August 22, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160822

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m planning a sensational (JOCK SHOW). I’m still planning it… and one day that show will be ready for you to hear. Until then, you’re stuck with today’s show.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Great peace have those who love your Law, and nothing causes them to stumble.” –Psalm 119:165

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. — Proverbs 3:5-6

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me — a prayer to the God of my life. — Psalm 42:8

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth. — John 4:24

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

You saw with your own eyes the great trials, the miraculous signs and wonders, the mighty hand and outstretched arm, with which the LORD your God brought you out. The LORD your God will do the same to all the peoples you now fear. — Deuteronomy 7:19

Thought: So often we look at the past work of God and think we will not see the display of his power like our predecessors did. But, just as God reminded a new generation of his people that he would go with them and empower them like he had their parents, we also need to expect him to do more than all we can ask or even imagine by his power at work within us! (cf. Ephesians 3:20)

Prayer: Almighty God who is infinitely able to work with power and might, we ask that you use your power to call the unsaved to Jesus in our generation. Please use us to be your tools and do in our day the great work of redemption, reconciliation, and revival like you have done in years gone by. Father, we believe in your power and your desire to save. Please act mightily to redeem our generation. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Proverbs 8:22 NIV = “The LORD brought me forth as the first of his works, before his deeds of old;

TODAY IS MONDAY – AUGUST 22, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
30 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is POCKET-PHONE DAY. British Telecom introduced the first pocket-phones on this date in 1989. ***MARLAR: They were so big they instantly ripped through your pockets.

Today is NATIONAL TOOTH FAIRY DAY.  ***MARLAR: I caught my mom late one night when I was young. I’d lost my tooth the night before, and I woke up that night and saw my mom with her hand under my pillow. I was ticked. “MOM! The tooth fairy left that money for me!”

Today is BE AN ANGEL DAY. The Angel Heights Healing Center of Upperco, Maryland, encourages you to do something nice for someone today. ***MARLAR: Do you know what I think would be nice? If people would only send me emails that are properly punctuated and correctly spelled.

Today is NATIONAL PUNCTUATION DAY.  ***MARLAR: And this is a real pet-peeve of mine.  I get emails all of the time with people that refuse to use punctuation or even capitalization in any way shape or form.  A three page long email could have no period or exclamation points at all.  It’s just one big run-on sentence from start to finish.  It’s annoying – and for those of us who actually paid attention in English class and decided to put that knowledge to use in the real world, it’s painful to read.  Please… capitalize the letter “I” if you’re talking about yourself.  If it’s the end of sentence, please use a period or other punctuation mark to let us know that it’s the end of the sentence.  And be sure to begin the next sentence by capitalizing the first letter.  Please, for the sake of sanity.

Now, for sake of demonstration, let me repeat everything I’ve said in the form of how these emails occasionally come to me.  Please feel free to scream at anytime during the next run-on sentence:

and this is a real pet-peeve of mine i get emails all of the time with people that refuse to use punctuation or even capitalization in any way shape or form a three page long email could have no period or exclamation points at all its just one big runon sentence from start to finish its annoying and for those of us who actually paid attention in english class and decided to put that knowledge to use in the real world its painful to read please capitalize the letter i if you’re talking about yourself if its the end of sentence please use a period or other punctuation mark to let us know that its the end of the sentence and be sure to begin the next sentence by capitalizing the first letter please for the sake of sanity now for sake of demonstration let me repeat everything ive said in the form of how these emails occasionally come to me please feel free to scream at anytime during the next run-on sentence

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day

Take Your Cat To The Vet Day

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23

Day For The Remembrance of the Slave Trade & Its Abolition

Valentino Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUT 24

Knife Day

Pluto Demoted Day

Vesuvius Day

Wayzgoose Day

William Willberforce Day

National Waffle Iron Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25

Kiss and Make Up Day

National Park Service Day

National Second-hand Wardrobe Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26

National Dog Day

National Toilet Paper Day

National WebMistress Day

Women’s Equality Day

World Daffodil Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27

Franchise Appreciation Day

International Bat Night

Just Because Day

The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28

Pony Express Day

Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day

Radio Commercials Day

Crackers Over The Keyboard Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 29

According To Hoyle Day

Individual Rights Day

International Day Against Nuclear Tests

More Herbs, Less Salt Day

National Sarcoidosis Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

ON THIS DAY

1670: On the island of Martha’s Vineyard, Hiacoomes was ordained as a Puritan minister, the first Native American Christian preacher.

1775: Britain’s King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in a state of open rebellion.

1902: President Theodore Roosevelt became the first U.S. chief executive to ride in an automobile, in Hartford, Connecticut.

1956: Elvis Presley became an actor as work began on the film The Reno Brothers. The movie was released in theatres as Love Me Tender, starring Elvis, Richard Egan, and Debra Paget. ***MARLAR: Elvis died at the end of the movie – as should have his acting career.

1968: Country singers George Jones and Tammy Wynette were married.

1980: Singer Barry Manilow was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

1984: The last Volkswagen Rabbit rolled off the line in Westmoreland, Pennsylvania. Over 11-million of the cars were produced.

1985: Workers completed the world’s tallest flagpole in Vancouver, British Columbia. The 282-foot steel pole supports a 205-foot hockey stick. It has since been moved to an auto dealership in Surrey, B.C.

1989: Texas Ranger Nolan Ryan fired a 96-mile-an-hour fastball to strike out Oakland’s Rickey Henderson, Nolan’s 5,000th strike out.

1997: Rossana Giusti won the job of grave digger at a cemetery in Prato, Italy, after the ten men competing against her all fainted and failed the test. The test was exhuming a body. ***MARLAR: It just amazes me that there would even be eleven people competing for that job!

1998: President Clinton announced he had signed an executive order putting Osama bin Laden’s Islamic Army and two of his main lieutenants on a list of terrorist groups.

2000: Publishers Clearing House agreed to pay $18 million to 24 states and the District of Columbia to settle allegations it had used deceptive promotions in its sweepstakes mailings.

2003: Alabama’s chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for his refusal to obey a federal court order to remove his Ten Commandments monument from the rotunda of his courthouse.

2005: Shocked spectators watched as armed thieves stole one of four versions of the Edvard Munch masterpiece ”The Scream” and a second Munch painting, ”Madonna,” from the Munch museum in Oslo, Norway.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

565: Celtic missionary and abbot Columba reportedly confronts the Loch Ness Monster and becomes the first recorded observer of the creature. “At the voice of the saint, the monster was terrified,” wrote his biographer, “and fled more quickly than if it had been pulled back with ropes”

1670: English missionary John Eliot founds a church for Native Americans at Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts.

1800: Edward B. Pusey, author of Tracts for the Times and a leader of the Oxford Movement to renew the Anglican Church, is born. He wrote several works promoting a union between Anglicans and Roman Catholics, but the Vatican I Ecumenical Council (1869-70) dashed his hopes when it declared the doctrine of papal infallibility.

1885: Death of William Paton Mackay, who wrote the hymn “Revive Us Again.” This Scottish Presbyterian had been a doctor before he entered the pulpit.

1952: Death of Lewis Sperry Chafer an American Presbyterian theologian and author and educator. Once a traveling evangelist, he founded Dallas Theological Seminary.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Libby Chessler on “Sabrina, The Teenage Witch”) Jenna Leigh Green 42 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Laverne & Shirley”, American Graffiti) Cindy Williams, 69 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Mary Tyler Moore Show”, “Rhoda”) Valerie Harper, 76 (

    )

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : John Lee Hooker

1926 : Bob Flanagan (The Four Freshmen)

1938 : Dale Hawkins

1939 : Fred Milano (The Belmonts)

1942 : Joe Chambers (The Chambers Brothers)

1945 : Ron Dante (The Archies, The Cuff Links, The Detergents)

1946 : Gary “Mutha” Withem (Gary Puckett and the Union Gap)

1947 : Donna Godchaux (Grateful Dead)

1948 : David Marks (The Beach Boys)

1949 : Sam Neely

1958 : Ian Mitchell (The Bay City Rollers)

1961 : Debbi Peterson (The Bangles)

1961 : Roland Orzabal (Tears for Fears)

1963 : James DeBarge (DeBarge)

1963 : Tori Amos

1972 : Paul Douchette (Matchbox Twenty)

1973 : Howie Dorough (Backstreet Boys)

1978 : Jeff Stinco (Simple Plan)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do some comedians leave us in “stitches?”

Have you heard this joke? What do you call a man who wears a mask and carries a knife? Answer: a surgeon. Ok, ok, but it does leave some people in “stitches.” So… how can laughing leave us in stitches?  What does laughing hard have to do with getting sewn up with needle and thread? The answer is in the etymology of stitches, which ain’t no laughing matter. Stitches evolved from a Germanic word that meant to stick or jab with a sharp point. Did you ever notice that when you really laugh hard your ribs can hurt? That common cramping or stabbing feeling suggests the pain you might experience from being stuck in the ribs by something sharp. Hence the laughter leaves you in “stitches.” By the way, don’t even think about it… your HMO won’t cover a night out at a comedy club.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns will be featuring on TBN next month. Guitarist Josh Mix says the band was filming new songs this week for the broadcast. It will air on September 16.

Joel and Luke of For King and Country took to Facebook live this week to answer questions about their upcoming movie Priceless. The first project from the band will release in October. It deals with the difficult subject of human trafficking.  http://ow.ly/3sU3303jO2Q

Hawk Nelson shared a video called The Nelson’s this week. Some of the trivia in the video: front man Jon Steingard is 33, the same age as Jesus when he died; David has a tendency to leave things on planes but the band knows and picks them up for him; and Jon is just now learning to skateboard. In celebration of the Olympics, the band held their own hotel Olympics. https://amp.twimg.com/v/353107cc-215a-4a41-92bc-0885a11f5b5b

The members of for King and Country have kids on board so they say even bus breakdowns can be family bonding time. The band is currently on their Priceless the Movie tour. They posted: What do you do when your bus breaks down? You jump in puddles. Attached was a picture of Luke’s son doing just that. http://twitter.com/4kingandcountry/status/765694160947077120/video/1

The 7th annual Sidewalk Prophets pro pickem is about to begin. If you love pro football join the band for their fantasy football league. http://tinyurl.com/swppickem7 password: livelikethat

Before you watch the movie, you can read the book. For King and Country announced this week that a novel based on the movie Priceless will be available on September 6. The first movie by the band will be in theaters on October 14. http://pricelessthebook.com

Jamie Grace is responding to those who say her songs are too cheesy. She says the expectation is that her songs and podcasts are for little girls. But she says they are for all ages. Hear her entire response… https://youtu.be/wko1nDxmHiA

Joel, from the band for King and Country, recently shared some tips for life on the road. The band was on tour this spring as part of Winter Jam Tour 2016 with Matthew West, Crowder, Lauren Daigle, RED and many more groups. Check out Joel’s top five tips at http://bit.ly/2byJ2rQ.

God’s Not Dead 2 is now available on DVD and Blu-ray. The Newsboys shared the news this week. They posted: If you missed it in theaters, now’s your chance to finally see it! http://www.GodsNotDead.com/buy

Want Third Day’s David Carr to take your picture?  Now you can! He posted this week: “Need to book a photoshoot? I’ll be off the road the entire fall. Message me!” David is a photographer on the side when not touring with Third Day.  http://www.davidcarr.com

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A mother bear and her two cubs broke into a California home recently and chased a resident around. Says owner Rodney Ginn of Mammoth Lakes: “I came home from work my roommate was asleep both doors wide open so I shut them and looked in my kitchen and there she was with her two cubs so I booked it upstairs… they finally left after an hour.”  *** She later found the bears had completely ransacked the house – sleeping in her beds, eating her porridge…

The Pentagon’s computers are reportedly targeted by hackers as many as 250,000 times a year.  *** Which is exactly why they should go with the Hillary Clinton plan – be ultra-safe by keeping their servers in an apartment… in the bathroom…

Stephen Rogata, who scaled Trump Tower on August 10th, said in a video posted to YouTube the day before the climb that he wanted a private meeting with Republican nominee Donald Trump and wanted people to vote for the candidate.  ***Actually, get Trump himself to pull this stunt and I might consider it.

A 102-year-old woman in South Carolina says her daily 4 o’clock routine has helped her reach such a grand old age. Mildred Bowers turns 103 later this month and has told anyone looking to match her time on Earth that a beer a day goes a long way to keeping her feeling fit and young. Bowers currently enjoys a 4 o’clock beer every day in her assisted-living facility, and cites it as a “critical part”.  ***In response, the FDA is now labeling beer as a nutritional supplement.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Can losing your cool be good for you? According to a German study, people who express their anger live two years longer, on average, than those who bottle up their rage. After analyzing 6,000 patients, researchers found that those who internalized their angry feelings ran the risk of an elevated pulse, high blood pressure, and other serious ailments.   Dr. Janet Taylor, a psychiatrist who specializes in stress management, says “It’s really how to express appropriate anger,” she said. “And people who keep it in, the hostility … people who get depressed … certainly have a higher risk for having cardiovascular disease, like heart attacks and even sudden death.”  ***MARLAR: My wife is going to outlive me by decades.

Only a 10 percent chance of showers today, but a 70 percent chance of flu next month.  That’s the kind of forecasting health scientists are trying to move toward, as they increasingly include weather data in their attempts to predict disease outbreaks.   In one recent study, two scientists reported they could predict — more than seven weeks in advance — when flu season was going to peak in New York City. Theirs was just the latest in a growing wave of computer models that factor in rainfall, temperature, or other weather conditions to forecast disease.   Health officials are excited by this kind of work and the idea that it could be used to fine-tune vaccination campaigns or other disease prevention efforts.   At the same time, experts note that outbreaks are influenced as much, or more, by human behavior and other factors as by the weather.  ***MARLAR: So when they report a high pressure system moving in, they might simply be referring to the pressure of the flu-shot needle in your arm.

Eat fiber and live longer. That’s the conclusion from the largest study yet on fiber and longevity. Fiber fights heart disease and certain cancers, and protects us from lung ailments like pneumonia and the flu. If you’re like most Americans, you probably are not eating enough fiber. On average, we eat only about 15 grams a day, but the recommended daily amount is 25 grams for women and 38 grams for men. ***MARLAR: Upside of eating fiber – you live longer.  Downside – you spend that extra amount of life in the bathroom.

The same researchers that discovered men do poorly on tests after interacting with a woman have also discovered that men have trouble with completing tasks after just hearing a woman’s name. Researchers believe the mental energy involved in thinking sexy thoughts slows down other brain functions.  ***MARLAR: The key is keeping out the sexy thoughts – so you can use a woman’s name so long as that name is Rosie O’Donnell.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Self-Help Groups”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kenn Kington, “Road Construction”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, not only were the Cheetah Sisters no longer singing three-part-harmony, but nobody was singing or playing in harmony! Ever since Cheetah Bonita decided to go solo, everyone decided to go solo… and now there’s no more music in the jungle – it’s all just… well… NOISE!


CLOSE: Will Cheetah Bonita be able to run away from the squirrels? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 27/28

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins were running away, terrified of The Plaid Guy! Marvy was running so hard and was so scared that he even dropped his teddy-bear – but then he fell down, and before he could get up, the Plaid Guy was right on top of him!

CLOSE: Well… it’s good to know that The Plaid Guy is actually a friendly guy… but you have to wonder… living alone all these years, how good can his seven cup salad really be? We’ll find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Is it possible to legally park in an illegal parking zone?  How about illegally parking in a legal parking zone?

A guy in England (Salford) is facing more than $1,000 in tire damage and a ticket after parking his car in what appeared to be a legal space in the town of Salford. Not only did he get a parking ticket but Nasser Khan says his tires were partially melted by a machine that painted a yellow “no parking” line under his car while he was at work. Khan says there wasn’t a yellow no-parking line along the curb when he found the parking place in the morning. It seems that while Khan was gone, workers for the firm hired to paint yellow parking restriction lines were a bit overzealous and didn’t let his parked car prevent them from completing their task.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING KIDS

10. It’s more fun to color outside the lines.

9. If you’re gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

8. Ask why until you understand.

7. Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.

6. It doesn’t matter who started it.

5. Ask for sprinkles.

4. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

3. Save a place in line for your friends.

2. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

1. Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you call 911 and ask to be taken to jail – you very well may get your wish.

FILE #1: Authorities in Plant City, Florida, arrested a man for misusing the 911 system after he begged authorities to take him to jail. The Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office said Peiter Vanvliet, 47, repeatedly phoned 911 to say there was a warrant for his arrest and that he would wait for deputies to come and cuff him. However, there was no warrant and Vanvliet was not being sought in connection with any crimes – until he committed the crime of misusing the 911 system.

FILE #2: St. Paul police followed a trail of Cheetos to nab three teens expected of burglarizing a vending machine. Officers were called to the Arlington Recreation Center where they found a vending machine’s glass had been shattered with a chair. Most of the candy and chips were missing. But police were able to follow an orange, dusty trail from the Rec center to a nearby home, where they found numerous vending-sized bags of Cheetos and other snacks. Police arrested three men aged 17, 18 and 19. All three denied any involvement in the theft.

FILE #3: A 69-year-old Milwaukee man was recently treated for a minor heart ailment after he chased down a mugger. The mugger, who was rather large, had put Joe Balistreri in a bear hug in order to steal his money. He got away with the cash and turned to run. That’s when the senior citizen took after him and — believe it or not — eventually caught him and knocked him down and held him until police arrived. How much money did he have in his wallet you ask? $4!

STRANGE LAW: In New Jersey it is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A woman has gotten a ticket for riding a stolen horse down the main street in a small town in northwestern South Carolina. The 40-year-old woman was given a ticket for disorderly conduct after a pedestrian flagged down an officer and told them the woman was about to fall off the horse. The sheriff’s report said an officer found a large tan horse tied to a bench at a convenience store and found the woman trying to use a phone inside. The report said the woman’s speech was slurred, she had an aroma of alcohol and was unsteady on her feet. She said she was riding the horse to her boyfriend’s house.

PHONER PHUN

Did you ever meet a celebrity when you were a kid? Who’s the most famous person that you ever met? Was it a good experience, or were you disappointed?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What bird does the lover in the Song of Solomon compare his beloved’s eyes to?
ANSWER: The dove (Song of Solomon 1:15)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How much coffee would you have to drink in order to get a lethal dose of caffeine?
ANSWER: You would have to drink 100 cups of coffee in four hours to get the lethal dose of caffeine–ten grams.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The 1964 coin that many Americans tend to save rather than spend is the Kennedy half-dollar. (True)

2. Winston Churchill shared breakfast in bed with a parrot named Toby. (True)

3. The Civil War was raging when isolationists adopted the motto “America first.” (False, World War I)

4. Delta Airlines started out as the first crop-dusting outfit to battle boll weevils. (True)

5. George Bush Jr. wrote a 35,000-word manifesto the New York Times and Washington Post published on September 18, 1995. (False, The Unabomber)

6. St. Jonah was originally taken to Ireland as a slave in 405 A.D.. (False, St. Patrick)

7. The Andrea Doria shipwreck killed more divers exploring it than the 52 people who sank with it. (True)

8. An average of 20 people shoot at the Goodyear blimp each year. (True)

9. The most common word used in the English language is “A”. (False, it’s “the”)

10. Belize is the smallest country in the world. (False, it’s Vatican City at 0.2 square miles)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

(NONE TODAY)

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal attorney in town?”
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, “Yes, but we can’t prove it yet!”

JOKE #2

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.


For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

JOKE #3

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

USELESS FACTS

“E” is the most frequently used letter in the alphabet. “Q” is the least. ***MARLAR: I find that quite quizzical and quirky; and you can quote me. Okay, I’ll quit now and be quiet.

People who take the herb Ginkgo Biloba are 24 percent less likely to die over a 13-year period reports a new study.  ***MARLAR: What the heck does that mean?  Hey, sign me up for some Gingko Biloba, because I hate the idea of dying over a span of thirteen years.

FEATURED FUNNIES

FISHING

To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and hold it taut while I reeled it back in.
A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a double take.  “I don’t know what you’re using for bait,” he said to me, “but I’ll take a dozen.” 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WEDDING WACKINESS

Gary Sharp wants to act as best man at a wedding… and then he will act as the groom… and then he’ll act as father of the bride! All in one day!

Gary Sharp wants to be a best man, a groom and a father of the bride all in the same day. At noon he hopes to be his son’s best man when Jason Sharp weds Christine Heath. About 20 minutes later or however long it takes for everyone to change clothes Gary Sharp will take Darlene Chiocco as his bride. Following their ceremony, there will be another quick change, and the new groom will give away his daughter, Amanda Dawn Sharp, as she weds Kevin Todd Larue. The triple wedding will take place at the family farm. Although it may sound complicated, the plan works well for all three couples according to one of the brides.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MIND YOUR MANNERS

When my son was around 4 years old, he went to the local drug store with me one afternoon. While in the check out he noticed a bald-headed man behind us in line. I had, as good moms do, been teaching him how to use good manners, especially when in public. I noticed the man the same time my son did and just prayed that he would remember what I had taught him.

Within seconds, at an unusually quiet moment in the store, my son proclaimed, “Look mama, that man ain’t got no hair!” The man was understanding, even thinking this was cute so he smiled at my son.

Next, without warning, my son shouted, “And look, he ain’t got no teeth either!!”

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. To make this even worse, while in the parking lot, the man walked over and spoke very kindly to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his false teeth, and said, “I do have my teeth, I just haven’t brushed yet.”

My son has never had a cavity and he is now twenty years old. I guess some lessons are learned in the oddest ways.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

KEEP THE GOAL IN VIEW

Read: 1 Timothy 4:1-11

Reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness. —1 Timothy 4:7

Bible scholar William Barclay tells of his walks through the meadow with his bull terrier Rusty. Whenever his dog came to a shallow creek, he jumped in and started removing stones, one by one, dropping them haphazardly on the shore. This pointless activity would go on for hours.

Barclay says that Rusty’s strange behavior reminds him of some self-proclaimed experts on the Bible. They expend enormous energy and countless hours trying to interpret obscure passages, but all their effort does nothing to edify themselves or others.

Through the years I have received long letters from people like that. Some show me how to know exactly who the Antichrist will be. Others claim to have found the key to certain Bible mysteries by studying the meaning of names in the lists of genealogies.

Apparently there were some teachers in Ephesus who were trying to impress the believers by weaving myths and fables into their interpretation of the Bible. But what they taught did nothing to promote godliness. It was therefore as pointless as Rusty’s stone removal project.

Paul said to Timothy, “Exercise yourself toward godliness.” That’s the most important goal to keep in view as we study the Bible. —Herb Vander Lugt

Oh, grant us grace, Almighty Lord!
To read and mark Thy holy Word,
Its truths with meekness to receive,
And by its holy precepts live. —Boddome

Don’t study the Bible to be able to quote it; study it to obey it.

LEFTOVERS

TV OR NOT TV… THAT IS THE QUESTION


Villagers in Southern Italy are to trying living without television for the next 15 days. The 3,000 people in Cerisano in Calabria, are participating in the experiment to try and establish whether the lack of TV can restore “a sense of community” by encouraging neighborly contact and “forcing people to talk to each other”. All 3,000 inhabitants have agreed not only to turn off their television sets, but also to cover them with specially provided covers so that they no longer offer a “visible temptation”.  ***MARLAR: One TV-aholic said, “Neighbors? I have neighbors?”

LIFE… LIVE IT

DANGERS OF THE INTERNET

Consumer Reports magazine says many consumers are still lax when it comes to online security.

A survey by Consumer Reports estimates that U.S. consumers have lost about $8.5 billion over the last two years to viruses, spyware and phishing schemes. In addition, the magazine estimates that American consumers have replaced about 2.1 million computers over the past couple ofyears because of online threats. On the flip side, CR estimates the chances of becoming a victim of cyberspace crime continues to decline. In 2007, there was a 1-in-4 chance of being ripped off online; now the chances are 1-in-6.

JUST FOR FUN

JAWS’ SIGHTING A HOAX

A 60-year-old man was charged with disorderly conduct for lying about seeing two great white sharks off a Martha Vineyard’s beach. Edgartown police said Michael Lopenzo warned people to get out of the water at the Joseph Silva State Beach on Thursday. Lopenzo claimed he had seen two sharks about 22 feet long and 3,000 pounds each while he was working on a fishing boat. Officials closed the beach, but investigators later determined Lopenzo was lying. A second beach was closed on the island – where the movie “Jaws” was filmed – after lifeguards said they might have seen a great white shark. The beaches were reopened the next day. While “Jaws” scared the wits out of a generation of film fans, experts note shark attacks are extremely rare in waters off New England.  ***MARLAR: After seeing JAWS the first time I was too scared to get into any water! Oceans, lakes, swimming pools… bathtubs…

FUN LIST

TRUISMS
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
If the shoe fits……buy it in every color.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

 THE FIVE MOST COMMON WAYS TO CATCH A COLD OR THE FLU

  1. A handshake. If you’re doing public appearances, wash your hands often, and above all, don’t touch your face.

  2. A telephone. Those cold viruses can lie in wait just about anywhere.

  3. A close-range sneeze. Medical experts have been saying lately that if you have to sneeze or cough, do it into the inside of your elbow.

  4. Eating from common utensils – like sharing a straw, fork, spoon, etc.

  5. A kiss.

PREVENT THE FLU – SOME GOOD ADVICE

The only portals of entry are the nostrils and mouth/throat. So follow these simple steps!

1. Gargle twice a day with warm salt water or Listerine. *H1N1 takes 2-3 days after initial infection in the throat/nasal cavity to proliferate and show characteristic symptoms. Simple gargling prevents proliferation. In a way, gargling with salt water has the same effect on a healthy individual that Tamiflu has on an infected one.  Don’t underestimate this simple, inexpensive, and powerful preventative method.

2. Blow the nose hard once a day and swab both nostrils with cotton buds dipped in warm salt water is very effective in bringing down viral population.

3. Boost your natural immunity with foods that are rich in Vitamin C If you have to supplement with Vitamin C tablets, make sure that it also has Zinc to boost absorption.

4. Drink as much of warm liquids (tea, coffee, etc) as you can. Drinking warm liquids has the same effect as gargling, but in the reverse direction.  They wash off proliferating viruses from the throat into the stomach where they cannot survive, proliferate or do any harm.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A loyal dog is being remembered as a hero after sacrificing himself to save his family from four deadly cobras. According to Time, the Doberman and his eight-member family were relaxing in their home in India when four mountain cobras tried to slither in from outside. The dog attacked the reptiles to protect his family and, after a battle that reportedly lasted hours, the Doberman finally killed all four. Sadly, shortly after emerging triumphant, the dog died from the numerous snake bites he received during the fight. Truly man’s best friend!  Read the full story at http://ti.me/29LWTFf.

An Arizona man has used a unique exercise program to lose more than 300 pounds. According to Yahoo News, 31 year old Pasquale “Pat” Brocco began to change his life three years ago when he was warned by his doctor that his weight of 605 pounds and other health issues put his life in serious danger. In response, Pat decided that every time he was hungry, he would walk the 1 mile to his closest Walmart, then back home to eat his meal. He’s now 330 pounds lighter and, because he lost so much weight, he had to have about 30 pounds of excess skin removed. He underwent the surgery last week and is now recovering at home.

http://abcn.ws/2b0sPfs

Christians in India are demanding that a popular food company remove a television commercial that presents an anti-Christian bias. According to CBN, Patanjali Food Limited is airing an advertisement showing a cross over a map of India and mentions that foreign products are harmful to people. The Global Council of India Christians says the cross should not be linked to foreign companies and products, or presented in a negative light.

http://fw.to/ckViTsZ

There are about to be a lot more babies named Simone. According to Time, Google Trends reports that interest in the term ‘Simone baby name’ increased 230% during the month of August. The reason most likely stems from the Olympic achievements of gymnast Simone Biles and swimmer Simone Manuel. Biles has been called “the greatest gymnast of all time” with her five medals: four golds and one bronze. Manuel tied for first in the 100m-freestyle, becoming the first African American woman to win a gold medal in an individual swimming event.  http://ti.me/2bIOYib

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The end of the show already? My, how time flies when they make you clean the washrooms in-between the songs.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 19, 2016…

Ben-Hur—Here is the third re-make of this famous novel by Lew Wallace.  The first was in the 1920’s. the second in 1959 with Charlton Heston (Ben-Hur) and Stephen Boyd as Massala, his nemesis. Oh, that famous chariot race and done live, too.  Well, today, we have Jack Huston as Ben-Hur with Toby Kebbell as the bad guy Messala. Richly done and with plenty of action, we follow the adventures of Ben-Hur from a good life to slavery and back again, against the backdrop of the time of Christ. “Ben-Hur” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Kickboxer: Vengeance—Fans of Jean Claude Van Damme hate to admit it, but now is the time for their martial arts hero to become a Master in films, and that is what happens.  He becomes the Master (coach) to a new fighter  in order to beat the man who killed Van Damme‘s brother.  Who is the villain, you ask?  Why Dave Bautista, no less. The action begins. “Kickboxer: Vengeance: is rated R. No rating.

Kubo And The Two Strings—This is a stop-action anime film that tells the story of a young Asian boy-hero. The voices you may recognize will be Matthew McConaughey (playing a beetle), Rooney Mara and Charlize Theron. “Kubo And The Two Strings” is rated PG. No rating.

The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he speaks to with.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

War Dogs—Based on an article from “Rolling Stone” magazine, the film is about two guys (Seth Rogen and Miles Teller) who win a multi-million dollar arms contract from the US. They are supposed to supply arms to troops in Afghanistan. Well, what a premise, and with Seth Rogen aboard, you know the hilarity will begin. “War Dogs” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Southside With You—This film is about how Michelle Obama and Barack Obama first met and began dating. Who is daring enough to take on these roles?  Tika Sumpter is Michelle and Parker Sawyers plays Barack. Directed by first-timer Richard Tanne. “Southside With You” is rated PG 13. No rating.

AUGUST 26, 2016…

Blood Father is a thriller starring Mel Gibson and about saving family.

Don’t Breathe has teens breaking into a house for a robbery but find trouble. Stars Jane Levy.

Hands of Stone is the story of champion boxer Roberto Duran and stars Edgar Ramirez..

Mechanic: Resurrection has Jason Statham returning in the role and saving his girlfriend.  Again.

The Hollars is written and directed by John Krasinski. It’s about returning to your family and finding them as dysfunctional as ever.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.