August 17, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170817
PDF: 20170817

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Good morning, all you wonderful people who are ready for work. I really admire you folks. I’m already at work and I’m still not ready.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” –Psalms 139:9-10 New International Version

“My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense — Jesus Christ the Righteous One.” — 1 John 2:1

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. — Luke 12:6-7

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. — Matthew 7:12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.” — Job 7:11

Thought: We sometimes think of God as too fragile, too distant, or too brooding to speak with him honestly about our dilemmas. Job wasn’t so shy. He is the great reminder that God prefers us to maintain our relationship with him, even if it is stormy. No matter where you are in your struggles, be honest with God — not disrespectfully, but sincerely. Let him minister to your truest hurts, frustrations, and fears, not just the simple and sanitized ones.

Prayer: Abba Father, thank you for listening to my words and my heart. Thank you for providing the Holy Spirit and my Savior Jesus as intercessors for me before your throne. Thank you for wanting me in your presence even when my heart is full of conflict and pain. Thank you for loving me through my brokenness and strife. Most of all, thank you for your promise of bringing me home to you to share in your glory. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 8:17 NIV = Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – AUGUST 17, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 129 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is COONSKIN CAP DAY, always on the birthday of Davy Crockett.  ***Coonskin caps in the middle of the summer. Yeah, that’s a wonderful idea. Sounds more like a Davy CROCK to me.

Today is DRINK COFFEE AT THE OFFICE FROM A SIPPY CUP DAY.  ***Just to see if anyone notices. And you’re really special if you do it while wearing your coonskin cap.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Black Cat Appreciation Day
I Love My Feet Day
Meaning of “Is” Day
National Nonprofit Day
National Thrift Shop Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18

Bad Poetry Day
Birth Control Pills Day
Mail Order Catalog Day
Men’s Grooming Day
National Badge Ribbon Day
National Fajita Day
Serendipity Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 19

Aviation Day
“Black Cow” Root Beer Float Day
Coco Chanel Day
International Orangutan Day
National Honey Bee Day
World Humanitarian Day
World Photo Day
International Geocaching Day
International Homeless Animals Day
World Honey Bee Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20

Chef Appreciation Day
National Radio Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 21

Brazilian Blow-out Day
Cupcake Day
National Spumoni Day
Poet’s Day
Senior Citizen’s Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 22

Be An Angel Day
National Bao Day
Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
Take Your Cat To The Vet Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23

Day For The Remembrance of The Slave Trade & Its Abolition
Valentino Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 24

Knife Day
Pluto Demoted Day
Vesuvius Day
Wayzgoose Day
William Wilberforce Day
National Waffle Iron Day

ON THIS DAY

1896: The first pedestrian knocked down and killed by an automobile in Britain was Bridget Driscol of Croydon, England. The car was going four miles an hour. ***Four miles per hour. You’d think the person would see that one coming.

1957: Phillies outfielder Richie Ashburn smashed a line-drive foul ball that broke Philadelphia grandmother Alice Roth’s nose and left her bleeding. As she was being carried out on a stretcher, Ashburn lined another foul into the stands and hit her again. He took flowers to her in the hospital.

1960: The Beatles opened what would become a three-month engagement at the Indra Club in Hamburg, Germany — their first performance outside England.

1975: 22-year-old Michael Murphy left Stevenage, England, to ride his bicycle around the world. Almost two years later, after traveling 25,000 miles and with only 40 miles to go, his bike was accidentally crushed at a customs depot, and he had to hitchhike home.

1984: The first night of his Breaking Hearts Tour, Elton John announced he was retiring from touring.

1987: The movie Dirty Dancing, starring Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey opened throughout the U.S.

1992: Las Vegas singer Wayne Newton filed for bankruptcy protection, admitting that he owed some $20-million.

1994: Actor David Caruso quit the ABC drama “NYPD Blue” and was replaced by Jimmy Smits. (audio clip)

1996: An 8-year-old gorilla named Binti cradled an injured boy in her arms and left him for keepers to rescue after the boy fell 20 feet into her enclosure at the Chicago zoo.

1997: While digging a grave near the village of Yakasse-Feyasse in the Ivory Coast, workers heard sighs from a nearby grave and dug up 2-year-old Minata Lafissa, who had been pronounced dead from a mystery illness and buried three days earlier. The child was very much alive.

1998: U.S. President Bill Clinton admitted to having an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky, a White House intern.

2000: Police awakened and arrested a 21-year-old burglar found sleeping in the bedroom of a home in Bridgton, Maine, after a neighbor reported a strange car in the driveway. The burglar said he was tired and just decided to take a nap.

2001: A 45-year-old family doctor in London took do-it-yourself to a new level by performing a vasectomy on himself. Dr Jonathan Heatley performed his own surgery with the help of his wife and a nurse. The doctor, who had performed some 400 vasectomies, said everything went well, but advised others not to try it at home.

2004: Eight British men arrested with reconnaissance plans for the New York Stock Exchange and other targets were charged with conspiracy to murder and conspiracy to use radioactive material, toxic gas, chemicals or explosives.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1635: Richard Mather arrives in Boston. He began the “Mather Dynasty” in New England Puritanism that also included his son, Cotton, and grandson, Increase.

1761: William Carey, who would become a tremendously successful Baptist missionary to India, is born in Northamptonshire, England.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

• actor (Three Kings, Boomtown, “Blue Bloods”) Donnie Wahlberg 48

• actor (Mystic River, I Am Sam) Sean Penn 57

• actor (Heat, The Untouchables, Meet the Parents) Robert DeNiro 74

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Larry Clinton

1919 : Georgia Gibbs

1932 : Duke Pearson

1933 : Mark Dinning

1944 : John Seiter (Spanky and Our Gang)

1947 : Gary Talley (The Box Tops, Big Star)

1949 : Sib Hashian (Boston)

1955 : Colin Moulding (XTC)

1958 : Belinda Carlisle

1964 : Maria McKee

1965 : Steve Gorman (The Black Crowes)

1966 : Jill Cunniff (Luscious Jackson)

1969 : Donnie Wahlberg (New Kids on the Block)

1969 : Kelvin Mercer (De La Soul)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What famous cave paintings were found by teenagers?

On September 12, 1940, four teenagers were exploring a cave in the French countryside when they found a series of rock paintings made by early humans. Within days, archaeologists were examining the paintings, which made science headlines around the world. The Lascaux cave paintings are among the world’s most famous examples of early human art. In the shallow cave are detailed, highly artistic paintings of animals, people, and abstract forms, revealing much about the people who lived there 17,000 years ago. For more than two decades, the Lascaux caves were open for public tours. But the constant stream of visitors took its toll, and the paintings began to deteriorate as the carbon dioxide from visitors’ breathing corroded them. The cave was closed to tours in 1963, but a replica site nearby is now open for visits.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

Oprah Winfrey is out with her own food line. The media mogul always struggled with her weight. Now she says she has found something that helped her and she also wants to help others live a healthier lifestyle. Winfrey is partnering with Kraft Heinz to create her own food line, titled “O, That’s Good!” She explained that the recipes will be inspired by the things that she likes to include in her own diet.  ***So if you’d like to lose weight, then gain it all back again, then lose it, then gain it, and be on a perpetual weight yo-yo like Oprah, then this is the diet for you!

The divorce rate in the US has doubled for couples aged over 50, and tripled for those over 65. ***Which is understandable.  A hundred years ago when you said “till death do us part” you were thinking you wouldn’t live past 50.

A Florida middle school will not be moving forward with an initial offer to let kids skip to the front of the lunch line — for a fee. Parents of students at Lawton Chiles Middle Academy in Lakeland recently received a Parent-Teacher-Student Association sponsorship form sent out to raise money for the school, with one line item promising, among other perks, a front of the lunch line pass” with a $100 donation. Dad Chris Stephenson, who told ABC Action News it was “not okay” for certain kids to be able to get their lunch first based on what their parents pay.  ***Exactly – because that would teach kids that those who have money have more power and privilege.  And we all know that’s not true in the real world.   http://peoplem.ag/iY306oz

According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, over half of us have three or more snacks every day. 56% us are snacking multiple times a day, up from 46% only a decade ago. But that doesn’t mean we’re not eating apple slices at 10am or munching on carrots at 3pm. Instead, we’re going to fast food joints all of which have created snack-size menu items — high-calorie, snack-size menu items.  ***So you have three choices… choose better snacks, stop snacking, or continue to swell past your current belt size.

An Alabama man has been arrested for hitting his brother with a baseball bat after having to share some food he bought at Taco Bell.  ***I’ve been saying for years Taco Bell is dangerous.

Itching is contagious. To be exact, it is highly contagious. When you see someone scratch, you’re likely to scratch, too.  We’ve long known that laughing and yawning can be socially contagious. If you see someone yawn, you yawn. If you see a group of people laughing, chances are you will laugh. The same thing is true for scratching. Previously, researchers assumed this was all in our minds. Now researchers from the Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, Missouri have proven that contagious itching is hardwired in the brain and not a form of empathy. The next time you scratch or yawn in response to someone else doing it, remember it’s really not a choice nor a psychological response; it’s hardwired into your brain.”  ***Okay, be honest… you felt an itch and scratched while I was telling you this, weren’t you?  See?  I told you it was contagious.

A federal judge on Monday said that Costco owed Tiffany $19.4 million in damages for selling counterfeit diamond engagement rings bearing the “Tiffany” name. ***The first clue something wasn’t legit was when someone saw that Tiffany was being sold at Costco.

An Ohio couple who went a little too far with a prank have been charged with inducing panic after they faked a murder and sent fake bloody pictures to family members. Micah Risner and his fiancée Nataleigh Schlette apparently staged Schlette’s murder by photographing her in a bathtub covered in ketchup.  ***Wow… I guess humor really is subjective.

Angelina Jolie says she’s taking a break from making movies to focus on her health and her kids.  ***Now if only we could get Adam Sandler to do that…

While American women see super-thin models and feel unattractive and unhappy about their average or curvy bodies, men don’t feel the same way. 80% of men ages 18-50 say they want a voluptuous woman, according to former plus size model Nancy Hayssen, author of “101 Sexy Secrets: How to Be Hot, Sexy & Beautiful at Any Size!” Another 15% of men prefer a woman of average size, while just 5% opt for a super skinny lady. Twenty years ago, most fashion models were a size 8, today they are a size 0. And get this — a 14, which is now considered a “plus size,” was Marilyn Monroe’s dress size. ***So stop looking at the magazines ladies – there are hundreds of men out there that think you are gorgeous just the way you are.

In China a 6-year-old girl was taken to hospital for vomiting and nausea. A scan revealed a solid mass in her stomach. A follow-up exam revealed the mass had grown bigger. It turned out to be a 6-inch long hairball. Doctors operated and removed the hair, which was the girl’s own.  ***People – there are easier ways to get your fiber.

A New Mexico man is facing charges of disorderly conduct and indecent exposure after he allegedly (relieved himself / urinated) on a family at a recent Metallica concert in Arizona. Daniel Daddio was arrested after the family of three told employees at the University of Phoenix stadium they “felt warm liquid washing over their backs and legs.”  ***I’m not sure what’s more disturbing here – that someone peed on another person, or the fact that someone thought it was okay to bring the whole family to a Metallica concert.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

Those hoping to see the day when we on Earth make formal contact with an extraterrestrial civilization shouldn’t hold their breath. It’s unlikely to happen in any of our lifetimes. That’s according to two Cornell University astronomy researchers who say that because “space is so immensely and mind-bogglingly big that, even at the speed of light, it takes an incredible amount of time for a communication to reach anywhere.” They are saying we should not expect a reply until at least 1,500 years in the future.  ***Which is great news, because I don’t need anyone else laying claim to my Reese’s Pieces.

According to a study reported in the journal Circulation, heavy, long-term coffee drinking does not raise the risk of heart attacks for most people.  ***But reading the price board at Starbuck’s does.

Scientists in the UK say they are close to developing a “quantum compass” that would be able to locate itself without GPS satellites.  ***Apparently men will do ANYTHING to avoid having to stop & ask for directions.

Americans are getting bigger – and wider – and heavier.  According to statistics, obesity rates in all 50 of the United States went up over the past year.  ***So if California falls into the ocean, it may not be an earthquake that causes it.

According to a study, working a bad job can be as harmful to your mental health as having no job at all.  ***But at least when you have a job you can afford to pay a psychiatrist.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk had been making notched badminton racquets so they’d break easily and force his friends to keep buying new ones. But it’s about to backfire on him, because his badminton playing niece, Rita, was just given one as a gift… and she’s planning on giving it as a gift as well…

CLOSE: Oh no! Rita is being arrested for sabotaging a badminton racquet – but she was given that racquet as a gift by Gruffy… and he bought that sabotaged racquet from Rita’s uncle, Racquet the Skunk – who made it! So really, Rita is in jail and it’s Racquet’s fault! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A teenager doing a little job hunting somehow arrives at a Moment of Duh…

Wow… and I thought it was hard finding a job here in the United States! Don’t ever move to India! A teenager (Ravindra Nath Halder) applied for a state government job and got a call to go in for an interview… but he applied for the job 34 years ago!  The now 52-year-old man is now too old for a government job!  ***MARLAR: Good thing he didn’t wait around for an answer.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS

10. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

9. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

8. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

7. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

6. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

5. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

4. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instantly start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

3. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

2. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boy’s arm.

1. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The skylight is the limit… for one potential burglar.

FILE #1: In Germany a guy broke into a pharmacy by climbing through a skylight. But when he was ready to pack up his loot and leave he noticed that he was too short to reach the skylight so he couldn’t go back out the way he came in. He tried the doors and windows, but they were all locked. So he had no choice but to call police for help. They were more than glad to come by and free him.

FILE #2: A 64-year-old man got so angry at a pair of grout workers who showed up seven hours late that he got his gun and took a shot at their truck.  Agron Henci said he was defending himself because he felt threatened after an argument with the men.  Henci told officers that he ordered the men to leave after they showed up at 3:45 p.m. to do a job that was promised at 9 a.m. One of the workers became angry, called him names and kicked his front door.  Henci was charged with two counts of attempted murder and taken to jail.

FILE #3: It wasn’t Cupid’s arrow that pierced Brandon Quinn in the jewelry department of the Newburgh, New York, Wal-Mart. Brandon and his current girlfriend encountered ex-girlfriend Patricia Johnson while shopping. An argument soon began and Patricia slapped Brandon’s new girlfriend and then him. Brandon hit back, and Patricia retaliated by pulling out a knife and stabbing Brandon in the back, although his thick down jacket took the brunt of it. Brandon then punched Patricia before an off-duty police officer broke them up.

STRANGE LAW: In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

An ice cream van is pulled over – for DUI!

In Goshen, Indiana, several motorists called to report a swerving vehicle. When police arrived, the vehicle — an ice cream truck — was stopped and the driver was selling ice cream to children, so the officer waited until Dennis D. Cogburn started up again. The officer said he followed the van and pulled it over after Cogburn failed to signal turns and swerved into the wrong lane. Cogburn failed field sobriety tests and was arrested on a preliminary charge of driving under the influence of alcohol.  ***MARLAR: And we’re not buying his excuse that he had too much Rum Raisin. 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the man who lived among the tombs?

ANSWER: Legion (Mark 5:2, 9)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: A group of women in Wales are knitting sweaters for what animal?

ANSWER: Penguins (to protect them in the event of an oil spill)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Ford Festiva was the inspiration for Ralph Nader’s bestseller “Unsafe at Any Speed” (False, it was the Chevrolet Corvair)

2. The name of Legionnaires’ disease comes from an outbreak that occurred during a 1976 convention in a Los Angeles hotel. (False, it was a Philadelphia hotel)

3. Mount Crumpit was the peak overlooking the Seussian town, “Whoville”. (True)

4. Maybe Wall Street should try this: In Pakistan, goats are often sacrificed to improve the performance of the stock market. (True)

5. “Frog” is the name for one of the parts of a horse’s hoof. (True)

6. On average there are about 3000 earthquakes in the world each year. (False, it’s more like 50,000)

7. The average bra size for American women is 34B. (True)

8. Recent studies have shown that people perform better on tests if they have a cold. (True, but they don’t know why)

9. If you began right now to count stars in our galaxy at a rate of 100 per minute, you would finish counting all 105 billion stars (give or take) in just 2,000 years. (True)

10. Tiger urine smells like buttered popcorn. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

THE TRAIN _______ (LADY)

Elaine Silets  has built the largest model train display in the world.

 Silets recently opened her train gardens to the public and thousands train lovers came by to look at her train set.

She began her life as the Train Lady after her beloved late husband Harvey’s law career took off, leaving her in search of a hobby. That hobby became Huff & Puff Industries, a company that designs and manufactures model railroads for home and garden displays.

She has 10 acres of gardens, waterfalls, lakes, trestles, bridges, and replica towns and pastoral scenes, her Glorée & Tryumfant Garden Railway in North Barrington, Illinois, it’s no wonder they call her the Train Lady.

Her work with trains has been seen in the Nieman Marcus Christmas book, in the lobby of Chicago’s Hancock Center, and in Tiffany & Co. window displays.

Eleven model trains chug about the lavish gardens all-year round. 

The half-inch G-scale trains ply a Japanese water garden with waterfalls, a pond garden, rose gardens, a Snoopy topiary built especially for Silets’ grandsons, and other floral landscapes.

She also has a private train museum on her property.  The Harvey M. Silets Memorial museum was built in honor of the Train Lady’s husband, a famous attorney who once represented Jimmy Hoffa. The museum is a scaled down replica of Greater Chicago that has 16 trains of its own, a drive-in movie theatre, and other transit-related exhibits like elevated trains and subway trains.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship’s elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, “First of all, I’d like to know who pushed me.”

JOKE #2

As a concierge at a posh resort, Perry was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked him where the lift was.  “Go down the hill,” Perry told them, “out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you’ll see it on your right.”
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. “They’re folks are from England,” he said. “I think they’re looking for the elevator.”

JOKE #3

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented “These are very good! You must have a good camera.”

He didn’t make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”

USELESS FACTS

All Americans owe a debt to Native Americans for their contributions to American culture. For example, squash, corn, and chili peppers all came from the Indians. ***It’s our own lack of imagination that these have not yet become part of the 31 flavors at Baskin’ Robbins Ice Cream.

A thief in Bergen, Norway, stole a shoe salesman’s sample case and got away with 24 new women’s shoes. But they were recovered after the thief threw them away upon realizing they were not 12 pairs but 24 singles, all for the left foot.  ***Those would’ve been perfect for (OTHER JOCK); have you ever seen that guy dance?  He’s ALL left feet!

FEATURED FUNNIES

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer
Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?,” questioned the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!”
Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
It was then that I said, “I’m fine.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A woman in a swimsuit causes a massive air-search for a missing person…

In England, a woman was taking a dip in the ocean when she decided to pop over to the supermarket, so she wrapped herself in a towel and wandered off. A man drinking at a nearby boat club noticed her clothes had been on the beach for some time with no owner in sight and called authorities, who launched a massive air-search. An hour later the woman, who was still only wearing a swimsuit and towel, returned to collect her clothes — and wondered what all the fuss was about.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“. . . You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” –1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Your body is a temporary house that you occupy before moving into eternity. The body itself is not evil, only the sinful nature that manipulates it. Concerning the human body, Paul first taught the Corinthians that their bodies were “actually parts of Christ” (1 Corinthians 6:15). It would be unthinkable to take Christ’s body and place it in an immoral situation! In the same way, you must consider your body as respectfully as you would Christ’s own body. Second, Paul stated that the body is the “temple of the Holy Spirit” (v. 19). To use it in outward sin, therefore, obviously grieves Him. If you consider an earthly temple as holy, how much more should you respect a temple where the Holy Spirit is physically present! Finally, Paul says, “You were bought at a price.” Your body is worth the highest price ever paid for anything—the blood of Jesus. If God sets such a high price on your body, how much more should you cherish it!
Value your body, and don’t cheapen it with immorality. Refuse to yield it to the desires of the sinful nature. Keep it pure, and one day it will be glorified like Jesus’ body.

–By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GREAT GAIN

Godliness with contentment is great gain. — 1 Timothy 6:6

Over the past 15 years, a New Jersey businessman has anonymously given away more than $600 million to universities, medical centers, and other beneficiaries. When a legal complication forced him to reveal his identity, he explained his generosity by saying, “Nobody can wear two pairs of shoes at the same time. I simply decided I had enough money.”

A friend of the donor described him as a man who doesn’t own a house or a car, flies economy class, wears a $15 watch, and “didn’t want his money to crush him.”

Few people seem able to treat their resources as a servant instead of a master. It seems so natural and sensible to grasp rather than to give. Even as followers of Christ, we may mistakenly believe that “godliness is a means of gain” (1 Tim 6:5).

To counter that dangerous mindset, the apostle Paul wrote, “Godliness with contentment is great gain… and having food and clothing with these we shall be content.” Contentment, according to one observer, “is not an economic quality but a spiritual attainment. It is not a state of accounts but a state of the heart.”

Are you a confirmed grasper or a contented giver? It will be demonstrated by what you do with what you have.

LEFTOVERS

HE’S GOT LEGGS AND HE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM


Pantyhose… for men?

There are a few things in this world that I absolutely would NEVER do… and this is one of them. A hosiery company in Granville, Ohio that went out of business found a whole new consumer for their excess pantyhose — men! ComfiLon has made a comeback marketing their “legwear”, waist-high and knee-high hosiery, to men. Customers say it makes them feel cooler in summer and warmer in winter; and hunters, skiers and utility workers say it improves circulation, prevents chafing, and provides extra leg support. ***MARLAR: So, can you go deer hunting if you have a run in your hose?

LIFE… LIVE IT

McDONALD’S EMPLOYEE HAS A FEW McRULES FOR US

Joanna works at a McDonald’s in Walker, Louisiana and she has some McRules for us, the customers, to follow if we want to eat at her McDonald’s!

• Don’t confuse franchises! We don’t Biggie Size, we don’t have onion rings or nachos, and no – you may not “Have it your way.”

• Don’t come into the lobby two minutes before we close. Chances are I’ve already cleaned, and it will only cause me to do unspeakable things to your (already stale) food.

• Don’t scream at me if I ask you to repeat your order… we’re talking about cheeseburgers, not missiles… so calm down!

• If you don’t see tomatoes on the sandwich in the picture don’t ask me to take them off. The Big Mac has been around for ages… it doesn’t have tomatoes.

• Does this look like Toys-R-Us? Who cares if your kid’s have 10 of the same toy already. That’s telling me you don’t feed them at home enough!

• When I hand you your food and say “Have a nice day,” you better respond with a smile, a “Thanks, you too,” or at least acknowledge my existence. It’s called being polite people.

• Please don’t order a combo and then, when I ask what kind of drink, you tell me you don’t want one. That defeats the whole purpose of ordering a combo!

• If you’re a senior citizen, don’t think you can drive past the speaker and say you forget to order; go back around like everyone else!  You already get discounts, what more special favors do you expect?!

• Do you realize that I can hear everything you say from the moment you pull up to the speaker till you drive off?  So if you’re talking trash, don’t act so surprised when I’m not exactly friendly when you get to the window.

• If you let go of your money before I grab it, or you drop it while I am handing it to you, don’t look at me like you really expect me to get it for you.  Besides you’re closer.

• If you ordered a burger without pickles and they somehow ended up there anyway… just pick them off because that’s all I’m going to do when you bring it back to me to “fix it.”

JUST FOR FUN

TYPICAL MAN

An amateur sailor was picked up at sea by British coast guards for the 11th time – just two days after being rescued for the 10th time! It seems that 56-year-old Eric Abbott ran aground off the north coast of Wales recently as he tried to sail across the Irish Sea – the exact area where the unemployed painter had been picked up two days before! 11 rescues by the Coast Guard has cost the British government $82,520. Therefore, Abbott has been ordered to take navigation lessons. ***MARLAR: Just like a man, won’t get directions unless he’s forced to by the government!

FUN LIST

IF WE COULD LIVE OUR LIFE LIKE A COMPUTER

• If you messed up your life, you could just reboot and start over.

• To get your daily exercise, just click on “run.”

• If you needed a break from life, click pause.

• Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.

• To add or remove someone in your life, change control panel settings.

• To improve your appearance, adjust the screen settings.

• If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

• When you lose your car keys, click on find.

• “Help” with anything is just a click away.

• Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary, use your back-up disk to recover from a crash.

• Click “SEND NOW” and a Pizza would be on its way.

• Upgrade your wardrobe with CUT and PASTE.

• You could empty the trash with just one click of the mouse.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

VIDEO GAME CALISTHENICS

Playing video games may actually be good for your kids?

Medical researchers say that playing video games may be beneficial for your children. Researchers studied a group of 16 to 25 year olds who played video games for 30 minutes, researchers found that heart rate increased 25 percent and energy levels increased 80 percent. Which makes playing video games equivalent to walking about two miles.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends.)

The total solar eclipse is coming, and as the excitement builds, so does the worry that it will leave behind a nation of eye problems. Here’s why: You may remember taking a magnifying glass outside as a kid on a sunny day and burning a hole in a leaf or starting a small fire. It takes just a few seconds for the smoke to start. Officials say your eye is basically a very powerful magnifying glass. If you stare at the sun, you’re focusing all the energy of that light onto your retina, the light-sensitive tissue in the back of your eye, and essentially burning a hole. You won’t feel it because the retina doesn’t have any pain fibers, but the damage can happen after a few seconds.  http://nbcnews.to/2uEtJ5C

This couple may not look much like Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, but they certainly have a knack for crashing weddings – and were the life of the party!

…the dynamic duo showed up at the reception of Karen and Michael Tufo and proceeded to become the life of the party; dancing for every song, posing for every photo, and just being a lot of fun in general.  Though the newlyweds and the bridesmaids were unable to put their finger on who the bombastic partygoers were, they were too distracted by the festivities to try and figure it out.  They were later surprised – and delighted – to find a card in their stack of wedding presents that confirmed their suspicions.  The card had a dollar bill taped to the inside, along with a polaroid of the mystery couple, saying: “1) Congratulations! 2) Sorry for crashing your wedding! 3) Best of luck!”  Karen later posted a photo of the card on social media, saying that it was the best gift she could have asked for, and that she wanted to find the couple so she could shake their hands and buy them a drink.  The New Jersey couple was later revealed to be Carly Wolfson and Ritchie Berry: two youngsters who had actually agreed to crash a wedding as their first date.  “I messaged her on Facebook apologizing, like I’m so sorry,” Wolfson told reporters.  “She was like don’t be sorry, best gift ever.”  Ms. Tufo has since befriended the two youths and demanded that she be invited to their own wedding – assuming they ever get married.

Debris from Charlottesville is still dropping.  Conrad Lariviere lives and works as a police officer in Springfield, Massachusetts – far from the violence that rocked Charlottesville, Virginia. Nevertheless, he’s facing disciplinary action because of those protests after making what even he admits was a “stupid comment” online about Saturday’s fatal car crash. In response to a story about the car plowing into counter protestors, Lariviere wrote: “Hahahaha love this, maybe people shouldn’t block roads!” Someone saw it and then complained to the city police department. Lariviere later told reporters that he wasn’t a racist and didn’t support the white supremacist rally, adding, “I’m a good man who made a stupid comment and would just like to be left alone.” Springfield’s police chief says he has launched an investigation, and the matter will be brought before a police review board. Mayor Domenic Sarno doesn’t sound sympathetic saying, “There is no place for this in our society, let alone from a Springfield police officer.”

Israeli archaeologists have uncovered a rare 2,000-year-old stone quarry and workshop located near the ancient Galilean town of Cana, which is recorded in the Christian Gospels as the place where Jesus turned water into wine. The Galilee excavations—occurring just south of the modern Israeli village Kafr Kanna, which scholars have identified as the site of the Biblical town of Cana—revealed an artificially hewn cave where ancient workers quarried raw materials for chalkstone vessels.  http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=22132

Gertrude Mokotoff and Alvin Mann were introduced eight years ago at a gym in Middletown, N.Y., where they still work out twice a week. She’s 98. He’s 94. They were married Aug. 5 at Middletown City Hall, where they exchanged vows before Mayor Joseph DeStefano and 50 family members and close friends. https://www.reddit.com/r/UpliftingNews/comments/6t6ky2/shes_98_hes_94_they_met_at_the_gym/

Peace and quiet seem like good things until you’ve had too much. Keith Davison got his fill in the months that followed the death of his wife Evy after 66 years of marriage. But it’s not quiet at Davison’s house anymore. Late this spring the 94-year-old retired judge installed in his backyard an in-ground pool – then filled it with the neighborhood kids. Davison’s backyard addition is no mere wading pool, at 32 feet long – and 9 feet deep under the diving board. It’s a welcome addition in a town that doesn’t have an outdoor public pool. http://www.ksdk.com/mobile/article/news/nation-now/94-year-old-minn-man-puts-in-pool-for-neighborhood-kids/464103053

SOUL-GLO

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

Despite there being an abundance of negative news about airline employees, this Southwest worker has become a shining example of going above and beyond the call of duty. 

…Stacy Hurt was preparing to fly back to Pittsburgh from undergoing a chemotherapy treatment in Nashville, Tennessee when she was offered an earlier flight home.  Unfortunately, there was not enough time for a luggage transfer and her suitcase was unable to make it on the plane. When Hurt discovered that she had lost her bag, she was overwhelmingly upset.  In order to survive colon cancer, Hurt will have to undergo chemotherapy treatments for the rest of her life. Inside of her lost bag, there were a number of important medicinal and emotional objects that she wanted for her chemo session the next day.  When Hurt spoke to Southwest airlines worker Sarah Rowan about her dilemma, the young employee immediately understood the gravity of the situation.  Rowan tirelessly searched for the bag until – at 3AM – she finally found the suitcase. Because the curriers had all gone home, however, Rowan delivered the suitcase to Hurt’s doorstep herself.  On top of the suitcase, she left a heartwarming note scribbled on tissue paper.  The two women later shared a tearful conversation where Hurt expressed her gratitude and disbelief at Rowan’s efforts.  We warn you – it is hard not to get tearful listening to it yourself, but you can watch the video at http://ow.ly/9hCW30eo99O.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

A kidnapper is caught, and the girl he kidnaps is saved, thanks to the promise of a free pizza!

When a man had kidnapped his daughter away from her rightful guardians, she was finally found three weeks later thanks to the efforts of a UK man – and the promise of free pizza.  After a legal battle found that 4-year-old Yvette Henley’s father was unable to care for her, her grandparents of Hesperia, California were granted custody.

They were never able to take custody, however, due to Yvette and her father’s disappearance following the ruling.  As police struggled to find the youngster, they asked Harry Brown for help: a 21-year-old Surrey man who happened to be Facebook friends with Virgil.  The two had originally met on the internet some time earlier, and they had struck up a conversation in the past. Police reached out to Brown in particular because he was only one of three people who had liked a profile picture of the kidnapper some months earlier.  Brown then started chatting up Virgil in hopes of getting the location of his hiding place.  Virgil eventually revealed that he was holed up in an Arizona motel with Yvette and his girlfriend.  Brown then asked if he could send Virgil a pizza at the hotel, to which the father gleefully accepted, offering up the exact room number and address of the hotel.  When police later showed up at the room, they arrested Virgil and sent Yvette back to the loving home of her grandparents.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I think I should get a dog so he can stick his head out the window when I drive. It looks really silly when I do it. –F. J. Varano

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 11, 2017…

13 Minutes (opening in select cities)—This German film (subtitled) tells the true story of Georg Elser (played by Christian Friedel) who tried to kill Hitler with a bomb during WWII. Friedel’s life was not a pleasant one. Others in the cast include Johann von Bueloe and Cornelia Konegren. “13 Minutes” is rated R. No rating.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard—So hit men need bodyguards? Daniel Craig would need one? How about Jason Statham? In this movie, Samuel L. Jackson does need a bodyguard and who does he get? His former nemesis, Ryan Reynolds. This is a comedy, by the way. “The Hitman’s Bodyguard” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Logan Lucky—How to make easy money. Rob a bank. In this comedy film, two siblings decide to do just that. They have fast cars (compliments of a southern speedway) and figure they can out run the law. Stars are Channing Tatum, Riley Keough, Katie Holmes, Sebastian Stan, and Adam Driver. “Logan Lucky” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature—A animation film, it has the little animals are peacefully living in their forest when along comes—gasp—a land developer!  What to do? They all join forces to take care of this situation. Voices of Will Arnett, Katherine Heigl. Maya Rudolph and Jackie Chan. “The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

STEP (documentary)—The Sundance Film Festival produces another winner and this documentary concerns a step dancing team at Baltimore Leadership School for Young Women. Thee is boundless energy here and a chance to work off frustration. Learning the routines and the diligence of practice, the girls begin to see dance as a chance for a college scholarship and life improvement. The school’s academic advisor is the key to inspiring the girls and giving them a role model. We can look at our own lives and see there a role model who helped us. There are looks into the lives of some of the girls and that includes dealing with some parents who aren’t helping their children to improve themselves. The goal is a high GPA for education goals and getting from one life style to another. Film director Amanda Lipitz and cinematographer Casey Regan give you a close-up of young women on the move.  “STEP” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

AUGUST 18, 2017…

Polaroid concerns a haunted camera (what else?).

Tulip Fever is a historical romance set in the 17th century and about that special flower, the tulip. Stars Alicia Vikander.

Death Note is based on a manga story. Supernatural story starring Nat Wolff.

Villa Capri has mobsters hunting for Tommy Lee Jones and is the last film for the late actress Glenn Headly (remember her from “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.”)

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.