August 19, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160819

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome back to (THE JOCK SHOW) – radio’s answer to absolutely nothing!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies… She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. –Proverbs 31:10 27-28

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God. — John 3:20-21

To me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. — Philippians 1:21

By God’s will I may come to you with joy and together with you be refreshed. — Romans 15:32

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“Nothing outside a man can make him ‘unclean’ by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him ‘unclean.'” — Mark 7:15

Thought: We get so hung up on externals, appearances, and facades. Jesus cuts to the core of God’s concern — our spiritual heart condition. He wants us to not only focus on what we put in our body, but what we allow to grow in our hearts and simmer in our heads. The inner world is what needs our most earnest attention. So let’s be honest and ask if we are spending as much time focusing on our inner world as we are focusing on our external appearance!

Prayer: O God, who searches minds and hearts, may the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you. I offer you my inner world to cleanse and redecorate by the sanctifying work of your Holy Spirit. Please guard my heart from evil ambitions and my mind from impure thoughts. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:19 NIV = The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – AUGUST 19, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
33 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is AVIATION DAY, always on Orville Wright’s birthday. He was born in Dayton, Ohio, August 19, 1871.

Today is PENGUIN AWARENESS DAY. ***MARLAR: One of the few birds that won’t be celebrating Aviation Day.

Today is ZELLA DAY, honoring all ladies named Zella. ***MARLAR: And that constitutes a whopping ZERO for our audience.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Aviation Day

Black Cow” Root Beer Float Day

International Orangutan Day

Men’s Grooming Day

World Humanitarian Day

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, AUGUST 20

International Geocaching Day

International Homeless Animals Day

International Tongue Twister Day

National Radio Day

Sand Castle Day

World/National Honey Bee Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 21

Brazilian Blow-Out Day

National Spumoni Day

Poet’s Day

Senior Citizen’s Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 22

Be An Angel Day

Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day

Take Your Cat To The Vet Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23

Day For The Remembrance of the Slave Trade & Its Abolition

Valentino Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUT 24

Knife Day

Pluto Demoted Day

Vesuvius Day

Wayzgoose Day

William Willberforce Day

National Waffle Iron Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25

Kiss and Make Up Day

National Park Service Day

National Second-hand Wardrobe Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26

National Dog Day

National Toilet Paper Day

National WebMistress Day

Women’s Equality Day

World Daffodil Day

ON THIS DAY

1883: Gabrielle Chanel was born in France. “Coco” created the perfume Chanel #5. ***MARLAR: What ever happened to Chanel numbers one through four? (And with a name like “Coco” I’m surprised one of her fragrances wasn’t Cocoa-Puffs.)

1929: Amos & Andy, a radio sitcom starring white actors Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll as African-American characters, debuted on NBC Radio. One of radio’s longest-running shows, it moved to television with an all-black cast for two seasons in the early ‘50s. Reruns finally disappeared in 1966 after complaints from civil rights groups.

1946: William Jefferson Blythe IV was born in Hope, Arkansas, just weeks after his father had been killed in an accident. In 1961, 15-year-old Bill Blythe, whose mother had since married Roger Clinton, had his last name legally changed to Clinton.

1951: Edward Gaedel became the only dwarf to play major league baseball. The 3-foot-7 pinch hitter with the St. Louis Browns walked on four straight pitches. ***MARLAR: And then took a short jog to first base.

1964: The Beatles opened their first American tour at the Cow Palace in San Francisco. Also on the bill were The Righteous Brothers and Jackie DeShannon.

1973: Singer Kris Kristofferson married singer Rita Coolidge in Los Angeles.

1993: South Korea banned singer Michael Jackson from that country, claiming Jackson was an “evil example” to young people.

1996: Guillermo Leciaire, who had survived 72 bullet wounds and seven assassination attempts during a 57-year feud with another family, died at age 74 in central Nicaragua. He had been blind since being shot in the head in 1970.

1997: 22-year-old Texas Rangers rookie third baseman Fernando Tatis Jr. spoke by telephone for the first time in 17 years to his father. Ferando Sr. and his wife had divorced when their son was 5. Fernando Sr. had played minor-league baseball in the U.S. Rangers coach Bucky Dent, who had gone through a similar search for his own father, helped arrange the reunion. The Tatises got together in person a short time later.

1998: An Indian astrologer stuck by his 1996 prediction that scandals would force U.S. President Bill Clinton to resign. N.K. Rawo edited India’s Journal of Astrology.

2002: A South African driver survived a shooting when the bullet lodged in a wad of money in his jacket pocket. The victim was attacked outside a bank where he’d just collected about a thousand dollars. He told police he realized he’d been shot when he found a hole in his pocket and a bullet in the wad of money.

2004: Carly Patterson won gymnastics’ premier event at the Olympics in Athens, becoming the first U.S. woman to win the all-around title since Mary Lou Retton in 1984.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1099: Three years after setting out, the First Crusade armies defeat the Saracens at the Battle of Ascalon, a Palestinian city. For more than a century afterwards, Christians controlled the Holy Land.

1662: Blaise Pascal, French scientist, polemicist, and Christian apologist, dies at the age of 39 after an extended illness. In 1654, he experienced his “definitive conversion” where he discovered the “God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob, and not of the philosophers and men of science”.

1835: German-born William Nast, founder of German Methodism, is appointed a missionary to Germans in Ohio. He organized hundreds of German converts into churches.

1843: C.I. Scofield, dispensationalist creator of the Scofield Reference Bible, is born near Clinton, Michigan.

1886: Richard G. Spurling, a Baptist minister, founds the Christian Union in Tennessee. In 1923 the organization took the name the Church of God, Cleveland, Tennessee, a Pentecostal denomination that now has hundreds of thousands of members.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Six Degrees”, “Parenthood”) Erika Christensen 34

  • Actor (“Friends”) Matthew Perry, 47

  • Former MTV news correspondent Tabitha Soren, 49

  • Actor (“That’s Life”, “Entourage”) Kevin Dillon, 51 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“The Closer”, Phenomenon) Kyra Sedgwick, 51

  • Actor (“Full House”) John Stamos, 53 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“Northern Exposure”, “Chicago Hope”) Adam Arkin, 60

  • Actor (“The O.C.”) Peter Gallagher, 61

  • Actor (Will Riker on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”) Jonathan Frakes, 64 (audio clip)

  • former 2nd Lady Tipper Gore 68

  • Actor (“Major Dad”, “Simon & Simon”) Gerald McRaney, 69 (audio clip)

  • 42nd President Bill Clinton is 70

  • Actor and former U.S. Senator (“Law & Order”, Die Hard 2, Hunt for Red October, Line of Fire) Fred Thompson, 74

  • Actress (Diamond Are Forever) Jill Saint John, 76

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1939 : Ginger Baker (Cream)

1940 : Roger Cook (Blue Mink)

1940 : Johnny Nash

1943 : Billy J. Kramer

1943 : Don Fardon (The Sorrows)

1945 : Ian Gillian (Deep Purple)

1948 : Elliott Lurie (Looking Glass)

1948 : Susan Jacks (The Poppy Family)

1951 : John Deacon (Queen)

1966 : Lee Ann Womack

1968 : MC Eric (Technotronic)

1989 : Lil’ Romeo

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Secular scientists are now talking about massive catastrophes in regard to the formation of the fossil record. Isn’t this what the creationists have been saying all along?

Creationists have always insisted that the fossil record has to be interpreted on the basis of catastrophic events.  Not long ago evolutionists taught that the fossil record formed slowly, over millions and millions of years. But now, evolutionary scientists suggest all sorts of global catastrophes to explain, for example, the extinction of dinosaurs. Even in a secular book published recently, leading evolutionists declare that the fossil record now must be understood in terms of catastrophic processes–not slow processes as they originally taught.  Why won’t they just accept the answer from Genesis that there was a single global catastrophe–the Flood–just thousands of years ago? The real answer is because they don’t want to acknowledge that there’s a God who judged man’s rebellion with a watery catastrophe. It stands as a warning that He will judge again–but next time by fire.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Nicole C. Mullen is getting married. Singer and preacher Donnie McClurkin made the announcement on the Charisma News podcast earlier this week. Donnie is a former homosexual who says God delivered him from “the curse” of homosexuality. http://bit.ly/2bhT00c

Sidewalk Prophets frontman Dave Frey’s girl friend has actually been following the band for quite a while. Dave this week posted a picture of a ticket she purchased back in 2008. The ticket was for a Sidewalk Prophets show. She kept it and, this week, just found it in one of her drawers. https://www.instagram.com/p/BJJ8SwWg68R/

Jamie Grace was standing up for gymnast Gabby Douglas this week. The Olympian has borne the brunt of some less than favorable comments during this year’s games, prompting Jamie to come to her rescue. Jamie posted: I just can’t handle bullying. It’s not cool. Ever. https://youtu.be/lDcPR6LQKUk

How long will Casting Crowns continue to tour? They posted this week: “As long as God gives us songs and something to say, we will keep going.”

Selah member Amy Perry introduced the group’s followers to Sydni Chambers this week. Amy posted: Jake and I used to babysit her, now she dances with Mandisa and wow, is she ever talented. It’s such a blessing to see what a beautiful, Godly woman she’s grown into. https://www.instagram.com/p/BJIjafgDZcy/

The Grit and Grace Project web site is out with an exclusive interview and video with Hillary Scott and her family. The member of the group Lady Antebellum says: when hard times hit, women run headlong to the two places that provide strength: our family and our faith. These pillars may be central to our daily life, but it is during these seasons that they become even more significant. For Hillary, that point was the sudden miscarriage of her second pregnancy in the fall of 2015. It led Hillary to write “Thy Will” a song that offers a universal message of hope. The family then joined together to create a new album that shines a light not only on the bond Hillary shares with her family, but the union they all share with God. http://thegritandgraceproject.org/faith/love-remains-scott-family-video-exclusive

Israel Houghton is ready to wed again. According to Charisma News, the former Lakewood Church worship leader, who announced his divorce earlier this year, proposed to girlfriend Adrienne Bailon in Paris. The couple has been dating at least since March, not even a month after Houghton told social media followers he “failed and sinned” in his marriage. Bailon is a singer-songwriter, actress, dancer and television personality from New York City’s lower eastside, according to her website. She appeared in the Houghton-produced film I’m In Love With a Church Girl. http://bit.ly/2byMenH

A new record for Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo. He posted: I went 13 minutes enjoying social media before reading anything political and ruining said enjoyment.

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard is applauding a new trend by millennials. He posted this week: Just read an article saying “millennials” are more averse to taking on debt than past generations. Jon said the article reported the trend like its a bad thing. However, Jon had a different take. He said: you go millennials. Jon added: I don’t agree with him on everything but my man Dave Ramsey changed my world by encouraging me to kick debt to the curb. The borrower is slave to the lender. Pay off that last debt and tell me you don’t feel free.

Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips is known for his upbeat performances, spinning drums, and unique expressions. This week Duncan admitted that not even he always knows what he’s doing. He posted a picture this week and added: Another one of those moments when I have no idea what I’m doing! I must black out from time to time! https://www.instagram.com/p/BJG2Yl-g2Qg/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

According to the list of the 10 most stolen cars of 2015, the 1996 Honda Accord came in at number one.  ***So… congratulations?

Belgian scientists have create a machine that turns urine into drinkable water which can then be used to brew beer.  *** And there you have it, the circle of life.

7-Eleven is currently experimenting with Slurpee delivery by drone.  *** How much more will it cost to have the Slurpee dropped over the head of an enemy?  That would be awesome.

A mumbling caller dialed a wrong number and left a panicked bank employee convinced that a bomb was on its way. The man had meant to call a company that repaired pumps, but instead dialed a bank. He told the employee who answered the phone that he had sent a pump express delivery and asked for a “diagnosis.” However, police said his diction was so poor that the woman believed he was sending a bomb.  ***Which kinda makes sense.  He might’ve turned to crime because he had no interpersonal skills.

Wednesday Donald Trump received his first classified intelligence briefing.  ***We expect him to blab it before end of business today.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

If you don’t think coffee is doing damage to your liver, think again.  Jennifer Zartarian, N.D., the Wellness and Research Coordinator at Long Island College Hospital of Brooklyn explains, “Caffeine is broken down by the liver through the use of enzymes. The more these enzymes are involved in breaking down caffeine, the less available they are for breaking down other chemicals in the bloodstream. Excessive caffeine use, therefore, causes the liver to work less efficiently at its job of detoxifying the body.” While one to two cups each day seems normal, anything above that amount may seem excessive. Experts recommend replacing those additional cups of coffee with water instead.  ***MARLAR: Which is fine with me so long as the water is caffeinated and tastes like Starbucks.

According to a new study, having power at the workplace makes people actually think that they’re taller.  ***MARLAR: It also helps if you cut a couple of inches off the legs off of all of your employees’ desks and chairs.

Scientists say spouses share a surprising amount of DNA. ***MARLAR: Although you do have to wonder about this, seeing as the study was taken at a trailer park in Louisiana.

There’s a real psychological condition that makes Instagram users feel they’re not attractive. *** I found a solution. I uninstalled Instagram.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Frogs On Toadstools”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Jeff Allen, “Golf Carts”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided to stop singing with her sisters – she wanted to go solo. Then Cheetah’s band decided to leave and go solo… together. But then they all broke up because they all wanted solos too. And now it’s so bad that even individual guitar strings and piano keys are refusing to play together – EVERYBODY wants a spotlight of their own!

CLOSE: How much worse can this solo thing get? Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 20/21

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, everyone was running for their lives to get away from a Razzleflabbin called The Plaid Guy! Nobody knew why they were scared of him, but they were all terrified… and the Plaid Guy was about to catch Marvy when Marvy finally ducked behind a tree!

CLOSE: The Plaid Guy doesn’t seem all that scary anymore… but is it a trick? Is he really a nice guy, or is he secretly plotting to use Marvy to get the other Razzleflabbins to come out so he can get them all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Teaching a few extra classes to make some money landed a few teachers in a big mess of DUH!

5 teachers at Southwest High School in Miami were a little short of cash, so they looked for a “creative way” to make a little extra. They typically make around $6,000 in overtime for their classes so they began offering extra classes in wrestling, track and field, fitness lifestyles and aerobics. After 2 semesters, school officials noticed that the students were getting mostly A’s in the courses and stop by to see the reason for the success. When they stopped by, they realized that there were never any classes and there were never any students! In fact, the coaches made up the students’ names. All 5 teachers were quickly arrested and face 12 counts of felony. ***MARLAR: But will all receive an “A” for that acting class they were teaching!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS A MOM DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR


1. I swallowed a goldfish.

2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3. Does grape juice leave a stain???

4. The principal called…

5. But DAD says that word all the time.

6. What’s it cost to fix a window???

7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???

8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

9. The dog doesn’t like dressing up in your clothes.

10. I’m moving out. (Well, maybe some days.)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Liar, liar, pants on fire is a pretty good saying for today in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: Stop, drop, and roll. Stop, drop, and roll. Isn’t that what they teach you in school if your clothes were ever to catch fire? Apparently one criminal didn’t remember that saying… as he kept running from police even when his pants were on fire! In fact, the only thing that saved Carl Franklin was that his hot pants burned enough away that they dropped to his ankles… which tripped him up so police could catch him. It all started with two bad habits… the first, running away from the cops. The second, putting your lit cigarette in your pants to save for after the chase. Franklin was charged with resisting arrest, handcuffed, and taken to jail. Halfway to the jail he was still shouting that his pants were on fire.

FILE #2: It was a tough day at the office indeed for police in Oklahoma City. The SWAT team recently surrounded a suspected drug house and staged a stand off with the residents inside. For seven hours things stayed tense as negotiators tried to talk the occupants into surrendering. Finally, after seven hours they figured out that no one was home

FILE #3: A woman who tried to steal cash from a Kansas City convenience store ended up with less than she came in with — namely her shirt — and the whole thing was caught on tape! Our would-be-robber came into the store about 1:30 a.m. and grabbed a can of soda. She headed to the counter, then jumped over the counter toward the open cash register. But that’s when store clerk Omar Takow grabbed the woman’s shirt — which inevitably came off. The now topless woman grabbed all of $3 dollars and fled, leaving her shirt behind. Mr. Takow said he’s not thrilled with all the publicity, but he’s not afraid to stand up for what’s right adding, “They can come and try it, but they will see that they will get what they deserve.” Apparently he got the stolen $3 bucks back when the woman returned to get her shirt. She had two guys waiting for her in a car outside. They all got away, but without the cash.

STRANGE LAW: In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to cross streets while walking on your hands.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A husband and wife are both pulled over for drunk driving… in separate cars!

A husband and wife in Nevada both face drunk-driving charges after being stopped at the same time driving separate cars.  Elko County sheriff’s deputy Sean Murphy says the wife’s car almost crashed into him after he’d pulled over the husband.  Mr. Murphy says it’s the first his-and-hers drunk-driving case he’s ever heard about in the area. Police arrested them and held them in separate cells in Elko County Jail.

PHONER PHUN

What weird trick did you teach your pet?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: After Pharaoh refused to let Israel go, he said the Israelites would gather what to make their bricks?

ANSWER: Straw (Exodus 5:7)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many knights could sit around Camelot’s Round Table?

ANSWER: It seated 150 knights, with one place left open for the Holy Grail.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The average American kid eats 15 pounds of cold cereal annually. (True)

2. A cow can give about 100 quarts of milk per week. (True)

3. President Carter joined the boxing team at Harvard and lost sight in one eye after a rough sparring match later in life, while he was in office. (False, it was Teddy Roosevelt)

4. The comic strip character Garfield often exclaimed “Leapin’ lizards!” (False, it was Little Orphan Annie)

5. “Rickets” is a deficiency of Vitamin D. (True)

6. McDonalds is the only major fast-food burger chain in the U.S. to offer onion rings as an option. (False, it’s Burger King)

7. A triangle can have a maximum of two right angles. (False, it can only have one)

8. The first person to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel was a 63-year-old widow, back in 1901. (True)

9. A “shoveler” is actually a kind of Duck. (True)

10. A Disney theme park opened in 1983 in North Korea. (False, Tokyo, Japan)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“New Greeting Cards Just For __________!” (PRISONERS)

Terry Cheathem is a criminal defense lawyer and adviser to the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. She has also developed a special line of greeting cards for a demographic she says Hallmark has completely ignored — the recently incarcerated. Among her selections are cards which say: “Sorry to hear about your arrest,” and “Honestly, I never knew anyone who was arrested before.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.”

Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”

Later that day when the Evangelist and her husband were over for dinner, the Evangelist began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, “I have such a terrible headache!”
The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”

JOKE #2

A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor’s wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man’s sermon. 

”The poorest I’ve ever heard,” she said. “There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn’t even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed.”

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, “How’d the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?”

“All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful,” he said. “I didn’t have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year.”

JOKE #3

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. 

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, “Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”

“What do you say?” she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

USELESS FACTS

There really is a disease called the laughing disease, where people literally laugh themselves to death.  ***MARLAR: There is a cure though – force them to listen to (OTHER STATION / OTHER JOCK).

According to the Population Council, people tend to marry people who live near them.  ***MARLAR: Well, yeah.  Otherwise they’d be a pen-pal.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE WEDDING DRESS

When Andra got married, she asked to wear her mother’s wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time her father sitting with her mother in the living room as she descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Andra’s Mother’s eyes welled with tears.

“You’re not losing a daughter,” her father reminded his wife. “You’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CORNY NEWS

It’s a new plague to add to the list! First there were frogs, locusts, hail, and now… falling corn! It happened in Wichita, and no one can explain it!

It was an event of biblical proportion. Things falling from the sky that could not be explained. Fortunately, no one was hurt when the corn husks fell upon Wichita, Kansas in the summer of 2001.  According to news reports, thousands of foot-long (30-cm-long) and larger leaves from corn stalks fell like rain across Wichita. Meterologist Chad Petta says that in cases of high winds, tornadoes, thunderstorms and other extreme weather events it was not unusual for objects to fall from the sky after getting blown long distances. But there has been no unusual weather to explain the falling corn husks, he said.  Some thought perhaps an airplane may somehow have been responsible, but there is no evidence to back up the theory.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE BLESSING IN “NO”

I asked God to take away my pride. God said, “No. It is not for Me to take away, but for you to give it up.”

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said, “No. Her spirit is whole, her body is only temporary.”

I asked God to grant me patience. God said, “No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn’t granted, it is earned.”

I asked God to give me happiness. God said, “No. I give you blessings, happiness is up to you.”

I asked God to spare me pain. God said, “No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to Me.”

I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, “No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.”

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, “No. I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.”

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me. God said, “Ah, finally you have the idea!”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GRACE AND GLORY

Read: Psalm 84:5-12

The Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. —Psalm 84:11

There’s a circular path in the park where I walk behind our home in Boise, Idaho. When I’ve walked three times around, I’ve gone 1 mile.

It’s easy to lose count of the laps on my 3-mile walk. So each morning I pick up nine small stones and put them in my pocket, discarding one each time I finish a lap.

I always feel good when there’s one stone left in my pocket. It puts spring in my step. I pick up the pace.

It occurs to me that my walk through life is a lot like those daily walks. I’ve completed three-score and ten years and don’t have far to go. That too puts spring in my step.

I’m in no hurry to leave this life, but my times are in God’s hands. As the body is breaking down under the weight of the years, there is a grace within that sustains me. I go now “from strength to strength,” and in good time I will appear “before God in Zion” (Psalm 84:7,11). That will be glory for me.

Our Lord gives “grace and glory,” the psalmist says—grace for our earthly walk and glory when we have finished it. “No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly” (v.11).

Do you need grace today? God gives it with both hands. All you have to do is take it. —David Roper

When all my labors and trials are o’er,
And I am safe on that beautiful shore,
Just to be near the dear Lord I adore
Will through the ages be glory for me. —Gabriel

God gives grace for this life and glory in the life to come.

LEFTOVERS

DOOGIE HOWSER

An eight-year-old boy tied his mother’s umbilical cord with a shoelace after he’d helped deliver her baby. Tommy Davidson, from Detroit, also called an ambulance and made sure his new sister didn’t fall off the bed. The baby came quicker than his mother anticipated. She’d sent her husband out to a relative when the baby arrived. Tommy said: “My mom said, ‘When the baby’s head comes out, don’t let her fall on the floor’. Then she said to put her on her stomach and put a towel on her to keep her warm, but I was scared. She had all that stuff on her.” ***MARLAR: Little Tommy is still confused as to why he never did see a stork.

LIFE… LIVE IT

WAYS TO DEAL WITH A NOISY OFFICE

CareerBuilder.com offers these tips to eliminate excess noise at work when you don’t have an office door to close.

  • White Noise — If colleague conversations and ringing phones have you reading the same sentence over and over, try purchasing a white noise CD to play in your computer.

  • Radio/CDs — If your company allows it, download a media player onto your computer, bring in a small radio or listen to some of your favorite CDs.

  • Plants — Plants are good at absorbing noise. Talk to your office manager about getting some greenery in the office to help take the edge off the hubbub — and they look nice too!

  • Nonreflective Surfaces — Make some noise of your own and consult the facilities manager about putting some noise absorption materials in your office, such as carpets, curtains, dividers or acoustic ceiling panels.

  • Confront the Culprit — If it’s just one person in the office who is making all the noise, talk to him or her and explain your situation. They may not even be aware of how loud they are.

  • Set Up a Noise-Free Zone — Perhaps you and your colleagues can designate a particular conference room or area that can be used to escape the noise. It’s always good to have a quiet place to consult with clients or interview candidates.

  • Noise-Canceling Products — There are many products out there that can help with the vexing problem of noise pollution. From small, lightweight headsets to varying types of earplugs, these devices can be used to reduce annoying noise.

  • Move It and Lose It — If an ill-placed copy machine is causing too much traffic, or an over-burdened fax machine rings constantly, check with office services about the possibility of relocating the noise-maker. If that won’t work, see if you can relocate your work station further away from the machines.

  • Post a Sign — Simple and friendly “quiet” signs in hallways and outside conference rooms will help remind co-workers to keep it down when leaving a meeting, heading down the hallway or grabbing a cup of coffee.

JUST FOR FUN

THIS IS A SHORT WORK WEEK

Wouldn’t it be great if we ALWAYS had three-day weekends and four-day work weeks?  Here are the top five reasons why…

  • Because I say so

  • Because you say so

  • It would mean the boss would be grumpy one less day every week

  • I could get my work done in 4 days. Don’t tell the boss, but I could probably do it in one – that would just make him more grumpy!

  • And finally, after all those years of complaining about Monday, we could start complaining about Tuesday’s instead!

FUN LIST

PET PET-PEEVES

  • Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

  • Parrot: Tease, tease, tease — but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?

  • Cat: Why are these people in my house?

  • Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

MEMORABLE RESUME MISTAKES

How much time does a potential employer really spend looking at your resume?  You might be surprised.  And I have a few “memorable resume mistakes” as well.  (Well, not my own mistakes – after all, I landed this job.)

The job search site CareerBuilder recently asked 2,500employers to list their most memorable resume mistakes.  Missteps included:

  1. *Putting God as a reference (no phone number)

  2. *Sending a 24-page resume

  3. *Including an e-mail address with the words “lovesbeer” in it

  4. *Listing “Master of Time and Universe” under experience

With nearly five jobseekers available for every job opening these days, it does pay to make your resume stand out, and quickly. The CareerBuilder survey found that human resources managers typically review no more than 25 applications for every open position, and by review we mean “glance briefly at.”  The survey found that 38 percent of employers say they spend less than a minute looking at each resume, on average, and 18 percent spend less than 30 seconds.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

NASA has released a yearlong timelapse of Earth, built from over 3,000 images. According to ABC News, the pictures were captured with EPIC, a camera located approximately 1 million miles from Earth. The hourly images from the daylight side of the earth will be used to study the daily variations of features over the entire globe.

http://abc7.com/science/timelapse-shows-a-year-in-the-life-of-planet-earth/1436787/

Despite persecution, more and more Muslims are converting to Christianity in Bangladesh, a Muslim-dominated country. According to The Christian Post, Muslims make up nearly 90 percent of Bangladesh’s population. However, the number of Christian converts is rising. Human rights organization Christian Freedom International estimates that as many as 91,000 Muslims have converted to Christianity in the country over the last six years. Christian converts know that persecution will likely follow their conversions. Open Doors notes: “Conversion is not forbidden by law, but pressure to recant the Christian faith will be exerted by family, friends, and neighbors.”

http://dlvr.it/Lrktrq

A Former Imam in Eastern Uganda has lost his Home, Family, Work after Turning to Christ. According to ChristianToday.com, the 53-year-old man was driven from his ancestral home the night of June 27 by a group of relatives led by his brother-in-law. The man said an evil spirit had been tormenting him for many years before he visited Elim Church in his village on May 28. When the story of Tenywa’s conversion reached his family and other relatives, they became incensed and told him to go back to Islam because it was the religion of his clan. Tenywa told them he could not deny what Jesus had done for him.

http://dlvr.it/LrjsPy

Struggling to pray for victims of recent attacks or people in far off countries? The organization Open Doors Youth suggests you start with how Jesus taught us. They recomend using The Lord’s Prayer as a way of getting focused when we pray–read it through and then check the points to pray as Jesus said to pray.

http://bit.ly/2a85e8g

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

They should create a sequel series where Doogie Howser takes his medical skills and becomes an Army doctor, and call the show “Doogie Howitzer”.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. ***MARLAR: I know I’ve used this line before, but I was too lazy to go searching for a new one.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 19, 2016…

Ben-Hur—Here is the third re-make of this famous novel by Lew Wallace.  The first was in the 1920’s. the second in 1959 with Charlton Heston (Ben-Hur) and Stephen Boyd as Massala, his nemesis. Oh, that famous chariot race and done live, too.  Well, today, we have Jack Huston as Ben-Hur with Toby Kebbell as the bad guy Messala. Richly done and with plenty of action, we follow the adventures of Ben-Hur from a good life to slavery and back again, against the backdrop of the time of Christ. “Ben-Hur” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Kickboxer: Vengeance—Fans of Jean Claude Van Damme hate to admit it, but now is the time for their martial arts hero to become a Master in films, and that is what happens.  He becomes the Master (coach) to a new fighter  in order to beat the man who killed Van Damme‘s brother.  Who is the villain, you ask?  Why Dave Bautista, no less. The action begins. “Kickboxer: Vengeance: is rated R. No rating.

Kubo And The Two Strings—This is a stop-action anime film that tells the story of a young Asian boy-hero. The voices you may recognize will be Matthew McConaughey (playing a beetle), Rooney Mara and Charlize Theron. “Kubo And The Two Strings” is rated PG. No rating.

The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he speaks to with.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

War Dogs—Based on an article from “Rolling Stone” magazine, the film is about two guys (Seth Rogen and Miles Teller) who win a multi-million dollar arms contract from the US. They are supposed to supply arms to troops in Afghanistan. Well, what a premise, and with Seth Rogen aboard, you know the hilarity will begin. “War Dogs” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Southside With You—This film is about how Michelle Obama and Barack Obama first met and began dating. Who is daring enough to take on these roles?  Tika Sumpter is Michelle and Parker Sawyers plays Barack. Directed by first-timer Richard Tanne. “Southside With You” is rated PG 13. No rating.

AUGUST 26, 2016…

Blood Father is a thriller starring Mel Gibson and about saving family.

Don’t Breathe has teens breaking into a house for a robbery but find trouble. Stars Jane Levy.

Hands of Stone is the story of champion boxer Roberto Duran and stars Edgar Ramirez..

Mechanic: Resurrection has Jason Statham returning in the role and saving his girlfriend.  Again.

The Hollars is written and directed by John Krasinski. It’s about returning to your family and finding them as dysfunctional as ever.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.