August 16, 2015: Sunday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150816

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Warning! Portions of the following program may try to sell you something. And, believe me, those are the most important portions of the following program.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. –1 Corinthians 10:13

 

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. — Romans 5:3-4

 

If we live, we live to the Lord: and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. — Romans 14:8

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. — Psalm 23:2-3

 

Thought: When we are exhausted, depleted, and on the edge of burn out, we need to have our souls restored! But who can restore our souls? Only the One who will lead us beside still waters! The Lord is our Shepherd. He alone can fully bring the nourishment and replenishment that we need. Yet why do we sometimes find it so hard to set aside time to be with him? Could it be that we keep our lives so busy that we miss out on the one thing that matters most?

 

Prayer: As you have shown me time and time again, dear Father, I know that being with you restores me in a place within my heart that no one else can reach. Forgive me for seeking nourishment and refreshment from places that are unholy and unhelpful. Reinvigorate me with your presence and power so that I can serve you more victoriously. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:16 NIV = The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.

 

 

TODAY IS SUNDAY – AUGUST 16, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 132 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is STAY HOME WITH YOUR KIDS DAY, a day to support and encourage stay-at-home parents.  ***MARLAR: And if you’re already at work, just go up to your boss and tell him or her that Marlar said you’re supposed to stay at home today with your kids.  I’m sure your boss will understand.

 

Today is NATIONAL TELL A JOKE DAY. ***MARLAR: And if you happen to be a stay-at-home parent, you probably get enough jokes as it is. How many times can you hear “Knock, knock – who’s there – banana” before going a little bananas yourself?

 

Today is REMEMBER WHAT YOUR SPOUSE WORE THE FIRST TIME YOU MET DAY.  ***MARLAR: Ooh… if anything was designed to get husbands in trouble, it’s this day!  Personally, I do remember what Robin was wearing that first day we met… a red and white polka-dot dress.  At least, I think it was red and white… maybe it was stripes.  Then again, come to think of it, she was wearing blue jeans and an orange t-shirt.  Crud… I’m in big trouble.

 

Today is NATIONAL TRUE LOVE FOREVER DAY.  ***MARLAR: Only a woman’s true love could get past her husband not remembering the special things… like what she was wearing the first day you met.

 

This is NATIONAL FRIENDSHIP WEEK.  (August 15-21)  And the type of friends you prefer reveals a lot about your personality, says psychologist Dr. Elayne Kahn, co-author of “1001 Ways You Reveal Your Personality.”

  • Just one close friend — You need someone to confide in and trust. You don’t trust people very easily, but once you do you’re very loyal. You take friendship very seriously and never take your friends for granted.
  • Friends of your own sex only — You enjoy tradition and believe boys should be boys and girls should be girls. You’re more comfortable when people are in more traditional roles. You enjoy friends who have something in common with you.
  • Friends of the opposite sex only — You enjoy being the center of attention, but don’t like competing for it. Intimacy is very important to you, and you’re capable of deep relationships.
  • Friends you just party with — You love to socialize, but don’t like people getting too close. You’re very independent and want to stay that way – and you especially don’t like to become dependent on one person.
  • Friends from the workplace — You love achieving, working hard, making money and always moving ahead. All things in your life – including friendships – are geared toward making your career as successful as possible.
  • Different friends for different occasions — If, for example, you go dancing with one group of friends and play touch football with another, you’re well-organized, but don’t like to become too involved with people. You’re a busy, active person.

 

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Joe Miller’s Joke Day

National Airborne Day

National Rollercoaster Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

MONDAY, AUGUST 17

Black Cat Appreciation Day

Cupcake Day

Meaning of “Is” Day

National Thrift Shop Day

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18

Bad Poetry Day

Birth Control Pills Day

Mail Order Catalog Day

Serendipity Day

 

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19

Aviation Day

“Black Cow” Root Beer Float Day

National Medical Dosimetrist Day

World Humanitarian Day

 

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20

Earth Over Shoot Day (Ecological Debt Day)

National Radio Day

 

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21

Men’s Grooming Day

National Spumoni Day

Poet’s Day

Senior Citizen’s Day

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 22

Be An Angel Day

International Tongue Twister Day

Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day

Take Your Cat To The Vet Day

 

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23

Day For The Remembrance of The Slave Trade & Its Abolition

Go Topless Day

Valentino Day

 

MONDAY, AUGUST 24

Knife Day

Pluto Demoted Day

Vesuvius Day

Wayzgoose Day

William Wilberforce Day

National Waffle Iron Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1942: Contemporary Christian songwriter Don Wyrtzen was born. He has written “Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow” and “Worthy is the Lamb.”

 

1954: The first issue of Sports Illustrated was published.

 

1977: Elvis Presley, The King of Rock ‘n Roll, was pronounced dead at Memphis Baptist Hospital at 3:30 in the afternoon. He was 42 years old.

 

1978: James Earl Ray, convicted assassin of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., told a Capitol Hill hearing he did not commit the crime, claiming he’d been set up by a mysterious man named “Raoul.”

 

1980: Barbara Nissman of Denver became the first tractor assembly line concert pianist when the John Deere Company hired her to present recitals for workers at their factories.

 

1983: Singer Paul Simon and actress Carrie Fisher were married. They divorced in 1985.

 

1984: Janet Harris set a world record in Selsey, England, by eating 7,175 green peas in an hour—one at a time, using chopsticks.

 

1985: Madonna married Sean Penn in Malibu. She wore a leather teddy; he wore boxing gloves. They divorced in 1989.

 

1992: Tree surgeons Bill Droneburg and Melody Cline of Walla Walla, Washington, were married 20 feet off the ground in a maple tree.

 

1998: A team of monster-hunters reported it had failed to find any trace of a mysterious creature thought to have inhabited Sweden’s Great Lake for 360 years. The fleet of 15 boats with researchers and divers equipped with underwater video cameras and echo equipment found no signs of the monster reportedly sighted on 150 occasions by 450 people since 1635.

 

1999: Former town manager Leon Wurl became part of the new Main Street in Erie, Colorado, when his wife poured some of his ashes into the hot asphalt. Wurl had led the push to re-pave 14 of Erie’s streets before his death a year earlier.

 

2001: A Boston man convicted of kidnapping and raping a woman at gunpoint in 1995 didn’t think his eight to 10-year sentence was fair. So he asked for a retrial. Alton Clark’s plan backfired in 2001 when he was found guilty at the retrial and sentenced to 12 years in prison.

 

2002: Scientists at the University of Glasgow in Scotland published research validating the so-called “beer goggles” effect. In their study of 120 male and female students, those who had drunk a moderate amount of alcohol found the faces of the opposite sex 25% more attractive than their sober counterparts.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1773: Pope Clement XIV dissolves the Jesuit Order, fearing its growing power. Pius VIII restored the order 41 years later.

 

1863: Abraham Lincoln signs the Emancipation Proclamation.

 

1875: American evangelist Charles Grandison Finney, the leading revivalist of the nineteenth century, dies.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Beautiful Girls, Ordinary People, “Leverage”) Timothy Hutton, 55
  • Actress (“ER’s” Dr. Kerry Weaver) Laura Innes, 56 (
    )
  • Actress (Waiting to Exhale, Contact, How Stella Got Her Groove Back) Angela Bassett, 57
  • Producer/director (Aliens, True Lies, Titanic, Avatar) James Cameron, 61
  • TV’s Kathie Lee Gifford 62
  • Actor (dad Carl on “Family Matters”, Die Hard) Reginald VelJohnson, 63 (
    )
  • actress (Tina on “Will & Grace”, Sophie Bremmer on “Desperate Houswives”) Leslie Ann Warren 69 (
    )
  • Actress (Chief Brody’s wife in the Jaws movies) Lorraine Gary, 78
  • Actress (“Batman” TV show’s The Catwoman) Julie Newmar, 82 (
    )
  • sportscaster Frank Gifford would’ve been 85

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1915 : Al Hibbler

1922 : Ernie Freeman

1924 : Fess Parker

1931 : Eydie Gorme

1938 : Ketty Lester

1942 : Barbara George

1945 : Kevin Ayers (Soft Machine)

1945 : Gary Loizzo (The American Breed)

1946 : Gordon Fleet (The Easybeats)

1948 : Barry Hay (Golden Earring)

1949 : Scott Asheton (The Stooges)

1953 : James “J.T.” Taylor (Kool and the Gang)

1957 : Tim Farriss (INXS)

1958 : Madonna; Born Madonna Louise Ciccone

1960 : Chris Pedersen (Camper Van Beethoven)

1972 : Emily Erwin (The Dixie Chicks)

1980 : Vanessa Carlton

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is a useless gift or possession called a “white elephant?”

Of course, if the gift were literally a white elephant that would make it pretty useless. To what possible good use could you put a pachyderm, no matter what the color? But we’re not being literal, so why do we use the term “white elephant” to describe what you got from your Uncle Irving–that electric can opener shaped like a washing machine? Well the term does literally come from real white elephants. White elephants were rare even in Siam (the modern Thailand). If you found one the emperor automatically owned it and you couldn’t harm it. When the emperor wanted to punish someone, he gave him or her a white elephant as a “gift.” They were not allowed to ride it or work it, but they still had to take care of it and clean up after it. And you know what elephants do besides eat. So the gift was useless. Hence the expression “white elephant gift.”

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Danny Gokey found out this week that the best plans can go wrong very quickly. He presented his wife with a picture this week and she loved it, at least until Danny pointed out how much thinner she was in the picture then after the birth of their two children. In retrospect, Danny posted: I started out great by giving my wife a gift and then I put my big ole foot in my mouth.

 

Francesca Battistelli has something in common with Kari Jobe and Jodi of Love and the outcome; she is also pregnant. Francesca tweeted this week: there must be something in the water. Goodwin Baby #3 due in March.

 

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer was at a Ted Cruz Presidential rally this week. He tweeted: Hot in here. Must be trying to let us know what socialism will feel like.

 

Building 429 member Aaron Branch says his wife Tara is struggling with having a daughter who is going into middle school. She recently told Aaron: I hope you are prepared to have a daughter in middle school this year because I’m not! We need to have all the boys afraid of you!

 

Jenny Simmons says she will be seeing a lot of Texas this fall. She shared her itinerary online this week and it goes something like this: Missouri. Texas. Seattle. Texas. Florida. Texas. Las Vegas. Texas. However, Jenny doesn’t seem to mind. She went on to say: I couldn’t be more happy to back in my home state so many times.

 

Kutless member James Mead is going off grid. He tweeted this week: I’m in Alaska, and I’ll be here for the next ten days in a remote location for a family vacation. I won’t be tweeting.

 

Building 429’s Jesse Garcia travels a lot but this week he was having and even harder time than normal dealing with the TSA inspectors. Following the inspection Jesse tweeted: I feel like Andy Dufrain from Shawshank Redemption, at the end of tunnel escape scene, after today’s TSA fiasco.

 

Sara Groves was cheering on her son this week. She has been spending every spare minute on her new album so, when Toby expressed a desire for calzones for dinner, Sara says she had to turn him down. However, Toby didn’t sulk. Instead he got out the ingredients himself and created his own calzone for he and the rest of the family to enjoy together that evening.

 

Comedian Bob Smiley is passing along a suggestion from one of his fans. The fan suggested that Bob Smiley go on tour with Big Daddy Weave and they call it the Bob and Weave tour. Bob Smiley responded: “Brilliant!”

 

Moriah Peters is out with a list of five summer beauty tips from her team. They include:

  1. SPF – all day every day
  2. LIPS – Velvet Teddy by MAC
  3. PITS – Keep the B.O. away with burts bees sage deodorant spray
  4. HURR – anti humidity spray for those sweaty days?
  5. WHITE – my favorite color and it reflects the sun rays

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Disgruntled man can’t pay parking fine with rolls of pennies
CHAMBERSBURG, Pa. (AP) — A Pennsylvania borough is putting the brakes on a disgruntled handyman’s attempt at paying his $25 parking fine with 50 rolls of pennies. Chambersburg officials told Justin Greene his passive-aggressive payment of 2,500 pennies wasn’t allowed under a federal rule…

 

Police officers rescue groundhog with head stuck in tin can
BETHLEHEM, Pa. (AP) — One lucky groundhog might live to see another Groundhog Day thanks to authorities in eastern Pennsylvania. The creature roaming Lehigh University wasn’t able to see its own shadow — or much of anything — because its head was stuck in a tin can. Campus police…
Teen finds gold bar while swimming in German Alpine lake    photo
BERLIN (AP) — A teenager has made an unexpected find while swimming in a lake in the German Alps: a 500-gram (17.6-ounce) bar of gold. Police said Wednesday that they are still trying to figure out where the bar comes from and how it got into the Koenigssee lake, a popular tourist destination…
Odd suckers: Octopus species that’s weirdly social, romantic    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The octopus already is an oddball of the ocean. Now biologists have rediscovered a species of that eight-arm sea creature that’s even stranger and shares some of our social and mating habits. With their shifting shapes, mesmerizing eyes, and uncanny intelligence, octopuses…
Cat video festival draws 13,000 to St. Paul baseball stadium
ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — St. Paul’s mayor threw out a ceremonial ball of yarn to mark the opening of an annual festival for cat videos that drew thousands of feline fanatics to a city stadium. Mayor Chris Coleman said 13,000 people were at CHS Field on Wednesday night for the fourth Internet…
Feds: Blood lab bribed doctor with Justin Bieber tickets
NEWARK, N.J. (AP) — Federal prosecutors have charged a New York doctor with accepting cash bribes and tickets to Justin Bieber and Katy Perry concerts from a New Jersey blood lab. Fifty-year-old Bret Ostrager was indicted in federal court Tuesday on charges of violating anti-kickback laws and…
Neighbors sue to stop Seattle family’s bird feeding
SEATTLE (AP) — A couple in Seattle whose 8-year-old daughter feeds crows and pigeons is being sued by neighbors who say the birds have damaged their property. HASH(0x1400830) Anna Johnsen, the attorney representing two neighbors who are suing the Manns, says the residential neighborhood is…
Iowa officer: ‘Happily obliged’ suspect’s selfie request
IOWA CITY, Iowa (AP) — An Iowa City police officer has said he “happily obliged” a motorist who asked to take a selfie with him after the man acknowledged that he’d smoked marijuana before driving. Twenty-year-old Gilbert Phelps of Iowa City was arrested last week after being pulled over for…
Woman takes limo to shoplift in Minnesota mall
ROCHESTER, Minn. (AP) — Police say a 22-year-old woman accused of shoplifting arrived in style at a mall in southeastern Minnesota. Authorities say a limousine driver who took the woman to the Apache Mall in Rochester on Monday helped police to find her. HASH(0x140fda0) As police searched the…
Macedonia: Mother’s love behind abduction of baby baboon
SKOPJE, Macedonia (AP) — The mystery of a baby baboon abducted from Skopje’s zoo had a bittersweet resolution: A mother says she stole it as a gift for her deaf son. The 26-year-old woman told Dnevnik newspaper took that she lifted Luka, an 18-month-old crowd favorite, as a belated birthday…
Wallenda completes his longest tightrope walk in Wisconsin    photo
WEST ALLIS, Wis. (AP) — High-wire daredevil Nik Wallenda has completed his longest tightrope walk ever during an appearance at the Wisconsin State Fair. TV station WTMJ reports Wallenda on Tuesday evening crossed the 1,576-foot wire that was strung more than 10 stories above the Milwaukee…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Hold it! San Francisco uses paint to fight public urination    photo
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Public urination has gotten so bad in San Francisco that the city has painted nine walls with a repellant paint that makes pee spray back on the offender. It’s the latest effort to address a chronic problem in a city where the public works director calls himself Mr….

 

Doctors: Various factors figure into Carter cancer treatment    photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Determining what treatment to pursue for former President Jimmy Carter’s cancer will depend on its type, its origin and factors such as age and health, doctors said. Carter, 90, announced Wednesday that recent liver surgery found cancer that has spread to other parts of his…
Kids with cancer get futuristic chance at saving fertility    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Barely 2 years old, Talia Pisano is getting tough treatment for kidney cancer that spread to her brain. She’s also getting a chance at having babies of her own someday. To battle infertility sometimes caused by cancer treatment, some children’s hospitals are trying a futuristic…
Scientists say fetal tissue essential for medical research    photo
BOSTON (AP) — The furor on Capitol Hill over Planned Parenthood has stoked a debate about the use of tissue from aborted fetuses in medical research, but U.S. scientists have been using such cells for decades to develop vaccines and seek treatments for a host of ailments, from vision loss to…
EPA chief: Colorado mine spill ‘pains me’    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The head of the Environmental Protection Agency said Tuesday her department takes full responsibility for spilling 3 million gallons of mining waste that turned a southwest Colorado river an unnatural shade of orange, adding it “pains me to no end.” Gina McCarthy made the…
Colorado may ban ‘candy’ name on marijuana treats    photo
DENVER (AP) — Edible marijuana products in Colorado may soon come labeled with a red stop sign, according to a draft of new rules released Wednesday by state marijuana regulators. The state may also ban the word “candy” from edible pot products, even if they’re sweets such as suckers or gummy…
Blue Bell begins 1st ice cream shipments after listeria
BRENHAM, Texas (AP) — Blue Bell Creameries has resumed ice cream shipments four months after listeria contamination halted sales and production. The Brenham, Texas-based company on Tuesday used Twitter and Facebook to announce its trucks “are on the road again” and filled with ice cream. The…
Group behind anti-abortion videos is something of a mystery    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — It calls itself the Center for Medical Progress, and its name has been all over the news in the past few weeks after it began releasing hidden-camera videos that set off an uproar over the use of tissue from aborted fetuses in medical research. But a review of the…
First lady’s healthy kids director knows toll of poor diet    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Debra “Deb” Eschmeyer was jobless and near penniless but excited about heading to Ecuador with her husband as Peace Corps volunteers. Then everything changed. Jeff, the high school sweetheart she had recently married, was diagnosed in February 2004 with diabetes, a lifelong…
Some US rowers fall ill at 2016 Olympics test event    photo
RIO DE JANEIRO (AP) — Thirteen rowers on the 40-member U.S. team came down with stomach illness at the World Junior Rowing Championships — a trial run for next summer’s Olympics — and the team doctor said she suspected it was due to pollution in the lake where the competition took…
NYC mayor: Legionnaires’ outbreak has claimed 12 lives    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Two more people in the Bronx have died of Legionnaires’ disease, bringing the total of fatalities to 12 in the largest outbreak of the disease in New York City history, officials said Monday. There are now 113 reported cases of Legionnaires’ in the Bronx, and cooling towers in…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Anonymous”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Robert G. Lee, “Babies”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson learned that, because he ran away to avoid tonsil surgery, that his tonsils got worse and killed him! Other kids also died because they saw Marvy as a hero, and even the entire population of Razzleflabbin Island is now gone because Marvy wasn’t around to keep them from being hit by a giant tidal wave!

 

CLOSE: An entire generation of Snufflesons wiped out because Marvy wouldn’t get his tonsils taken out? What more could possibly go wrong? Tune in next time to find out what happens – as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 15/16, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: So Gruffy’s going on a picnic… I’m thinking Millard’s going to want to go too. So what’s the big deal with that? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

How fast can you run?  One man tried to run 100mph…

A Paw Paw, Michigan man became lost in the Calhoun County countryside – and his car became stuck in the mud of a field driveway.  The man, whose name is unknown and shall be heretofore referred to as the inDUHvidual, tried to push his car out of the mud but realized he couldn’t be in two places at once. So he weighted the accelerator down with a metal tool box and then proceeded to push on the back of his rear-wheel-drive car.  Well, the plan worked, for the car took off and eventually reached a speed exceeding 100 miles per hour across a muddy cut bean field.  And here’s where our inDUHvidual committed a second Moment of Duh… he gave chase.  The car became airborne at a couple of places, so we can only imagine the guy trying to run 100 miles an hour and attain enough speed to take off.  The car eventually came to a stop by running into a tree.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY A MOM

 

  1. You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.

 

  1. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

 

  1. Your child throws up and you catch it.

 

  1. Someone else’s kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

 

  1. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi’s mother.

 

  1. Your child insists that you read “Once Upon a Potty” out loud in the lobby of the doctor’s office, and you do it.

 

  1. You hire a sitter because you haven’t been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

 

  1. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it’s the only one your child eats.

 

  1. You can’t bear the thought of your son’s first girlfriend.

 

  1. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Getting cocky about your success as a burglar will more than likely get you into trouble.

 

FILE #1: Michael LaRock was captured after a year on the run from burglary charges. He had been accused of stealing from a motel room in New York. He was caught because he called police twice to brag that he had committed crimes and couldn’t be caught. He was arrested while he was still on the phone. Apparently he didn’t understand the concept of Caller ID.

 

FILE #2: Practice makes perfect – just be sure you practice in an appropriate location! German police caught a man playing the flute with both hands as he sped through traffic at 80 miles per hour on a busy highway. “He was leaning back in the seat and steering the car with his knees and feet,” said Bohnert Herzl a police spokes- person.  “He looked like he’d had practice.” When caught, the 52-year-old told police he was not actually blowing the instrument.  He was just practicing the “holding technique.”

 

FILE #3: If planning on escaping from police custody, be sure you’re dressed for the occasion. Today’s files of Law & Disorder take us to Florida where Dwight Owens fled the county courthouse where he was being held on charges of assaulting his girlfriend. He was dressed very fashionably for his day in court, in baggy low slung jeans and tennis shoes that were untied. In fact, it was this relaxed outfit that proved to be his undoing. He lost his shoes as he was running down the courthouse steps and the baggy jeans fell off when he tried to leap over some shrubs. The cops caught up with him at a nearby library, barefoot and clad in his gray boxer shorts.

 

STRANGE LAW: Years ago, women in Norfolk, Virginia were required to wear a corset in public. In fact, this was a law that was strictly enforced. The state even created a civil service job for corset inspectors. The position was open to men only.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Michigan troopers didn’t have to go very far to make this drunken driving bust.

…Authorities say the suspect drove onto the lawn of the Michigan State Police post in Paw Paw. Troopers report the driver was visibly drunk and had vomited on himself. According to the troopers, the man picked the wrong spot to stop and rest. Police say he has a history drunken driving arrests and his blood-alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

It’s National Tell a Joke Day… so call in and give us your best!

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to Job, what is hidden from the keen eyes of the birds of prey?
ANSWER: The whereabouts of jewels and precious metal (Job 28:7)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Queen bees will only sting this one particular living thing – what?

ANSWER: Other queen bees.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The only continent without reptiles or snakes is Antarctica. (True)

 

  1. Alaska is so large that it could hold up to 11 of the smaller states in the nation. (False… it could actually hold up to 21 of our smallest states!)

 

  1. Kangaroos cannot walk backwards. (True… and neither can Emus)

 

  1. Coffee beans have been known to sprout after planting in as little three hours. (False… it takes five years)

 

  1. John Wayne used to be on a high-school debate team. (True… and so was Brad Pitt, Dennis Hopper, Mia Farrow, and Richard Nixon. Not on the same team, of course…)

 

  1. One in three dog owners admit they talk to their pet over the phone when away on vacation. (True!)

 

  1. “Q” and “Z” are the only letters in the alphabet that do not appear in the name of any state of the United States. (False… “Z” is in Arizona. The “Q” is not used though)

 

  1. A 60-minute cassette tape holds almost a mile of tape. (False… not even close. A cassette holds about 565 feet of tape, but a mile is 5,280 feet.)

 

  1. The largest comic book collection is at the prestigious Library of Congress in Washington D.C. (True… with more than 5000 titles to choose from)

 

  1. Most elephants die of starvation. (True… an elephant dies of starvation after losing its sixth and last set of teeth.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

INVISIBLE ____________ ATTACK JERSEY SHORE! (SHARKS)

Invisible sharks are terrorizing beachgoers on the Jersey shore.

50 different shark species, or more than 10 percent of all known sharks, are luminous – invisible. This means they can produce and emit light from their bodies.

For some reason, many of these sharks have been prowling the shores of New Jersey.  And they’ve attacked over 276  beachgoers.  Many have lost arms, legs and, a few have lost their heads.

These vicious invisible sharks are completely invisible to the human eye.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A couple had been debating buying a car for weeks.

But he wanted a truck.  She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck.  Everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!”  She said. “My birthday is coming up so surprise me!  I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds.  Nothing else will do.”

So he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

 

JOKE #2

Two brawny men came to Millie’s house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, she asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.  The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.  Millie really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked Millie to move her car, which was blocking their van. Millie told them her fee: $45.

 

JOKE #3

A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors: “Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A study at Harvard University says that young boys who play with action figures that have big muscles and flat, rock-hard abs suffer from low self esteem.  ***MARLAR: So give your son a Barbie doll instead… it’s better for his self-esteem.

 

The Supreme Court ruled that a woman who tripped and fell over letters, packages and magazines left on her front porch can sue the U.S. Postal Service for the wrist and back injuries she suffered. ***MARLAR: So don’t be surprised if the price of stamps suddenly goes up by yet another six cents tomorrow.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

DOMESTIC TROUBLE

Two friends met. “You look sad, Doug, what’s the trouble?” asked the first friend.
“Domestic trouble.”
“But you always bragged that your wife is a pearl.”
“She still is. It’s the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble.’

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THE SHORTEST WEDDING EVER

An Italian bride went through with her wedding ceremony but ran off with the wedding car driver before the reception!

…This is what her husband is saying anyway. The husband, a 34-year-old man identified only as Andrea, said his 30 year old bride Sara, told their 30 wedding guests that she wanted to change clothes after the ceremony but never arrived at the restaurant where the reception was held. The husband said he and wedding guests called the pair on their cell phones when they failed to arrive at the reception and Sara told him she was “sorry” and had “made a mistake.” Andrea quoted Sara as telling him that her “heart belongs to someone else.” Wow!

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

In 1938 a hurricane threatened the New England coast. People feared that the railroad bridge at White River Junction would be destroyed. The danger was averted when some thoughtful person backed a line of loaded freight cars onto the bridge. The bridge withstood the force of the winds because of the weight that it bore. The weight of your responsibilities may rest heavily upon you, but that weight may be the very thing that keeps you from being swept away by the storm of sin.

–By Robert C. Shannon

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HANDYMAN GENIUS

Read: Ephesians 4:11-16

He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, . . . for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry. —Ephesians 4:11-12

My father-in-law Pete is a genius. No, he didn’t develop any scientific theories like Einstein did. His genius is that of a handyman. Just ask him about an ailing furnace or a clogged garbage disposal. He can intuitively diagnose the problem and come up with a solution. When my in-laws visit, it looks like a home repair TV show. I often take notes. In many ways, as I watch Pete, I am equipped to do the repairs on my own.

In the church, there are spiritual leaders whose job it is to equip us for ministry. In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, he wrote about equipping the people for service (Ephesians 4:11-12). The word used here for “equip” is the same one used to describe the disciples’ mending of their nets when Jesus called them into service (Mark 1:16-20). For 3 years, Jesus “mended holes” in their “ministry nets” so they could be effective fishers of men (v.17).

If you don’t know how to get started in finding and participating in a ministry, watch for people who can show you how it’s done. Observe the way they use the Bible, pray, and work with people. Soon you will find that the Lord is using you more effectively in the lives of others. All you need is to be equipped. —Dennis Fisher

 

By God’s design, there lies in wait for you
Important work that no one else can do.
Just as the planets find their paths through space,
You too must grow to fill your proper place. —Thayer

 

Are you following the right leader?

 

 

LEFTOVERS

Imagine your lawn mower cutting grass using only a beam of light!

A German company has developed a two-seat, convertible lawnmower that does away with old-fashioned blades or wires and slices grass by laser. The advantage is that the machine cuts the grass so finely that the pieces can simply stay on the ground as fertilizer. The manufacturers say that the lawnmower is powerful enough to be registered for road use and would cost as much as a fine car — around $30,000!  ***MARLAR: If you have $30,000 to spend on a lawnmower, aren’t you rich enough to just pay someone to mow your lawn for you instead?

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Restless nights of no sleep may not just make you tired – they could also make you look heavier, too!

…Researchers at the University of Chicago say that light sleepers may develop love handles and double chins. (Aha! So THAT’S my problem!) The sleep study was limited to healthy men, and it is not clear whether the findings apply to women. Now the researchers are working to see if new types of sleeping pills or hormone injections can slow signs of aging. ***MARLAR: Thinking about this is enough to keep a guy up a night.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE

The British Army’s elite SAS troops are getting some tough training now… how to stop snoring!
The British Army’s elite SAS troops are going through a new sort of training that will help them to not blow their cover during top-secret operations. Believe it or not, they’re being trained not to snore! The need for such training comes after a team of soldiers was hiding out in the Colombian jungle as part of a move to combat cocaine smugglers when one of the soldiers dozed off and began snoring, blowing their cover. SAS chiefs ordered the snorer to undergo hypnotism to cure him. Now other soldiers in the regiment are being trained not to snore by being ordered to alter their sleeping positions. If that fails army surgeons carry out a small throat operation.  ***MARLAR: British wives are now encouraging their husbands to enlist in the SAS.

 

 

FUN LIST

TALK-BACK RADIO

It’s a given that when you’re listening to the radio, I’m talking to you.  But I also know quite a few people (including myself) that talk back at the radio… usually in anger and frustration at something (ahem) stupid that we radio people say.  Here’s a few examples of what I’m talking about…

  • The guy on the radio says, “MORE MUSIC LESS TALK”.  I yell at the radio, “So shut up and play some music!”
  • The guy on the radio says, “WE PLAY THE GREATEST HITS OF THE 70’s, 80’s and 60’s.”  I yell at the radio, “That’s like saying “Ready… Fire… Aim!”
  • The guy on the radio says, “WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THREE IN A ROW.”  I yell at the radio, “That would mean that you have stopped halfway through the second song.”
  • The guy on the radio says, “WE PLAY WHATEVER TUNES WE WANT!”  I yell at the radio, “Then why do you keep picking the bad ones?”

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

OLD WIVES’ TALES…

  • A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s — False. A canine mouth contains 53 types of bacteria while a human mouth breeds only 37. So think twice before giving Spot a kiss on the mouth.
  • Reading in dim light will ruin your eyes — False. According to the American Academy of Ophthalmology, you can’t wear out your eyes by using them in poor light.
  • Toads give you warts — False. The skin glands of a toad secrete a substance that can give you hallucinations, but neither the slimy toxic gunk nor the toads cause warts.
  • Crack your knuckles and you’ll get arthritis — False. While certain repetitive actions can lead to arthritis, knuckle cracking isn’t one of them.
  • If you cross your eyes, they’ll stay that way — False. Stabismus, the disorder that causes misaligned eyes, only affects 4 percent of American children. Crossing the eyes does not cause the disease.
  • Arthritis flares up in wet weather — False. People swim and shower without flare-ups and most people stay inside when it rains.
  • Spicy foods create stomach ulcers — False. A bacterial infection or overuse of pain medications are the culprits.
  • Walking under a ladder is bad luck — True. While a stroll under a ladder won’t endanger your soul, it poses potential dangers from falling buckets and tools.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away — True. Apples are packed with antioxidants that fight the free radicals that cause cancer and other diseases.
  • Chocolate causes acne — False. You can eat as much chocolate as you want and not worry about breakouts, which flare up when the pores of the skin become blocked with oil.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A massive gate unearthed in Israel may have marked the entrance to a biblical city that, at its heyday, was the biggest metropolis in the region. The town, called Gath, was occupied until the ninth century B.C. The Old Testament also describes Gath as the home of Goliath. The new findings reveal just how impressive the ancient Philistine city once was. Though archaeologists have been excavating at the site since 1899, it wasn’t until the past few decades that they realized how massive the Iron Age remains really were. http://ow.ly/QzcTd

 

It sounds like fans of Netflix show Fuller House, the Full House re-boot, won’t be disappointed. Candace Cameron Bure, who plays D.J. Tanner, was part of the tapeings of the first 2 shows and said the studio audience went crazy for both shows. The show picks up the life of DJ as a single mom. The show will also welcome back Jodie Sweeten as Stephanie Tanner and Andrea Barber as Kimmy Kibler. John Stammos and Bob Saget, playing their roles as Jesse and Danny Taner, are also expected to make some appearances.  http://ow.ly/QQXVz

 

The clock is ticking down to the first day of school. But, don’t panic or let stress fill your remaining summer days and weeks. iMom is offering a countdown to back to school checklist that will keep the details in order so you can enjoy your kids and what’s left of the summer.  http://bit.ly/1Md2GEw

 

 

“UP” RULES FROM GOD


WAKE UP: Decide to have a good day.
“Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” –Psalms 118:24

DRESS UP: The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart.” –I Samuel 16:7

HUSH UP: Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking. “He who guards his lips guards his soul.” –Proverbs 13:3

STAND UP: …For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything. “Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good…” –Galatians 6:9-10

LOOK UP: …To the Lord. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. –Philippians 4:13

REACH UP: …For something higher. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” –Proverbs 3:5-6

LIFT UP: …Your Prayers. “Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING.” –Philippians 4:6

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well. –H.T. Leslie

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Cool Ideas for a Warmer Workplace

We lived in Dallas, Texas, in the late 1980s. Moving from Sacramento, California, we were used to hot weather. But northern California summers have that famed “dry heat.” Dallas summers have that “unbearable who-chooses-to-live-here” kind of heat. By year three, we adjusted. Almost…adjusted.

 

It was interesting to see men in suits and sport coats with ties on hot summer days. And on Sundays, we noticed the women wearing sweaters to church! The Dallas mindset was simple: you live in air conditioned homes, travel in air conditioned cars, and work in air conditioned offices. Thus, churches were also very cool places to be!

This past week, I discovered that office temperature is a long standing issue for women. Two male scientists have published a study in the journal Nature Climate Change. They’ve determined that office temperatures are set based on a decades-old formula calculating the metabolic rates of men. (See the complete story here: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/04/science/chilly-at-work-a-decades-old-formula-may-be-to-blame.html?emc=edit_th_20150804&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=68618012)

From this scientific report, we learn that most building thermostats are set using a thermal comfort model from the 1960s. That model used air temperature, air speed, vapor pressure, and clothing insulation to arrive at the recommended setting. Who knew that still today we have been impacted by “Fanger’s thermal comfort equation”? Well, most women can tell you…it’s too cold in most offices.

Changing times have brought more women into the workplace. In fact, women now comprise about half the staffing of many companies. And their metabolism is slower than a man’s.

Bottom line…changes in office temperature pre-sets are being recommended. Read the article if you want more details. And especially if you’d like to see that Fanger equation mapped out! I was overheating just looking at it!

I have another idea. Call it, “Mark’s Five Ways to Warm Up the Workplace.” It has nothing to do with thermostats. Or any equation from Fanger.

My five will not actually change the temperature in the office, but your team will find YOU a much warmer leader. Your “Good Boss Score” will go up. Perhaps your retention rate as well.

My five ways are:

  • Give compliments. Employees almost always feel shortchanged on hearing about the good work they are doing. Think back on the One Minute Manager. He uses “one minute praisings” when catching people doing something right. Good idea!
  • Ask questions of interest. To help remove the stigma of “all he/she cares about is us making more money,” use casual conversation to find out basic lifestyle points of interest in the lives of your team members. Keep notes on this information for reference later. Bring an item up in a meeting!
  • Unexpected treats. Having a company brunch, lunch, or individualized treats dropped off in the afternoon during busy seasons or difficult pressure times are sure day brighteners. Especially if the boss is the one delivering the goods.
  • Thank you notes. As the hard hearted boss might ask, “Why do I need to give my employees a thank you note? I believe that’s called a paycheck!” A good boss doesn’t need my answer, but here it is anyway: Thank you notes increase loyalty and turn up job performance because people feel appreciated! Many people hold on to them for years. If you need ideas in writing them, think about what you would like written in such a note written to YOU.
  • Half day party. Why wait for the Christmas season? Plan a half day cookout asking your team to relax and share stories about how THEIR company has helped people. Invite discussion of some challenges. Give lots of pats on the back. Put a little fun back into life for these folks.

Keep in mind this is only a starter list. No doubt a creative session would yield many more good ideas.

The Bible does not have such a list. But one of the distinctives of the Christian faith was how workers were instructed to perform faithfully even in difficult circumstances. Likewise, bosses were told to treat their workers well—unlike the mistreatment that was common in that day.

In Colossians 4:1, we read, “And masters, treat your servants considerately. Be fair with them. Don’t forget for a minute that you, too, serve a Master—God in heaven.” (MSG)

Wise leader, perhaps you may want to check how employees feel about office temperature. Women in parkas in August is generally not a good sign.

That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

AUGUST 14, 2014…

 

The Man From U.N.C.L.E.—Yet another earlier TV action series (reference: “Mission Impossible”) is now brought to the screen. This time, it has to compete with five successful “Mission Impossible” films. Remember the suave Robert Vaughn as Napoleons Solo and David McCallum as his Russian sidekick, Illya Kuryakin. They go against the bad guys who have kidnapped the father of a scientist (Alicia Vikander.) This is in the Sixties with the Berlin Wall.  Solo now played by Henry Cavill and Kuryakin by Armie Hammer. Also in the cast is Hugh Grant. Vaughn and McCallum were top stars in their day with McCallum now back on top in “NCIS” as a navy doctor.  Guy Ritchie directs. “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Straight Outta Compton—In the 1980’s (and this week at the movies seems to go back in time,) there was the beginning of Hip Hop, especially associated with the group N.W.A. which had Dr. Dre and Ice Cube as members.  They don’t play themselves, but Ice Cube’s son (O’Shea Jackson Jr.) portrays him as a youth and Corey Hawkins is Dr. Dre. The story of the groups rise in music is told against street rioting of that time. Profanity here and beware of the R rating.

 

Underdogs—This animated film is about two rivals from childhood. Voices of Matthew Morrison from “Glee” and Nicholas Hoult who meet as adults and start the rivalry all over again. One is a soccer player and the other wants to demolish the field for real estate purposes. Other voices include Kate Hudson,  Ariana Grande and John Luguizamo. “Underdogs” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for animation fans.

 

Shaun The Sheep Movie–Claymation as an animation art form, has its fans, and this film goes with the best of them like “Wallace & Gromit.”  In this story, done by Claymation Studio Aardman, a herd of sheep must pull themselves together and go to the Big City to find their owner, a farmer, who can’t remember anything.  This involves humor such as the sheep going to a restaurant and then to an animal shelter. There are no voices here, rather sounds. This film is based on a British teleivision show. “Shaun The Sheep Movie” is rated PG. and rated 3 for fans and you know who you are.

 

Ten Thousand Saints—This coming of age film set in the 1980’s, stars Hailee Steinfeld, Asa Butterfield, Emile Hirsch and Emily Mortimer, who hang out together as teens. When Emily discovers she is pregnant and the father has died, the group decides to raise the baby by themselves. Study of drug use and yippies. “Ten Thousand Saints“ is rated R. No rating.,  Book by Eleanor Henderson.

 

AUGUST 21, 2014…

 

Digging for Fire has a young, married couple finding a weapon and bones and over a weekend trying to figure out what is going on. Stars Jake Johnson and Anna Hendrick.

 

Sinister 2 carries on the theme of the first film in which people are haunted by spirits.

Stars Shannon Sossamon.

 

Sleeping With Other People stars Jason Sudiekis as a guy who regularly cheats and tries to reform.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.