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BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things consist.” –Colossians 1:16,17
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. — Matthew 5:11-12
He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. — 1 John 5:12
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. — 2 Timothy 1:16
Thought: A friend in Christ that will faithfully serve others is a wonderful gift of refreshment. Yet as humans, we are tempted to be fickle friends — there for a bit of time while they need us, but often tiring over the long haul of extended recovery from illness, grief, or the consequences of previous sin or addiction. Is there someone you know who is still chained in some way to the past? Is the Lord calling upon you to bless this person today? What about blessing them as Onesiphorus blessed Paul — often and without being ashamed!
Prayer: Almighty and tender Shepherd, please give me eyes to see your precious ones around me who need the encouragement of your grace that can only be experienced through the touch of a caring brother or sister in Christ. Please help me through the power of your Holy Spirit to be a more steadfast and faithful source of refreshment to these people. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Proverbs 8:20 NIV = I walk in the way of righteousness, along the paths of justice,
TODAY IS THURSDAY – AUGUST 20, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 130 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL STOP AND SMELL YOUR DOG DAY. ***MARLAR: Meaning it also very well could turn out to be “Oh My Gosh My Dog Needs a Bath Day”.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Earth Over Shoot Day (Ecological Debt Day)
COMING UP NEXT
FRIDAY, AUGUST 21
SATURDAY, AUGUST 22
Be An Angel Day
Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
Take Your Cat To The Vet Day
SUNDAY, AUGUST 23
Day For The Remembrance of The Slave Trade & Its Abolition
Go Topless Day
MONDAY, AUGUST 24
Pluto Demoted Day
William Wilberforce Day
TUESDAY AUGUST 25
Kiss and Make Up Day
National Park Service Day
National Second-hand Wardrobe Day
National Whiskey Sour Day
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26
Women’s Equality Day
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27
The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day
ON THIS DAY
1924: Jim Reeves was born in Galloway, Texas. With his 1960 hit “He’ll Have to Go,” Reeves joined Johnny Cash and Bobby Helms as a new breed of “crossover” artist who sold records to pop as well as country fans.
1955: Bo Diddley made his first appearance at the Apollo Theater in New York City. He probably did “Bo Diddley” and “I’m A Man.”
1960: Singer Connie Francis made her acting debut on the set of the movie Where the Boys Are.
1965: The Rolling Stones released “Satisfaction.” It would become their first #1 song in the U.S.
1985: Xerox presented its original 914 copy machine to the Smithsonian Institute. It was first introduced in 1960.
1990: Ike Sewell died in Chicago at age 87. Ike was an all-America football player at the University of Texas, and he invented the Chicago-style deep-dish pizza.
1994: Vice-President Al Gore underwent surgery to repair an Achilles tendon, injured playing basketball in the U.S. House of Representatives gymnasium.
1996: An 18-year-old British burglar suffered third-degree-burns on 90% of his body when he climbed into what he thought was a tanning bed at Salisbury hospital. The nuclear machine, used to treat serious skin conditions, would have killed the guy in 45 seconds. He got out fast but seriously burned after just fifteen. ***MARLAR: Not only was he caught red-handed, but also red-footed, red-backed, red-legged, red-chested, red-armed, red-faced, red-necked…
1997: An 88-year-old man had to be rescued twice from a burning hotel in Mattawa, Ontario. He went back in to get his false teeth. ***MARLAR: Life ain’t worth living without being able to chew.
1998: Canada’s Supreme Court ruled that Quebec could not secede without the federal government’s consent.
2001: A 19-year-old accused Polish shoplifter was dumped naked in the center of the city of Szczecin with “I am a thief” written on his back. The vigilante sentence was executed by unknown men called by the store staff where the youth was caught trying to steal a sweatshirt. Police said the youth refused to press charges against the store.
2003: Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore was suspended after refusing to comply with a federal court order to remove a large stone inscribed with the Ten Commandments from the lobby of the state Supreme Court building.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1153: Bernard of Clairvaux, French theologian, monastic reformer, and hymn writer (O Sacred Head Now Wounded), dies. His motto was “To Know Jesus and Jesus Crucified”.
1745: Francis Asbury, one of the two first Methodist bishops in America (the other was Thomas Coke), is born in Birmingham, England.
1902: Althea Brown, African-American, sails for Africa as a missionary where she will die young of malaria and sleeping sickness.
1912: William Booth, founder and first General of the Salvation Army, dies.
1935: Kenneth Pike crosses into Mexico for the first time with Cameron Townsend, later to become a trailblazing linguist and founder of the Summer Institute of Linguistics.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Face-Off, The Bourne Ultimatum, The Bourne Supremacy, Death Race) Joan Allen 59
- actress (Raging Bull, “The Commish”) Theresa Saldana 61
- TV weatherman Al Roker 61
- actor (Patch Adams, The Green Mile, “Evening Shade”) Michael Jeter 63 (
- journalist Connie Chung is 69
- promoter Don King 84
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1923 : Jim Reeves
1926 : Frank Rosolino
1927 : Joya Sherrill
1931 : Paul Robi (The Platters)
1931 : Frank Capp
1933 : “Uncle John” Turner (Johnny Winter Band)
1934 : “Sneaky” Pete Kleinow (The Flying Burrito Brothers)
1935 : Justin Tubb
1940 : John Lantree (The Honeycombs)
1941 : Dave Brock (Hawkwind)
1942 : Isaac Hayes
1944 : John Povey (Pretty Things)
1946 : Ralf Hutter (Kraftwerk)
1947 : James Pankow (Chicago)
1948 : Robert Anthony Plant
1949 : Phil Lynott (Thin Lizzy)
1952 : John Hiatt
1952 : Rudy Gatlin (The Gatlin Brothers)
1952 : Doug Fieger (The Knack)
1970 : Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
So the myth that one dog year is equivalent to 7 human years is just that – a myth?
According to pet expert Dr. Jeffrey Werber, that dog-years formula is only accurate in the middle of a pet’s life span. Elsewhere, the first year of a pet’s life is equal to about 15 years; the second year is equal to about 10 years, and every year thereafter is equal to between 4 and 8 human years, depending on the breed and size of your pet. Plus, just because a dog is wagging his tail doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s friendly. While dogs often express their happiness and affection with a wagging tail, they also wag their tails when they are excited, ready to fight, tense, anxious and annoyed.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
A thought from Casting Crowns Mark Hall: Would you have picked the same 12 as Jesus? We’re out looking for the quarterback when it’s the Waterboy who’s gonna to change the world.
Think the life of a Christian artist is glamorous? Kutless member James Mead described one of his days over the weekend. He wrote: I drove a lot today. Then I met some people. Then I drove some more. Now I’m doing homework. James said that it tour life.
Bob Smiley: GoPro’s are so expensive! They need to make a GoSemiPro.
Casting Crowns’ Mark Hall: Just bought a bottle of water and skittles from Six Flags. Best nine dollars I’ve ever spent.
Third Day’s Mark Lee says his wife and his daughter clearly have differing views on bugs. Mark tweeted the following conversation between the two:
Kitty: “Mommy there’s a bug in here!”
Stephanie: “OK, Daddy will get it.”
Kitty: “But I named him Jerry.”
WEIRD & WACKY
|Kangaroo-type pet on the loose in Arizona
TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) — Authorities say one or two wallaroos, a type of kangaroo, have escaped from a north Tucson home. Pima County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Tracy Suitt said a person reported that at least one pet wallaroo went missing Monday afternoon. A video captured the kangaroo-type…
|Idaho replaces mile marker 420 with 419.9 to thwart stoners photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — If you’re looking for milepost 420, you won’t find it in Idaho. Idaho transportation officials say the mile marker has been replaced with 419.9 signs to curb thieves eager to own a number associated with marijuana enthusiasts. Turns out, Idaho isn’t alone in this problem….
|Man who can’t use his arms has gun possession charge dropped
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — A man who can’t use his arms because of a spinal condition has had a New Jersey gun possession charge against him dropped. HASH(0x14019a0) Authorities say Hubbard and three other men were in a car that ran a red light in Trenton last summer and had a stolen handgun in a…
|Buffett fans scolded for leaving homemade toilets at show
MANSFIELD, Mass. (AP) — Parrotheads are apparently too busy wasting away in Margaritaville to wait in line for the bathroom. HASH(0x140e6b0) Lt. Sam Thompson says the most common model is a 5-gallon bucket with its rim lined with a foam pool noodle for a seat, stashed inside a tent. Thompson…
|Robbers with machete run when store cashier pulls out sword
PITTSBURGH (AP) — Two ninja-clad teens armed with a machete and expecting an easy robbery at a Pittsburgh convenience store got quite a shock when a cashier pulled out a sword and started chasing them. Surveillance video shows the teens entering Perry Market on Friday night. One goes behind…
|Thieves uncap 1,200 beers in German store seeking prize
BERLIN (AP) — Police in western Germany are looking for thieves who broke into a store selling alcohol and stole the caps off 1,200 bottles of beer — presumably to collect points for a prize contest — yet left the suds themselves untouched. Essen police said Tuesday the thieves…
|Pair of centenarians to celebrate their wedding anniversary photo
CATONSVILLE, Md. (AP) — Two centenarians are celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary at a Maryland retirement community. Walter and Leslie Kimmel were married on Aug. 18, 1940. They are both 100 years old. They’ll celebrate their anniversary Tuesday afternoon at Charlestown Retirement…
|College student lives in 96-square-foot solar-powered house photo
POULTNEY, Vt. (AP) — A college student in Vermont is living in a 96-square-foot house he built to reduce his carbon footprint — and save money. HASH(0x13d83a0) The home is powered by two 100-watt solar panels. A rocket mass heater built from a cast-iron stove insulated with a mixture of…
|‘Call 911’: Man says Siri made the call that saved his life
WATERHILL, Tenn. (AP) — A Middle Tennessee teen is alive, thanks to Siri. Eighteen-year-old Sam Ray says the voice recognition service on his iPhone — famously named Siri — called emergency dispatchers after his truck fell on him while he tried to make repairs. Ray told media…
|Police: Gravestone found at NJ bus terminal belonged to dog
NUTLEY, N.J. (AP) — Police have solved the case of a mysterious gravestone that was found by a maintenance worker at a northern New Jersey bus terminal earlier this month. HASH(0x13eb7d0) Detectives were able to match records at a local animal hospital to confirm that Max the dog was born on…
|‘Literary litterbug’ admits tossing 600 books from vehicle
LONGMONT, Colo. (AP) — A man dubbed the “literary litterbug” for tossing more than 600 books along a busy Colorado highway must complete 30 hours of community service and pay $1,725 in restitution and court costs. HASH(0x13eb990) Colorado Department of Transportation crews began noticing the…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|FDA approves female sex pill, but with safety restrictions
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Food and Drug Administration on Tuesday approved the first prescription drug designed to boost sexual desire in women, a milestone long sought by a pharmaceutical industry eager to replicate the blockbuster success of impotence drugs for men. But stringent safety…
|Jimmy Carter to discuss cancer diagnosis on Thursday photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter plans to discuss his recent cancer diagnosis, making his first comments since revealing he has the disease last week. The Carter Center on Tuesday said Carter will hold a press conference Thursday morning at its offices in Atlanta. The event…
|Teens’ e-cigarette use linked with later smoking photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Teens who use e-cigarettes are more likely than others to later smoke conventional cigarettes and other tobacco products, a study at 10 Los Angeles high schools suggests. The study doesn’t prove that electronic cigarettes are a “gateway drug” but some doctors say it bolsters…
|South Dakota nurse embeds in colony life to transform care photo
OLIVET, S.D. (AP) — A spaghetti dinner with people in prairie dress and a church service in German is all in a day’s work for Kerri Lutjens. The 33-year-old nurse, who doesn’t speak German, has spent the past few years gaining the trust of several communities of Hutterites, a deeply religious…
|New limbs and new hope for Africa’s hunted albino children photo
NEW YORK (AP) — As 5-year-old Baraka Cosmas Lusambo slept in his family’s home in western Tanzania in March, men wielding torches and knives burst in, knocked his mother unconscious, held him down and sliced off his right hand in the name of witchcraft. Baraka has albinism, a condition that…
|California lawmakers renew push to pass right-to-die bill photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — California lawmakers announced Tuesday that they are making a new push to allow terminally ill patients to legally end their lives after opposition from religious groups and hesitance from fellow Democrats helped stall efforts earlier this year. The bill allowing…
|NYC mayor signs law to combat future Legionnaires’ outbreaks
NEW YORK (AP) — New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has signed legislation aimed at preventing further outbreaks of deadly Legionnaires’ disease. An outbreak that began last month killed 12 people in the Bronx and hospitalized more than 100 others. The legislation requires the regular…
|Starbucks, Panera tweak pumpkin spice latte formulas photo
SEATTLE (AP) — The pumpkin spice latte battle is heating up just in time for fall. Starbucks and Panera are hyping reformulated versions of the popular drinks — which will include real pumpkin — in a fight to win over fans of the beverage in coming weeks. Starbucks Corp. said…
|2016 hopefuls hit the gym, try to skip pie on campaign trail photo
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Scott Walker is counting steps on his FitBit. Jeb Bush swears by the Paleo diet. Bobby Jindal is a “gym rat.” With long travel days and a fresh slab of cherry pie never far away, the campaign trail is notoriously unhealthy. But many 2016 presidential candidates are…
|Sweden suspects meningitis outbreak at scout camp in Japan
STOCKHOLM (AP) — Sweden’s health authority is urging nearly 2,000 scouts returning from a gathering in Japan to get medical treatment after a suspected outbreak of meningitis. The Swedish Public Health Agency on Monday said one Swedish participant was likely to have contracted the disease at…
|Imperfect test fuels alternative treatments for Lyme disease photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Lyme disease conjures memories of checking for ticks at camp and fretting over bug bites after hikes in the woods. But far from a summertime nuisance, Lyme is a potentially debilitating disease – and the subject of a vigorous debate in modern medicine. Doctors not only…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
You’ve probably heard of IBM’s supercomputer program Watson — it’s famous for taking on humans in chess and beating humans on Jeopardy. Now you can use Watson to analyze your personality. Simply enter something you’ve written, like a long email or longish Facebook post, and let Watson go to work. In seconds the real you is revealed. It also scores you on various needs and values. *** And if your name is Sarah Connor it immediately tries to kill you. http://ow.ly/PZ3B2
A grandmother in Albuquerque got angry when a thief stole her late husband’s pickup truck so she went looking for it. When she found it she boxed it in with her vehicle and called the police. *** We’re not giving her a list of the FBI’s Most Wanted to see what she can do about them.
When Ann Trachtenberg joked she wanted to be escorted out of her last chemotherapy treatment by a marching band, little did she know her niece would contact the Badger Band: The University of Wisconsin Marching Band to do the honors. When Ann checked out of the hospital, the band was there. *** Although I think they could’ve gone with a better song selection than “Live and Let Die”.
Investigators at a New York City jail recently uncovered an inmate’s apparent escape plot using 64 bed sheets tied together, which would have been enough for him to shimmy down 11 stories from his cellblock to the street. *** This, only after his original plan of growing his hair to scale down the walls “Rapunzel” style wouldn’t be allowed by the prison barber.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A new poll says that young people are more accepting of the idea of women proposing to men, but it’s still not working out that way. Three-fourths of Americans say it would be fine for the woman to do the proposing, in theory, but only about 5 percent of those currently married say the woman proposed. ***MARLAR: So the question is, if the woman is proposing, does the guy get the really awesome engagement ring? I should’ve held out a little longer.
Most people lie to poll takers when given a survey. That’s right, eight out of ten Americans say they lie to pollsters regardless of the questions asked. That’s according to a survey by a top market survey company that says this makes all surveys suspect.. ***MARLAR: If most people lie when taking a survey, how can we believe this survey – since it was people taking a survey?
National Geographic Channel and Kelton Research found that most expect some sort of catastrophe will hit the US during the next 25 years. NGC revealed these results: “Earthquakes (64%), hurricanes (63%) and terrorism (55%) are the most feared, followed by financial collapse (51%), significant blackout (37%), a pandemic (29%) and nuclear fallout (14%).” Looking ahead 20 years, 62% believe a major catastrophe will hit the world on a global basis, and most – 71% — think it will be in the act of God, rather than man-made category. ***MARLAR: Now, go out and have a nice day.
Love window seats on airplanes? Then your risk of death has just increased. It turns out window seat people are at greater risk of deep vein thrombosis than other passengers. DVT is a the formation of serious blood clots in the veins which can be fatal, and on long flights, window people are less likely to get up, stretch out, and walk around. ***MARLAR: So it’s not the seat that kills you – it’s the sitting in the seat.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Olives”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ken Davis, “Spiders”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We found out last time that the sloth was one of the best animals in the jungle when it came to living in peace. But she wasn’t always so peaceful. In fact she was downright worrisome. So much so, in fact, that her worrying and rushed lifestyle of trying to get so much done spread throughout the entire jungle!
CLOSE: Is getting up an extra hour each day really the answer to all of the animals time and work problems? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 22/23, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode in the never ending saga that is As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was singing show tunes and getting ready to go on a picnic. He had everything ready to go and was just about to take off when Millard the Monkey stopped by…
CLOSE: The best picnic the jungle animals have ever had… now that DOES sound like fun! We’ll find out how much fun next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
A car crashes into a business – through the company’s roof!
A couple of pranksters in Vista, California, thought it would be funny to take a crane and lift a classic 1966 Chevy Nova onto the roof of a local business. Unfortunately they apparently failed to take into account that cars weighed a lot more back then. The joke became a lot less funny when the Chevy crashed through the roof, rupturing the fire sprinkler system, dousing computers, carpets and furniture in the business. The pranksters are now looking at felony vandalism.
TOP TEN REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
- We can open all our own jars
- Phone conversations last 30 seconds
- We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
- Old friends don’t care if we’ve lost or gained weight
- When surfing channels, we don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying
- Our last name stays put.
- We can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
- We can kill our own food.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Two crooks pick the worst vehicle to try and steal… a police vehicle!
FILE #1: From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of two criminals (Alejandro Martinez and Cardell Betonia) who couldn’t have picked a worse vehicle to try to steal. It was an old beat up GMC van with faded-out tinted windows and a curtain separating the driver’s area from the back of the vehicle. And it also happens to be owned by the police department. It’s used on stakeouts in suspected drug trafficking areas. That’s how a couple of officers were using it the other night, hiding in the back and keeping a lookout for drug dealers. These criminals strolled by, noticed the keys in the ignition and jumped in. Before they got it started they got the shock of their lives when the cops pulled the curtain back and busted them.
FILE #2: A German man has purposely started fires just so he could appear in the courtroom of a judge that he has a crush on. Robert H. first met the judge in court after being charged with setting fire to his own apartment in Vienna. She later refused numerous requests for dinner by the fire-starter, who then decided the only way to see her again, was to start another blaze. He was jailed when he appeared in court again on other arson charges.
FILE #3: Andrea Karlen of Milford, Connecticut, was the victim in what all parties acknowledged was a mere “fender bender.” Nevertheless she sued big time and paraded a slew of so called medical experts on the witness stand, all who claimed the accident triggered severe post-traumatic stress disorder which dislodged repressed memories of childhood physical abuse which sent her into a major depression, panic attacks and resulted in at least 400 psychiatric sessions. The jury somehow bought it and awarded Andrea a half a million dollars! By the way, Andrea just happens to be a state judge who has now been nominated to a federal court.
STRANGE LAW: In Wyoming it is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people’s view in a public theater or place of amusement.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Don’t blame your stupidity on the swine flu – especially when your brain is on drugs!
A judge in New Zealand is rejecting a woman’s drunk-driving defense. Deborah Karen Graham contended that the three glasses of wine she had were more potent, because she was getting over a case of the swine flu. The explanation was less contagious than the ailment. The judge fined her and took away her license for six months.
Three things you couldn’t live without?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who along with Moses saw God during the wilderness wanderings?
ANSWER: Aaron, Nadab, Abihu, and seventy of the Israelite elders. (Exodus 24:9,10)
QUESTION: We hear a lot about the sinking of the Titanic. But here’s something you’ve probably not heard… how many dogs survived the sinking of the “unsinkable ship”?
ANSWER: Two dogs survived the sinking of the Titanic.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The Tony award-winning Movin’ Out tells a story using music written by Bruce Springsteen. (False, Billy Joel)
- Fidel Castro earned a Ph. D. in Law. (True)
- Atari was the Japanese video game company founded in 1898 to manufacture playing cards. (False, it was Nintendo)
- Uranium the heaviest natural element found on Earth. (True)
- The Rat Pack singer whose signature song was “The Candy Man” was Frank Sinatra. (False, it was Sammy Davis, Jr.)
- Idiot’s Delight is one of the many variants of the card game Poker. (False, it’s Solitaire)
- The not-yet-celebrity who was arrested in 1965 for being AWOL from the Austrian army was model Fabio. (False, it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger)
- In mathematics, the more common name of an “obelus” is a division sign. (True)
- Three times as many people in America put ketchup along side their French Fries as put it on top. (True)
- A fathom is ten feet deep. (False – six feet deep)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
“Firefighters Blame _______ For Setting House Fires!” (Aliens)
Italian fire investigator Francesco Venerando of Sicily has concluded that aliens are to blame for a series of unexplained fires in refrigerators, televisions and mobile phones in the village of Canneto di Caronia. Residents there have reported everyday household objects bursting into flames. Mr. Venerando said, “We are not saying little green men from Mars started the fires, but that unnatural forces capable of creating a large amount of electromagnetic energy is just one possibility.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, “May I have two bagels to go, please?”
The baker said in astonishment, “Two bagels? Nothing more?”
“That’s right,” answered the little man. “One for me and one for Bernice.”
“Bernice is your wife?” Asked the baker.
“What do you think,” snapped the little man, “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”
“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when, Jason, a college student delivered his pizza.
“Well,” Jason replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”
“Is that so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”
“Thanks,” Jason said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”
“By the way, what are you studying?” inquired the man.
Jason replied, “Applied psychology.”
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
“Yes, that was it!”
“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”
“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther.”
The Census Bureau reports that the average American commutes for more than an hour to get to work, and that it seems to be getting longer. ***MARLAR: And they can’t quit their jobs, because they need the money to buy gas.
A couple in Belgium is passing out leaflets door-to-door hoping to find an egg donor so they can have a baby. ***MARLAR: The poor couple passed out over 4,000 leaflets before finding a typo. Now they’ll be eating frozen waffles for the next 15 years.
“Grandpa, I’m really proud of you,” said the modish young lady.
“What’s to be proud of?” asked the old man.
The young lady replied, “I noticed that when you sneeze, you’ve learned to put your hand in front of your mouth.”
“Of course,” explained Grandpa. “How else can I catch my teeth?”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Wouldn’t it be great if you could bill the state for all the gas you waste sitting still in a construction zone? One woman tried to do exactly that!
Carol Greenberg, from Ohio, has sent Michigan transportation officials a bill for the $16 she says she wasted on gas sitting in construction zone traffic. Greenberg said there were no signs warning about the work on southbound I-275 where it merges with I-75 near Newport, Michigan. She ended up sitting in traffic for nearly an hour on July 23rd while trying to get home to the Toledo suburbs. The Michigan Department of Transportation sent a letter to Greenberg saying it was not able to reimburse drivers for time, wages, or gas lost in work zone back-ups. Meanwhile, in a similar incident, a woman from Indianapolis billed her physician for the extra 30 minutes she waited in his office past her appointment time. The woman said, “Doctors have this arrogance and think their time is more valuable than mine – so I billed him double the amount he charges my insurance.”
GOD IS A LITTLE LIKE…
God is a little like General Electric
He lights your path.
God is a little like Bayer Aspirin
He works wonders.
God is a little like Hallmark Cards
He cared enough to send the very best.
God is a little like Tide
He gets out the stains that others leave behind.
God is a little like VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is a little like Dial Soap
Aren’t you glad you know Him?
Don’t you wish everyone did?
God is a little like Wal Mart
He has everything.
God is a little like Alka Seltzer
Oh, what a relief He is!
God is a little like Scotch Tape
You can’t see Him but you know He’s there!
God is a little like The Copper Top Battery
Nothing can outlast him.
God is a little like American Express
Don’t leave home without Him!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Have you ever been in a pitched battle? At times, the spiritual warfare in life can reach a fever pitch. Satan knows when you are approaching a breakthrough threshold in the advancement of the kingdom of Christ. A team fights hardest in a goal-line stand!
Nehemiah was nearing the end of the wall construction when he said, “Neither I nor my brothers nor my men nor the guards with me took off our clothes; each had his weapon, even when he went for water” (Nehemiah 4:23). Relaxation was not an option.
As Paul said, “Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground” (Ephesians 6:13). Nehemiah never put off his armor in the day of battle. When you are in a crisis and are doing spiritual warfare, don’t stop battling the devil until the breakthrough comes. There will be plenty of time for rest when the battle is won!
Can you sue someone for kissing you?
Louise Kelsey, 58, of Melbourne, Australia, is suing the Park Hyatt Hotel, where she used to work as a maid. She claims that in 2001, a soccer player who was there from Uruguay for the World Cup stole a kiss from her, sparking post-traumatic stress disorder that left her legally blind. The hotel doesn’t deny she was kissed, but they got a skeptical doctor to testify that it must’ve been “the most powerful kiss in history.” ***MARLAR: Either that, or out of habit the soccer player head-butted her while attempting to score.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Planning on getting a tattoo? We’ll don’t… especially if you’re a woman!
Researchers are saying that women are more likely than men to regret getting a tattoo. About a quarter of Americans ages 18 to 30 have at least one tattoo, and that number is expected to jump to 40% in the next few years. A survey by Texas Tech University found that while 80% are pleased with their tattoos, 6% eventually undergo procedures to erase them. About two-thirds of them are women, who said the body art caused them embarrassment, drawn negative comments and created problems when choosing clothing to cover them up. A similar study 10 years ago found that more men than women sought tattoo removal.
JUST FOR FUN
Are you religious? If you have a TV or have a photograph of an animal then Afghanistan thinks you’re evil! And that’s just the beginning!
I’m not the most religious guy in the world. I have my faults, but I had no idea how evil I really was until reading about the nation of Afghanistan and the Islamic religion. Recently they banned a lot of stuff in an effort to make people more religious. Included on the banned list were TV, live music, and photographs of people and animals. They’ve now also banned playing cards, neckties, lipstick, nail polish, chessboards, fireworks, statues, greeting cards, cassettes, musical instruments, computer disks, movies, and satellite dishes. All of these things have been banned in Afghanistan in an effort to make people more religious. ***MARLAR: I’m the most evil person on Earth!
THINGS THAT TAKE YEARS TO LEARN
- The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD WITHOUT YELLING OR SPANKING
(modernmom.com) Discipline is a touchy subject. Every family has their own methods. One thing we all have in common? Our kids act up. Let’s face it, there comes a time when your child will misbehave at home, or worse, when you’re out in public at the mall, park or when visiting friends and family. Sometimes your initial instinct is to yell, “Stop!” (or heaven forbid, spank your child). Because research shows that yelling and spanking can have short-term and long-term negative effects on kids, it’s important for you to come up with alternative ways to discipline your children.
- Pick Your Battles: Pick your battles. Children are naturally curious and will sometimes say or do things that are seemingly inappropriate. Assess the situation to determine whether a simple talk with your child will improve his behavior, or whether another disciplinary action is necessary.
- Consider Age: Consider your child’s age. Certain discipline methods work best with younger children, rather than older children. Use distraction or removal to discipline children 15 months and younger. Discipline children 3 and younger by ignoring them, especially if they are whining or acting inappropriately to get your attention.
- Be an Example: Show your child the behavior you’d like her to exhibit. The website Parents says that children respond well to this technique, because it gives them an example of what to do, instead of what not to do. Children see this approach as more positive than being told what not to do.
- Use Timeouts: Make a timeout rule and set up a timeout area in your home. When your child misbehaves, make him stop what he’s doing and then direct him to a chair, pillow or space on the floor specifically reserved for timeouts. Timeouts should last one minute per year old. Dr. Bill Sears, a pediatrician and child care author, says that timeouts can be used anywhere by simply finding an unrewarding spot away from distractions.
- Express Disapproval: Express your disapproval when your child misbehaves. Explain to your child the behavior you expect from her and how it makes you feel when she misbehaves. Family Education, a parenting website, suggests that expressing disapproval once is one of the most effective ways to change a child’s behavior.
- Stick to the Rules: Stick to the rules you set for your child. Once you announce your expectations, reinforce the behaviors you want to see.
- Recognize: Remember to recognize and reward your child when he behaves well. Express your approval with words, but also offer your child a special reward such as his favorite treat, or better, a big hug to show how proud you are.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Back-to-school shopping is seen by many as a tedious, yearly task. But what if you could make it meaningful? What if you could make back-to-school shopping this year more of a missions trip? For countless kids around the nation, school supplies aren’t even on their radar, much less new clothes and shoes. So, as you take your kids shopping for Back-to-school items this year, you might also consider buying doubles of a few things to help another child somewhere to also be able to attend school. Find a church near you that is already doing this to make your donation – or start a campaign at your own church! (Want to donate online to this kind of idea? Check out MissionBackpack.org.)
Architects in Dubai are creating a skyscraper that will be over 2300 feet, or just under a half mile, high. According to CNN, when completed the Skyscraper will break 5 world records. It will include the worlds largest indoor ski slope, the largest dancing fountain, the tallest residential tower, and the highest restaurant. The skyscraper will also include a 300 meter sandy beach, a mall, and room for more than 78-thousand residents. However, at 711 meters tall, the building still won’t be the worlds tallest artificial structure. That honor belongs to an 830 meter tall building also located in Dubai. http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/05/travel/dubai-leisure-complex/
McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC, and Taco Bell have all admitted to having secret menus comprised of food items that you won’t see on the menu board. Secret sandwiches include the Land, Air, and Sea burger at some McDonald’s, composed of Chicken, a Fish Patty, and a hamburger. At Taco Bell, try the Incredible Hulk, which takes a beef burrito, and replaces the cheese with Guacamole giving it a green look. And KFC has the Zinger Stacker, composed of two zinger fillets, mixed with cheese, lettuce, a spicy sauce, and chili relish. But the most impressive, or scary, might just be the Suicide Burger from Burger King. It’s made of four beef patties, four slices of cheese and four slices of bacon, all between two buns. It might just clog your artery just thinking about it. http://ow.ly/QHYnf
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I believe global warming is real … but only in the summer.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
The 2015 list of Best Christian Workplaces has been released. Certified, no less. It is based on research conducted by the Best Christian Workplaces Institute. Great name.
According to their press release, “Certified Best Christian Workplaces are global and represent all facets of ministries from churches, private schools, universities, parachurch missions, product and services, book publishers and radio stations. This year we have added Christian led businesses.” Wow…that’s some collection!
True to their previous research, the BCWI surveyed more than 180,000 employees. They ask more than 50 questions. Apparently organizations have valued being on this list with a number of them surveying staff “to discover the health of their workplace culture.” For a complete list of results check the website. (http://www.bcwinstitute.com/bcwlists.html)
I always scan the list to see how many Chicago area organizations are on it. Also to see who is NOT on it. And to appreciate the organizations I’m connected to in one way or another.
For example, my radio show producer is a graduate of Olivet Nazarene University. They made the list. Last week, I did my radio show at the Global Leadership Summit at Willow Creek Church in Barrington, Illinois. They’re ALWAYS on the list. The Coalition for Christian Outreach in Pittsburgh made the list. A highly reputable group I’ve known from my days in “The ‘Burgh.”
Several ministry organizations, whose leaders I know, are NOT on the list. To be fair, that is because a ton of these people do not enlist in the survey process. In one case I know of, failure to make the list three or four years running caused this one organization to step back and try to figure out why! Good idea.
So I decided to think of what really should characterize a “Christian Workplace” — be it for profit or nonprofit. I really don’t like using “Christian” as an adjective. But for this exercise, I accept the term as an environment where Christ-like attitudes are the prevailing mindset. And I have a short list. Not a complete list. A short list.
First, it should be a place of safety. Can a person speak openly and freely about legitimate concerns and not worry about losing their job? Can a person ask difficult questions? Does the person feel “safe”?
Secondly, does the company encourage advancement? This is a difficult and challenging area for several reasons. Finding the right people for the right job only to lose them after training is painful. Also, once a team is in place and is functioning well, having key members advance out makes it difficult. But if our mindset is to grow and encourage others’ development, it is part of the cost.
Thirdly, how does conflict resolution get handled? Jesus always encouraged relationships to be the priority. When a management level person KNOWS there are strained or dysfunctional relationships, every effort should be made to help those coworkers resolve their issues.
Fourth. How is pay determined? More often these days I hear of “ministry oriented” organizations cutting costs by reducing people to part time to save on benefits. When the value of a person is only as good as a minimum effort of compensation and benefits, can we truly say we have a heart for people?
Fifth…on a list that could easily be longer…is the matter of staying with what is often termed integrity. When commitments are made they are kept. Intentional deception is forbidden. Corners to quality are not cut short in favor of profitability.
A “Christian Workplace” isn’t just about what management does. It is often what management requires. And on this front, it means employees are expected to do the job as outlined. To work a full day and show up on time. Not to “fudge” in their own ways, diminishing performance. And to work with spirit and a good attitude. Certain companies are much better at hiring to these ends, and at holding people accountable, than others.
A sober reminder about work can be found in Ecclesiastes 9:10: “Whatever work you do, do your best, because you are going to the grave, where there is no working, no planning, no knowledge, and no wisdom.” (NCV)
One day, Christ-followers will be given a new heaven and a new earth. And while I didn’t see it listed as one of the “Best Christian Workplaces,” I can assure you…it will be.
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
AUGUST 14, 2014…
The Man From U.N.C.L.E.—Yet another earlier TV action series (reference: “Mission Impossible”) is now brought to the screen. This time, it has to compete with five successful “Mission Impossible” films. Remember the suave Robert Vaughn as Napoleons Solo and David McCallum as his Russian sidekick, Illya Kuryakin. They go against the bad guys who have kidnapped the father of a scientist (Alicia Vikander.) This is in the Sixties with the Berlin Wall. Solo now played by Henry Cavill and Kuryakin by Armie Hammer. Also in the cast is Hugh Grant. Vaughn and McCallum were top stars in their day with McCallum now back on top in “NCIS” as a navy doctor. Guy Ritchie directs. “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Straight Outta Compton—In the 1980’s (and this week at the movies seems to go back in time,) there was the beginning of Hip Hop, especially associated with the group N.W.A. which had Dr. Dre and Ice Cube as members. They don’t play themselves, but Ice Cube’s son (O’Shea Jackson Jr.) portrays him as a youth and Corey Hawkins is Dr. Dre. The story of the groups rise in music is told against street rioting of that time. Profanity here and beware of the R rating.
Underdogs—This animated film is about two rivals from childhood. Voices of Matthew Morrison from “Glee” and Nicholas Hoult who meet as adults and start the rivalry all over again. One is a soccer player and the other wants to demolish the field for real estate purposes. Other voices include Kate Hudson, Ariana Grande and John Luguizamo. “Underdogs” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for animation fans.
Shaun The Sheep Movie–Claymation as an animation art form, has its fans, and this film goes with the best of them like “Wallace & Gromit.” In this story, done by Claymation Studio Aardman, a herd of sheep must pull themselves together and go to the Big City to find their owner, a farmer, who can’t remember anything. This involves humor such as the sheep going to a restaurant and then to an animal shelter. There are no voices here, rather sounds. This film is based on a British teleivision show. “Shaun The Sheep Movie” is rated PG. and rated 3 for fans and you know who you are.
Ten Thousand Saints—This coming of age film set in the 1980’s, stars Hailee Steinfeld, Asa Butterfield, Emile Hirsch and Emily Mortimer, who hang out together as teens. When Emily discovers she is pregnant and the father has died, the group decides to raise the baby by themselves. Study of drug use and yippies. “Ten Thousand Saints“ is rated R. No rating., Book by Eleanor Henderson.
AUGUST 21, 2014…
Digging for Fire has a young, married couple finding a weapon and bones and over a weekend trying to figure out what is going on. Stars Jake Johnson and Anna Hendrick.
Sinister 2 carries on the theme of the first film in which people are haunted by spirits.
Stars Shannon Sossamon.
Sleeping With Other People stars Jason Sudiekis as a guy who regularly cheats and tries to reform.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.