August 24, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show!  Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160824

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I think of each new day as a blank sheet of paper — just waiting to be written on.  But what usually happens is — somebody comes along and uses it for a Kleenex.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“You have granted me life and loving kindness; and Your care has preserved my spirit.” – Job 10:12

“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11

Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. — 2 Corinthians 7:1

If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. — Matthew 6:14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

[Speaking to the Israelites about their enemies, Moses said:] “Do not be terrified by them, for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God.” — Deuteronomy 7:21

Thought: What foe can defeat the people of God? None! Our God, our Deliverer, is mighty in power, awesome in holiness, and greater than any of our foes. We refuse to fear what the evil one threatens because our Savior has already ultimately defeated him.

Prayer: Abba Father, calm my fears and sooth my anxious heart. By the power of your Spirit, please bless me with boldness and confidence as I seek to live for you in a world that is often hostile to my faith and opposed to your values. I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:24 NIV = For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – AUGUST 24, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
28 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL KNIFE DAY.  ***MARLAR: During the first week back to school for some kids?!?!  Are these people NUTS?!?!

Today is FLITTING APPRECIATION DAY, a time to recognize those who have perfected the art of flitting around.  ***MARLAR: Or perhaps a day for those who can actually use the word “flitting” in a proper conversation.

WEATHER CLICHÉ DAY, marking this date in 1897 when editor Charles Dudley Warner of the Hartford Courant published the sentence, “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”  Many incorrectly attribute the quotation to Warner’s close friend, Mark Twain.

Today is “THE FACTS OF LIFE” DAY, marking debut of the popular NBC-TV sitcom on August 24, 1979. A spinoff from “Diff’rent Strokes,” it starred Lisa Welchel, Mindy Cohn, Nancy McKeon, Kim Fields, Charlotte Rae, and Molly Ringwald.  (

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TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Pluto Demoted Day

Vesuvius Day

Wayzgoose Day

William Willberforce Day

National Waffle Iron Day

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25

Kiss and Make Up Day

National Park Service Day

National Second-hand Wardrobe Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26

National Dog Day

National Toilet Paper Day

National WebMistress Day

Women’s Equality Day

World Daffodil Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27

Franchise Appreciation Day

International Bat Night

Just Because Day

The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28

Pony Express Day

Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day

Radio Commercials Day

Crackers Over The Keyboard Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 29

According To Hoyle Day

Individual Rights Day

International Day Against Nuclear Tests

More Herbs, Less Salt Day

National Sarcoidosis Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30

International Cabernet Sauvignon Day

International Day of The Victims of Enforced Disappearances

International Whale Shark Day

National Grief Awareness Day

National Holistic Pet Day

National Toasted Marshmallow Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31

International Overdose Awareness Day

Love Litigating Lawyers Day

National Matchmaker Day

Tug-of-War Day

ON THIS DAY

79: Mount Vesuvius erupted, burying the cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum in volcanic ash.

1932: Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly non-stop across the U.S., traveling from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey, in just over 19 hours.

1956: Elvis Presley recorded “Love Me Tender.”

1968: Rocker Keith Moon of The Who drove a Lincoln into the swimming pool at the Holiday Inn in Flint, Michigan.

1981: Mark David Chapman was sentenced in New York to 20 years to life in prison for killing rock star John Lennon.

1989: Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.

1990: Irish singer Sinead O’Connor prompted a boycott of her music when she refused to allow the U.S. National Anthem to be played before her New Jersey concert.

1991: In Newport, South Carolina, 15-year-old Dirk Tanis escaped from his burning home after Spuds, the family Dalmation, bit his hand to wake him up. Safely outside, Dirk then watched Spuds carry out Gizmo, a 5-month-old kitten, by the scruff of its neck.

1992: Thieves armed with a frozen rabbit smashed through the glass doors of a pub in Devon, England. They left the rabbit thawing on the bar.

1995: Microsoft released Windows-95.

1996: Four women became students at The Citadel, a military school in South Carolina that had fought in court to remain all male.

1997: A 36-year-old German man was nearly killed when he passed out during a heavy drinking session at a Munich tavern and fell on top of his beer glass. A piece of shattered glass sliced an artery in his neck.

1998: Three parties donated 24 beads to the Indian Museum of North America at the Crazy Horse Memorial in South Dakota’s Black Hills. The beads were said to be used in 1626 to buy Manhattan from the Indians.

2002: Petri Valta of Finland beat 90 other contestants from seven countries when he hurled a Nokia 5510 cell phone 219 feet to set a new world record at the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championships in Savonlinna, Finland.

2004: An investigative panel headed by former Defense Secretary James Schlesinger blamed institutional and personal failures at high levels for mistreatment of prisoners at Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

410: Alaric and the Goths sack Rome. Pagans blamed pacifist Christians and their God for the defeat. Augustine, in his massive City of God, repudiated this claim and blamed Rome’s corruption instead.

1456: The second volume of the Gutenberg Bible is bound in Mainz, Germany. This act completes a two-year project to create the first complete book printed with movable type.

1759: William Wilberforce, philanthropist and vocal abolitionist, is born in Yorkshire, England.

1662: The deadline arrives for all British ministers to publicly assent to the Book of Common Prayer (BCP). The Act of Uniformity, passed on May 19, 1662, also required the BCP to be used exclusively from this date forward. The act remains on Britain’s Statute Book, though it has been modified over the years.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Harry Potter movies) Rupert Grint, 28

  • model Claudia Schiffer 45

  • TV’s (original host of “The Daily Show,” host of “The Late Late Show,” the movie Old School) Craig Kilborn 53

  • Actress (Oscar for Children of a Lesser God) Marlee Matlin, 50

  • Actor (Three Men and a Baby, Cocoon) Steve Guttenberg, 57

  • Actor (Kramer on “Seinfeld”) Michael Richards, 65 (

    )

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1905 : Arthur “Big Boy” Crudup

1915 : Wynonie Harris

1924 : Louis Teicher (Ferrante and Teicher)

1938 : Mason Williams

1938 : David Frieberg (Jefferson Airplane)

1941 : Ernest Wright (Little Anthony & The Imperials)

1942 : Marshall Donald Thompson (The Chi-Lites)

1942 : Carl Mann

1942 : Jimmy Soul

1943 : John Cipollina (Quicksilver Messenger Service)

1944 : Jim Capaldi (Traffic)

1944 : Jim Brady (The Sandpipers)

1945 : Ken Hensley (Uriah Heep)

1945 : Malcolm Duncan (Average White Band)

1947 : Jim Fox (James Gang)

1948 : Jean-Michel Jarre

1951 : Michael Derosier (Heart)

1951 : Danny Joe Brown (Molly Hatchet)

1957 : Jeffrey Daniels (Shalamar)

1961 : Mark Bedford (Madness)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we call a bad dream a nightmare?

Most people when asked to guess about its origins figure that the “mare” in nightmare has something to do with horses. I could live with that. Recently I was given a hot tip on a thoroughbred and got to the betting window at the track just as the race began and the window closed. The nag won and I did not have good dreams that night. But that’s not the etymology of nightmare–not by a long shot. It comes from the Old English word “maere,” which means an incubus, a tiny demon that stands on your chest during the night, suffocating you. Why would an incubus do that to you? You probably did something to upset nature’s laws. Maybe you served white wine with red meat, wore a red suit with brown shoes, or did some other nightmarish thing.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Mandisa has a last name and it was trending over the weekend. She posted: Whoa. My last name is trending. Yes, y’all…I have a last name: Hundley. I wonder if I’m related to this Brett guy. Brett Hundley is a back up quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. https://twitter.com/mandisaofficial/status/766442058240458753/photo/1

Jamie Grace had to take some drastic action this weekafter her latest video was late. She posted: My editor got fired cause she was slackin. However, Jamie added: also my editor is me.

Jamie Grace shared this week: My greatest victory is the moment I chose Faith over fear. I still have Tourette Syndrome and I have learned that resilience comes when we recognize what isn’t perfect, and choose to become fighters anyway. Every battle I’ve faced, every fear that I have had has made me stronger and has caused me to depend on the One who is the strongest. I have since become a full time touring singer/songwriter and founder of a non profit imafighter.org. All this from the kid who, at one point, didn’t think she’d ever dream again. https://www.instagram.com/p/BJOZ23phzqz/

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard posted this week: Woke up this am – sunburnt and sore. Found myself thinking… “how can I live so I wake up like this more often?”

Jamie Grace this week promised new music soon but added that it won’t be with the record company that produced her past two projects. In an open letter on Instagram Jamie said she would be touring and releasing new music very soon. She added that, while she is grateful for how her platform as an artist was expanded while a member of Gotee Records, the steps she will take in the future will not be as an artist on that label. Jamie promised to continue the goal she began with 10 years ago: to bring people joy and to encourage people. She said it’s all because she found the love of Jesus and desperately needs to share it. http://twitter.com/jamiegraceh/status/766376375095787520/photo/1

Christy Nockels announced this week that her upcoming Christmas album will be titled The Thrill of Hope. Christy posted: We had planned to have some “build up” to announcing the title. We even had clever posts with captions to hint at it, leading up to today but, all in all, isn’t it a little more like hope to sneak in? That’s how hope arrives, when you least expect it…no fluff, no dramatic build or fanfare…in fact, the hours before hope arrives are usually the darkest. https://ww.instagram.com/p/BJN8M_Hhnuo/

Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey is doing a cleanse this week. He said he is taking part in a diet called Whole 30 with his wife and acknowledged that it’s hard. But Mike said it is also worth it.

Natalie Grant will release a new book in September. The project is titled: Finding Your Voice: What Every Woman Needs to Live Her God-Given Passions Out Loud. Natalie announced this week that, although the full book won’t be available until September 13, you can preorder Finding Your Voice right now and receive two chapters on audio, read by Natalie herself. Just email your receipt to preorder@nataliegrant.com to receive the free audio.  http://ow.ly/la6o303olHA

Matt Hammitt says he had the best bag lunch ever this week. The former lead singer of Sanctus Real says it was packed by his 10 yr-old daughter. Included was a hand written note that said “Have a great day daddy!! I Love You!

Citizenway member Ben Calhoun has been a runner since age 13. He posted this week that his first marathon was at age 19. Ben added: I wanted to give up but I kept thinking the risk was worth the reward. It was, and I run to this day. Ben says it’s the same with our Christian walk. Galatians 6:9-10 says “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers”.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Want to send President Obama a Facebook message? Well, now you can. The White House unveiled a Facebook Messenger bot this week that allows users to send a note to the president online. ***Be careful though, because if you send the POTUS a poke you’ll be getting a visit from the Secret Service.

An armed robbery at a Detroit gas station has police and the victim scratching their heads. The thieves didn’t take money. They stole three large boxes of honey buns.  *** Personally, I’d start my criminal investigation at the nearest Weight Watchers meeting.

A Florida doctor is returning a long-overdue book that he checked out from a West Virginia library. As a child in the mid-1970s, Dr. Michael Kelly checked out So You Want To Be a Doctor from the Kanawha County Library. Kelly is now a successful plastic surgeon in Miami. He recently found the book in a bookshelf at his home. Kelly is returning the book today along with a $500 check to show gratitude for his success.  ***Is anyone else concerned that this guy has been referring back to that book for the past forty years while in the operating room?

Long before he declared himself as a candidate for the presidency, Donald Trump reportedly discussed with an NBC executive continuing “The Apprentice” from the White House if he were elected.  ***It’s good to know he has his priorities straight.

Three hundred people in Alaska looking to raise awareness of homelessness are the new world record holders in fist-bumping. A Guinness World Records representative verified each of the fist bumps passed along a line of participants Saturday. The United Way of Anchorage organized the event. The previous record was set by a chain of 250 people.  ***How does fist-bumping bring awareness to the homeless?  How about you take the over 250 people that participated, have them all donate ten bucks, and give that to the local homeless shelter… wouldn’t that be a bit more effective?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Does logging onto Facebook make you feel sad, as if everyone’s having fun but you? Maybe you’re just overestimating how happy your friends are. Research out of Stanford University suggests when we misgauge our friends’ negative feelings, we feel worse about ourselves.  Lead researcher Alex Jordan, explained some people tend to focus on the negative aspects of their own lives while focusing on the positive aspects of other people’s lives. “People think, ‘Why am I alone on a Saturday night or why I am not in a relationship?'” he said. “When people overestimate the happiness of friends, they felt more negatively about their own lives.”  ***MARLAR: One way to combat this is to focus on negative news about your friends on Facebook, and whenever you see it, click the “LIKE” button.

A recent study shows three-quarters of men and two-thirds of women in America are now obese or overweight. That is an increase of more than 10 percent since the 1990s. Researchers at the Washington University School of Medicine studied information on more than 15,000 men and women ages 25 and older. From that survey, they estimate 67.6 million Americans were obese and 65.2 million were overweight.  ***And, yep – I’m one of those obese people.  In fact, if you look at my bathroom scale, it looks like I’m THREE of those people.

It would seem logical for patients who have had a heart attack to cut back on fast food.  Some devoted fast food eaters do. But six months later, more than half can still be found at their favorite fast food places at least once a week, according to a study in the American Journal of Cardiology.  ***MARLAR: Personally, I think McDonald’s laces their Quarter Pounders with meth.

British scientists are trying to fight “global warming” by inventing a new livestock feed that reduces methane gas emissions. ***MARLAR: Couldn’t they also make it available to Taco Bell locations? Pleeeease?

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Zero in Roman Numerals”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Charles Marshall, “Discipline”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Cheetah Bonita’s new song – which was nothing but a solo – had everyone in the jungle deciding not to cooperate with each other – and the only peaceful place, the land of milk and honey which is occupied by the squirrels is off-limits to Cheetah Bonita because she was the reason the jungle was so noisy everywhere else. Sad, she walked into the jungle – and met up with Racquet the Skunk.

CLOSE: What will Cheetah Bonita and Racquet the Skunk find in the swamp? Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 27/28

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins were running away, terrified of The Plaid Guy! Marvy was running so hard and was so scared that he even dropped his teddy-bear – but then he fell down, and before he could get up, the Plaid Guy was right on top of him!

CLOSE: Well… it’s good to know that The Plaid Guy is actually a friendly guy… but you have to wonder… living alone all these years, how good can his seven cup salad really be? We’ll find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Did you ever think about the fact that, somewhere out in the world, there’s a worst doctor?

If you think about it, there has to be worst doctor somewhere, right? Well we may have found him. It’s a doctor that, in five years, has operated on the wrong limb… twice! Dr. Craig DuMond was fired recently by the Adirondack Medical Centre for operating on a healthy knee. 5 years ago, he operated on the wrong hip and his colleagues did their best to help him out. In fact, since the hip incident 5 years ago, the operating room nurses started printing the word “yes” on limbs which were supposed to be operated on and they even pulled a red sock over the healthy arm or leg as a final reminder. But to no avail, he operated on the wrong limb again. ***MARLAR: So calling it a medical “practice” is accurate… he just needs a bit MORE practice.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS FOR TEENAGERS

10. No one fails a class anymore, there merely “passing impaired.”

9. You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit delayed.”

8. Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”

7. These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”

6. Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”

5. Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

4. Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

3. You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness.”

2. You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”

1. You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A bad haircut ends up in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A woman who claims she had a “bad hair year” is suing a Wisconsin styling salon. Janesville resident Stacie Renz says it took a year for her hair to recover after getting highlights done at the Regis Salon in Janesville. She has filed for damages in Rock County Court, but the salon denies any knowledge or liability. She claims that she simply wanted highlights for her brown hair in March 1998, and it went badly. They tried fixing it by using different chemicals, and by that time, it was orange and crispy. She no longer works in the styling industry and none of the staff who were at the salon at the time of Stacie’s visit still work there.

FILE #2: A 21-year-old Arizona man stands accused of a string of robberies — and he’s probably grateful the cops caught up with him and put an end to his misfortune. At the first stickup, the hapless hooligan dropped his gun and it broke. At the second, he had to stop in mid-getaway to use an inhaler to relieve an asthma attack. And at the third, he locked himself out of his getaway car. After he finally broke into his own vehicle, the cops pulled him over for driving at night without his headlights on, bringing his life of crime to a halt.

FILE #3: A New Zealand policeman liked his job so much, he bought his police station. Jim Beardsley retires this week after 33 years, but will continue to be landlord to the Cambridge Police. The Cambridge force needed a bigger station, but didn’t want to buy it themselves, so Constable Beardsley stepped in. The force now occupies a spacious, air conditioned office, just yards from the back fence of Constable Beardsley’s house. ***MARLAR: In case there’s any confusion… buying off a police station is okay.  It’s buying off a police officer that gets you into trouble.

STRANGE LAW: Many cities have statutes preventing ministers and barbers from eating garlic or onions during their hours of business.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A man is so desperate for beer, he gets creative in finding transportation to the nearest gas station.

With a revoked license because of a previous drunken-driving conviction, Dennis Cretton shouldn’t drive. But authorities said that didn’t stop the 49-year-old man from drunkenly driving up to a gas station for more beer – on his yellow riding lawnmower.  Cretton was charged with felony aggravated driving under the influence after neighbors reported he was weaving in and out of traffic on his lawnmower. When deputies tried to stop him, authorities said Cretton drove the mower into his home’s front yard, his 12-pack of Milwaukee’s Best spilling onto the ground along the way.

PHONER PHUN

Which old movie would you like to see a remake of?

Which old movie should never be remade?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Which two disciples asked Jesus to sit at His right hand and left hand?

ANSWER: James and John (Mark 10:35-37)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How far will the average office chair with wheels travel in one-year’s time?

ANSWER: Eight miles

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Corn is an ingredient in about 300 grocery products. (False – try more than 3,000)

2. It takes 1,000 pounds of milk to make 15 pounds of cottage cheese. (False – it takes 100 pounds of milk)

3. The banana is the world’s largest herb. (True)

4. Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of women’s feet. (True)

5. The average human drinks about 6,000 gallons of water in a lifetime. (False – 16,000 gallons)

6. Nolan Ryan was the first baseball player to make over $1 million dollars in a season. (True)

7. The toes of mummies were individually wrapped. (True)

8. “Mageiricophobia” is the intense fear of magic. (False – it’s the fear of having to cook)

9. Women shoplift more often than men. (True… the ratio is 4-to-1.)

10. Minnie Pearl’s famous price tag read “$1.98.” (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

CURIOSITY KILLS MARTIAN _________ (CAT)

After narrowly escaping an initial attack, the Mars rover Curiosity has reportedly run over a Martian cat. The incident comes after an already tumultuous stay on the Red Planet, as those “seven minutes of terror” that brought Curiosity down to the surface was quickly countered with a Martian swarm.

A picture of the cat-like creature’s corpse, taken by one of Curiosity’s cameras, was sent to NASA on Tuesday. The question of whether or not this planet has life was answered for all of the Earth’s naysayers within the first few hours of Curiosity’s arrival. However, the robot’s continued encounters with Martian lifeforms has provided many more questions.

How will the Martians retaliate against Earth for killing one of their precious, feline-like companions? Do cats on Mars also have nine lives? Are there Martian puppies?

Developments about the rover itself also continue to unravel. Details about the rover’s abilities have surprised many as it continues its search on Mars. From self-repair programming to a crude grappling gun that helped it escape those initial attacks, Curiosity continues to inspire awe in its design and functionality. However, many are now skeptical about the robot’s chances against advanced alien weaponry.

Weekly World News will continue to follow Curiosity as it makes its way to the Tylon Canyon, miles south of where it took the life of the Martian Cat. President Barack Obama is expected to provide a formal apology to the Martian people for the incident on Wednesday.

When reached, a PETA spokesman was unable to comment on whether the organization advocates for ethical treatment of Martian animals.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

“No thanks,” said Doug. “I’ll just have a cup of black coffee.”

“I’ll have black coffee too,” Bill said. “And please make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. “Two cups of black coffee,” she announced. “Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

JOKE #2

A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. 

”Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”

JOKE #3

At the scale manufacturers’ convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight. 

She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: “One hundred and sixty-three.”

USELESS FACTS

The Consumers Union says 75% of people who use the internet don’t trust web sites that sell things. ***MARLAR: For more information, log on to our website to purchase the complete report.

This will probably come as no surprise to married women, but a University of Michigan study shows that having a husband creates an extra seven hours of extra housework a week. On the other hand, for guys who are married, having a wife saves him from an hour of chores each week.  ***MARLAR: I’m not seeing the downside.

FEATURED FUNNIES

SAM’S FISHING

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam’s approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

3-Year-Old Biker Dude!
In New Delhi, three-year-old Azeem Khan has been granted a special motorcycle license by the Indian DMV. Azeem had to prove he could control the powerful Royal Enfield Bullet after his dad added special extensions to the controls so he could reach them. His proud father, Shantanu Khan says of his toddler, “He is much safer than most adult drivers I know.” But Azeem, who turns four next month, is not allowed out on the main roads on his own. Dad says, “Of course I won’t let him drive on the busy roads without me on the bike as well. I trust Azeem but I don’t trust other drivers.” And the pint-sized biker already has his sights set on his next set of wheels — a Harley Davidson — which is his dream.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Your body is a temporary house that you occupy before moving into eternity. The body itself is not evil, only the sinful nature that manipulates it. Concerning the human body, Paul first taught the Corinthians that their bodies were “actually parts of Christ” (1 Corinthians 6:15). It would be unthinkable to take Christ’s body and place it in an immoral situation! In the same way, you must consider your body as respectfully as you would Christ’s own body.
Second, Paul stated that the body is the “temple of the Holy Spirit”
(v. 19). To use it in outward sin, therefore, obviously grieves Him. If you consider an earthly temple as holy, how much more should you respect a temple where the Holy Spirit is physically present!
Finally, Paul says, “You were bought at a price.” Your body is worth the highest price ever paid for anything—the blood of Jesus. If God sets such a high price on your body, how much more should you cherish it!
Value your body, and don’t cheapen it with immorality. Refuse to yield it to the desires of the sinful nature. Keep it pure, and one day it will be glorified like Jesus’ body.

–Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

OUR MAIN CALLING

Read: Exodus 19:1-8

I bore you on eagles’ wings and brought you to Myself. —Exodus 19:4

In our performance-driven world, Christians often assume that God’s main calling on their lives is to work for Him. But working for Christ should be secondary to our devotion to Him. As Oswald Chambers warned: “The greatest competitor of devotion to Jesus is service for Him.”

I encountered this subtle “competitor” soon after the Lord led our family to start a ministry among street addicts. We loved these searching youths, and I devoted my entire attention and energy to helping them experience Christ’s saving power.

Then Derek, one of our seekers, ran back to London and to drugs. This loss shocked me into realizing that I had become so absorbed in our work that my devotion to Jesus had lost its importance. God used my distresses as “eagles’ wings” to carry me away from my worship of work and back to my first love—Jesus!

God did the same for Israel in Moses’ day. He delivered the Hebrews from an impossible taskmaster and brought them on “eagles’ wings” back to Himself (Exodus 19:4).

Praise God, Derek soon returned. Meanwhile, I had learned a lesson that’s vital for all followers of Jesus. Our God-given work must never compete with our main calling: devotion to Christ. —Joanie Yoder

Striving for souls, I loved the work too well;
Then disappointments came; I could not tell
The reason, till He said, “I am thine all;
Unto Myself I call.” —Cowman

Many Christians are strong on service but weak on worship.

LEFTOVERS

TOUGH LOVE

Want to adopt a child? Better get those boxing gloves out!  One couple has been turned down for an adoption because they don’t argue enough! As if adopting a child isn’t difficult enough as it is . . . one couple’s application to adopt a child was rejected because – get this – they don’t ARGUE enough!  A Swedish Welfare board says that the couple is unfit to be parents because they don’t have enough experience arguing with each other. According to the welfare board, ”To be able to resolve conflicts, one needs to have experience in arguing and conflict resolving. Children should grow up in an environment that allows them to argue as it will teach them about differences of opinion.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

TIPS FOR GETTING ENOUGH PHYSICAL ACTIVITY

It may sound daunting: The government says most adults should get 2 1/2 hours a week of physical activity that revs their heart rates. But if you can’t do that much, don’t give up – every little bit helps, especially as people age. “The message should always be to take it slow by setting realistic but challenging goals,” says Jack Rejeski, Wake Forest University professor of health and exercise science. He recommends a walk with friends “and before you know it, you’re through.”

Some tips:

  • The recommendation is for moderate-intensity physical activity, things like a brisk walk, water aerobics, cutting grass with a push mower, taking a dance class, doubles tennis.

  • Just doing 10 minutes at a time counts. A few 10-minute activities each day add up.

  • If you’ve been sedentary, build up gradually.

  • If you prefer more vigorous activity – like jogging or singles tennis or a fast bike ride – the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says 75 minutes a week is sufficient. One minute of vigorous activity counts for two minutes of moderate activity.

  • The CDC says moderate-intensity means you’re not breathing too hard to talk but you couldn’t sing.

  • In addition to the aerobic activity, the CDC urges muscle-strengthening activities at least two days a week. That can range from digging in the garden and yoga to push-ups or lifting weights.

JUST FOR FUN

WEDDING ROBBERY

Call it the case of the runaway bridal gowns. 

Hundreds of wedding dresses worth more than $230,000 were stolen from a Vancouver store.  Investigators were seeking clues at consignment shops, wedding stores and other businesses after the heist was discovered.  Police Inspector Tim Laidler said he had never heard of so many dresses being stolen at once.   None of the stolen dresses was reserved for a wedding, so there won’t be any unhappy brides, and only dresses up for sale were taken.  ***MARLAR: So, if you steal a dress for your own wedding, does that count as “something borrowed”?

FUN LIST

BACK-TO-SCHOOL PRE-TEST

It’s time for kids to go back to school, and as a public service, I’m here to give your kids a little back-to-school pre-test on various subjects:

HISTORY: Paul Revere made his ride through the Massachusetts countryside to:

a)      warn everybody that the British were coming;

b)      call The Minutemen to arms;

c)      see how well the new stereo system he installed on his horse sounded.

MATH: Farmer Brown has six chickens. Four chickens lay one egg a day; two chickens lay an egg every other day. In your typical story problem, the question to answer would be:

a)      how many days does it take for the chicken to lay a dozen eggs;

b)      how many eggs will the chickens lay in a year;

c)      how low does the price of eggs have to drop before Farmer Brown gives up and turns his chickens into six buckets of original recipe.

CHEMISTRY: Mixing a metal like sodium with a corrosive acid and a caustic alkali (alk-uh-lie) will produce:

a)      a salt dissolved in water;

b)      a discharge of chlorine gas;

c)      a trip to the ER.

ENGLISH: An example of a preposition is:

a)      in

b)      over

c)      “Hey, do I have the deal for you.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THEY’RE BACK!

The movie ‘Failure to Launch’ has come true for many families. Here’s what to do when your adult child moves back home (according to author Barbara McRae)

The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 19- to 30-year-olds either return home after college – or have never left. The media refers to them as “Boomerang Kids.” Parents are worried that their kids won’t ever be motivated to start their own lives. 
This phenomenon is highlighted in the movie “Failure to Launch.” Matthew McConaughey plays Tripp, 30-something bachelor whose parents want him out of the house. They hire Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker), an “interventionist,” to help him move out. Paula has a track record of successfully boosting men’s self-confidence to spur them to want to be independent.

This story line is not as far-fetched as it may seem. Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult to coax out of their comfy childhood homes. According to Twentysomethings.com, since the ’70s, the number of 26-year-olds still living at home has nearly doubled! Here are the top four factors I’ve found that contribute to this change:

1. Kids Are Unprepared
They are overwhelmed by the prospect of responsibility or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by staying in their familiar surroundings, playing computer games, and just hanging out.  Often such young people have grown up living a privileged lifestyle. Well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities of affluence. The parents are focused on doing more for their children than their parents did for them—at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don’t move out because they’ve got it made! 
How to Help: Teach young adults how to become self-sufficient by giving them opportunities to grow into healthy adults. Show them how to create a budget and how to save for big expenditures. Let them make their own choices and reap the consequences. Step back and let the Law of Cause and Effect happen organically; don’t rescue. Young adults need to clean up their messes; otherwise no growth takes place.

2. Kids Are Cautious or Clueless About a Career
They want a great life, but are unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today’s competitive world. 
Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It’s best to start young, at age 13. This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment. However, if this hasn’t happened…
How to Help: Parents can help young adults get career savvy by providing career coaching services on how to get hired. Young adults can begin using networking (the #1 job search technique) by conducting informational interviews with family contacts or leaders in the industries that they are considering for themselves. There’s no need to wait until mid-life to learn how to build a satisfying future.

3. Kids Have Personal Problems
They don’t have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships, are grieving some other loss, or are wrestling with a challenging life event.  In “Failure to Launch,” we learn that Tripp’s parents indulged him largely because the woman he loved died and he hadn’t gotten over his loss. When Tripp falls in love with Paula, his self-sabotaging habit of dumping a girl before she can get too close gets reactivated. Finally, his friends intervene, and Tripp eventually faces his demons–and begins his adult life… How to Help: If your young adult is struggling emotionally, don’t make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your son or daughter get professional help from a therapist or pastoral counselor so that he or she can move forward. (If you don’t know how to have that kind of conversation, consider talking to a pastoral counselor yourself.)

4. Kids Have Mounting Debt
They’ve accumulated significant credit card debt, and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off.  According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55% of students ages 16-22have at least one credit card. If your child falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your child understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future… How to Help: Kids can’t learn to manage money if they don’t have any, or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it’s important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses. If the purpose of your child’s return home is to pay off bills or a college loan, have a realistic financial plan and stick to it to make sure your young adult moves in the direction of independence.

5. And finally… Determine goals and stick to them! 

Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child’s inaction does not help a son or daughter “get launched.” If your child defaults on your agreement, you might renegotiate more realistic terms; if it happens again, insisting that your child vacate the premises–as hard as that is–will help him or her launch into responsible adulthood.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

When your home’s laundry day comes up again, keep in mind there are six common mistakes you could be making with your dryer:

Not preparing clothes for drying

Neglecting to sort

Not Using a lint brush to dislodge and remove lint that the screen may not have captured

Not paying attention to your dryer vent pipe

Not cleaning your lint screen and moisture sensors

Ignoring the area under and around the dryer.

Find out why each of these are important at http://wapo.st/2bakX6F

Most weddings have at least one incident that makes it memorable. For Katie and Tom Quirk, it will be their flower girl, Chloe. At their recent wedding in Melbourne, Australia, their 3 year old niece got bored and made a run for it. As the couple said their vows at their outdoor venue on a local pier, the video of the wedding caught Chloe in full flight behind the couple, in full view of the crowd, with her mom in hot pursuit. The bride said she had to repeat her part of the vows three times because she and the guests were laughing so hard.  Watch the video at http://on.mash.to/2a2mv57.

A missionary priest in Mexico is working to get violent gang members to instead join the “Gang of Christ.” According to Christian Headlines, Jose Luis Guerra, a Catholic deacon who will be ordained as a priest nearly a year ago, has a passion for ministering to gang members. Guerra works in the city of Monterrey, Mexico, about 125 miles from the United States border. Guerra works with a team of 15 fellow missionaries, most of whom are ex-gang members. http://dlvr.it/LwHQ5T

The Bible Gateway recently conducted a Facebook Live interview with Joni Tada. The founder of Joni and Friends answers questions about suffering and hope. If you missed the live event, you can still watch it online. http://ow.ly/NvYF302Y4Q1

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

And now, a totally unnecessary social tip from the boss’s office. When hosting a dinner party, don’t bother mentioning whether or not the cat’s litter box is dishwasher-safe.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 19, 2016…

Ben-Hur—Here is the third re-make of this famous novel by Lew Wallace.  The first was in the 1920’s. the second in 1959 with Charlton Heston (Ben-Hur) and Stephen Boyd as Massala, his nemesis. Oh, that famous chariot race and done live, too.  Well, today, we have Jack Huston as Ben-Hur with Toby Kebbell as the bad guy Messala. Richly done and with plenty of action, we follow the adventures of Ben-Hur from a good life to slavery and back again, against the backdrop of the time of Christ. “Ben-Hur” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Kickboxer: Vengeance—Fans of Jean Claude Van Damme hate to admit it, but now is the time for their martial arts hero to become a Master in films, and that is what happens.  He becomes the Master (coach) to a new fighter  in order to beat the man who killed Van Damme‘s brother.  Who is the villain, you ask?  Why Dave Bautista, no less. The action begins. “Kickboxer: Vengeance: is rated R. No rating.

Kubo And The Two Strings—This is a stop-action anime film that tells the story of a young Asian boy-hero. The voices you may recognize will be Matthew McConaughey (playing a beetle), Rooney Mara and Charlize Theron. “Kubo And The Two Strings” is rated PG. No rating.

The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he speaks to with.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

War Dogs—Based on an article from “Rolling Stone” magazine, the film is about two guys (Seth Rogen and Miles Teller) who win a multi-million dollar arms contract from the US. They are supposed to supply arms to troops in Afghanistan. Well, what a premise, and with Seth Rogen aboard, you know the hilarity will begin. “War Dogs” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Southside With You—This film is about how Michelle Obama and Barack Obama first met and began dating. Who is daring enough to take on these roles?  Tika Sumpter is Michelle and Parker Sawyers plays Barack. Directed by first-timer Richard Tanne. “Southside With You” is rated PG 13. No rating.

AUGUST 26, 2016…

Blood Father is a thriller starring Mel Gibson and about saving family.

Don’t Breathe has teens breaking into a house for a robbery but find trouble. Stars Jane Levy.

Hands of Stone is the story of champion boxer Roberto Duran and stars Edgar Ramirez..

Mechanic: Resurrection has Jason Statham returning in the role and saving his girlfriend.  Again.

The Hollars is written and directed by John Krasinski. It’s about returning to your family and finding them as dysfunctional as ever.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.