August 23, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160823

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I had a terrible nightmare.  I dreamed I was face to face with God – and he asked me to spell “broccoli.”

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous.”  –1 Peter 3:8

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing, and perfect will. — Romans 12:2

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all — how will he not also, along with him, give us all things? — Romans 8:32

Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord. — Acts 3:19

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins. — Ecclesiastes 7:20

Thought: Yep, we’re all broken, flawed, and tainted. Or, at least that is what we were (cf. 1 Cor. 6:9-11). Praise God, because of his grace and the work of Jesus, we can stand before God holy, without blemish, and free from accusation (Col. 1:22).

Prayer: Forgiving Father and Holy God, thank you for redeeming me from my mortal and sinful ways by the sacrifice of Jesus. Thank you for empowering me to become more like him by the power of your Holy Spirit. Thank you for making me through grace what I could never be through my own efforts. Thank you, dear God, for saving me from my sin, ransoming me from my guilt, and redeeming me to share in your glory. In Jesus name I praise you. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Kings 8:23 NIV = and said: “O LORD, God of Israel, there is no God like you in heaven above or on earth below—you who keep your covenant of love with your servants who continue wholeheartedly in your way.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – AUGUST 23, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
29 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is HUG YOUR SWEETHEART DAY.  ***MARLAR: If you’re calling the person “sweetheart” I’m guessing you have that hug thing down already.

Today is NATIONAL SNEAK OFF TO THE BEACH DAY. Don’t forget the sunscreen.  ***MARLAR: Do we even HAVE a beach in northern Illinois without heading to Lake Michigan?

Today is NATIONAL PLUMBERS DAY.  ***MARLAR: I would make a comment, but this is the morning show WITHOUT sewer humor, so I must pass on that.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Day For The Remembrance of the Slave Trade & Its Abolition

Valentino Day

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, AUGUT 24

Knife Day

Pluto Demoted Day

Vesuvius Day

Wayzgoose Day

William Willberforce Day

National Waffle Iron Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25

Kiss and Make Up Day

National Park Service Day

National Second-hand Wardrobe Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26

National Dog Day

National Toilet Paper Day

National WebMistress Day

Women’s Equality Day

World Daffodil Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27

Franchise Appreciation Day

International Bat Night

Just Because Day

The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28

Pony Express Day

Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day

Radio Commercials Day

Crackers Over The Keyboard Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 29

According To Hoyle Day

Individual Rights Day

International Day Against Nuclear Tests

More Herbs, Less Salt Day

National Sarcoidosis Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30

International Cabernet Sauvignon Day

International Day of The Victims of Enforced Disappearances

International Whale Shark Day

National Grief Awareness Day

National Holistic Pet Day

National Toasted Marshmallow Day

ON THIS DAY

1882: British Salvation Army worker Charles Fry died at age 45. He wrote the words to, “I Have Found A Friend in Jesus,” also known as “The Lily of the Valley.”

1912: Dancer Gene Kelly was born in Pittsburgh. His movies included “Singing in the Rain,” “Anchors Aweigh,” and “An American in Paris.” He died in 1996 at age 83.

1926: Silent screen idol Rudolph Valentino died, setting off mourning hysteria among his fans.

1962: John Lennon married Cynthia Powell at the Mount Pleasant Registry Office in Liverpool, England. They were divorced in November 1968.

1969: Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue” reached #2 on the U.S. pop charts. It was already a #1 country hit.

1972: The Republican national convention, meeting in Miami Beach, nominated Vice President Spiro T. Agnew for a second term.

1975: “Fleetwood Mac” entered the Billboard album chart. It was the group’s first album featuring Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks.

1977: The FDA approved Tagamet, a new drug developed in Britain to treat ulcers. It was already being used in England, Canada, and Mexico.

1989: In a call for independence, an estimated one million people linked arms in a human chain that stretched 400 miles across much of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania.

1991: In Lansing, Michigan, 250 gerbils chewed their way out of shipping boxes and scampered though the airport. Most were gerbilnapped by airport visitors.

1993: The rock group Duran Duran got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

1999: Berlin once again became the capital of Germany.

2000: Richard Hatch was the winning castaway on the CBS TV show, “Survivor.” Hatch won $1 million for his stay on the island of Pulau Tida in the South China Sea.

2003: A 47-year-old German man lost his driver’s license after failing to perform any of the required actions on an alcohol test. The test in Koblenz was noteworthy because the man’s dog, a West Highland white terrier, executed all the commands perfectly, including a 360-degree turn as his master staggered and fell.

2004: In Athens, Jeremy Wariner became the sixth consecutive American to win the Olympic title in the 400 meters, leading a U.S. sweep of the medals.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1572: Catherine de Medici sends her son, young King Charles IX of France, into a panic with threats of an imminent Huguenot (French Protestant) insurrection. Frenzied, he yelled, “Kill them all! Kill them all!” In response, Catholics in Paris butchered the Huguenots who had come to the city for a royal wedding. Between 5,000 and 10,000 Protestants died in the St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre.

1723: Increase Mather, one of Colonial America’s most famous clergymen, dies. Friends and colleagues mourned him as “the patriarch . . . among us”

1948: The “fellowship of churches which accept our Lord Jesus Christ as God and Savior” (a.k.a. the World Council of Churches) is formally constituted in Amsterdam.

1926: Death of Methodist holiness clergyman Russel K Carter. He wrote the hymn favorite, “Standing on the Promises.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Jerry McGuire) Jay Mohrm, 46

  • Actress (“Cheers,” The Money Pit) Shelley Long 67 (audio clip)

  • singer-actor Rick Springfield 67

  • actor Ronnie Cox 77

  • Actress (“I Dream of Jeanie”) Barbara Eden, 82 (audio clip)

  • TV host/satirist Mark Russell, 84

  • actress (Psycho, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance) Vera Miles 86

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1912 : Gene Kelly

1917 : Tex Williams

1936 : Rudy Lewis (The Drifters)

1941 : Pete Shannon (Nashville Teens)

1942 : Tony “Spaghetti” Micale (The Reflections)

1942 : Roger Greenaway (Blue Mink)

1946 : Keith Moon

1946 : Jim Sohns (The Shadows Of Knight)

1946 : Keith Moon (The Who)

1949 : Rick Springfield

1951 : Mark Hudson (The Hudson Brothers)

1951 : Jimi Jamison (Survivor)

1960 : Steve Clark (Def Leppard)

1961 : Dean DeLeo (Stone Temple Pilots)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do freight trains with two or more locomotives often have at least one turned backwards?

You’ve seen this on long freight trains, haven’t you? How in the world did they end up with backwards locomotives? It looks as if it’s a contest to see in which direction the train will move once the locomotives start to pull. Is this any way to run a railroad? A key element here is the fact that locomotives are bi-directional: they can move and pull a load just as well no matter which end is pointed forward. The other factor is that it isn’t easy to turn one of them around and it’s time consuming. So why bother? Of course the first locomotive at the front of the train will always face forward. Anything else would look stupid. And any engineer willing to run a train while facing the rear is probably operating with a loose caboose.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jamie Grace is a real life Hannah Montana. The show was about a girl living two lives, one has a normal teenager and the other as a music icon. Jamie posted: I seriously am. People rarely recognize me until I speak.

Audio Adrenaline is in Haiti this week. Front man Adam Agee asked for prayer as the band spends the next several weeks working with missions teams in that country. They are helping the Hands and Feet Project started by the band several decades ago.

Hillary Scott says the music she and her family recorded for their new album even ministers to her. She posted while flying through some turbulence: because there are still so many things like this that make me “want my mom”, I put on mom’s version of Sheltered in the Arms of God and was immediately at peace. This is another one of the COUNTLESS reasons I am so thankful for this project but mostly my mom and family!

Lauren Daigle is asking everyone to pray for Louisiana. The native of the state posted this week after reading about all the flooding going on there: My body may be somewhere else, but my heart is in Louisiana. Please pray! My love goes out to everyone affected! Thank you to ALL of those serving! Unity will be the cornerstone of how our state is rebuilt! God is close to the broken-hearted.

Mercyme celebrated an anniversary this week. It’s been 15 years since they released the album Almost There. The album featured their first hit song I Can Only Imagine.

Amy Grant was encouraging blood donation this week. Grant posted a picture of her name tag this week with the letter A missing and added: there are also Missing Types of blood for patients. Give A,B,& O blood today.

Natalie Grant’s youngest daughter entered kindergarten this week. After dropping Sadie off at school, Natalie posted: this was such a sweet yet emotional day. Dropping off my baby at kindergarten was even harder than I thought it was going to be. She added: I couldn’t keep the tears back. And instead of me holding my child, my child was holding me. She whispered in my ear: “I’m sad too, momma, because I will miss you. But I’m not alone, remember? Jesus is with me.”

Kutless continues to play in the Ukraine. They posted: Just wanted to say Thank You for all of your prayers over the last couple of weeks. Respond Ukraine has been awesome! Keep them coming.

Meredith Andrews says God was showing off during her show this week. While she was singing her songs Soar and Not for a Moment and beautiful rainbow was showing up on the horizon. She said it was a good reminder of God’s promises. https://www.instagram.com/p/BJHankvjudV/

It was a rough weekend for NeedtoBreathe. Their concert in Charleston had to be canceled after a freak storm blew through the area. The band posted that the storm damaging a significant amount of essential show gear, rigging and equipment beyond repair. The band said the concert will be rescheduled. They added that their crew had to scramble just to replace their damaged gear and be ready to play the next night in Georgia.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A guy in the UK got a nasty surprise in the mail when he opened a letter claiming he could owe $18 trillion in taxes. Giles Hembrough, a railway signal tester, says the letter read: “We think the amount you owe $18 trillion. We will let you know if this amount is right when we look at your tax return for the year.”  ***Wow… where do I get a job as a railway tester?  Can you imagine what they make if their taxes are $18-trillion?

A proposed law in Italy would jail parents for up to six years for imposing “reckless and dangerous eating behavior,” including veganism, on kids under 17. ***I say we expand that to the U.S. – and require a night in jail for each time they tell you they are a vegan.  They’d never see their freedom.

A University of Connecticut study of Millennial has found that men ages 20 to 34 and women in their early 20s have significantly weaker hand grips than young people tested in 1985.  ***Which is really surprising – I’d think they’d have a lot of hand muscles built up from tweeting, texting, and playing video games.

Wanted: Volunteers willing to be infected with the Zika virus for science. According to Yahoo News, researchers are planning a study this winter, when mosquitoes aren’t biting, to help speed development of much-needed Zika vaccines. The human challenge study will deliberately inject healthy, non-pregnant, people with a virus, mimicking natural infection while scientists track how their bodies react.  ***Ummm… how about NO.

After two years and 10 months, 93-year-old Ernie Andrus has made it across America. According to ABC News, The World War II veteran dipped his toes in the Atlantic Ocean Saturday morning, ending a cross-country run that started in San Diego on Oct. 7, 2013. He was running to raise money to return a WWII-era ship in Indiana to Normandy, France, for the 75th anniversary of the D-Day landing. He was a medic on a similar ship during the war.  ***Staff at the retirement home were relieved to finally know where he was.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A Duke University study found that most Americans today are very isolated and have no close friends to confide in.  ***MARLAR: I hope you don’t mind me telling you this story, but I have nobody else to talk to.

Nearly half of all American workers gripe about being burned out even though they didn’t use up all their vacation days last year. According to a recent survey by Yahoo Hot Jobs, 45% didn’t take all their time off, while 39% say they were too exhausted to go on a “real” vacation. Another 36% claim to be too busy to take time off, 34% say the high cost of going somewhere keeps them going to the office, while 32% want to save vacation days for real emergencies.  ***MARLAR: I know exactly how frustrating that can be, working too hard and not taking time off… so here’s my plan for you.  Work hard, and give ME your vacation time.  I’m willing to make the sacrifice for you.

More than a quarter of Americans lie about flossing their teeth, and 36 percent say they would rather do an unpleasant activity like doing taxes or cleaning the toilet.  *** Which is still better than flossing with your toilet brush.

Want to live to be 100 or older? Your odds are better if you are a woman.  Statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that for every 100 women that make it to at least 100, there are only 20.7 men who do the same.    But, the statistics also revealed that getting to 100 isn’t an easy feat. Fewer than two people out of 10,000 will make it to that ripe old age. ***So you have to wonder if it’s worth living to 100 – seeing as all your friends are dead.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Non-Stop Flight”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Steve Geyer, “Modern Cars”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, all of the jungle animals – and even the musical instruments, wouldn’t cooperate with each other at all. Everybody insisted on doing their own solos. It got so bad, and so noisy, that Cheetah Bonita (the one who started this whole mess) had to find some peace and quiet – and ran into a bunch of squirrels who were NOT happy with her at all…

CLOSE: Who’d have thought that wanting to be a soloist would keep you out of the land of milk and honey? And what about Racquet – what does badminton have to do with all of this? We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 27/28

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins were running away, terrified of The Plaid Guy! Marvy was running so hard and was so scared that he even dropped his teddy-bear – but then he fell down, and before he could get up, the Plaid Guy was right on top of him!

CLOSE: Well… it’s good to know that The Plaid Guy is actually a friendly guy… but you have to wonder… living alone all these years, how good can his seven cup salad really be? We’ll find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Having experience in a certain job field doesn’t mean you should be working in that job field. 

Today’s Moment of Duh begins with someone applying for a job.  Sherman P. Hawkins had a very impressive application for the vacant position of director of the Montana Department of Corrections.  But Sherman was turned down for the position by the governor – despite his having 28 years of experience in the department and a master’s degree in administration!  As the governor noted, however, Hawkins’ 28 years in the department of corrections were as an “inmate,” in that he is serving a life sentence for murdering his wife. 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN CALIFORNIA

10.You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

9. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

8. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

7. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

6. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

5. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

4. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

3. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

2. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

1. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Careful – there might be more in that tortilla than just beans, rice, and meat!

FILE #1: A Dallas police dispatcher who tasted something funny when she bit into a breakfast tortilla, found that it had been laced with marijuana. An 18-year-old fast food worker was charged with possession and delivery of marijuana for deliberately rolling it into a taquito. According to a police spokesperson, the kid in question, Benjamin Roberts said he; “thought it was a funny joke.”

FILE #2: Debra Lane, of Sioux Lookout, Ontario, Canada flagged down a police officer and demanded that he find her lost shoes. Not stolen shoes, mind you… but lost shoes. Apparently, she thinks that the police are her personal lost and found volunteers. When the officer told her he had better things to do than to look for her lost shoes, Debra pulled off her pants and proceeded to hit the officer over the head with them. She’s now in jail… and fully clothed, including shoes.

FILE #3: An American Airlines flight had some unwanted Cat Chow. Catherine “Cat” Chow was on the standby list for a flight from St. Louis to Austin. After discovering the flight was full, she sneaked past gate agents, boarded the plane and hid in the bathroom. When a passenger knocked on the bathroom door, Chow took the man’s seat. When his wife made her move, she took another seat. After several more moves, a flight attendant discovered her. Upon landing she was chow-chow-chowed off to jail.

STRANGE LAW: Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. ***MARLAR: Good law.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A fugitive wanted on drug charges was enjoying a day at an amusement park – until he ran into 60 police officers also enjoying the day at the same amusement park.

…31 year old Warren Dixon was spotted by an officer when he was coming off a ride called “The Comet”. Dixon had been on the run since January and allegedly tried to flee from police at the park, but didn’t get far. He has been charged with second-degree assault, second-degree harassment, and felony drug charges. The name of the amusement park? “The Great Escape”!

PHONER PHUN

What does your wife/husband not allow you to do?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who had a dream about birds eating from a basket on his head?
ANSWER: Pharoah’s baker (Genesis 40:16-17)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many times do the hour and minute hands on a clock cross each other in a twelve hour period?

ANSWER: Eleven times.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In speaking of the internet, DSL stands for Direct Signal Line. (False, Digital Subscriber Link)

2. The great white shark in “Finding Nemo” is called Ricardo. (False, he’s called Bruce)

3. James Earl was the real name of Dr. Seuss. (False, it was Theodore Geisel of Springfield, Massachusetts)

4. The bones of a pigeon weigh less than its feathers. (True)

5. In 1936 Jell-O came out with a cola flavored Jell-O. (True – it was dropped the following year)

6. Dove Creek, Colorado is the Pinto Bean Capital of the world (True)

7. The word “cheeseburger” is trademarked. (True. Louis Ballast of Denver, Colorado was given a trademark for the name ‘cheeseburger’ in 1936. He never enforced it though)

8. Some of the first commercials aired on TV were for Spam. (True – created in 1937)

9. The three most popular condiments in German restaurants are mustard, horseradish, and applesauce. (True)

10. Cool Whip was introduced in 1965 by General Foods. (True – this whipped-cream substitute is cheaper than the real thing, keeps longer in a resealable container, requires no whipping and has fewer calories. Within three months, it’s at the top of the whipped-topping market.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ COLOGNE (BEER)

A new summer ale developed by Samuel Adams has an interesting double use: it can be used as cologne!

According to Brewmaster, Tim Caslon, “Our new Samuel Adams summer ale is brewed with a patented technique that infuses the ale with juniper, sage and coriander essences — many of these same essences are found in leading colognes so rather than make our beer drinkers have to go out and buy cologne we put the cologne right in the bottle.”

Caslon says, “You can apply the cologne just like you would any regular cologne. Just save a small amount of backwash in the bottle and then pour it  out into your hand and splash it on.”  Caslon added, “the hard part is remembering to save some at the bottom of the bottle because the beer tastes that good.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.  A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.  The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right.
“It was fine, dear,” replied the man, “but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?”

JOKE #2

A woman goes to the police station to report that her husband was missing.

“Can you give me a description of him?” asked the officer.

“He’s short and bald and skinny and wrinkled and wears dentures,” answered the woman. “Come to think of it, most of him was missing before he was.”

JOKE #3

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right. 

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed. 

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, I announced, “Honey, I’m home!”

“And just where have you been?” she yelled. “It’s after seven o’clock!”

USELESS FACTS

A ski resort in Australia claims they can turn treated sewage into snow that is so clean, you can eat it. ***MARLAR: Gee, you think your job is bad – imagine being an Australian snow taste-tester!

An electricity company in Russia says the Russian Navy hasn’t paid its bills and has started cutting off power to certain units. ***MARLAR: Wow, no wonder they lost the Cold War – they couldn’t afford to power the furnace.

FEATURED FUNNIES

COMPUTER CLASS

(I did not do this one… but I sure wish I did!)

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, “Leave me alone!”

They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.

I typed, “I said leave me alone!”

The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C-minus in that class.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Ever wonder if the person on the other end of the phone is truly listening to what you’re saying? A new invention will solve that problem for you!

If you’ve ever wondered if that person you’re talking to on the phone is really paying attention, you may soon be able to find out thanks to the “Jerk-O-Meter.” Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology are developing software for cell phones that would analyze speech patterns and voice tones to rate people – on a scale of 0 to 100 percent according to how engaged they are in a conversation. They say that the Jerk-O-Meter could assist telephone sales and marketing efforts and could help prevent arguments in relationships by forcing couples to be more attentive to one another. While they’re still working out the bugs, they say the Jerk-O-Meter could be ready to go in about six months. ***MARLAR: Coinciding with the unexplained phenomenon of people canceling their cell-phone contracts.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

AARON

There is a story involving Yogi Berra, the well-known catcher for the New York Yankees, and Hank Aaron, who at that time was the chief power hitter for the Milwaukee Braves. The teams were playing in the World Series, and as usual Yogi was keeping up his ceaseless chatter, intended to pep up his teammates on the one hand, and distract the Milwaukee batters on the other.
As Aaron came to the plate, Yogi tried to distract him by saying, “Henry, you’re holding the bat wrong. You’re supposed to hold it so you can read the trademark.” Aaron didn’t say anything, but when the next pitch came he hit it into the left-field bleachers. After rounding the bases and tagging up at home plate, Aaron looked at Yogi Berra and said, “I didn’t come up here to read.”
–James Montgomery Boice “Nehemiah, Learning to Lead,” Revell,

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

SPIRITUAL REUPHOLSTERING

Read: Ephesians 4:17-24

Put on the new man which was created according to God. —Ephesians 4:24

When we moved into our home 5 years ago, we discovered that the former owner had left us six dining room chairs. They were covered with fabric of beautiful African art—tasteful zebra stripes. We appreciated the unexpected gifts and used them frequently when entertaining guests.

When we recently moved again, those chairs needed a makeover to match our new decor. So I called an upholsterer and asked, “Shouldn’t we just put the new material over the existing fabric?” He responded, “No, you’ll ruin the shape of the chair if you just put new material over the old.”

The work of God in our lives is similar. He’s not interested in merely changing our spiritual appearance. Instead, He intends to replace our character with what is called “the new man,” made in the image of Christ (Ephesians 4:24). The flesh has a tendency to perform religious activity, but this is not the work of the Holy Spirit. He will completely transform us on the inside.

But the process is a partnership (Philippians 2:12-13). As we daily lay aside our old behaviors and replace them with godly ones, the God of grace works in us through the power of the Holy Spirit.

God wants to reupholster us. —Dennis Fisher

Dear Lord, You’ve given new life to me—
A great and full salvation;
And may the life that others see
Display the transformation. —Hess

When you receive Christ, God’s work in you has just begun.

LEFTOVERS

BUGGY WEDDING

At the end of weddings, people are throwing something other than rice, confetti, or even rose petals at the newly married couple… they’re throwing living creatures!

Forget confetti or rice, if you want to be noticed at an Australian wedding you gotta throw something original at the bride and groom – like insects! Okay, more specifically, live butterflies. Demands for monarch butterflies to toss in the air at the end of a wedding are booming, especially now that many churches won’t allow you to throw confetti, rice or even rose petals. What makes this even more interesting is that monarch butterflies are not afraid of humans, so they’ll fly around and sit on people attending the wedding. When it’s all over, they fly away and go about their own wedding plans and start monarch families of their own.

LIFE… LIVE IT

RIGHT TIME FOR EVERYTHING

There is a right and wrong time for everything. Here’s the best times to do things (compiled by abcnews.com):

  • Work on your most important tasks in the morning. That’s because, several hours before you wake up, your body produces the stress hormone cortisol, which increases your blood sugar and give you the energy you need to accomplish difficult tasks.

  • Make a presentation at 10am. That’s because your voice will be well-rested. Make sure you drink water, and not milk, before you plan on doing a lot of speaking, because milk can increase mucus, which is not good for your voice.

  • Take a short break and stretch three times a day. At 10:30 in the morning and 2:30 and 4:30 in the afternoon, do stretching exercises, to loosen up your back and shoulder muscles.

  • Use the late-morning hours to think and strategize big decisions. At this time of the day, your body temperature is rising, which means you’re more alert and your brain can process information better.

  • Have a healthy protein snack, like nuts, around 2pm. This will increase your energy and keep you full until dinner, so you won’t be sneaking a candy bar later in the afternoon.

  • Have a cup of coffee or take a walk at 3:00 in the afternoon, to help stay more alert.

  • Make and return calls at 3:30pm. The caffeine you drank at 3:00 should be kicking in right about now, and talking with people will help revive and stimulate your mood so you can finish the day on an “up” note.

JUST FOR FUN

ELECTRIFYING

Electrician John Zimmerschied has survived being shocked by 2,000 volts of electricity.  He was working inside an electrical box when the accident happened.  Aside from a cut to the head and a small burn, Zimmzerschied is fine, and back home.  He says that, aside from some sore muscles, he’s pretty much back to normal.  ***MARLAR: Except that he can now make popcorn without getting off the sofa.

FUN LIST

ADVICE YOU’LL NEVER HEAR WHEN USING THE ONSTAR BUTTON IN YOUR VEHICLE

  • •Just walk away from your car and abandon it, it’s a junker anyway.

  • •What made you think it would be quicker to cut through the park?

  • •Get outa there fast! The cops are comin’!

  • •You’re not going to take Market, are you?

  • •I think that was already red.

  • •Can you locate a coat hanger? Look around the parking lot.

  • •If you didn’t break the law, then whata YOU care?!

  • •I think the speed limit is 30 through here.

  • •Get ahold of yerself!!!!

  • •Only idiots lock their keys in the car.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

GIMME AN “O”, GIMME AN “L”, GIMME A “D”


Ragena Waters isn’t your typical college cheerleader. Ragena cheers for the Bacone College Warriors and is old enough to be the mother of her fellow cheerleaders. At 43, Waters not only returned to school, but also decided to try out for and make the cheerleading squad at the Oklahoma College. Waters isn’t worried about what others might think. She says she’s having time of her life — even if she can’t do flips. ***MARLAR: The joke, of course is, she knows how to build a really good pyramid because she was there when the original ones were built!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Have you recently moved and need to find disability-related resources in your new community? Joni and Friends wants to help. The ministry posted this week: Consider contacting the Joni and Friends Area Ministry nearest you. Not only will you be connected with local resources, but you may also make some great new friends! Our Area Ministry can also connect you with local churches with disability ministries. http://ow.ly/qtNU302FIdk

Gymnast Shawn Johnson finished the 2008 Beijing Olympics with three silver medals and one gold. But despite her success, the Olympian now admits to struggles with depression, an eating disorder, and perfectionism. According to World Magazine, in a video testimony with I Am Second, Johnson sat down to talk about the pressure she faced going into the 2008 Olympics. But she went on to share that her faith in Jesus Christ gave her the strength to overcome. Listen to her entire story: https://world.wng.org/2016/07/olympic_gymnast_opens_up_about_failure_and_faith

Do your kids have the summer slide? Have they forgotten what they learned last year. Focus Parenting wants to help. They are giving away a free digital guide to help you connect with your child and give them a successful school year. The booklet includes engaging activities and insightful articles ranging from nutrition to time management to media discernment. It also includes a look at your child’s unique connection to God, a great way to show them that they are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made. http://bit.ly/2aOJfEk

Dr James Dobson is speaking out on discipline. He says extremes on either side can be damaging. Get solid answers from a long time expert at http://bit.ly/1TtOScn.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Remember, if you don’t think the jokes on today’s program were hilarious, it may be because, during birth, your obstetrician inadvertently damaged your sense of humor. You could get millions in a malpractice suit.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 19, 2016…

Ben-Hur—Here is the third re-make of this famous novel by Lew Wallace.  The first was in the 1920’s. the second in 1959 with Charlton Heston (Ben-Hur) and Stephen Boyd as Massala, his nemesis. Oh, that famous chariot race and done live, too.  Well, today, we have Jack Huston as Ben-Hur with Toby Kebbell as the bad guy Messala. Richly done and with plenty of action, we follow the adventures of Ben-Hur from a good life to slavery and back again, against the backdrop of the time of Christ. “Ben-Hur” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Kickboxer: Vengeance—Fans of Jean Claude Van Damme hate to admit it, but now is the time for their martial arts hero to become a Master in films, and that is what happens.  He becomes the Master (coach) to a new fighter  in order to beat the man who killed Van Damme‘s brother.  Who is the villain, you ask?  Why Dave Bautista, no less. The action begins. “Kickboxer: Vengeance: is rated R. No rating.

Kubo And The Two Strings—This is a stop-action anime film that tells the story of a young Asian boy-hero. The voices you may recognize will be Matthew McConaughey (playing a beetle), Rooney Mara and Charlize Theron. “Kubo And The Two Strings” is rated PG. No rating.

The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he speaks to with.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

War Dogs—Based on an article from “Rolling Stone” magazine, the film is about two guys (Seth Rogen and Miles Teller) who win a multi-million dollar arms contract from the US. They are supposed to supply arms to troops in Afghanistan. Well, what a premise, and with Seth Rogen aboard, you know the hilarity will begin. “War Dogs” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Southside With You—This film is about how Michelle Obama and Barack Obama first met and began dating. Who is daring enough to take on these roles?  Tika Sumpter is Michelle and Parker Sawyers plays Barack. Directed by first-timer Richard Tanne. “Southside With You” is rated PG 13. No rating.

AUGUST 26, 2016…

Blood Father is a thriller starring Mel Gibson and about saving family.

Don’t Breathe has teens breaking into a house for a robbery but find trouble. Stars Jane Levy.

Hands of Stone is the story of champion boxer Roberto Duran and stars Edgar Ramirez..

Mechanic: Resurrection has Jason Statham returning in the role and saving his girlfriend.  Again.

The Hollars is written and directed by John Krasinski. It’s about returning to your family and finding them as dysfunctional as ever.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.