August 07, 2016: Sunday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160807

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Having a hard time getting started today. This heat makes me lethargic. In hot weather there are three speeds: Slow, Slower, and Postal Worker.

I may not be so funny today. Last night my comedy writer was committed.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“If you had a hundred sheep and one of them strayed away and was lost in the wilderness, wouldn’t you leave the ninety-nine others to go and search for the lost one until you found it? And then you would joyfully carry it home on your shoulders.” –Matthew 15:4,5

All your words are true; all your righteous laws are eternal. — Psalm 119:160

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? — Proverbs 6:28

Thought: I don’t know about where you are, but this time of year, you don’t have to worry about hot coals; just try the sidewalk. But this reminder about scorching coals is good for me. We get to feeling so strong inside spiritually, or we get seduced by a “favorite” temptation, and we decide we can flirt with what is sinful. But the Holy Spirit reminds us through the Wise Man that when we flirt with evil, we’re eventually going to get burned.

Prayer: Almighty God, loving Father, and tender Shepherd, please forgive me. I confess that sometimes I allow myself to flirt with what is not wholesome, right, and holy. Thank you for delivering me so often from my stupidities in this area and bless me with strength and renewed conviction as I seek to offer myself fully and completely to you and as I seek to flee what is dangerous and sinful. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Deuteronomy 8:7 NIV = For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills;

TODAY IS SUNDAY – AUGUST 07, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
43 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is PROFESSIONAL SPEAKERS DAY.  ***MARLAR: Doesn’t this just sound like a professional speaker? Creating their own holiday so people can ask them to professionally speak about what it’s like to be a professional speaker!

TWINS DAY. In 1993, in Twinsburg, Ohio, identical twins Phil and Doug Malm married identical twins Jill and Jena Lassen in front of twin ministers with 1,500 sets of twins witnessing the ceremony. It was Twins Day. ***MARLAR: An interesting fact – in the case of twins marrying twins, the resulting children are genetically more like brothers and sisters than cousins!

Today is SEA SERPENT DAY. ***MARLAR: Be on the lookout for them as you drive down (LOCALLY FLOODED STREET).

Today is NATIONAL TAKE LAST WINTER’S SNOWBALLS OUT OF THE FREEZER AND HAVE A FIGHT DAY.  ***MARLAR: You did remember to set aside a few in the freezer, didn’t you? If not, just be prepared to be bombarded today by those who did remember.

DON’T WAIT – CELEBRATE! WEEK begins today, a time dedicated to spontaneous celebrations of non-milestone events.  ***MARLAR: Heck, that describes my entire show!

Today is PARTICULARLY PREPOSTEROUS PACKAGING DAY, a day to focus on why packages are so stinkin’ hard to open.  ***MARLAR: Like CD packaging.  Something isn’t right with the world when it takes you longer to unwrap a CD than it takes to listen to it.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Friendship Day

Lighthouse Day

National Doll Day

National Kids’ Day

Sister’s Day

Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day

Professional Speakers Day

Purple Heart Day

COMING UP NEXT

MONDAY, AUGUT 08

Earth Over Shoot Day (Ecological Debt Day)

Dalek Day

Assistance Dog Day

International Cat Day

The Date To Create

Happiness Happens Day

Odie Day

Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night

TUESDAY, AUGUST 09

International Day of the World’s Indigenous People

Veep Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10

National Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Paul Bunyan Day

Skyscraper Appreciation Day

Smithsonian Day

S’more Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 11

Presidential Joke Day

Ingersoll Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 12

Kool-Aid Day

IBM PC Day

International Youth Day

Milkman Day

Sewing Machine Day

Shop Online For Groceries Day

Vinyl Record Day

World Elephant Day

Worldwide Art Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 13

International Lefthander’s Day

Middle Child Day

National Bowling Day

National Garage Sale Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 14

Chef Appreciation Day

International Rose’ Day

National Navajo Code Talkers Day

V-J Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 15

Best Friends Day

Chauvin Day

Check The Chip Day

Cupcake Day

National Relaxation Day

National No Spongebob Day

ON THIS DAY

1782: George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize merit in military enlisted men and noncommissioned officers.

1888: Theophilus Van Kannel got a patent for the revolving door. *** Mainly because people would enter a room, hear his name, and immediately have to go outside to laugh.

1947: The wooden raft Kon-Tiki, which carried Thor Heyerdahl and five companions more than 4,000 miles, crashed into a reef in the Pacific. *** And boy were they THOR after they crashed!

1963: The first beach movie starring Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello opened nationwide. “Beach Party” also starred Morey Amsterdam, Bob Cummings, and Dick Dale and the Del Tones. Ten other films in the beach series followed in the next three years.

1963: Jacqueline Kennedy became the first wife of a president since the days of Grover Cleveland to give birth while he was in the White House. The infant, a boy, died two days later.

1970: A 4-year-old Burmese cat named Tarawood in Church Westcote, England, gave birth to 19 kittens, history’s largest kitty litter. Fifteen survived.

1974: French stuntman Philippe Petit walked a tightrope strung between the twin towers of New York’s World Trade Center.

1985: Atlanta’s Ted Turner paid $1.5-billion for MGM, including all the Tom & Jerry cartoons.

1993: In Twinsburg, Ohio, identical twins Phil and Doug Malm married identical twins Jill and Jena Lassen in front of twin ministers with 1,500 sets of twins witnessing the ceremony. It was Twins Day.

1993: Police arrested a 33-year-old female robbery fugitive in a Tulsa movie theater. She was watching “The Fugitive.”

1997: Police in Lille, France, warned that the Garden Gnomes Liberation Front had made off with a dozen garden dwarfs in the past week. The 7-member group of night-time commandos, who idolized Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs, left notes vowing to “liberate” all Dwarfs from lawns, gardens, and flower beds. Earlier in the year the GGLF had liberated 30 gnomes in Normandy. ***MARLAR: Police have been very SHORT with the criminals and have LITTLE patience for these crimes, that DWARF similar acts.

1998: Some 500 attended the annual Valley View Nude Car Show near Cambridge, Wisconsin. The cars were fully dressed.

1999: Three-year-old Alessandra Scalise of Rochester, New York, received her first credit card with a $5,000 credit limit. Her mother said she returned the pre-approved application as a joke.

1999: Boston’s Wade Boggs became the first player to homer for his 3,000th hit.

2004: Two former top East German officials were given probation after being convicted by a Berlin court of failing to stop the killing of people trying to escape across the Berlin wall.

2005: Peter Jennings, anchor and senior editor of ABC News ‘World News Tonight,’ who had been fighting lung cancer, died at his New York home at age 67.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1409: The Council of Pisa, convened by the cardinals to end the Great Schism that had divided Western Christendom since 1378, closes. The council deposed both warring popes as schismatics and heretics, and elected Alexander V. It didn’t end the schism (as there were now three warring popes), but it paved the way toward a solution at the Council of Constance in 1417.

1560: The Scottish Parliament ratifies the Calvinistic “Scottish Confession,” which had been drawn up in four days principally by John Knox. The document remained the confessional standard until superseded by the Westminster Confession in 1647.

1771: Francis Asbury answers John Wesley’s call for volunteers to go to America as missionaries; he would become the father of American Methodism.

1949: The Vatican announces that bones believed to be the apostle Peter’s have been found.

1955: Wang Ming-Dao, evangelical pastor, preaches his last sermon knowing he might be arrested the next day. Title: “The son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.” Soon after midnight he was arrested by the communist Chinese.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Monster, The Devil’s Advocate, Mighty Joe Young, The Italian Job, Sweet November, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Snow White & The Huntsman, Prometheus) Charlize Theron 41

  • soap actress (“All My Children,” “The Bold and the Beautiful”) Sydney Penny 45 (audio clip)

  • actor (“The X-Files”, Zoolander, Playing God, Evolution) David Duchovney 56 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1921 : Warren Covington

1925 : Felice Bryant

1926 : Stan Freberg

1931 : Herb Reed (The Platters)

1936 : Charles Pope (The Tams)

1939 : Ron Holden

1942 : B. J. Thomas

1943 : Lana Cantrell

1945 : Kerry Chater (Gary Puckett and the Union Gap)

1949 : Carlo Novi (Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes)

1952 : Andy Fraser (Free)

1958 : Bruce Dickenson (Iron Maiden)

1960 : Jacqui O’Sullivan (Bananarama)

1964 : Ian Dench (EMF)

1966 : Kristen Hersh (Throwing Muses)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do they refer to the hottest days of summer as the dog days?

First, let’s express our appreciation to canines everywhere for being so good-natured about our negative characterization of these days in their name. Finicky felines would have long since filed a class action libel suit. Rover can blame the ancient Romans for the dog days. To turn a line from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar on its head, the fault was in their stars. Specifically, it had to do with Sirius, the Dog Star, which during July and early August appeared to rise with the sun. The Romans may have been pretty good engineers and soldiers, but they hadn’t yet bothered to invent computers and the like, and so they just connected the dots. Sirius rose with the sun, therefore it must have worked with it to make the weather icky – a pretty Sirius allegation, based on faulty science, doggone it.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Mark Hall was playing a new game recently, titled What I Hate in 5 Words. Mark’s five word submission: My mirror in the morning.

Having a Switchfoot T-shirt can even help you find the perfect spouse. One of the bands fans posted: I saw a guy with a Switchfoot t-shirt in the movie theatre. After 7 years, here we are. Mr. and Mrs. Morales.

Ryan Stevenson shared an item on his bucket list recently. He posted: I’d really love to go on an adventure with Bear Grylls.

An endorsement you don’t hear every day; one fan posted: We Are Messenger’s music is the perfect music to listen to when making chocolate peanut butter popcorn with my doggy friend.

Question of the day from Family Life Today: What are you believing God to do that only He can do?

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard says even boarding a plane can impact him. He posted: Boarding a plane still makes me feel like life’s possibilities are endless and we live in a world of beauty and wonder. http://ift.tt/2abtVPu

Casting Crowns Juan Devevo announced that he is working on a new, heart-felt French drama about household items that come to life and teach us that there is great value even if you attempt something. He says it’s entitled “Toilé Tries”. Juan then added that he is actually just walking around the house taking random pictures. https://www.instagram.com/p/BISzldzhBLO/

Question of the day from Todd Smith: So, how’s everyone feeling about the election? If you could vote for someone other than the two candidates who would it be?

NeedToBreathe has their own cookie. The band posted: Do not visit Charleston without eating a “Needtobreathe Cookie” from King Street Cookies. Money from the NeedtoBreathe cookies go to benefit the organization One World Health. https://twitter.com/rachelelawing/status/756154907724423168

Citizenway member David Blascoe is curious. He posted: So I just found 7 baseballs in the band van. Now he wants to know why they are there.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Square Meal”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Camping”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Louis the lion and all of the jungle animals went out looking for a new king, because Louis didn’t want to be king anymore. After searching long and hard, they finally came across a big throne… and a big crown… and a big lion too! Could he be the new king they’re looking for?

CLOSE: So now, after all of this time looking for a new king, do we have to start all over again? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 06/07

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We’ve secretly replaced our normal episode of As the Jungle Turns with a story that takes place on Razzleflabbin Island, where Marvy Snuffelson and all of the Razzleflabbins are about to come face to face with another Razzleflabbin… a Razzleflabbin that is PLAID! Let’s see if our audience notices…

CLOSE: You might think it’s a bit silly to be afraid of the someone that’s different – but how would you feel if someone came running up to you that was covered in stripes and lines all over his body? Maybe this Plaid Guy really is dangerous! Find out more next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh takes us to the manufacturers of airplane engines!

When building a product for someone to buy, you might think it a bad idea to tell that consumer in the operations manual that your product has a tendency not to work. If that was the case, you’d work on that flaw rather than put that information in the manual, right? Now, imagine this product as an airplane engine, with a tendency to stop without warning! Scary, isn’t it? Well, our Moment of Duh today comes from the manual of one of Rotax Aircraft Engines’ experimental aircraft. Here’s what it says:

  • “Danger! The engine, by its design, is subject to sudden stoppage…” Wouldn’t that sentence make you feel great about your new purchase? But it goes on.

  • Engine stoppage can result in crash landings. Such crash landings can lead to serious bodily injury or death…Can’t wait to try it out now, can you?

  • Never fly the aircraft equipped with this engine at locations, airspeeds, altitudes, or other circumstances from which a successful no-power landing cannot be made, after sudden engine stoppage.” In other words, unless you’re hooking this engine to a giant un-manned paper airplane, don’t fly.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS IT’S YOUR 40TH BIRTHDAY

10. Your first three birthday presents were neckties!!

9. You go to a restaurant and order salad and water.

8. Before the big evening on the town, you’ve got to both color the grey, and cover up some pimples.

7. You’re back to one candle on the birthday day cake.

6. Your name changes from “Dude” to “Sir.”

5. You suddenly stop trusting yourself.

4. You’re now much more thankful for how speed bumps slow those young punks down.

3. You’ve just realized that somehow you’re now invisible to 18-year-old girls.

2. Suddenly you feel like a loser if you ask your friends to help you move.

1. You have just completed your very own decennial review of the word “old” and have revised it upwards to 50.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Robbers accidentally steal test papers instead of money from the post office!

FILE #1: Five robbers in Athens, Greece robbed a post office, expecting to grab two bags containing about $500,000, but really grabbed the wrong bags. Despite what they made their getaway with, I’m sure they still don’t feel very smart. Instead of the money bags, they grabbed bags containing hundreds of algebra, Latin and chemistry exam papers. But hey, at least now they know what E=MC2 is all about!

FILE #2: A homeless man pleaded guilty to second-degree burglary after his beer-need defense failed to convince a judge that he was justified in breaking into a convenience store to satisfy his thirst. Superior Court Judge Thomas Wynne sentenced Steven Childress to one year in jail for the break-in in question. Steven hoped to argue that he was literally dying for a beer — he thought he was having a heart attack and needed beer. But the judge ruled that Steve’s beer-need defense failed to qualify. He suggested Steve seek help for his drinking problem.

FILE #3: You’re in your car, on your way to work, and you see in front of you a terrible accident. You see a head on collision take place, immediately killing one of the drivers. You call 911 on your cell phone and wait for the police and fire departments to show up. Oddly… they never do. Why? Because they’re stuck back at the toll booth and the toll operator won’t let them pass because they don’t have enough money to get through! That’s exactly what happened the other day in Chile! A fire engine couldn’t reach the scene of a fatal accident in Chile because firemen didn’t have enough money to pay a motorway toll. In fact, since they didn’t have enough money, they just turned around and went home. The Ministry of Public Works has apologized for the incident and says it will never happen again.

STRANGE LAW: In Globe, Arizona, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

In Milwaukee, Keith Walendowski was angry because his lawn mower wouldn’t start.

So he shot it! Police were called to the scene and Keith told them, “I can do that, it’s my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want.” That’s unfortunately not exactly true in the eyes of the law so he was arrested and charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. The neighbor who called police also said Keith was intoxicated.

PHONER PHUN

DON’T WAIT – CELEBRATE! WEEK begins today – so what will you be celebrating?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was the first supernatural sign the disciples experienced at Pentecost?
ANSWER: The sound of a “rushing mighty wind” from heaven. (Acts 2:2 = “And suddenly there came a sound from heaven, as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting.”)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In 1439, King Henry VI of England banned this act because he said it spread disease.

ANSWER: He banned kissing.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Iceland doesn’t have an army. (True)

2. A single chocolate chip gives enough energy to a human being to walk 10 feet. (False – 150 feet)

3. Stinging insects kill approximately 25 people annually in the U.S. (True)

4. Over the course of one year, a coffee tree only produces about 15 pounds of coffee. (False – only 1.5 pounds!)

5. Over $7 billion a year is spent on chocolates by consumers. (True)

6. When George Washington was President, there were about 35 federal employees. (False – 350)

7. Each weekday, the White House receives 400,000 letters. (False – 40,000)

8. Kool-Aid is the official soft drink of the state of Nebraska. (True)

9. Shirley Temple received 135,000 presents for her tenth birthday. (False – her eighth birthday)

10. Only six percent of coupons printed are ever redeemed. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

Bride Married in Dress of ____________!  (Toilet Paper)

When Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols tied the knot, the bride wore a gown made entirely of Charmin Ultra Soft and Ultra Strong toilet tissue. The intricately detailed dress was designed by Hanah Kim, winner of the 2007 Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest.  ***MARLAR: And if she began crying during the ceremony, she could just wipe the tears with her veil!  And her sleeve… and her train…

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation, tell his history and their early salary.
The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.”
The angel says, “OK, you may enter.”
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.”
The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?”
The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .”
“Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What radio station did you DJ for?”

JOKE #2

A father had four very active boys. One summer evening, he was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. 

One of the boys “shot” his father and yelled, “Bang!  You’re dead!” 

He slumped to the ground and when he didn’t get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall. 

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and said, “Shhh. Don’t give me away. It’s the only chance I’ve had to rest all day.”

JOKE #3

“Dad,” a teenaged girl says, running into her father’s den, “I’d like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!”

“You’re too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don’t have any cash left on me.”

USELESS FACTS

With nobody home, a dog in Berlin turned on a radio and had neighbors complaining about the loud music.  ***MARLAR: New woofers.

Toby, the golden retriever, is a lifesaver. That’s according to Debbie Parkhurst, who says her dog performed the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life. The Calvert, Maryland, woman says she was choking on a piece of fruit. She started beating on her chest in an attempt to dislodge the obstruction. Parkhurst says that’s when Toby pushed her to the ground and began jumping on her chest. She says the bit of apple loosened and Toby started licking her face to keep her from passing out. Parkhurst says she has the paw-shaped bruises on her chest to prove it. She adds her hero hound is “amazing.”  ***MARLAR: And Toby is now allowed to beg and be fed under the table for the rest of his life.

FEATURED FUNNIES

PHOTO SHOOT

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not my flight instructor?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

If you miss an exit on the highway, you just turn around at the next exit, right? But what if there IS no exit? Do you just keep driving? That’s what one woman did!

Vivienne Vanderwalt-Hudson accidentally drove down a French motorway while on vacation. She panicked because she couldn’t find a way to turn around. So she continued driving looking for a turn… for 5,000 miles… for two weeks… still looking for somewhere to turn her car around. If that’s not bad enough… she also filled up her gas tank with diesel fuel instead of regular unleaded gas.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SIDE BY SIDE – (Author Unknown)

They lie on the table side by side,

The Holy Bible and the TV guide.

One is well worn and cherished with pride,

Not the Bible . . . but the TV guide.

One is used daily to help folks decide,

No, not the Bible . . . but the TV guide.

As the pages are turned, what shall they see,

Oh, what does it matter, turn on the TV.

Then confusion reigns, they can’t all agree,

On what they should watch on the old TV.

So they open the book in which they confide,

No, not the Bible . . . but the TV guide.

The Word of God is seldom read,

Maybe a verse as they fall into bed.

Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be,

Not from reading the Bible . . . from watching TV.

So then back to the table side by side,

Lie the Holy Bible and the TV guide.

No time for prayer, no time for the Word,

The plan of Salvation is seldom heard.

But forgiveness of sin, so full and free,

Is found in the Bible . . . not on TV.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

RESERVATIONS

I absolutely love dining out… but I like it even more if we can get reservations. I absolutely hate to wait in line to eat dinner!

There are other times we make reservations – renting cars, purchasing air line tickets or making hotel plans. We can do these for ourselves, or we can ask or travel agent to do so. Having reservations is a nice option; our plans are secure in the accommodations we are seeking.

Isn’t is reassuring to know that Jesus made a reservation for each of us in heaven? He told is in the bible that he would go to prepare a place for us (John 14:2,3), and I know he has! We won’t have to wait in line or be unsure of the security of our plans.

Our life eternal will be spent with Jesus, in the mansions of heaven, once we ask Him to be our travel agent. He will make those reservations with a happy heart, knowing one more of His children is coming home.

Contributed by Marian Smith.

LEFTOVERS

TRAFFIC JAM

Have you ever wondered why traffic jams occur?  If everybody is driving the speed limit, they shouldn’t happen, should they? 

Why does road traffic slow and jam up when there’s no particular reason, like an accident, to cause it?  If you are in the middle of one of these jams, it’s easy to feel that you are being either punished or persecuted. If so, this explanation might make you feel better. At 60 miles per hour, with one car-length distance between cars for every 10 mph of speed, 40 cars per minute can pass a single point–in theory. But driver psychology triumphs over mathematics. In fact, people begin to slow down once traffic density exceeds 25 cars per minute. At 33 cars per minute they’re down to 35 mph. Any more crowding than that and the ripple affect takes over, possibly resulting in stop-and-go traffic when there’s actually still enough room for cars to move freely at highway speed.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Scorpion Venom May Help Fight Brain Tumors!

A new study showed that TM-601, a synthetic version of a protein found in the venom of giant yellow Israeli scorpions, is useful in treating brain tumors. In the study, 18 patients had surgery to remove malignant gliomas and were then injected with a solution of radioactive iodine and TM-601. The solution bound almost exclusively to leftover tumor cells. Two patients were still alive nearly 3 years after the treatment, despite a life expectancy of only a few months. Just keep in mind that this is not pure venom, and going out and purposely getting stung by a scorpion will likely get you killed faster than any brain tumor.

JUST FOR FUN

PARKING FAIRY

Wouldn’t it be great if you could pull up to a parking meter and never have to worry about running out of change?  That’s happening in Miami right now due to the “parking fairy”!

Looks like the city of Miami has their own Parking Fairy — and it’s a man. To be exact, a man named Xavier Cortes, who roller-skates around the trendy Coconut Grove area wearing a pink wig, lavender tutu and fake wings putting change into meters about to run out. But it’s not all about altruism. It turns out Mr. Cortes is employed by local retailers and restaurateurs who feared visitors were being discouraged by parking tickets. Xavier, a professional artist with a theatre background whose works have been featured in galleries and on music album covers, said he loved his new job. ***MARLAR: By the way, in many areas of the country, putting change in the meters for cars that are not yours is illegal!  What’s up with that?  If the money is being placed in the meter, and the city is making the money from the parking spaces, who really gives a rip?!?

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE THINGS TO NOT DO WHILE WAITING AT THE AIRPORT

  • Sell copies of your new book, “How to smuggle liquids on a plane”

  • Hum the Pakistan national anthem

  • Wear a t-shirt that says “Suspected terrorist #12”

  • When shoeshine guy asks, “Need a shine?” reply, “No, ’cause they might go off”

  • Put up a banner that says “Mission almost accomplished”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

MR. LONELY

If you’re 40 and lonely, join the crowd. An Australian study of 1,300 people over age 18 has shown that more than one-third of adults describe themselves as lonely, and people in their 40s suffer the most. Here’s some interesting facts about who is lonely and who is not:

  • People with strong religious beliefs are less likely to be lonely no matter their age. Women are more likely than men to have strong religious beliefs.

  • Loneliness is more common in the unemployed.

  • Being retired does not necessarily lead to loneliness.

  • Poorer people tend be more lonely than those who are wealthier.

  • Knowing a lot of people doesn’t guard against loneliness.

  • There is no link between how long someone lives in a community and how lonely he or she feels.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The Accessible Bible is bringing God’s Word to those with learning disabilities. The Accessible Bible utilizes special fonts, illustrations and layouts that make for easier reading and comprehension. Audio and e-book versions will also be available. Officials from Biblica (the makers of the Accessible Bible) says: Those with disabilities are often viewed as the least evangelized group in the world, and we want to see people reached in this group with the Bible.” Biblica is currently in the process of raising funds for the project, which is starting off as only a New Testament and is set to be printed in spring 2017.

http://bit.ly/29rf85o

Children who grow up in same-sex parented households may face a significantly higher risk of depression later in life.

That’s the conclusion of a study published a few weeks ago, without fanfare, in the open-access journal Depression Research and Treatment. The study found that young adults who had grown up with same-sex parents were more than twice as likely to be depressed as those raised by a mother and a father. The study uses survey data that followed adolescents over a period of 13 years. Although 18 percent of children in same-sex households reported feeling symptoms of depression as adolescents, about half of same-sex-parented children had become depressed after reaching the age of about 28. By comparison, only about one-fifth of children of opposite-sex parents were depressed in adulthood.

https://world.wng.org/2016/07/depression_and_same_sex_parenting

Why Does Prayer Sometimes Feel So Boring?

We don’t get instant gratification.

We don’t empathize with others.

We forget God’s power.

We think God is measuring the amount of time.

We’re accustomed to the idea of it.

Does prayer feel boring?  How do you snap out of that?  Relevant Magazine has a few ideas.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/why-does-prayer-sometimes-feel-so-boring

Joke thieves beware: Twitter seems to be cracking down on plagiarism. In a freewheeling universe home to millions of spambots, fake celebrities and trolls, it’s no surprise that many Twitter accounts habitually steal short quips to rack up followers. But now the social network is erasing and hiding a number of tweets reported as stolen.  ***Just so you know, “Thou shalt not steal” counts even if it’s only 140 characters at a time.

http://on.mash.to/1gW7LDT

The web site Your Amazing Places is out with another edition of the most beautiful and breathtaking places in the world. From sky walking in Canada to a river of flowers in Holland, the site is helping you to see some of the places you may never have the chance to visit in person. After seeing the pics, it’s hard to see how anyone can deny the existence of God.  Check out the latest list of fabulous views…

http://ow.ly/QzrFt

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Did you ever read that book “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”? I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone has something you want, you can remove it from them physically. And second, Elmer’s glue makes a great between-meals snack. — Gary Barkin

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 05, 2016…

 

*The Founder’s release date has changed to mid-December 2016. Stars Michael Keaton as Ray Kroc who founded McDonald’s.

 

Nine Lives—Kevin Spacey steps away from “House Of Cards” to be inside a family cat and to learn a lesson in humility. What a step down for this multi-millionaire as he learns family secrets. Christopher Walken is a pet shop owner. “Nine Lives” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Suicide Squad—Here is a collection of DC Comic Book villains who are at the bottom of the barrel. We meet Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie), Deadshot (Will Smith) and Captain Boomerang (Jai Courtney) to name a few. Premise has them released from prison to fight other bad guys who want to blow things up. Sigh. “Suicide Squad” is rated R. No rating.

 

Five Nights In Maine (opening in select cities)—A young woman dies and her husband (David Oyelowo) goes to be with his mother-in-law (Dianne Weist.) Open discussion happens during the grief process.  “Five Weeks In Maine” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

AUGUST 12, 2016…

 

Cafe Society is a Woody Allen film and a romantic comedy set in the 1930’s in Hollywood. Stars Jesse Eisenberg.

 

Florence Foster Jenkins stars Meryl Streep in the true story of a socialite who had a below-average singing voice, but thought she was spectacular, so would schedule concerts for herself.

 

Pete’s Dragon, which combines real actors with action figures, is the story of an orphan (Oakes Fegley), who meets a friendly dragon named Elliott.

 

Sausage Party is an animated film about talking food, but the theme is adult. Voices include Seth Rogen, Edward Norton and Kristin Wiig.

 

Spectral is a military theme with Emily Mortimer going against a phantom.

 

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.