?
ANSWER: Loaves and Fishes – A little boy’s lunch fed thousands! (Matthew 14:17-21, Mark 6:38-44, Luke 9:12-17, John 6:5-14)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Oil is the world’s top commodity. What comes in second?

ANSWER: Coffee

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The space between your eyebrows is called the “glabella.” (True)

2. Giraffes sleep only 20 minutes a day. (True – and at only five minutes at a time.)

3. The practice of manicuring nails is more than 4,000 years old. (True)

4. Amathophobia is a morbid fear of rocks. (False – fear of dust)

5. Yak hair is considered the best kind of hair from which to make a clown wig. (True – probably because “yak” is funny to say!)

6. In circus parlance, a “Joey” is a clown with less than five years of experience. (False – MORE than five years of experience)

7. The Roman word for “secretary” meant “one who keeps a secret.” (True)

8. Half of all antibiotics sold in the U.S. go into animal feed. (True)

9. The leaf on the Canadian flag has 10 points. (False – eleven)

10. Another word for a guitar pick is “plick stick”. (False – “plectrum.”)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

Woman Takes Husband’s ________ To Steelers Game!  (ASHES)

Though Richard Desrosiers never actually made it to Heinz Field to watch his beloved Steelers play in person — his widow helped him fulfill his dream in death. Thanks to some help from sympathetic donors, Kathleen Desrosiers attended the recent Steelers/Jaguars match up with an urn of her late husband’s ashes, his wedding ring and a picture of him sitting beside her. Kathleen said, “I couldn’t take the tumor away. I couldn’t take the pain away. I couldn’t make him better. But I can do this.” Too bad the Steelers lost 29-22.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Little Johnny’s Mom asked him, “How high can you count?”

Johnny proudly replied “433!”

She then asked, “Why did you stop counting?”

He answered, “‘Cause church was over.”

JOKE #2

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

JOKE #3

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
”Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
”Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

USELESS FACTS

A study by Carnegie Mellon University found that women make less money than men because they aren’t aggressive enough to demand more money the way men do.  ***MARLAR: Whoa… so the problem is that we need more demanding and aggressive women?

A study from Vanderbilt University showed that you can burn up 40 calories by laughing genuinely from 10 to 15 minutes. ***MARLAR: Although around here we’re perfectly fine if you fake it.

FEATURED FUNNIES

CHROME PLATE

A man goes into his dentist’s office. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What have you been eating?”

“Well,” says the man, “the only thing I can think of is the stuff my wife put on some asparagus about four months ago… hollandaise sauce she called it. This sauce is DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything… meat, fish, toast, vegetables…you name it!”
“That’s probably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I’ll have to install a new plate. I’ll make it out of chrome this time.”

“Why chrome?” the man asked.
“Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

JOB OPENING

Looking for work? There’s a cutting edge job opening that you might want to consider… assuming you don’t mind having sharp objects around you at all times.

I understand that with the economy today, you may be looking for a new job. But you’d have to be pretty desperate to accept this one. A circus knife thrower is looking for a new target. It seems that he’s accidentally, uh… “speared” several of his former helpers. Last year Jayde Hanson accidentally stabbed his girlfriend for the third time in three years during his circus act. Not surprisingly, she walked out on him – and even claimed that he was trying to kill her. Jayde’s latest stand-in, an acrobat, is giving up after an injury that left her needing three stitches. He says that he doesn’t do this king of thing on purpose, he just gets distracted sometimes during his act… especially if someone uses a flash camera in the audience. So if you’re looking for a job, the circus spokesman, Paul Webb, says, “The person we are looking for will need nerves of steel and more faith than the Pope.” ***MARLAR: A your life insurance paid up.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

NO TIME
I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.

So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.

All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer.
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They’d laugh at me I’d fear.

No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.

I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book;
It was the book of life.

God looked into his book and said
“Your name I cannot find.
I once was going to write it down…
But never found the time”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

AN ATTITUDE CHANGE

Read: Ephesians 5:8-14

You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light. –Ephesians 5:8

Pastor and author A. W. Tozer wrote, “Human nature is not fixed, and for this we should thank God day and night! We are still capable of change. We can become something other than what we are.”

The priority of our lives should be to let God change us. But what should be our attitude toward believers who have shown little or no change over the years? Too often we develop a critical spirit, which only reinforces their problems and may hinder God’s work in changing them. Here are three such accusing attitudes:

1. “They never do anything right.” (No one does everything wrong!)

2. “They’ve always been the way they are.” (Maybe, but God is powerful and able to change them.)

3. “They’ll never change.” (We can’t know that. We can only trust God, who knows their hearts.)

Sometimes we even have these attitudes about ourselves: “I can’t do anything right. I’ve always been this way. I’ll never change.”

We may not be able to change the attitudes and actions of others, but with God’s help we can take charge of our own–if we’re willing. We can choose to “walk as children of light” (Eph. 5:8)

LEFTOVERS

What’s the longest you’ve waited to have something delivered? One person waited over sixty years!

A month ago my wife and I went to Dallas – and to save the cost of paying extra for luggage that would have to be checked, we decided to mail a big box overnight full of our clothes, toiletries, etc. It worked beautifully. We weren’t in as big of a hurry to get the box home from the trip, so instead of overnighting it we just sent it regular first class. It took three weeks to get it – we thought it was lost forever. I guess we shouldn’t have been surprised the U.S. Post Office would take so long in delivering something – three weeks is nothing compared to these two stories:

  • In Anchorage, Alaska, in a three-day span Teresa Childs received two postcards from Italy addressed to James Jigliotti, who lived in the home several years ago. One postcard was dated March 9, 1982, while the other bore a 1982 postmark from Vatican City. Both carried stamps purchased with lira, which aren’t in circulation anymore, and both were from James’ mother, Olga Jigliotti. And we’re fairly sure it’s the fault of the U.S Postal Service, because Pam Wyrick, who lives in another house where the Jigliottis once lived, said she recently received postcards that James mailed to his parents from Atlanta in 1997 and 1998.

  • A letter lost in the U.S. postal system for nearly 60 years turned up in the mailbox of a Lawrence, Kansas, woman last Friday (July 25, 2008). The letter, postmarked November 11, 1948, was found by Xan Wedel in her mailbox. The letter never reached its destination – Ruth Willisten in Rockfall, Connecticut – but it took nearly 60 years for the letter to come back to the return address, where Wedel now lives. Stamped on the envelope was “Return to Sender” and “Found in supposedly empty equipment.” The letter details how the town was “in mourning” after Harry S. Truman beat Thomas E. Dewey for the presidency of the United States. The election would have taken place just days before the letter was postmarked.

LIFE… LIVE IT

THE BEST JOBS

These are REAL JOBS! Obviously, I’m just in the wrong career! Do any of these sound appealing to you? I’ll bet they do!

  • Lotion Tester — You get paid to lie on a beach and test suntan lotions.

  • Ice cream Taster — The only requirements are discriminating taste buds and a willingness to sample hundreds of gallons of ice cream a year.

  • Toy-Enjoyment Controller — You spend your entire working day playing with toys to determine which ones will be a hit with kids.

  • Video Game Expert — You play the latest computer games, then share your knowledge with people who call for help.

  • World Travel Writer — You explore the world’s most exotic locales, then write about’ your adventures. All expenses are covered.

  • Ferrari Test Driver — A typical day involves cruising the scenic Italian countryside at top speeds in the world’s most exotic sports car.

  • Yachting Partners — You go on all-expense paid cruises aboard five-star ocean liners. Your only responsibility; you must socialize with people who are single.

  • TV Sports Viewers — You watch hours of taped sporting events to select the plays that will be included in news and blooper programs. (OTHER JOCK) would kill for this job!

JUST FOR FUN

SEND IN THE CLOWNS
There’s an elderly woman in Florida who owes her life to… clowns!

…The woman is now safe after being trapped in an elevator for two days in temperatures of over 100 degrees! Thankfully, some clowns performing at a nearby magic shop heard her cries for help. The clowns then called the Winter Haven Fire Department who rushed to the scene to find the elevator stuck between two floors and the building’s air conditioning system off. They rescued the woman who was taken to the hospital. ***MARLAR: In their tiny little clown car.

FUN LIST

Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:

  • Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

  • You spot the telltale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.

  • Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.

  • The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

  • Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

SMILE AWHILE

The eyes have it. Researchers have found that looking directly into someone’s eyes and smiling makes you more attractive to them.

The finding from the Face Research Laboratory at Aberdeen University disputes previous studies that have attributed attractiveness to physical characteristics, such as certain facial features. In the study, participants were found to be more attracted to happy faces, looking directly at them and of the opposite sex. Researchers say this shows that people prefer faces that appear to like them and that attraction is not just about looks.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Christian apologist and preacher Ravi Zacharias is warning that American culture is “at the cliff’s precipitous edge and the fall could be long and deadly.” According to Descret News National, Ravi Zacharias wrote in a blog post that he encounters people all over the world who are wondering what’s happening to the U.S. The pastor said that the broader question, though, should center on what has happened to the “American soul,” explaining why he believes culture has come to the edge of what he and many other faith leaders see as a dangerous cliff. He says, “We have a deep crisis of the soul that is killing us morally and we have no recourse because the only cure has been disparaged and mocked by the elite and the powerful.” Ravi continued, “There always has been, and is now more than ever, only one hope for rescue… if we abide in God’s truth revealed in his Son, then we shall know the truth and the truth will set us free.” http://bit.ly/29kYlP9

The battle against smoking is one of the hardest to win. It takes determination, commitment and hard work to walk away from something you’ve done the majority of your life. With each disturbing commercial, new warning and loss of life, people are putting out there last cigarette and taking strides to a healthier way of living.  Deciding to never light up again is a huge accomplishment, so after the last pack is through, how do you start repairing the damage that has been done?  Read the article from NewTheory.com to find out!  http://ow.ly/Jcty301ZHvb

A New York startup wants to take computer-assisted language translation to the next level. The company’s earpiece technology could allow two users to converse face to face, without a human translator and without any understanding of each other’s mother tongue. The system consists of two Bluetooth earpieces that connect wirelessly with a smartphone. Place one in your ear and give the other to the person you want to speak with. Bring up the language to be translated in the system’s smartphone app, and it will translate your conversation in real time. ***Star Trek is becoming more real every day!  https://world.wng.org/2016/06/freedom_of_speech

Just how much has music changed over the years? The Rob Mills family decided to find out. They re-wrote the Hymn Leaning on the Everlasting Arms based on what it might have sounded like if it was written in a different time. Check out the old words with a variety of new tunes, ranging from big band to the Beach Boys to Garth Brooks. https://www.youtube.com/embed/0jwkpd2nAto

A new study suggests that people should get married between the ages of 28 and 32 if they don’t want to get divorced, at least in the first five years. A sociologist at the University of Utah analyzed data from 2006-2010 and the 2011-2013 National Survey of Family Growth. He found that the odds of divorce decline as you age from your teenage years through your late twenties and early thirties. However, the chances of divorce go up again as you move into your late thirties and early forties. According to the study, after about 32, the chance of divorce goes up about 5% each year. http://ti.me/1HIYtUt

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If God had wanted man to fly, he would have given us wings — big metal ones, powered by fuel pumped out of the earth, and also a large steel fuselage to protect us from the elements. Oh, and God, wouldn’t forget the honey cashews and ample legroom in business class, either.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JULY 29, 2016…

Jason Bourne—Matt Damon is back as Jason Bourne, who seeks to redeem himself—again. His memory came back and he knows what happened to him, so look out those who experimented on him. Sound familiar? Also in the cast are Alicia Vikander and Tommy Lee Jones. “Jason Bourne” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Bad Moms-–This is the tale of three Mom’s who had just had it with schedules, etc. One night they go berserk in a store and from then on inhibitions are out the window. Everyone has a limit.  The stars are Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell and Kathryn Hahn. “Bad Moms” is rated R. No rating.

Equity—Anna Gunn wants to get a job in a top-notch investment film, but finds back-stabbing and bad investments, instead. They go after her when she tries to go public. “Equity” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Indignation—Logan Lerman is a college students who has a crush on a girl in his school. When this becomes public, it also draws attention to him and maybe the Army wants him now. This is adapted from the Philip Roth book and set in the 1950’s. “Indignation” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Weiner Dog—This is really the tender story of a little dachshund who goes from owner to owner because no one really has time for the little creature.  Along its way, it meets a collection of owners from alcoholic to depressed.  Stars include Danny De Vito.  “Weiner Dog” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for animal fans.

AUGUST 05, 2016…

Nine Lives has Kevin Spacey stepping away from “House Of Cards” to be inside a family cat and then learning a lesson on humility.

Suicide Squad is about those evil comic book characters who seek to redeem themselves.  Included are Deadshot, Harley Quinn and the Joker.

Five Nights In Maine is a drama about the loss of a family member starring Dianne Weist and David Oyelowo.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.