August 17, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160817

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Good morning, all you wonderful people who are ready for work. I really admire you folks. I’m already at work and I’m still not ready.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” –Psalms 139:9-10 New International Version

“My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense — Jesus Christ the Righteous One.” — 1 John 2:1

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. — Luke 12:6-7

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. — Matthew 7:12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.” — Job 7:11

Thought: We sometimes think of God as too fragile, too distant, or too brooding to speak with him honestly about our dilemmas. Job wasn’t so shy. He is the great reminder that God prefers us to maintain our relationship with him, even if it is stormy. No matter where you are in your struggles, be honest with God — not disrespectfully, but sincerely. Let him minister to your truest hurts, frustrations, and fears, not just the simple and sanitized ones.

Prayer: Abba Father, thank you for listening to my words and my heart. Thank you for providing the Holy Spirit and my Savior Jesus as intercessors for me before your throne. Thank you for wanting me in your presence even when my heart is full of conflict and pain. Thank you for loving me through my brokenness and strife. Most of all, thank you for your promise of bringing me home to you to share in your glory. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:17 NIV = Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – AUGUST 17, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
35 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is COONSKIN CAP DAY, always on the birthday of Davy Crockett.  ***MARLAR: Coonskin caps in the middle of the summer. Yeah, that’s a wonderful idea. Sounds more like a Davy CROCK to me.

Today is DRINK COFFEE AT THE OFFICE FROM A SIPPY CUP DAY.  ***MARLAR: Just to see if anyone notices. And you’re really special if you do it while wearing your coonskin cap.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Black Cat Appreciation Day

I Love My Feet Day

Meaning Of “Is” Day

National Medical Dosimetrist Day

National Thrift Shop Day

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, AUGUST 18

Bad Poetry Day

Mail Order Catalog Day

National Badge Ribbon Day

Serendipity Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 19

Aviation Day

Black Cow” Root Beer Float Day

International Orangutan Day

Men’s Grooming Day

World Humanitarian Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 20

International Geocaching Day

International Homeless Animals Day

International Tongue Twister Day

National Radio Day

Sand Castle Day

World/National Honey Bee Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 21

Brazilian Blow-Out Day

National Spumoni Day

Poet’s Day

Senior Citizen’s Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 22

Be An Angel Day

Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day

Take Your Cat To The Vet Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23

Day For The Remembrance of the Slave Trade & Its Abolition

Valentino Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUT 24

Knife Day

Pluto Demoted Day

Vesuvius Day

Wayzgoose Day

William Willberforce Day

National Waffle Iron Day

ON THIS DAY

1896: The first pedestrian knocked down and killed by an automobile in Britain was Bridget Driscol of Croydon, England. The car was going four miles an hour. ***MARLAR: Four miles per hour. You’d think the person would see that one coming.

1957: Phillies outfielder Richie Ashburn smashed a line-drive foul ball that broke Philadelphia grandmother Alice Roth’s nose and left her bleeding. As she was being carried out on a stretcher, Ashburn lined another foul into the stands and hit her again. He took flowers to her in the hospital.

1960: The Beatles opened what would become a three-month engagement at the Indra Club in Hamburg, Germany — their first performance outside England.

1975: 22-year-old Michael Murphy left Stevenage, England, to ride his bicycle around the world. Almost two years later, after traveling 25,000 miles and with only 40 miles to go, his bike was accidentally crushed at a customs depot, and he had to hitchhike home.

1984: The first night of his Breaking Hearts Tour, Elton John announced he was retiring from touring.

1987: The movie Dirty Dancing, starring Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey opened throughout the U.S.

1992: Las Vegas singer Wayne Newton filed for bankruptcy protection, admitting that he owed some $20-million.

1994: Actor David Caruso quit the ABC drama “NYPD Blue” and was replaced by Jimmy Smits. (audio clip)

1996: An 8-year-old gorilla named Binti cradled an injured boy in her arms and left him for keepers to rescue after the boy fell 20 feet into her enclosure at the Chicago zoo.

1997: While digging a grave near the village of Yakasse-Feyasse in the Ivory Coast, workers heard sighs from a nearby grave and dug up 2-year-old Minata Lafissa, who had been pronounced dead from a mystery illness and buried three days earlier. The child was very much alive.

1998: U.S. President Bill Clinton admitted to having an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky, a White House intern.

2000: Police awakened and arrested a 21-year-old burglar found sleeping in the bedroom of a home in Bridgton, Maine, after a neighbor reported a strange car in the driveway. The burglar said he was tired and just decided to take a nap.

2001: A 45-year-old family doctor in London took do-it-yourself to a new level by performing a vasectomy on himself. Dr Jonathan Heatley performed his own surgery with the help of his wife and a nurse. The doctor, who had performed some 400 vasectomies, said everything went well, but advised others not to try it at home.

2004: Eight British men arrested with reconnaissance plans for the New York Stock Exchange and other targets were charged with conspiracy to murder and conspiracy to use radioactive material, toxic gas, chemicals or explosives.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1635: Richard Mather arrives in Boston. He began the “Mather Dynasty” in New England Puritanism that also included his son, Cotton, and grandson, Increase.

1761: William Carey, who would become a tremendously successful Baptist missionary to India, is born in Northamptonshire, England.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Three Kings, Boomtown, “Blue Bloods”) Donnie Wahlberg 47

  • actor (Mystic River, I Am Sam) Sean Penn 56

  • actor (Heat, The Untouchables, Meet the Parents) Robert DeNiro 73

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Larry Clinton

1919 : Georgia Gibbs

1932 : Duke Pearson

1933 : Mark Dinning

1944 : John Seiter (Spanky and Our Gang)

1947 : Gary Talley (The Box Tops, Big Star)

1949 : Sib Hashian (Boston)

1955 : Colin Moulding (XTC)

1958 : Belinda Carlisle

1964 : Maria McKee

1965 : Steve Gorman (The Black Crowes)

1966 : Jill Cunniff (Luscious Jackson)

1969 : Donnie Wahlberg (New Kids on the Block)

1969 : Kelvin Mercer (De La Soul)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What famous cave paintings were found by teenagers?

On September 12, 1940, four teenagers were exploring a cave in the French countryside when they found a series of rock paintings made by early humans. Within days, archaeologists were examining the paintings, which made science headlines around the world. The Lascaux cave paintings are among the world’s most famous examples of early human art. In the shallow cave are detailed, highly artistic paintings of animals, people, and abstract forms, revealing much about the people who lived there 17,000 years ago. For more than two decades, the Lascaux caves were open for public tours. But the constant stream of visitors took its toll, and the paintings began to deteriorate as the carbon dioxide from visitors’ breathing corroded them. The cave was closed to tours in 1963, but a replica site nearby is now open for visits.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

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The Colony House Band is out with a unique video. The video for the song You and I features an all out war between the two brothers, Caleb and Will Franklin, sons of Steven Curtis Chapman. In fact, the fight was so realistic that it prompted their mom, Mary Beth Chapman, to post: No Chapman brothers were harmed in the making of this new Colony House Band video. http://youtu.be/PcoIbdT6n9I

The latest song from Hawk Nelson is titled “Live Like You’re Loved”. Front man Jon Stiengard says the song is a great glimpse into the “why” behind what we do as a band. Check out the story behind the song and find out more about why Hawk Nelson continues to do what they do… https://www.facebook.com/hawknelson/videos/10154084401878432/

Selah member Todd Smith is out with another story behind the song video. Over the weekend Todd shared the story behind Right Where I Belong from his new album “There’s A Light”. Check out the story behind the song… http://youtu.be/XoshufsbREc?a

Rend Collective has announced plans for a sequel. The band posted over the weekend: Campfire II-coming November 2016. http://twitter.com/rendcollective/status/764130619479719936/photo/1

Chris Tomlin was celebrating the latest song from Ryan Stevenson over the weekend. He posted on his twitter page: This song “eye of the storm” by Ryan Stevenson is so good. Powerful, emotional…A lot of heart. Well done Ryan.

What’s better than Chick fil A? How about Chick Fil A with 7eventh Time Down. Over the weekend members of the band were serving food at a branch of Chick fil A in Papillion, Nebraska. The band was in the area for a show at Fish Fest that evening. http://twitter.com/7eventhtimedown/status/764481553799925760/photo/1

Kerrie Roberts says she cries when she watch the Olympics. However, she admitted also crying when she watches other shows like Master Chef or Ninja Warrior. Kerrie said: I LOVE seeing people’s dreams come true.

The members of Selah say tonsil surgery is expensive. They posted a bill for just over 61-thousand dollars for the procedure. Fortunately, they had insurance so only had to pay $500 of the cost. No word from the band on which member underwent the surgery. http://twitter.com/SelahOnline/status/763857652099133440/photo/1

Jamie Grace continues to make headlines after her appearance with Adele at a concert in Los Angeles last week. Adele picked Jamie Grace from the crowd during the show, not knowing that Jamie was a Grammy nominee. Jamie’s sister Morgan recorded Jamie’s time on stage and posted it online. The next day ABC News and Inside Edition ran stories on the appearance and, over the weekend, CNN followed up with their own version of the story. Jamie told CNN that the experience came at a time when she had been considering quitting the music industry. She said she now feels inspired. http://cnn.it/2aMEt7M

Amanda Borden says Mandisa helps to get her going in the morning. The Olympic gold medalist turned TV commentator posted over the weekend: Good Morning from Rio. Rockin’ out to Mandisa and working on event final notes. https://twitter.com/amandakborden/status/764461569233129472

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A new craze sweeping Thailand is called the “red ants challenge.” It involves taking a bunch of fire ants and shoving them down your underpants. ***See? This is what happens when you preempt regular TV programming with the Olympics… people get bored.

Donald Trump says he will never change. While tweeting this week, Trump wrote: “I have always been the same person-remain true to self. The media wants me to change but it would be very dishonest to supporters to do so!”  ***Upon hearing this, Hillary Clinton immediately sent him a thank-you card.

Three employees at the Washington Monument were trapped in its elevator Saturday night. According to ABC News, the obelisk’s elevator stopped working shortly before 10 p.m. Between 25 and 30 tourists in the National Mall landmark at the time of the stoppage who were forced to exit the monument via its stairs. A maintenance crew eventually freed the stuck employees.  ***Which happened just in time, as one of the employees had Taco Bell for dinner.

“USA Today” recently asked this Olympics related question: “Why do men play beach volleyball in tank tops and shorts while women usually compete in bikinis?” And the answer, according to Corinne Calabro, the communications director for USA Volleyball: “Because that’s what the female athletes want to compete in.” Women don’t have to wear bikinis to play beach volleyball and actually have many different options.  ***How about the men though?  Do they have the option to wear two-piece bikinis?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

FBI stats show many more people are killed on a regular basis with hammers and clubs than with rifles. ***MARLAR: Expect the Illinois legislature to start working on a hammer ban immediately.

A recent study links watching a lot of television to an early grave. According to the report, the study in Spain followed more than 13-thousand adults. It found that those who watched three or more hours of television a day were twice as likely to die.  ***MARLAR: And watching “Two Broke Girls” sped up the process three-fold.

Climbers who reach the summit of Mount Fuji will now be able to share their achievement via free Wi-Fi. A Japanese mobile phone network is now offering the service at eight hotspots on Japan’s most famous mountain, including the 12,389-foot summit.   *** Well, crud.  Now I have to find another excuse not to climb Mt. Fuji.  I can’t use the, “I would, but it doesn’t have internet” excuse.

Want to make your vacation seem to last longer? Be sure it has plenty of variety. One of the reasons your vacations seem so short, both during the experience and in your memory after the fact, could be that your days are so similar to each other. In your memory, they blend together into one very long day rather than a weeklong vacation.   ***MARLAR: So they key is to pack your vacation with as many different activities as is physically possible – which, of course, will stress you out – and you’ll look forward to going back to work just so you can finally get some rest.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Pawn Shop”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Chonda Pierce, “Travel Packing”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided she no longer wanted to sing with her sisters and decided to go solo. So the Cheetah Sisters held auditions to find a replacement. And that wasn’t going very well. And Cheetah Bonita’s solo career was also having difficulties, because the BAND wanted to be solo too!

CLOSE: Now even the individual band members want to have solos? If this keeps up everybody will be doing solos – but nobody will be listening, because they’ll be too busy with their own solos! Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 20/21

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, everyone was running for their lives to get away from a Razzleflabbin called The Plaid Guy! Nobody knew why they were scared of him, but they were all terrified… and the Plaid Guy was about to catch Marvy when Marvy finally ducked behind a tree!

CLOSE: The Plaid Guy doesn’t seem all that scary anymore… but is it a trick? Is he really a nice guy, or is he secretly plotting to use Marvy to get the other Razzleflabbins to come out so he can get them all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A teenager doing a little job hunting somehow arrives at a Moment of Duh…

Wow… and I thought it was hard finding a job here in the United States! Don’t ever move to India! A teenager (Ravindra Nath Halder) applied for a state government job and got a call to go in for an interview… but he applied for the job 34 years ago!  The now 52-year-old man is now too old for a government job!  ***MARLAR: Good thing he didn’t wait around for an answer.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS

10. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

9. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

8. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

7. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

6. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

5. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

4. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instantly start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

3. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

2. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boy’s arm.

1. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The skylight is the limit… for one potential burglar.

FILE #1: In Germany a guy broke into a pharmacy by climbing through a skylight. But when he was ready to pack up his loot and leave he noticed that he was too short to reach the skylight so he couldn’t go back out the way he came in. He tried the doors and windows, but they were all locked. So he had no choice but to call police for help. They were more than glad to come by and free him.

FILE #2: A 64-year-old man got so angry at a pair of grout workers who showed up seven hours late that he got his gun and took a shot at their truck.  Agron Henci said he was defending himself because he felt threatened after an argument with the men.  Henci told officers that he ordered the men to leave after they showed up at 3:45 p.m. to do a job that was promised at 9 a.m. One of the workers became angry, called him names and kicked his front door.  Henci was charged with two counts of attempted murder and taken to jail.

FILE #3: It wasn’t Cupid’s arrow that pierced Brandon Quinn in the jewelry department of the Newburgh, New York, Wal-Mart. Brandon and his current girlfriend encountered ex-girlfriend Patricia Johnson while shopping. An argument soon began and Patricia slapped Brandon’s new girlfriend and then him. Brandon hit back, and Patricia retaliated by pulling out a knife and stabbing Brandon in the back, although his thick down jacket took the brunt of it. Brandon then punched Patricia before an off-duty police officer broke them up.

STRANGE LAW: In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

An ice cream van is pulled over – for DUI!

In Goshen, Indiana, several motorists called to report a swerving vehicle. When police arrived, the vehicle — an ice cream truck — was stopped and the driver was selling ice cream to children, so the officer waited until Dennis D. Cogburn started up again. The officer said he followed the van and pulled it over after Cogburn failed to signal turns and swerved into the wrong lane. Cogburn failed field sobriety tests and was arrested on a preliminary charge of driving under the influence of alcohol.  ***MARLAR: And we’re not buying his excuse that he had too much Rum Raisin. 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the man who lived among the tombs?

ANSWER: Legion (Mark 5:2, 9)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: A group of women in Wales are knitting sweaters for what animal?

ANSWER: Penguins (to protect them in the event of an oil spill)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Ford Festiva was the inspiration for Ralph Nader’s bestseller “Unsafe at Any Speed” (False, it was the Chevrolet Corvair)

2. The name of Legionnaires’ disease comes from an outbreak that occurred during a 1976 convention in a Los Angeles hotel. (False, it was a Philadelphia hotel)

3. Mount Crumpit was the peak overlooking the Seussian town, “Whoville”. (True)

4. Maybe Wall Street should try this: In Pakistan, goats are often sacrificed to improve the performance of the stock market. (True)

5. “Frog” is the name for one of the parts of a horse’s hoof. (True)

6. On average there are about 3000 earthquakes in the world each year. (False, it’s more like 50,000)

7. The average bra size for American women is 34B. (True)

8. Recent studies have shown that people perform better on tests if they have a cold. (True, but they don’t know why)

9. If you began right now to count stars in our galaxy at a rate of 100 per minute, you would finish counting all 105 billion stars (give or take) in just 2,000 years. (True)

10. Tiger urine smells like buttered popcorn. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

THE TRAIN _______ (LADY)

Elaine Silets  has built the largest model train display in the world.

 Silets recently opened her train gardens to the public and thousands train lovers came by to look at her train set.

She began her life as the Train Lady after her beloved late husband Harvey’s law career took off, leaving her in search of a hobby. That hobby became Huff & Puff Industries, a company that designs and manufactures model railroads for home and garden displays.

She has 10 acres of gardens, waterfalls, lakes, trestles, bridges, and replica towns and pastoral scenes, her Glorée & Tryumfant Garden Railway in North Barrington, Illinois, it’s no wonder they call her the Train Lady.

Her work with trains has been seen in the Nieman Marcus Christmas book, in the lobby of Chicago’s Hancock Center, and in Tiffany & Co. window displays.

Eleven model trains chug about the lavish gardens all-year round. 

The half-inch G-scale trains ply a Japanese water garden with waterfalls, a pond garden, rose gardens, a Snoopy topiary built especially for Silets’ grandsons, and other floral landscapes.

She also has a private train museum on her property.  The Harvey M. Silets Memorial museum was built in honor of the Train Lady’s husband, a famous attorney who once represented Jimmy Hoffa. The museum is a scaled down replica of Greater Chicago that has 16 trains of its own, a drive-in movie theatre, and other transit-related exhibits like elevated trains and subway trains.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship’s elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, “First of all, I’d like to know who pushed me.”

JOKE #2

As a concierge at a posh resort, Perry was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked him where the lift was.  “Go down the hill,” Perry told them, “out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you’ll see it on your right.”


Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. “They’re folks are from England,” he said. “I think they’re looking for the elevator.”

JOKE #3

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented “These are very good! You must have a good camera.”

He didn’t make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”

USELESS FACTS

All Americans owe a debt to Native Americans for their contributions to American culture. For example, squash, corn, and chili peppers all came from the Indians. ***MARLAR: It’s our own lack of imagination that these have not yet become part of the 31 flavors at Baskin’ Robbins Ice Cream.

A thief in Bergen, Norway, stole a shoe salesman’s sample case and got away with 24 new women’s shoes. But they were recovered after the thief threw them away upon realizing they were not 12 pairs but 24 singles, all for the left foot.  ***MARLAR: Those would’ve been perfect for (OTHER JOCK); have you ever seen that guy dance?  He’s ALL left feet!

FEATURED FUNNIES

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer
Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?,” questioned the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!”
Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
It was then that I said, “I’m fine.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A woman in a swimsuit causes a massive air-search for a missing person…

In England, a woman was taking a dip in the ocean when she decided to pop over to the supermarket, so she wrapped herself in a towel and wandered off. A man drinking at a nearby boat club noticed her clothes had been on the beach for some time with no owner in sight and called authorities, who launched a massive air-search. An hour later the woman, who was still only wearing a swimsuit and towel, returned to collect her clothes — and wondered what all the fuss was about.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

. . . You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” –1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Your body is a temporary house that you occupy before moving into eternity. The body itself is not evil, only the sinful nature that manipulates it. Concerning the human body, Paul first taught the Corinthians that their bodies were “actually parts of Christ” (1 Corinthians 6:15). It would be unthinkable to take Christ’s body and place it in an immoral situation! In the same way, you must consider your body as respectfully as you would Christ’s own body. Second, Paul stated that the body is the “temple of the Holy Spirit” (v. 19). To use it in outward sin, therefore, obviously grieves Him. If you consider an earthly temple as holy, how much more should you respect a temple where the Holy Spirit is physically present! Finally, Paul says, “You were bought at a price.” Your body is worth the highest price ever paid for anything—the blood of Jesus. If God sets such a high price on your body, how much more should you cherish it!
Value your body, and don’t cheapen it with immorality. Refuse to yield it to the desires of the sinful nature. Keep it pure, and one day it will be glorified like Jesus’ body.

–By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GREAT GAIN

Godliness with contentment is great gain. — 1 Timothy 6:6

Over the past 15 years, a New Jersey businessman has anonymously given away more than $600 million to universities, medical centers, and other beneficiaries. When a legal complication forced him to reveal his identity, he explained his generosity by saying, “Nobody can wear two pairs of shoes at the same time. I simply decided I had enough money.”

A friend of the donor described him as a man who doesn’t own a house or a car, flies economy class, wears a $15 watch, and “didn’t want his money to crush him.”

Few people seem able to treat their resources as a servant instead of a master. It seems so natural and sensible to grasp rather than to give. Even as followers of Christ, we may mistakenly believe that “godliness is a means of gain” (1 Tim 6:5).

To counter that dangerous mindset, the apostle Paul wrote, “Godliness with contentment is great gain… and having food and clothing with these we shall be content.” Contentment, according to one observer, “is not an economic quality but a spiritual attainment. It is not a state of accounts but a state of the heart.”

Are you a confirmed grasper or a contented giver? It will be demonstrated by what you do with what you have.

LEFTOVERS

HE’S GOT LEGGS AND HE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM


Pantyhose… for men?

There are a few things in this world that I absolutely would NEVER do… and this is one of them. A hosiery company in Granville, Ohio that went out of business found a whole new consumer for their excess pantyhose — men! ComfiLon has made a comeback marketing their “legwear”, waist-high and knee-high hosiery, to men. Customers say it makes them feel cooler in summer and warmer in winter; and hunters, skiers and utility workers say it improves circulation, prevents chafing, and provides extra leg support. ***MARLAR: So, can you go deer hunting if you have a run in your hose?

LIFE… LIVE IT

McDONALD’S EMPLOYEE HAS A FEW McRULES FOR US

Joanna works at a McDonald’s in Walker, Louisiana and she has some McRules for us, the customers, to follow if we want to eat at her McDonald’s!

  • Don’t confuse franchises! We don’t Biggie Size, we don’t have onion rings or nachos, and no – you may not “Have it your way.”

  • Don’t come into the lobby two minutes before we close. Chances are I’ve already cleaned, and it will only cause me to do unspeakable things to your (already stale) food.

  • Don’t scream at me if I ask you to repeat your order… we’re talking about cheeseburgers, not missiles… so calm down!

  • If you don’t see tomatoes on the sandwich in the picture don’t ask me to take them off. The Big Mac has been around for ages… it doesn’t have tomatoes.

  • Does this look like Toys-R-Us? Who cares if your kid’s have 10 of the same toy already. That’s telling me you don’t feed them at home enough!

  • When I hand you your food and say “Have a nice day,” you better respond with a smile, a “Thanks, you too,” or at least acknowledge my existence. It’s called being polite people.

  • Please don’t order a combo and then, when I ask what kind of drink, you tell me you don’t want one. That defeats the whole purpose of ordering a combo!

  • If you’re a senior citizen, don’t think you can drive past the speaker and say you forget to order; go back around like everyone else!  You already get discounts, what more special favors do you expect?!

  • Do you realize that I can hear everything you say from the moment you pull up to the speaker till you drive off?  So if you’re talking trash, don’t act so surprised when I’m not exactly friendly when you get to the window.

  • If you let go of your money before I grab it, or you drop it while I am handing it to you, don’t look at me like you really expect me to get it for you.  Besides you’re closer.

  • If you ordered a burger without pickles and they somehow ended up there anyway… just pick them off because that’s all I’m going to do when you bring it back to me to “fix it.”

JUST FOR FUN

TYPICAL MAN

An amateur sailor was picked up at sea by British coast guards for the 11th time – just two days after being rescued for the 10th time! It seems that 56-year-old Eric Abbott ran aground off the north coast of Wales recently as he tried to sail across the Irish Sea – the exact area where the unemployed painter had been picked up two days before! 11 rescues by the Coast Guard has cost the British government $82,520. Therefore, Abbott has been ordered to take navigation lessons. ***MARLAR: Just like a man, won’t get directions unless he’s forced to by the government!

FUN LIST

IF WE COULD LIVE OUR LIFE LIKE A COMPUTER

  • If you messed up your life, you could just reboot and start over.

  • To get your daily exercise, just click on “run.”

  • If you needed a break from life, click pause.

  • Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.

  • To add or remove someone in your life, change control panel settings.

  • To improve your appearance, adjust the screen settings.

  • If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

  • When you lose your car keys, click on find.

  • “Help” with anything is just a click away.

  • Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary, use your back-up disk to recover from a crash.

  • Click “SEND NOW” and a Pizza would be on its way.

  • Upgrade your wardrobe with CUT and PASTE.

  • You could empty the trash with just one click of the mouse.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

VIDEO GAME CALISTHENICS

Playing video games may actually be good for your kids?

Medical researchers say that playing video games may be beneficial for your children. Researchers studied a group of 16 to 25 year olds who played video games for 30 minutes, researchers found that heart rate increased 25 percent and energy levels increased 80 percent. Which makes playing video games equivalent to walking about two miles.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you’re a dog lover, you’ll love this story.  A Philadelphia-based program is proving that dogs abandoned at kennels can indeed be taught new tricks. Throw Away Dogs founder Carol Skaziak was inspired after seeing what she said was a high disregard for canines in boarding facilities in her area.  Throw Away Dogs rescues neglected shelter dogs and works to rehabilitate and train them for police work like narcotics detection and patrolling. Since beginning her work, nine out of 12 dogs she has rescued are now serving in police departments across the country. http://nbcnews.to/29PQxIO

Ian Mackay is traveling 300 miles to push for more accessible nature trails. What makes his journey unique is that Ian is a quadriplegic and he’s making the journey by powered wheelchair. The outdoors enthusiast embarked on the 10-day journey on August 13. He is traveling Victoria, British Columbia to Portland, Oregon. As Mackay puts it, he’s “rolling across Washington” to bring awareness to the need for accessible trails and bike paths. And he’s dubbed the journey Ian’s Ride. http://on.mash.to/2aUEUi1

Celebrate Recovery is celebrating an anniversary. According to Christianity Today, the ministry that hosts regular meetings at 29,000 churches and has trained more than 100,000 pastors in the recovery process marked it’s 25 year anniversary this month (August 2016). The program was founded by John Baker at Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church immediately following his own journey to sobriety through Alcoholics Anonymous. Baker saw a need to create a support system rooted in gospel teachings. http://bit.ly/2b3Y3PF

You don’t have to be an Olympic athlete to benefit from having Olympian habits!  Here are 10 DAILY HABITS OF OLYPMPIANS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER:

1. Get the Right Kind of Rest: Kassidy Cook, USA, Diving

2. Focus on the Nutrients: Novak Djokovic, Serbia, Tennis

3. Aim for High-Quality Sleep: Michael Phelps, USA, Swimming

4. Visualize Goals: Carli Lloyd, USA, Soccer

5. Prioritize Sleep: Usain Bolt, Jamaica, Track and Field

6. Keep a Record: Eliud Kipchoge, Kenya, Running

7. Possess Self-Confidence: Claressa Shields, USA, Boxing

8. Don’t Be All Serious All the Time: Simone Biles, USA, Gymnastics

9. Don’t Worry, Be Happy: Katie Ledecky, USA, Swimming

10. Never Skip Breakfast: Misty May-Treanor, USA, Volleyball

http://ti.me/2bnQ4je

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I think I should get a dog so he can stick his head out the window when I drive. It looks really silly when I do it. –F. J. Varano

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 12, 2016…

Pete’s Dragon—This is a remake of a film about an orphan child (Oakes Fegley), on his own, who meets a friendly dragon with the name of Elliott. Bryce Dallas Howard is a park ranger who finds the boy, but his story of a dragon sounds familiar to her—from her lather (Robert Redford.) So, what to do now?  “Pete’s Dragon” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

Sausage Party—Talking food?  And on your plate, too?  This is the premise of the animated comedy (adult) with the voices of Kristen Wiig (hot dog bun), Edward Norton (bagel) and Seth Rogen (sausage). They live in a grocery store and can’t wait to be sold to someone.  This is the ultimate…..however…..what happens when they go home?  Chomp, chomp. “Sausage Party” is rated R. No rating.

Spectral—Two special Ops, Emily Mortimer and James Badge Dale, find problems when they go against a sinister force. Kind of unworldly here. “Spectral” is rated R. No rating.

*Note: The Hollars will now open August 26.

AUGUST 19, 2016…

Ben-Hur and who thought this film could ever be remade?  Well, it has and stars Jack Huston as Ben-Hur (remember Charleton Heston in this role and that famed chariot race?) with Roby Kebbell as Messala, Ben Hur’s adoptive brother.

Kickboxer:Vengeance has Jean-Claude van Damme now the teacher training kickboxing students.

Kubo And The Two Strings is an animated film about an Asian boy hero and the voice of Matthew McConaughey.

The Space Between Us is about the first child born on Mars and falling in love with a girl born on Earth. Stars Asa Butterfield.

War Dogs is based on a true incident about two guys who win an enormous weapons contract. It’s a comedy. Stars Jonah Hill and Miles Teller.

Southside With You gives us two actors who portray President Obama and the First Lady on their first date. Stars Parker Sawyer and Tika Sumpter.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.