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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150807
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Having a hard time getting started today. This heat makes me lethargic. In hot weather there are three speeds: Slow, Slower, and Postal Worker.
I may not be so funny today. Last night my comedy writer was committed.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“If you had a hundred sheep and one of them strayed away and was lost in the wilderness, wouldn’t you leave the ninety-nine others to go and search for the lost one until you found it? And then you would joyfully carry it home on your shoulders.” –Matthew 15:4,5
All your words are true; all your righteous laws are eternal. — Psalm 119:160
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? — Proverbs 6:28
Thought: I don’t know about where you are, but this time of year, it’s really hot in Austin, Texas. You don’t have to worry about hot coals; just try the sidewalk. But this reminder about scorching coals is sure good for me. We get to feeling so strong inside spiritually, or we get seduced by a “favorite” temptation, and we decide we can flirt with what is sinful. But the Holy Spirit reminds us through the Wise Man that when we flirt with evil, we’re eventually going to get burned.
Prayer: Almighty God, loving Father, and tender Shepherd, please forgive me. I confess that sometimes I allow myself to flirt with what is not wholesome, right, and holy. Thank you for delivering me so often from my stupidities in this area and bless me with strength and renewed conviction as I seek to offer myself fully and completely to you and as I seek to flee what is dangerous and sinful. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Deuteronomy 8:7 NIV = For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills;
TODAY IS FRIDAY – AUGUST 07, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 141 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is PROFESSIONAL SPEAKERS DAY. ***MARLAR: Doesn’t this just sound like a professional speaker… creating their own holiday so people can ask them to professionally speak about what it’s like to be a professional speaker.
TWINS DAY. In 1993, in Twinsburg, Ohio, identical twins Phil and Doug Malm married identical twins Jill and Jena Lassen in front of twin ministers with 1,500 sets of twins witnessing the ceremony. It was Twins Day. ***MARLAR: An interesting fact – in the case of twins marrying twins, the resulting children are genetically more like brothers and sisters than cousins!
Today is SEA SERPENT DAY. ***MARLAR: Be on the lookout for them as you drive down (LOCALLY FLOODED STREET).
Today is NATIONAL TAKE LAST WINTER’S SNOWBALLS OUT OF THE FREEZER AND HAVE A FIGHT DAY. ***MARLAR: You did remember to set aside a few in the freezer, didn’t you? If not, just be prepared to be bombarded today by those who did remember.
DON’T WAIT – CELEBRATE! WEEK begins today, a time dedicated to spontaneous celebrations of non-milestone events. ***MARLAR: Heck, that describes my entire show!
Today is PARTICULARLY PREPOSTEROUS PACKAGING DAY, a day to focus on why packages are so stinkin’ hard to open. ***MARLAR: Like CD packaging. Something isn’t right with the world when it takes you longer to unwrap a CD than it takes to listen to it.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Braham Pie Day (Homemade Pie Day)
Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
Professional Speakers Day
Purple Heart Day
Tomboy Tools Day
COMING UP NEXT
SATURDAY, AUGUST 08
International Hangover Day
The Date to Create
Happiness Happens Day
Middle Child Day
National Garage Sale Day
Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbors’ Porch Night
SUNDAY, AUGUST 09
International Day of The World’s Indigeneous People
MONDAY, AUGUST 10
National Duran Duran Appreciation Day
Skyscraper Appreciation Day
TUESDAY, AUGUST 11
Presidential Joke Day
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12
IBM PC Day
International Youth Day
Sewing Machine Day
Vinyl Record Day
THURSDAY, AUGUST 13
FRIDAY, AUGUST 14
National Navajo Code Talkers Day
ON THIS DAY
1782: George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize merit in military enlisted men and noncommissioned officers.
1963: The first beach movie starring Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello opened nationwide. “Beach Party” also starred Morey Amsterdam, Bob Cummings, and Dick Dale and the Del Tones. Ten other films in the beach series followed in the next three years.
1963: Jacqueline Kennedy became the first wife of a president since the days of Grover Cleveland to give birth while he was in the White House. The infant, a boy, died two days later.
1970: A 4-year-old Burmese cat named Tarawood in Church Westcote, England, gave birth to 19 kittens, history’s largest kitty litter. Fifteen survived.
1974: French stuntman Philippe Petit walked a tightrope strung between the twin towers of New York’s World Trade Center.
1985: Atlanta’s Ted Turner paid $1.5-billion for MGM, including all the Tom & Jerry cartoons.
1993: In Twinsburg, Ohio, identical twins Phil and Doug Malm married identical twins Jill and Jena Lassen in front of twin ministers with 1,500 sets of twins witnessing the ceremony. It was Twins Day.
1993: Police arrested a 33-year-old female robbery fugitive in a Tulsa movie theater. She was watching “The Fugitive.”
1997: Police in Lille, France, warned that the Garden Gnomes Liberation Front had made off with a dozen garden dwarfs in the past week. The 7-member group of night-time commandos, who idolized Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs, left notes vowing to “liberate” all Dwarfs from lawns, gardens, and flower beds. Earlier in the year the GGLF had liberated 30 gnomes in Normandy. ***MARLAR: Police have been very SHORT with the criminals and have LITTLE patience for these crimes, that DWARF similar acts.
1998: Some 500 attended the annual Valley View Nude Car Show near Cambridge, Wisconsin. The cars were fully dressed.
1999: Three-year-old Alessandra Scalise of Rochester, New York, received her first credit card with a $5,000 credit limit. Her mother said she returned the pre-approved application as a joke.
1999: Boston’s Wade Boggs became the first player to homer for his 3,000th hit.
2004: Two former top East German officials were given probation after being convicted by a Berlin court of failing to stop the killing of people trying to escape across the Berlin wall.
2005: Peter Jennings, anchor and senior editor of ABC News ‘World News Tonight,’ who had been fighting lung cancer, died at his New York home at age 67.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1409: The Council of Pisa, convened by the cardinals to end the Great Schism that had divided Western Christendom since 1378, closes. The council deposed both warring popes as schismatics and heretics, and elected Alexander V. It didn’t end the schism (as there were now three warring popes), but it paved the way toward a solution at the Council of Constance in 1417.
1560: The Scottish Parliament ratifies the Calvinistic “Scottish Confession,” which had been drawn up in four days principally by John Knox. The document remained the confessional standard until superseded by the Westminster Confession in 1647.
1771: Francis Asbury answers John Wesley’s call for volunteers to go to America as missionaries; he would become the father of American Methodism.
1949: The Vatican announces that bones believed to be the apostle Peter’s have been found.
1955: Wang Ming-Dao, evangelical pastor, preaches his last sermon knowing he might be arrested the next day. Title: “The son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.” Soon after midnight he was arrested by the communist Chinese.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Monster, The Devil’s Advocate, Mighty Joe Young, The Italian Job, Sweet November, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Snow White & The Huntsman, Prometheus) Charlize Theron 40
- soap actress (“All My Children,” “The Bold and the Beautiful”) Sydney Penny 44 (
- actor (“The X-Files”, Zoolander, Playing God, Evolution) David Duchovney 55 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1921 : Warren Covington
1925 : Felice Bryant
1926 : Stan Freberg
1931 : Herb Reed (The Platters)
1936 : Charles Pope (The Tams)
1939 : Ron Holden
1942 : B. J. Thomas
1943 : Lana Cantrell
1945 : Kerry Chater (Gary Puckett and the Union Gap)
1949 : Carlo Novi (Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes)
1952 : Andy Fraser (Free)
1958 : Bruce Dickenson (Iron Maiden)
1960 : Jacqui O’Sullivan (Bananarama)
1964 : Ian Dench (EMF)
1966 : Kristen Hersh (Throwing Muses)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do they refer to the hottest days of summer as the dog days?
First, let’s express our appreciation to canines everywhere for being so good-natured about our negative characterization of these days in their name. Finicky felines would have long since filed a class action libel suit. Rover can blame the ancient Romans for the dog days. To turn a line from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar on its head, the fault was in their stars. Specifically, it had to do with Sirius, the Dog Star, which during July and early August appeared to rise with the sun. The Romans may have been pretty good engineers and soldiers, but they hadn’t yet bothered to invent computers and the like, and so they just connected the dots. Sirius rose with the sun, therefore it must have worked with it to make the weather icky – a pretty Sirius allegation, based on faulty science, doggone it.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Moriah Peters is counting down the days until the release of the music video for her song Brave. This week Moriah said: Meet “Afraid.” She represents the part of us that is chained by the past & fearful of the future.
Citizenway’s Ben Blascoe drives Uber on the side. He was taking a break at Chick-fil-A to be reminded of his other job. He tweeted: my band on the radio…irony.
A thought from Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey: Sometimes, we hurt and instead of feeling it, we run to distractions. We try to numb it. Instead, Mike advises Letting it sting. He says that means taking your hurt to God. Holding it out to him. Making space. Making time. Mike says: We want the cure, not a medication. Instead, we need to “let is sting”.
Kutless member James Mead recorded a personal best over the weekend. He tweeted: 7:40 per mile for 4 miles, hills included. James went on to explain: I have realized that I run SO THAT I can keep eating burritos.
More thoughts on dating from Jamie-Grace. She tweeted an open letter to all other single ladies this week. It says: We can go on dates with the most incredible guys, have girl’s nights with our best friends, we can even train a dog to say “I love you!” But until we learn that our peace, joy, hope, strength and resolve comes from our Creator, we will never truly fill the emptiness that is oh so natural without Him.
Plumb made a discovery this week and it wasn’t a good one. She tweeted: we discovered today that yes you in fact can get a pretty epic sunburn in Michigan. Oops Parent fail.
Switchfoot’s Jon Foreman says the bands guitars were well guarded during this weeks stop in Wisconsin. He shared a picture of an elderly member of the local American Legion sitting in front of the bands guitars keeping watch in his full, ceremonial dress uniform, complete with his rifle.
Kari Jobe would appreciate your prayers. Her cousin Stephen is scheduled for a kidney transplant this week. Kari says: Pray it can happen. A kidney has been found but it still must pass the doctor’s inspection.
Hawk Nelson’s Micah Kuiper got married this past week. His wedding to Jamie James took place on Tuesday.
The band Thousand Foot Krutch is asking for your prayers. They tweeted: Our bass player Joël is in the hospital right now with a torn and collapsed lung. They are looking to do surgery on it, but need the lung to improve first.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Would-be Tarzan allegedly tried to climb into monkey exhibit
SANTA ANA, Calif. (AP) — A man who claimed to be Tarzan has been arrested after he allegedly climbed a tree and tried to get into the monkey exhibit at a Southern California zoo. A zookeeper called 911 Tuesday morning to report that a shirtless man plastered in mud had climbed about 20 feet…
|French horn returned to Washington state woman after 5 years
MUKILTEO, Wash. (AP) — A Mukilteo woman has her French horn back, five years after it was stolen out of her car. HASH(0x141b980) The horn belonged to 61-year-old Terry Preshaw, an attorney who is also first horn in the Mukilteo Community Orchestra. Preshaw bought the instrument used in 2009…
|Drone drops drugs in Ohio prison yard, spurring inmate fight
MANSFIELD, Ohio (AP) — A drone dropped a package of drugs into a prison yard while inmates were outside, sparking a fight, prison officials said. HASH(0x13fc000) Smith said there have been other instances of drones breaching security and the agency is taking steps to increase awareness and…
|Pennsylvania man waives hearing in fake DUI checkpoint case
SOMERSET, Pa. (AP) — A man charged with setting up a fake drunken-driving checkpoint while pretending to be a Pennsylvania state trooper must now stand trial. State troopers from Somerset say 19-year-old Logan Shaulis was drunk when he parked his vehicle diagonally across state Route 601 and…
|Community mourns Michigan man who waved at passers-by
LAMBERTVILLE, Mich. (AP) — A community in far southeast Michigan is remembering an elderly man who would wave at passing motorists every day as he waited for the mail carrier. For two years, Norman Hall went out to his mailbox, located along a busy road just north of the Michigan-Ohio state…
|Man throws away, recovers lottery tickets worth $10,000
ROME, Ga. (AP) — A north Georgia man has recovered $10,000 worth of lottery tickets he had thrown away in the trash. Multiple media outlets report that Cedric Jackson on Friday thought that he had narrowly missed winning a $5,000 jackpot on two lottery tickets. Jackson, who lives in Rome,…
|Officers rescue priest’s puppy stuck in 30-foot drain pipe photo
BUTTE, Mont. (AP) — A Montana priest has his puppy back after law enforcement officers and an animal control officer pulled the shaking animal from the inside of a 30-foot drain pipe that runs under part of the church. The Montana Standard reports (http://bit.ly/1DtMATT) the small…
|Coal protesters, firm still battle over song lyrics in suit
CHEYENNE, Wyo. (AP) — The lyrics of a more than 40-year-old strip-mining protest song still amount to fighting words in Wyoming, where a lawsuit pits environmentalists against one of the nation’s largest coal mining companies. Lawyers for activists suing Peabody Energy Corp. and others quoted…
|Michigan township draws more people to meeting with hot dogs
VICTORY TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Here’s a way to boost interest in local government: potato salad. A township board in northern Michigan held a lakeside picnic Monday before its regular meeting. After an hour of hot dogs and side dishes, the Pledge of Allegiance was recited and the Victory…
|Police: Fake officer tried to pull over off-duty Ohio cop
NORTH KINGSVILLE, Ohio (AP) — Authorities in northeast Ohio say a man pretending to be a police officer was caught and charged because the driver targeted by his bogus traffic stop was a real officer. HASH(0x13eb250) Flanigan says the officer contacted village police, who found the suspect…
|2 arrested after meth lab remnants found in Iowa Taco Bell
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) — Authorities say two men have been arrested after the remnants of a methamphetamine lab were found inside a Taco Bell in eastern Iowa. The Cedar Rapids Police Department says officers found two men outside the restaurant early Tuesday. One identified himself as a Taco…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|16 states ask Obama admin to put power plant rules on hold photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The campaign to stop President Barack Obama’s sweeping emissions limits on power plants began taking shape Wednesday, as 16 states asked the government to put the rules on hold while a Senate panel moved to block them. West Virginia Attorney General Patrick Morrisey, who is…
|Food industry asks for exemptions to trans fat phase out
WASHINGTON (AP) — Shortening, pie crusts, brownies and microwave popcorn could be partially exempt from a government phase out of artificial trans fats — if the food industry gets its way. The Food and Drug Administration announced in June that it is requiring food companies to largely…
|Colorado resident is 2nd to die of plague there this year
PUEBLO, Colo. (AP) — A person from southern Colorado has died of the plague, the second person to die of the disease in the state this year. The unidentified adult from Pueblo County likely died of the relatively rare septicemic form of the disease, said Christine Nevin-Woods, the medical…
|Boston mayor wants ban on chewing tobacco at ballparks photo
BOSTON (AP) — From storied Fenway Park to youth baseball diamonds across the city, Boston Mayor Martin J. Walsh is calling for a ban on dip, snuff and chewing tobacco. With former Red Sox pitcher and mouth cancer survivor Curt Schilling at his side, the mayor on Wednesday proposed banning…
|Aramark revising menus to cut fat and boost produce, grains
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — The food services giant Aramark is pledging to create healthier recipes for the 2 billion meals it serves each year in schools, hospitals, sports arenas and other settings. Aramark has teamed with the American Heart Association to cut fat and sodium by 20 percent by 2020….
|Pets pick up on cues to comfort the dying, the grieving photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — For those who are dying, it’s clear why all dogs go to heaven. They provide comfort not just in death, but in other difficult times, whether it’s depression, job loss or a move across country. Dogs know when people are dying or grieving through body language cues, smells…
|NYC targets cooling systems linked to Legionnaires’ outbreak photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Lawmakers are rushing to draft New York’s first regulations for a type of heavy-duty rooftop air conditioning equipment amid suspicions that bacteria-laden mist from these units could be the cause of the deadliest known outbreak of Legionnaires’ disease in the city’s history….
|New Ebola cases in single digits another week, says WHO
DAKAR, Senegal (AP) — New Ebola cases were in the single digits another week, the World Health Organization said Wednesday, showing that contact tracing efforts are yielding results. The path to zero cases, however, remains a challenge as the West African nations that have seen most of the…
|Tax filing problems could jeopardize health law aid for 1.8M photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — About 1.8 million households that got financial help for health insurance under President Barack Obama’s law now have issues with their tax returns that could jeopardize their subsidies next year. Administration officials say those taxpayers will have to act quickly….
|Toxic algae blooming in warm water from California to Alaska photo
SEATTLE (AP) — A vast bloom of toxic algae off the West Coast is denser, more widespread and deeper than scientists feared even weeks ago, according to surveyors aboard a National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration research vessel. This coastal ribbon of microscopic algae, up to 40 miles…
|FDA lays out extra steps to clean scopes linked to outbreaks photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health officials laid out extra safety measures that hospitals can take to clean specialized medical scopes that have been linked to sometimes deadly bacterial outbreaks across the U.S. However, Food and Drug Administration officials acknowledged on Tuesday that not…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
The Hungarian government is so concerned about the number of young Hungarians leaving the country that it is offering to fly them home and pay them to stay. The “Come home, young person!” program is aimed at persuading Hungarians living abroad to return to their home country. A Hungarian government event in London on June 28 to promote the program touted its promise of a free return flight, a 100,000 forint monthly allowance (about $350) for a year, and the possibility of a job close to family. *** I wouldn’t mind that $350/month allowance – do you think (YOUR CITY) would pay me to stick around if I threatened to move? http://ti.me/1UrKSaS
George W. Bush reported for jury duty at George Allen courthouse in Dallas, Texas, on Wednesday. Bush spent about three hours in court but was not selected to serve as a juror. *** Apparently things went awry when the defense attorney inquired if the former President knew the man on trial and Dubya replied by asking, “Is HE the one hiding the weapons of mass destruction?!?!”
Police in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, found an “active” meth lab this week inside Taco Bell. *** Which, after sampling the food and lack of customer service, came as a surprise to absolutely no one.
Agnes Fenton of Englewood, New Jersey is feeling and looking great at 110-years-old. She celebrated the incredible milestone last Saturday, and she doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. Agnes’ secret for living to be 110 is awesome: Three beers and a glass of the very expensive Johnnie Walker Blue Label scotch every day — for the past 70 years. *** I’m not sure I buy her explanation though. If alcohol is the secret to longevity, why is Ted Kennedy dead?
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
People accustomed to nagging from doctors and family members that they’re not taking their medications properly may get some help from an unlikely source. New designs for drug packages and plans for labels that are easier to understand aim to help people stick to their drug regimens. New technologies include a bottle cap with a wireless chip that signals to patients if they are late in taking their medicine by triggering flashing lights and audible alerts. ***MARLAR: To ensure patients take their medication quickly, the next step is to equip each pill bottle with the nagging voice of Roseanne Barr.
The average American woman spends thousands of dollars each year on beauty and salon treatments. That’s about 160 hours of grooming and primping. Phoebe Baker Hyde decided to explore what would happen if she gave up makeup for an entire year. “I did what a man would do. Put on deodorant. Put on a little gel and head out the door. Maybe I can approximate that. The makeup would go, the jewelry would go,” Baker Hyde, the author of the book, “The Beauty Experiment.” The result? Baker Hyde said she felt more beautiful than ever without all the makeup. ***MARLAR: Probably because she saved so much money that she could afford liposuction.
Scientists have just discovered that when a shrimp is first born, it is male, and as it gets older it gradually matures into a female. ***MARLAR: It took them until now to realize that the males are the immature ones?
Despite spending more per person on health care than any other country, Americans are getting sicker and dying younger than our international peers — a problem persisting across all ages and both genders, according to a new report. National Research Council found life expectancy in the United States was increasing at a slower rate than in other high-income democracies. ***MARLAR: The theory is that the life force of Americans is literally being sucked away by “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”, and every single show on BRAVO.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Only a Game”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Chonda Pierce, “Security”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, a huge debate over whether clunking (hitting your head continually with a coconut) should be banned or not. The highest court in the jungle – Weatherbee the Owl – was asked to finally make a decision on the issue, and after a lot of thinking, he rendered his verdict!
CLOSE: Terminal? That means the hiccups are not only bad for Millard, but deadly! Will Millard survive the side effects of clunking? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 08/09, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffelson finally broke down and told the truth about why the island had no food and why trash was piling up everywhere. It wasn’t because others weren’t doing their jobs, but because Marvy had nailed down the calendar clock to always be Saturday…
CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Today’s Moment of Duh takes us to the manufacturers of airplane engines!
When building a product for someone to buy, you might think it a bad idea to tell that consumer in the operations manual that your product has a tendency not to work. If that was the case, you’d work on that flaw rather than put that information in the manual, right? Now, imagine this product as an airplane engine, with a tendency to stop without warning! Scary, isn’t it? Well, our Moment of Duh today comes from the manual of one of Rotax Aircraft Engines’ experimental aircraft. Here’s what it says:
- “Danger! The engine, by its design, is subject to sudden stoppage…” Wouldn’t that sentence make you feel great about your new purchase? But it goes on.
- “Engine stoppage can result in crash landings. Such crash landings can lead to serious bodily injury or death…” Can’t wait to try it out now, can you?
- “Never fly the aircraft equipped with this engine at locations, airspeeds, altitudes, or other circumstances from which a successful no-power landing cannot be made, after sudden engine stoppage.” In other words, unless you’re hooking this engine to a giant un-manned paper airplane, don’t fly.
TOP TEN SIGNS IT’S YOUR 40TH BIRTHDAY
- Your first three birthday presents were neckties!!
- You go to a restaurant and order salad and water.
- Before the big evening on the town, you’ve got to both color the grey, and cover up some pimples.
- You’re back to one candle on the birthday day cake.
- Your name changes from “Dude” to “Sir.”
- You suddenly stop trusting yourself.
- You’re now much more thankful for how speed bumps slow those young punks down.
- You’ve just realized that somehow you’re now invisible to 18-year-old girls.
- Suddenly you feel like a loser if you ask your friends to help you move.
- You have just completed your very own decennial review of the word “old” and have revised it upwards to 50.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Robbers accidentally steal test papers instead of money from the post office!
FILE #1: Five robbers in Athens, Greece robbed a post office, expecting to grab two bags containing about $500,000, but really grabbed the wrong bags. Despite what they made their getaway with, I’m sure they still don’t feel very smart. Instead of the money bags, they grabbed bags containing hundreds of algebra, Latin and chemistry exam papers. But hey, at least now they know what E=MC2 is all about!
FILE #2: A homeless man pleaded guilty to second-degree burglary after his beer-need defense failed to convince a judge that he was justified in breaking into a convenience store to satisfy his thirst. Superior Court Judge Thomas Wynne sentenced Steven Childress to one year in jail for the break-in in question. Steven hoped to argue that he was literally dying for a beer — he thought he was having a heart attack and needed beer. But the judge ruled that Steve’s beer-need defense failed to qualify. He suggested Steve seek help for his drinking problem.
FILE #3: You’re in your car, on your way to work, and you see in front of you a terrible accident. You see a head on collision take place, immediately killing one of the drivers. You call 911 on your cell phone and wait for the police and fire departments to show up. Oddly… they never do. Why? Because they’re stuck back at the toll booth and the toll operator won’t let them pass because they don’t have enough money to get through! That’s exactly what happened the other day in Chile! A fire engine couldn’t reach the scene of a fatal accident in Chile because firemen didn’t have enough money to pay a motorway toll. In fact, since they didn’t have enough money, they just turned around and went home. The Ministry of Public Works has apologized for the incident and says it will never happen again.
STRANGE LAW: In Globe, Arizona, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
In Milwaukee, Keith Walendowski was angry because his lawn mower wouldn’t start.
So he shot it! Police were called to the scene and Keith told them, “I can do that, it’s my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want.” That’s unfortunately not exactly true in the eyes of the law so he was arrested and charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. The neighbor who called police also said Keith was intoxicated.
DON’T WAIT – CELEBRATE! WEEK begins today – so what should you be celebrating?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What was the first supernatural sign the disciples experienced at Pentecost?
ANSWER: The sound of a “rushing mighty wind” from heaven. (Acts 2:2 = “And suddenly there came a sound from heaven, as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting.”)
QUESTION: In 1439, King Henry VI of England banned this act because he said it spread disease.
ANSWER: He banned kissing.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Iceland doesn’t have an army. (True)
- A single chocolate chip gives enough energy to a human being to walk 10 feet. (False – 150 feet)
- Stinging insects kill approximately 25 people annually in the U.S. (True)
- Over the course of one year, a coffee tree only produces about 15 pounds of coffee. (False – only 1.5 pounds!)
- Over $7 billion a year is spent on chocolates by consumers. (True)
- When George Washington was President, there were about 35 federal employees. (False – 350)
- Each weekday, the White House receives 400,000 letters. (False – 40,000)
- Kool-Aid is the official soft drink of the state of Nebraska. (True)
- Shirley Temple received 135,000 presents for her tenth birthday. (False – her eighth birthday)
- Only six percent of coupons printed are ever redeemed. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
Bride Married in Dress of ____________! (Toilet Paper)
When Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols tied the knot, the bride wore a gown made entirely of Charmin Ultra Soft and Ultra Strong toilet tissue. The intricately detailed dress was designed by Hanah Kim, winner of the 2007 Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest. ***MARLAR: And if she began crying during the ceremony, she could just wipe the tears with her veil! And her sleeve… and her train…
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation, tell his history and their early salary.
The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.”
The angel says, “OK, you may enter.”
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.”
The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?”
The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .”
“Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What radio station did you DJ for?”
A father had four very active boys. One summer evening, he was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys “shot” his father and yelled, “Bang! You’re dead!” He slumped to the ground and when he didn’t get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall. When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and said, “Shhh. Don’t give me away. It’s the only chance I’ve had to rest all day.”
“Dad,” a teenaged girl says, running into her father’s den, “I’d like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!”
“You’re too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don’t have any cash left on me.”
With nobody home, a dog in Berlin turned on a radio and had neighbors complaining about the loud music. ***MARLAR: New woofers.
Toby, the golden retriever, is a lifesaver. That’s according to Debbie Parkhurst, who says her dog performed the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life. The Calvert, Maryland, woman says she was choking on a piece of fruit. She started beating on her chest in an attempt to dislodge the obstruction. Parkhurst says that’s when Toby pushed her to the ground and began jumping on her chest. She says the bit of apple loosened and Toby started licking her face to keep her from passing out. Parkhurst says she has the paw-shaped bruises on her chest to prove it. She adds her hero hound is “amazing.” ***MARLAR: And Toby is now allowed to beg and be fed under the table for the rest of his life.
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not my flight instructor?”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
If you miss an exit on the highway, you just turn around at the next exit, right? But what if there IS no exit? Do you just keep driving? That’s what one woman did!
Vivienne Vanderwalt-Hudson accidentally drove down a French motorway while on vacation. She panicked because she couldn’t find a way to turn around. So she continued driving looking for a turn… for 5,000 miles… for two weeks… still looking for somewhere to turn her car around. If that’s not bad enough… she also filled up her gas tank with diesel fuel instead of regular unleaded gas.
SIDE BY SIDE – (Author Unknown)
They lie on the table side by side,
The Holy Bible and the TV guide.
One is well worn and cherished with pride,
Not the Bible . . . but the TV guide.
One is used daily to help folks decide,
No, not the Bible . . . but the TV guide.
As the pages are turned, what shall they see,
Oh, what does it matter, turn on the TV.
Then confusion reigns, they can’t all agree,
On what they should watch on the old TV.
So they open the book in which they confide,
No, not the Bible . . . but the TV guide.
The Word of God is seldom read,
Maybe a verse as they fall into bed.
Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be,
Not from reading the Bible . . . from watching TV.
So then back to the table side by side,
Lie the Holy Bible and the TV guide.
No time for prayer, no time for the Word,
The plan of Salvation is seldom heard.
But forgiveness of sin, so full and free,
Is found in the Bible . . . not on TV.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
I absolutely love dining out… but I like it even more if we can get reservations. I absolutely hate to wait in line to eat dinner!
There are other times we make reservations – renting cars, purchasing air line tickets or making hotel plans. We can do these for ourselves, or we can ask or travel agent to do so. Having reservations is a nice option; our plans are secure in the accommodations we are seeking.
Isn’t is reassuring to know that Jesus made a reservation for each of us in heaven? He told is in the bible that he would go to prepare a place for us (John 14:2,3), and I know he has! We won’t have to wait in line or be unsure of the security of our plans.
Our life eternal will be spent with Jesus, in the mansions of heaven, once we ask Him to be our travel agent. He will make those reservations with a happy heart, knowing one more of His children is coming home.
Contributed by Marian Smith.
Have you ever wondered why traffic jams occur? If everybody is driving the speed limit, they shouldn’t happen, should they?
Why does road traffic slow and jam up when there’s no particular reason, like an accident, to cause it? If you are in the middle of one of these jams, it’s easy to feel that you are being either punished or persecuted. If so, this explanation might make you feel better. At 60 miles per hour, with one car-length distance between cars for every 10 mph of speed, 40 cars per minute can pass a single point–in theory. But driver psychology triumphs over mathematics. In fact, people begin to slow down once traffic density exceeds 25 cars per minute. At 33 cars per minute they’re down to 35 mph. Any more crowding than that and the ripple affect takes over, possibly resulting in stop-and-go traffic when there’s actually still enough room for cars to move freely at highway speed.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Scorpion Venom May Help Fight Brain Tumors!
A new study showed that TM-601, a synthetic version of a protein found in the venom of giant yellow Israeli scorpions, is useful in treating brain tumors. In the study, 18 patients had surgery to remove malignant gliomas and were then injected with a solution of radioactive iodine and TM-601. The solution bound almost exclusively to leftover tumor cells. Two patients were still alive nearly 3 years after the treatment, despite a life expectancy of only a few months. Just keep in mind that this is not pure venom, and going out and purposely getting stung by a scorpion will likely get you killed faster than any brain tumor.
JUST FOR FUN
Wouldn’t it be great if you could pull up to a parking meter and never have to worry about running out of change? That’s happening in Miami right now due to the “parking fairy”!
Looks like the city of Miami has their own Parking Fairy — and it’s a man. To be exact, a man named Xavier Cortes, who roller-skates around the trendy Coconut Grove area wearing a pink wig, lavender tutu and fake wings putting change into meters about to run out. But it’s not all about altruism. It turns out Mr. Cortes is employed by local retailers and restaurateurs who feared visitors were being discouraged by parking tickets. Xavier, a professional artist with a theatre background whose works have been featured in galleries and on music album covers, said he loved his new job. ***MARLAR: By the way, in many areas of the country, putting change in the meters for cars that are not yours is illegal! What’s up with that? If the money is being placed in the meter, and the city is making the money from the parking spaces, who really gives a rip?!?
TOP FIVE THINGS TO NOT DO WHILE WAITING AT THE AIRPORT
- Sell copies of your new book, “How to smuggle liquids on a plane”
- Hum the Pakistan national anthem
- Wear a t-shirt that says “Suspected terrorist #12”
- When shoeshine guy asks, “Need a shine?” reply, “No, ’cause they might go off”
- Put up a banner that says “Mission almost accomplished”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
If you’re 40 and lonely, join the crowd. An Australian study of 1,300 people over age 18 has shown that more than one-third of adults describe themselves as lonely, and people in their 40s suffer the most. Here’s some interesting facts about who is lonely and who is not:
- People with strong religious beliefs are less likely to be lonely no matter their age. Women are more likely than men to have strong religious beliefs.
- Loneliness is more common in the unemployed.
- Being retired does not necessarily lead to loneliness.
- Poorer people tend be more lonely than those who are wealthier.
- Knowing a lot of people doesn’t guard against loneliness.
- There is no link between how long someone lives in a community and how lonely he or she feels.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
The web site Your Amazing Places is out with another edition of the most beautiful and breathtaking places in the world. From sky walking in Canada to a river of flowers in Holland, the site is helping you to see some of the places you may never have the chance to visit in person. After seeing the pics, it’s hard to see how anyone can deny the existence of God. Check out the latest list of fabulous views…
Good news from South Sudan. According to Christianity Today, Two jailed South Sudanese pastors have been set free after a judge found them guilty, but ruled that they already served their sentences.
Yat Michael and Peter Yen were convicted respectively of breaching the peace and managing a criminal or terrorist organization. Michael and Yen together faced six charges, but were not convicted of four of them, including undermining the constitutional system and espionage—charges which carry punishments of the death penalty or life imprisonment.
A new movie from the creators of Fireproof and Courageous is coming out this month. War Room is a drama with humor and heart that explores the power that prayer can have on marriages, parenting, careers, friendships, and every other area of our lives. The movie’s cast features director Alex Kendrick, Priscilla Shirer, T.C. Stallings, Beth Moore, Michael Jr., and Karen Abercrombie. War Room will be in theaters nationwide beginning Friday, August 28. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIl-XY9t_Lw
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Did you ever read that book “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”? I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone has something you want, you can remove it from them physically. And second, Elmer’s glue makes a great between-meals snack. — Gary Barkin
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
Recently, I received a vote of confidence from our church council when they elected me president. The vote was not unanimous, of course, as there was another candidate who has served on the council longer and is a wise and mature man. It was an encouragement to my soul to have earned the respect of my brothers on this team.
Almost immediately, my mind began to take its natural course and to consider vision-driven items for us to pursue. And at the same time, this odd sense of the weight of a “leadership burden” crept in. My confidence was not lacking. Just the reality of stepping into this role.
I must quickly admit that president of our church council is not like leading a mega corporation or even a mega church. We are a group of a few hundred people. But certain aspects of the “weight of leadership” come with any position of true influence.
Here are ten features that I see come with leadership territory.
- Responsibility. Whether one is the owner of a business or is in charge of operations, you agree to take on being responsible for its success. When things don’t fall in line according to your vision or plan, you become the fall guy.
- Risk Taking. Many people avoid risks. Leaders must take them…and live with the consequences. Fear often finds its home in the pressure zone of risk.
- Criticism. Every leader must be ready for critics—internally and externally. Leaders must be bold turtles—willing to stick their neck out and rely on their shell to protect their insides. Easier said than done.
- Dark Tasks. One of the heavier weights of leadership is having to fire people. Or to get involved in trying to clean up messy relationships. Other challenges include dealing with investigations, legal issues, or those things most people don’t want to do.
- Subversives. These are the people who DON’T have a leader’s best interest at heart. They quietly—or not so quietly—work to get a leader removed, or cause to fail. Any power position can attract these types—almost always with selfish and destructive motives.
- Hot Kitchen. Ever been in a commercial restaurant when the pressure is on? Things are flying. And frying. A leader will find him- or herself in situations where cool heads must prevail. And said leader must get everyone out safely.
- Confidence / Arrogance. This particular “weight” must be watched carefully. That inner assuredness that you can do the job—mixed with several successes—can cause humility to fade away. Most people find arrogance so irritating they stop cheering for their leader.
- Nightmares. Why? Lost revenues. Lost talent. Lost sleep. Need I say more?
- Stepping Away. Change will come—voluntarily or involuntarily. Succession planning reveals wisdom and caring. And knowing when to leave requires insight and boldness.
- Folding the Tent. This one hurts. For all of the Atlas efforts to keep the endeavor going, it just may not be worth it. Failure hurts. And it can appear like leadership was weak. Time to move on.
People who aspire to roles of leadership—or who accept that assignment—should be reminded by their best friends or advisors that this is “weighty territory” before running toward the job.
Leaders have another serious challenge as well. When the pressure is on and things are going bad, a leader looks for relief. Too often, that relief comes in tempting forms that revolve around unwise pursuits of pleasure.
In Isaiah 5:11-13 (NLT), we read of those whose lives went down the pleasure path: “What sorrow for those who get up early in the morning looking for a drink of alcohol and spend long evenings drinking wine to make themselves flaming drunk. They furnish wine and lovely music at their grand parties—lyre and harp, tambourine and flute—but they never think about the Lord or notice what he is doing. So my people will go into exile far away because they do not know me. Those who are great and honored will starve, and the common people will die of thirst.”
Instead, leaders must learn to create “white space” in their lives for focus and renewal. They need counselors and a “friend who sticks closer than a brother.” And above all, they need a bedrock of biblical wisdom.
As for my new church council assignment, I’m going to try to avoid calling any “meeting of the bored.”
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
AUGUST 07, 2015…
Dark Places—Adapted from Gillian Flynn’s novel, this story is set in Kansas in a time span of 25 years. Charlize Theron, as a child, witnesses a murder and accuses her brother. Now, as adults, a group is interested in reopening the case and believes the brother is innocent. Are all memories true? Also in the cast are Nicholas Hoult, Chloe Grace Moretz and Corey Stoll. “Dark Places” is rated R. No rating.
Diary of a Teenage Girl—Another film adapted from a book that was written by Phoebe Gloeckner. It is a comedy/drama and tells the story of a girl (Bel Powley) who has an affair with the boyfriend of her Mom. The stars include Kristen Wiig, Christopher Meloni and Alexander Skarsgard. “Diary“ was also an off-Broadway play. “Diary of a Teenage Girl” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Fantastic Four—Here come the comic book heroes, Reed Richards who becomes Mr. Fantastic (Miles Teller), Johnny Storm is the Human Torch (Michael B. Jordan), Ben Grimm is the Thing (Jamie Bell) and Sue Storm is the Invisible Woman (Kate Mara.) Victor (Toby Kebbel) is the villain, Dr. Doom. There is the plot, with people trying out their powers and trying to overcome the bad guy. “Fantastic Four” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Ricki and the Flash—Meryl Streep stars as a rock singer who left her family years ago to pursue her dream (Streep does her own guitar playing here.) Now, one of her children, played by real daughter Mamie Gummer, has problems and Mom is asked to come home and help. Can she do it after all these years? The cast includes Rick Springfield. What a role for Meryl Streep. “Ricki and the Flash” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the cast.
Masterminds—Based on the true incident of the Loomis Fargo bank robbery in North Carolina, 1997, the movie stars Kristen Wiig, Owen Wilson and Zach Galifianakis. A group of misfits pull off a bank robbery to the tune of millions of dollars, and then what? Jason Sudeikis is also in the cast. “Masterminds” is rated PG 13. No rating.
AUGUST 14, 2015…
The Man From U.N.C.L.E. is a remake of the famous TV series that starred Robert Vaughn. This time, Henry Cavill has the lead as Napoleon Solo.
Straight Outta Compton is in the line of a bio-pic about the hip-hop group N.W.A. Stars include Jason Mitchell and Corey Hawkins.
Underdogs is an animated film about two childhood rivals who clash again in sports. Voices of Matthew Morrison and Nicholas Hoult.
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