August 08, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160808

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Sorry I’m a bit late today – I was outside having an autograph session with my fan.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

So be very careful how you live. Do not live like those who are not wise, but live wisely. Use every chance you have to do good, because these are evil times. So do not be foolish but learn what the Lord wants you to do. –Ephesians 5:15-17 (NLV)

The Lord is our judge, the Lord is our lawgiver, the Lord is our king; it is he who will save us. — Isaiah 33:22

You gave abundant showers, O God; you refreshed your weary inheritance. — Psalm 68:9

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. — 1 Corinthians 7:4-5

Thought: In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Paul told us that our bodies were not our own, but that we had been bought at a price. Once again in chapter 7, he reminds each of us that when we marry, our body is not our own, it belongs to our spouse. We are to use our bodies to bless, please, and bring fulfillment to our marriage partner. This is crucial to our marriage relationship and also to please God!

Prayer: Holy and loving God, Abba Father, please forgive me when I have cheapened myself by not treating my body as a gift to you. Whether it is in marriage or whether it is as a single, I want to use my body in a way that is holy and pleasing to you (and to my marriage partner). In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Zechariah 8:8 NIV = …they will be my people, and I will be faithful and righteous to them as their God.”

TODAY IS MONDAY – AUGUST 08, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
42 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is ODIE DAY, marking the birth of Odie the dog, Garfield’s best friend, who first appeared on the comic pages on this day in 1978.  ***MARLAR: That makes him 38 years old today – or 266 in “dog years!”  Wow… Odie looks great for his age, doesn’t he?

Today is NATIONAL FROZEN CUSTARD DAY.  ***MARLAR: They froze him? I figured they just buried General Custard like everyone else! (Oh, okay – I know that was a groaner.)

Tonight is SNEAK SOME ZUCCHINI ONTO YOUR NEIGHBOR’S PORCH NIGHT, a night for gardeners who grew too much zucchini. ***MARLAR: Or take it to your local frozen custard place and have them make a zucchini concrete!

Today is ADMIT YOU’RE HAPPY DAY.  ***MARLAR: Which you might be, if you open your front door tomorrow morning and discover a basket of zucchini.  Assuming you LIKE zucchini. You probably WON’T be happy though if someone offers you a frozen zucchini custard.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Earth Over Shoot Day (Ecological Debt Day)

Dalek Day

Assistance Dog Day

International Cat Day

The Date To Create

Happiness Happens Day

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, AUGUST 09

International Day of the World’s Indigenous People

Veep Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10

National Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Paul Bunyan Day

Skyscraper Appreciation Day

Smithsonian Day

S’more Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 11

Presidential Joke Day

Ingersoll Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 12

Kool-Aid Day

IBM PC Day

International Youth Day

Milkman Day

Sewing Machine Day

Shop Online For Groceries Day

Vinyl Record Day

World Elephant Day

Worldwide Art Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 13

International Lefthander’s Day

Middle Child Day

National Bowling Day

National Garage Sale Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 14

Chef Appreciation Day

International Rose’ Day

National Navajo Code Talkers Day

V-J Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 15

Best Friends Day

Chauvin Day

Check The Chip Day

Cupcake Day

National Relaxation Day

National No Spongebob Day

ON THIS DAY

1471: Thomas Kempis died at Mount Saint Agnes monastery in the Netherlands where he had lived for 64 years. He wrote Imitation of Christ, a work translated into all languages, still published and read today, more than 500 years after it was written.

1923: Clarinetist Benny Goodman got his first professional job as a band leader on a Chicago excursion boat. He was 14 years old.

1926: Webb Pierce was born in West Monroe, Louisiana. He had 51 Top 10 country records, including “In the Jailhouse Now,” “There Stands the Glass,” and “I Don’t Care.” He died in 1991.

1934: Bing Crosby recorded “Just A-Wearyin’ For You” and “I Love You Truly,” the first songs to be released on the new Decca Records label: single #D-100.

1941: Joe DiMaggio, the Yankee Clipper, got a new nickname when Les Brown & His Band of Renown recorded “Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio” on Okey Records.

1970: Singer Janis Joplin purchased a marker for the Philadelphia grave of blues singer Bessie Smith. Bessie died in 1937.

1974: President Richard Nixon announced he would resign following new damaging revelations in the Watergate scandal.

1975: Singer Hank Williams Jr. fell 500 feet down a Montana mountain and survived, but recuperation took two years.

1988: 39,012 fans attended the first night baseball game at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. ***MARLAR: It was then that they decided, “Hey, maybe we should get lights next time!”

1991: Students at Stanly Community College in Albermarle, North Carolina, set a world record by filling a container with 5,438 cubic feet of popped popcorn. Three weeks later a British theater staff broke the record by 541 cubic feet.

1994: Israel and Jordan opened the first road link between the two once-warring countries.

1995: The regime of Iraq`s Saddam Hussein was shaken when his two older daughters, their husbands and other senior army officers defected.

1999: Tish, the world’s oldest captive goldfish, died in Yorkshire, England, at the age of 43. At least. Seven-year-old Peter Hand had won Tish at a fair in 1956. The fish swam with the family until his death.

2001: An Egyptian man claimed he had been married 203 times. 78-year-old Mustafa Semeda said he first got married in 1947. He only had three children and said he was permanently searching for his ideal woman. Egyptian and Islamic law allow polygamy but limit the number of wives to four at any one time.

2004: Actress Fay Wray, held atop the Empire State Building by the giant ape in the 1933 film classic “King Kong,” died in New York City at age 96.

2006: A jet airliner landed safely after one of its doors fell off and crashed to earth next to a supermarket shortly after departure from Sao Paulo, Bazil. No one was hurt in the incident. The Fokker 100 plane with 79 people aboard en route to Rio de Janeiro returned to the airport safely 18 minutes after taking off.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1471: Thomas a Kempis, Dutch mystic and devotional author of The Imitation of Christ, dies at age 91. In his classic, Thomas wrote, “We must imitate Christ’s life and his ways if we are to be truly enlightened and set free from the darkness of our own hearts. Let it be the most important thing we do, then, to reflect on the life of Jesus Christ.

1492: Albrecht Durer’s art is published for the first time when one of his woodcuts serves as the title page for St. Jerome’s letters. In a few years, he became one of the most famous painters and engravers in Germany.

1852: Swedish-born Gustaf Palmquist baptizes three converts in the Mississippi river at Rock island Illinois, initiating the organization later known as the Baptist General Conference, which a century and a half later had grown to over 800,000 members.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Moesha”, “227”) Countess Vaughn 38 (audio clip)

  • Odie (the dog from the “Garfield” comic strip) 38

  • Actor (Ralph Malph on “Happy Days”) Donny Most, 63 (audio clip)

  • actor (The Long Riders and host of the History Channel’s “Wild West Tech”, brother to the late David Carradine) Keith Carradine 67

  • Actor (“CHiPs’” officer Jon Baker) Larry Wilcox, 69 (audio clip)

  • actress (Grease 2, Back to the Beach) Connie Stevens 78

  • Actor (Runaway Jury, The Graduate, Sphere, Wag the Dog) Dustin Hoffman, 79 — Dustin was considered for the role of Michael Corleone in The Godfather. The role went to Al Pacino.

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1857 : Cécile Chaminade

1907 : Benny Carter

1921 : Webb Pierce

1923 : Jimmy Witherspoon

1926 : Urbie Green

1932 : Mel Tillis

1933 : Joe Tex

1938 : Connie Stevens

1939 : Phil Balsley (The Statler Brothers)

1942 : John David (Dr. Hook)

1944 : Michael Johnson

1949 : Keith Carradine

1949 : Airrion Love (The Stylistics)

1950 : Andy Fairweather-Low (Amen Corner)

1956 : Ali Score (A Flock Of Seagulls)

1957 : Dennis Drew (10,000 Maniacs)

1958 : Chris Foreman (Madness)

1961 : The Edge (David Evans) (U2)

1961 : Rikki Rocket (Poison)

1962 : Kool Moe Dee

1976 : Drew Lachey (98 Degrees)

1976 : JC Chasez (‘N Sync)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where did “B-Movies” come from?

During the Depression, “B” movies were coupled with “A” movies to produce a double-billing at U.S. theaters. This was a desperate effort of film studio heads to draw in budget-conscience audiences with meager allowances for entertainment. By the 1940s, Columbia Pictures and MGM had perfected the “B” flick to the point that it was difficult to tell it from an “A” picture. “B” movies were profitable, and Universal Pictures turned out an average of one B-film each week. Most B-films took from 7 days to 3 weeks (including Saturdays) to make. Scant time was spent on rehearsals or costume fittings.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

The new album from Jordan Feliz features a song called The River. However, the name might cause a little confusion if you are also listening to Hillary Scott’s new CD. Jordan posted: “When writing over 100 songs for my record I happened to write 2 songs called The River. After recording my song The River, I caught word that Hillary Scott was going to be recording the other song I wrote called The River.” Jordan doesn’t seem to mind, though. He added: “Hearing one of my favorite female vocalists ever sing one of my songs is totally a dream come true.”

Britt Nicole had this to say about radio: I love radio stations! I love what they do! I love how many people they are able to reach with their stories and the songs! The world is looking for hope, and everyday these people wake up and pour into the lives of their city!!! https://www.instagram.com/p/BIqnqIjj627/

Casting Crowns Chris Huffman posted this week: Only one thing worse than being sick with a cold in the winter, being sick with a cold in summer. How is this possible?

The American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers will present singer and comedian Mark Lowry with its prestigious Golden Note Award at the 38th annual ASCAP Christian Music Awards. The awards will be held on Monday, September 26th at Rocketown in downtown Nashville. The invitation-only gala will be hosted by Michael W. Smith. http://bit.ly/2aLpIrb

Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips posted last week: Just discovering snapchat and I gotta say it’s fun! Hanging in my trailer with my new friends!

Matt Maher says it’s time to learn Spanish. The worship leader has been part of the past two World Youth Day events. At the latest event in Poland, it was announced that the next World Youth Day will be in Panama in 2019.

Jamie Grace quoted her mother this week: The bible doesn’t say, “the truth will set you free if you agree,” it simply says, “the truth will set you FREE!'”

Aaron Shust was recently reliving memories of college life. He took his boys to visit the falls near Toccoa College, Aaron’s al ma mater. He posted: I spent many afternoons studying near the base of these falls, may have stood on top the falls playing Last of the Mohicans on the clarinet when tourists visited below…and also may have walked around the base of the falls one January when it froze over except for a trickle.

Mercyme drummer Robby Shafer was recently part of an interview with Australian radio. As part of the 25 minute interview, Robby talks about their recent show in the Bahamas’, the bands early days, and more. http://rhemacatchup.com/?p=46929

Question of the day: With the constant stories of unrest, violence and disease, if you qualified for the Olympics, would you go?

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Walt Disney Studios is developing a reboot of the 1991 action adventure movie The Rocketeer. The project, in the early development stages, is considered a sequel-reboot and, in a modern-day twist, will be headlined by a black female character.  ***Because the gender-swap idea was sooooo successful with Ghostbusters.

Hot off its cheesy collaboration with Burger King, Cheetos will contribute its puffs to a brand-new Taco Bell product: The Cheetos Burrito. Taco Bell will begin testing the new Cheetos Burrito in Cincinnati in mid-August where it will sell for $1.  ***Yo quiero Taco WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!?!

A new Electoral College Map from the University of Virginia Center for Politics projects Hillary Clinton winning the November election by a landslide.  *** But then we ARE talking about the Clintons – so we have at least six or seven scandals yet to go before the election.

At the Olympic swimming pool, the world’s best swimmers are never more than a few strokes from the pool wall and always within reach of a buoyant lane marker. They are constantly watched by countless coaches and assistants. And lifeguards. The Olympic swimming pool has lifeguards, just in case someone like Michael Phelps, winner of 18 gold medals, needs to be rescued. The lifeguards are on duty during competitions as well as practices.  ***Although, I think you have to agree that if you have a hard time not drowning while swimming, you probably shouldn’t be considered for the Olympic Swim Team.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A recent study from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics has found that the average American spends only 19 minutes a day reading. Those 34 and under are reading less than ten minutes a day.  ***MARLAR: Which is hard to believe with as many texts as they are sending.

Feeling lonely? Research suggests you might want to reach out. Not only is loneliness an unpleasant condition, it can harm the body’s immune system.  The study reveals people who are lonely experience more reactivation of latent viruses in their systems than the well-connected. Lonely people also are more likely than others to produce inflammatory compounds in response to stress, a factor implicated in heart disease and other chronic disorders. ***MARLAR: Inflammatory compounds?  Who knew the movie “Carrie” was a documentary?

Scientists are trying to determine whether a group of dwarfs in Ecuador — all of them living in a remote village on the slopes of the Andes Mountains — could hold the clues to cure cancer.  The members of the group, about 100 of them closely studied by researchers from the University of Southern California, almost never get cancer or diabetes. And they all suffer from mutated genes that lower their growth hormone activity, stunting their growth.  In an article published in the journal Science Translational Medicine, researchers suggest that blocking growth hormone in full-grown adults, through prescription drugs or a special diet, could unlock the mysteries of cancer. ***MARLAR: In honor of the village, Randy Newman has rewritten his controversial tune, “Short People” to say “short people got no reason to be biopsied.”

If you miss a deadline and you need a really good excuse, the experts say there’s nothing more reliable than that old standby: “My grandmother died.” A survey of 175 undergrads and 106 instructors at Southern Illinois University shows that the grandma routine was the excuse most often used by students for late papers and missed exams. More importantly, perhaps, it was also the excuse most often accepted by professors. One of the instructors responding to the survey said, “In my 27 years, I have never had a dead grandfather – only grandmothers.” ***MARLAR: Sounds to me like homework is placing grandmothers in mortal danger.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Square Meal”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Camping”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Louis the lion and all of the jungle animals went out looking for a new king, because Louis didn’t want to be king anymore. After searching long and hard, they finally came across a big throne… and a big crown… and a big lion too! Could he be the new king they’re looking for?

CLOSE: So now, after all of this time looking for a new king, do we have to start all over again? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 13/14

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins on Razzleflabbin Island were running for their lives to get away from someone they called, the Plaid Guy! They’re so scared they’ve built plaid shelters, run numerous emergency plaid drills, and hired a scout to do nothing but stay awake and look for the Plaid Guy!

CLOSE: Oh no! It looks like Marvy isn’t fast enough to stay away from the Plaid Guy! What’s going to happen? Will the plaid guy eat Marvy? Will he eat Marvy’s teddy bear? Will he make Marvy go shopping for plaid shirts? Oh, how gruesome! Tune in next time to find out what happens… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Getting into the fair for free can be a sign of cleverness…or a sign of inDUHvidualism.

18-year-old Amber Anne Miller of Cornona, California, didn’t want to pay the entrance fee to the Orange County Fair. So she went to fair officials and told them that her 12-year-old sister was lost at the fair.  They wanted her to fill out a missing-persons report before they let her in to look for her. So she did… and they let her in. And they also let in dozens of reserve deputies to help her look for her little 12-year-old sister.  When closing time came at midnight and there was no sign of Amber or her sister, they got a little suspicious. That’s when they called Amber’s parents who told them there was no 12-year-old sister.  Busted!  Now Amber’s been charged with two misdemeanors: resisting, obstructing or delaying the duties of a public officer, and falsely reporting an emergency.  Way to go, Amber.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU CAN’T DRIVE

10. You refer to the windshield as the exit

9. The community college filmmaking class paid you $10 to drive around the parking lot. It seems they can’t afford a stunt driver.

8. As a safety measure, you removed the rear and side view mirrors because they were “distracting.”

7. You keep hearing “Where did you get your license?” from that nosy guy on your hood.

6. Your name becomes a traffic fatality verb, as in “Look out honey, you almost Bob-Smithed that guy!”

5. You use the pedals like on a bicycle: left, right, left, right…

4. Instead of “wash me,” people write “kill me” on the back of your car.

3. You have even managed to roll a bumper car.

2. Hitch-hikers see you coming and pretend not to be hitch-hiking.

1. Your insurance company only agreed to continue your coverage if your car is fitted with the landing balloons from the Mars lander.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man asks for Grey Poupon and ends up getting a gun stuck in his face instead!

FILE #1: Police arrested a Sandy, Utah, man who allegedly pulled a handgun on a teenage driver who asked if he had any “Grey Poupon.” Investigators said the 22-year-old man was incensed at the request for Dijon mustard, a reference to an old commercial for the product, and pulled a black handgun from his glove compartment. The three teens in the other car said the man cocked the weapon, pointed it at them, and said: “Here’s your Grey Poupon.” One of the car’s occupants took down the man’s license plate number and the suspect admitted to the incident when confronted by officers. The man was charged with a third-degree felony count of aggravated assault.

FILE #2: Police in College Hill, Ohio, arrested a man for stealing 32 deodorant products from a Walgreens.  Cops say Martin Steve Johnson entered the drug store Monday and transferred 18 sticks of Degree deodorant, 10 sticks of Axe deodorant and five bottles of Axe body spray from his shopping basket to his book bag before walking off. Officers caught up with Johnson behind a Chili’s restaurant and arrested him.

FILE #3: In Wilmington, Delaware, an unidentified woman told police she caught a burglar stealing property and taking it out of her house. When she told him to drop her stuff, he said, “no” and rode of on his bike. So she got in her car and chased him down. When he still wouldn’t stop she started bumping the bike with her car until he finally did drop the stolen property. She then picked up her things, drove home and called 911. Police are still looking for the suspect.

STRANGE LAW: In Omaha, Nebraska, barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers’ chests.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Can you crash twice in the span of just a few seconds? You can if your brain is on drugs.

Two intoxicated friends crashed their pickup truck into a parked car in Peekskill, New York, then drove down the street and crashed again. Police said one of the men couldn’t pull the truck free of the parked car he had hit so his friend hopped behind the wheel and managed to get it loose – only to drive it into another parked car down the block. Both men were charged with DUI and leaving the scene of an accident.

PHONER PHUN

If you could only take one album with you into eternity, what would it be? And why?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who dreamed about a tree that reached to heaven?

ANSWER: Nebuchadnezzar (DANIEL 4:4,5,10,11) 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s the only mammal that has hair on the soles of its feet?

ANSWER; Polar bears

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Kiwis are the only birds that hunt by smell. (True)

2. Superman is known as the “Caped Crusader.” (False, it’s Batman)

3. The New Jersey Devils are a professional basketball team. (False, there a professional hockey team)

4. The state of Hawaii consists of 8 main islands. (True)

5. The Ford Motor Company’s answer to Chevrolet’s popular Corvette roadster in the 1950s was the Mustang. (False, it was the Thunderbird)

6. The woman whom legend (but not fact) credits with designing the first American flag is Barbara Bell. (False, it was Betsy Ross)

7. The largest antique ever sold was The London Bridge. (True, it was completed in 1831 and sold and transported to Lake Havasu City, Arizona in 1968.)

8. Nicknames for the city of Memphis, Tennessee, include “The Metropolis of the New South” and “Derby Town”. (False, those nicknames are for Louisville, Kentucky)

9. The pole used in the game of shuffleboard is called a “cue.” (True)

10. Billy Joel was actually the first celebrity guest on TV’s “Sesame Street.” (False, it was James Earl Jones)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Guy Eats 47 _______ in 10 Minutes!” (Grilled Cheese Sandwiches)


Joey Chestnut is the new big cheese of grilled cheese. He’s set a new world’s record, by downing 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes– eleven more than the old mark. In July, Joey joins other world class big eaters for the mother of all eating contests – Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July hot dog chow-down in Coney Island, New York.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

I was with a friend in a cafe’ when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. “What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?” I wondered aloud.

“Some are quite effective,” my friend corrected me. “Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors’. Whenever I wanted him home, I’d go out to the driveway and kick his car.”

JOKE #2

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor’s office.

”Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping
pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the man answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the man wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard
getting him to swallow the pill!!!”

JOKE #3

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: “IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.”

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: “MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT ‘OUT OF IT.'”

USELESS FACTS

An Australian artist who thought his talent was being unfairly ignored was jailed for three months for launching a bomb scare to get attention.  ***MARLAR: It worked though – and now he’s complaining about being unfairly incarcerated.

Teenagers who have a television in their bedroom tend to eat a poor diet, have bad exercise habits and have lower grades in school than their friends who don’t have a TV in their room, according to a new study from the University of Minnesota School of Public Health.  ***MARLAR: I knew my poor health wasn’t my fault!  It’s all because of Gilligan’s Island!!!

FEATURED FUNNIES

BABIES COST A FORTUNE

A little girl, enchanted by her new baby cousin, asked her mother, “Can’t we have a baby?”

“I don’t believe so, darling,” her mother replied. “They cost too much.”

“How much?” the child inquired.

“Oh, about $4,000,” her mother said.

The youngster thought for a moment, then said, “That’s not very much, when you consider how long they last.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

What’s in a name? Well – a lot of misery if your name happens to be “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.”

A New Zealand Judge ordered that a 9-year-old girl named Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii be given a new – and less insane – name. The judge made the girl a ward of the court so that her name could be changed. The new name was not made public to protect the girl’s privacy. Other crazy names submitted to New Zealand Name Registration Officials include Fish and Chips, Violence, Yeah Detroit and Sex Fruit.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A PIECE OF CAKE

A little boy is telling his Grandma how everything is going wrong, school, family problems, severe health problems, etc.  Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which, of course, He does. “Here, have some cooking oil.”
“Yuck” says the boy.
“How about a couple raw eggs? ”
“Gross, Grandma!”
“Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?”
“Grandma, those are all yucky!”
To which Grandma replies: “Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!” God is crazy about you! He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He’ll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. Hope your day is a “piece of cake!”
–T. J. Malone

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

COUNT IT ALL JOY

Read: James 1:2-12

Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life. —James 1:12

A pastor placed this sign on his door: “If you have problems, come in and tell me all about them. If you don’t have any problems, come in and tell me how you avoid them.”

What do we do when problems come unannounced and with great intensity? James told us to “count it all joy,” because trials do not happen without a reason. He said, “The testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete” (James 1:3-4). Armed with this understanding, our prayer changes from asking God “why” to thanking Him for what He is doing.

Having endured many trials and facing a new struggle with cancer, Our Daily Bread author Joanie Yoder shared her thoughts in a letter: “I have relinquished my destiny to God’s will. Nothing, praise God, not even cancer, can thwart His will. I may have cancer, but cancer doesn’t have me—God alone has me. So in this light, I would value your prayers that Christ may be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death.”

Trials are unavoidable and unpredictable, and they come in an unimaginable variety. Knowing that our sovereign God will walk with us and use trials to deepen our maturity, we can count them “all joy.” —Albert Lee

Heavenly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whatever befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well. —Crosby

We can endure trials in this life because of the joys in the life to come.

LEFTOVERS

STOP BUGGING ME!

A woman finds a cockroach on her tongue and sprays it with bug spray. Bad news for the cockroach… and bad news for the woman’s tongue!

An Israeli woman suffered chemical burns after spraying pesticide into her mouth when a flying cockroach landed on her tongue. The 20-year-old, from Jerusalem, burnt her mouth, tongue, vocal cords and lower larynx and needed hospital treatment. She says she hates cockroaches more than snakes and did not think first before grabbing the pesticide. ***MARLAR: Forget that… how do you get a cockroach on your tongue to begin with?!?! And once you do, who in their right mind is going to keep a cockroach on their tongue with their mouth open long enough to get the bug spray? This whole story gives me the creeps!

LIFE… LIVE IT

AMERICA’S WORST RESTAURANTS FOR KIDS

A year-long study of children’s meals has revealed vast dietary differences among America’s favorite fast-food and sit-down chain restaurants, according to the authors of the new book “Eat This, Not That! For Kids.” Co-authors David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding calculated calories, fat (trans- and saturated), and sodium, as well as the average number of calories per child’s entree, and discovered that many of America’s most popular chain restaurants are nutritional nightmares. The result is a Restaurant Report Card that holds each food chain accountable for the fare they’re serving. Did your favorite restaurant make the grade?

  • Chick-fil-A (A)

  • Subway (A-)

  • Boston Market (B+)

  • McDonald’s (B)

  • Domino’s (C+)

  • Burger King (C)

  • Chipotle (D)

  • Applebee’s, IHOP, Olive Garden, Outback, Red Lobster, T.G.I. Friday’s (F)

SUMMER SCIENCE FUN!

It’s summer but your children can still learn. The web site Kids Adventures released links to the top YouTube science experiments for kids. Some of these and easy experiments include a Mentos geyser, color changing milk, monster foam, and more. Check out the videos and maybe even try a couple on your own! http://dld.bz/duXNA

JUST FOR FUN

DISTURBING PEACE

A woman is arrested for disturbing the peace… at a wedding!

City police say Marie Salomon could not forever hold her peace. Marie was arrested at a wedding and charged with breach of peace for allegedly objecting too strenuously to the marriage of the bride and groom. Officers say when the minister asked if anyone had cause as to why the couple shouldn’t get married, Salomon screamed and yelled and refused to stop. The minister at First Baptist Church asked police to remove her from the church so he could continue with the wedding. Salomon was released after posting a $500 bond. ***MARLAR: It’s just like I tell my wife. If you don’t want to hear the answer, don’t ask the question!

FUN LIST

(From TheKidDictionary.com)

  • GARBOFLAGE (v.) To hide your child’s artwork under other trash in wastebasket so they don’t catch you throwing it away.

  • STOCKTEASE (n.):  A child who lets you buy large quantities of their favorite food at the grocery store and then immediately decides that they don’t like it anymore.

  • TOYPHOON (n.): Routine recreational activities of children that leave their playroom looking like it was decimated by a hurricane.

  • TWIRPLE (v.):  When a child playing baseball gets to third base on a hit that didn’t make it out of the infield.

  • WASPTUSI (n.): The frantic dance of a child trying to elude a bee.

  • BOOTALITY(n): The notion that “keep your hands to yourself” means it’s still okay to kick someone.

  • UPTITUDE (n): The intense desire to be the one who presses the button on an elevator.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Well this is gross. Look around your office or workplace now. Pick out a group of eight men. According to researchers, one of those eight wears their underwear two or three times before washing it. The survey, conducted by Clorox, also found guys 18 to 29 wash their bed sheets around one a month (compared to once a week for women).

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

When a six-month-old baby was shot and killed in gang-related violence in the Chicago neighborhood of Woodlawn three years ago, Corey Brooks and his New Beginnings Church ministered to the grieving family. This June, however, when another child—this time, a toddler—was paralyzed in a similar shooting on Father’s Day, Brooks decided to go further, inviting more than 100 gang members together so he could broker a truce. Brooks says he emphasized the pain that everyone has experienced as a result of these shootings and the great need for us to have a community where our children are free to go out and play. He says a truce is now in place and, at this point, it is still going strong.

http://bit.ly/2aLHA2b

Evangelist Ray Comfort is declaring Atheism is dead with new film. According to Charisma News, thousands have already purchased an early viewing of a one-hour movie that its producers claim destroys atheism with one scientific question. They say the film, The Atheist Delusion, will be released on YouTube in two months. Comfort says the movie provides irrefutable scientific proof of the Creator for those who will listen. He believes his film is the final nail in the coffin for atheism. http://bit.ly/2awuKDW

Evan Wilson of Canada (Dunrobin, Ontario) turned six last month, but even though he had a party with cake and games, there were no presents to open. Evan has a love for animals and suggested that instead of presents for his birthday a donation be made to a local wildlife refuge (Constance Creek). On July 27, he donated $122. Evan’s mother said the inspiration struck him when, at age four, he went to a party for a friend. The girl asked for money to donate to local families in need. http://ow.ly/T8Ay302XsAJ

A Florida man who survived a double-lung transplant is back home after competing in the Transplant Games of America. According to Fox News, Matt De Fina was born with Cystic fibrosis in 1977. Doctors told his parents that he would not live to see his fourth birthday. However, he did survive, reaching his 38th birthday this year. But his struggles weren’t over. In 2012, De Fina was told that he only had two years left to live unless he got a double-lung transplant. He received the transplant and this summer De Fina took part in the Transplant Games in Cleveland. More than 1,500 people participated. After competing in four sports, De Fina came home with seven medals and a lot of memories. Just because the doctors say you are done, doesn’t mean God is done with you! http://bit.ly/2ao7MkK

OLYMPIC TRIVIA

  • The 1900 Olympic Games have been dubbed the most bizarre games ever.  It was so under-promoted as the Olympic Games, that some victors left not even knowing they were Olympians.

  • Some of the events at the 1900 games were Poodle grooming, van driving, and Kite flying.

  • Live pigeon shooting only appeared once — at the 1900 Olympics in Paris. Nearly 300 birds were slain in the bloody spectacle. Today there are still shooting events but clay targets are used.

  • 1900 Olympics had obstacle course swimming. The competitors had to climb over a pole, then scramble over a row of boats, and then swim under another row of boats.

  • Underwater swimming was also held in 1900. The event is held over a maximum of 60meters, where competitors were awarded two points for each meter swum underwater, and one point for each second that they stayed under water.

  • In 1912, Someone Actually Won An Olympic Gold Medal In Painting

  • Tug-of-war was one of the events at the 1900 Olympics. Was discontinued in 1920.

  • Roller hockey, unlike its ice cousin, failed to capture the imagination. It appeared at just one Olympics — Barcelona in 1992.

  • Before there was fencing, there was the French martial art La Canne. The sport first appeared at the 1924 Paris Olympics and much like the name suggests it involved battling with wooden canes.

  • Rope climbing was dropped from the Olympics in 1932. Contestants would scale a rope bare-handed.

  • Club swinging first appeared at the 1904 St. Louis Olympics and involved athletes twirling clubs. Historians believe it was the precursor to rhythmic gymnastic events that use ribbons and hoops.

  • Race walkers must have one foot on the ground at all times or risk disqualification.

  • Solo synchronized swimming (it is an oxymoron to be solo and synchronized) was made an Olympic sport in 1984 — and discontinued in 1992

  • Pentathlon- men began competing in the pentathlon in 1912. Women were inducted in 2000. This event’s purported origin story involves a French cavalry officer who had to beat impossible odds to deliver a crucial message. Starting out on horseback, he also had to fence, run, swim and shoot to get the missive to its intended recipient. Fast-forward to the present, in a single day, a pentathlon athlete must first fence all other opponents, swim 200 meters, then ride an unfamiliar horse through a 12-jump course. Those who pass this rigorous test must then proceed through a combined bout of running and shooting to get the gold.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 05, 2016…

*The Founder’s release date has changed to mid-December 2016. Stars Michael Keaton as Ray Kroc who founded McDonald’s.

Nine Lives—Kevin Spacey steps away from “House Of Cards” to be inside a family cat and to learn a lesson in humility. What a step down for this multi-millionaire as he learns family secrets. Christopher Walken is a pet shop owner. “Nine Lives” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Suicide Squad—Here is a collection of DC Comic Book villains who are at the bottom of the barrel. We meet Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie), Deadshot (Will Smith) and Captain Boomerang (Jai Courtney) to name a few. Premise has them released from prison to fight other bad guys who want to blow things up. Sigh. “Suicide Squad” is rated R. No rating.

Five Nights In Maine (opening in select cities)—A young woman dies and her husband (David Oyelowo) goes to be with his mother-in-law (Dianne Weist.) Open discussion happens during the grief process.  “Five Weeks In Maine” is rated PG 13. No rating.

AUGUST 12, 2016…

Cafe Society is a Woody Allen film and a romantic comedy set in the 1930’s in Hollywood. Stars Jesse Eisenberg.

Florence Foster Jenkins stars Meryl Streep in the true story of a socialite who had a below-average singing voice, but thought she was spectacular, so would schedule concerts for herself.

Pete’s Dragon, which combines real actors with action figures, is the story of an orphan (Oakes Fegley), who meets a friendly dragon named Elliott.

Sausage Party is an animated film about talking food, but the theme is adult. Voices include Seth Rogen, Edward Norton and Kristin Wiig.

Spectral is a military theme with Emily Mortimer going against a phantom.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.