August 22, 2015: Saturday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150822

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m planning a sensational (JOCK SHOW). I’m still planning it… and one day that show will be ready for you to hear. Until then, you’re stuck with today’s show.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Great peace have those who love your Law, and nothing causes them to stumble.” –Psalm 119:165

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. — Proverbs 3:5-6

 

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me — a prayer to the God of my life. — Psalm 42:8

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth. — John 4:24

 

Thought: Without the Spirit, we are not children of God. Without the Spirit, the cleansing power of Jesus’ sacrifice would not be fully implemented in us. Without the Spirit, we cannot worship God in the ways he wants because God is Spirit. Our worship must be “Spirit to Spirit” and done in a way that pleases God and that is according to his will.

 

Prayer: Holy and Almighty God, I want to be one of your worshipers. I want to worship you “Spirit to Spirit.” I want to honor you by worshiping you according to your will. In all of my life and all of my praise, I want you to be honored. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Proverbs 8:22 NIV = “The LORD brought me forth as the first of his works, before his deeds of old;

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – AUGUST 22, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 128 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is POCKET-PHONE DAY. British Telecom introduced the first pocket-phones on this date in 1989. ***MARLAR: They were so big they instantly ripped through your pockets.

 

Today is NATIONAL TOOTH FAIRY DAY.  ***MARLAR: I caught my mom late one night when I was young. I’d lost my tooth the night before, and I woke up that night and saw my mom with her hand under my pillow. I was ticked. “MOM! The tooth fairy left that money for me!”

 

Today is BE AN ANGEL DAY. The Angel Heights Healing Center of Upperco, Maryland, encourages you to do something nice for someone today. ***MARLAR: Do you know what I think would be nice? If people would only send me emails that are properly punctuated and correctly spelled.

 

Today is NATIONAL PUNCTUATION DAY.  ***MARLAR: And this is a real pet-peeve of mine.  I get emails all of the time with people that refuse to use punctuation or even capitalization in any way shape or form.  A three page long email could have no period or exclamation points at all.  It’s just one big run-on sentence from start to finish.  It’s annoying – and for those of us who actually paid attention in English class and decided to put that knowledge to use in the real world, it’s painful to read.  Please… capitalize the letter “I” if you’re talking about yourself.  If it’s the end of sentence, please use a period or other punctuation mark to let us know that it’s the end of the sentence.  And be sure to begin the next sentence by capitalizing the first letter.  Please, for the sake of sanity.

Now, for sake of demonstration, let me repeat everything I’ve said in the form of how these emails occasionally come to me.  Please feel free to scream at anytime during the next run-on sentence:

and this is a real pet-peeve of mine i get emails all of the time with people that refuse to use punctuation or even capitalization in any way shape or form a three page long email could have no period or exclamation points at all its just one big runon sentence from start to finish its annoying and for those of us who actually paid attention in english class and decided to put that knowledge to use in the real world its painful to read please capitalize the letter i if you’re talking about yourself if its the end of sentence please use a period or other punctuation mark to let us know that its the end of the sentence and be sure to begin the next sentence by capitalizing the first letter please for the sake of sanity now for sake of demonstration let me repeat everything ive said in the form of how these emails occasionally come to me please feel free to scream at anytime during the next run-on sentence

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Be An Angel Day

International Tongue Twister Day

Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day

Take Your Cat To The Vet Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23

Day For The Remembrance of The Slave Trade & Its Abolition

Go Topless Day

Valentino Day

 

MONDAY, AUGUST 24

Knife Day

Pluto Demoted Day

Vesuvius Day

Wayzgoose Day

William Wilberforce Day

National Waffle Iron Day

 

TUESDAY AUGUST 25

Kiss and Make Up Day

National Park Service Day

National Second-hand Wardrobe Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

 

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26

National Dog Day

National Toilet Paper Day

Tug-of-War Day

Women’s Equality Day

 

THURSDAY, AUGUST 27

The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day

 

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28

Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day

Radio Commercials Day

Crackers Over The Keyboard Day

World Daffodil Day

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29

According to Hoyle Day

Franchise Appreciation Day

Individual Rights Day

International Bat Night

International Day Against Nuclear Tests

More Herbs, Less Salt Day

National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

 

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30

International Bat Night

International Day of the Victims of Enforced Disappearances

International Whale Shark Day

National Grief Awareness Day

National Holistic Pet Day

National Toasted Marshmallow Day

Pony Express Day

 

MONDAY, AUGUST 31

International Overdose Awareness Day

Love Litigating Lawyers Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1670: On the island of Martha’s Vineyard, Hiacoomes was ordained as a Puritan minister, the first Native American Christian preacher.

 

1775: Britain’s King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in a state of open rebellion.

 

1902: President Theodore Roosevelt became the first U.S. chief executive to ride in an automobile, in Hartford, Connecticut.

 

1956: Elvis Presley became an actor as work began on the film The Reno Brothers. The movie was released in theatres as Love Me Tender, starring Elvis, Richard Egan, and Debra Paget. ***MARLAR: Elvis died at the end of the movie – as should have his acting career.

 

1968: Country singers George Jones and Tammy Wynette were married.

 

1980: Singer Barry Manilow was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

 

1984: The last Volkswagen Rabbit rolled off the line in Westmoreland, Pennsylvania. Over 11-million of the cars were produced.

 

1985: Workers completed the world’s tallest flagpole in Vancouver, British Columbia. The 282-foot steel pole supports a 205-foot hockey stick. It has since been moved to an auto dealership in Surrey, B.C.

 

1989: Texas Ranger Nolan Ryan fired a 96-mile-an-hour fastball to strike out Oakland’s Rickey Henderson, Nolan’s 5,000th strike out.

 

1997: Rossana Giusti won the job of grave digger at a cemetery in Prato, Italy, after the ten men competing against her all fainted and failed the test. The test was exhuming a body. ***MARLAR: It just amazes me that there would even be eleven people competing for that job!

 

1998: President Clinton announced he had signed an executive order putting Osama bin Laden’s Islamic Army and two of his main lieutenants on a list of terrorist groups.

 

2000: Publishers Clearing House agreed to pay $18 million to 24 states and the District of Columbia to settle allegations it had used deceptive promotions in its sweepstakes mailings.

 

2003: Alabama’s chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for his refusal to obey a federal court order to remove his Ten Commandments monument from the rotunda of his courthouse.

 

2005: Shocked spectators watched as armed thieves stole one of four versions of the Edvard Munch masterpiece ”The Scream” and a second Munch painting, ”Madonna,” from the Munch museum in Oslo, Norway.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

565: Celtic missionary and abbot Columba reportedly confronts the Loch Ness Monster and becomes the first recorded observer of the creature. “At the voice of the saint, the monster was terrified,” wrote his biographer, “and fled more quickly than if it had been pulled back with ropes”

 

1670: English missionary John Eliot founds a church for Native Americans at Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts.

 

1800: Edward B. Pusey, author of Tracts for the Times and a leader of the Oxford Movement to renew the Anglican Church, is born. He wrote several works promoting a union between Anglicans and Roman Catholics, but the Vatican I Ecumenical Council (1869-70) dashed his hopes when it declared the doctrine of papal infallibility.

 

1885: Death of William Paton Mackay, who wrote the hymn “Revive Us Again.” This Scottish Presbyterian had been a doctor before he entered the pulpit.

 

1952: Death of Lewis Sperry Chafer an American Presbyterian theologian and author and educator. Once a traveling evangelist, he founded Dallas Theological Seminary.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Libby Chessler on “Sabrina, The Teenage Witch”) Jenna Leigh Green 41 (
    )
  • Actress (“Laverne & Shirley”, American Graffiti) Cindy Williams, 68 (
    )
  • Actress (“Mary Tyler Moore Show”, “Rhoda”) Valerie Harper, 75 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : John Lee Hooker

1926 : Bob Flanagan (The Four Freshmen)

1938 : Dale Hawkins

1939 : Fred Milano (The Belmonts)

1942 : Joe Chambers (The Chambers Brothers)

1945 : Ron Dante (The Archies, The Cuff Links, The Detergents)

1946 : Gary “Mutha” Withem (Gary Puckett and the Union Gap)

1947 : Donna Godchaux (Grateful Dead)

1948 : David Marks (The Beach Boys)

1949 : Sam Neely

1958 : Ian Mitchell (The Bay City Rollers)

1961 : Debbi Peterson (The Bangles)

1961 : Roland Orzabal (Tears for Fears)

1963 : James DeBarge (DeBarge)

1963 : Tori Amos

1972 : Paul Douchette (Matchbox Twenty)

1973 : Howie Dorough (Backstreet Boys)

1978 : Jeff Stinco (Simple Plan)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do some comedians leave us in “stitches?”

Have you heard this joke? What do you call a man who wears a mask and carries a knife? Answer: a surgeon. Ok, ok, but it does leave some people in “stitches.” So… how can laughing leave us in stitches?  What does laughing hard have to do with getting sewn up with needle and thread? The answer is in the etymology of stitches, which ain’t no laughing matter. Stitches evolved from a Germanic word that meant to stick or jab with a sharp point. Did you ever notice that when you really laugh hard your ribs can hurt? That common cramping or stabbing feeling suggests the pain you might experience from being stuck in the ribs by something sharp. Hence the laughter leaves you in “stitches.” By the way, don’t even think about it… your HMO won’t cover a night out at a comedy club.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Michael W. Smith dedicated a song to Jamie Grace over the weekend. Jamie shared that she asked Michael prior to his time on stage if he was going to sing Friends. She said he just did and, right before starting the song, he said: “Jamie, this is for you.”

 

Third Day’s David Carr has mixed emotions about the limited release of the bands latest worship CD on vinyl. Carr shared this week: I’m excited about the upcoming, limited release of ‘Lead Us Back’ on vinyl. On the other hand, signing 500 of them wasn’t quite as exciting.

 

The Sidewalk Prophets says their new album “Something Different” just got real. Members of the band showed a photo of the copies of their CD that had just arrived and it took a forklift to move all of them. They said: Can’t believe how many of you pre-ordered the record! Thank you times 3. The latest Sidewalk Prophets album will officially release on August 28.

 

Tobymac recently sat down to talk with HLN TV to talk about his new CD and his thoughts on music and on being there for his family. As part of the interview Tobymac shares that, to the best of his ability, he is home at 6pm each evening so he can be with his family. He also says that he doesn’t see his music as specifically Christian. Instead, he says it’s about life and his walk with Christ is a very important part of his life so it comes through in his music. Watch the entire interview at http://t.co/QjaVQoHIUu.

 

Having Drew Holcomb along on tour will probably make Switchfoot and NeedtoBreathe feel a little more safe. Drew joined the members of Switchfoot for some skeet shooting on the Tour De Compadres’ day off and the band members tweeted: We just found out that Drew is a sharp shooter! Whooping all of us in skeet!

 

A word of appreciation from Plumb; she recently shared: I so appreciate the letters I get from fans… You encourage me twice as much as I could ever encourage you.

 

Francesca Battistelli is living the glamorous life. She announced last week that she is pregnant with child number three. This week she added: Real life is throwing up next to a ball field in Nebraska after a 17 hour bus ride. She says morning sickness is hitting her hard.

 

A web site named Fashion Meets God recently sat down with the 19 year-old fashion designer who created the dress worn by Moriah Peters in her music video for Brave. Brandie Ribeiro says the two actually met on Instagram after she used Moriah’s song as background music in a video featuring the creation of her sisters wedding gown. She credited Morish for the song, Moriah heard about it and watched the video, and the rest is history.  http://t.co/KpiBQMIX2D

 

In a time when members of the Police aren’t getting a lot of good press, Casting Crowns Mark Hall made sure he said thank you for the good they do. He tweeted: Atlanta Police Department went above and beyond today to help us find a friend in crisis. Thank you so much for all you guys do.

 

Good news from Jamie Grace; she tweeted this week that her mother is out of the hospital. Mona had surgery last week but had to return to the hospital over the weekend due to severe pain. Jamie added that, while she is now back home again, prayer is still needed. Jamie said: she’s still recovering from the surgery and has some very important appointments this week as we continue down the road of improving her quality of life.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Hurt man, 70, survived week in woods by drinking rain water
AVON, N.Y. (AP) — Authorities say a 70-year-old man who fell while walking the woods near his western New York home survived a week outdoors by drinking rain water. Police say Donald Farrell was following two deer off a trail when he lost his footing and fell on Aug. 9 in Avon. That’s about…

 

Tree pluribus unum: Many fruits stem from artists’ grafts    photo
SYRACUSE, N.Y. (AP) — Plums, peaches, nectarines and cherries all grow on just one of Sam Van Aken’s fruit trees. The trees blossom in a riot of red, white and pink each spring. The artist calls his creations the Tree of 40 Fruit. And the tree at Syracuse University, and others like it,…
Killer deal: ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ house up for sale
PERRYOPOLIS, Pa. (AP) — Celebrate your purchase of this lovely four-bedroom Victorian with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. The house that was used as the home of psychotic killer Buffalo Bill in the 1991 film “The Silence of the Lambs” is up for sale. The production crew took six weeks to…
NY governor: Topless women in Times Square breaking the law    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo says women posing nearly naked for photos in Times Square are breaking the law and undermining efforts to keep the tourist area family friendly. Cuomo said Wednesday on NY1 that the situation is beginning to remind him of the seedy days of the “bad…
Detroit-area mayor seeks ban on personal flamethrowers    photo
DETROIT (AP) — A suburban Detroit official is trying to extinguish the use of personal flamethrowers, which are being sold online by two Midwest companies, in his city. The companies, located in the Detroit area and Cleveland, claim their devices can be used for recreation or to control weeds…
Single bed bug at 911 center costs Pittsburgh county $12,000
PITTSBURGH (AP) — How much does it cost to get rid of a single bed bug? At an emergency dispatch center in Pittsburgh, about $12,000 so far. HASH(0x1415230) The county relocated dispatchers to three backup locations Tuesday so crews could treat the building and clean workstations. That…
Idaho replaces mile marker 420 with 419.9 to thwart stoners    photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — If you’re looking for milepost 420, you won’t find it in Idaho. Idaho transportation officials say the mile marker has been replaced with 419.9 signs to curb thieves eager to own a number associated with marijuana enthusiasts. Turns out, Idaho isn’t alone in this problem….
Man who can’t use his arms has gun possession charge dropped    photo
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — A man who can’t use his arms because of a spinal condition has had a New Jersey gun possession charge against him dropped. HASH(0x13fc300) Authorities say Hubbard and three other men were in a car that ran a red light in Trenton last summer and had a stolen handgun in a…
Kangaroo-type pet on the loose in Arizona
TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) — Authorities say one or two wallaroos, a type of kangaroo, have escaped from a north Tucson home. Pima County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Tracy Suitt said a person reported that at least one pet wallaroo went missing Monday afternoon. A video captured the kangaroo-type…
Woman’s request in obituary: Don’t vote for Hillary Clinton
RUNNEMEDE, N.J. (AP) — A New Jersey woman has used her obituary to make a final request to friends and family: Please don’t vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton for president. Elaine Fydrych’s husband said Wednesday she was a registered Democrat and not “a political person.” But he said she grew…
Buffett fans scolded for leaving homemade toilets at show
MANSFIELD, Mass. (AP) — Parrotheads are apparently too busy wasting away in Margaritaville to wait in line for the bathroom. HASH(0x13d4cd0) Lt. Sam Thompson says the most common model is a 5-gallon bucket with its rim lined with a foam pool noodle for a seat, stashed inside a tent. Thompson…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Scientists find how obesity gene works, a clue to treatment    photo
Scientists have finally figured out how the key gene tied to obesity makes people fat, a major discovery that could open the door to an entirely new approach to the problem beyond diet and exercise. The work solves a big mystery: Since 2007, researchers have known that a gene called FTO was related…

 

Antibiotic-resistant ‘superbug’ found at California hospital
PASADENA, Calif. (AP) — A Los Angeles-area hospital said Wednesday that some of its patients contracted an antibiotic-resistant “superbug” that has been linked to a type of medical scope and infected dozens of people around the country. Huntington Memorial Hospital said in a statement that it…
FDA approves first pill aimed at boosting female libido    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Food and Drug Administration has approved the first prescription drug designed to boost sexual desire in women, a milestone long sought by a pharmaceutical industry eager to replicate the blockbuster success of impotence drugs for men. But stringent safety measures on…
Rand Paul: a humanitarian in Haiti, a pit bull in 2016 race    photo
CAP-HAITIEN, Haiti (AP) — Even while fighting blindness in the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere this week, Republican presidential contender Rand Paul intensified political attacks against rivals in both parties, vowing to continue pressing billionaire businessman Donald Trump in…
Q&A: What you need to know about new female libido pill    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health officials on Tuesday approved the first-ever prescription drug intended to treat women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, ending a vigorous debate over the drug’s fate. The daily pill, called Addyi, comes with warnings about risks of fainting if it is…
Female libido pill took long, winding route to market
Federal health officials on Tuesday approved the first prescription drug intended to treat women suffering from a lack of sexual desire. The daily pill, which acts on brain chemicals, followed a long, winding path to approval, including two previous rejections by the Food and Drug Administration….
Sierra Leone awaits countdown to Ebola-free declaration    photo
MASSESSEHBEH, Sierra Leone (AP) — It had been five months since the last Ebola case in Musa Kamara’s village when he returned home for festivities to mark the end of Ramadan. Not long after his sudden death in this roadside village, authorities came with a grim message: The killer virus was…
Saudi closes emergency ward after spike in MERS virus cases
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (AP) — Saudi authorities closed an emergency ward in one of the kingdom’s largest hospitals after at least 46 people, including hospital staff, contracted the potentially fatal Middle East respiratory syndrome, also known as MERS, a health official said Wednesday. Dr….
Jimmy Carter to discuss cancer diagnosis publicly    photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Former President Jimmy Carter plans to discuss his recent cancer diagnosis Thursday for the first time since revealing last week that he was ill. Carter, 90, is scheduled to hold a news conference at 10 a.m. at the Carter Center in Atlanta. The event will be closed to the…
Teens’ e-cigarette use linked with later smoking    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Teens who use e-cigarettes are more likely than others to later smoke conventional cigarettes and other tobacco products, a study at 10 Los Angeles high schools suggests. The study doesn’t prove that electronic cigarettes are a “gateway drug” but some doctors say it bolsters…
Jimmy Carter to discuss cancer diagnosis on Thursday    photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter plans to discuss his recent cancer diagnosis, making his first comments since revealing he has the disease last week. The Carter Center on Tuesday said Carter will hold a press conference Thursday morning at its offices in Atlanta. The event…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Sign Maker Strike”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Gordon Douglas, “Grade Cards”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were suffering from having so much to do in their daily schedules. So much, in fact, that they even stopped sleeping just to get everything done! Planners, DayTimers, lists, appointments, it was getting so bad they didn’t have time for anything else!
CLOSE: Sounds like the animals, in their rush to get things done, don’t even have time now for common courtesy and niceness! Tune in again next time for more of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 22/23, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode in the never ending saga that is As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was singing show tunes and getting ready to go on a picnic. He had everything ready to go and was just about to take off when Millard the Monkey stopped by…

 

CLOSE: The best picnic the jungle animals have ever had… now that DOES sound like fun! We’ll find out how much fun next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Is it possible to legally park in an illegal parking zone?  How about illegally parking in a legal parking zone?

A guy in England (Salford) is facing more than $1,000 in tire damage and a ticket after parking his car in what appeared to be a legal space in the town of Salford. Not only did he get a parking ticket but Nasser Khan says his tires were partially melted by a machine that painted a yellow “no parking” line under his car while he was at work. Khan says there wasn’t a yellow no-parking line along the curb when he found the parking place in the morning. It seems that while Khan was gone, workers for the firm hired to paint yellow parking restriction lines were a bit overzealous and didn’t let his parked car prevent them from completing their task.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING KIDS

 

  1. It’s more fun to color outside the lines.

 

  1. If you’re gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

 

  1. Ask why until you understand.

 

  1. Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.

 

  1. It doesn’t matter who started it.

 

  1. Ask for sprinkles.

 

  1. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

 

  1. Save a place in line for your friends.

 

  1. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

 

  1. Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you call 911 and ask to be taken to jail – you very well may get your wish.

 

FILE #1: Authorities in Plant City, Florida, arrested a man for misusing the 911 system after he begged authorities to take him to jail. The Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office said Peiter Vanvliet, 47, repeatedly phoned 911 to say there was a warrant for his arrest and that he would wait for deputies to come and cuff him. However, there was no warrant and Vanvliet was not being sought in connection with any crimes – until he committed the crime of misusing the 911 system.

 

FILE #2: St. Paul police followed a trail of Cheetos to nab three teens expected of burglarizing a vending machine. Officers were called to the Arlington Recreation Center where they found a vending machine’s glass had been shattered with a chair. Most of the candy and chips were missing. But police were able to follow an orange, dusty trail from the Rec center to a nearby home, where they found numerous vending-sized bags of Cheetos and other snacks. Police arrested three men aged 17, 18 and 19. All three denied any involvement in the theft.

 

FILE #3: A 69-year-old Milwaukee man was recently treated for a minor heart ailment after he chased down a mugger. The mugger, who was rather large, had put Joe Balistreri in a bear hug in order to steal his money. He got away with the cash and turned to run. That’s when the senior citizen took after him and — believe it or not — eventually caught him and knocked him down and held him until police arrived. How much money did he have in his wallet you ask? $4!

 

STRANGE LAW: In New Jersey it is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A woman has gotten a ticket for riding a stolen horse down the main street in a small town in northwestern South Carolina. The 40-year-old woman was given a ticket for disorderly conduct after a pedestrian flagged down an officer and told them the woman was about to fall off the horse. The sheriff’s report said an officer found a large tan horse tied to a bench at a convenience store and found the woman trying to use a phone inside. The report said the woman’s speech was slurred, she had an aroma of alcohol and was unsteady on her feet. She said she was riding the horse to her boyfriend’s house.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Did you ever meet a celebrity when you were a kid? Who’s the most famous person that you ever met?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What bird does the lover in the Song of Solomon compare his beloved’s eyes to?
ANSWER: The dove (Song of Solomon 1:15)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How much coffee would you have to drink in order to get a lethal dose of caffeine?
ANSWER: You would have to drink 100 cups of coffee in four hours to get the lethal dose of caffeine–ten grams.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The 1964 coin that many Americans tend to save rather than spend is the Kennedy half-dollar. (True)

 

  1. Winston Churchill shared breakfast in bed with a parrot named Toby. (True)

 

  1. The Civil War was raging when isolationists adopted the motto “America first.” (False, World War I)

 

  1. Delta Airlines started out as the first crop-dusting outfit to battle boll weevils. (True)

 

  1. George Bush Jr. wrote a 35,000-word manifesto the New York Times and Washington Post published on September 18, 1995. (False, The Unabomber)

 

  1. St. Jonah was originally taken to Ireland as a slave in 405 A.D.. (False, St. Patrick)

 

  1. The Andrea Doria shipwreck killed more divers exploring it than the 52 people who sank with it. (True)

 

  1. An average of 20 people shoot at the Goodyear blimp each year. (True)

 

  1. The most common word used in the English language is “A”. (False, it’s “the”)

 

  1. Belize is the smallest country in the world. (False, it’s Vatican City at 0.2 square miles)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Man Eats 103 ______________ In Eight Minutes”  (Hamburgers)

In another first in extreme eating competitions, 23-year-old Joey Chestnut of San Jose, California set a new world record by downing 103 Krystal hamburgers in just 8 minutes to take home the $10,000 first prize. He broke the former record of 97 by Japan’s Takeru Kobayashi. Go America!  (That’s a hamburger every four or five seconds!)

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal attorney in town?”
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, “Yes, but we can’t prove it yet!”

 

JOKE #2

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.


For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

 

JOKE #3

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

“E” is the most frequently used letter in the alphabet. “Q” is the least. ***MARLAR: I find that quite quizzical and quirky; and you can quote me. Okay, I’ll quit now and be quiet.

 

People who take the herb Ginkgo Biloba are 24 percent less likely to die over a 13-year period reports a new study.  ***MARLAR: What the heck does that mean?  Hey, sign me up for some Gingko Biloba, because I hate the idea of dying over a span of thirteen years.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

FISHING

To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and hold it taut while I reeled it back in.
A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a double take.  “I don’t know what you’re using for bait,” he said to me, “but I’ll take a dozen.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WEDDING WACKINESS

Gary Sharp wants to act as best man at a wedding… and then he will act as the groom… and then he’ll act as father of the bride! All in one day!

Gary Sharp wants to be a best man, a groom and a father of the bride all in the same day. At noon he hopes to be his son’s best man when Jason Sharp weds Christine Heath. About 20 minutes later or however long it takes for everyone to change clothes Gary Sharp will take Darlene Chiocco as his bride. Following their ceremony, there will be another quick change, and the new groom will give away his daughter, Amanda Dawn Sharp, as she weds Kevin Todd Larue. The triple wedding will take place at the family farm. Although it may sound complicated, the plan works well for all three couples according to one of the brides.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MIND YOUR MANNERS

When my son was around 4 years old, he went to the local drug store with me one afternoon. While in the check out he noticed a bald-headed man behind us in line. I had, as good moms do, been teaching him how to use good manners, especially when in public. I noticed the man the same time my son did and just prayed that he would remember what I had taught him.

Within seconds, at an unusually quiet moment in the store, my son proclaimed, “Look mama, that man ain’t got no hair!” The man was understanding, even thinking this was cute so he smiled at my son.

Next, without warning, my son shouted, “And look, he ain’t got no teeth either!!”

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. To make this even worse, while in the parking lot, the man walked over and spoke very kindly to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his false teeth, and said, “I do have my teeth, I just haven’t brushed yet.”

My son has never had a cavity and he is now twenty years old. I guess some lessons are learned in the oddest ways.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

KEEP THE GOAL IN VIEW

Read: 1 Timothy 4:1-11

Reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness. —1 Timothy 4:7

Bible scholar William Barclay tells of his walks through the meadow with his bull terrier Rusty. Whenever his dog came to a shallow creek, he jumped in and started removing stones, one by one, dropping them haphazardly on the shore. This pointless activity would go on for hours.

Barclay says that Rusty’s strange behavior reminds him of some self-proclaimed experts on the Bible. They expend enormous energy and countless hours trying to interpret obscure passages, but all their effort does nothing to edify themselves or others.

Through the years I have received long letters from people like that. Some show me how to know exactly who the Antichrist will be. Others claim to have found the key to certain Bible mysteries by studying the meaning of names in the lists of genealogies.

Apparently there were some teachers in Ephesus who were trying to impress the believers by weaving myths and fables into their interpretation of the Bible. But what they taught did nothing to promote godliness. It was therefore as pointless as Rusty’s stone removal project.

Paul said to Timothy, “Exercise yourself toward godliness.” That’s the most important goal to keep in view as we study the Bible. —Herb Vander Lugt

 

Oh, grant us grace, Almighty Lord!
To read and mark Thy holy Word,
Its truths with meekness to receive,
And by its holy precepts live. —Boddome

 

Don’t study the Bible to be able to quote it; study it to obey it.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

TV OR NOT TV… THAT IS THE QUESTION


Villagers in Southern Italy are to trying living without television for the next 15 days. The 3,000 people in Cerisano in Calabria, are participating in the experiment to try and establish whether the lack of TV can restore “a sense of community” by encouraging neighborly contact and “forcing people to talk to each other”. All 3,000 inhabitants have agreed not only to turn off their television sets, but also to cover them with specially provided covers so that they no longer offer a “visible temptation”.  ***MARLAR: One TV-aholic said, “Neighbors? I have neighbors?”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

DANGERS OF THE INTERNET

Consumer Reports magazine says many consumers are still lax when it comes to online security.

A survey by Consumer Reports estimates that U.S. consumers have lost about $8.5 billion over the last two years to viruses, spyware and phishing schemes. In addition, the magazine estimates that American consumers have replaced about 2.1 million computers over the past couple ofyears because of online threats. On the flip side, CR estimates the chances of becoming a victim of cyberspace crime continues to decline. In 2007, there was a 1-in-4 chance of being ripped off online; now the chances are 1-in-6.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

‘JAWS’ SIGHTING A HOAX

A 60-year-old man was charged with disorderly conduct for lying about seeing two great white sharks off a Martha Vineyard’s beach. Edgartown police said Michael Lopenzo warned people to get out of the water at the Joseph Silva State Beach on Thursday. Lopenzo claimed he had seen two sharks about 22 feet long and 3,000 pounds each while he was working on a fishing boat. Officials closed the beach, but investigators later determined Lopenzo was lying. A second beach was closed on the island – where the movie “Jaws” was filmed – after lifeguards said they might have seen a great white shark. The beaches were reopened the next day. While “Jaws” scared the wits out of a generation of film fans, experts note shark attacks are extremely rare in waters off New England.  ***MARLAR: After seeing JAWS the first time I was too scared to get into any water! Oceans, lakes, swimming pools… bathtubs…

 

 

FUN LIST

TRUISMS
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
If the shoe fits……buy it in every color.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THE FIVE MOST COMMON WAYS TO CATCH A COLD OR THE FLU

  • A handshake. If you’re doing public appearances, wash your hands often, and above all, don’t touch your face.
  • A telephone. Those cold viruses can lie in wait just about anywhere.
  • A close-range sneeze. Medical experts have been saying lately that if you have to sneeze or cough, do it into the inside of your elbow.
  • Eating from common utensils – like sharing a straw, fork, spoon, etc.
  • A kiss.

 

 

PREVENT THE FLU – SOME GOOD ADVICE

The only portals of entry are the nostrils and mouth/throat. So follow these simple steps!

  1. Gargle twice a day with warm salt water or Listerine. *H1N1 takes 2-3 days after initial infection in the throat/nasal cavity to proliferate and show characteristic symptoms. Simple gargling prevents proliferation. In a way, gargling with salt water has the same effect on a healthy individual that Tamiflu has on an infected one.  Don’t underestimate this simple, inexpensive, and powerful preventative method.
  2. Blow the nose hard once a day and swab both nostrils with cotton buds dipped in warm salt water is very effective in bringing down viral population.
  3. Boost your natural immunity with foods that are rich in Vitamin C If you have to supplement with Vitamin C tablets, make sure that it also has Zinc to boost absorption.
  4. Drink as much of warm liquids (tea, coffee, etc) as you can. Drinking warm liquids has the same effect as gargling, but in the reverse direction.  They wash off proliferating viruses from the throat into the stomach where they cannot survive, proliferate or do any harm.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

SCIENCE SAYS “LOVE THY NEIGHBOR!”

Science has just confirmed the golden rule.

According to Relevant Magazine, A team from the University of Michigan looked at the cardiovascular health of a group of more than people over the age of 50 for four years, asking them to also score themselves on questions that gauge the quality of their relationships with their neighbors and fellow community members. The study revealed a strong link between heart health and loving thy neighbor. http://relm.ag/1w4kx98

 

Religion can help people deal with cancer, but only if it’s the right kind of religion. According to Christianity Today, a new analyses in the US journal CANCER looked at the impact of religious belief on physical, mental and ‘social’ health and the patients’ ability to maintain their social roles and relationships during their illness. It found that religious people had less pain, better mental health and were better able to carry on functioning than non-religious people. However, the study found that much depended on how someone actually experienced their religion, with those whose faith was emotionally satisfying and supportive faring better than those who believed in an angry and judgmental God.  http://bit.ly/1J5LGPI

 

Protestants and Catholics are uniting in China for what they call ‘safe and legal non-violent disobedience.’ According to a Christianity Today report, Several churches held a prayer service recently outside a government office , holding up crosses and banners that read, “Can’t remove the cross in our hearts,” The government has torn down hundreds of giant red crosses from church buildings over the past two years. Now Chinese Protestants and Catholics are joining together to put red crosses—albeit much smaller ones—back in the public eye. In an online campaign, church leaders in the eastern province of Zhejiang have called on Christians to craft hundreds of small wooden crosses, paint them red, and display them at home or on their cars. http://bit.ly/1SCazao

 

After having their bikes stolen, engineering students in Chile took matters into their own hands by creating what they describe as the unstealable bike. The invention features a seat that detaches and converts into a lock around the basic pole, all in less than 30 seconds. While stealing the bike is still technically possible, engineers say thieves would have to saw through the bikes frame to remove it from the poll.  http://ow.ly/QHYVi

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The end of the show already? My, how time flies when they make you clean the washrooms in-between the songs.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Would Your Workplace Qualify?

The 2015 list of Best Christian Workplaces has been released. Certified, no less. It is based on research conducted by the Best Christian Workplaces Institute. Great name.

According to their press release, “Certified Best Christian Workplaces are global and represent all facets of ministries from churches, private schools, universities, parachurch missions, product and services, book publishers and radio stations. This year we have added Christian led businesses.” Wow…that’s some collection!

True to their previous research, the BCWI surveyed more than 180,000 employees. They ask more than 50 questions. Apparently organizations have valued being on this list with a number of them surveying staff “to discover the health of their workplace culture.” For a complete list of results check the website. (http://www.bcwinstitute.com/bcwlists.html)

I always scan the list to see how many Chicago area organizations are on it. Also to see who is NOT on it. And to appreciate the organizations I’m connected to in one way or another.

For example, my radio show producer is a graduate of Olivet Nazarene University. They made the list. Last week, I did my radio show at the Global Leadership Summit at Willow Creek Church in Barrington, Illinois. They’re ALWAYS on the list. The Coalition for Christian Outreach in Pittsburgh made the list. A highly reputable group I’ve known from my days in “The ‘Burgh.”

Several ministry organizations, whose leaders I know, are NOT on the list. To be fair, that is because a ton of these people do not enlist in the survey process. In one case I know of, failure to make the list three or four years running caused this one organization to step back and try to figure out why! Good idea.

So I decided to think of what really should characterize a “Christian Workplace” — be it for profit or nonprofit. I really don’t like using “Christian” as an adjective. But for this exercise, I accept the term as an environment where Christ-like attitudes are the prevailing mindset. And I have a short list. Not a complete list. A short list.

First, it should be a place of safety. Can a person speak openly and freely about legitimate concerns and not worry about losing their job? Can a person ask difficult questions? Does the person feel “safe”?

Secondly, does the company encourage advancement? This is a difficult and challenging area for several reasons. Finding the right people for the right job only to lose them after training is painful. Also, once a team is in place and is functioning well, having key members advance out makes it difficult. But if our mindset is to grow and encourage others’ development, it is part of the cost.

Thirdly, how does conflict resolution get handled? Jesus always encouraged relationships to be the priority. When a management level person KNOWS there are strained or dysfunctional relationships, every effort should be made to help those coworkers resolve their issues.

Fourth. How is pay determined? More often these days I hear of “ministry oriented” organizations cutting costs by reducing people to part time to save on benefits. When the value of a person is only as good as a minimum effort of compensation and benefits, can we truly say we have a heart for people?

Fifth…on a list that could easily be longer…is the matter of staying with what is often termed integrity. When commitments are made they are kept. Intentional deception is forbidden. Corners to quality are not cut short in favor of profitability.

A “Christian Workplace” isn’t just about what management does. It is often what management requires. And on this front, it means employees are expected to do the job as outlined. To work a full day and show up on time. Not to “fudge” in their own ways, diminishing performance. And to work with spirit and a good attitude. Certain companies are much better at hiring to these ends, and at holding people accountable, than others.

A sober reminder about work can be found in Ecclesiastes 9:10: “Whatever work you do, do your best, because you are going to the grave, where there is no working, no planning, no knowledge, and no wisdom.” (NCV)

One day, Christ-followers will be given a new heaven and a new earth. And while I didn’t see it listed as one of the “Best Christian Workplaces,” I can assure you…it will be.

That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

AUGUST 21, 2015…

 

Grandma—What are Grandmother’s for?  Sometimes for a hug and sometimes to help out in a tough situation.  In this film, Lily Tomlin plays the profanity-using grandmother who is asked by her grand-daughter Julia Garner, to help raise money for a personal crisis. Marcia Gay Harden is also in the cast. “Grandma” is an adult film and rated R. No rating.

 

American Ultra—This movie is an action comedy about a rogue government agent who has a target on his back. Everyone wants to get him.  The large cast includes Jesse Eisenberg, Topher Grace, Kristen Stewart and Walton Goggins. “American Ultra” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Digging For Fire—Here is a comedy with dark humor concerning a young, married couple who spend a weekend trying to figure out what is wrong…and right…with their marriage.  The cast includes Jake Johnson, Anna Hendricks and Orlando Bloom. “Digging For Fire” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Sinister 2—Of course, there is another one. In this continuation, a young mother (Shannon Sossamon) and the nine year old twin sons fight evil. The bad spirit wants the children to kill people. James Ransome is the detective trying to help. “Sinister 2” is rated R. No rating.

 

*Note: “Sleeping With Other People” starring Jason Sukeikis is now due to be released September 13.

 

AUGUST 28, 2015…

 

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Green Legend is a sequel to the famous film.

 

Hitman: Agent 47 is based on the game series and stars Rupert Friend.

 

The War Room is a Christian drama about making a marriage work and stars Alex Kendricks.

 

We Are Your Friends is a  music drama starring Zac Efron about trying to build a career in the music business.

 

Regression concerns a young girl trying to regain her memory. Stars Emma Watson.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.