August 05, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160805

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Boy, it’s great coming to work every day and talking to you guys. My wife won’t let me talk at home!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“A faithful man will abound with blessings, but he who makes haste to be rich will not go unpunished.” –Proverbs 28:20

This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it — the Lord is his name: Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. — Jeremiah 33:2-3

Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. — Psalm 71:18

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

O LORD my God, I take refuge in you; save and deliver me from all who pursue me… — Psalm 7:1

Thought: Who or what is pursuing you? Is it a past mistake? Is it an old enemy? Is it your conscience? Is it a nagging sense of guilt? Is it someone who wants to do you physical harm? Is it a physical illness? In the middle of all the storms and struggles of life, where do you go to find peace and security? There is only One who can be a true and lasting refuge. Just One!

Prayer: Father God, you are my refuge and source of strength when my courage is gone and my soul is weary. Please, dear Father, destroy all the forces and powers and enemies that pursue me and seek to take me captive and draw me away from you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:5 NIV = Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – AUGUST 05, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
43 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is WORK LIKE A DOG DAY, a day to celebrate your success.  ***MARLAR: If you think about it, how do you “work like a dog?” You eat whenever you want, you sleep as long as you want, play whenever you want, chew on whatever you want, and get lots of attention just by wagging your tail. What part of that is considered WORK?

Today is NATIONAL FAILURES DAY.  ***MARLAR: Now that’s interesting… while today is “Work Like a Dog Day” – to celebrate your success, today is also “National Failures Day.”  Of course, in order to be a success, you can’t be a failure – and if you’re going to celebrate “National Failures Day,” you’d have to do it in a way that’s unsuccessful.

Today is NATIONAL WAFFLE DAY.  ***MARLAR: A big day in Washington D.C.

NATIONAL CHIGGER WEEK begins today. ***MARLAR: Most of us will be celebrating with Chigger-Rid. You’re more likely to be chigger-chewed this week than any other week of the year. Primarily because A) there are more chiggers than any other time of the year, and B) humans taste of chicken.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

National Oyster Day

National Underwear Day

Braham Pie Day (Homemade Pie Day)

International Beer Day

Tomboy Tools Day

Twins Day

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, AUGUST 06

Hiroshima Day

International Hangover Day (always the day after International Beer Day)

Mead Day

National Fresh Breath Day

National Jamaican Patty Day

National Mustard Day

National Root Beer Float Day

Sandcastle Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 07

Friendship Day

Lighthouse Day

National Doll Day

National Kids’ Day

Sister’s Day

Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day

Professional Speakers Day

Purple Heart Day

MONDAY, AUGUT 08

Earth Over Shoot Day (Ecological Debt Day)

Dalek Day

Assistance Dog Day

International Cat Day

The Date To Create

Happiness Happens Day

Odie Day

Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night

TUESDAY, AUGUST 09

International Day of the World’s Indigenous People

Veep Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10

National Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Paul Bunyan Day

Skyscraper Appreciation Day

Smithsonian Day

S’more Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 11

Presidential Joke Day

Ingersoll Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 12

Kool-Aid Day

IBM PC Day

International Youth Day

Milkman Day

Sewing Machine Day

Shop Online For Groceries Day

Vinyl Record Day

World Elephant Day

Worldwide Art Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 13

International Lefthander’s Day

Middle Child Day

National Bowling Day

National Garage Sale Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 14

Chef Appreciation Day

International Rose’ Day

National Navajo Code Talkers Day

V-J Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 15

Best Friends Day

Chauvin Day

Check The Chip Day

Cupcake Day

National Relaxation Day

National No Spongebob Day

ON THIS DAY

1833: Chicago was incorporated as a village with a population of about 200.

1861: The U.S. Army abolished flogging. *** And immediately replaced it with a new torture called a “push up”.

1861: The US levied its first income tax (three percent of incomes over eight hundred dollars). *** But since only three people made over eight hundred dollars, there wasn’t much point to it.

1914: America’s first electric traffic lights were installed in Cleveland, Ohio at the corner of Euclid Avenue & East 105th Street. *** But since no one knew what the heck it meant, it wasn’t very effective.

1936: American Jesse Owens won the 200-meter dash at the Berlin Olympics, while his teammate, Mack Robinson, finished second. Mack’s little brother, Jackie, later would break the color barrier in major-league baseball.

1953: The film “From Here To Eternity” premiered in the U.S. It starred Burt Lancaster, Deborah Kerr, Montgomery Clift, Donna Reed, Frank Sinatra, and Ernest Borgnine.

1957: “American Bandstand,” hosted by Dick Clark, made its network TV debut on ABC. The first record played was Buddy Holly’s “That’ll Be the Day.” (audio clip)

1959: “Have Rocket, Will Travel” starring the Three Stooges premiered in Cincinnati.

1962: Actress Marilyn Monroe as found dead in her Los Angeles home at age 36. Her death was ruled a probable suicide from an overdose of sleeping pills.

1965: Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs earned a gold record for “Woolly Bully.” Sam’s real name is Domingo Samudio. He’s a Texan.

1974: Joan Jett formed her rock group, the Runaways.

1989: Xu Chong Wei won history’s largest game of musical chairs in Singapore. The game began at the Anglo-Chinese school with 8,238 players.

1994: Comedian Bill Cosby was ordered to pay damages for assaulting a photographer who had sued for $2-million. The damage award was 20-cents.

1996: English scientists said they would glue bar codes on Antarctic penguins to help discover clues to how the world’s environment is changing. Researchers believe penguin behavior may hold the key to understanding Antarctica.

2002: Exactly 1,135 mothers in Berkeley, California, set a new Guinness record for “Most Women Breast-Feeding Simultaneously.” The previous record was held by 767 Australian women. To promote the health benefits of breast-feeding, the Berkley moms marched from a park for the mass nurse-in at a nearby theater.

2012: Florida resident Claudia Ambroziak was charged after allegedly touching a police officer in an attempt to demonstrate how her husband had been choking her. *** “He choked me like this…(ARRRRGH!)…and then he grabbed me like this…and…”

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

642: Oswald, the king of Northumbria who first began the official establishment of Christianity in England, is “martyred” in battle against the pagan Penda of Mercia. Converted at Iona, Scotland, Oswald erected a wooden cross before one of his earliest battles and commanded his soldiers to pray. When he defeated the English king in that battle, Oswald commissioned the Irish monk Aidan to begin establishing Christianity.

1570: Spanish Jesuits, intent on converting the Native Americans, arrive in Chesapeake Bay, Virginia. Six months later, Native Americans massacred the group, and the Jesuits ended their work in the region.

1604: John Eliot, the “Apostle to American Indians,” is baptized. He succeeded in converting over 3,600 Native American, publishing the Bay Psalm Book (the first book printed in America), and forming the Society for the Propagation of the Gospel.

1656: Eight Quakers from England arrive in Boston, where Puritans of the Massachusetts Bay Colony immediately imprisoned them without trial. They were held until the ships that brought them were ready to take them back to England.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Soul Man”, Durango Kids) Brendon Ryan Barrett 28

  • Actor (The Single Guy) Jonathan Silverman, 50

  • Actress/model Tawny Kitaen, 55

  • Actress (“The Brady Bunch’s” Marcia Brady) Maureen McCormick, 60 (audio clip)

  • actress (“WKRP in Cincinnati”) Loni Anderson 70 (audio clip)

  • actor (“Dynasty”, “Falcon Crest”) John Saxon 81 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1397 : Guillaume Dufay

1926 : Jeri Southern

1940 : Damita Jo

1941 : Airto Moreira (Weather Report)

1942 : Rick Huxley (The Dave Clark Five)

1943 : Sammi Smith

1946 : Jimmy Webb

1947 : Rick Derringer (Edgar Winter Group, The McCoys)

1947 : Greg Leskiw (The Guess Who)

1953 : Samantha Sang

1959 : Pete Burns (Dead Or Alive)

1959 : Pat Smear (Foo Fighters)

1964 : Adam Yauch aka M.C.A. (Beastie Boys)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is the college degree called a “bachelor’s” degree?

Because originally a “bachelor” was a soldier not old enough or rich enough to lead his retainers into battle under his own banner. Therefore, the word meant a person of inferior rank. It was applied to the college degree in order to differentiate it from the higher degree of “doctor.”

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Mark Hall was playing a new game recently, titled What I Hate in 5 Words. Mark’s five word submission: My mirror in the morning.

Having a Switchfoot T-shirt can even help you find the perfect spouse. One of the bands fans posted: I saw a guy with a Switchfoot t-shirt in the movie theatre. After 7 years, here we are. Mr. and Mrs. Morales.

Ryan Stevenson shared an item on his bucket list recently. He posted: I’d really love to go on an adventure with Bear Grylls.

An endorsement you don’t hear every day; one fan posted: We Are Messenger’s music is the perfect music to listen to when making chocolate peanut butter popcorn with my doggy friend.

Question of the day from Family Life Today: What are you believing God to do that only He can do?

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard says even boarding a plane can impact him. He posted: Boarding a plane still makes me feel like life’s possibilities are endless and we live in a world of beauty and wonder. http://ift.tt/2abtVPu

Casting Crowns Juan Devevo announced that he is working on a new, heart-felt French drama about household items that come to life and teach us that there is great value even if you attempt something. He says it’s entitled “Toilé Tries”. Juan then added that he is actually just walking around the house taking random pictures. https://www.instagram.com/p/BISzldzhBLO/

Question of the day from Todd Smith: So, how’s everyone feeling about the election? If you could vote for someone other than the two candidates who would it be?

NeedToBreathe has their own cookie. The band posted: Do not visit Charleston without eating a “Needtobreathe Cookie” from King Street Cookies. Money from the NeedtoBreathe cookies go to benefit the organization One World Health. https://twitter.com/rachelelawing/status/756154907724423168

Citizenway member David Blascoe is curious. He posted: So I just found 7 baseballs in the band van. Now he wants to know why they are there.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Rihanna is warning her fans not to play Pokemon Go during her shows.  ***Those are dancers, not Pickachu – so stay in your seat.

Just days ahead of the Olympic Games, the waterways of Rio de Janeiro are reportedly contaminated with raw human sewage teeming with dangerous viruses and bacteria.  *** So it’s kinda like living in Flint, Michigan.

South African golfer Jaco Van Zyl believes the Zika virus is an overplayed and convenient excuse for the top golfers to not take part in the Rio Olympics. ***Yeah, but then you don’t have to fetch your own balls out of the feces-filled water hazards, do you Jaco.

A new CBS News poll finds that Hillary Clinton has taken the lead in the presidential race following last week’s Democratic convention. The former secretary of State has the support of 46% of registered voters, compared to 39% for Donald Trump.  *** Expect Donald to begin shouting that the election polls are rigged.. in 3… 2… 1…

President Obama declared at a press conference that Donald Trump is unfit for office.  ***And then demanded to see his birth certificate.

HP executive and leading Republican Meg Whitman is supporting Hillary Clinton for president.  *** And now we know why Trump keeps asking why we can’t use nuclear weapons… his target is Meg Whitman.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Great news for kids: Doctors are taking a stand on the benefits of recess, and not just for the exercise. It’s just as important to children’s development as class time is. The American Academy of Pediatrics is officially advocating a scheduled break during the school day. A pediatrician with the AAP says, “Children need to have downtime between complex cognitive challenges. They tend to be less able to process information the longer they are held to a task.”  ***MARLAR: I wish this had been in effect when I was in school.  Recess as an actual class – it would’ve been the one class that I didn’t have to go back to Summer School for!

Research suggests Americans waste more food than they realize — more than $161 billion each year.  *** So beginning immediately, on trash day we’ll have a regular bin, a recycle bin, and a Mystery-Meat Leftovers Bin.

For many moms, social media is both a blessing and a curse. In a survey of 7,000 U.S. mothers, 42% said that they sometimes suffer from Pinterest stress — the worry that they’re not crafty or creative enough. ***Have you thought about maybe uninstalling Pinterest from your phone?  Just a thought.

A new study finds that poor posture from texting is becoming an epidemic.  *** Also, an alarming number of hunched over people have been walking blindly intro traffic!

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Do Not Turn Upside Down”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Book of Genesis”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king. So all of the animals went out to find a new king… and they’ve found a really big throne – and a really big crown! Then the animals asked Louis to try the crown on…

CLOSE: The searching has finally paid off! The animals have finally found a new king! Or have they? This older lion seems to like to nap a lot. What kind of king would he be? Tune in again next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 06/07

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We’ve secretly replaced our normal episode of As the Jungle Turns with a story that takes place on Razzleflabbin Island, where Marvy Snuffelson and all of the Razzleflabbins are about to come face to face with another Razzleflabbin… a Razzleflabbin that is PLAID! Let’s see if our audience notices…

CLOSE: You might think it’s a bit silly to be afraid of the someone that’s different – but how would you feel if someone came running up to you that was covered in stripes and lines all over his body? Maybe this Plaid Guy really is dangerous! Find out more next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Is it really such a great idea to get a body piercing? 

Body-piercings seem to be extremely popular now – but most people don’t take into consideration the dangers they are putting themselves into once they have those piercings… one woman’s piercing became a very scary Moment of Duh.  While vacationing in Corfu Island, Greece, 26-year-old Becky Nyang had to be hospitalized after being struck by lightning. She ended up with severe blisters and burns on her mouth, tongue and face. Doctors said the lightening probably would have missed her except for her deciding it was a good idea to get a tongue stud.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN FUN WAYS TO ORDER PIZZA

10. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

9. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.

8. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

7. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”

6. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

5. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”

4. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and… action!”

3. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

2. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

1. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Criminals bragging about their exploits is always a bad idea… and usually lands them in jail… as well as the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: There’s this guy sitting in jail in Austria serving a 3-month sentence for DUI. All we know is the guy’s first name is Roberto and soon after being thrown in the clink he started bragging to his cellmate about scamming some woman out about $8000 bucks. Too bad the guy he was bragging to turned out to be the woman’s husband! Not only did he get a pretty severe beating by his cell mate, but the courts have now sentenced him to an extra 18 months in jail and told him to repay the money. (CNN)

FILE #2: Imagine cruising down the road and looking over to see a real live cow in someone’s back seat! It happened recently in Russia and 4 men have been arrested and charged with stealing a pregnant cow and escaping with it squeezed into their car. Police picked up the men after the 660 pound cow had traveled 37 miles in the car with her head sticking out of the window.

FILE #3: Joe Cary, who had his door shot in the middle of the day. Joe called the police, but the shooter vanished before they arrived.  When the police showed up, Joe stood outside his door… with a gun of his own.  Now, you’d think that these police officer’s would appreciate an upstanding citizen defending himself… with a gun… being waved around with one hand… while holding a bottle of vodka in the other.  Guess who was arrested?  I think I’ve seen this episode of Cops.

STRANGE LAW: In Utah, it’s against the law to fish from horseback.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

After a short chase, Officer Joseph Fonteno of Redondo Beach, California charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: “It came with the car when I bought it.”

PHONER PHUN

If you could choose only one television or movie star to have over to your house for dinner to hang out with you and your family, who would it be?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: When Rachel died after giving birth to Benjamin, Jacob buried her near what town?

ANSWER: Bethlehem (Genesis 35:18-19)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

ANSWER: They both have the same middle name. (Hey, we don’t have to have a serious answer EVERY day, do we?)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Astronaut John W. Young smuggled a corned beef sandwich aboard the five-hour Gemini 3 flight on March 23, 1965. (True. Consumed by mission mate Virgil I. “Gus” Grissom, the contraband sandwich resulted in a Congressional investigation and the first official reprimand of an astronaut.)

2. Tennis was the first Olympic sport to include women (True – in Paris, 1900)

3. After he retired from serving as Tombstone’s marshal, Wyatt Earp moved to San Francisco and became a boxing referee. (True)

4. More women stutter than men. (False – men stutter more)

5. Five thousand cubic feet of air pass through your nose every day. (False – five hundred cubic feet)

6. Robert E. Lee wore a size 4 1/2 shoe. (True – he had exceptionally small feet)

7. The most common surname in the world is Chang. (True)

8. Greyhounds can reach their top speed of 45 miles per hour in just six strides. (False – they can do it in just three strides)

9. The sun is 330,330 times larger than Earth. (True)

10. If an Amish man has a beard, he’s married. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Man’s Entire Front Yard is _____!”  (STOLEN)


In Adelanto, California, 34-year-old David Roger Bowers was arrested for stealing some guy’s front yard. We mean the entire front yard — the new sod, bushes and even sprinklers were all hauled away. The home was under construction and witnesses told the homeowner they saw the thief taking the sod, plants and irrigation system. The victim’s kitchen sink was left untouched.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.

“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”

JOKE #2

A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.” 

”To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each.”

JOKE #3

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do … play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.

He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in basketball, “nothing but net”). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “I did. Think about it — who can he tell?”

USELESS FACTS

First thing in the morning after breakfast, what do you do… you look for the weather, right? Now you won’t have to! A college kid has designed a toaster that will burn your forecast directly into your toast!  The toaster connects to the Internet, downloads information, and then changes the burn pattern on your toast depending on what the forecast is… rain, sun, clouds, snow, etc.  ***MARLAR: I understand the internet toast tastes a lot like internet SPAM.

Grizzly bears in and around Yellowstone National Park apparently no longer need federal protection.  The federal government says the area had an estimated 136 to 312 grizzlies when the species was listed as threatened in 1975, but now it has more than 500 of the bears.  ***MARLAR: The exact number of missing picnic baskets.

FEATURED FUNNIES

P-R-E-T-T-Y S-M-A-R-T

The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of them muttered to the other, “Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear,” carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, “But awful s-m-a-r-t!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Doctors remove 200 nails from one man’s stomach!

Ethiopian doctors have removed more than 200 nails swallowed by a mentally ill patient after the man complained of stomach pains. Medics spent more than an hour extracting 26 ounces of items from the man’s (Gezahenge Debebe’s) stomach after an X-ray revealed it was crammed with assorted pieces of metal. The metallic objects removed from the patient included 222 rusty nails, as well as an assortment of keys and coins. It’s believed the man ate the items during his 20 years as a mental patient. ***MARLAR: Yeah… that’d be my guess!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE ICE CREAM PRAYER

— Author Unknown
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!”
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”
“Really?” my son asked.
“Cross my heart.” Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BROKEN STATUES

Read: Daniel 2:36-45

The court shall be seated, and they shall take away his dominion, to consume and destroy it forever. —Daniel 7:26

In Moscow stands the New Tretyakov Gallery, a museum that displays art and artifacts from the days of the former Soviet Union. Scattered along the banks of the Moscow River near the museum are statues of once-powerful leaders that have been smashed and disfigured. Images of Stalin and Lenin have their noses knocked off and their heads separated from their bodies.

These gloomy scenes bring to mind the dream of King Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel 2. He saw a statue with a glorious head of gold, a chest and arms of silver, a torso of bronze, legs of iron, and feet of iron and clay (vv.31-33). It portrayed the succession of four great ruling nations of the world. From history we know they were Babylon, Medo-Persia, Greece, and Rome. Then a stone “cut out of the mountain without hands” (v.45) rolled down and smashed the statue to smithereens. This pictured God’s judgment of those four kingdoms and His supremacy over all the earth.

One day God will judge the nations of the world, and their monuments will lie in ruins. No matter how powerful the nation, all will crumble beneath the outpouring of God’s holy wrath. We can be confident that Jesus Christ, the King of kings, will rule the world in righteousness, justice, and peace. What a glorious prospect! —Dave Egner

LEFTOVERS

Want to be the coolest cop in the world? Then move to Austria.

Police there are driving Porsche 911 as patrol cars to crack down on speeding motorists. The $120,000 sports car can do up to 177mph, and so far it’s been a major success – so much so that Austria is planning to buy more of the speedy sports cars. A police spokesperson said, “The preventive effect is excellent. Drivers just needed to see it parked alongside the road and they slam on the breaks.”  ***MARLAR: The downside is the lack of passenger space –if you’re placed under arrest, you have to be strapped to the bumper.

LIFE… LIVE IT

SECRETS FOR A LONG, HAPPY MARRIAGE

How do people stay married for 40, 50 and 60 years or more? Turns out, they know something the rest of us don’t. Those secrets were revealed to bachelors Matthew Boggs and Jason Miller, who traveled 12,000 miles around the U.S. to talk to couples they call the “Marriage Masters” — people who had been married four decades or more. In an appearance on the “Today” show, the men, who wrote “Project Everlasting,” shared these secrets for a long and happy marriage:

  • Divorce? Never. Murder? Often! — Translation: Commitment is king. Couples who stay married a lifetime enter their marriage with the mindset that divorce is not an option. So when arguments, disagreements and other issues arise, they learn to work them out and don’t run away. The only deal breakers are the three A’s: addiction, adultery and abuse.

  • There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, only perfect moments — It takes work to create a great marriage. As one wife said, “Whoever said being soul mates was going to be easy?” And her husband of 52 years added, “Marriage is a bed of roses — thorns and all.”

  • Unpack the gunnysack — Translation: Don’t be afraid to fight. Say what is on your mind. It’s the unexpressed frustrations that will cause more problems in the long run as they turn into resentments that will eat away at your marriage. Those who have been married for decades advise “unpack the gunnysack” by opening up the lines of communication.

  • Never stop dating — It’s not just the quality of time you spend together; it’s also the quantity that counts. Keep the romance burning by stoking the fire. Go out on dates, take getaway weekends and long vacations with just the two of you.

  • Love is a four-letter word spelled give — Be selfless. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 60/40. You give 60 and take 40. And that goes for both of you.

  • Join the CMAT Club (Can’t Miss A Thing) — Life is short, so enjoy every minute of it. It’s easy to get caught in the day-to-day busyness of life and in the process take your spouse for granted. Life is an adventure and all too soon it will end. So relish your sweetheart’s presence now.

  • The discipline of respect — You can have respect without love, but you can’t have love without respect. According to all those interviewed, the No. 1 secret for a thriving, everlasting marriage is respect. When you respect your partner and your partner respects you, everything else flows into place: trust, connection, authenticity and love.

JUST FOR FUN

NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT

A 97-year-old woman in England who’s been almost blind for five years suddenly regained her sight after she sneezed. Gladys Adamson said she thought she was dreaming when she found she could see. In fact she didn’t recognize herself when she looked in the mirror for the first time. Her hair, which is now white, was just turning gray the last time she saw it.

FUN LIST

RÉSUMÉ COVER LETTERS

These were taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in “Fortune” Magazine:

  • “I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms.”

  • “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”

  • “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

  • “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”

  • “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”

  • “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”

  • “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

  • “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”

  • “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

  • “Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”

  • “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

  • “I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”

  • “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

  • “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”

  • “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”

  • “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.”

  • “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

  • “Marital status: often. Children: various.”

  • “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”

  • “Finished eighth in class of ten.”

  • “References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR IN-LAWS

  • Treat your spouse well. Nothing pleases parents more than knowing that their son or daughter is being well-loved and pampered.

  • Present a united front. Never squabble with your spouse in front of his or her parents. If you think hot issues may come up, discuss how you will deal with them ahead of time. If they erupt, stifle yourselves until you can duke it out in private.

  • Recognize the fact if you were raised in a different family structure. Realize that a proper New Englander may have difficulty being comfortable in an outgoing Hispanic family. Remember, his or her mom believes her baby is perfect.

  • Ask mom-in-law to teach you how to cook a certain meal that he comments on while visiting her house — even if it’s stewed possum. And if her cooking is terrible, forget about honesty being the best policy.

  • Pray for your mother-in-law. Do this for two weeks until you are feeling better about her. And remember, you’re married to her child, not her.

  • Frequently ask their advice, even if you don’t plan to take it. They’ll be glad to feel they still have influence on their child’s life — even if they don’t.

  • Discover what their likes and hobbies are. Even if it’s hunting and you’re an animal rights activist, show interest and don’t start an argument.

  • Don’t clog the toilet. If you stop up their toilet by accident, clean it yourself. Overflowing sewage doesn’t impress anyone and they’ll be pleased with your effort.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The Accessible Bible is bringing God’s Word to those with learning disabilities. The Accessible Bible utilizes special fonts, illustrations and layouts that make for easier reading and comprehension. Audio and e-book versions will also be available. Officials from Biblica (the makers of the Accessible Bible) says: Those with disabilities are often viewed as the least evangelized group in the world, and we want to see people reached in this group with the Bible.” Biblica is currently in the process of raising funds for the project, which is starting off as only a New Testament and is set to be printed in spring 2017.

http://bit.ly/29rf85o

Children who grow up in same-sex parented households may face a significantly higher risk of depression later in life.

That’s the conclusion of a study published a few weeks ago, without fanfare, in the open-access journal Depression Research and Treatment. The study found that young adults who had grown up with same-sex parents were more than twice as likely to be depressed as those raised by a mother and a father. The study uses survey data that followed adolescents over a period of 13 years. Although 18 percent of children in same-sex households reported feeling symptoms of depression as adolescents, about half of same-sex-parented children had become depressed after reaching the age of about 28. By comparison, only about one-fifth of children of opposite-sex parents were depressed in adulthood.

https://world.wng.org/2016/07/depression_and_same_sex_parenting

Why Does Prayer Sometimes Feel So Boring?

We don’t get instant gratification.

We don’t empathize with others.

We forget God’s power.

We think God is measuring the amount of time.

We’re accustomed to the idea of it.

Does prayer feel boring?  How do you snap out of that?  Relevant Magazine has a few ideas.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/why-does-prayer-sometimes-feel-so-boring

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Ever notice how you can never find the ball-point pen you left overnight in your shirt pocket? And that your closet is always overflowing with coat hangers? Well, that’s because ball-point pens are really coat hanger eggs.” 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 05, 2016…

 

*The Founder’s release date has changed to mid-December 2016. Stars Michael Keaton as Ray Kroc who founded McDonald’s.

 

Nine Lives—Kevin Spacey steps away from “House Of Cards” to be inside a family cat and to learn a lesson in humility. What a step down for this multi-millionaire as he learns family secrets. Christopher Walken is a pet shop owner. “Nine Lives” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Suicide Squad—Here is a collection of DC Comic Book villains who are at the bottom of the barrel. We meet Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie), Deadshot (Will Smith) and Captain Boomerang (Jai Courtney) to name a few. Premise has them released from prison to fight other bad guys who want to blow things up. Sigh. “Suicide Squad” is rated R. No rating.

 

Five Nights In Maine (opening in select cities)—A young woman dies and her husband (David Oyelowo) goes to be with his mother-in-law (Dianne Weist.) Open discussion happens during the grief process.  “Five Weeks In Maine” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

AUGUST 12, 2016…

 

Cafe Society is a Woody Allen film and a romantic comedy set in the 1930’s in Hollywood. Stars Jesse Eisenberg.

 

Florence Foster Jenkins stars Meryl Streep in the true story of a socialite who had a below-average singing voice, but thought she was spectacular, so would schedule concerts for herself.

 

Pete’s Dragon, which combines real actors with action figures, is the story of an orphan (Oakes Fegley), who meets a friendly dragon named Elliott.

 

Sausage Party is an animated film about talking food, but the theme is adult. Voices include Seth Rogen, Edward Norton and Kristin Wiig.

 

Spectral is a military theme with Emily Mortimer going against a phantom.

 

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.