August 09, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

NOTE: Some prep today is repeated from yesterday due to a glitch in my brain which I’m going to blame on the heat and not my utter incompetence.  MOST of the prep is fresh, but if portions look familiar it’s probably because you saw those stories yesterday.

 

PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20170809
PDF: 20170809

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now, as a serious breach of social decorum, (STATION) proudly presents (THE JOCK SHOW)!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. — Psalm 139:13-14

For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation. — Psalm 149:4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” — John 7:37-38

Thought: Streams of water — living water for dying hopes, cool water for parched hearts, refreshing water for those tired and weary. This is, of course, much more than a liquid we can drink with our lips. This is the ultimate water of the soul that God longs to give to us, his children. Let’s spend the month of August, refreshing ourselves with the promises of Jesus and trusting that, as we draw close to him, the Spirit will restore our soul.

Prayer: Loving Father, thank you for sending Jesus to save me and the Holy Spirit to sustain and renew me. Please bless me, especially this month, as I seek to draw closer to my Savior and restore my soul with the refreshing living water of your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

2 Corinthians 8:9 NIV = For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – AUGUST 09, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
137 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL HAND HOLDING DAY. ***Which is really tough to do when you’re trying to push the buttons to play the commercials on the radio.

Today is NATIONAL RICE PUDDING DAY. ***Forget holding hands – if you want to force me to eat rice pudding you’ll be holding my nose.

TODAY IS ALSO…

International Day of The World’s Indigeneous People

Veep Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 10

National Duran Duran Appreciation Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Skyscraper Appreciation Day
Smithsonian Day
S’mores Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 11

Ingersoll Day
Presidential Joke Day
Kool-Aid Day
Shop Online For Groceries Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 12

IBM PC Day
International Youth Day
Middle Child Day
Milkman Day
National Bowling Day
National Garage Sale Day
Sewing Machine Day
Vinyl Record Day
World Elephant Day
Worldwide Art Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 13

International Lefthander’s Day

MONDAY AUGUST 14

International Rose’ Day
National Navajo Code Talkers Day
Spirit of ’45 Day
V-J Da
y

TUESDAY, AUGUST 15

Best Friends Day
Chauvin Day
Check The Chip Day
National Relaxation Day
National No SpongeBob Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16

Joe Miller’s Joke Day
National Airborne Day
National Medical Dosimetrist Day
National Rollercoaster Day Day
Wave at Surveilance Day

ON THIS DAY

1790: The Columbia returned to Boston Harbor after a three-year voyage, becoming the first ship to carry the American flag around the world.

1944: The U.S. Forest Service and the Wartime Advertising Council created the character Smokey the Bear to plead for Americans to prevent forest fires. ***Americans? I thought he was talking to me the entire time! “Only YOU can prevent forest fires!” Whew… that’s a relief.

1967: At the Sunberry Jazz and Blues Festival in England, Jerry Lee Lewis revved the crowd into such a frenzy, festival officials stopped the show, and asked him to leave the stage.

1974: Gerald Ford became the first non-elected President of the U.S. after Richard Nixon resigned.

1988: The Edmonton Oilers traded hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky to the Los Angeles Kings for two players and $15-million. ***And a few extra replacement teeth.

1991: During a barnyard scene in Indiana, director Penny Marshall temporarily halted filming the movie A League of Their Own when a cow went into labor. ***Which is strange, because I never heard Rosie O’Donnell had kids.

1995: While undergoing drug rehab, Grateful Dead leader Jerry Garcia died of a heart attack at age 53.

1998: Doctors in Zahedan, Iran, removed 109 packets of heroin from the stomach of a 23-year-old Tanzanian man who tried to smuggle the 3.3 pounds of illegal drugs from Pakistan to Europe. He got a really bad stomach ache in Iran.

1999: 14-year-old Ryan Tripp of Beaver, Utah, finished mowing the lawn at the Hawaii state Capitol and announced his retirement. He had mowed the lawns at all 50 state capitols, except Alaska where the capitol had no lawn, so he mowed at the governor’s house.

2001: After 37 years, fictional PFC Gomer Pyle was finally promoted to lance corporal, a promotion that eluded him during five years in the Marine Corps on the popular television sitcom “Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.” in the 1960s. Actor Jim Nabors at age 71 was pinned in Honolulu with the lance corporal insignia by General James Jones, commandant of the Marine Corps. Jones said, “Sergeant Carter would be amazed!” (audio clip)

2002: Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants hit his 600th home run, becoming the fourth major leaguer to reach the mark.

2005: A New York radio station agreed to pay $240,000 to state authorities after the station sponsored “smackfest” contests in which young women took turns slapping each other for a chance to win concert tickets and cash. The station also agreed to donate $60,000 to a nonprofit group that promoted awareness of domestic violence.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1492: Albrecht Durer’s art is published for the first time when one of his woodcuts serves as the title page for St. Jerome’s letters. In a few years, he became one of the most famous painters and engravers in Germany.

1765: English founder of Methodism John Wesley wrote in a letter: “You have but one Pattern; follow Him inwardly and outwardly. If other believers will go step for step with you, well; but if not, follow Him!”

 

1788: Birth of Adoniram Judson, American Baptist missionary. He first sailed to Burma in 1812, and spent nearly all of his remaining 38 years in missionary and literacy work there. Judson translated the entire Bible into Burmese by 1834.

 

1884: Birth of Kenneth Scott Latourette, Baptist church historian. Teaching at Yale from 1921-53, his greatest writings were his 7-volume History of the Expansion of Christianity (1937-45) and 5-volume Christianity in a Revolutionary Age (1958-62). Latourette died a bachelor.

 

1925: Russian-born Peter Deyneka, living in the US, hears god’s call to evangelize Russia.

1942: English Bible expositor Arthur W. Pink wrote in a letter: “Waiting on the Lord (Isa. 40:31, etc.) describes an attitude of soul when we are engaged in true prayer, but waiting for the Lord is the exercise of patience while His answer tarries.”

 

1960: The Church of the Lutheran Confession adopted its constitution at a convention held at Watertown, South Dakota. The denomination was formally organized the following January (1961) at Sleepy Eye, Minnesota.

1973: Southern Presbyterians sever ties with the US Presbyterian church as too liberal.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actress (“X-Files”) Gilligan Anderson is 49 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Working Girl, Shining Through) Melanie Griffith is 60

  • Actor (Road House, Hulk, Ghost Rider) Sam Elliott is 73

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1934 : Merle Kilgore

1939 : Billy Henderson (The Spinners)

1944 : Vic Prince (The Pretty Things)

1946 : John Parry (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)

1946 : Marinus Gerritsen (Golden Earring)

1947 : Barbara Mason

1947 : Benjamin Orr (The Cars)

1959 : Kurtis Blow

1960 : Aimee Mann

1963 : Whitney Houston

1972 : Arion Salazar (Third Eye Blind)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What exactly is, “Beetle Juice?”

An example of passive poisoning is found in blister beetles. Blister beetles protect themselves against attack by ejecting a caustic fluid. When the beetles are molested, they leak their hemolymph (insect blood) from their leg joints. Their blood contains the extremely irritating toxin cantharadin. Cantharidin causes severe blistering it is used in medicine as a skin irritant to remove warts. The bombardier beetle is from the family of carnivorous ground beetles. Its enemy is the tiger beetle. It has a most unusual and effective defense against this enemy. Just as the jaws of the tiger beetle are about to close upon it, the bombardier fires a bomb. A tiny cloud of acrid, irritating vapor is released with a ”pop” from the rear of the beetle’s abdomen.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A frowning poop emoji is said to be in the works. ***Because let’s face it – anything that requires a picture of poop probably shouldn’t have a happy face anyway.

Half of the candidates for mayor in the city of Detroit are convicted felons.  ***This is outrageous.  I mean, you expect this in Chicago, Illinois – but in Michigan?

According to a new study, cats may have more potential than dogs to sniff out bombs. ***Which may be true, but they just won’t care enough to do it.

“So You Think You Can Dance” winner Joshua Allen has been sentenced to a year in jail on domestic violence charges.  ***Just wait until his fellow inmates find out his claim to fame is being a dancer.

A new CNN poll finds that only 24% of those surveyed trust the information coming out of the White House.  ***But then, that news came from CNN so it might not be accurate at all.

In Tucson, Arizona, Little Caesar’s pizza is experimenting with a pizza vending machine called a Pizza Portal. Where you would walk into their store, pick out a pizza and have it served up by the machine… never talking with a human.  ***It’s a pizza created by the caring, loving hands of a Terminator.

A survey says Millennials would rather save money for travel or retirement than buy clothes.  ***So they might be better off financially at retirement age – but they’ll be naked.

Did you know GM is already selling a $5,000 electric car in China? China purchases 40% of the electric cars produced in the world.  ***Not only does cheap stuff get made in China – it gets sent there too!

You’ll be happy to hear that American tourists aren’t the only ones who occasionally act like idiots in other countries: Two Chinese tourists were arrested in Berlin after police spotted them taking pictures of each other giving the Hitler salute outside the Reichstag. This is pretty serious stuff thanks to a post-1945 law that makes “flags, insignia, uniforms, slogans, and forms of greeting” of “unconstitutional organizations,” like the Nazis, very illegal. The two men aged 36 and 49, now face up to three years in prison.  ***Or a day-trip to Auschwitz, whichever they prefer.

A Minnesota (Madison Lake) man is facing his ninth DWI-related charge after he allegedly was caught driving a lawnmower while intoxicated.  ***Haven’t yardwork and beer always gone together?

A study says five new brain disorders have been created by digital obsession.  ***Wait… make that six.  Now there’s a disorder for looking for disorders.

Four Dallas police officers who responded to a noise complaint Saturday night ended up dancing at the wedding that was causing the noise. In a video shared on social media the officers can be seen dancing with bridesmaids, the bride and other attendants.  ***Plus, the bride got her “something blue”.

It had been over two weeks since anyone had heard from Jamie Tull. That’s because the 33-year-old former kindergarten teacher crashed her car in a ditch in rural central California on July 17. Rescuers found her emaciated, dehydrated, and severely sunburned. They called it a “miracle” they had even spotted her lying in a field, too weak to walk. Tull told authorities she survived by eating two grasshoppers and a fly and drinking water from a dirty cattle trough. Rescuer Robert Carpenter said, “Anyone who can survive out here for 17 days is an amazing gal, to me.” Friends and family had been searching for Tull in a desolate cattle ranching area near Le Grand since her car was found in a ditch. Searchers were set to scale back the effort when they spotted her less than a mile from the crash site in tall grass. Lynn Garber was one of the searchers who found Tull, and says Tull told them she had been praying throughout her ordeal and was glad to be found. However, Merced County Sheriff Vern Warnke tells things differently, saying Tull asked for food and water but then told searchers to leave her. “She hunkered down. She didn’t want to be found,” says Warnke. Tull’s family told reporters she suffers from bipolar disorder but stopped taking her medication at the urging of a pastor and his wife, who associated the pills with demons. She is recovering at a burn unit at a Fresno hospital. (Modesto Bee) ***Word of advice from a born-again Christian… if your pastor tells you that taking medication is associated with demons, you need to find a different church.

The people in charge of the rules of golf made some sweeping changes to the game on Wednesday, hoping to make it more appealing to the masses. Among the changes: You can now leave the flag in the hole when you put, you can legally pull your ball out of the sand and take a penalty stroke, and the time allowed to search for a missing ball has been cut from five minutes to three.  ***And instead of yelling “fore” you’re now allowed to yell “INCOMING!” (PHONER: Ask your listeners to submit crazy ideas on how to make golf more fun.)

L’Oreal is predicting that soon, there will be male cosmetics counters popping up in stores.  ***I’m starting a GoFundMe campaign to raise enough money to buy an island so I can get away from these creeps.  Donors to the campaign get to come with me.

57% of American adults and a whopping 73% of young people ages 12 to 17 use Facebook. And most of us visit the site at least once a day. Half of all adult Facebook users have more than 200 friends in their network, but only 15% have more than 500 friends. 12% of Facebook users say that someone else has asked them to “unfriend” a person in their network, and younger users are more likely to have experienced this than older users. while 44% of Facebook users “like” their friends’ content and comment on photos at least once a day, only 10% change or update their own status on Facebook daily. 25% say they never change or update their Facebook status. ***If you’d like to read all of that for yourself, I’ll post it to Facebook.

YouTube gets 4.1 million views every minute.  ***Which I’m not seeing any of, dagnabbit.  Somebody watch my videos!  http://www.YouTube.com/MarlarHouse

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Forget fancy diets. A recent study says that if you want to lose weight, just eat lots of tomatoes. The juicy fruit is thought to be rich in compounds that take away hunger pangs and suppress the urge to snack, which is one of the biggest battles for slimmers. British researchers believe that the magical ingredient that suppresses the appetite is the pigment lycopene, which gives tomatoes their red color.  ***Pizza sauce… that has a lot of tomatoes in it, right?  If so, I should be dropping the pounds already.

If you need some inspiration, just lie on your back. Darren Lipnicki from the school of psychology at the Australian National University found that people solve anagrams twice as fast when they were on their backs than on their feet. He says it suggests that lying down may also help your creative thinking process. Technically, it may have something to do with the brain chemical noradrenaline. While the chemical is associated with cognitive ability and attention, it is also believed to impair creative thinking and less of it is released while lying down.  ***So go ahead, lie down on the floor during your next board meeting… and tell your boss you’re trying to brainstorm… for the good of the company.

Feeling cranky? Well, here’s some news to cheer you up. Being grouchy boosts your brain. Scientists in Australia have found that ill-tempered folks tend to concentrate more on what’s going on around them, and are more questioning of others giving them better memories and sharper minds. In comparison, happy people are more likely to take mental shortcuts and be gullible, resulting in less brainpower.  ***So yes, Oscar the Grouch is in Mensa.  And I’m not.

A study published recently reveals that researchers at a facility in San Diego once had a whale there that could imitate human speech.  ***In fact, the whale kept saying, “Does this aquarium make me look fat?”

Could being in good financial shape mean you’re in better physical shape as well?  Back in the 1990s, the federal government tried an unusual social experiment: It offered thousands of poor women in big-city public housing a chance to live in more affluent neighborhoods.  A decade later, the women who relocated had lower rates of diabetes and extreme obesity – differences that are being hailed as compelling evidence that where you live can determine your health.  ***Meaning, if you live next to a Cheetos factory, you’re in biiiiiig trouble.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear, Nozzles the Elephant, and Sully the Aardvark all traded their blue-handled tools to Racquet the Skunk so he’d make all of them custom badminton racquets. But Racquet has a plan… a way to make his friends keep buying more racquets so he can get rich…

CLOSE: Looks like we’re about to find out if these new racquets are going to be the racket Racquet wants them to be. That is, we’re going to find out if the new racquets break easily – forcing Racquets friends to buy new ones. Will Racquet’s scheme work? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Sending gifts to your clients is a great idea… just as long as the gift isn’t a bomb.
Europe’s largest internet-based recruitment agency, StepStone, thought it would be a good idea to mail gifts to 8,000 of its clients. They sent out clocks…ticking clocks. Many of their clients, afraid they were being sent bombs, contacted the police who had to evacuate buildings and call out the bomb squad. Furious police from several police forces phoned StepStone to let them know they weren’t pleased with all the false alarms. The company apologized, but still believed it was a good marketing move.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN USES FOR A PAPER CLIP

10. Step 1: Put paperclips on fingertips. Step 2: Tap fingers on table. Step 3: Annoy everyone with the tapping sound.

9. Straighten out about 40,000 clips, solder the ends together, completely cover with electrical tape, then wire your house.

8. Propping open eyelids during 2 hour lecture on early Greek accounting practices

7. Cleaning the cheese puff residue from under your finger nails

6. Mid-flight stranger consciousness consensus testers (Flick ’em at sleeping passegers)

5. Scraping the clear goo out of the corners of the empty Spam can.

4. Plead insanity by shoving a bunch up your nose in court to “keep all your mental notes in order.”

3. Making little stick men from to illustrate to your 5-year-old the ramifications of population expansion outside the bounds of economic stability

2. Making paper clip holders look useful

1. Apparently, to nag me into using worthless help files on my computer

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Having your mother’s eyes is usually a compliment… but going to a transplant bank to take someone’s eyes will land you in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: 37 year old Charles Dellaria was recently arrested for stealing from the “New England Eye & Tissue Transplant Bank” in Boston. What did he steal? Two human corneas that were donated to be transplanted. The Massachusetts man told state police that he thought the plastic foam package holding the corneas on ice was filled with lobsters, so he in fact was trying to steal the lobsters. He was arrested for burglary.

FILE #2: A Wisconsin judge ordered a 74-year-old grandmother to sew a quilt for charity in lieu of serving jail time for snatching her grandson from his parents. Betty Richmond was convicted of kidnapping her grandson. She says she was just taking him on a trip and just didn’t tell his parents. Anyway, Judge William Dyke, originally sentenced her to 23 days in jail, but when she fainted in the courtroom, he decided to change her sentence. Upon hearing from her doctor that Richmond was a quilter, Judge Dyke gave her a year to produce a quilt with children at play as the subject, to be sold at auction to benefit a children’s charity. It creates a new proverb: “A stitch in time, gets you from doing any time (for a crime)”.

FILE #3: An Arkansas man was charged with burglarizing the home of a childhood friend and was linked to the crime by cheese wrappers that he left on the kitchen counter. 21-year-old Anthony Robinson stole $1,800 worth of property from the victim who grew up with Robinson and identified him as a possible suspect after noticing cheese wrappers on his kitchen counter. Robinson had that habit since he was a kid. According to police, the victim had seen Robinson on Friday for the first time in three years and the burglary took place the next day. Should be fun when he’s getting his mugshot taken and police say, “Say Cheese!”

STRANGE LAW: According to an Illinois state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is “American.”

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Police charge Jake Sullivan picked the wrong name for his fake I-D.

…The 17-year-old student from Dover, New Hampshire, was busted over the weekend. Police say the St. Thomas Aquinas High School student was trying to buy beer with phony identification that had the name of his high school principal. Sullivan is now charged with misrepresenting his age, drunken driving and transportation of drugs. ***MARLAR: And eight days after school banging erasers.

PHONER PHUN

Where is the best burger in town?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The mother-in-law of Ruth was Naomi. What was the name of the father-in-law?

ANSWER: Elimelech (Ruth 1:2-4)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The coins we call “nickels” are made primarily of what metal?

ANSWER: Copper. Nickels are composed of 75% copper and only 25% nickel.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Residents of the United Kingdom consume more cans of baked beans than the rest of the world combined. (True)

2. The medical term for the condition known as writers’ cramp is “carpalspam”. (False – “chirospasm”)

3. The idea of painting fingernails originated in Japan. (False – China, where nail color indicated their social rank)

4. The number or word “One” appears 16 times on a U.S. dollar bill. (True)

5. The dollar sign originated from taking the abbreviation of the United States (U.S.) and placing the letters one on top of the other. (True. Later, the bottom of the “U” was dropped to form the present day design of the dollar sign.)

6. The average lifespan of a 2 dollar bill is 4 months. (False – 14 months)

7. On a Canadian 2 dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. (True)

8. America once had a five cent bill. (True)

9. Ants can live up to 6 years. (False – sixteen years)

10. The sense of smell of an ant is just as good as a dog’s. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ZUCKERBERG’S SISTER JOINS _________ (MYSPACE)

(2014) PALO ALTO, CA – Mark Zuckerberg’s sister quit Facebook and is now working at MySpace.

Randi Zuckerberg, Facebook’s marketing director and sister of Facebook’s CEO Mark Zuckerberg, has decided to resign.  This happened after Mark Zuckerberg spent three hours screaming at her – for no apparent reason.  WWN received a copy of the resignation letter from Randi announcing her decision to leave the social media company after returning from a three month maternity leave.

“I have spent my years at Facebook pouring my heart and soul into innovating and pushing the media industry forward by introducing new concepts around live, social, participatory viewing that the media industry has since adopted,” said Randi. “We have made incredible progress, but there is still much to be done and other ways I can affect change.”

The startling news is that Randi has signed a contract to be CEO of MySpace.  Justin Timberlake, one of the new owners of MySpace said he was “thrilled” to have Randi on board.  “Randi and I are excited about kicking her brother’s butt.  MySpace is going to bring Facebook down… and Randi is looking forward to eclipsing her brother’s success.” Insiders say that Randi knows Mark will be shutting Facebook down on March 15, 2012 and wanted to join a company that is growing, “not shrinking.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here.”
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter Ben?”
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: “Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

JOKE #2

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found a patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. A second patient was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked the first patient what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

The doctor inquired of the first patient what the other patient was doing. The first patient replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.”

The doctor looks up and notices the second patient’s face is going all red.

The doctor asks the first patient, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.”

The first patient replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

JOKE #3

Marty’s dental assistant, who attends the Baptist church in a nearby town, related this incident to him. One Sunday morning the pastor was giving the children’s story, and he asked the kids, “What did God use to make man?”

A little girl replied, “The dust of the earth.”

“That’s correct,” said the pastor.

“And what did God use to make woman?”

A little boy answered, “Prime rib.”

USELESS FACTS

The #1 way women can prevent a heart attack or stroke is to keep their blood pressure under control, according to a Simmons College study. ***In some cases that might mean staying away from your husband.

A crocodile doesn’t chew its food, it swallows it whole. What a waste of sharp teeth. Crocodiles also continually grow new sets of teeth to replace old teeth. ***Since they don’t use them to chew, what happens?  Do the teeth fall out from boredom?

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOOD AT SELLING SOAP

Harry went to see his old buddy in Chicago who still ran the little corner grocery store that his father started a half century ago.
Stepping into the store, Harry shook hands with his friend and they brought each other up to date. But Harry seemed distracted. The shelves of the store were filled with soap And as his friend showed Harry around the place, he couldn’t help but notice that the storeroom was filled with soap; the basement was filled with soap; the living quarters over the store were filled with soap and out back, there was a 50 foot storage trailer filled with soap.
“Hey, pal,” said Harry, shaking his head. “You sure do sell a lot of soap here!”
“Nah, not really,” replied his friend. “But the guy who sold it to me — brother, could he sell soap!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Sometimes it’s good when you shoot yourself by accident with a nail gun. Really!

A Danish man’s life was saved the other day when he nailed himself to the roof of a house he was working on. Turns out, he was slipping off of the roof, and, while trying to stop from falling, accidentally fired his nail gun pinning his leg to the house and saving him from certain death. “I have no idea how it happened,” he said. “Somehow I must have had the nail gun against my knee and pulled the trigger as I slipped.” The nail was driven through his knee and into a wooden support beam. The pain made the man pass out, and firefighters had to get him down. Fortunately, he will make a full recovery with no permanent damage to his knee.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE HEALING

When you’ve just lost a child, how can healing begin?
By Sandy Jones

The shock of events of the past 30 hours overwhelmed Jim all at once. His body felt numb, and while the world was moving along, he felt removed from it.
Jim and his wife, Connie, had just lost their beautiful four-month-old son. Preliminary diagnosis: SIDS, sudden infant death syndrome.

Thirty hours ago Jim had driven to the baby-sitter’s home to pick up Joshua. It was a routine trip, like the one he made five days every week…until he arrived, and little Joshua could not be awakened from his nap. The next few hours were a blur. Wailing sirens, swift-moving paramedics, critical-care doctors and reassuring nurses, holding hands and praying. A decision to life-flight Joshua to Children’s Hospital 60 miles away…but all in vain. Twelve hours later, the doctors had exhausted all attempts at revival. There was no brain activity. The decision was to turn off life-support. Little Joshua was gone. Yes, they wanted all of Joshua’s usable organs to be readied for donation. That was not a difficult decision for Jim and Connie, a loving and giving couple.

The next morning dawned. More decisions and arrangements. Telephone calls and funeral plans. At one point Jim realized he needed a haircut, but being new to the community, he didn’t have his own regular barber yet. Jim’s brother volunteered to call his hairdresser and get Jim an appointment. The schedule was full, but after a few words of explanation, the salon owner said, “Just send him right over and we’ll take care of him.”

Jim was exhausted as he settled into the chair. He had had little sleep. He began to reflect on the past hours, trying desperately to make some sense of it all. Why had Joshua, their firstborn, the child they had waited so long for, been taken so soon…he had barely begun his life… The question kept coming, and the pain in Jim’s heart just enveloped him. He thought about the words spoken by the hospital chaplain. “We don’t fully understand what part we have in God’s plan. Perhaps Joshua had already completed his mission on earth.” Those words didn’t ease the bitterness that was creeping in.

The hairdresser expressed her sympathy, and Jim found himself telling her all about the events of the last 30 hours. Somehow it helped to tell the story. Maybe if he told it enough times, he would gain some understanding.

As Jim mentioned the organ donations, he looked at his watch and remembered what was happening 60 miles away…where he had said good-bye to his beloved Joshua a few short hours earlier. “They are transplanting one of his heart valves right now.”

The hairdresser stopped and stood motionless. Finally she spoke, but her voice quivered and it was only a whisper. “You’re not going to believe this…but about an hour ago the customer sitting in this chair wanted me to hurry so she could get to Children’s Hospital. She left here so full of joy…her prayers had been answered. Today her baby granddaughter is receiving a desperately needed transplant…a heart valve.”

Jim’s healing began.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Does life seem meaningless to you? It does to me sometimes too…

“Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. –Ecclesiastes 12:8

If any of the Bible writers could have written for my show, I think King Solomon might have been the best candidate. He must have spent some time in some of the classes I had in college. Quoth the King, “Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless. Everything is meaningless.” I’m sure he was talking about the Intro to Broadcasting course I took in college. The one for which we had to go to the library and find out how radio waves work. I didn’t care how it worked… just that it did. To me, it was meaningless.

If you take the time to read through the book of Ecclesiastes, the one in which Solomon wailed on about meaninglessness, you’ll see that David’s son had some issues. He was the wisest man in the world, but he found wisdom to be meaningless. He was richer than Bill Gates, but he said wealth was meaningless. He built more big buildings than Donald Trump, but in the end he decided it was all… you know… meaningless.

On and on Solomon complained–detailing enough meaningless items to make anyone miserable. So, what’s the point? If everything is so meaningless, where is the value of life? Have you ever talked to someone who is well-educated but unhappy? Rich but sad? Talented but depressed? Beautiful but dejected? What makes people this way? They have discovered the truth Solomon is describing: Life without God–no matter how seemingly valuable–leads to emptiness.

Without God at the center, life indeed lacks meaning. With Him there, it has purpose. Let’s give meaning to every day, every class or job requirement, every relationship by letting God be right in the middle of them all.

LEFTOVERS

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD

An illegal immigrant is refusing to leave Kenya until a pen allegedly stolen from him is returned. Abdel Halim Siligua has accused an immigration official of taking the expensive pen at an airport on February 9. He was appearing in court on charges of failing to comply with immigration orders to leave the country. His defense lawyer, Cliff Omberta, says: “The issue is very simple; if the immigration officer agrees to return the pen, all this will be solved.” ***MARLAR: The agreement is not in writing though because Abdel still doesn’t have his pen.

LIFE… LIVE IT

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO CUT DOWN ON OIL USE

  • Don’t warm-up your car in the morning.  ***MARLAR: In fact, you save even more if you don’t even start it up at all!

  • Change the way you drive.  Remember, every time you step on the brake pedal you cancel the speed you used fuel to achieve!  ***MARLAR: So, repeat after me: No stopping!

  • Make right turns rather than left turns or U-turns.  You’ll save fuel by going around the block instead of idling at 0 miles per gallon until traffic clears and then having to overcome inertia to get moving again.  ***MARLAR: Better yet, never turn.  You might not get where you’re going or back home again, but with the money you’ll save you can live at the finest Motels in America.

  • Check Your Tires.  Tires heat up as you drive and the air inside expands, which could cause an inaccurate reading in tire pressure.  ***MARLAR: So make sure you check your tires only while your car is moving.

  • Keep Your Car Waxed.  A highly waxed car not only preserves the paint job, it cuts wind resistance.  ***MARLAR: Also, shave all the hair off your body.  If it can knock a thousandth of a second off an Olympic swimmer’s time, think of how much gas you’ll save.

  • Fill ‘Er Up Properly.  If you park in the sun or drive uphill with an overfilled tank, the fuel you paid for will end up on the ground, where it can increase air pollution… ***MARLAR:… dissolve the asphalt, cause a fire, burn through the earth’s crust, ignite the people of China, cause a war and lead to the end of civilization as we know it.  So, unless you want to unleash Armageddon, don’t “top it off.”

JUST FOR FUN

SHE CAN SLEEP ANYWHERE!

Sometimes you just can’t find a comfortable place to sleep, but one woman fell asleep and was almost killed because of where she decided to lay down!

An Alabama woman who fell asleep on a mattress in a trash bin woke up in a landfill site in Georgia. A worker at the tip in Lagrange saw 29-year-old Theresa Moorer’s leg poking out of a pile of furniture that was due to be crushed by a compactor. She refused medical treatment and told police she can’t remember why she crawled in the bin. A supervisor at the site says Ms Moorer would have been buried under a mountain of rubbish and a thick cover of earth if she hadn’t been spotted. ***MARLAR: Select Comfort usually involves a mattress – not matted trash.

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOUR TEAM STINKS THIS SEASON…

  • If the Peanut Vendor has a better arm than the shortstop.

  • If, instead of player’s jerseys, your fans are wearing umpire’s uniforms.

  • If the crowd only stays in their seats during the seventh-inning stretch.

  • If the t-shirts that get ‘sling-shot’ into the stands between innings get ‘sling-shot’ back during the game.

  • If there are more injuries in the stands than on the field.

  • If your team is named “The Royals.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Ladies, you’d better think twice before sending your man to the grocery store Why? Men tend to be overwhelmed by the number of choices.  New research shows that men don’t grocery shop as efficiently as women, and they rarely ask for help if they can’t find something. It may not be their fault though, grocery stores are designed for women and the way women shop. The top three problems men face in a grocery store are 1) They have difficulty finding things.  2) If something that is on the list isn’t available, they aren’t adept at finding a substitute so they come home empty-handed.  3) They hesitate to ask for help.  ***MARLAR: So for the love of all that’s good and holy, please… NEVER ask us to go shopping for you… EVER.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Kristi Goll pulled up Facebook on her computer to post a desperate plea: Please get tested to see if you’re a match to be able to donate one of your kidneys to my 8-year-old son. Police Officer Lindsey Bittorf saw the post and did just that. And Bittorf got good news: She was a near perfect match for Jackson. Lindsey told the eight year old boy: “I took an oath to serve and protect my community and now my kidney will serve and protect you.” http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/04/us/beyond-the-call-cop-donates-kidney-to-stranger/index.html

Sam Klein and Tommy Fello had never met, but together they granted a dying woman her last wish. Emily Pomeranz was battling pancreatic cancer and had to be moved to hospice. Her dear friend, Klein, came to visit her and asked if he could get her anything – anything to make her comfortable in this impossible situation she was in. Pomeranz smiled and told Klein that she wished she could have just one more Tommy’s mocha milkshake. Tommy’s Restaurant was 375 miles away and the milkshake had to somehow stay frozen. He reached out to the restaurant online, seeing if something could be coordinated. To his surprise, the owner of the restaurant, Mr. Tommy Fello himself, wrote back. Fello shipped a carefully packed mocha shake overnight to Klein. Klein picked it up, and took it to Pomeranz. http://aka.ms/dpi8ma

Wondering where the upcoming total solar eclipse can be seen in America? Look no further than this NASA video, which shows the most detailed map yet of the path of totality. For the video NASA visualizer Ernie Wright traced the path of the Aug. 21 total eclipse, which can only be seen in America. He said he used various data sets to help him visualize the color of the ground, the lighting of the sun and the position of the eclipse. http://ti.me/2u5e8M6

When Bikers Are Awesome! A group of more than 50 bikers in northeastern Indiana stepped up to save the day and help a sixth grade kid feel safe from bullying. Tammy Mick is the mother of Dekalb Middle School Student Phil Mick and says her son was being bullied so badly he had contemplated suicide. But rather than go to the police, she spoke with Brent Warfield of KDZ Motorcycle Sales & Service who immediately wanted to help. Warfield is the director of United Motorcycle Enthusiasts and has been hosting charity rides for years. He’s been working to raise awareness about bullying and teen suicide, so he decided to organize a special ride for Phil on his first day of middle school. He posted the information on Facebook just a few days beforehand, and he got an incredible response. More than 50 bikers met with Phil and his family for breakfast before his first day of school. They prayed with Phil before they all escorted him to school. Warfield said the school was very welcoming of the idea, and Phil was very excited about a fresh new start. (FOX News)

Christian author and speaker Lisa Harper has made a career out of bringing hope to women, many of whom are mothers. But Harper — a victim of childhood sexual abuse — says when it came to becoming a mom herself, she felt hopeless. After finding herself single and in her forties, the Tennessee woman felt the desire to become a mother and began considering adoption. At 50, after two failed adoptions, Lisa Harper adopted a girl nobody wanted — a girl from Haiti with HIV, cholera and probably TB. Today, Missy is a thriving, healthy 8 year old, whose HIV is undetectable in her blood. Missy has no scarring on her lungs from her bout with tuberculosis, nor does she have liver damage from having cholera. Missy’s doctors tell Harper her daughter’s health is a miracle. http://fb.me/tSjwYUSu

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The trouble with bucket seats is, not everybody has the same size bucket.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 04, 2017…

The Dark Tower—For Stephen King fans who just can’t get enough, at last is a screen adaptation of his book series, “The Dark Tower.”  This is King’s take on a quest (think of the Crusaders) except in science fiction times and with a touch of the Old West. There are two adversaries and they are Matthew McConaughey and Idris Elba. “The Dark Tower” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Detroit—This film is not about cars, but concerns the 50th anniversary of the 12th Street Riot at the Algiers Motel in Detroit. In 1967, the Detroit police raided the motel, ant at once, the situation became racial, resulting in the deaths of several African American people, and beatings of others, including two white women. This film is directed by Kathryn Bigelow, who is known to tackle strong subjects, such as a woman police officer in “Blue Steel,” a robbery in “Point Break,” submarines in “K-19: The Widowmaker“  and war time bombs in “The Hurt Locker.” The stars of  “Detroit” include John Boyega (“Star Wars: The Force Awakens.”) Boyega will also be in the upcoming “Star Wars: Last Jedi” and (though I may be the only fan) the sequel to the science fiction film, “Pacific Rim.” Plus, in “Detroit” are John Krasinski and Anthony Mackie. “Detroit” is rated R for themed material and violence. Rating of 3 for fans.

Ingrid Goes West—A rather sly, dark comedy, this film has Aubrey Plaza with a crush on a major celebrity (Elizabeth Olsen) and follows her to the West Coat. All because of Instagram. Other stars are Wyatt Russell and O’Shea Jackson, Jr. “Ingrid Goes West” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Wind River—Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen (busy actress) star in this action film concerning solving a murder on a Native America reservation. Olsen is a detective who hires Renner (a tracker) to help solve the case. Also in the cast are Jon Bernthal and Graham Greene. “Wind River” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

AUGUST 11, 2017…

The Hitman’s Bodyguard has Ryan Reynolds hired as a bodyguard by an old enemy—Samuel L. Jackson.

Logan Lucky is directed by Steven Soderbergh and about two siblings who plan a robbery. Stars Channing Tatum and Adam Driver.

The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature is a continuation of the animated adventures of your favorite squirrels. Voice of Will Arnett.

13 Minutes (opening in select cities) concerns an attempt on the life of Adolph Hitler. Stars Christian Friedel.

STEP is a documentary about a girl’s high school slap dance group in their senior year.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.