August 11, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

ODT: 20170811
PDF: 20170811

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)



I was thinking how I’d like to keep this show until I can sock away enough money to be financially secure and enjoy life and not work. Then it hit me — I’m enjoying life and not working now!

Next week, August 18th, is “Bad Poetry Day!”  Have any bad poems you want to share with the rest of the world?  Want to write a couple of lousy sonnets?  Send them my way, and they might end up on our August 18th show! These aren’t good poems… these are bad poems.  Lousy, stinking, “oh my gosh how awful can an attempted rhyme be” poems.  Up to the challenge?  SEND THEM MY WAY!


As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. — Ecclesiastes 11:5

You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word. — Psalm 119:114

But when they [the disciples] saw him [Jesus] walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” — Mark 6:49-50



Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. — 1 Corinthians 13:6

Thought: Love does have its delights. One of those delights is in what is authentic, genuine, and true — TRUTH! So as Jesus’ disciples, we are not deceitful, manipulative, or coercive in our relationships. Instead, we are transparent, intimate, and honest. Why? Because true love delights in truth.

Prayer: O LORD, God of love and truth, as you pour your love into my heart through your Holy Spirit, please refine my love to be genuine and true, without guile, manipulation, and deceit. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 8:11 NIV = And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.


(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)

This is THANKS FOR ALL THE GIFTS WEEK. ***This week is your opportunity to catch up on those thank-you notes you meant to send your friends and relatives from last Christmas and your last birthday. Hey… better late than never! Don’t be concerned about sounding or looking foolish… too late.

Today is PRESIDENTIAL JOKE DAY. ***But then, Kim Jong Un already has this covered.



Here are some simple tips for men to become more romantic, according to the book “Living Romantically Every Day.”

  • Make a list — Make a list of the special days on the calendar that you celebrate together, such as the day you met, your yearly anniversary, or even the anniversary of your first kiss. On these days make a point to spend some quality time together.

  • Toast to her — Toast each other when you sit down to dinner. It doesn’t need to be over bubbly or wine, but even a glass of water or iced tea. Tell her something you love about her and then drink to it!

  • Reach out and touch her — Use the power of touch to make a lasting impression throughout the day.

  • Create a photo album — Take pictures often; don’t save the camera for holidays and special occasions. Create a visual scrapbook of your everyday life together.

  • Take note of significant things — Set something aside for her every day. It might be a newspaper article you read during your commute, a link to a web site you came across, or even a story you heard by the office water cooler.

  • Be thoughtful — Do something thoughtful for her every day. Whether it’s making her a cup of coffee in the morning, sticking a surprise note in her bag, or leaving her a chocolate “kiss” on her pillow before bedtime.

  • Keep up your appearance — Let her see you at your best. It’s ironic that we dress up to meet total strangers but let ourselves go around our nearest and dearest. Most women love to see their men clean-shaven, in great clothes and perhaps wearing a hint of her favorite cologne.

  • Tell her about your moods — Be honest if you are feeling stressed or under the weather. Your woman will appreciate your honesty and will know not to take it personally when you come home in a bad mood.

  • Discuss your day — Sit down together when you get home and relate your daily experiences. The best thing about spending time apart is that it makes you appreciate each other more.


Ingersoll Day
Presidential Joke Day
Kool-Aid Day
Shop Online For Groceries Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at


International Youth Day
Middle Child Day
Milkman Day
National Bowling Day
National Garage Sale Day
Sewing Machine Day
Vinyl Record Day
World Elephant Day
Worldwide Art Day


International Lefthander’s Day


International Rose’ Day
National Navajo Code Talkers Day
Spirit of ’45 Day
V-J Da


Best Friends Day
Chauvin Day
Check The Chip Day
National Relaxation Day
National No SpongeBob Day


Joe Miller’s Joke Day
National Airborne Day
National Medical Dosimetrist Day
National Rollercoaster Day Day
Wave at
Surveillance Day


Black Cat Appreciation Day
I Love My Feet Day
Meaning of “Is” Day
National Nonprofit Day
National Thrift Shop Day


Bad Poetry Day
Birth Control Pills Day
Mail Order Catalog Day
Men’s Grooming Day
National Badge Ribbon Day
National Fajita Day
Serendipity Day


1856: Anthony Haas patented the accordion.

1885: The New Hampshire legislature repealed a 10¢ bounty on woodchucks, fearing it would threaten the state treasury after 122,065 woodchuck tails were exchanged for cash. ***So they chucked the woodchuck bounty before they could find out how much cash would be chucked if the woodchuck could chuck cash.

1962: Booker T. and the MG’s landed on the music charts with “Green Onions,” the group’s first and biggest single. It reached #3 on Billboard’s pop chart.

1963: The mystery guest on TV’s “What’s My Line” was The Kingston Trio.

1972: Elvis and Pricilla Presley filed for divorce. They had married in May of 1967.

1981: IBM introduced the Personal Computer equipped with Microsoft operating system MS-DOS 1.0. ***Boy, it doesn’t get any better than that, does it!

1984: President Ronald Reagan joked during a voice test for a paid political radio address that he had “signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”

1987: Rolling Stone magazine called the Beatles ‘60’s classic, Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, the best album made during in the previous 20 years.

1991: Paula Tyler won the Illinois State Fair’s annual husband-calling contest and announced her retirement from competitive husband-calling. ***Her husband, unfortunately, will still get to hear the prize-winning husband calling on a daily basis at home.

1992: The Mall of America, biggest shopping mall in the U.S., opened in Bloomington, Minnesota.

1994: The Iowa State Fair, opening in Des Moines, unveiled a life-size statue of singer Garth Brooks, sculpted from 250 pounds of butter.

1998: The Rolling Stones performed for the first time in Moscow. A request to perform there 31 years earlier, in 1967, was rejected.

2001: Two bungling heroin smugglers were jailed in England after they put $715,000 worth of heroin into their car’s fuel tank. But the diesel ruined the drugs and made the car break down. So then they tried to smuggle in $1.4 million of heroin using the same method. This time police stopped the car and seized the drugs, which also were ruined.

2002: US Airways, America’s sixth largest airline, filed for bankruptcy.

2004: Britain granted its first license for human cloning for the purpose of stem cell research.


1253: Clare of Assisi, a Benedictine nun known for her spiritual relationship with St. Francis and for founding the Poor Clares, dies. In 1958, citing a legend that Clare once saw and heard Mass being celebrated miles away, Pope Pius XII proclaimed her the patron saint of television.

1519: Johann Tetzel, the German Dominican priest whose peddling of indulgences inspired Martin Luther to write his 95 Theses, dies. Throughout Germany he infamously preached, “As soon as the coin in the coffer rings, the soul from purgatory springs.” Even the papal envoy eventually criticized him. As for Luther, though he once called Tetzel “the primary author of this tragedy,” when he heard Tetzel lay dying, wrote the friar a letter of comfort: “Don’t take it too hard. You didn’t start this racket”.

1890: John Henry Newman dies. Ordained an Anglican in 1824, he later helped lead the Oxford Movement, aiming to restore the Church of England to its high church principles. In 1843 he left the church and became a Roman Catholic.


  • Actor/TV host (“Newsradio”, “Fear Factor”) Joe Rogan, 50 (audio clip)

  • Wrestler/actor (World Wrestling Entertainment – VH1’s “Hogan Knows Best”) Hulk Hogan, 64 — Hulk was the first pro wrestler to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

  • Businessman (co-founder of Apple) Steve Wozniak, 67


(Music Artist Birthdays From

1925 : Mike Douglas

1942 : Mike Hugg (Manfred Mann)

1942 : Guy Villari (The Regents)

1943 : Kenny Gamble

1943 : Jim Kale (The Guess Who)

1943 : Denis Payton (The Dave Clark Five)

1948 : Bill Hurd (The Rubettes)

1949 : Eric Carmen (The Raspberries)

1950 : Eric Braunn (Iron Butterfly)

1954 : Bryan Bassett (Wild Cherry)

1954 : Joe Jackson

1962 : Bragi Ólafsson (The Sugarcubes)

1968 : Charlie Sexton

1970 : Ali (A Tribe Called Quest)

1970 : Ali (A Tribe Called Quest)

1978 : Chris Kelly (Kris Kross)

1985 : J-Boog (B2K)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we describe a delicate or risky situation as “touch and go?”
So often when we search for the origins of everyday expressions we have to go to sea. Here’s another one that stems from the days of sailing ships. Sailors in that era lived constantly with risk. They had less control over their vessels, faced a greater threat from icebergs, were more meagerly equipped to deal with rough and dangerous weather, and were considerably less able to predict the weather in the first place. Close calls were frequent, especially when it came to, say, striking an object or running aground. A delicate or risky situation, then, was one in which a ship touched something – brushed it, perhaps -but could still keep going: “touch and go.” Of course, the sinking of the Titanic was an example of “touch and no go.” (Edited from Tricky Trivia)


(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )


A bakery in California is refusing to make a pro-Trump birthday cake for a 9-year-old boy.  ***Wait a minute… so it’s NOT okay to refuse to make a cake for religious reasons, but it IS okay to refuse to make a cake for political reasons?  Did I get that right?

Researchers say that co-workers who hug get along better and are more productive.  ***When they’re not being sued for sexual harassment, that is.

The government will relax its rules that protect the endangered sage grouse.  ***Finally!  Sage grouse… it’s what’s for dinner.

McDonald’s is planning on doubling the number of restaurants they have in China. ***So now they’ll have FOUR!

The house that was featured as the setting for “The Beverly Hillbillies” is up for sale — and has the most expensive real estate price tag in the country: $350 million. It’s in the Bel Air area, near Beverly Hills.  ***But it comes with its own cement pond, and that’s pretty cool.

A study says the hearing rate loss may double in the U.S. by 2060. ***For those of you already having trouble hearing… A STUDY SAYS THE HEARING RATE LOSS MAY DOUBLE IN THE U.S. BY 2060!!!!

South Korea has introduced the first tax on robots, out of concern they’re going to put people out of jobs.  ***So be looking for the robot uprising in retaliation of taxation without representation.

In Southern California, 42-year-old Andrew David Jensen made one bonehead mistake while allegedly robbing a home. He went to the bathroom – number two – and didn’t flush. That left a nice pile of DNA evidence for police that led to his arrest. The DNA profile put together by investigators matched another profile in a national database and detectives tracked Jensen down at his home in Ventura. ***Let this be a lesson to you, parents!  If you don’t teach your children to flush, and they choose crime as a career, they might incriminate themselves when they poo-poo.

NBC’s comedy streaming service, Seeso, made its debut in January but will be shut down before the end of the year.  ***If you’re fan of NBC’s comedy streaming service — you’re probably the only one.

The city of Portland, Maine, is looking at paying panhandlers $10.68 an hour if they’re able to work.  ***This makes perfect sense.  They are already spending all of their waking moments looking for strangers to give them money – so working for government is the next logical step.

Tuesday was election day for Kenyans and while some citizens dealt with long lines and others protected themselves from rain and chilly weather, a woman gave birth — and still voted. Shortly after the woman arrived at her polling place she went into labor and, with the assistance of bystanders, gave birth to a baby girl. After a trip to a local health clinic, she returned and cast her ballot.  ***She was inspired by people in Chicago who often vote as two people.

Spike Lee is going to hold a rally at NFL Headquarters to find Colin Kaepernick a job.  ***How awful of a person must you be that Spike Lee has to come in and help you find a job?  Maybe move out of the country to somewhere that hates America as much as you do, and look for a job there.

What’s for dinner? In Indiana it was 22,000 pounds of frozen ravioli and jalapenos that went up in flames on an Indiana highway. The semi driver said he saw smoke and hit the brakes. He stopped his truck, unhooked the trailer and said the fire started shortly after that.  ***Uh oh, Spaghetti-O’s!

The longest personality study of all time (published in Psychology and Aging) suggests that over the course of a lifetime, just as your physical appearance changes and your cells are constantly replaced, your personality is also transformed beyond recognition.  ***Meaning there might still be hope for that brat kid at the next table who ruined our anniversary dinner at the restaurant Saturday night.

New York City is excited about The Spotted Cheetah, a pop-up restaurant (from August 15-17) that is completely Cheetos-driven–including Purrfectly Fried Green Tomatoes, Cheetos Mix-ups Crusted Chicken Milanese and Cheetos Sweetos Crusted Cheesecake.  ***Ah the power of cheese!

In Fort Pierce, Florida, a woman bought a couch through a Facebook ad. As soon as she got it home she decided to call police, because along with the pillows and cushions she found a “greenish leafy substance” that officers later identified as marijuana. The buyer also told police as soon as she got home she got a text message from the seller to “call her as soon as possible.” The seller said she left an “item of value” in the couch and wanted it back. When the buyer texted back that she was calling police, the seller “began texting her using vulgar language and advised her she was stealing from her.” Oddly enough, when police went to the seller’s home and spoke with her, she suddenly did not want to file a report on the item she had left inside the couch or report a theft.  ***In other words, “it’s my marijuana… unless you’re calling the police, at which point I have no idea what marijuana is.”

Kyra Sedgwick recently found out that her husband of 29 years, Kevin Bacon is a distant cousin. ***Awkwaaaard!


It’s a decision that millions of Americans face every morning: to take, or not to take, that multivitamin. Now a study of almost 15,000 men over 50 suggests popping that daily supplement could cut cancer rates by 8-percent.  ***Unfortunately, swallowing giant multivitamin pills also increases by 8-percent your chance of choking to death.

While easy to blame Facebook for feeling disconnected, an article in the Relevant Magazine says quitting social media altogether might not be the answer. According to the article, social media didn’t invent jealousy or time-wasting. The problem isn’t Facebook. The problem is us.  ***Well, actually, the problem is YOU.  Yeah… YOU.  If you’d stop posting that really awesome and interesting stuff maybe the rest of us wouldn’t waste so much time and energy being jealous of you!

For years, cranberry juice has been touted as the natural way to prevent and treat bladder and urinary tract infections (UTI). But a comprehensive review of studies has found the claims have been overhyped.   Certain sugars and a type of enzyme called flavanol found in cranberries have been thought to prevent infections by keeping bacteria from clinging to cells in the urinary tract.   Results from a review of 24 studies that included nearly 5,000 people suggest that cranberry juice may only be helpful in a select few women.  ***So a cup of Cran-Apple a day WON’T keep the doctor away.

57% of women say they’d rather be rich than maintain their ideal weight forever.  ***Well, duh.  If you’re rich you can buy liposuction!

Scientists are working on a treatment that they say may extend the lives of dogs.  ***Notice they don’t say by how much… probably because even scientists can’t figure out the dog-years-to-human-years ratio.



OPEN: And now,, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk made new badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles – but he made them defective so they’d break easily and his friends would have to keep buying new racquets. Will his scheme work? Let’s find out, As the Jungle Turns…

CLOSE: Double notched racquets – wouldn’t those break twice as easily as the single notched racquets? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.


Hey, when you’re tired, you’re tired, right? And if you need to take a nap, does it really matter where you take it? Well, it might matter if you’re on a narrow ledge 20 feet above the pavement!

A man had to be rescued by firefighters after he fell asleep on a two feet wide ledge 20 feet above a Norwich street. The man apparently climbed on to the ledge because of the heat. He then fell asleep on the ledge. Strangely, he stayed asleep even as rescue efforts to keep him from falling. He slept through the rescue operation and only woke up after a fire crew started using their noisy aerial platform. By that time they had lassoed the man’s feet by dangling a rope down through an open window above the ledge. After they pulled him back into the room, the man in his 20s, ran off. According to one of the rescuers, “The crew did an excellent job considering. They had to make eye contact with him the minute he opened them so they could just grab him that second and haul him in. If he’d had a chance to realize what was going on it could all have gone horribly wrong. I honestly thought he was going to go. All he had to do was move a couple of inches and he was off.”



10. Do you know how hard it is to find a secret cave in Oklahoma?

9. Snickering clerks when you pick up your dry cleaning.

8. Recent tax law changes have reduced the maximum lifetime depreciation schedule for spandex based work clothing.

7. Your cape is “Dryclean only”.

6. With the use of cell phones becoming more and more popular, phone booths are nearly impossible to find.

5. Always being asked to open the jar of pickles.

4. It’s just not possible to have a good hair day when you get to work flying faster than the speed of sound.

3. Ever present, effeminate side kick makes it hard to meet chicks.

2. No vacation pay.

1. “Oh it’s you. I was hoping for Superman.”


Taking that towel from the hotel might get you into some trouble… but taking the whole hotel room at checkout lands you in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: When you check out of a hotel, do you ever take anything with you? 21-year-old Ken German did and is facing 5 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. But, he stole everything! The towels, the TV, the refrigerator, microwave, mirror, three lamps, two wall pictures and linens towels. He was easy to find — the motel’s owner called police and gave them German’s name, address, phone number that he had provided the hotel and when authorities searched German’s apartment, they found everything. He told police he was just not thinking clearly at the time.

FILE #2: This one sounds too crazy to be true. Word has it that a burglar in Japan broke into a woman’s home and stole all her money. But for some reason he felt sorry for the traumatized burglary victim, so he actually gave her a receipt for the things he stole! And the receipt included his name and address. Of course. In the event she wants to get her stuff back there’s no way she can do it without a receipt. It only makes sense, right?

FILE #3: A Springfield, Massachusetts woman recently had her car stolen. Thinking quickly she dialed the number of her cell phone, which was still in the car, and the thief answered. She explained that she “really needed her car” and offered to give him $1,000 if he would return it and he agreed to do so. Her next call was to police and she explained the ransom deal, but authorities figured that no one would show. No ones that stupid right? Wrong! The stolen car pulled up to the curb at the appointed time moments later and 19 year old Christian Blandino was arrested.

STRANGE LAW: It is a felony in Montana for a wife to open her husband’s mail.


This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

It’s Today in History… with your Brain on Drugs!

On this date in 2001, two bungling heroin smugglers were jailed in England after they put $715,000 worth of heroin into their car’s fuel tank. But the diesel ruined the drugs and made the car break down. So, not learning from history, then they tried to smuggle in $1.4 million of heroin using the same method. This time police stopped the car and seized the drugs, which also were ruined.

Court is no laughing matter as far as one North Carolina judge is concerned.

(2010) A Fayetteville man who was waiting for his case to be heard drew the ire of Judge Toni King after starting to laugh in a Cumberland County courtroom. Authorities said King asked 47-year-old Johnny Montgomery why he was laughing, but the man refused to say. King ordered Montgomery to jail on a misdemeanor charge. As deputies were preparing to take Montgomery to jail, they searched him and found more than 3 grams of crack cocaine. Montgomery was charged with felony drug possession.



In case you haven’t seen the movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, “The Bucket List” is about two men who learn they are terminally ill and decide to make the most of the time they have left; the items on their “Bucket List” include racecar driving, skydiving, climbing the Pyramids, a lion safari in Africa and a trip to the Taj Mahal. When people were asked in a recent survey, “Which places in the world do you want to visit before you ‘Kick the Bucket’?” the top responses were:

  • The Grand Canyon

  • The Pyramids in Egypt

  • The Great Barrier Reef

  • Niagara Falls

  • Canadian Rockies

  • Great Wall of China

  • New York

  • Sydney

  • Rome

  • Venice

When asked in general what they would want to do before they kick the bucket, respondents replied:

  • Visit the Seven Wonders of the World

  • Swim with dolphins

  • Go on safari

  • Learn to speak more than one language fluently

  • Write a best-selling novel

  • Take a trip in a hot air balloon

  • Scuba dive off Australia’s Great Barrier Reef

  • Watch all their DVDs

  • Do a sky-dive

  • Make amends with a friend of family member they have fallen out with

PHONER: Have your listeners add to the lists!


QUESTION: At His arrest, Jesus said the Father would give Him how many legions of angels?

ANSWER: 12 (Matthew 26:53)


QUESTION: How many ears does Mr. Spock have?

ANSWER: Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear! (Groan.)

QUESTION: In what comic strip was the idea of Sadie Hawkins Day introduced?

ANSWER: Lil’ Abner 


Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. A black cow is a chocolate soda with chocolate ice cream. (True. The term dates from the Roaring Twenties, although it also came to be used to describe a root beer float. Another term for a black cow was a mud fizz.)

2. The cashew is the nut from a “cashew apple.” (True. It only grows in tropical regions. After harvesting, the cashew apple keeps for only 24 hours before the soft fruit deteriorates. The cashew apple is not commercially important since it spoils quickly, but local people love the fruit.)

3. The Ritz cracker was introduced to markets in 1953. (False – 1934, but gourmets had to wait until 1953 for the invention of cheese in a can.)

4. Americans eat an average of 8 pounds of fresh apples each year. (False – eighteen. The most popular variety in the United States is the Red Delicious.)

5. An apple, onion, and potato all have the same taste. (True. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell. To prove this – pinch your nose and take a bite from each. They will all taste sweet.)

6. Mr. Peanut was invented by a schoolchild. (True… in 1916 by a Suffolk, a Virginia schoolchild won $5 in a design contest sponsored by Planters Peanuts.)

7. “Lunula” is the tip of the finger and toenail that is white. (True., It is called this – referring to the moon -because the end of the nail is rounded like the moon.)

8. The word “piano” is really an abbreviation for the word “pianolara”. (False – “pianoforte”)

9. Duffel bags are named after the town of Duffel, Belgium, where they were first made. (True)

10. The words “volt” and “voltage” are named for a member of the Italian nobility in the 1700s named Count Voltman. (True)


You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!


NEW YORK –  The world is in crisis.  Now is the time to head for another planet.  Buy a UFO and go!

With the US market on the brink, Weekly World News has decided to enter into a new business line, the manufacture and sale of spaceships. this is not a joke.  It’s only a matter of time before the entire world economy collapses.  Climate change may destroy our planet AND… aliens have begun a mass invasion.   What can you do?

Buy a spaceship and get outta here!

There’s no reason to panic.  There are other planets where the economy is good, there are plenty of jobs and… the grass is greener.

No need to worry anymore.  No need to panic about finances or incompetent leaders and government.   It’s time to live… on another planet!

Prices range from $3 to 15 million.  President Trump has made it easy to purchase a spaceship.  You can put it on a special U.S. Government Credit Card.   Essentially, you will be paid to leave Earth.

Buy one and… go!



A Texan wanted to go ice fishing while visiting Rockford, IL visiting family over the Christmas holiday. He’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, he packed some warm clothes and in the dead of winter headed north to find a frozen lake.  He made his way to Illinois and stopped when he found one.

After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly —from the sky— a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole to fish from. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The Texan, now quite worried, moved way down to another part of the ice, away from the first two holes he’d cut, sat up his stool, and tried again to cut his ice-fishing hole. The voice came once more: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

He stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you LORD?”

The voice replied, “No, I’m the Ice-Arena Manager!”


A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art.

“What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”


Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users – People who break other people’s computers.


While only 8% of American women have an hourglass figure, wherein the waist measures at least 9 inches less than the bust, most new clothes are designed to fit that shape.  ***Isn’t that like McDonald’s suddenly making 92% of their menu items out of grass simply to appease the vegetarian customers?

Exercising for 30 minutes a day will not only strengthen your heart and muscles, but also strengthen your brain. If you work up a sweat for just a half an hour and you will be able to learn faster, remember more, think more clearly and recover more quickly from brain injuries. ***In other news, exercising for 30 minutes a day will not only strengthen your heart and muscles, but also strengthen your brain. If you work up a sweat for just a half an hour and you will be able to learn faster, remember more, think more clearly and recover more quickly from brain injuries.



A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, “You’ve got to help me. It’s my son.”
“What’s the matter?”
“He’s always eating mud pies. I get up in the morning and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come home at lunch and he’s eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies.”
The psychiatrist reassured him, “Give the kid a chance. It’s all part of growing up. It’ll pass.”
“Well, I don’t like it, and neither does his wife.”



Gas chambers aren’t usually a place of happiness and miracles… but then, you ain’t met one particular dog!

Say the words “gas chamber” gruesome images of people being euthanized come to mind. Sadly, at animal shelters, this method is also used to put unwanted animals to sleep. And that is where our story begins. Cast into a city gas chamber to be euthanized with other unwanted and unclaimed dogs, it appeared that the one-year-old Basenji mix had simply run out of luck – and time. But this canine had other ideas. When the death chamber’s door swung open, the dog (now named Quentin) stood very much alive, his tail and tongue wagging in joy amid the carcasses of a half-dozen other dogs killed by the gas. Animal Control supervisor Rosemary Ficken had never seen such a thing and didn’t have the nerve to slam the door shut again on the dog and fire up the carbon monoxide. This 30-pound orange dog, she believed, beat the odds and should live on. ***MARLAR: (ATTENTION: OBSCURE VEGGIE TALES REFERENCE COMING UP!) They named the dog Quentin, after the prison… but in this scenario, of being saved in the gas chamber, wouldn’t a name like Rack, Shack, or Benny be more appropriate?


Jesus spent His life bearing the insults of those who insulted God. King Hezekiah’s messengers received much the same reaction in the tribes of Israel when they presented the invitation to return to the Lord and celebrate Passover (2 Chronicles 30:10).
To the backslidden Israelites, the archaic idea of a Passover in Jerusalem was absurd. The messengers sincerely tried to turn the Israelites’ hearts back to God, but the results were the same in village after village: “But most of the people just laughed at the messengers and made fun of them” (v. 10). However, the Scripture records that “some . . . humbled themselves and went to Jerusalem” (v. 11).
If we just want to please ourselves, we will not venture out into the stream of evangelism where our feelings may get hurt. The burden of evangelism, however, belongs to God, and if we love Him, we will be willing to “bear the disgrace he bore” (Hebrews 13:13). We must realize that we are simply messengers delivering an invitation that others can either accept or reject. If Jesus was reproached, so must we be.
Rejoice if men ridicule you. You are bearing the insults of God!

–Larry Stockstill



Read: Isaiah 1:10-20

Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; put away the evil of your doings. –Isaiah 1:16

A health teacher taught his students the importance of washing their hands before eating. He had them take scrapings from their fingers and put them in an environment that fosters the growth of bacteria. A few days later, they looked at the results through a microscope. The students found critters from their fingers that could have made them sick if they had eaten them with their dinner.

Many people who make sure they wash their hands before they eat are careless about a far more serious kind of contamination. They should heed the advice of Isaiah. He showed God’s people the visible evidence of their evil condition. He pointed to their crumbling society and told them it was the result of their moral and spiritual pollution. They had lived for selfish rewards, ignored justice and mercy, and loved material possessions more than people. No wonder Isaiah exhorted them, “Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean” (Isa. 1:16).

Behind Isaiah’s words is the heavenly Father’s love. Because God can see the danger of sin, He points to its visible, physical results. He pleads with us to be as careful with what we take into our hearts and minds as we are with what we put into our mouths.



When is striking oil NOT a good thing? When it hits your water supply!

The discovery of oil is usually cause for celebration, but it has only meant aggravation for a U.S. Air Force base in Texas. A sludgy black substance that polluted tap water at Randolph Air Force Base is none other than the famed “black gold” that made the state of Texas rich. The base has about 12,000 people that were affected by the contamination and were supplied bottled water for the residents of the base. ***MARLAR: Hey, we’re hitting oil now without even trying! Can we PLEASE bring gas prices down?



If you’re calling in sick when you’re not, be warned – 1 out of 3 bosses is onto your game. A new survey shows 33% of workers have played hooky from the office, calling in sick when they were not at least once this year. And 31% of employers have checked up on an employee who called in sick; 18% have fired a worker for missing work without a legitimate excuse! About 9% of workers who played hooky admitted to calling in sick because they wanted to miss a meeting, buy some time to work on a project that was already due, or avoid the wrath of a boss or colleague. Others missed work because:

  • They just needed to relax and recharge (30%)

  • Run personal errands (14%)

  • Just didn’t feel like going to work that day (34%)

  • Catch up on housework (11%)

  • Go to a doctor’s appointment (27%)

  • Spend time with family and friends (11%)

  • Catch up on sleep (22%)

Of the 31% of employers who checked up on an employee who called in sick, 71% said they required the employee to show them a doctor’s note, 56% called the employee at home, 18% had another worker call the employee, and 17% drove by the employee’s house or apartment.



Jarislav Emst of Gilwice, Poland, had his cancerous tongue removed, but doctors were able to construct a new tongue for him using tissue from his buttocks. They sewed it into his mouth, and they say blood is circulating into it and he appears to be doing well.  ***MARLAR: Any comment I make for this would be considered non-family-friendly.  But I will say that I’m glad the story had a happy “ending”.


PLEASE EXCUSE has compiled a list of written school excuse notes parents have written for their kids at one time or another.

  • “My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.”

  • “Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.”

  • “Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.”

  • “Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.”

  • “Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”

  • “John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.”

  • “Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”

  • “Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.”

  • “Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.”

  • “Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.”

  • “Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.”

  • “Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.”

  • “Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.”

  • “Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.”

  • “Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.”

  • “My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.”

  • “Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.”

  • “Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.”

  • “Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.”

  • “Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.”

  • “Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.”


Getting a pet may help children with autism to develop their social skills, if the furry friend is brought into the home when the child is about 5 years old, according to a new French study.  Researchers found that children with autism who got a pet after age 5 showed improvement in their abilities to share with others and to offer comfort, whereas those who had a pet since they were born, and those who never had a pet, showed no such improvement.


Is it really more expensive to eat healthy?  An Agriculture Department study found that most fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods cost less than foods high in fat, sugar and salt.  That counters a common perception among some consumers that it’s cheaper to eat junk food than a nutritionally balanced meal.  The government says it all depends on how you measure the price. If you compare the price per calorie – as some previous researchers have done – then higher-calorie pastries and processed snacks might seem like a bargain compared with fruits and vegetables.  But comparing the cost of foods by weight or portion size shows that grains, vegetables, fruit and dairy foods are less expensive than most meats or foods high in saturated fat, added sugars or salt.  That means bananas, carrots, lettuce and pinto beans are all less expensive per portion than French fries, soft drinks, ice cream or ground beef.  ***But that doesn’t change the fact that French fries, soft drinks, ice cream and ground beef all taste better and are more fun to eat.

You may have the best intentions not to snack after dinner, but your brain has other ideas. Specifically, there are certain areas of your brain that are actually more receptive to food at night, according to researchers from Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. A study found that when women looked at high-calorie foods, their brains showed an increase in neural activity, which was not unexpected. However, what was surprising to the BYU researchers is that the brain activity was less reactive to food rewards in the early evening than it was late at night. Translation: When you eat food during the day, you get a rush of satisfaction — more so than when you eat it at night. To increase the rush of satisfaction when we eat at night, we tend to overeat.

To lose weight, you need to consume fewer calories than you burn. But eating less — in most cases, a lot less — is hard. What if you didn’t have to eat less every day — just some days? This may be a dieter’s dream come true: alternate-day fasting diets are just as effective as diets that restrict calories every day, according to researchers from the University of Illinois at Chicago. The study: Led by Krista Varady, an associate professor of nutrition, the team followed 100 obese adults for a full year. Each participant was assigned to one of three diet groups: alternate-day fasting, everyday calorie restriction and a control group. Those in the alternate-day fasting group consumed only about 500 calories every other day. On the off-days, or “feast” days, participants ate whatever they wanted. The everyday restriction group reduced their daily calorie intake by about 25 percent, to about 1500 calories each day. The control group had no dietary changes. The results: The alternate-day fasters lost, on average, 6 percent of their body weight, while those who followed the everyday calorie restriction plan lost 5.3 percent.

Quick! Where’s your smartphone? Chances are, it’s either already in your hand or within easy reach. And there is nothing wrong with that, right? Quite possibly, there is nothing wrong with that. Smartphones are useful and fun devices — nothing more. But when it does become more than that, it can spell trouble. Yes, you can be so attached to your phone that it turns into an obsession or even a real addiction. Larry Rosen, Ph.D., professor emeritus of psychology at California State University, Dominguez Hills, is an expert in the field of technology addiction, an area that’s only gaining more attention these days. For the past 30 years, he has studied the impact of technology on more than 50,000 children, teens and adults worldwide. Perhaps the most eye-catching statistic he has come across is this: The average person checks his or her phone about 60 times a day for a total of 220 minutes — nearly four hours. Technology addiction is the same as any other type of addiction. How can you tell if you’re addicted to your phone?

  • You need more of the addictive “substance” — in this case, it could be social media, surfing, apps gaming or all of these — in order to feel the same happiness and satisfaction.

  • Time away from your phone leads to depression, anxiety or stress.

  • When you are not using your phone, you are restless and keep thinking about it.

How can you get into the habit of healthy technology use? Rosen suggests creating a schedule and allotting a certain amount of time for certain devices. Changing your behavior can change your addictive propensities, but a true addiction takes time to fix.

Researchers in the field of shape analysis have discovered that cars really do have personalities. Dennis Slice, a professor of scientific computing at Florida State University, says many automobiles resemble human faces when viewed head-on. For example, a Volkswagen Beetle with its wide-eyes headlights and curved hood resembles a smiling child. “This is the classic cute car not dominant, not aggressive,” Slice explains. “I don’t think anyone could be mean to someone in a Volkswagen Beetle.” A sporty Ford Mustang with its long hood and narrow headlights projects adult male features exuding dominance and aggression. “This is a car that’s ready to take care of business,” Slice says. “You don’t want to mess around with this car.”  Researchers believe shape analysis can help automobile designers create models that appeal to different kinds of customers. There’s also evidence that cars’ personalities directly relate to their owners’ driving habits and interactions. “If you see an aggressive car in your rearview mirror, you may be more likely to pull over,” says Slice. “By the same token, if you see a submissive car trying to merge, you may be more likely to help the innocent little car get into traffic.”


(Feel-good story of the day!)

If it had not been for the quick thinking of this Uber driver, a simple Monday night drive could have ended in tragedy.

Chris Farley was called to pick up a young male passenger from his house in Gulfport, Florida around 8PM. While they were driving, the passenger told Farley that he had recently been diagnosed with brain cancer. When he realized the passenger wanted to be dropped off in the middle of Skyway Bridge (well known for being a spot where people commit suicide by jumping), he knew the man was in trouble. Before arriving, Chris drove through a toll booth and had the passenger tell the toll booth operator his story as well – indicating to the operator that something was wrong. Chris also asked to pray with the passenger and to take his picture so he could continue to pray for him once he dropped him off. In reality, he wanted the photo to show police – which he did once he dropped him off at the Skyway rest area. He called 911. Police then arrived on the scene and found the man near a pier on the water. While the man tried to evade police by swimming into the water and drowning himself, they were able to pull him out, conduct CPR, and take him to the hospital for treatment. When interviewed, Chris said “God put that man in my car tonight for a reason. I’m just glad he is still alive.”

Read the full story at


Time outs or loss of privileges – definitely. Spanking – maybe. Using a stun-gun – no way!

Police in Houston have arrested 27-year-old Whitney White for using a stun gun to punish her five-year-old son. Her lawyer says it was “discipline that went a little too far.” Police say it was a felony injury to a child. The boy told police it happened last fall after he got into trouble at school. “From zero to 10, it hurt 10,” he said, according to court documents. White is also accused of hitting the boy, now 6, with a belt last month. The most incredible part of the story may be White’s own statement to police. She actually said, “My anger management class told me not to Tase him, but we didn’t go into what else to do.” The boy and his sibling, a 2-week-old baby, have been placed in a relative’s care by Child Protective Services.


Don’t trust anyone over 30 who used to say “Don’t trust anyone over 30.”


Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 11, 2017…

13 Minutes (opening in select cities)—This German film (subtitled) tells the true story of Georg Elser (played by Christian Friedel) who tried to kill Hitler with a bomb during WWII. Friedel’s life was not a pleasant one. Others in the cast include Johann von Bueloe and Cornelia Konegren. “13 Minutes” is rated R. No rating.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard—So hit men need bodyguards? Daniel Craig would need one? How about Jason Statham? In this movie, Samuel L. Jackson does need a bodyguard and who does he get? His former nemesis, Ryan Reynolds. This is a comedy, by the way. “The Hitman’s Bodyguard” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Logan Lucky—How to make easy money. Rob a bank. In this comedy film, two siblings decide to do just that. They have fast cars (compliments of a southern speedway) and figure they can out run the law. Stars are Channing Tatum, Riley Keough, Katie Holmes, Sebastian Stan, and Adam Driver. “Logan Lucky” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature—A animation film, it has the little animals are peacefully living in their forest when along comes—gasp—a land developer!  What to do? They all join forces to take care of this situation. Voices of Will Arnett, Katherine Heigl. Maya Rudolph and Jackie Chan. “The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

STEP (documentary)—The Sundance Film Festival produces another winner and this documentary concerns a step dancing team at Baltimore Leadership School for Young Women. Thee is boundless energy here and a chance to work off frustration. Learning the routines and the diligence of practice, the girls begin to see dance as a chance for a college scholarship and life improvement. The school’s academic advisor is the key to inspiring the girls and giving them a role model. We can look at our own lives and see there a role model who helped us. There are looks into the lives of some of the girls and that includes dealing with some parents who aren’t helping their children to improve themselves. The goal is a high GPA for education goals and getting from one life style to another. Film director Amanda Lipitz and cinematographer Casey Regan give you a close-up of young women on the move.  “STEP” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

AUGUST 18, 2017…

Polaroid concerns a haunted camera (what else?).

Tulip Fever is a historical romance set in the 17th century and about that special flower, the tulip. Stars Alicia Vikander.

Death Note is based on a manga story. Supernatural story starring Nat Wolff.

Villa Capri has mobsters hunting for Tommy Lee Jones and is the last film for the late actress Glenn Headly (remember her from “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.”)

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment,, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at