August 14, 2015: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150814

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Well, we have a few seconds to kill here before the show begins. Did you ever notice, when you close your left eye, how big the right side of your nose looks?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the person.” –Proverbs 27:19

 

We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. — Ephesians 2:10

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. On him God the Father has placed his seal of approval. — John 6:27

 

Thought: What are you spending the biggest bulk of your life working for? Is it a boss, a promotion, a sense of importance, a secure lifestyle …? If it can be taken from you, or you can be removed from it, then it’s not very permanent is it! Only what Jesus gives us is truly lasting, and it comes from God’s grace. So how can you more fully invest yourself in work that “endures to eternal life”?

 

Prayer: Un-cloud my thinking, dear God, so that I may more clearly see what it is that I’m working for in my life. Help me find ways to invest myself, “my” time, and “my” money in those things that are eternal. But, dear Father, I must confess that I will need your help to find my significance in my relationship with you and not in what I do, produce, and accomplish. Please forgive and strengthen me as I commit to seek you above all other things. In the name of Jesus, your Son and my Savior, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:14 NIV = because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – AUGUST 14, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 134 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

The CHILI DOG DAYS OF SUMMER begin today for people who like hot stuff regardless of the weather.

 

Today is NATIONAL CREAMSICLE DAY. ***MARLAR: The perfect dessert to go along with your chili dog!

 

1981: The BBC recording of the Royal Wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana became the #1 album in Britain. ***MARLAR: How is that possible? My wife can’t even get me to sit down for 30 minutes to watch our wedding video! Why would anyone want to sit and listen to a recording of someone else’s wedding?!?

 

Today is NATIONAL HUSBANDS IN LOVE DAY.  ***MARLAR: Tip #1 – don’t make stupid remarks about how you hate watching your wedding video with your wife. (Aside from that, just pretend today is Valentine’s Day, guys – that should cover you.  Assuming you didn’t screw that up last February.)

 

Today is INTERNATIONAL NAGGING DAY, a day to celebrate and remember the gift of positive nagging.  ***MARLAR: Which you’ll get a lot of if you screw up National Husbands in Love Day by getting your wife a chili dog and creamsicle.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

National Navajo Code Talkers Day

Shop Online for Groceries Day

V-J Day

Worldwide Art Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15

Best Friends Day

Chauvin Day

Check The Chip Day

International Geocaching Day

International Homeless Animals Day

National Relaxation Day

World Honey Bee Day

 

SUNDAY, AUGUST 16

Joe Miller’s Joke Day

National Airborne Day

National Rollercoaster Day

 

MONDAY, AUGUST 17

Black Cat Appreciation Day

Cupcake Day

Meaning of “Is” Day

National Thrift Shop Day

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18

Bad Poetry Day

Birth Control Pills Day

Mail Order Catalog Day

Serendipity Day

 

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19

Aviation Day

“Black Cow” Root Beer Float Day

National Medical Dosimetrist Day

World Humanitarian Day

 

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20

Earth Over Shoot Day (Ecological Debt Day)

National Radio Day

 

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21

Men’s Grooming Day

National Spumoni Day

Poet’s Day

Senior Citizen’s Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1933: The first episode of the daily radio soap opera Ma Perkins aired on WLW in Cincinnati starring 23-year-old Virginia Payne. The show moved to NBC four months later, and Payne was Ma Perkins for 27 years through 7,065 episodes.

 

1935: U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act, creating a system of federal income insurance for the elderly.

 

1958: In the first Canadian Football League game, Winnipeg defeated Edmonton 29 to 21.

 

1958: Elvis Presley’s mother, Gladys, died of a heart attack at age 42.

 

1976: The Gagers beat the Elbows 491 to 467 in a 365-inning softball game at Monticello, New York, the longest softball game on record. Starting at 10:00 a.m. on August 14, the game was called because of rain and fog at 4:00 p.m. on August 15. The 70 players raised $4,000 to build a new softball field for the local hospital.

 

1979: Burglars broke into Jennie Martelli’s apartment in Niagara Falls, New York, and stole her kitchen sink. Nothing else was taken or damaged.

 

1981: The BBC recording of the Royal Wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana became the #1 album in Britain. ***MARLAR: How is that possible? My wife can’t even get me to sit down for 30 minutes to watch our wedding video! Why would anyone want to sit and listen to a recording of someone else’s wedding?!?

 

1982: Bill Neal became the first person to row a bathtub across the English Channel. In 13 hours and 29 minutes he paddled the 21 miles from Dover, England, to Cap Griz, France.

 

1991: The Agricultural Progress Exhibit in Rock Springs, Pennsylvania, introduced cow shoes, rubber shoes for cows with hoof injuries.

 

1992: A local health board in Massachusetts briefly closed a Chinese restaurant for the way it drained water from cabbage. They had placed the cabbages in laundry bags between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot and drove over them in a van.

 

1995: Shania Twain’s album The Woman In Me passed the double-platinum mark, two-million albums in six months. At last report, sales were well over 10-million.

 

1996: Tampa police captured a hatchet wielding bandit who robbed a service station when he ran out of gas about 20 miles from the station. He got $300, but he forgot to fill up.

 

2003: The chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, Roy Moore, said he would not remove a Ten Commandments monument from the state judicial building, defying a federal court order to remove the granite monument.

 

2003: A massive power failure in Ohio, Michigan and the Northeast, as well as eastern Canada, left some 50 million people without electricity for as long as two days.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1248: Construction of the Cologne Cathedral begins. Workers completed it on the same date in 1880.

 

1314: Raymond Lull, visionary evangelist to the Muslims, sails for North Africa.

 

1942: Bill Wallace returns to China as a missionary doctor. He had vowed to give his life for this work years earlier.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (X-Men, Gothika, Swordfish, Catwoman) Halle Berry 47
  • actress (“JAG”) Catherine Bell 47 (
    )
  • basketball’s Magic Johnson is 56
  • actress  (You Got Served, Lisa Landry on “Sister, Sister”, Sandra Clark on “227”) Jackee Harry 59 (
    )

    actress (Love At First Bite, Carbon Copy, Kate Mcardle on “Kate & Allie”) Susan St. James 69 (
    )
  • comic (The Jerk, Parenthood, Father of the Bride, Cheaper By The Dozen, The Pink Panther) Steve Martin 70

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1926 : Buddy Greco

1940 : Dash Crofts (Seals and Crofts)

1941 : David Crosby (Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young)

1941 : Connie Smith

1942 : Lionel Morton (The Four Pennies)

1946 : Larry Graham (Sly and the Family Stone)

1947 : George Newsome (The Climax Blues Band)

1947 : Maddy Prior (Steeleye Span)

1951 : Slim Dunlap (The Replacements)

1956 : Sharon Bryant (Atlantic Starr)

1960 : Sarah Brightman

1970 : Kevin Cadogan (Third Eye Blind)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How did actors get the name “barnstormers”?

Actors have long been called “stormers” because of their ranting and storming. And in the early days of the theater in England there were not enough playhouses to hold all the troupes of players that toured the country. Poor troupes and those going far afield often played in barns; these players were therefore “barnstormers.”

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Danny Gokey found out this week that the best plans can go wrong very quickly. He presented his wife with a picture this week and she loved it, at least until Danny pointed out how much thinner she was in the picture then after the birth of their two children. In retrospect, Danny posted: I started out great by giving my wife a gift and then I put my big ole foot in my mouth.

 

Francesca Battistelli has something in common with Kari Jobe and Jodi of Love and the outcome; she is also pregnant. Francesca tweeted this week: there must be something in the water. Goodwin Baby #3 due in March.

 

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer was at a Ted Cruz Presidential rally this week. He tweeted: Hot in here. Must be trying to let us know what socialism will feel like.

 

Building 429 member Aaron Branch says his wife Tara is struggling with having a daughter who is going into middle school. She recently told Aaron: I hope you are prepared to have a daughter in middle school this year because I’m not! We need to have all the boys afraid of you!

 

Jenny Simmons says she will be seeing a lot of Texas this fall. She shared her itinerary online this week and it goes something like this: Missouri. Texas. Seattle. Texas. Florida. Texas. Las Vegas. Texas. However, Jenny doesn’t seem to mind. She went on to say: I couldn’t be more happy to back in my home state so many times.

 

Kutless member James Mead is going off grid. He tweeted this week: I’m in Alaska, and I’ll be here for the next ten days in a remote location for a family vacation. I won’t be tweeting.

 

Building 429’s Jesse Garcia travels a lot but this week he was having and even harder time than normal dealing with the TSA inspectors. Following the inspection Jesse tweeted: I feel like Andy Dufrain from Shawshank Redemption, at the end of tunnel escape scene, after today’s TSA fiasco.

 

Sara Groves was cheering on her son this week. She has been spending every spare minute on her new album so, when Toby expressed a desire for calzones for dinner, Sara says she had to turn him down. However, Toby didn’t sulk. Instead he got out the ingredients himself and created his own calzone for he and the rest of the family to enjoy together that evening.

 

Comedian Bob Smiley is passing along a suggestion from one of his fans. The fan suggested that Bob Smiley go on tour with Big Daddy Weave and they call it the Bob and Weave tour. Bob Smiley responded: “Brilliant!”

 

Moriah Peters is out with a list of five summer beauty tips from her team. They include:

  1. SPF – all day every day
  2. LIPS – Velvet Teddy by MAC
  3. PITS – Keep the B.O. away with burts bees sage deodorant spray
  4. HURR – anti humidity spray for those sweaty days?
  5. WHITE – my favorite color and it reflects the sun rays

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Disgruntled man can’t pay parking fine with rolls of pennies
CHAMBERSBURG, Pa. (AP) — A Pennsylvania borough is putting the brakes on a disgruntled handyman’s attempt at paying his $25 parking fine with 50 rolls of pennies. Chambersburg officials told Justin Greene his passive-aggressive payment of 2,500 pennies wasn’t allowed under a federal rule…

 

Police officers rescue groundhog with head stuck in tin can
BETHLEHEM, Pa. (AP) — One lucky groundhog might live to see another Groundhog Day thanks to authorities in eastern Pennsylvania. The creature roaming Lehigh University wasn’t able to see its own shadow — or much of anything — because its head was stuck in a tin can. Campus police…
Teen finds gold bar while swimming in German Alpine lake    photo
BERLIN (AP) — A teenager has made an unexpected find while swimming in a lake in the German Alps: a 500-gram (17.6-ounce) bar of gold. Police said Wednesday that they are still trying to figure out where the bar comes from and how it got into the Koenigssee lake, a popular tourist destination…
Odd suckers: Octopus species that’s weirdly social, romantic    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The octopus already is an oddball of the ocean. Now biologists have rediscovered a species of that eight-arm sea creature that’s even stranger and shares some of our social and mating habits. With their shifting shapes, mesmerizing eyes, and uncanny intelligence, octopuses…
Cat video festival draws 13,000 to St. Paul baseball stadium
ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — St. Paul’s mayor threw out a ceremonial ball of yarn to mark the opening of an annual festival for cat videos that drew thousands of feline fanatics to a city stadium. Mayor Chris Coleman said 13,000 people were at CHS Field on Wednesday night for the fourth Internet…
Feds: Blood lab bribed doctor with Justin Bieber tickets
NEWARK, N.J. (AP) — Federal prosecutors have charged a New York doctor with accepting cash bribes and tickets to Justin Bieber and Katy Perry concerts from a New Jersey blood lab. Fifty-year-old Bret Ostrager was indicted in federal court Tuesday on charges of violating anti-kickback laws and…
Neighbors sue to stop Seattle family’s bird feeding
SEATTLE (AP) — A couple in Seattle whose 8-year-old daughter feeds crows and pigeons is being sued by neighbors who say the birds have damaged their property. HASH(0x1400830) Anna Johnsen, the attorney representing two neighbors who are suing the Manns, says the residential neighborhood is…
Iowa officer: ‘Happily obliged’ suspect’s selfie request
IOWA CITY, Iowa (AP) — An Iowa City police officer has said he “happily obliged” a motorist who asked to take a selfie with him after the man acknowledged that he’d smoked marijuana before driving. Twenty-year-old Gilbert Phelps of Iowa City was arrested last week after being pulled over for…
Woman takes limo to shoplift in Minnesota mall
ROCHESTER, Minn. (AP) — Police say a 22-year-old woman accused of shoplifting arrived in style at a mall in southeastern Minnesota. Authorities say a limousine driver who took the woman to the Apache Mall in Rochester on Monday helped police to find her. HASH(0x140fda0) As police searched the…
Macedonia: Mother’s love behind abduction of baby baboon
SKOPJE, Macedonia (AP) — The mystery of a baby baboon abducted from Skopje’s zoo had a bittersweet resolution: A mother says she stole it as a gift for her deaf son. The 26-year-old woman told Dnevnik newspaper took that she lifted Luka, an 18-month-old crowd favorite, as a belated birthday…
Wallenda completes his longest tightrope walk in Wisconsin    photo
WEST ALLIS, Wis. (AP) — High-wire daredevil Nik Wallenda has completed his longest tightrope walk ever during an appearance at the Wisconsin State Fair. TV station WTMJ reports Wallenda on Tuesday evening crossed the 1,576-foot wire that was strung more than 10 stories above the Milwaukee…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Hold it! San Francisco uses paint to fight public urination    photo
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Public urination has gotten so bad in San Francisco that the city has painted nine walls with a repellant paint that makes pee spray back on the offender. It’s the latest effort to address a chronic problem in a city where the public works director calls himself Mr….

 

Doctors: Various factors figure into Carter cancer treatment    photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Determining what treatment to pursue for former President Jimmy Carter’s cancer will depend on its type, its origin and factors such as age and health, doctors said. Carter, 90, announced Wednesday that recent liver surgery found cancer that has spread to other parts of his…
Kids with cancer get futuristic chance at saving fertility    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Barely 2 years old, Talia Pisano is getting tough treatment for kidney cancer that spread to her brain. She’s also getting a chance at having babies of her own someday. To battle infertility sometimes caused by cancer treatment, some children’s hospitals are trying a futuristic…
Scientists say fetal tissue essential for medical research    photo
BOSTON (AP) — The furor on Capitol Hill over Planned Parenthood has stoked a debate about the use of tissue from aborted fetuses in medical research, but U.S. scientists have been using such cells for decades to develop vaccines and seek treatments for a host of ailments, from vision loss to…
EPA chief: Colorado mine spill ‘pains me’    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The head of the Environmental Protection Agency said Tuesday her department takes full responsibility for spilling 3 million gallons of mining waste that turned a southwest Colorado river an unnatural shade of orange, adding it “pains me to no end.” Gina McCarthy made the…
Colorado may ban ‘candy’ name on marijuana treats    photo
DENVER (AP) — Edible marijuana products in Colorado may soon come labeled with a red stop sign, according to a draft of new rules released Wednesday by state marijuana regulators. The state may also ban the word “candy” from edible pot products, even if they’re sweets such as suckers or gummy…
Blue Bell begins 1st ice cream shipments after listeria
BRENHAM, Texas (AP) — Blue Bell Creameries has resumed ice cream shipments four months after listeria contamination halted sales and production. The Brenham, Texas-based company on Tuesday used Twitter and Facebook to announce its trucks “are on the road again” and filled with ice cream. The…
Group behind anti-abortion videos is something of a mystery    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — It calls itself the Center for Medical Progress, and its name has been all over the news in the past few weeks after it began releasing hidden-camera videos that set off an uproar over the use of tissue from aborted fetuses in medical research. But a review of the…
First lady’s healthy kids director knows toll of poor diet    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Debra “Deb” Eschmeyer was jobless and near penniless but excited about heading to Ecuador with her husband as Peace Corps volunteers. Then everything changed. Jeff, the high school sweetheart she had recently married, was diagnosed in February 2004 with diabetes, a lifelong…
Some US rowers fall ill at 2016 Olympics test event    photo
RIO DE JANEIRO (AP) — Thirteen rowers on the 40-member U.S. team came down with stomach illness at the World Junior Rowing Championships — a trial run for next summer’s Olympics — and the team doctor said she suspected it was due to pollution in the lake where the competition took…
NYC mayor: Legionnaires’ outbreak has claimed 12 lives    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Two more people in the Bronx have died of Legionnaires’ disease, bringing the total of fatalities to 12 in the largest outbreak of the disease in New York City history, officials said Monday. There are now 113 reported cases of Legionnaires’ in the Bronx, and cooling towers in…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A landscaper in Rockdale, Texas, believes he found the carcass of a chupacabra, but skeptics think it may actually be a coyote or raccoon with mange.  *** Oh, in that case, I found the elusive MANGE-acabra!  Now where’s my Animal Planet TV special?

 

A full review is being conducted to find out how an orangutan escaped its enclosure at a zoo in Melbourne, Australia. The 11-year-old male Sumatran orangutan, named Malu, escaped its display area at the zoo and made it into a public area before being cornered and tranquilized by zookeepers. Malu used a blanket to move wires and escape the enclosure, leading to an evacuation of visitors to safe areas in the zoo. Malu was lured back into his enclosure with treats.  *** And Caesar gave him a stern talking-to.

 

After Pamela Downs was arrested for allegedly trying to pass counterfeit money in Tennessee this week, she told cops what she thought President Obama had made counterfeiting legal.  *** First Obamacare and now Obamabucks – is there anything this man won’t corrupt?!

 

An Alabama robbery suspect ran across a bull while allegedly fleeing police recently. Suspect Brad Lynn Hemby and a female accomplice were chased from a house they were said to be  robbing after the homeowner caught them in the act. Hemby and the woman drove off with officers in pursuit. They crashed near a cow pasture, and Hemby ran. Police said: “The driver fled across a cow pasture and grabbed the attention of a bull roaming the field.” The bull also gave chase along with deputies. The chase ended when Hemby ran into a barbed wire fence and surrendered.  *** You were hoping the bull would catch him first, weren’t you?  Yeah… me too.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Stop wasting your money and buy generic like the smart kids do. A recent study (Tilburg University in the Netherlands and the University of Chicago) found 9 times out of 10 doctors buy generic aspirin over the brand-names and the majority of professional chefs buy generic, store-brand sugar and baking powder over the brand name ingredients. The study found Americans waste $44 billion a year on name brands when store brands cost half the price.  ***MARLAR: Beginning immediately, my show will now be named “The Generic Morning Show”.

 

A UK study finds that people lie about how much alcohol that they drink. ***Then again, maybe they just can’t remember.

 

Women who enjoy a daily dose of coffee may like this perk: It might lower their risk of stroke.   Women in a Swedish study who drank at least a cup of coffee everyday had a 22 to 25 percent lower risk of stroke, compared to those who drank less coffee or none at all.  “Coffee drinkers should rejoice,” said Dr. Sharonne N. Hayes, a cardiologist at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. “Coffee is often made out to be potentially bad for your heart. There really hasn’t been any study that convincingly said coffee is bad.”  ***MARLAR: I don’t know if this study also applies to men, but I’m not taking any chances – which is why I start each day with a 52oz mug of the stuff.

 

The hottest new health fad in India is people simply laughing at each other. People claim that the laughing helps them feel less stressed and relieves everyday ailments. In fact, membership of early morning laughter clubs in the Indian city of Pune is booming with two new clubs forming in a matter of two weeks. Most clubs run sessions from six in the morning with breathing exercises, calisthenics and then 15 minutes of laughter. Their members are convinced the laughter is making an impact on their physical and mental well-being.  ***MARLAR: So if you feel better from listening to my show, now you know why.  If you don’t feel better after listening to my show… now you know why.  (Creepy video illustrating this story)

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “X-Ray Vision”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Charles Marshall, “Altoids”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffelson had just escaped from the hospital in order to avoid getting his tonsils out. Unfortunately, a Razzleflabbin named Clarence has the job of showing Marvy what happened because he didn’t have the surgery! And it’s not pretty.

 

CLOSE: This story gets more and more grim by the day! Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 15/16, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: So Gruffy’s going on a picnic… I’m thinking Millard’s going to want to go too. So what’s the big deal with that? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A man is arrested for being too close to his bride on his wedding day!

This is just as weird as it gets. In Batavia, New York, 45-year-old Timothy Cole managed to get his ex-wife to marry him again. However, Tim then got into a quarrel with a guest at the reception following the wedding and someone called police. Turns out the officers were very familiar with Tim from previous arrests and here’s the real kicker — they also realized his bride still had an active restraining order against him. So he was arrested and charged with first-degree criminal contempt — which is a felony because he was too close to his own bride!

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN INDICATIONS THAT YOU HAVE BACKSLIDDEN

  1. The last three worship services you’ve attended have all been on Christmas Eve.
  2. The last time you read the Bible there were only three Gospels.
  3. The last 3,243 prayers you’ve made all ended with the phrase, “and bless this food to our body’s use.”
  4. The last time the offering was passed you seriously considered “borrowing” a few bucks.
  5. The bumper sticker on your car says, “I’m a Christian, but I’m NOT honking for anyone!”
  6. The last ministry you were involved in began when some Greek widows started complaining (Acts 6).
  7. The last time you were at a Church potluck, casseroles and jellied salads hadn’t been invented.
  8. The last prayer meeting you were at was interrupted when Peter came to the door (Acts 12).
  9. The last prompting you felt from the Holy Spirit was a request for Gatorade (see 1 Thess. 5:19, KJV).
  10. You remember becoming a Christian but you can’t remember why.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man robs a bank, and then blabs it to an audience of 300 people – while on stage!

 

FILE #1: Glenn Mason was arrested and charged with bank robbery. And he’s going to have a tough time denying this one, too. About 300 witnesses at a club heard him make his confession. You see, after one of his stick ups, Glenn decided to try his hand at comedy and during open mic night at the local comedy club he went into a routine detailing how he robbed banks for a living. Employees of the club didn’t see the humor in his routine and called the cops who checked out his story and arrested him. ***The cops, on the other hand, thought the guy was a complete laugh-riot.

 

FILE #2: Darryl Owens may be the least intellectually equipped bank robber of all time. He walked in to a Huntington, Ohio, bank as it was opening at 9 a.m. and approached a teller, demanding money in a threatening manner. The teller told him to go back and get in line with other early-arrivers. Owens threatened a second teller, who then pulled out a large wad of money and laid it on the counter for him, and Owens took about half and fled. Before police arrived, Owens walked back into the bank, laid the money on the counter, and asked for a $45 money order. The teller, thoroughly confused, told Owens to get out of the bank, which he did, leaving on the counter his entire stash. Police chased down Owens’ car a few blocks from the bank and arrested him.

 

FILE #3: The Scottish Daily Record has an interesting item about a motorist who was caught speeding by photo radar. He received a ticket in the mail for the equivalent of $90–complete with a photograph of his car’s license plate. He responded by mailing a photograph of the money. A few days later he received something in the mail from the police. It was a photograph of a pair of handcuffs. He paid the fine.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Hartford, Connecticut it is illegal to educate a dog.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Not only does drinking to excess make you drunk – it also makes you a lousy parent.

Donna Gillum of Kissimmee Florida called 911 to report that her daughter had been missing for an hour, which then lead to a search involving over a dozen police officers, a helicopter and police dogs. A couple of hours later they located her daughter – exactly where Donna had left her … at a baby sitter’s house. Donna has now been charged with 3rd degree child neglect (she was drinking at the time) and the police want her to pay $2,000 to cover the cost of the search.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

I’m still having a hard time believing what I saw yesterday on my way home from working out. I saw a pregnant wife mowing her yard. Apparently the woman was pretty far along in her pregnancy. I may be the wrong person to make this judgment, but is it right to have a woman who’s that pregnant doing stuff like that? And if there’s a man in the house, where is he? What do pregnant women do, or try to do, that you think they shouldn’t do?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who did Jesus send fishing in order to get money for taxes?
ANSWER: Peter (He was a fisherman, after all! See Matthew 17:24-27 = “And when they had come to Capernaum, those who received the temple tax came to Peter and said, ‘Does not your teacher pay the temple tax?'”)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: “Good to the last drop” is the slogan for Maxwell House… but they are not the first product to use the slogan. Who used it first?

ANSWER: Coca-cola used to use the slogan “Good to the last drop,” in 1908.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Amtrak is the combination of the words “American” and “Track”. (True)

 

  1. Approximately 75% of all office documents get lost. (False – 7.5%)

 

  1. Bill Gates began programming computers at age 3. (False – age 13)

 

  1. American women, on average, spend 90 minutes per day getting showered, dressed, and groomed. (False – 55 minutes)

 

  1. An average American child watches approximately 28 hours of television in one week. (True)

 

  1. Approximately one million people get married in Las Vegas each year. (False – 100,000)

 

  1. Approximately 50% of Americans admit they have run a red light. (True – and the other fifty percent must be liars!)

 

  1. Approximately one out of every 55 women from Canada give birth in their car on the way to the hospital. (True)

 

  1. Australian Graham Barker extracted his own belly button fluff every day for 18 years acquiring a record-breaking amount of fluff. He hopes to accumulate enough fluff to stuff a pillow. (True. Eww.)

 

  1. By recycling just one glass bottle, the amount of energy that is being saved is enough to light a 100 watt bulb for an hour. (False – for four hours.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Alaska Couple Gets Married In __________”  (Swimming Pool)

Talk about taking the plunge! In Nikiski, Alaska, Mark Confer and Joanne Wainwright did — took the plunge that is — and a very cold one at that. The couple was married Saturday in a swimming pool. They didn’t exactly jump inwith both feet; instead, both came whooshing around and down the 136-foot water slide into the pool. After saying their vows, they sealed their union with a passionate wet kiss. Both Mark and Joanne are passionate about physical fitness. While Mark’s passion is downhill skiing, Joanne enjoys swimming competitively and coached high school swim teams most of her life. Even their wedding cake was in the shape of a swimming pool with the bride and groom coiled on the diving board, ready to dive in. (Peninsula Clarion)

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures and I couldn’t stop talking!”

 

JOKE #2

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “Excuse me, what’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “Excuse me, what’s meat?”

The North Korean says, “Excuse me, what’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me? What’s excuse me?”

 

JOKE #3

A very large passenger plane was flying over the ocean to Europe, 400 people aboard. The intercom comes on. ‘Welcome aboard. This plane is built with the very latest in technology. We are flying on automatic pilot. Do not be alarmed. There is absolutely nothing that can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong, go wrong…

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A British private school will begin offering a course on happiness.  ***MARLAR: So those that say, “Money can’t buy happiness” simply don’t know what course to take.

 

The Technical University of Denmark found that the smell given off by old carpets in an office can make workers dizzy, nauseous and cause some headaches. ***MARLAR: Their control group suffered the same ill effects just from going to work.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

AND YOUR NAME IS

The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. “What is your name?” he asked.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. John Darling.”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WHAT AISLE WOULD I FIND EDUCATORS IN? ARE THEY NEXT TO THE APPLES?

One school’s shortage of teachers was solved in an interesting way… with students out shopping for new teachers!

The city of Essex was having some problems finding teachers to fill the open positions at their problem schools. After advertising for the positions did not work, they tried something drastically different… they sent the students themselves out to find the teachers. And even more odd is where the students ended up finding teachers… at the supermarket! In fact, they’ve recruited so many people to be teachers at their school, they’re now finding teachers for other schools in their area! The Safeway store on the rapidly expanding Chafford Hundred housing development near Thurrock agreed to the experiment. So far, groups of children aged 11 and 14 at the 600-pupil school have volunteered to do three two-hour stints during the early evening to see if they can root out teaching staff. The Safeway store agreed to the experiment, and so far, the students have found 38 new teachers! ***MARLAR: Math teachers can be found at the register now, History teachers are in the back rotating stock, and professors of government can now be found in the frozen foods section.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

The Winner is always a part of the answer;
The Loser is always a part of the problem.

The Winner always has a program;
The Loser always has an excuse.

The Winner says, “Let me do it for you;”
The Loser says, “That’s not my job.”

The Winner sees an answer for every problem;
The Loser sees a problem in every answer.

The Winner says, “It may be difficult but it’s possible;”
The Loser says, “It may be possible but it’s too difficult.”

So be a winner! (God doesn’t create losers!)

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“The Levites…took their places to praise the Lord” (Ezra 3:10). What a sight it must have been for the first time in almost a century when the song of the Lord was again sung in Jerusalem! Seventy years of captivity in cruel Babylon had given way to a restoration of praise and worship. A “great shout of praise to the Lord” (v. 11) rang out as the people released their emotions of thanksgiving: “He is good; his love to Israel endures forever”! Even today, God is restoring praise and worship to His Church. Ezra 3:13 tells us that the “sound was heard far away,” and so will our praise be heard by a lost world waiting for some sound of the joy of the Lord. Satan hates the praises of God, for they represent a regathered people, a determined people, an evangelistic people. Some will not understand our praise because the “man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God” (1 Corinthians 2:14). We know that praise releases the waiting hand of God. We must stay in the praising crowd: that is our destiny throughout all eternity!

 

 

LEFTOVERS

MAYBE HE FORGOT THE WAY HOME?

How do you misplace an elephant? Some people in India have lost one!

Forest officials in India say they have finally spotted a celebrity elephant that has been missing for four days. The wildlife staff says they spotted the partially blind elephant with a large herd. He was reported to have broken free from his chains and gone after a female elephant. They still do not have the elephant back though; they’re trying to find a way to separate him from the herd.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

HEAVY METAL

(Woman’s Day) Remember that over-packing can really harm your health. Last year there were more than 53,000 visits to the ER for luggage related injuries around the holidays, according to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. Follow these tips from orthopedic surgeon and Woman’s Day Advisory Board Member Letha Y. Griffin, MD:

  • Pack lighter.
  • Choose wheeled luggage that’s right for your height. You shouldn’t have to bend down to pull the handle.
  • Use a backpack instead of a shoulder bag for your carry-on.
  • Lift luggage with both hands, and bend at the knees, not your waist.
  • Before grabbing your luggage, do a quick stretch, especially if you’ve been sitting for a long time. Extend your hands high above your head, then bend down slowly and try to touch your toes.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

RUBBER CHECK

Of all the checks you might receive in the span of a year, you’d think that your IRS refund check would be the most reliable.  Yet one man’s IRS check bounced!

It’s bad enough that you have to give your money to the government through taxes all year long. And you’re overtaxed quite often, which is why you get a refund – because they’re taking more money from you than they’re supposed to. But when you receive an IRS refund check, you’d think you’d be able to get your money and go on with life… but not if that IRS refund check bounces! Johnathon Hudson’s $300 tax refund check did exactly that. Hudson said he spoke with several IRS officials over the course of several days after learning of the bad check, but they and the bank were stumped, at first. The IRS and bank eventually discovered that a computer problem caused the check to bounce and Hudson finally got his much-awaited refund a few days later. Instead of cashing it though, he tried to sell the rubber check on eBay because it’s such a rare item.  He said it was worth a lot more than $300 to him because of all the hassle he had to go through with it.  So he decided to auction it off.  Ironically, the bids were considerably less than $300 – so he cancelled the auction and deposited the check.

 

 

FUN LIST

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050

  • Florida to Be Re-admitted to Union
  • Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
  • Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
  • Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
  • Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
  • D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
  • Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s
  • Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges
  • 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BLUE BEDTIME

Want a better night’s sleep?  Turn your TV and computer off at night!

Turning off your computer and TV a few hours before bedtime results in more satisfying sleep, reports a Sleep and Biological Rhythms study. Volunteers who spent more pre-bedtime hours in front of a screen were more likely to report they didn’t get enough sleep, even though they slept just as long as a control group. TV and computer screens emit blue light; that suppresses melatonin production, which begins at 10pm says Joan E. Roberts, Ph.D. “So if you block that output, you’ll disrupt your sleep.” Addicted to the nightly news? Try listening to the radio or reading the news paper.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A massive gate unearthed in Israel may have marked the entrance to a biblical city that, at its heyday, was the biggest metropolis in the region. The town, called Gath, was occupied until the ninth century B.C. The Old Testament also describes Gath as the home of Goliath. The new findings reveal just how impressive the ancient Philistine city once was. Though archaeologists have been excavating at the site since 1899, it wasn’t until the past few decades that they realized how massive the Iron Age remains really were. http://ow.ly/QzcTd

 

It sounds like fans of Netflix show Fuller House, the Full House re-boot, won’t be disappointed. Candace Cameron Bure, who plays D.J. Tanner, was part of the tapeings of the first 2 shows and said the studio audience went crazy for both shows. The show picks up the life of DJ as a single mom. The show will also welcome back Jodie Sweeten as Stephanie Tanner and Andrea Barber as Kimmy Kibler. John Stammos and Bob Saget, playing their roles as Jesse and Danny Taner, are also expected to make some appearances.  http://ow.ly/QQXVz

 

The clock is ticking down to the first day of school. But, don’t panic or let stress fill your remaining summer days and weeks. iMom is offering a countdown to back to school checklist that will keep the details in order so you can enjoy your kids and what’s left of the summer.  http://bit.ly/1Md2GEw

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If there was any part of today’s show you did not understand — and you’d like a complete explanation — simply mail your request to “Huh?” in care of this station.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Cool Ideas for a Warmer Workplace

We lived in Dallas, Texas, in the late 1980s. Moving from Sacramento, California, we were used to hot weather. But northern California summers have that famed “dry heat.” Dallas summers have that “unbearable who-chooses-to-live-here” kind of heat. By year three, we adjusted. Almost…adjusted.

 

It was interesting to see men in suits and sport coats with ties on hot summer days. And on Sundays, we noticed the women wearing sweaters to church! The Dallas mindset was simple: you live in air conditioned homes, travel in air conditioned cars, and work in air conditioned offices. Thus, churches were also very cool places to be!

This past week, I discovered that office temperature is a long standing issue for women. Two male scientists have published a study in the journal Nature Climate Change. They’ve determined that office temperatures are set based on a decades-old formula calculating the metabolic rates of men. (See the complete story here: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/04/science/chilly-at-work-a-decades-old-formula-may-be-to-blame.html?emc=edit_th_20150804&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=68618012)

From this scientific report, we learn that most building thermostats are set using a thermal comfort model from the 1960s. That model used air temperature, air speed, vapor pressure, and clothing insulation to arrive at the recommended setting. Who knew that still today we have been impacted by “Fanger’s thermal comfort equation”? Well, most women can tell you…it’s too cold in most offices.

Changing times have brought more women into the workplace. In fact, women now comprise about half the staffing of many companies. And their metabolism is slower than a man’s.

Bottom line…changes in office temperature pre-sets are being recommended. Read the article if you want more details. And especially if you’d like to see that Fanger equation mapped out! I was overheating just looking at it!

I have another idea. Call it, “Mark’s Five Ways to Warm Up the Workplace.” It has nothing to do with thermostats. Or any equation from Fanger.

My five will not actually change the temperature in the office, but your team will find YOU a much warmer leader. Your “Good Boss Score” will go up. Perhaps your retention rate as well.

My five ways are:

  • Give compliments. Employees almost always feel shortchanged on hearing about the good work they are doing. Think back on the One Minute Manager. He uses “one minute praisings” when catching people doing something right. Good idea!
  • Ask questions of interest. To help remove the stigma of “all he/she cares about is us making more money,” use casual conversation to find out basic lifestyle points of interest in the lives of your team members. Keep notes on this information for reference later. Bring an item up in a meeting!
  • Unexpected treats. Having a company brunch, lunch, or individualized treats dropped off in the afternoon during busy seasons or difficult pressure times are sure day brighteners. Especially if the boss is the one delivering the goods.
  • Thank you notes. As the hard hearted boss might ask, “Why do I need to give my employees a thank you note? I believe that’s called a paycheck!” A good boss doesn’t need my answer, but here it is anyway: Thank you notes increase loyalty and turn up job performance because people feel appreciated! Many people hold on to them for years. If you need ideas in writing them, think about what you would like written in such a note written to YOU.
  • Half day party. Why wait for the Christmas season? Plan a half day cookout asking your team to relax and share stories about how THEIR company has helped people. Invite discussion of some challenges. Give lots of pats on the back. Put a little fun back into life for these folks.

Keep in mind this is only a starter list. No doubt a creative session would yield many more good ideas.

The Bible does not have such a list. But one of the distinctives of the Christian faith was how workers were instructed to perform faithfully even in difficult circumstances. Likewise, bosses were told to treat their workers well—unlike the mistreatment that was common in that day.

In Colossians 4:1, we read, “And masters, treat your servants considerately. Be fair with them. Don’t forget for a minute that you, too, serve a Master—God in heaven.” (MSG)

Wise leader, perhaps you may want to check how employees feel about office temperature. Women in parkas in August is generally not a good sign.

That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

AUGUST 14, 2014…

 

The Man From U.N.C.L.E.—Yet another earlier TV action series (reference: “Mission Impossible”) is now brought to the screen. This time, it has to compete with five successful “Mission Impossible” films. Remember the suave Robert Vaughn as Napoleons Solo and David McCallum as his Russian sidekick, Illya Kuryakin. They go against the bad guys who have kidnapped the father of a scientist (Alicia Vikander.) This is in the Sixties with the Berlin Wall.  Solo now played by Henry Cavill and Kuryakin by Armie Hammer. Also in the cast is Hugh Grant. Vaughn and McCallum were top stars in their day with McCallum now back on top in “NCIS” as a navy doctor.  Guy Ritchie directs. “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Straight Outta Compton—In the 1980’s (and this week at the movies seems to go back in time,) there was the beginning of Hip Hop, especially associated with the group N.W.A. which had Dr. Dre and Ice Cube as members.  They don’t play themselves, but Ice Cube’s son (O’Shea Jackson Jr.) portrays him as a youth and Corey Hawkins is Dr. Dre. The story of the groups rise in music is told against street rioting of that time. Profanity here and beware of the R rating.

 

Underdogs—This animated film is about two rivals from childhood. Voices of Matthew Morrison from “Glee” and Nicholas Hoult who meet as adults and start the rivalry all over again. One is a soccer player and the other wants to demolish the field for real estate purposes. Other voices include Kate Hudson,  Ariana Grande and John Luguizamo. “Underdogs” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for animation fans.

 

Shaun The Sheep Movie–Claymation as an animation art form, has its fans, and this film goes with the best of them like “Wallace & Gromit.”  In this story, done by Claymation Studio Aardman, a herd of sheep must pull themselves together and go to the Big City to find their owner, a farmer, who can’t remember anything.  This involves humor such as the sheep going to a restaurant and then to an animal shelter. There are no voices here, rather sounds. This film is based on a British teleivision show. “Shaun The Sheep Movie” is rated PG. and rated 3 for fans and you know who you are.

 

Ten Thousand Saints—This coming of age film set in the 1980’s, stars Hailee Steinfeld, Asa Butterfield, Emile Hirsch and Emily Mortimer, who hang out together as teens. When Emily discovers she is pregnant and the father has died, the group decides to raise the baby by themselves. Study of drug use and yippies. “Ten Thousand Saints“ is rated R. No rating.,  Book by Eleanor Henderson.

 

AUGUST 21, 2014…

 

Digging for Fire has a young, married couple finding a weapon and bones and over a weekend trying to figure out what is going on. Stars Jake Johnson and Anna Hendrick.

 

Sinister 2 carries on the theme of the first film in which people are haunted by spirits.

Stars Shannon Sossamon.

 

Sleeping With Other People stars Jason Sudiekis as a guy who regularly cheats and tries to reform.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.