August 08, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Sorry I’m a bit late today – I was outside having an autograph session with my fan.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

So be very careful how you live. Do not live like those who are not wise, but live wisely. Use every chance you have to do good, because these are evil times. So do not be foolish but learn what the Lord wants you to do. –Ephesians 5:15-17 (NLV)

The Lord is our judge, the Lord is our lawgiver, the Lord is our king; it is he who will save us. — Isaiah 33:22

You gave abundant showers, O God; you refreshed your weary inheritance. — Psalm 68:9

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. — 1 Timothy 6:7-8

Thought: Godliness with contentment is great wealth! (see 1 Tim. 6:6) So what does it take for us to be content? Paul reminds Timothy that as long as we have food and clothing, we should be able to be content. It’s when our desires get out of that channel, when covetousness and greed take over, that our life gets out of control and we replace God with a hunger for what is idolatrous. (cf. Col. 3:5).

Prayer: Holy God, forgive me for being caught up in the lifestyle of greed and covetousness, of excess and extravagance. Help my heart to be content with the blessings you have so lavishly poured out on me and to find my joy in you and your people whom you have put into my life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Zechariah 8:8 NIV = …they will be my people, and I will be faithful and righteous to them as their God.”

TODAY IS TUESDAY – AUGUST 08, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
138 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is ODIE DAY, marking the birth of Odie the dog, Garfield’s best friend, who first appeared on the comic pages on this day in 1978.  ***That makes him 39 years old today – or 273 in “dog years!”  Wow… Odie looks great for his age, doesn’t he?

Today is NATIONAL FROZEN CUSTARD DAY.  ***They froze him? I figured they just buried General Custard like everyone else! (Oh, okay – I know that was a groaner.)

Tonight is SNEAK SOME ZUCCHINI ONTO YOUR NEIGHBOR’S PORCH NIGHT, a night for gardeners who grew too much zucchini. ***Or take it to your local frozen custard place and have them make a zucchini concrete!

Today is ADMIT YOU’RE HAPPY DAY.  ***Which you might be, if you open your front door tomorrow morning and discover a basket of zucchini.  Assuming you LIKE zucchini. You probably WON’T be happy though if someone offers you a frozen zucchini custard.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Dalek Day
International Cat Day
The Date to Create
Happiness Happens Day
Odie Day
Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 09

International Day of The World’s Indigenous People
Perseid Meteor Showers
Veep Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 10

National Duran Duran Appreciation Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Skyscraper Appreciation Day
Smithsonian Day
S’mores Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 11

Ingersoll Day
Presidential Joke Day
Kool-Aid Day
Shop Online For Groceries Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 12

IBM PC Day
International Youth Day
Middle Child Day
Milkman Day
National Bowling Day
National Garage Sale Day
Sewing Machine Day
Vinyl Record Day
World Elephant Day
Worldwide Art Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 13

International Lefthander’s Day

MONDAY AUGUST 14

International Rose’ Day
National Navajo Code Talkers Day
Spirit of ’45 Day
V-J Da
y

TUESDAY, AUGUST 15

Best Friends Day
Chauvin Day
Check The Chip Day
National Relaxation Day
National No SpongeBob Day

ON THIS DAY

1471: Thomas Kempis died at Mount Saint Agnes monastery in the Netherlands where he had lived for 64 years. He wrote Imitation of Christ, a work translated into all languages, still published and read today, more than 500 years after it was written.

1923: Clarinetist Benny Goodman got his first professional job as a band leader on a Chicago excursion boat. He was 14 years old.

1926: Webb Pierce was born in West Monroe, Louisiana. He had 51 Top 10 country records, including “In the Jailhouse Now,” “There Stands the Glass,” and “I Don’t Care.” He died in 1991.

1934: Bing Crosby recorded “Just A-Wearyin’ For You” and “I Love You Truly,” the first songs to be released on the new Decca Records label: single #D-100.

1941: Joe DiMaggio, the Yankee Clipper, got a new nickname when Les Brown & His Band of Renown recorded “Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio” on Okey Records.

1970: Singer Janis Joplin purchased a marker for the Philadelphia grave of blues singer Bessie Smith. Bessie died in 1937.

1974: President Richard Nixon announced he would resign following new damaging revelations in the Watergate scandal.

1975: Singer Hank Williams Jr. fell 500 feet down a Montana mountain and survived, but recuperation took two years.

1988: 39,012 fans attended the first night baseball game at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. ***It was then that they decided, “Hey, maybe we should get lights next time!”

1991: Students at Stanly Community College in Albermarle, North Carolina, set a world record by filling a container with 5,438 cubic feet of popped popcorn. Three weeks later a British theater staff broke the record by 541 cubic feet.

1994: Israel and Jordan opened the first road link between the two once-warring countries.

1995: The regime of Iraq`s Saddam Hussein was shaken when his two older daughters, their husbands and other senior army officers defected.

1999: Tish, the world’s oldest captive goldfish, died in Yorkshire, England, at the age of 43. At least. Seven-year-old Peter Hand had won Tish at a fair in 1956. The fish swam with the family until his death.

2001: An Egyptian man claimed he had been married 203 times. 78-year-old Mustafa Semeda said he first got married in 1947. He only had three children and said he was permanently searching for his ideal woman. Egyptian and Islamic law allow polygamy but limit the number of wives to four at any one time.

2004: Actress Fay Wray, held atop the Empire State Building by the giant ape in the 1933 film classic “King Kong,” died in New York City at age 96.

2006: A jet airliner landed safely after one of its doors fell off and crashed to earth next to a supermarket shortly after departure from Sao Paulo, Bazil. No one was hurt in the incident. The Fokker 100 plane with 79 people aboard en route to Rio de Janeiro returned to the airport safely 18 minutes after taking off.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1471: Thomas a Kempis, Dutch mystic and devotional author of The Imitation of Christ, dies at age 91. In his classic, Thomas wrote, “We must imitate Christ’s life and his ways if we are to be truly enlightened and set free from the darkness of our own hearts. Let it be the most important thing we do, then, to reflect on the life of Jesus Christ.

1492: Albrecht Durer’s art is published for the first time when one of his woodcuts serves as the title page for St. Jerome’s letters. In a few years, he became one of the most famous painters and engravers in Germany.

1852: Swedish-born Gustaf Palmquist baptizes three converts in the Mississippi river at Rock island Illinois, initiating the organization later known as the Baptist General Conference, which a century and a half later had grown to over 800,000 members.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • actress (“Moesha”, “227”) Countess Vaughn 39 (audio clip)

  • Odie (the dog from the “Garfield” comic strip) 39

  • Actor (Ralph Malph on “Happy Days”) Donny Most, 64 (audio clip)

  • actor (The Long Riders and host of the History Channel’s “Wild West Tech”, brother to the late David Carradine) Keith Carradine 68

  • Actor (“CHiPs’” officer Jon Baker) Larry Wilcox, 70 (audio clip)

  • actress (Grease 2, Back to the Beach) Connie Stevens 79

  • Actor (Runaway Jury, The Graduate, Sphere, Wag the Dog) Dustin Hoffman, 80 — Dustin was considered for the role of Michael Corleone in The Godfather. The role went to Al Pacino.

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1857 : Cécile Chaminade

1907 : Benny Carter

1921 : Webb Pierce

1923 : Jimmy Witherspoon

1926 : Urbie Green

1932 : Mel Tillis

1933 : Joe Tex

1938 : Connie Stevens

1939 : Phil Balsley (The Statler Brothers)

1942 : John David (Dr. Hook)

1944 : Michael Johnson

1949 : Keith Carradine

1949 : Airrion Love (The Stylistics)

1950 : Andy Fairweather-Low (Amen Corner)

1956 : Ali Score (A Flock Of Seagulls)

1957 : Dennis Drew (10,000 Maniacs)

1958 : Chris Foreman (Madness)

1961 : The Edge (David Evans) (U2)

1961 : Rikki Rocket (Poison)

1962 : Kool Moe Dee

1976 : Drew Lachey (98 Degrees)

1976 : JC Chasez (‘N Sync)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Where did “B-Movies” come from?

During the Depression, “B” movies were coupled with “A” movies to produce a double-billing at U.S. theaters. This was a desperate effort of film studio heads to draw in budget-conscience audiences with meager allowances for entertainment. By the 1940s, Columbia Pictures and MGM had perfected the “B” flick to the point that it was difficult to tell it from an “A” picture. “B” movies were profitable, and Universal Pictures turned out an average of one B-film each week. Most B-films took from 7 days to 3 weeks (including Saturdays) to make. Scant time was spent on rehearsals or costume fittings.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A survey says young Instagrammers use the app 32 minutes a day. ***32 minutes a day… snapping selfies.  Well, I guess future generations won’t have any problem finding documentary evidence for why society collapsed.

Walt Disney Studios is developing a reboot of the 1991 action adventure movie The Rocketeer. The project, in the early development stages, is considered a sequel-reboot and, in a modern-day twist, will be headlined by a black female character.  ***Because the gender-swap idea was sooooo successful with Ghostbusters.

21% of U.S. broadband households use wellness, fitness, or diet apps. ***I’m not saying those apps actually WORK for anybody – but people do use them.

West Virginia’s Governor Jim Justice is switching… from being a Democrat to becoming a Republican.  ***No need to worry though, it won’t really matter much because both parties now have the same goal of destroying the country.

65-year-old Tom Wopat, the actor who played Luke Duke in the 1980s television show “The Dukes of Hazzard” is facing indecent assault and battery and drug charges.  ***Do ya see what happens when you take the Confederate flag away from those southern boys?  They get all rowdy.  Why can’t the system just leave those Duke boys alone?

Some people are born to be wild, others are born to mope.  A study from the University of Michigan states, “We have identified a biomarker… that is linked to an increased risk of major depression.”  Brain scans revealed that people who react strongly to negative experiences have drastically lower levels of a brain molecule called neuropeptide Y (NPY). “In response to negative words,” says the study, “the lower NPY group showed strong activation in the prefrontal cortex, which is involved with processing emotion, while subjects with higher NPY demonstrated a much smaller response.” The researchers hope this discovery will lead to better treatments for people with severe depression. ***In the meantime, if you always see the glass as half empty, then just grab it with gusto, drink a toast to your genes and accept the fact that you are a born pessimist!

Dunkin’ Donuts is experimenting with a new name in California, calling it just Dunkin’.  ***It’s a good move with today’s ever decreasing attention span.  A decade from now Dunkin’ Donuts will just be named “Dunk”.

Trump aide Kellyanne Conway says the president’s low approval rating is because people want to see progress on his agenda.  ***Personally, I just think the low approval ratings are fake news.

Former FBI Director James Comey has inked a book deal. ***Because of course he did.

Five a day is not enough. To add years to your life, eat 10 daily servings of fruits and vegetables, say British researchers, who have found that packing our diet with everything from apples to zucchini lowers our risk of heart attack, stroke, cancer and early death. Ten a day is such a powerful recipe for good health and longevity that the team from Imperial College London estimates that if everyone around the globe did this, a staggering 7.8 million premature deaths worldwide would be avoided every year. To arrive at this conclusion, the Imperial College London scientists analyzed 95 previous research studies that included almost 2 million people. How much is 10 servings a day? It’s about 800 grams of produce. This translated to 10 small bananas or apples or 30 tablespoons of cooked spinach, peas, broccoli or cauliflower.  ***Whoa… ten small bananas or apples per day?  TEN?!?!  Forget it… that ain’t gonna happen.  I guess I’m dying prematurely.

Nike re-released the Air Max shoes on Friday, two decades after they were first unveiled.  ***I hope they used some Odor Eaters and Febreze on those things!

An Alabama Islamic organization is asking for an investigation after a Muslim family said a McDonald’s purposefully served them bacon.  ***Yes – it was done on purpose – because McDonald’s ultra-successful business model is based on offending as many people as possible.

The number of U.S. wineries is now almost up to 10,000. ***If you spend a half-hour watching the news, you’ll know why Americans are drinking more.

Shaquille O’Neal says he blames God for his bad free-throw shooting, as a way of keeping him humble.  ***Apparently it didn’t work – humility isn’t blaming someone else for your problems.

A Chinese man claims his beer-drinking pet duck can understand him. The man takes his duck for a walk every day and claims it will sit or fly on command. He feeds the duck mainly peanuts, but says it also enjoys seafood and beer.  ***It actually prefers to drink cold duck, but the man thought that was a bit inappropriate.

Driverless bus service has been launched in Estonia.  ***Now you get an unfeeling, cold robot insisting on exact change.

Hey if you recently deposited a bag of cocaine along with your cash at an ATM machine in Bradenton, Florida, the police would like a word with you! A technician was called to check out a jammed ATM at a Suncoast Credit Union branch. He quickly discovered the cause – “a small clear baggie containing a white powdery substance.” The technician concluded that “the substance was possibly with the cash of the last person who made the deposit causing the malfunction.” Police got the name on the bank account of the last deposit made and are now looking for that person. The powdery substance tested positive for cocaine.  ***Even if you have a safety deposit box at the banking institution, you can’t make a deposit into it via the ATM.  But then, if you brain wasn’t on cocaine you’d probably have realized that.

Scientists say with the Moon moving farther away, the last solar eclipse visible on Earth will be in 600 million years.  ***So you’d better pay attention this August 21st!  You don’t know how many more you’ll get before they’re gone forever!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

University of London researchers studied 1,100 adults and found that sending e-mails and text messages lowers your I.Q.!  Tapping out text messages knocked 10 points off their I.Q. scores, and researchers are now warning employers that more than six in ten workers admit they’re addicted to texting and e-mail, especially men, and it may be lowering their mental sharpness.  ***I wouldn’t put much credibility in this story though… I received it via email.

Scientists think they’ve figured out a way for people to feel happier, but applying it in real life might be a little weird: It involves getting a whiff of a happy person’s armpits.  It seems that we humans secrete chemicals in sweat that reflect our emotional states, and people who happen to get a sniff pick up on the vibes. In the experiment, Dutch researchers had men watch happy, scary, and neutral videos with absorbent pads on their armpits. Afterward, they had women sniff the pads, keeping a close eye on their facial movements. Sure enough, when they sniffed the “fear” pads, muscles associated expressions of fear were active. The same applied to the “happy” pads.  ***And then they were told they were smelling armpit sweat and immediately everyone gave an expression of disgust.

So many people have been stealing incontinence pads — adult diapers — that a store in Scotland (a Tesco in Leith) has had to fit them with theft alarms. Each tag has a special siren attached, which goes off if someone tries to take the item without paying.  ***Wow… video gamers will do anything to not walk away from their consoles!

They are testing some new pedestrian traffic lights in Sydney, Australia. Because we’re always looking down at our phones, ground-level Walk/Don’t Walk lights are being installed.  ***Of course, that just means we’ll be spending that much more time looking at the ground – now reading signs – so we’ll never see the semi-truck coming at 60mph about to crush our cranium.

Scientists have created a genetically modified cow that produces milk with low levels of a protein known to cause allergic reactions in a significant proportion of children. The researchers believe it could one day lead to the sale of “hypoallergenic” milk from herds of genetically modified cows.  ***The goal with the genetic modifications is to eventually create a cow that gives chocolate milk.  At least, that’d be my goal.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Racquet the Skunk agreed to make a brand new badminton racquet for Gruffy Bear – who then bragged about it to Nozzles the Elephant and Sully the Aardvark. Gruffy also mentioned that he was getting it on trade for a hammer… and that gave Nozzles and Sully the same idea…

CLOSE: Sounds like Racquet’s “new and improved” racquet isn’t “improved” at all! And it’s just so he can get rich off his friends! Will the other animals find out about his scheme? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Getting into the fair for free can be a sign of cleverness…or a sign of inDUHvidualism.

18-year-old Amber Anne Miller of Cornona, California, didn’t want to pay the entrance fee to the Orange County Fair. So she went to fair officials and told them that her 12-year-old sister was lost at the fair.  They wanted her to fill out a missing-persons report before they let her in to look for her. So she did… and they let her in. And they also let in dozens of reserve deputies to help her look for her little 12-year-old sister.  When closing time came at midnight and there was no sign of Amber or her sister, they got a little suspicious. That’s when they called Amber’s parents who told them there was no 12-year-old sister.  Busted!  Now Amber’s been charged with two misdemeanors: resisting, obstructing or delaying the duties of a public officer, and falsely reporting an emergency.  Way to go, Amber.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU CAN’T DRIVE

10. You refer to the windshield as the exit

9. The community college filmmaking class paid you $10 to drive around the parking lot. It seems they can’t afford a stunt driver.

8. As a safety measure, you removed the rear and side view mirrors because they were “distracting.”

7. You keep hearing “Where did you get your license?” from that nosy guy on your hood.

6. Your name becomes a traffic fatality verb, as in “Look out honey, you almost Bob-Smithed that guy!”

5. You use the pedals like on a bicycle: left, right, left, right…

4. Instead of “wash me,” people write “kill me” on the back of your car.

3. You have even managed to roll a bumper car.

2. Hitch-hikers see you coming and pretend not to be hitch-hiking.

1. Your insurance company only agreed to continue your coverage if your car is fitted with the landing balloons from the Mars lander.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man asks for Grey Poupon and ends up getting a gun stuck in his face instead!

FILE #1: Police arrested a Sandy, Utah, man who allegedly pulled a handgun on a teenage driver who asked if he had any “Grey Poupon.” Investigators said the 22-year-old man was incensed at the request for Dijon mustard, a reference to an old commercial for the product, and pulled a black handgun from his glove compartment. The three teens in the other car said the man cocked the weapon, pointed it at them, and said: “Here’s your Grey Poupon.” One of the car’s occupants took down the man’s license plate number and the suspect admitted to the incident when confronted by officers. The man was charged with a third-degree felony count of aggravated assault.

FILE #2: Police in College Hill, Ohio, arrested a man for stealing 32 deodorant products from a Walgreens.  Cops say Martin Steve Johnson entered the drug store Monday and transferred 18 sticks of Degree deodorant, 10 sticks of Axe deodorant and five bottles of Axe body spray from his shopping basket to his book bag before walking off. Officers caught up with Johnson behind a Chili’s restaurant and arrested him.

FILE #3: In Wilmington, Delaware, an unidentified woman told police she caught a burglar stealing property and taking it out of her house. When she told him to drop her stuff, he said, “no” and rode of on his bike. So she got in her car and chased him down. When he still wouldn’t stop she started bumping the bike with her car until he finally did drop the stolen property. She then picked up her things, drove home and called 911. Police are still looking for the suspect.

STRANGE LAW: In Omaha, Nebraska, barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers’ chests.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Can you crash twice in the span of just a few seconds? You can if your brain is on drugs.

Two intoxicated friends crashed their pickup truck into a parked car in Peekskill, New York, then drove down the street and crashed again. Police said one of the men couldn’t pull the truck free of the parked car he had hit so his friend hopped behind the wheel and managed to get it loose – only to drive it into another parked car down the block. Both men were charged with DUI and leaving the scene of an accident.

PHONER PHUN

If you could only take one album with you into eternity, what would it be? And why?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who dreamed about a tree that reached to heaven?

ANSWER: Nebuchadnezzar (DANIEL 4:4,5,10,11) 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s the only mammal that has hair on the soles of its feet?

ANSWER; Polar bears

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Kiwis are the only birds that hunt by smell. (True)

2. Superman is known as the “Caped Crusader.” (False, it’s Batman)

3. The New Jersey Devils are a professional basketball team. (False, there a professional hockey team)

4. The state of Hawaii consists of 8 main islands. (True)

5. The Ford Motor Company’s answer to Chevrolet’s popular Corvette roadster in the 1950s was the Mustang. (False, it was the Thunderbird)

6. The woman whom legend (but not fact) credits with designing the first American flag is Barbara Bell. (False, it was Betsy Ross)

7. The largest antique ever sold was The London Bridge. (True, it was completed in 1831 and sold and transported to Lake Havasu City, Arizona in 1968.)

8. Nicknames for the city of Memphis, Tennessee, include “The Metropolis of the New South” and “Derby Town”. (False, those nicknames are for Louisville, Kentucky)

9. The pole used in the game of shuffleboard is called a “cue.” (True)

10. Billy Joel was actually the first celebrity guest on TV’s “Sesame Street.” (False, it was James Earl Jones)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Guy Eats 47 _______ in 10 Minutes!” (Grilled Cheese Sandwiches)


Joey Chestnut is the new big cheese of grilled cheese. He’s set a new world’s record, by downing 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes– eleven more than the old mark. In July, Joey joins other world class big eaters for the mother of all eating contests – Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July hot dog chow-down in Coney Island, New York.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

I was with a friend in a cafe’ when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. “What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?” I wondered aloud.

“Some are quite effective,” my friend corrected me. “Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors’. Whenever I wanted him home, I’d go out to the driveway and kick his car.”

JOKE #2

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor’s office.
”Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping
pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the man answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the man wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard
getting him to swallow the pill!!!”

JOKE #3

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: “IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.”

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: “MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT ‘OUT OF IT.'”

USELESS FACTS

“Jay” used to be slang for “foolish person.” So when a pedestrian ignored street signs, he was referred to as a “jaywalker.”  ***If that’s true, they why on earth would Kansas University purposefully name themselves Jawhawks?

Does your teenager have a TV in their bedroom? Teenagers who have a television in their bedroom tend to eat a poor diet, have bad exercise habits and have lower grades in school than their friends who don’t have a TV in their room, according to a new study from the University of Minnesota School of Public Health.  ***I knew my poor health wasn’t my fault!  It’s all because of Gilligan’s Island!!!

FEATURED FUNNIES

BABIES COST A FORTUNE

A little girl, enchanted by her new baby cousin, asked her mother, “Can’t we have a baby?”

“I don’t believe so, darling,” her mother replied. “They cost too much.”

“How much?” the child inquired.

“Oh, about $4,000,” her mother said.

The youngster thought for a moment, then said, “That’s not very much, when you consider how long they last.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

What’s in a name? Well – a lot of misery if your name happens to be “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.”

A New Zealand Judge ordered that a 9-year-old girl named Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii be given a new – and less insane – name. The judge made the girl a ward of the court so that her name could be changed. The new name was not made public to protect the girl’s privacy. Other crazy names submitted to New Zealand Name Registration Officials include Fish and Chips, Violence, Yeah Detroit and Sex Fruit.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A PIECE OF CAKE

A little boy is telling his Grandma how everything is going wrong, school, family problems, severe health problems, etc.  Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which, of course, He does. “Here, have some cooking oil.”
“Yuck” says the boy.
“How about a couple raw eggs? ”
“Gross, Grandma!”
“Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?”
“Grandma, those are all yucky!”
To which Grandma replies: “Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!” God is crazy about you! He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He’ll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. Hope your day is a “piece of cake!”
–T. J. Malone

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

COUNT IT ALL JOY

Read: James 1:2-12

Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life. —James 1:12

A pastor placed this sign on his door: “If you have problems, come in and tell me all about them. If you don’t have any problems, come in and tell me how you avoid them.”

What do we do when problems come unannounced and with great intensity? James told us to “count it all joy,” because trials do not happen without a reason. He said, “The testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete” (James 1:3-4). Armed with this understanding, our prayer changes from asking God “why” to thanking Him for what He is doing.

Having endured many trials and facing a new struggle with cancer, Our Daily Bread author Joanie Yoder shared her thoughts in a letter: “I have relinquished my destiny to God’s will. Nothing, praise God, not even cancer, can thwart His will. I may have cancer, but cancer doesn’t have me—God alone has me. So in this light, I would value your prayers that Christ may be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death.”

Trials are unavoidable and unpredictable, and they come in an unimaginable variety. Knowing that our sovereign God will walk with us and use trials to deepen our maturity, we can count them “all joy.” —Albert Lee

Heavenly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whatever befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well. —Crosby

We can endure trials in this life because of the joys in the life to come.

LEFTOVERS

STOP BUGGING ME!

A woman finds a cockroach on her tongue and sprays it with bug spray. Bad news for the cockroach… and bad news for the woman’s tongue!

An Israeli woman suffered chemical burns after spraying pesticide into her mouth when a flying cockroach landed on her tongue. The 20-year-old, from Jerusalem, burnt her mouth, tongue, vocal cords and lower larynx and needed hospital treatment. She says she hates cockroaches more than snakes and did not think first before grabbing the pesticide. ***MARLAR: Forget that… how do you get a cockroach on your tongue to begin with?!?! And once you do, who in their right mind is going to keep a cockroach on their tongue with their mouth open long enough to get the bug spray? This whole story gives me the creeps!

LIFE… LIVE IT

AMERICA’S WORST RESTAURANTS FOR KIDS

A year-long study of children’s meals has revealed vast dietary differences among America’s favorite fast-food and sit-down chain restaurants, according to the authors of the new book “Eat This, Not That! For Kids.” Co-authors David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding calculated calories, fat (trans- and saturated), and sodium, as well as the average number of calories per child’s entree, and discovered that many of America’s most popular chain restaurants are nutritional nightmares. The result is a Restaurant Report Card that holds each food chain accountable for the fare they’re serving. Did your favorite restaurant make the grade?

  • Chick-fil-A (A)

  • Subway (A-)

  • Boston Market (B+)

  • McDonald’s (B)

  • Domino’s (C+)

  • Burger King (C)

  • Chipotle (D)

  • Applebee’s, IHOP, Olive Garden, Outback, Red Lobster, T.G.I. Friday’s (F)

SUMMER SCIENCE FUN!

It’s summer but your children can still learn. The web site Kids Adventures released links to the top YouTube science experiments for kids. Some of these and easy experiments include a Mentos geyser, color changing milk, monster foam, and more. Check out the videos and maybe even try a couple on your own! http://dld.bz/duXNA

JUST FOR FUN

DISTURBING PEACE

A woman is arrested for disturbing the peace… at a wedding!

City police say Marie Salomon could not forever hold her peace. Marie was arrested at a wedding and charged with breach of peace for allegedly objecting too strenuously to the marriage of the bride and groom. Officers say when the minister asked if anyone had cause as to why the couple shouldn’t get married, Salomon screamed and yelled and refused to stop. The minister at First Baptist Church asked police to remove her from the church so he could continue with the wedding. Salomon was released after posting a $500 bond. ***MARLAR: It’s just like I tell my wife. If you don’t want to hear the answer, don’t ask the question!

FUN LIST

(From TheKidDictionary.com)

  • GARBOFLAGE (v.) To hide your child’s artwork under other trash in wastebasket so they don’t catch you throwing it away.

  • STOCKTEASE (n.):  A child who lets you buy large quantities of their favorite food at the grocery store and then immediately decides that they don’t like it anymore.

  • TOYPHOON (n.): Routine recreational activities of children that leave their playroom looking like it was decimated by a hurricane.

  • TWIRPLE (v.):  When a child playing baseball gets to third base on a hit that didn’t make it out of the infield.

  • WASPTUSI (n.): The frantic dance of a child trying to elude a bee.

  • BOOTALITY(n): The notion that “keep your hands to yourself” means it’s still okay to kick someone.

  • UPTITUDE (n): The intense desire to be the one who presses the button on an elevator.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Well this is gross. Look around your office or workplace now. Pick out a group of eight men. According to researchers, one of those eight wears their underwear two or three times before washing it. The survey, conducted by Clorox, also found guys 18 to 29 wash their bed sheets around one a month (compared to once a week for women).

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Kristi Goll pulled up Facebook on her computer to post a desperate plea: Please get tested to see if you’re a match to be able to donate one of your kidneys to my 8-year-old son. Police Officer Lindsey Bittorf saw the post and did just that. And Bittorf got good news: She was a near perfect match for Jackson. Lindsey told the eight year old boy: “I took an oath to serve and protect my community and now my kidney will serve and protect you.” http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/04/us/beyond-the-call-cop-donates-kidney-to-stranger/index.html

Sam Klein and Tommy Fello had never met, but together they granted a dying woman her last wish. Emily Pomeranz was battling pancreatic cancer and had to be moved to hospice. Her dear friend, Klein, came to visit her and asked if he could get her anything – anything to make her comfortable in this impossible situation she was in. Pomeranz smiled and told Klein that she wished she could have just one more Tommy’s mocha milkshake. Tommy’s Restaurant was 375 miles away and the milkshake had to somehow stay frozen. He reached out to the restaurant online, seeing if something could be coordinated. To his surprise, the owner of the restaurant, Mr. Tommy Fello himself, wrote back. Fello shipped a carefully packed mocha shake overnight to Klein. Klein picked it up, and took it to Pomeranz. http://aka.ms/dpi8ma

Wondering where the upcoming total solar eclipse can be seen in America? Look no further than this NASA video, which shows the most detailed map yet of the path of totality. For the video NASA visualizer Ernie Wright traced the path of the Aug. 21 total eclipse, which can only be seen in America. He said he used various data sets to help him visualize the color of the ground, the lighting of the sun and the position of the eclipse. http://ti.me/2u5e8M6

When Bikers Are Awesome! A group of more than 50 bikers in northeastern Indiana stepped up to save the day and help a sixth grade kid feel safe from bullying. Tammy Mick is the mother of Dekalb Middle School Student Phil Mick and says her son was being bullied so badly he had contemplated suicide. But rather than go to the police, she spoke with Brent Warfield of KDZ Motorcycle Sales & Service who immediately wanted to help. Warfield is the director of United Motorcycle Enthusiasts and has been hosting charity rides for years. He’s been working to raise awareness about bullying and teen suicide, so he decided to organize a special ride for Phil on his first day of middle school. He posted the information on Facebook just a few days beforehand, and he got an incredible response. More than 50 bikers met with Phil and his family for breakfast before his first day of school. They prayed with Phil before they all escorted him to school. Warfield said the school was very welcoming of the idea, and Phil was very excited about a fresh new start. (FOX News)

Christian author and speaker Lisa Harper has made a career out of bringing hope to women, many of whom are mothers. But Harper — a victim of childhood sexual abuse — says when it came to becoming a mom herself, she felt hopeless. After finding herself single and in her forties, the Tennessee woman felt the desire to become a mother and began considering adoption. At 50, after two failed adoptions, Lisa Harper adopted a girl nobody wanted — a girl from Haiti with HIV, cholera and probably TB. Today, Missy is a thriving, healthy 8 year old, whose HIV is undetectable in her blood. Missy has no scarring on her lungs from her bout with tuberculosis, nor does she have liver damage from having cholera. Missy’s doctors tell Harper her daughter’s health is a miracle. http://fb.me/tSjwYUSu

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 04, 2017…

The Dark Tower—For Stephen King fans who just can’t get enough, at last is a screen adaptation of his book series, “The Dark Tower.”  This is King’s take on a quest (think of the Crusaders) except in science fiction times and with a touch of the Old West. There are two adversaries and they are Matthew McConaughey and Idris Elba. “The Dark Tower” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Detroit—This film is not about cars, but concerns the 50th anniversary of the 12th Street Riot at the Algiers Motel in Detroit. In 1967, the Detroit police raided the motel, ant at once, the situation became racial, resulting in the deaths of several African American people, and beatings of others, including two white women. This film is directed by Kathryn Bigelow, who is known to tackle strong subjects, such as a woman police officer in “Blue Steel,” a robbery in “Point Break,” submarines in “K-19: The Widowmaker“  and war time bombs in “The Hurt Locker.” The stars of  “Detroit” include John Boyega (“Star Wars: The Force Awakens.”) Boyega will also be in the upcoming “Star Wars: Last Jedi” and (though I may be the only fan) the sequel to the science fiction film, “Pacific Rim.” Plus, in “Detroit” are John Krasinski and Anthony Mackie. “Detroit” is rated R for themed material and violence. Rating of 3 for fans.

Ingrid Goes West—A rather sly, dark comedy, this film has Aubrey Plaza with a crush on a major celebrity (Elizabeth Olsen) and follows her to the West Coat. All because of Instagram. Other stars are Wyatt Russell and O’Shea Jackson, Jr. “Ingrid Goes West” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Wind River—Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen (busy actress) star in this action film concerning solving a murder on a Native America reservation. Olsen is a detective who hires Renner (a tracker) to help solve the case. Also in the cast are Jon Bernthal and Graham Greene. “Wind River” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

AUGUST 11, 2017…

The Hitman’s Bodyguard has Ryan Reynolds hired as a bodyguard by an old enemy—Samuel L. Jackson.

Logan Lucky is directed by Steven Soderbergh and about two siblings who plan a robbery. Stars Channing Tatum and Adam Driver.

The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature is a continuation of the animated adventures of your favorite squirrels. Voice of Will Arnett.

13 Minutes (opening in select cities) concerns an attempt on the life of Adolph Hitler. Stars Christian Friedel.

STEP is a documentary about a girl’s high school slap dance group in their senior year.

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