August 16, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170816
PDF: 20170816

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Warning! Portions of the following program may try to sell you something. And, believe me, those are the most important portions of the following program.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. –1 Corinthians 10:13

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. — Romans 5:3-4

If we live, we live to the Lord: and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. — Romans 14:8

He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. — Psalm 23:2-3

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. — John 15:13

Thought: Words communicate and explain. We can tell someone we love them. We can explain how precious they are to us. Actions validate and confirm. When we sacrifice our preferences for another, we show our respect and affection. When we sacrifice ourselves, our wishes, and our preferences for a friend we give the greatest of all gifts and prove our love beyond any doubt.

Prayer: Father, thank you for loving me enough to send Jesus as a ransom for my sins. Jesus, thank you for your loving sacrifice that not only saves me, but shows me the full extent of your love. In Jesus’ name I thank you. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 8:16 NIV = The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – AUGUST 16, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
130 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is STAY HOME WITH YOUR KIDS DAY, a day to support and encourage stay-at-home parents.  ***And if you’re already at work, just go up to your boss and tell him or her that (JOCK) said you’re supposed to stay at home today with your kids.  I’m sure your boss will understand.

Today is NATIONAL TELL A JOKE DAY. ***And if you happen to be a stay-at-home parent, you probably get enough jokes as it is. How many times can you hear “Knock, knock – who’s there – banana” before going a little bananas yourself?

Today is REMEMBER WHAT YOUR SPOUSE WORE THE FIRST TIME YOU MET DAY.  ***Ooh… if anything was designed to get husbands in trouble, it’s this day!  Personally, I do remember what my wife was wearing that first day we met… a red and white polka-dot dress.  At least, I think it was red and white… maybe it was stripes.  Then again, come to think of it, she was wearing blue jeans and an orange t-shirt.  Crud… I’m in big trouble.

Today is NATIONAL TRUE LOVE FOREVER DAY.  ***Only a woman’s true love could get past her husband not remembering the special things… like what she was wearing the first day you met.

This is NATIONAL FRIENDSHIP WEEK.  (August 15-21)  And the type of friends you prefer reveals a lot about your personality, says psychologist Dr. Elayne Kahn, co-author of “1001 Ways You Reveal Your Personality.”

  • Just one close friend — You need someone to confide in and trust. You don’t trust people very easily, but once you do you’re very loyal. You take friendship very seriously and never take your friends for granted.

  • Friends of your own sex only — You enjoy tradition and believe boys should be boys and girls should be girls. You’re more comfortable when people are in more traditional roles. You enjoy friends who have something in common with you.

  • Friends of the opposite sex only — You enjoy being the center of attention, but don’t like competing for it. Intimacy is very important to you, and you’re capable of deep relationships.

  • Friends you just party with — You love to socialize, but don’t like people getting too close. You’re very independent and want to stay that way – and you especially don’t like to become dependent on one person.

  • Friends from the workplace — You love achieving, working hard, making money and always moving ahead. All things in your life – including friendships – are geared toward making your career as successful as possible.

  • Different friends for different occasions — If, for example, you go dancing with one group of friends and play touch football with another, you’re well-organized, but don’t like to become too involved with people. You’re a busy, active person.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Joe Miller’s Joke Day
National Airborne Day
National Medical Dosimetrist Day
National Rollercoaster Day Day
Wave at
Surveillance Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 17

Black Cat Appreciation Day
I Love My Feet Day
Meaning of “Is” Day
National Nonprofit Day
National Thrift Shop Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18

Bad Poetry Day
Birth Control Pills Day
Mail Order Catalog Day
Men’s Grooming Day
National Badge Ribbon Day
National Fajita Day
Serendipity Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 19

Aviation Day
“Black Cow” Root Beer Float Day
Coco Chanel Day
International Orangutan Day
National Honey Bee Day
World Humanitarian Day
World Photo Day
International Geocaching Day
International Homeless Animals Day
World Honey Bee Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20

Chef Appreciation Day
National Radio Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 21

Brazilian Blow-out Day
Cupcake Day
National Spumoni Day
Poet’s Day
Senior Citizen’s Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 22

Be An Angel Day
National Bao Day
Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
Take Your Cat To The Vet Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23

Day For The Remembrance of The Slave Trade & Its Abolition
Valentino Day

ON THIS DAY

1942: Contemporary Christian songwriter Don Wyrtzen was born. He has written “Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow” and “Worthy is the Lamb.”

1954: The first issue of Sports Illustrated was published.

1977: Elvis Presley, The King of Rock ‘n Roll, was pronounced dead at Memphis Baptist Hospital at 3:30 in the afternoon. He was 42 years old.

1978: James Earl Ray, convicted assassin of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., told a Capitol Hill hearing he did not commit the crime, claiming he’d been set up by a mysterious man named “Raoul.”

1980: Barbara Nissman of Denver became the first tractor assembly line concert pianist when the John Deere Company hired her to present recitals for workers at their factories.

1983: Singer Paul Simon and actress Carrie Fisher were married. They divorced in 1985.

1984: Janet Harris set a world record in Selsey, England, by eating 7,175 green peas in an hour—one at a time, using chopsticks.

1985: Madonna married Sean Penn in Malibu. She wore a leather teddy; he wore boxing gloves. They divorced in 1989.

1992: Tree surgeons Bill Droneburg and Melody Cline of Walla Walla, Washington, were married 20 feet off the ground in a maple tree.

1998: A team of monster-hunters reported it had failed to find any trace of a mysterious creature thought to have inhabited Sweden’s Great Lake for 360 years. The fleet of 15 boats with researchers and divers equipped with underwater video cameras and echo equipment found no signs of the monster reportedly sighted on 150 occasions by 450 people since 1635.

1999: Former town manager Leon Wurl became part of the new Main Street in Erie, Colorado, when his wife poured some of his ashes into the hot asphalt. Wurl had led the push to re-pave 14 of Erie’s streets before his death a year earlier.

2001: A Boston man convicted of kidnapping and raping a woman at gunpoint in 1995 didn’t think his eight to 10-year sentence was fair. So he asked for a retrial. Alton Clark’s plan backfired in 2001 when he was found guilty at the retrial and sentenced to 12 years in prison.

2002: Scientists at the University of Glasgow in Scotland published research validating the so-called “beer goggles” effect. In their study of 120 male and female students, those who had drunk a moderate amount of alcohol found the faces of the opposite sex 25% more attractive than their sober counterparts.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1773: Pope Clement XIV dissolves the Jesuit Order, fearing its growing power. Pius VIII restored the order 41 years later.

1863: Abraham Lincoln signs the Emancipation Proclamation.

1875: American evangelist Charles Grandison Finney, the leading revivalist of the nineteenth century, dies.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actor (Beautiful Girls, Ordinary People, “Leverage”) Timothy Hutton, 57

  • Actress (“ER’s” Dr. Kerry Weaver) Laura Innes, 58 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Waiting to Exhale, Contact, How Stella Got Her Groove Back) Angela Bassett, 59

  • Producer/director (Aliens, True Lies, Titanic, Avatar) James Cameron, 63

  • TV’s Kathie Lee Gifford 64

  • Actor (dad Carl on “Family Matters”, Die Hard) Reginald VelJohnson, 65 (audio clip)

  • actress (Tina on “Will & Grace”, Sophie Bremmer on “Desperate Houswives”) Leslie Ann Warren 71 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Chief Brody’s wife in the Jaws movies) Lorraine Gary, 80

  • Actress (Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Catwoman on the “Batman” TV show) Julie Newmar, 84 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1915 : Al Hibbler

1922 : Ernie Freeman

1924 : Fess Parker

1931 : Eydie Gorme

1938 : Ketty Lester

1942 : Barbara George

1945 : Kevin Ayers (Soft Machine)

1945 : Gary Loizzo (The American Breed)

1946 : Gordon Fleet (The Easybeats)

1948 : Barry Hay (Golden Earring)

1949 : Scott Asheton (The Stooges)

1953 : James “J.T.” Taylor (Kool and the Gang)

1957 : Tim Farriss (INXS)

1958 : Madonna; Born Madonna Louise Ciccone

1960 : Chris Pedersen (Camper Van Beethoven)

1972 : Emily Erwin (The Dixie Chicks)

1980 : Vanessa Carlton

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why is a useless gift or possession called a “white elephant?”

Of course, if the gift were literally a white elephant that would make it pretty useless. To what possible good use could you put a pachyderm, no matter what the color? But we’re not being literal, so why do we use the term “white elephant” to describe what you got from your Uncle Irving–that electric can opener shaped like a washing machine? Well the term does literally come from real white elephants. White elephants were rare even in Siam (the modern Thailand). If you found one the emperor automatically owned it and you couldn’t harm it. When the emperor wanted to punish someone, he gave him or her a white elephant as a “gift.” They were not allowed to ride it or work it, but they still had to take care of it and clean up after it. And you know what elephants do besides eat. So the gift was useless. Hence the expression “white elephant gift.”

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

Wal-Mart has apologized for a gun display urging customers to “Own the school year like a hero.” The display drew such a negative response that the company spent a full day repeatedly apologizing to outraged tweeters.  ***While I agree the display was inappropriate, we don’t need to make it the norm to apologize to outraged tweeters.  If we did that, the country would get nothing done and eventually crumble 140-characters at a time.

In Texas a guy with a gun went into a convenience store and demanded money. He was given money. He told the clerk to open the safe. The clerk said he couldn’t open the safe. So he demanded two lottery tickets and some smokes. The clerk gave the man a pack of smokes and a roll of lottery tickets but the robber took just two. Police caught up with him a short time later.  ***By only taking two lottery tickets, I’ll bet he didn’t win enough money to post bail.

Cynthia Nixon of “Sex & the City” fame is reportedly thinking of running for governor of New York.  ***Although, if she plans to jump into politics, I’d suggest changing her name to something other than Nixon.

Darrell Hamilton Jr. decided to propose to his girlfriend, Rheanna Lopez, on a recent plane ride over Fresno, California, where the fruit trees had start blossoming. Hamilton is seen on video showing Lopez the ring and asking: “Will you marry me?” But seconds later, he succumbs to motion sickness from the flight and throws up on the floor of the plane.  ***Yeah – that kind of cheesy romantic stuff makes me sick too.

Halloween is still more than two months away, but that didn’t deter three people from putting on costumes to shoplift at a Pennsylvania Walmart. One was dressed as a bull, one as a werewolf, and a third as a gorilla. They stole more than $560 in merchandise but were caught.  ***They tried to blame it on the BULL market, calling it GORILLA marketing, but police weren’t LYCAN that explanation.

Police in Crestview, Florida have arrested 32-yera-old Mathew Horace Jones who allegedly caused more than $100,000 in damage to a liquor store under construction at the Crestview Wal-mart and to construction equipment. He reportedly used a forklift to damage the building under construction after breaking into the fenced-in construction site. The building under construction was completely destroyed along with a city fire hydrant and water meter. When police arrived Jones aimed the forklift toward officers who stopped him at gunpoint. Jones then told the officers his name was Alice Wonderland and that he was told to commit the offenses by a hookah-smoking caterpillar. He also told detectives that he had a problem with Walmart building a place to sell alcohol. ***Well, it may not be alcohol – but this guy was definitely on something.

A California man allegedly broke into a woman’s home and fell asleep on her couch — naked.  ***It doesn’t say here, but I’m going to take a guess and say that alcohol was involved.

The singer The Weeknd is reportedly considering changing his name.  ***Maybe this time he can choose a name he knows how to spell.

A study (National University of Singapore) says yellow taxicabs have significantly fewer accidents than cabs of a darker color because the yellow cabs are more visible.  ***This study brought to you by the Center For Studying The Obvious.

A Russian spy plane was spotted recently over New Jersey. ***So we know they didn’t see anything of consequence.

A secret elite section of Tinder has been running for at least six months. If this is the first you’ve heard of it, you’re not one of the elite. Tinder Select is by invite only and is aimed at “CEOs, super models, and other hyper-attractive/upwardly affluent types”.  ***In other words, all of the uppity conceited people you would be miserable dating anyway.

“Scandal” and “Grey’s Anatomy” creator Shonda Rhimes has signed a deal with Netflix to produce some shows for them.  ***First up, “Anatomy of a Scandal.”

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

A company in Denver has launched a wine specifically formulated for cats. Their cat wine is made with all-natural organically grown catnip and fresh beets but no alcohol.  ***So if you want to see your cat drunk, you’ll still have to deplete your six-pack.

A report says Americans commuting to work lose over 3 billion hours sitting in traffic delays every year. ***What a waste… those are hours that could have been spent at work surfing Craigslist.

With smartphones in hand, we’re having a hard time dropping our workload when 5 PM rolls around. Even after an 8-hour day, many employees report checking emails and taking work-related calls after hours. Having constant access to our mobile communication streams tacks on an extra two hours of work a day.  ***If that’s the case, then shouldn’t we be allowed a three-hour lunch?

Performance-boosting drugs, powered prostheses and wearable computers are coming to an office near you – but experts warned in a new report that too little thought has been given to the implications of a superhuman workplace.  ***For example, if you’re going to be a superhuman office worker, how can you change into your super suit if we don’t have telephone booths anymore?

Bad posture can make you neck creak and your shoulders ache, but recent research shows that your slouch might be making you a grouch. In a recent study from San Francisco State University, slouchers reported increased feelings of depression and lower energy.  ***That’s odd, as I typically slouch BECAUSE I’m depressed and tired.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk had been making defective badminton racquets for his friends so they’d have to keep buying new ones, but now he’s learned that Gruffy is planning on giving Racquet’s niece a present… a new badminton racquet, made by Racquet! So now he’s working feverishly to make a new badminton racquet that is NOT defective so his niece can play in the badminton tournament…

CLOSE: Oh boy – looks like Racquet’s underhandedness is now going to affect not only Sully, Nozzles and Gruffy, but now it will also affect his niece, Rita – and the cute boy skunk, Stinky! And that stinks. None of this would’ve been a problem if he’d just treated his friends right to begin with! Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

How fast can you run?  One man tried to run 100mph…

A Paw Paw, Michigan man became lost in the Calhoun County countryside – and his car became stuck in the mud of a field driveway.  The man, whose name is unknown and shall be heretofore referred to as the inDUHvidual, tried to push his car out of the mud but realized he couldn’t be in two places at once. So he weighted the accelerator down with a metal tool box and then proceeded to push on the back of his rear-wheel-drive car.  Well, the plan worked, for the car took off and eventually reached a speed exceeding 100 miles per hour across a muddy cut bean field.  And here’s where our inDUHvidual committed a second Moment of Duh… he gave chase.  The car became airborne at a couple of places, so we can only imagine the guy trying to run 100 miles an hour and attain enough speed to take off.  The car eventually came to a stop by running into a tree.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY A MOM

10. You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.

9. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

8. Your child throws up and you catch it.

7. Someone else’s kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

6. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi’s mother.

5. Your child insists that you read “Once Upon a Potty” out loud in the lobby of the doctor’s office, and you do it.

4. You hire a sitter because you haven’t been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

3. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it’s the only one your child eats.

2. You can’t bear the thought of your son’s first girlfriend.

1. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Getting cocky about your success as a burglar will more than likely get you into trouble.

FILE #1: Michael LaRock was captured after a year on the run from burglary charges. He had been accused of stealing from a motel room in New York. He was caught because he called police twice to brag that he had committed crimes and couldn’t be caught. He was arrested while he was still on the phone. Apparently he didn’t understand the concept of Caller ID.

FILE #2: Practice makes perfect – just be sure you practice in an appropriate location! German police caught a man playing the flute with both hands as he sped through traffic at 80 miles per hour on a busy highway. “He was leaning back in the seat and steering the car with his knees and feet,” said Bohnert Herzl a police spokes- person.  “He looked like he’d had practice.” When caught, the 52-year-old told police he was not actually blowing the instrument.  He was just practicing the “holding technique.”

FILE #3: If planning on escaping from police custody, be sure you’re dressed for the occasion. Today’s files of Law & Disorder take us to Florida where Dwight Owens fled the county courthouse where he was being held on charges of assaulting his girlfriend. He was dressed very fashionably for his day in court, in baggy low slung jeans and tennis shoes that were untied. In fact, it was this relaxed outfit that proved to be his undoing. He lost his shoes as he was running down the courthouse steps and the baggy jeans fell off when he tried to leap over some shrubs. The cops caught up with him at a nearby library, barefoot and clad in his gray boxer shorts.

STRANGE LAW: Years ago, women in Norfolk, Virginia were required to wear a corset in public. In fact, this was a law that was strictly enforced. The state even created a civil service job for corset inspectors. The position was open to men only.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Michigan troopers didn’t have to go very far to make this drunken driving bust.

Authorities say the suspect drove onto the lawn of the Michigan State Police post in Paw Paw. Troopers report the driver was visibly drunk and had vomited on himself. According to the troopers, the man picked the wrong spot to stop and rest. Police say he has a history drunken driving arrests and his blood-alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit.

PHONER PHUN

It’s National Tell a Joke Day… so call in and give us your best!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to Job, what is hidden from the keen eyes of the birds of prey?
ANSWER: The whereabouts of jewels and precious metal (Job 28:7)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is the most dangerous event of the Summer Olympics?

ANSWER: The most dangerous event in the Olympics is the Equestrian events. Horses weigh an average of one thousand pounds and often fall on the rider crushing them. There were 12 riders who were killed during equestrian events between 2007 and 2008. In 2014 the IOC finally allowed inflatable vests to be worn by the Jockey. The vest is supposed to inflate in the event of a fall or crash, much like an airbag in a car.

QUESTION: Queen bees will only sting this one particular living thing – what?

ANSWER: Other queen bees.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The only continent without reptiles or snakes is Antarctica. (True)

2. Alaska is so large that it could hold up to 11 of the smaller states in the nation. (False… it could actually hold up to 21 of our smallest states!)

3. Kangaroos cannot walk backwards. (True… and neither can Emus)

4. Coffee beans have been known to sprout after planting in as little three hours. (False… it takes five years)

5. John Wayne used to be on a high-school debate team. (True… and so was Brad Pitt, Dennis Hopper, Mia Farrow, and Richard Nixon. Not on the same team, of course…)

6. One in three dog owners admit they talk to their pet over the phone when away on vacation. (True!)

7. “Q” and “Z” are the only letters in the alphabet that do not appear in the name of any state of the United States. (False… “Z” is in Arizona. The “Q” is not used though)

8. A 60-minute cassette tape holds almost a mile of tape. (False… not even close. A cassette holds about 565 feet of tape, but a mile is 5,280 feet.)

9. The largest comic book collection is at the prestigious Library of Congress in Washington D.C. (True… with more than 5000 titles to choose from)

10. Most elephants die of starvation. (True… an elephant dies of starvation after losing its sixth and last set of teeth.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

INVISIBLE ____________ ATTACK JERSEY SHORE! (SHARKS)

Invisible sharks are terrorizing beachgoers on the Jersey shore.

50 different shark species, or more than 10 percent of all known sharks, are luminous – invisible. This means they can produce and emit light from their bodies.

For some reason, many of these sharks have been prowling the shores of New Jersey.  And they’ve attacked over 276  beachgoers.  Many have lost arms, legs and, a few have lost their heads.

These vicious invisible sharks are completely invisible to the human eye.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A couple had been debating buying a car for weeks.

But he wanted a truck.  She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck.  Everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!”  She said. “My birthday is coming up so surprise me!  I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds.  Nothing else will do.”

So he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

JOKE #2

Two brawny men came to Millie’s house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, she asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.  The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.  Millie really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked Millie to move her car, which was blocking their van. Millie told them her fee: $45.

JOKE #3

A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors: “Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did.”

USELESS FACTS

A study at Harvard University says that young boys who play with action figures that have big muscles and flat, rock-hard abs suffer from low self esteem.  ***So give your son a Barbie doll instead… it’s better for his self-esteem.

The Supreme Court ruled that a woman who tripped and fell over letters, packages and magazines left on her front porch can sue the U.S. Postal Service for the wrist and back injuries she suffered. ***So don’t be surprised if the price of stamps suddenly goes up by yet another six cents tomorrow.

FEATURED FUNNIES

DOMESTIC TROUBLE

Two friends met. “You look sad, Doug, what’s the trouble?” asked the first friend.
“Domestic trouble.”
“But you always bragged that your wife is a pearl.”
“She still is. It’s the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble.’

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THE SHORTEST WEDDING EVER

An Italian bride went through with her wedding ceremony but ran off with the wedding car driver before the reception!

…This is what her husband is saying anyway. The husband, a 34-year-old man identified only as Andrea, said his 30 year old bride Sara, told their 30 wedding guests that she wanted to change clothes after the ceremony but never arrived at the restaurant where the reception was held. The husband said he and wedding guests called the pair on their cell phones when they failed to arrive at the reception and Sara told him she was “sorry” and had “made a mistake.” Andrea quoted Sara as telling him that her “heart belongs to someone else.” Wow!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

In 1938 a hurricane threatened the New England coast. People feared that the railroad bridge at White River Junction would be destroyed. The danger was averted when some thoughtful person backed a line of loaded freight cars onto the bridge. The bridge withstood the force of the winds because of the weight that it bore. The weight of your responsibilities may rest heavily upon you, but that weight may be the very thing that keeps you from being swept away by the storm of sin.

–By Robert C. Shannon

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HANDYMAN GENIUS

Read: Ephesians 4:11-16

He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, . . . for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry. —Ephesians 4:11-12

My father-in-law Pete is a genius. No, he didn’t develop any scientific theories like Einstein did. His genius is that of a handyman. Just ask him about an ailing furnace or a clogged garbage disposal. He can intuitively diagnose the problem and come up with a solution. When my in-laws visit, it looks like a home repair TV show. I often take notes. In many ways, as I watch Pete, I am equipped to do the repairs on my own.

In the church, there are spiritual leaders whose job it is to equip us for ministry. In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, he wrote about equipping the people for service (Ephesians 4:11-12). The word used here for “equip” is the same one used to describe the disciples’ mending of their nets when Jesus called them into service (Mark 1:16-20). For 3 years, Jesus “mended holes” in their “ministry nets” so they could be effective fishers of men (v.17).

If you don’t know how to get started in finding and participating in a ministry, watch for people who can show you how it’s done. Observe the way they use the Bible, pray, and work with people. Soon you will find that the Lord is using you more effectively in the lives of others. All you need is to be equipped. —Dennis Fisher

By God’s design, there lies in wait for you
Important work that no one else can do.
Just as the planets find their paths through space,
You too must grow to fill your proper place. —Thayer

Are you following the right leader?

LEFTOVERS

Imagine your lawn mower cutting grass using only a beam of light!

A German company has developed a two-seat, convertible lawnmower that does away with old-fashioned blades or wires and slices grass by laser. The advantage is that the machine cuts the grass so finely that the pieces can simply stay on the ground as fertilizer. The manufacturers say that the lawnmower is powerful enough to be registered for road use and would cost as much as a fine car — around $30,000!  ***MARLAR: If you have $30,000 to spend on a lawnmower, aren’t you rich enough to just pay someone to mow your lawn for you instead? 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Restless nights of no sleep may not just make you tired – they could also make you look heavier, too!

…Researchers at the University of Chicago say that light sleepers may develop love handles and double chins. (Aha! So THAT’S my problem!) The sleep study was limited to healthy men, and it is not clear whether the findings apply to women. Now the researchers are working to see if new types of sleeping pills or hormone injections can slow signs of aging. ***MARLAR: Thinking about this is enough to keep a guy up a night.

JUST FOR FUN

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE

The British Army’s elite SAS troops are getting some tough training now… how to stop snoring!
The British Army’s elite SAS troops are going through a new sort of training that will help them to not blow their cover during top-secret operations. Believe it or not, they’re being trained not to snore! The need for such training comes after a team of soldiers was hiding out in the Colombian jungle as part of a move to combat cocaine smugglers when one of the soldiers dozed off and began snoring, blowing their cover. SAS chiefs ordered the snorer to undergo hypnotism to cure him. Now other soldiers in the regiment are being trained not to snore by being ordered to alter their sleeping positions. If that fails army surgeons carry out a small throat operation.  ***MARLAR: British wives are now encouraging their husbands to enlist in the SAS.

FUN LIST

TALK-BACK RADIO

It’s a given that when you’re listening to the radio, I’m talking to you.  But I also know quite a few people (including myself) that talk back at the radio… usually in anger and frustration at something (ahem) stupid that we radio people say.  Here’s a few examples of what I’m talking about…

  • The guy on the radio says, “MORE MUSIC LESS TALK”.  I yell at the radio, “So shut up and play some music!”

  • The guy on the radio says, “WE PLAY THE GREATEST HITS OF THE 70’s, 80’s and 60’s.”  I yell at the radio, “That’s like saying “Ready… Fire… Aim!”

  • The guy on the radio says, “WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THREE IN A ROW.”  I yell at the radio, “That would mean that you have stopped halfway through the second song.”

  • The guy on the radio says, “WE PLAY WHATEVER TUNES WE WANT!”  I yell at the radio, “Then why do you keep picking the bad ones?”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

OLD WIVES’ TALES…

  1. A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s — False. A canine mouth contains 53 types of bacteria while a human mouth breeds only 37. So think twice before giving Spot a kiss on the mouth.

  2. Reading in dim light will ruin your eyes — False. According to the American Academy of Ophthalmology, you can’t wear out your eyes by using them in poor light.

  3. Toads give you warts — False. The skin glands of a toad secrete a substance that can give you hallucinations, but neither the slimy toxic gunk nor the toads cause warts.

  4. Crack your knuckles and you’ll get arthritis — False. While certain repetitive actions can lead to arthritis, knuckle cracking isn’t one of them.

  5. If you cross your eyes, they’ll stay that way — False. Stabismus, the disorder that causes misaligned eyes, only affects 4 percent of American children. Crossing the eyes does not cause the disease.

  6. Arthritis flares up in wet weather — False. People swim and shower without flare-ups and most people stay inside when it rains.

  7. Spicy foods create stomach ulcers — False. A bacterial infection or overuse of pain medications are the culprits.

  8. Walking under a ladder is bad luck — True. While a stroll under a ladder won’t endanger your soul, it poses potential dangers from falling buckets and tools.

  9. An apple a day keeps the doctor away — True. Apples are packed with antioxidants that fight the free radicals that cause cancer and other diseases.

  10. Chocolate causes acne — False. You can eat as much chocolate as you want and not worry about breakouts, which flare up when the pores of the skin become blocked with oil.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends.)

Some of those working in what’s long been called the faith-based film industry don’t want that title anymore. Producer Mark Joseph told Fox News recently that the term “faith-based” isn’t needed. He also said that the term could discourage people from seeing the movie. http://dlvr.it/P6t5mg

Involuntary muscle spasms while falling asleep are actually very common and harmless. Known as hypnic jerks or “sleep starts,” the spasms may make you feel as if you’re falling or have suddenly been “shocked” awake. Most experts speculate that these jerks happen as a result of your nervous system relaxing as you slip into sleep mode; it’s also possible that neurons misfire because the brain misperceives the muscle relaxation as actual falling. Hypnic jerks may occur more often when you’re stressed-out or sleep-deprived, or if you work out or have caffeine close to bedtime. If they are regularly disturbing your ability to fall or stay asleep, though, see a sleep specialist: They may be linked to an underlying disorder, like restless legs syndrome or sleep apnea. (Health.com)

When it comes to bargain hunting, women rule. A recent study shows that a substantial 60% of female shoppers are more interested in getting a good deal than quality merchandise while only 31% are more fixated on finding superior made goods. Men were almost the exact opposite with 50% of them more interested in quality while only 43% said price mattered most. But the Adweek Media/Harris Poll numbers also showed that our preferences change as we age and we become increasingly interested in quality over cost. Price trumped quality by 58 to 33% in people ages 18 to 34, by 53 to 44% in people ages 35 to 44, and by 51 to 47% in people ages 45 to 54. And in folks 55 and over, the trend reverses. Most, 49%, prefer top quality stuff while only 44% put price first. “My wife is always telling me: ‘Look how much money I saved,'” says one married man. “But the truth is, the more she saves, the more she spends.”

You’re out for a brisk walk around the neighborhood. And then a pavement-pounding runner zooms past you. When it comes to your heart health, is that brisk walk really as good for you as a run? The short answer: Yes. Research from the American Heart Association has found that walking is just as good as running when it comes to lowering your risk for heart disease, reports HealthDay News. When the AHA team analyzed the health of some 48,000 runners and walkers, who were mostly in their 40s and 50s, they found that mile for mile, brisk walking was just as effective in lowering the risk for type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol and blood pressure. Did you catch the key phrase in the previous sentence? It’s “mile for mile.” That is, both runners and walkers must put in the same mileage to reap the same heart health benefits. While it may take an average runner under 30 minutes to run three miles, it will likely take a walker an hour to do so. The takeaway: Walking is just as good for you as running, but you’ll have to spend more time doing it.

Itching is contagious. To be exact, it is highly contagious. When you see someone scratch, you’re likely to scratch, too. Just listening to me telling you this may have caused you to itch — and then scratch. Am I right?  We’ve long known that laughing and yawning can be socially contagious. If you see someone yawn, you yawn. If you see a group of people laughing, chances are you will laugh. The same thing is true for scratching. Previously, researchers assumed this was all in our minds. Now researchers from the Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, Missouri have proven that contagious itching is hardwired in the brain and not a form of empathy. The next time you scratch or yawn in response to someone else doing it, remember it’s really not a choice nor a psychological response; it’s hardwired into your brain.” So what? The discovery may help scientists understand the neural circuits that control socially contagious behaviors.

SOUL-GLO

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

While dogs might be man’s best friend, one man is now definitely the best friend of Lisa the puppy. 

Lisa is a 2-year-old dog who was rescued by the Granville County Animal Shelter in Oxford, North Carolina when she was found on the streets with a severe bladder prolapse. Because the surgery for the prolapse was too serious, Lisa was sentenced to euthanization.  That is, until Animals R Family – an animal wellness center and charity in Englishtown, New Jersey, heard about her plight.  The charity volunteered the $1,500 necessary for the surgery, but they had no idea how they were going to get Lisa from North Carolina to the animal hospital before the deadline.  Paul Steklenski, who is the pilot in charge of a rescue organization called Flying Fur Animal Rescue, volunteered to fly the 750-mile round trip from his home in Pennsylvania, to pick up Lisa in North Carolina, and bring her to Westchester.  “It was a very emotional rescue because of when was at stake. I was exhausted by the end of the day,” Steklenski told Metro. “The trip was the difference between life and death but now, given the proper care, Lisa will live a perfectly normal life.”  Lisa is now recovering from a successful surgery, after which she will be ready for adoption.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 11, 2017…

13 Minutes (opening in select cities)—This German film (subtitled) tells the true story of Georg Elser (played by Christian Friedel) who tried to kill Hitler with a bomb during WWII. Friedel’s life was not a pleasant one. Others in the cast include Johann von Bueloe and Cornelia Konegren. “13 Minutes” is rated R. No rating.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard—So hit men need bodyguards? Daniel Craig would need one? How about Jason Statham? In this movie, Samuel L. Jackson does need a bodyguard and who does he get? His former nemesis, Ryan Reynolds. This is a comedy, by the way. “The Hitman’s Bodyguard” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Logan Lucky—How to make easy money. Rob a bank. In this comedy film, two siblings decide to do just that. They have fast cars (compliments of a southern speedway) and figure they can out run the law. Stars are Channing Tatum, Riley Keough, Katie Holmes, Sebastian Stan, and Adam Driver. “Logan Lucky” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature—A animation film, it has the little animals are peacefully living in their forest when along comes—gasp—a land developer!  What to do? They all join forces to take care of this situation. Voices of Will Arnett, Katherine Heigl. Maya Rudolph and Jackie Chan. “The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

STEP (documentary)—The Sundance Film Festival produces another winner and this documentary concerns a step dancing team at Baltimore Leadership School for Young Women. Thee is boundless energy here and a chance to work off frustration. Learning the routines and the diligence of practice, the girls begin to see dance as a chance for a college scholarship and life improvement. The school’s academic advisor is the key to inspiring the girls and giving them a role model. We can look at our own lives and see there a role model who helped us. There are looks into the lives of some of the girls and that includes dealing with some parents who aren’t helping their children to improve themselves. The goal is a high GPA for education goals and getting from one life style to another. Film director Amanda Lipitz and cinematographer Casey Regan give you a close-up of young women on the move.  “STEP” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

AUGUST 18, 2017…

Polaroid concerns a haunted camera (what else?).

Tulip Fever is a historical romance set in the 17th century and about that special flower, the tulip. Stars Alicia Vikander.

Death Note is based on a manga story. Supernatural story starring Nat Wolff.

Villa Capri has mobsters hunting for Tommy Lee Jones and is the last film for the late actress Glenn Headly (remember her from “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.”)

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.