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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150823
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I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed I was face to face with God – and he asked me to spell “broccoli.”
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous.” –1 Peter 3:8
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing, and perfect will. — Romans 12:2
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all — how will he not also, along with him, give us all things? — Romans 8:32
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord. — Acts 3:19
Thought: I’m not sure what we fear about repentance (turning our hearts and lives to God)? God will not only receive us; he will also redeem us and remake us. But that repentance is often so hard for us to do. We get stuck in old patterns of destructive and addictive behavior. We believe Satan’s deceptive lies. We use self-deprecating thoughts to defeat the Spirit’s work in ourselves. So why not come clean and confess our sins and truly turn our lives over to God? If we will, we will find something truly refreshing!
Prayer: Holy and righteous Father, I am not sure why I so doggedly hold on to some of my “pet” sins. Part of me wants to break free of these stumbling blocks, but part of me doesn’t. I need your help in turning myself fully over to you. Please send your healing, cleansing, and refreshing power through the Holy Spirit to help me as I commit in my heart to fully and completely turn my life over to you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
1 Kings 8:23 NIV = and said: “O LORD, God of Israel, there is no God like you in heaven above or on earth below—you who keep your covenant of love with your servants who continue wholeheartedly in your way.
TODAY IS SUNDAY – AUGUST 23, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 127 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is HUG YOUR SWEETHEART DAY. ***MARLAR: If you’re calling the person “sweetheart” I’m guessing you have that hug thing down already.
Today is NATIONAL SNEAK OFF TO THE BEACH DAY. Don’t forget the sunscreen. ***MARLAR: Do we even HAVE a beach in northern Illinois without heading to Lake Michigan?
Today is NATIONAL PLUMBERS DAY. ***MARLAR: I would make a comment, but this is the morning show WITHOUT sewer humor, so I must pass on that.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Day For The Remembrance of The Slave Trade & Its Abolition
Go Topless Day
COMING UP NEXT
MONDAY, AUGUST 24
Pluto Demoted Day
William Wilberforce Day
TUESDAY AUGUST 25
Kiss and Make Up Day
National Park Service Day
National Second-hand Wardrobe Day
National Whiskey Sour Day
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26
Women’s Equality Day
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27
The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day
FRIDAY, AUGUST 28
Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day
Radio Commercials Day
Crackers Over The Keyboard Day
SATURDAY, AUGUST 29
According to Hoyle Day
Franchise Appreciation Day
Individual Rights Day
International Bat Night
International Day Against Nuclear Tests
More Herbs, Less Salt Day
National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day
SUNDAY, AUGUST 30
International Bat Night
National Grief Awareness Day
National Holistic Pet Day
National Toasted Marshmallow Day
Pony Express Day
MONDAY, AUGUST 31
Love Litigating Lawyers Day
ON THIS DAY
1882: British Salvation Army worker Charles Fry died at age 45. He wrote the words to, “I Have Found A Friend in Jesus,” also known as “The Lily of the Valley.”
1912: Dancer Gene Kelly was born in Pittsburgh. His movies included “Singing in the Rain,” “Anchors Aweigh,” and “An American in Paris.” He died in 1996 at age 83.
1926: Silent screen idol Rudolph Valentino died, setting off mourning hysteria among his fans.
1962: John Lennon married Cynthia Powell at the Mount Pleasant Registry Office in Liverpool, England. They were divorced in November 1968.
1969: Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue” reached #2 on the U.S. pop charts. It was already a #1 country hit.
1972: The Republican national convention, meeting in Miami Beach, nominated Vice President Spiro T. Agnew for a second term.
1975: “Fleetwood Mac” entered the Billboard album chart. It was the group’s first album featuring Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks.
1977: The FDA approved Tagamet, a new drug developed in Britain to treat ulcers. It was already being used in England, Canada, and Mexico.
1989: In a call for independence, an estimated one million people linked arms in a human chain that stretched 400 miles across much of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania.
1991: In Lansing, Michigan, 250 gerbils chewed their way out of shipping boxes and scampered though the airport. Most were gerbilnapped by airport visitors.
1993: The rock group Duran Duran got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
1999: Berlin once again became the capital of Germany.
2000: Richard Hatch was the winning castaway on the CBS TV show, “Survivor.” Hatch won $1 million for his stay on the island of Pulau Tida in the South China Sea.
2003: A 47-year-old German man lost his driver’s license after failing to perform any of the required actions on an alcohol test. The test in Koblenz was noteworthy because the man’s dog, a West Highland white terrier, executed all the commands perfectly, including a 360-degree turn as his master staggered and fell.
2004: In Athens, Jeremy Wariner became the sixth consecutive American to win the Olympic title in the 400 meters, leading a U.S. sweep of the medals.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1572: Catherine de Medici sends her son, young King Charles IX of France, into a panic with threats of an imminent Huguenot (French Protestant) insurrection. Frenzied, he yelled, “Kill them all! Kill them all!” In response, Catholics in Paris butchered the Huguenots who had come to the city for a royal wedding. Between 5,000 and 10,000 Protestants died in the St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre.
1723: Increase Mather, one of Colonial America’s most famous clergymen, dies. Friends and colleagues mourned him as “the patriarch . . . among us”
1948: The “fellowship of churches which accept our Lord Jesus Christ as God and Savior” (a.k.a. the World Council of Churches) is formally constituted in Amsterdam.
1926: Death of Methodist holiness clergyman Russel K Carter. He wrote the hymn favorite, “Standing on the Promises.”
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actor (Jerry McGuire) Jay Mohrm, 45
- Actress (“Cheers,” The Money Pit) Shelley Long 66 (
- singer-actor Rick Springfield 66
- actor Ronnie Cox 77
- Actress (“I Dream of Jeanie”) Barbara Eden, 81 (
- TV host/satirist Mark Russell, 83
- actress (Psycho, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance) Vera Miles 85
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1912 : Gene Kelly
1917 : Tex Williams
1936 : Rudy Lewis (The Drifters)
1941 : Pete Shannon (Nashville Teens)
1942 : Tony “Spaghetti” Micale (The Reflections)
1942 : Roger Greenaway (Blue Mink)
1946 : Keith Moon
1946 : Jim Sohns (The Shadows Of Knight)
1946 : Keith Moon (The Who)
1949 : Rick Springfield
1951 : Mark Hudson (The Hudson Brothers)
1951 : Jimi Jamison (Survivor)
1960 : Steve Clark (Def Leppard)
1961 : Dean DeLeo (Stone Temple Pilots)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do freight trains with two or more locomotives often have at least one turned backwards?
You’ve seen this on long freight trains, haven’t you? How in the world did they end up with backwards locomotives? It looks as if it’s a contest to see in which direction the train will move once the locomotives start to pull. Is this any way to run a railroad? A key element here is the fact that locomotives are bi-directional: they can move and pull a load just as well no matter which end is pointed forward. The other factor is that it isn’t easy to turn one of them around and it’s time consuming. So why bother? Of course the first locomotive at the front of the train will always face forward. Anything else would look stupid. And any engineer willing to run a train while facing the rear is probably operating with a loose caboose.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Michael W. Smith dedicated a song to Jamie Grace over the weekend. Jamie shared that she asked Michael prior to his time on stage if he was going to sing Friends. She said he just did and, right before starting the song, he said: “Jamie, this is for you.”
Third Day’s David Carr has mixed emotions about the limited release of the bands latest worship CD on vinyl. Carr shared this week: I’m excited about the upcoming, limited release of ‘Lead Us Back’ on vinyl. On the other hand, signing 500 of them wasn’t quite as exciting.
The Sidewalk Prophets says their new album “Something Different” just got real. Members of the band showed a photo of the copies of their CD that had just arrived and it took a forklift to move all of them. They said: Can’t believe how many of you pre-ordered the record! Thank you times 3. The latest Sidewalk Prophets album will officially release on August 28.
Tobymac recently sat down to talk with HLN TV to talk about his new CD and his thoughts on music and on being there for his family. As part of the interview Tobymac shares that, to the best of his ability, he is home at 6pm each evening so he can be with his family. He also says that he doesn’t see his music as specifically Christian. Instead, he says it’s about life and his walk with Christ is a very important part of his life so it comes through in his music. Watch the entire interview at http://t.co/QjaVQoHIUu.
Having Drew Holcomb along on tour will probably make Switchfoot and NeedtoBreathe feel a little more safe. Drew joined the members of Switchfoot for some skeet shooting on the Tour De Compadres’ day off and the band members tweeted: We just found out that Drew is a sharp shooter! Whooping all of us in skeet!
A word of appreciation from Plumb; she recently shared: I so appreciate the letters I get from fans… You encourage me twice as much as I could ever encourage you.
Francesca Battistelli is living the glamorous life. She announced last week that she is pregnant with child number three. This week she added: Real life is throwing up next to a ball field in Nebraska after a 17 hour bus ride. She says morning sickness is hitting her hard.
A web site named Fashion Meets God recently sat down with the 19 year-old fashion designer who created the dress worn by Moriah Peters in her music video for Brave. Brandie Ribeiro says the two actually met on Instagram after she used Moriah’s song as background music in a video featuring the creation of her sisters wedding gown. She credited Morish for the song, Moriah heard about it and watched the video, and the rest is history. http://t.co/KpiBQMIX2D
In a time when members of the Police aren’t getting a lot of good press, Casting Crowns Mark Hall made sure he said thank you for the good they do. He tweeted: Atlanta Police Department went above and beyond today to help us find a friend in crisis. Thank you so much for all you guys do.
Good news from Jamie Grace; she tweeted this week that her mother is out of the hospital. Mona had surgery last week but had to return to the hospital over the weekend due to severe pain. Jamie added that, while she is now back home again, prayer is still needed. Jamie said: she’s still recovering from the surgery and has some very important appointments this week as we continue down the road of improving her quality of life.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Hurt man, 70, survived week in woods by drinking rain water
AVON, N.Y. (AP) — Authorities say a 70-year-old man who fell while walking the woods near his western New York home survived a week outdoors by drinking rain water. Police say Donald Farrell was following two deer off a trail when he lost his footing and fell on Aug. 9 in Avon. That’s about…
|Tree pluribus unum: Many fruits stem from artists’ grafts photo
SYRACUSE, N.Y. (AP) — Plums, peaches, nectarines and cherries all grow on just one of Sam Van Aken’s fruit trees. The trees blossom in a riot of red, white and pink each spring. The artist calls his creations the Tree of 40 Fruit. And the tree at Syracuse University, and others like it,…
|Killer deal: ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ house up for sale
PERRYOPOLIS, Pa. (AP) — Celebrate your purchase of this lovely four-bedroom Victorian with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. The house that was used as the home of psychotic killer Buffalo Bill in the 1991 film “The Silence of the Lambs” is up for sale. The production crew took six weeks to…
|NY governor: Topless women in Times Square breaking the law photo
NEW YORK (AP) — New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo says women posing nearly naked for photos in Times Square are breaking the law and undermining efforts to keep the tourist area family friendly. Cuomo said Wednesday on NY1 that the situation is beginning to remind him of the seedy days of the “bad…
|Detroit-area mayor seeks ban on personal flamethrowers photo
DETROIT (AP) — A suburban Detroit official is trying to extinguish the use of personal flamethrowers, which are being sold online by two Midwest companies, in his city. The companies, located in the Detroit area and Cleveland, claim their devices can be used for recreation or to control weeds…
|Single bed bug at 911 center costs Pittsburgh county $12,000
PITTSBURGH (AP) — How much does it cost to get rid of a single bed bug? At an emergency dispatch center in Pittsburgh, about $12,000 so far. HASH(0x1415230) The county relocated dispatchers to three backup locations Tuesday so crews could treat the building and clean workstations. That…
|Idaho replaces mile marker 420 with 419.9 to thwart stoners photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — If you’re looking for milepost 420, you won’t find it in Idaho. Idaho transportation officials say the mile marker has been replaced with 419.9 signs to curb thieves eager to own a number associated with marijuana enthusiasts. Turns out, Idaho isn’t alone in this problem….
|Man who can’t use his arms has gun possession charge dropped photo
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — A man who can’t use his arms because of a spinal condition has had a New Jersey gun possession charge against him dropped. HASH(0x13fc300) Authorities say Hubbard and three other men were in a car that ran a red light in Trenton last summer and had a stolen handgun in a…
|Kangaroo-type pet on the loose in Arizona
TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) — Authorities say one or two wallaroos, a type of kangaroo, have escaped from a north Tucson home. Pima County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Tracy Suitt said a person reported that at least one pet wallaroo went missing Monday afternoon. A video captured the kangaroo-type…
|Woman’s request in obituary: Don’t vote for Hillary Clinton
RUNNEMEDE, N.J. (AP) — A New Jersey woman has used her obituary to make a final request to friends and family: Please don’t vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton for president. Elaine Fydrych’s husband said Wednesday she was a registered Democrat and not “a political person.” But he said she grew…
|Buffett fans scolded for leaving homemade toilets at show
MANSFIELD, Mass. (AP) — Parrotheads are apparently too busy wasting away in Margaritaville to wait in line for the bathroom. HASH(0x13d4cd0) Lt. Sam Thompson says the most common model is a 5-gallon bucket with its rim lined with a foam pool noodle for a seat, stashed inside a tent. Thompson…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Scientists find how obesity gene works, a clue to treatment photo
Scientists have finally figured out how the key gene tied to obesity makes people fat, a major discovery that could open the door to an entirely new approach to the problem beyond diet and exercise. The work solves a big mystery: Since 2007, researchers have known that a gene called FTO was related…
|Antibiotic-resistant ‘superbug’ found at California hospital
PASADENA, Calif. (AP) — A Los Angeles-area hospital said Wednesday that some of its patients contracted an antibiotic-resistant “superbug” that has been linked to a type of medical scope and infected dozens of people around the country. Huntington Memorial Hospital said in a statement that it…
|FDA approves first pill aimed at boosting female libido photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Food and Drug Administration has approved the first prescription drug designed to boost sexual desire in women, a milestone long sought by a pharmaceutical industry eager to replicate the blockbuster success of impotence drugs for men. But stringent safety measures on…
|Rand Paul: a humanitarian in Haiti, a pit bull in 2016 race photo
CAP-HAITIEN, Haiti (AP) — Even while fighting blindness in the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere this week, Republican presidential contender Rand Paul intensified political attacks against rivals in both parties, vowing to continue pressing billionaire businessman Donald Trump in…
|Q&A: What you need to know about new female libido pill photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health officials on Tuesday approved the first-ever prescription drug intended to treat women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, ending a vigorous debate over the drug’s fate. The daily pill, called Addyi, comes with warnings about risks of fainting if it is…
|Female libido pill took long, winding route to market
Federal health officials on Tuesday approved the first prescription drug intended to treat women suffering from a lack of sexual desire. The daily pill, which acts on brain chemicals, followed a long, winding path to approval, including two previous rejections by the Food and Drug Administration….
|Sierra Leone awaits countdown to Ebola-free declaration photo
MASSESSEHBEH, Sierra Leone (AP) — It had been five months since the last Ebola case in Musa Kamara’s village when he returned home for festivities to mark the end of Ramadan. Not long after his sudden death in this roadside village, authorities came with a grim message: The killer virus was…
|Saudi closes emergency ward after spike in MERS virus cases
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (AP) — Saudi authorities closed an emergency ward in one of the kingdom’s largest hospitals after at least 46 people, including hospital staff, contracted the potentially fatal Middle East respiratory syndrome, also known as MERS, a health official said Wednesday. Dr….
|Jimmy Carter to discuss cancer diagnosis publicly photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Former President Jimmy Carter plans to discuss his recent cancer diagnosis Thursday for the first time since revealing last week that he was ill. Carter, 90, is scheduled to hold a news conference at 10 a.m. at the Carter Center in Atlanta. The event will be closed to the…
|Teens’ e-cigarette use linked with later smoking photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Teens who use e-cigarettes are more likely than others to later smoke conventional cigarettes and other tobacco products, a study at 10 Los Angeles high schools suggests. The study doesn’t prove that electronic cigarettes are a “gateway drug” but some doctors say it bolsters…
|Jimmy Carter to discuss cancer diagnosis on Thursday photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter plans to discuss his recent cancer diagnosis, making his first comments since revealing he has the disease last week. The Carter Center on Tuesday said Carter will hold a press conference Thursday morning at its offices in Atlanta. The event…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Sign Maker Strike”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Gordon Douglas, “Grade Cards”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were suffering from having so much to do in their daily schedules. So much, in fact, that they even stopped sleeping just to get everything done! Planners, DayTimers, lists, appointments, it was getting so bad they didn’t have time for anything else!
CLOSE: Sounds like the animals, in their rush to get things done, don’t even have time now for common courtesy and niceness! Tune in again next time for more of As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 22/23, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode in the never ending saga that is As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was singing show tunes and getting ready to go on a picnic. He had everything ready to go and was just about to take off when Millard the Monkey stopped by…
CLOSE: The best picnic the jungle animals have ever had… now that DOES sound like fun! We’ll find out how much fun next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Having experience in a certain job field doesn’t mean you should be working in that job field.
Today’s Moment of Duh begins with someone applying for a job. Sherman P. Hawkins had a very impressive application for the vacant position of director of the Montana Department of Corrections. But Sherman was turned down for the position by the governor – despite his having 28 years of experience in the department and a master’s degree in administration! As the governor noted, however, Hawkins’ 28 years in the department of corrections were as an “inmate,” in that he is serving a life sentence for murdering his wife.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN CALIFORNIA
10.You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.
- Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
- Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
- You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
- A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
- Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
- You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
- A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
- Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
- It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Careful – there might be more in that tortilla than just beans, rice, and meat!
FILE #1: A Dallas police dispatcher who tasted something funny when she bit into a breakfast tortilla, found that it had been laced with marijuana. An 18-year-old fast food worker was charged with possession and delivery of marijuana for deliberately rolling it into a taquito. According to a police spokesperson, the kid in question, Benjamin Roberts said he; “thought it was a funny joke.”
FILE #2: Debra Lane, of Sioux Lookout, Ontario, Canada flagged down a police officer and demanded that he find her lost shoes. Not stolen shoes, mind you… but lost shoes. Apparently, she thinks that the police are her personal lost and found volunteers. When the officer told her he had better things to do than to look for her lost shoes, Debra pulled off her pants and proceeded to hit the officer over the head with them. She’s now in jail… and fully clothed, including shoes.
FILE #3: An American Airlines flight had some unwanted Cat Chow. Catherine “Cat” Chow was on the standby list for a flight from St. Louis to Austin. After discovering the flight was full, she sneaked past gate agents, boarded the plane and hid in the bathroom. When a passenger knocked on the bathroom door, Chow took the man’s seat. When his wife made her move, she took another seat. After several more moves, a flight attendant discovered her. Upon landing she was chow-chow-chowed off to jail.
STRANGE LAW: Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. ***MARLAR: Good law.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A fugitive wanted on drug charges was enjoying a day at an amusement park – until he ran into 60 police officers also enjoying the day at the same amusement park.
…31 year old Warren Dixon was spotted by an officer when he was coming off a ride called “The Comet”. Dixon had been on the run since January and allegedly tried to flee from police at the park, but didn’t get far. He has been charged with second-degree assault, second-degree harassment, and felony drug charges. The name of the amusement park? “The Great Escape”!
What does your wife/husband not allow you to do?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who had a dream about birds eating from a basket on his head?
ANSWER: Pharoah’s baker (Genesis 40:16-17)
QUESTION: How many times do the hour and minute hands on a clock cross each other in a twelve hour period?
ANSWER: Eleven times.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- In speaking of the internet, DSL stands for Direct Signal Line. (False, Digital Subscriber Link)
- The great white shark in “Finding Nemo” is called Ricardo. (False, he’s called Bruce)
- James Earl was the real name of Dr. Seuss. (False, it was Theodore Geisel of Springfield, Massachusetts)
- The bones of a pigeon weigh less than its feathers. (True)
- In 1936 Jell-O came out with a cola flavored Jell-O. (True – it was dropped the following year)
- Dove Creek, Colorado is the Pinto Bean Capital of the world (True)
- The word “cheeseburger” is trademarked. (True. Louis Ballast of Denver, Colorado was given a trademark for the name ‘cheeseburger’ in 1936. He never enforced it though)
- Some of the first commercials aired on TV were for Spam. (True – created in 1937)
- The three most popular condiments in German restaurants are mustard, horseradish, and applesauce. (True)
- Cool Whip was introduced in 1965 by General Foods. (True – this whipped-cream substitute is cheaper than the real thing, keeps longer in a resealable container, requires no whipping and has fewer calories. Within three months, it’s at the top of the whipped-topping market.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
_____ COLOGNE (BEER)
A new summer ale developed by Samuel Adams has an interesting double use: it can be used as cologne!
According to Brewmaster, Tim Caslon, “Our new Samuel Adams summer ale is brewed with a patented technique that infuses the ale with juniper, sage and coriander essences — many of these same essences are found in leading colognes so rather than make our beer drinkers have to go out and buy cologne we put the cologne right in the bottle.”
Caslon says, “You can apply the cologne just like you would any regular cologne. Just save a small amount of backwash in the bottle and then pour it out into your hand and splash it on.” Caslon added, “the hard part is remembering to save some at the bottom of the bottle because the beer tastes that good.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right.
“It was fine, dear,” replied the man, “but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?”
A woman goes to the police station to report that her husband was missing.
“Can you give me a description of him?” asked the officer.
“He’s short and bald and skinny and wrinkled and wears dentures,” answered the woman. “Come to think of it, most of him was missing before he was.”
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right. By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed. I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, I announced, “Honey, I’m home!”
“And just where have you been?” she yelled. “It’s after seven o’clock!”
A ski resort in Australia claims they can turn treated sewage into snow that is so clean, you can eat it. ***MARLAR: Gee, you think your job is bad – imagine being an Australian snow taste-tester!
An electricity company in Russia says the Russian Navy hasn’t paid its bills and has started cutting off power to certain units. ***MARLAR: Wow, no wonder they lost the Cold War – they couldn’t afford to power the furnace.
(I did not do this one… but I sure wish I did!)
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, “Leave me alone!”
They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”
The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: “Don’t touch me!”
Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”
Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C-minus in that class.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Ever wonder if the person on the other end of the phone is truly listening to what you’re saying? A new invention will solve that problem for you!
If you’ve ever wondered if that person you’re talking to on the phone is really paying attention, you may soon be able to find out thanks to the “Jerk-O-Meter.” Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology are developing software for cell phones that would analyze speech patterns and voice tones to rate people – on a scale of 0 to 100 percent according to how engaged they are in a conversation. They say that the Jerk-O-Meter could assist telephone sales and marketing efforts and could help prevent arguments in relationships by forcing couples to be more attentive to one another. While they’re still working out the bugs, they say the Jerk-O-Meter could be ready to go in about six months. ***MARLAR: Coinciding with the unexplained phenomenon of people canceling their cell-phone contracts.
There is a story involving Yogi Berra, the well-known catcher for the New York Yankees, and Hank Aaron, who at that time was the chief power hitter for the Milwaukee Braves. The teams were playing in the World Series, and as usual Yogi was keeping up his ceaseless chatter, intended to pep up his teammates on the one hand, and distract the Milwaukee batters on the other.
As Aaron came to the plate, Yogi tried to distract him by saying, “Henry, you’re holding the bat wrong. You’re supposed to hold it so you can read the trademark.” Aaron didn’t say anything, but when the next pitch came he hit it into the left-field bleachers. After rounding the bases and tagging up at home plate, Aaron looked at Yogi Berra and said, “I didn’t come up here to read.”
–James Montgomery Boice “Nehemiah, Learning to Lead,” Revell,
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: Ephesians 4:17-24
Put on the new man which was created according to God. —Ephesians 4:24
When we moved into our home 5 years ago, we discovered that the former owner had left us six dining room chairs. They were covered with fabric of beautiful African art—tasteful zebra stripes. We appreciated the unexpected gifts and used them frequently when entertaining guests.
When we recently moved again, those chairs needed a makeover to match our new decor. So I called an upholsterer and asked, “Shouldn’t we just put the new material over the existing fabric?” He responded, “No, you’ll ruin the shape of the chair if you just put new material over the old.”
The work of God in our lives is similar. He’s not interested in merely changing our spiritual appearance. Instead, He intends to replace our character with what is called “the new man,” made in the image of Christ (Ephesians 4:24). The flesh has a tendency to perform religious activity, but this is not the work of the Holy Spirit. He will completely transform us on the inside.
But the process is a partnership (Philippians 2:12-13). As we daily lay aside our old behaviors and replace them with godly ones, the God of grace works in us through the power of the Holy Spirit.
God wants to reupholster us. —Dennis Fisher
Dear Lord, You’ve given new life to me—
A great and full salvation;
And may the life that others see
Display the transformation. —Hess
When you receive Christ, God’s work in you has just begun.
At the end of weddings, people are throwing something other than rice, confetti, or even rose petals at the newly married couple… they’re throwing living creatures!
Forget confetti or rice, if you want to be noticed at an Australian wedding you gotta throw something original at the bride and groom – like insects! Okay, more specifically, live butterflies. Demands for monarch butterflies to toss in the air at the end of a wedding are booming, especially now that many churches won’t allow you to throw confetti, rice or even rose petals. What makes this even more interesting is that monarch butterflies are not afraid of humans, so they’ll fly around and sit on people attending the wedding. When it’s all over, they fly away and go about their own wedding plans and start monarch families of their own.
LIFE… LIVE IT
RIGHT TIME FOR EVERYTHING
There is a right and wrong time for everything. Here’s the best times to do things (compiled by abcnews.com):
- Work on your most important tasks in the morning. That’s because, several hours before you wake up, your body produces the stress hormone cortisol, which increases your blood sugar and give you the energy you need to accomplish difficult tasks.
- Make a presentation at 10am. That’s because your voice will be well-rested. Make sure you drink water, and not milk, before you plan on doing a lot of speaking, because milk can increase mucus, which is not good for your voice.
- Take a short break and stretch three times a day. At 10:30 in the morning and 2:30 and 4:30 in the afternoon, do stretching exercises, to loosen up your back and shoulder muscles.
- Use the late-morning hours to think and strategize big decisions. At this time of the day, your body temperature is rising, which means you’re more alert and your brain can process information better.
- Have a healthy protein snack, like nuts, around 2pm. This will increase your energy and keep you full until dinner, so you won’t be sneaking a candy bar later in the afternoon.
- Have a cup of coffee or take a walk at 3:00 in the afternoon, to help stay more alert.
- Make and return calls at 3:30pm. The caffeine you drank at 3:00 should be kicking in right about now, and talking with people will help revive and stimulate your mood so you can finish the day on an “up” note.
JUST FOR FUN
Electrician John Zimmerschied has survived being shocked by 2,000 volts of electricity. He was working inside an electrical box when the accident happened. Aside from a cut to the head and a small burn, Zimmzerschied is fine, and back home. He says that, aside from some sore muscles, he’s pretty much back to normal. ***MARLAR: Except that he can now make popcorn without getting off the sofa.
ADVICE YOU’LL NEVER HEAR WHEN USING THE ONSTAR BUTTON IN YOUR VEHICLE
- •Just walk away from your car and abandon it, it’s a junker anyway.
- •What made you think it would be quicker to cut through the park?
- •Get outa there fast! The cops are comin’!
- •You’re not going to take Market, are you?
- •I think that was already red.
- •Can you locate a coat hanger? Look around the parking lot.
- •If you didn’t break the law, then whata YOU care?!
- •I think the speed limit is 30 through here.
- •Get ahold of yerself!!!!
- •Only idiots lock their keys in the car.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
GIMME AN “O”, GIMME AN “L”, GIMME A “D”
Ragena Waters isn’t your typical college cheerleader. Ragena cheers for the Bacone College Warriors and is old enough to be the mother of her fellow cheerleaders. At 43, Waters not only returned to school, but also decided to try out for and make the cheerleading squad at the Oklahoma College. Waters isn’t worried about what others might think. She says she’s having time of her life — even if she can’t do flips. ***MARLAR: The joke, of course is, she knows how to build a really good pyramid because she was there when the original ones were built!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Remember, if you don’t think the jokes on today’s program were hilarious, it may be because, during birth, your obstetrician inadvertently damaged your sense of humor. You could get millions in a malpractice suit.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
The 2015 list of Best Christian Workplaces has been released. Certified, no less. It is based on research conducted by the Best Christian Workplaces Institute. Great name.
According to their press release, “Certified Best Christian Workplaces are global and represent all facets of ministries from churches, private schools, universities, parachurch missions, product and services, book publishers and radio stations. This year we have added Christian led businesses.” Wow…that’s some collection!
True to their previous research, the BCWI surveyed more than 180,000 employees. They ask more than 50 questions. Apparently organizations have valued being on this list with a number of them surveying staff “to discover the health of their workplace culture.” For a complete list of results check the website. (http://www.bcwinstitute.com/bcwlists.html)
I always scan the list to see how many Chicago area organizations are on it. Also to see who is NOT on it. And to appreciate the organizations I’m connected to in one way or another.
For example, my radio show producer is a graduate of Olivet Nazarene University. They made the list. Last week, I did my radio show at the Global Leadership Summit at Willow Creek Church in Barrington, Illinois. They’re ALWAYS on the list. The Coalition for Christian Outreach in Pittsburgh made the list. A highly reputable group I’ve known from my days in “The ‘Burgh.”
Several ministry organizations, whose leaders I know, are NOT on the list. To be fair, that is because a ton of these people do not enlist in the survey process. In one case I know of, failure to make the list three or four years running caused this one organization to step back and try to figure out why! Good idea.
So I decided to think of what really should characterize a “Christian Workplace” — be it for profit or nonprofit. I really don’t like using “Christian” as an adjective. But for this exercise, I accept the term as an environment where Christ-like attitudes are the prevailing mindset. And I have a short list. Not a complete list. A short list.
First, it should be a place of safety. Can a person speak openly and freely about legitimate concerns and not worry about losing their job? Can a person ask difficult questions? Does the person feel “safe”?
Secondly, does the company encourage advancement? This is a difficult and challenging area for several reasons. Finding the right people for the right job only to lose them after training is painful. Also, once a team is in place and is functioning well, having key members advance out makes it difficult. But if our mindset is to grow and encourage others’ development, it is part of the cost.
Thirdly, how does conflict resolution get handled? Jesus always encouraged relationships to be the priority. When a management level person KNOWS there are strained or dysfunctional relationships, every effort should be made to help those coworkers resolve their issues.
Fourth. How is pay determined? More often these days I hear of “ministry oriented” organizations cutting costs by reducing people to part time to save on benefits. When the value of a person is only as good as a minimum effort of compensation and benefits, can we truly say we have a heart for people?
Fifth…on a list that could easily be longer…is the matter of staying with what is often termed integrity. When commitments are made they are kept. Intentional deception is forbidden. Corners to quality are not cut short in favor of profitability.
A “Christian Workplace” isn’t just about what management does. It is often what management requires. And on this front, it means employees are expected to do the job as outlined. To work a full day and show up on time. Not to “fudge” in their own ways, diminishing performance. And to work with spirit and a good attitude. Certain companies are much better at hiring to these ends, and at holding people accountable, than others.
A sober reminder about work can be found in Ecclesiastes 9:10: “Whatever work you do, do your best, because you are going to the grave, where there is no working, no planning, no knowledge, and no wisdom.” (NCV)
One day, Christ-followers will be given a new heaven and a new earth. And while I didn’t see it listed as one of the “Best Christian Workplaces,” I can assure you…it will be.
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
AUGUST 21, 2015…
Grandma—What are Grandmother’s for? Sometimes for a hug and sometimes to help out in a tough situation. In this film, Lily Tomlin plays the profanity-using grandmother who is asked by her grand-daughter Julia Garner, to help raise money for a personal crisis. Marcia Gay Harden is also in the cast. “Grandma” is an adult film and rated R. No rating.
American Ultra—This movie is an action comedy about a rogue government agent who has a target on his back. Everyone wants to get him. The large cast includes Jesse Eisenberg, Topher Grace, Kristen Stewart and Walton Goggins. “American Ultra” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Digging For Fire—Here is a comedy with dark humor concerning a young, married couple who spend a weekend trying to figure out what is wrong…and right…with their marriage. The cast includes Jake Johnson, Anna Hendricks and Orlando Bloom. “Digging For Fire” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Sinister 2—Of course, there is another one. In this continuation, a young mother (Shannon Sossamon) and the nine year old twin sons fight evil. The bad spirit wants the children to kill people. James Ransome is the detective trying to help. “Sinister 2” is rated R. No rating.
*Note: “Sleeping With Other People” starring Jason Sukeikis is now due to be released September 13.
AUGUST 28, 2015…
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Green Legend is a sequel to the famous film.
Hitman: Agent 47 is based on the game series and stars Rupert Friend.
The War Room is a Christian drama about making a marriage work and stars Alex Kendricks.
We Are Your Friends is a music drama starring Zac Efron about trying to build a career in the music business.
Regression concerns a young girl trying to regain her memory. Stars Emma Watson.
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