August 25, 2015: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150825

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – not available in fine stores everywhere — or even in neighborhoods with good zoning regulations.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

If any of you lacks wisdom he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  –James 1:5

 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. –Psalm 51:12

 

When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. — Psalm 94:18-19

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. — Matthew 11:28

 

Thought: Where do you go when you are exhausted and in need of rest? No bed, no vacation, no retreat can give us a truly refreshing rest if that rest doesn’t involve coming to Jesus. So what are you waiting for? Come to Jesus and enjoy the blessings of his presence, his love, his forgiveness, his grace, and his rest!

 

Prayer: Almighty God, your Son Jesus is my strength and hope. I look forward to the day when he returns in triumph for me and all of your children. But Father, I want to know him better and to live for him with an undivided heart. I want to find rest in his presence, meaning in his service, and significance in his acceptance. Please bless me as I journey toward a deeper relationship with you and as I gain a more profound knowledge of your Son. In the name of Jesus Christ my Lord, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Mark 8:25 NIV = Once more Jesus put his hands on the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – AUGUST 25, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 125 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is KISS AND MAKE UP DAY. ***MARLAR: Either this is a day to mend broken relationships, or to dress up as an old 70’s/80’s rock group. Not really sure.

 

BE KIND TO HUMANKIND WEEK begins today.  ***MARLAR: And you can begin by kissing and making up!  (Ewww…)

 

Today is NATIONAL BANANA SPLIT DAY.  ***MARLAR: Much more effective than a kiss, if you ask me.  If you’re a friend of mine and we need to make up, a banana split is going to go a much longer way towards forgiveness than a smoochie.

 

Today is 007 DAY. Always on the birthday of Sean Connery! (Born August 25, 1930 in Edinburgh, Scotland.) ***MARLAR: Nowadays, Sean has turned in James Bond and is using Gold Bond! (

)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Kiss and Make Up Day

National Park Service Day

National Second-hand Wardrobe Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26

National Dog Day

National Toilet Paper Day

Tug-of-War Day

Women’s Equality Day

 

THURSDAY, AUGUST 27

The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day

 

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28

Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day

Radio Commercials Day

Crackers Over The Keyboard Day

World Daffodil Day

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29

According to Hoyle Day

Franchise Appreciation Day

Individual Rights Day

International Bat Night

International Day Against Nuclear Tests

More Herbs, Less Salt Day

National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day

 

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30

International Bat Night

International Day of the Victims of Enforced Disappearances

International Whale Shark Day

National Grief Awareness Day

National Holistic Pet Day

National Toasted Marshmallow Day

Pony Express Day

 

MONDAY, AUGUST 31

International Overdose Awareness Day

Love Litigating Lawyers Day

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 01

Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day

Calendar Adjustment Day

Chicken Boy’s Day

Emma M. Nutt Day

International Day of Awareness of the Dolphins of Taiji

National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day

Save Japan’s Dolphins Day

Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1878: Saskatchewan’s first newspaper, The Saskatchewan Herald, published its first issue in Regina.

 

1949: “Father Knows Best” premiered on NBC Radio. Starring Robert Young as dad Jim Anderson, it moved to TV in 1954. Jim lived with wife Margaret, son Bud, and daughters Betty and Kathy on Maple Street in Springfield. ***MARLAR: Nowadays, a television show where the father is intelligent is called a “rerun.” (

)

 

1951: The “Lubbock Lights” first appeared in Texas. They were widely believed to be UFOs.

 

1970: Elton John made his first live American appearance in Los Angeles, opening for singer David Ackles.

 

1972: In Great Britain, computerized axial tomography (CAT scan) was introduced.

 

1985: 19-year-old Dwight Gooden became the youngest major league pitcher ever to win 20 games in a season.

 

1988: CBS aired the final episode of the police series “Cagney and Lacey.” Sharon Gless was Christine Cagney, Tyne Daly played Mary Beth Lacey. (

)

 

1989: 37-year-old singer John Mellencamp became a grandfather when daughter Michelle gave birth to her daughter Elexis Suzanne Peach.

 

1993: A 29-year-old preacher and a carload of 17 naked Pentecostals crashed into a tree during a police chase near Vinton, Louisiana. The pastor told a Vinton reporter that God told the group to leave Texas and their clothes behind. A week later he admitted to a judge it wasn’t really God’s idea.

 

1994: Singer Billy Joel and model Christie Brinkley were divorced.

 

1994: The TV drama “My So-Called Life” debuted on ABC. (

)

 

2002: Petri Valta of Finland bested over 90 contestants from seven countries when he hurled a Nokia 5510 handset over 66 meters, setting a new world record at the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championships in Savonlinna, Finland.

 

2003: In Newcastle on Tyne, England, a two-year-old who dragged her bed across a room then climbed onto a third-floor window ledge and fell 35 feet, escaped with only scratches and bruises. ***MARLAR: When they said she was a bouncing baby girl, they meant it.

 

2003: Tennis champ Pete Sampras announced his retirement at the U.S. Open in New York.

 

2004: The World Health Organization warned that polio was on the verge of becoming a major epidemic in Africa as it spread to new countries.

 

2005: The mayor of one Budapest district declared female City Hall staff should wear miniskirts only if they had “completely perfect legs.” Gabor Mitynan also wanted male employees to wear blazers in summer. He said the staff dressed like beggars and that few women had “well-trained bellies worth showing to people.”

 

2005: South Florida residents prepared for the arrival of Tropical Storm Katrina, which forecasters said was likely to become a hurricane.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1270: Louis IX, king of France since 1226, dies. Louis had been close to death 26 years earlier, and he vowed if he recovered from his bout with malaria, he would lead a crusade. In 1248 he kept his promise and led the Seventh Crusade in an unsuccessful attempt to crush the Muslim political center in Egypt. When he died, the holy king (who had spent much of his reign wearing hair shirts, collecting relics, and visiting hospitals—where he often emptied bedpans) was fighting in the northern Africa city of Tunis during the Eighth Crusade. Lying on a bed of ashes, his last words lamented the city he never won: “Jerusalem, Jerusalem”.

 

1560: Led by John Knox, the reformed Church of Scotland is established on Protestant lines. The Scottish parliament accepts the Calvinistic Scots Confession, forbids the mass, and declares the pope has no jurisdiction in Scotland.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Director (Sleepy Hollow, Beetlejuice) Tim Burton, 56
  • actress (Fatal Attraction, Patriot Games, Clear And Present Danger) Anne Archer 67
  • Actor (“Picket Fences” Sheriff Jimmy Brock, M*A*S*H motion picture) Tom Skerritt  81
  • TV host (“Regis & Kathy Lee”, “Millionaire”) Regis Philbin 81
  • actor (British secret agent in The Rock, James Bond, agent 007 in Dr. No, and Goldfinger, a Russian sub captain in Hunt for Red October, master thief opposite Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment) Sean Connery 84
  • TV host (“Let’s Make a Deal”) Monty Hall 91

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1913 : Bob Crosby

1918 : Leonard Bernstein

1933 : Wayne Shorter

1941 : Christopher Augustine (Every Mother’s Son)

1942 : Walter Williams (The O’Jays)

1949 : Gene Simmons [Kiss]; Born Chaim Witz

1950 : Willy DeVille

1951 : Rob Halford (Judas Priest)

1952 : Geoff Downs (Asia)

1954 : Elvis Costello

1961 : Billy Ray Cyrus

1962 : Vivian Campbell (Def Leppard)

1966 : DJ Terminator X (Public Enemy)

1969 : Jo Dee Messina

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where did charm bracelets come from?
Charm bracelets date back to 5000 BC. Ancient Egyptians adorned their bracelets with the ankh, a life symbol, and the eye of Horus, their Sun God. Like many cultures, they believed the amulets gave them some protection from evil. The word “amulet” is derived from “hamala”, an Arabic word meaning “to carry”.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Tobymac was on Fox and Friends and, as part of the broadcast, the artist who’s real name is Kevin McKeehan, shared how he got the stage name Toby. He says that, before he was born, his older brother would ask when he was coming. His mom said he would be born in October so his brother started referring to him as Tober. The name stuck and now Kevin Michael McKeehan is known around the world as Toby Mac.  https://t.co/4PKOkWyOJG

 

A good reminder from Danny Gokey: The Devil’s plan is always the same-Leads you to temptation, says your life will be better with it and then he destroys, shames and exposes you when you do it.

 

Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips found a perfect way to try out having a tattoo He tweeted a picture sporting a temporary tattoo of a rose on his lower right arm with the words: So…what do you think? https://t.co/1HDL6QglTJ

 

Third Day’s Mark Lee and Mac Powell joined Jamie Grace and others for a pre-screening of the Kendrick brothers new movie War Room over the weekend. The movie will release this coming Thursday and Mark Lee said: the War Room Movie was amazing. Great story about the power of prayer! Jamie Grace added: War Room is a MUST see!

 

Meredith Andrews says: sometimes you just gotta take a break from packing and moving and go catch some crawfish.

 

Plumb says they have written God’s faithfulness on their hearts and now they are writing it on the walls of their home. They are in the process of building on to and renovating their home, affectionately called the Hope House and, before painting, the members of the family are writing notes telling of God’s faithfulness on the walls. https://t.co/AIFGR27smL

 

Shawn Craig, of Phillips, Craig and Dean had these thoughts recently on the untouchables in the world around us. He said: Today you will meet people who are outcasts, not accepted by the in-crowd—the untouchables—sometimes because of fear or misunderstanding, sometimes because of grudges. Jesus is hoping that you will cross the line, open the door, walk across the room, send the text, write the note…touch them. Because today and now, you are His hands.

 

Fans of the movie Courageous will remember John Waller’s song While I’m Waiting that was featured in the movie. A new movie from the Kendrick brothers comes out this week. It’s called War Room and John Waller is once again part of the release. The song featured in the latest movie is called Crazy Faith and, according to New Release Today, the song is also the first release and title cut from John’s fourth studio project. You can check out a video of Crazy Faith here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3I9TVikxUE

 

Jimmy Needham joined others to protest Planned Parenthood over the weekend. The protest was part of a nationwide effort Saturday morning from 9 to 11am local time. Pro-life Americans in over 280 cities protested Planned Parenthood’s harvesting and selling of aborted baby parts. Jimmy described the gathering at a local Planned Parenthood location in Duncanville, TX as a peaceful, prayerful protest.

 

A serious reminder from Jamie Grace: just this week four of my friends have gotten in pretty serious car accidents. They’re all recovering okay, but two of their cars were totaled and none of them are at 100% yet. While there are so many different reasons as to why these wrecks happened I want to be the grandma here and encourage everyone reading this to really evaluate the way you drive and the fact that it could have an affect on others. Not that this is about my emotional stability but getting the call of an accident is the worst. Lives are too valuable to take the risks that a lot of us take on a daily basis.

put your phone away.

don’t speed.

wear your seatbelt.

drive like you’re taking your test all over again.

if music distracts you, turn it off.

get a dashboard mount for your GPS/phone.

learn how to be hands free with phone calls.

pull over if you need to send a text.

if you’re tired – don’t drive.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

New Mexicans say they dished out world’s longest tamale
BELEN, N.M. (AP) — A group of people in New Mexico say they cooked the world’s longest tamale Saturday morning. Luis Hernandez of the ABQ West Chamber of Commerce says that a team of more than 30 chefs at Viva II, a three-day celebration of the state’s heritage, assembled a 116-foot. 7-inch…

 

Ball State freshman wins free tuition with half-court shot
MUNCIE, Ind. (AP) — An incoming freshman has won free tuition for a semester at Ball State University after sinking a half-court shot. Lem Turner of Illinois made the lucky shot Thursday night during a freshman pep rally for this year’s athletic events at Worthen Arena. The event was held as…
Mama bear, 5 cubs beat the heat in New Jersey family’s pool
ROCKAWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) — A mama bear and her five cubs decided to beat the heat in a New Jersey backyard pool. Tim Basso posted a video online showing the bears climbing into his family’s above-ground pool, tumbling out of it, dragging around pool toys and climbing on a slide and swing…
Defense lawyer skips hearing so wife in labor won’t kill him
PITTSBURGH (AP) — A Pittsburgh defense attorney got a hearing postponed at the last minute after convincing a judge that his wife’s labor was a matter of life — or his death. The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review (http://bit.ly/1hQ0LJm) reports Marc Daffner was granted a continuance Thursday…
Seed bugs swarm California communities, invade homes, cars    photo
LONE PINE, Calif. (AP) — The gas station’s ground was covered with the small winged bugs. Piles of carcasses, inches deep, sat swept to the sides. On the road, they rained onto car windshields. They flew by the thousands toward even the smallest sources of light, and crept along windows and…
UK marine researchers receive ‘oldest message in a bottle’    photo
LONDON (AP) — A century-old message in a bottle, possibly the oldest ever found, has finally reached its destination. Tossed into the North Sea sometime between 1904 and 1906, the bottle washed up on the beach on the German island of Amrum, and was found by a couple in April. Inside they…
Phoenix police rescue puppy trapped in pipe after 10 hours    photo
PHOENIX (AP) — Police serving a drug-related search warrant at a Phoenix home found themselves part of a 10-hour rescue effort to free a puppy trapped in a sewage pipe. Authorities say officers went to the home Thursday morning and found a very young puppy alive but stuck in an open pipe that…
Pig OK after flying out of trailer going 65 mph on highway
FORT COLLINS, Colo. (AP) — Maybe pigs can fly. Authorities in northern Colorado say a 250-pound porker escaped relatively unscathed when it flew out of a trailer that was being pulled at about 65 mph on Interstate 25. HASH(0x140fc60) Colorado State Patrol Trooper G.A. Villavicencio says he…
Police: Florida woman lied about kidnapping to skip work
PANAMA CITY, Fla. (AP) — A Florida Panhandle woman is accused of making up a lie about being kidnapped so she wouldn’t have to return to her job as a night shift nursing assistant. In a news release, the Panama City Police Department said its officers and other agencies spent several hours…
Jail spots sheets hanging from cell, foiling escape attempt    photo
SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) — Staffers at a jail in eastern Washington state foiled an escape attempt by spotting a long trail of knotted bed sheets hanging from the window of a cell housing a suspect in a murder-for-hire plot. HASH(0x140e160) The cell belongs to James Henrikson, a felon linked to…
Hurt man, 70, survived week in woods by drinking rain water
AVON, N.Y. (AP) — Authorities say a 70-year-old man who fell while walking the woods near his western New York home survived a week outdoors by drinking rain water. Police say Donald Farrell was following two deer off a trail when he lost his footing and fell on Aug. 9 in Avon. That’s about…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Second cancers are on the rise; 1 in 5 US cases is a repeat    photo
Second cancers are on the rise. Nearly 1 in 5 new cases in the U.S. now involves someone who has had the disease before. When doctors talk about second cancers, they mean a different tissue type or a different site, not a recurrence or spread of the original tumor. Judith Bernstein of suburban…

 

Sierra Leone releases its last known Ebola patient    photo
MAKENI, Sierra Leone (AP) — Health authorities in Sierra Leone have released the country’s last known Ebola patient from the hospital. The patient’s release on Monday now starts the clock for a 42-day countdown until the World Health Organization can declare the country Ebola-free. Such a…
With many Ebola survivors ailing, doctors evaluate situation    photo
DAKAR, Senegal (AP) — Lingering health problems afflicting many of the roughly 13,000 Ebola survivors have galvanized global and local health officials to find out how widespread the ailments are, and how to remedy them. The World Health Organization calls it an emergency within an emergency….
As cancer treatment begins, Carter to scale back on work    photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Former President Jimmy Carter is stepping back from most of his humanitarian work and surrounding himself with family as doctors target the skin cancer that showed up in his liver and brain. Four generations of Carters are gathering in his tiny hometown of Plains, Georgia, to…
Carter to get radiation, new immune therapy for skin cancer    photo
It was found in his liver and then in his brain, but very well may have started in his skin. Former President Jimmy Carter revealed Thursday that he has melanoma, a serious form of cancer. Carter, who will turn 91 in October, said he has already begun treatments for four small brain tumors. A look…
Anti-abortion group releases video snippet after court win
LOS ANGELES (AP) — An anti-abortion group released a snippet of video on Friday showing a California company executive discussing fetal tissue for research after a judge ruled the group could show the footage even if it was illegally recorded. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Joanne O’Donnell…
PTSD patients sue Colorado over marijuana decision
DENVER (AP) — Colorado’s decision not to allow marijuana to treat post-traumatic stress disorder has prompted a lawsuit by PTSD sufferers. Five PTSD patients filed suit Thursday in Denver District Court. They’re challenging a July decision by the Colorado Board of Health not to make PTSD the…
Historic hotel named source of deadly Legionnaires’ outbreak
NEW YORK (AP) — A historic hotel’s rooftop air-conditioning unit is the source of a Legionnaires’ disease outbreak that has killed 12 people and sickened more than 100 in the Bronx, the city’s health commissioner said Thursday. After extensive sampling and testing of Legionnaires’-causing…
Earliest breast cancer risky for some women, study suggests    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — New research shows that chances of dying from very early breast cancer are small but the disease is riskier for young women and blacks, the same disparities seen for more advanced cancer. Death rates in the 20 years after diagnosis totaled about 3 percent for women whose breast…
Medical marijuana advocate in Washington dies from cancer    photo
COLVILLE, Wash. (AP) — A northeastern Washington man at the center of a nationally watched medical marijuana case has died of pancreatic cancer, six months after the federal government dropped charges against him. Larry Harvey was 71. He died Thursday in a hospital in Colville, Washington….
Drug industry links run deep in field of sexual medicine    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — How do you measure sexual desire? If you’re a drugmaker trying to win approval for a medication to boost female libido, it might come down to two questions on a medical questionnaire. Those questions made the difference for Sprout Pharmaceuticals, which received federal…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police in Pennsylvania say Travis Turner has phoned 911 sixty-three times in the last three years. Most recently, when first responders arrived to treat what he said was chest pain, they discovered he was actually having problems with his air conditioner.  *** Then again, no AC in (AUGUST) certainly qualifies as an emergency in my book.

 

A man in China was jailed for 10 months after he robbed a police station and a government building and helped himself to snacks and drinks. Police tracked down the culprit by analyzing DNA left on wrappers and cups left at the scene.  *** You might wonder why on Earth someone would rob a police station for snacks – but obviously, they would have the best donuts.

 

The rise in drone popularity has opened up a new industry — anti-drone defense systems. New technologies are being developed in order to keep drones away from places they shouldn’t be or doing things they shouldn’t do.  *** How about an anti-droning system for Washington D.C.

 

People with initials such as ACE or GOD are likely to live longer than those whose names spell out words like APE, DUD, RAT or PIG. The study looked at 27 years’ worth of California death certificates.  ***MARLAR: Hmmm… so I’m guessing my initials spelling out DRM probably isn’t a great thing either.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

What tops your kid’s back-to-school list? Here’s a hint — it’s probably not new clothes. More than 40% of kids between 8 and 18 years of age would rather have a new smartphone, laptop, or tablet. That’s way off what parents think their kids want with 43% thinking it’s a new wardrobe.  ***MARLAR: In other words, it’s exactly like Christmas.

 

Men in their 40s and 50s who eat seven or more eggs a week have a higher risk of dying earlier, according to a 20-year study of 21,327 male physicians by researchers at Brigham and Women’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School.  ***MARLAR: Do Cadburys count?

 

A recent study finds that liquids make up 22 percent of calories in the average American’s diet. Is that good, or bad? Well, the problem is most Americans only count the calories they get from solid foods — which means we’re not aware of how calories are sneaking into our diet.  ***MARLAR: You mean all the veggie trays I ate last Christmas mean nothing because I washed them down with a vat of eggnog?  Well, that doesn’t seem fair…

 

A recent study says that Chicago has one of the most unpredictable commutes in the country. ***MARLAR: Ain’t that the truth!  During your commute you never know whether you’ll be dodging rain, snow or bullets!

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Energizer Bunny Battery”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Sally Boeke, “Kindergarten”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals had really busy schedules – so busy in fact that not only did they not have time to get everything done, but they didn’t have time even to plan what they had to do! They didn’t even have time for campfire meetings – and now, no time to even talk to each other!

 

CLOSE: It’s no wonder they’re so exhausted – they’ve been working so hard and so long without sleep! But now how will they get everything done on their schedules? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 29/30, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear was heading out for a picnic, singing show tunes. He wanted to go alone, but Millard the Monkey talked him into taking him along as well… but then Millard told all the other jungle animals, and now everybody is heading out for one gigantic picnic!

 

CLOSE: The mother of all picnic spots in order to have the mother of all picnics! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

It’s not exactly the father-daughter relationship you hope for.

In Gainesville, Florida, a 38-year-old father asked his daughter to turn off the computer. He allegedly used racist and sexist terms in his request so she fired back with some colorful language of her own. So he threw a pizza at her and hit her in the back of the neck. So she called the police and Dad was arrested on a charge of child abuse without great harm– a third-degree felony.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF WRITTEN BY COLLEGE STUDENTS

 

10) Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

 

9) Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

 

8) Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food.

 

7) Paul’s Letters to the Romans become Paul’s E-Mail to the Romans.

 

6) Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

 

5) The place where the end of the world occurs: not the Plains of Armageddon; rather, Finals.

 

4) Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

 

3) Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: He didn’t want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.

 

2) Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

 

1) Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Congratulations 34-year-old Jarell Arnold of Anchorage, Alaska — you are the dumbest bank robber of all time!

 

FILE #1: …Mr. Arnold was arrested after he gave a teller his account number and showed her his picture ID before allegedly robbing the bank. After checking his balance, he allegedly handed over a piece of paper with a note saying, “I have a gun. Give me all the money in your drawer.” He walked out of the bank with nearly $600 but was arrested after it turned out the account number and picture ID he gave were really his! He’s now in custody at the Anchorage jail and faces a federal bank robbery charge.

 

FILE #2: “You had them earlier – when did they fall off?” That’s what a United Kingdom police officer said recently when he noticed that suspected burglar who was about to be put in a lineup came back from the restroom without his eyebrows. He said he had a disease with causes his eyebrows to just suddenly fall off at times. His fake disease didn’t help, he was given an additional six months in jail for “perverting the course of justice.”

 

FILE #3: Evonne Maurice is going for a ride. But it won’t be in style. She’s been sentenced to more than three years in prison for a botched bank robbery using a limo. Prosecutors charged Maurice hired the limousine to act as her getaway car for the stick-up attempt at a Citizens Bank branch in Rhode Island. But the teller at the drive-up window triggered an alarm before Maurice got any loot. Prosecutors say the driver wasn’t in on the bank job.

 

STRANGE LAW: At one time in Michigan, a law stated that a husband legally owned his wife’s hair. She was not allowed to have it cut or even cut it herself unless she received permission from her husband.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A woman lets her back yard go to pot.

A Hernando, Florida woman could face charges of cultivation and possession of marijuana. The woman’s next-door neighbor told deputies that the plants were in plain view in her backyard, then he took them to his backyard, where they reported they could easily see about a dozen plants growing next to a hot tub. Inside the woman’s home, deputies said they found some partially smoked marijuana joints and a baggie containing marijuana. The alleged pot grower said she knew nothing about the marijuana plants, but she then told deputies she was growing it to gain weight after an injury. She was taken to the Citrus County jail and her bail was set at $10,000.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Went with a friend the other night to see a special in-theatre screening of the Ed Wood film, “Plan 9 From Outer Space” – considered by most to the be worst movie ever made. The movie was unintentionally funny because it was so bad. What movies would you put on the “worst of all time” list?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Jesus said that which prophet spoke of the “abomination of desolation”?

ANSWER: Daniel (Mark 13:14)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In ancient Greece, instead of flowers as are given today, what was the winner of an athletic event given?

ANSWER: A bunch of celery.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Tug-of-war used to be an Olympic event. (True, from 1900-1920)

 

  1. Baby rattlesnakes are born with a single rattle. (False – they are born without rattles)

 

  1. A group of turtles is called a “trul”. (False – a “bale”)

 

  1. Butterflies are colorblind. (False – they can see the colors green, red, and yellow)

 

  1. In America, 38% of doctors are East Indians. (True)

 

  1. Every square inch of the human body has about 19-million skin cells. (True)

 

  1. Dieting can cause bad breath. (True – because less saliva is produced which leads to dry mouth.)

 

  1. At the equator the Earth spins at about 10,000 miles per hour. (False – 1,000 miles per hour)

 

  1. Earth’s atmosphere is, proportionally, thinner than the skin of an apple. (True)

 

  1. Honolulu boasts the only royal palace in the U.S. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“_______ Golfer Gets Hole-in-One!”  (BLIND)

53-year-old Shelia Drummond hit a hole-in-one on the 144-yard, par-3 fourth hole at Mahoning Valley Country Club in Lehighton, Pennsylvania. What makes is so amazing is that Shelia never saw the ball go into the cup. She’s completely blind. She was playing with her husband and coach, Keith, and two friends in a steady rain when she made the amazing shot which cleared a water hazard, flew between traps and landed on the green, where it hit the flagstick before dropping into the hole. The United States Blind Golfers Association believes she is the first totally blind female to record a hole-in-one.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Arthur grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. He held up the thermos, and the waiter quickly came over to take his order.

“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” Arthur asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Oh, good!” Arthur sighed in relief, “Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

 

JOKE #2

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. “Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller, and checked the caller I.D. for which neighbor had called.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back. “Good morning, Mr. Williams,” said Bernard. “Just called to say that I don’t have a dog.”

 

JOKE #3

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

“The cupcakes look delicious, Mike.” his uncle said. He took a bite and said, “Mikey these are so good.” As he finished one cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. “The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey,” his uncle said. “How did you get the icing so neat?”

His nephew replied, “It was easy. I just licked them.”

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. “You licked all of these?”

Mikey replied, “Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

During the county fair season, the strange food creations return.  One of the newest – a potato-based food in Manhattan, Montana; mashed potato ice cream.  ***MARLAR: Finally, the perfect food: something you can top with both chocolate sauce AND gravy!

 

In many parts of the nation, kids head back to school this week.  ***MARLAR: There’s nothing more challenging and rewarding than teaching a student to read for the first time.  The 12th grade is a gratifying experience.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

ANNIVERSARY CARD

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office.

He told the florist to write “Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2” on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card.

It read “Happy Anniversary. You’re Number 2.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A GUN IN YOUR GARAGE
A car dealer in Knoxville, Tennessee, is giving away a controversial gift when you buy a car.

…Greg “Lumpy” Lambert is giving away free vouchers for customers to buy a gun and a free water pistol for every child during his special offer. Naturally, the “Second Amendment” gun sale has it’s share of critics, but Greg argues that East Tennessee “is a sportsman’s paradise” and that the guns — 8 mm deer rifles — are intended for hunters. He also notes that people not qualified to own guns, will not get the voucher. Meanwhile, gun control advocate Naomi Paiss blasts Advantage Auto sales gun promotion saying, “If it is possible to further lower the image of used car salesmen this guy has done it!”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Have you ever been in a pitched battle? Nehemiah was! As he neared the end of constructing the wall, he remained ever vigilant. He never took off his armor in the day of battle and kept his weapon with him at all times. Relaxation was not an option.
At times the spiritual warfare in life can reach a fever pitch. Satan knows when you are approaching a breakthrough threshold in the advancement of the Kingdom of Christ. But just like a sports team that fights hardest in a goal-line stand, you’ve got to hold steady and remain firm in the fiercest moment of battle.
As Paul said, “Use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm”
(Ephesians 6:13). When you are facing a crisis and engaged in spiritual warfare, don’t stop battling the devil until the breakthrough comes. There will be plenty of time for rest when the battle is won!

–Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

The Handle’s On The Other Side
When I was little, my Dad used to drop me off at a nearby church so I could go to the Sunday School they had there. We weren’t a church-type family so what I saw and heard there was all new to me. And I remember
this painting they had of Jesus – now I know it’s one of the most famous ones painted in modern times. You may have seen it. Jesus is in a garden, and He’s knocking on what looks to be a big oak door. The man who painted it was named Holman Hunt. And when he was ready to unveil it for the first time, he called his friends and family together to be the first to see it. Well, it was pretty quiet as each person stood there and drank in the deep feeling that painting conveys. Then people began to comment on what impressed them about it. But one friend said hesitantly, “Uh, Holman – it’s a beautiful painting. But – well, didn’t you forget something?” “What did I forget?” The friend said, “The handle. There’s no handle on the door.” To which the artist simply replied, “Oh! No, I didn’t forget the handle. When Jesus knocks on the door of your heart – the handle’s on the INSIDE.”
This painting was based on Jesus’ own words, recorded in our word for today from the Word of God, Revelation 3:20. It was a statement made originally to believers who had left Jesus out. But it also provides a
wonderful word picture of the process by which any person begins a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in.” It’s real important that we understand what Jesus is saying here – it helps us determine whether He is inside your heart – or outside. It’s literally the difference between eternity in heaven . . . or eternity in hell. I hope you can use this invitation of Jesus to determine exactly where you stand with Him.
Jesus says Step 1 is the knocking. I believe that happens in your heart when you start experiencing a spiritual tug inside . . . a restlessness that life must be more than this . . . a strange stirring inside that starts you looking God’s direction. Then comes Step 2 – you realize what you’re looking for – actually Who you’re looking for. In Jesus’ words, you “hear My voice.” You realize what you are looking for is Jesus . . . that the only way to be forgiven by God is to give yourself to the One who paid for your sins with His life.
A lot of people have come that far. But Jesus is still outside. Jesus said, “If anyone opens the door, I will come in.” And notice who opens the door. Jesus doesn’t push His way in. He waits for you to open the door. The handle’s on the inside. And it may be that you have never opened that door.
You agree with all the beliefs about Jesus . . . you like Jesus . . . you know about Jesus . . . you’ve been around Jesus a lot – but somehow there has never yet been that life-changing moment when you actually tell Jesus you are opening up your life to Him. And that’s the only step that brings Jesus from outside your heart to inside your heart.
So if Jesus were to come and take away all those who really belong to Him, you’d be left sitting where you are, maybe. But that could change today – right now. Again, Jesus is knocking, isn’t He? You can hear His voice in you, calling your name. Isn’t it time to put your hand on that handle and say, “Jesus, come on in! Beginning today, I’m Yours.”
If you’ve never done that, please open that door now. Get it settled once and for all. This could be your Jesus-day. He’s ready to enter your life forever – but the handle’s on the inside.

–Ron Hutchcraft

 

 

LEFTOVERS

The popular hymn In Christ Alone won’t appear in the new hymnal of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) because hymn writers Keith Getty and Stuart Townend refused to change the lyrics. Mary Louise Bringle, who chairs the Presbyterian Committee on Congregational Songs, writes in The Christian Century that some committee members objected to the line that says, “On that cross as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied.” She says they asked Getty and Townend if the lyric could be changed to say “the love of God was magnified.”  The hymn writers wouldn’t allow it. Getty has said they wrote In Christ Alone to tell “the whole gospel.”  Bringle writes that most committee members didn’t want the new Presbyterian hymnal to suggest that Jesus’ death on the cross was an atoning sacrifice that was needed “to assuage God’s anger” over sin.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

HAIR’S THE THING

(National Examiner) It’s easy to color your world when you know what hues go best with your hair. You can use your wardrobe to bring out the color in your face or your locks, or help downplay them, say experts. For instance, like the sunshine, yellow brightens anything it touches. Here are some other hints:

  • Redheads — Wear colors that compliment red tones, such as deep beige, green and peach. If your tresses are more auburn, bright rust will de-emphasize the hue of your hair. You should not wear pink unless it is muted in some way. Russet or maroon is better. Orange is also good for auburn hair. Blue-violet is very flattering.
  • Brunettes — Yellow is very flattering. Pale brunettes should not wear light blue because it gives you an orange-yellow tint. Dark reds are a good choice.
  • Blondes — Purple clothes will augment your complexion, while bright yellow ones will tone down your hair. Wearing clashing orange can make your hair look dull and faded. Blue-green shades are the most flattering.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

THE ONLY PRICELESS BOOK

In the days of Edward I, who ruled England in the thirteenth century, the price of a fairly well written Bible was 37 pounds, or approximately $184. The hire of a laborer was a penny and a half a day. The purchase of a copy of the Bible would have taken such a person 4,800 days, or thirteen years and fifty-five days, of continuous labor. Excluding Sabbaths, something more than fifteen years and three months of constant labor would have been required to save up enough to buy a Bible. (So treasure yours!)

 

 

FUN LIST

MY PREVIOUS JOBS… (get ready to do a little groaning here…)

  • My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn’t concentrate.
  • Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  • After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
  • Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
  • I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
  • Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.
  • Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
  • My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
  • I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.
  • Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.
  • I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
  • I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
  • I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.
  • So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
  • Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
  • After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
  • My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

You got any ideas? I’m opened for suggestions… maybe you have something that WORKS… because I don’t.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

IF YOU’RE HAVING A BABY, HAVE SOME FISH!

A new study has found that three-year-olds whose mothers ate more fish while pregnant with them scored better on several tests of cognitive function than those whose mothers avoided seafood. However, you have to be careful about what type of fish you eat because the study also found that children of women who had more mercury in their body did worse on the tests. While fish can contain harmful mercury, it also contains beneficial Omega-3fatty acids. When eating fish, pregnant women should avoid larger fish with longer life spans, like tuna and swordfish, because they have more mercury.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

One of the church’s most effective outreach to kids may also offer an opportunity to minister to the elderly. According to a Christianity Today report, one church recently held a Bible school in a retirement home. For two hours between breakfast and lunch, they brought Bible lessons, snacks, and crafts to a 14-person crowd 80, 90, and even 100 years older than traditional VBS students. But sharing the old Bible stories in a simple way and making simple crafts met the residents current needs since many are hard of hearing, have poor vision, and operate with limited motor skills. The Vacation Bible School program also allowed for more interaction than when a local minister comes in to preach a weekly sermon. http://bit.ly/1OVedpn

 

A new study shows faith may be one of the best ways to fight cancer. According to Charisma News, Cancer patients who report more religiousness or spirituality may also experience fewer physical symptoms of cancer and treatment and more social connection. The new analyzes reviewed previous studies of spirituality involving more than 44,000 cancer patients altogether. It found that Cancer patients who reported higher meaning, purpose, and spiritual connection in life also reported better physical health. http://bit.ly/1DGlaua

 

The saying goes, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”  Well, a Christian organization is helping turn a local pest into a tourist attraction in Bolivia. When Food for the Hungry’s Bolivia team heard about the problems the red-fronted macaw was causing in local crops, it sparked an idea. The organization first helped farmers devise ways to keep the birds away from their crops without killing them. It then helped area residents turn the birds into a source of income by helping create a tourist destination at their breeding grounds. The changes have increased the villagers incomes and opened their hearts to hearing about God’s word. https://t.co/MMX3YByBDl

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ll tell you how serious this coffee is: The receptionist is using it to remove her nail polish.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Would Your Workplace Qualify?

The 2015 list of Best Christian Workplaces has been released. Certified, no less. It is based on research conducted by the Best Christian Workplaces Institute. Great name.

According to their press release, “Certified Best Christian Workplaces are global and represent all facets of ministries from churches, private schools, universities, parachurch missions, product and services, book publishers and radio stations. This year we have added Christian led businesses.” Wow…that’s some collection!

True to their previous research, the BCWI surveyed more than 180,000 employees. They ask more than 50 questions. Apparently organizations have valued being on this list with a number of them surveying staff “to discover the health of their workplace culture.” For a complete list of results check the website. (http://www.bcwinstitute.com/bcwlists.html)

I always scan the list to see how many Chicago area organizations are on it. Also to see who is NOT on it. And to appreciate the organizations I’m connected to in one way or another.

For example, my radio show producer is a graduate of Olivet Nazarene University. They made the list. Last week, I did my radio show at the Global Leadership Summit at Willow Creek Church in Barrington, Illinois. They’re ALWAYS on the list. The Coalition for Christian Outreach in Pittsburgh made the list. A highly reputable group I’ve known from my days in “The ‘Burgh.”

Several ministry organizations, whose leaders I know, are NOT on the list. To be fair, that is because a ton of these people do not enlist in the survey process. In one case I know of, failure to make the list three or four years running caused this one organization to step back and try to figure out why! Good idea.

So I decided to think of what really should characterize a “Christian Workplace” — be it for profit or nonprofit. I really don’t like using “Christian” as an adjective. But for this exercise, I accept the term as an environment where Christ-like attitudes are the prevailing mindset. And I have a short list. Not a complete list. A short list.

First, it should be a place of safety. Can a person speak openly and freely about legitimate concerns and not worry about losing their job? Can a person ask difficult questions? Does the person feel “safe”?

Secondly, does the company encourage advancement? This is a difficult and challenging area for several reasons. Finding the right people for the right job only to lose them after training is painful. Also, once a team is in place and is functioning well, having key members advance out makes it difficult. But if our mindset is to grow and encourage others’ development, it is part of the cost.

Thirdly, how does conflict resolution get handled? Jesus always encouraged relationships to be the priority. When a management level person KNOWS there are strained or dysfunctional relationships, every effort should be made to help those coworkers resolve their issues.

Fourth. How is pay determined? More often these days I hear of “ministry oriented” organizations cutting costs by reducing people to part time to save on benefits. When the value of a person is only as good as a minimum effort of compensation and benefits, can we truly say we have a heart for people?

Fifth…on a list that could easily be longer…is the matter of staying with what is often termed integrity. When commitments are made they are kept. Intentional deception is forbidden. Corners to quality are not cut short in favor of profitability.

A “Christian Workplace” isn’t just about what management does. It is often what management requires. And on this front, it means employees are expected to do the job as outlined. To work a full day and show up on time. Not to “fudge” in their own ways, diminishing performance. And to work with spirit and a good attitude. Certain companies are much better at hiring to these ends, and at holding people accountable, than others.

A sober reminder about work can be found in Ecclesiastes 9:10: “Whatever work you do, do your best, because you are going to the grave, where there is no working, no planning, no knowledge, and no wisdom.” (NCV)

One day, Christ-followers will be given a new heaven and a new earth. And while I didn’t see it listed as one of the “Best Christian Workplaces,” I can assure you…it will be.

That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

AUGUST 21, 2015…

 

Grandma—What are Grandmother’s for?  Sometimes for a hug and sometimes to help out in a tough situation.  In this film, Lily Tomlin plays the profanity-using grandmother who is asked by her grand-daughter Julia Garner, to help raise money for a personal crisis. Marcia Gay Harden is also in the cast. “Grandma” is an adult film and rated R. No rating.

 

American Ultra—This movie is an action comedy about a rogue government agent who has a target on his back. Everyone wants to get him.  The large cast includes Jesse Eisenberg, Topher Grace, Kristen Stewart and Walton Goggins. “American Ultra” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Digging For Fire—Here is a comedy with dark humor concerning a young, married couple who spend a weekend trying to figure out what is wrong…and right…with their marriage.  The cast includes Jake Johnson, Anna Hendricks and Orlando Bloom. “Digging For Fire” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Sinister 2—Of course, there is another one. In this continuation, a young mother (Shannon Sossamon) and the nine year old twin sons fight evil. The bad spirit wants the children to kill people. James Ransome is the detective trying to help. “Sinister 2” is rated R. No rating.

 

*Note: “Sleeping With Other People” starring Jason Sukeikis is now due to be released September 13.

 

AUGUST 28, 2015…

 

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Green Legend is a sequel to the famous film.

 

Hitman: Agent 47 is based on the game series and stars Rupert Friend.

 

The War Room is a Christian drama about making a marriage work and stars Alex Kendricks.

 

We Are Your Friends is a  music drama starring Zac Efron about trying to build a career in the music business.

 

Regression concerns a young girl trying to regain her memory. Stars Emma Watson.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.