***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com
***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)
***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150826
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Today’s (JOCK SHOW) is unconditionally guaranteed to last until it’s over; unless, of course, somebody makes me a better offer.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. –Proverbs 25:11
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. — Proverbs 9:10
I love the Lord. He heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. — Psalm 116:1-2
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Jesus did not want anyone to know where they were, because he was teaching his disciples. He said to them, “The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men. They will kill him, and after three days he will rise.” — Mark 9:30-31
Thought: We often seek to attract large crowds to our churches, crusades, and rallies. Jesus also ministered to large crowds. But his strongest teaching on discipleship occurs away from the crowds, when he is alone with his disciples. What the crowds are able to accept is not enough to call mature disciples to that next level in their walk with the Savior. So Jesus withdrew for intensive teaching with a small group of committed disciples so he could mature them and make them ready for future challenges.
Prayer: Holy God, please bless the people in my Bible study group and all those everywhere that are seeking to follow you no matter the cost. Please lead me to a small group of believers with whom I can share my life and through whom you will challenge me to grow in my surrender to the Lordship of Christ. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Romans 8:26 NIV = In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – AUGUST 26, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 124 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is WOMEN’S EQUALITY DAY. (Marking approval on August 26, 1920, of the 19th Amendment, giving women the right to vote. In Massachusetts it’s Susan B. Anthony Day.)
Today is MAKE YOUR OWN LUCK DAY. ***MARLAR: Luck – what a joke. There is no such thing as luck – I don’t believe in luck at all. Luck is totally bogus.
Today is NATIONAL CHERRY POPSICLE DAY. ***MARLAR: Ooh, I love cherry popsicles… what LUCK!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Women’s Equality Day
COMING UP NEXT
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27
The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day
FRIDAY, AUGUST 28
Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day
Radio Commercials Day
Crackers Over The Keyboard Day
SATURDAY, AUGUST 29
According to Hoyle Day
Franchise Appreciation Day
Individual Rights Day
International Bat Night
International Day Against Nuclear Tests
More Herbs, Less Salt Day
National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day
SUNDAY, AUGUST 30
International Bat Night
National Grief Awareness Day
National Holistic Pet Day
National Toasted Marshmallow Day
Pony Express Day
MONDAY, AUGUST 31
Love Litigating Lawyers Day
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 01
Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day
Calendar Adjustment Day
Chicken Boy’s Day
Emma M. Nutt Day
International Day of Awareness of the Dolphins of Taiji
National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day
Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 02
Bison-ten Yell Day
ON THIS DAY
1885: The first motorcycle was patented by Gottlieb Daimler in Germany.
1925: In Toronto E. S. Ted Rogers Sr. invented the alternating-current tube, making possible electric radios with no batteries.
1939: WXBS in New York City carried the first televised baseball, a double-header between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers at Ebbets Field in Brooklyn. Announcer Red Barber interviewed Dodger manager Leo Durocher and Reds manager Willliam McKechnie between games.
1947: St. Louis honored their hometown boy with Yogi Berra Night at Sportsmen’s Park. To close the ceremonies, Yogi stepped to the microphone and said, “I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.”
MORE YOGI BERRA QUOTES
- This is like deja vu all over again.”
- “You can observe a lot just by watching.”
- “He must have made that before he died.” — Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
- “I want to thank you for making this day necessary.” — On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
- “I’d find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I’d return it.” — When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
- “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
- “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
- “If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”
- “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”
- “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
- “Baseball is 90% mental — the other half is physical.”
- “It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.”
- “Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”
- “A nickel isn’t worth a dime today.”
- “Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.”
- “It gets late early out there.” — Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
- “Glen Cove.” — Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
- Once, Yogi’s wife Carmen asked, “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” Yogi replied, “Surprise me.”
- “Do you mean now?” — When asked for the time.
- “I take a two hour nap, from one o’clock to four.”
- “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
- “You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn’t enough in the second half you give what’s left.”
- “90% of the putts that are short don’t go in.”
- “I made a wrong mistake.”
- “Texas has a lot of electrical votes.” — During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
- “Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.” — After being told he looked cool.
- “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
- “Yeah, but we’re making great time!” — In reply to “Hey Yogi, I think we’re lost.”
- “If the fans don’t come out to the ball park, you can’t stop them.”
- “Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”
- “It’s never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn’t.”
- “How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don’t know how to spell my name.” — Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to “bearer.”
- “I’d say he’s done more than that.” — When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
- “The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.”
- “He can run anytime he wants. I’m giving him the red light.” — On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
- “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
- “It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.”
- “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
- “You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
- “I didn’t really say everything I said.”
1957: Ford produced the first of 110,847 Edsel automobiles. Named for Edsel Bryant Ford, the model never really caught on.
1968: The Beatles released “Hey, Jude,” which would top the U.S. music charts longer than any other Beatles’ song: nine weeks.
1968: Jeannie C. Riley was awarded a gold record for “Harper Valley PTA.”
1973: The University of Texas at Arlington became the first accredited school to offer studies in belly dancing. ***MARLAR: Most students’ parents couldn’t stomach the idea.
1987: Singer Sonny Bono announced he would run for mayor of Palm Springs, California, admitting, quote, “I’ve never been qualified for anything I’ve done.”
1991: A Gallup Poll revealed that ice-cream lovers take more baths and are less likely to be nervous than people who seldom eat ice cream.
1996: The electronics giant Philips unveiled a new television, the FlatTV, which could be hung on a wall as if it were a painting.
2001: It was not a good day for a masked bandit with his leg in a cast as he tried to run with the cash register from the Dip & Sip coffee shop in Brockton, Massachusetts. Two customers tackled the robber and broke his other leg. The crime fighters were lucky the gun in the robber’s pocket turned out to be a can of brake fluid.
2003: A 31-year-old personal trainer rented a stretch limousine to rob a San Francisco bank of $5,000. A witness spotted the suspect getting into the limo. Police were alerted and pulled the limo over. Police said a stretch limousine was not exactly the most discreet getaway vehicle.
2004: Pop singer Laura Branigan died from a brain aneurysm in East Quogue, New York, at age 47.
2005: Tennessee Attorney General Paul Summers asked country star Gretchen Wilson to stop plugging smokeless tobacco in her stage act, but he stressed it was only a suggestion. When Wilson sang her latest song, “Skoal Ring,” she waved a can of smokeless tobacco. The “ring” referred to the circular outline the round can leaves on a back pants pocket. A day later Wilson said she would no longer use a Skoal can in her stage shows.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1901: The American Standard Version of the Bible is first published by Thomas Nelson and Sons. The A.S.V. spun off from the 1881 English Revised Version, the first nondenominational English revision since publication of the King James Version in 1611.
1948: Death of Maud Ballington Booth. She and her husband disagreed with the methods of the Salvation Army and formed the Volunteers of America. Maud had devoted herself to the poor and to the Volunteer Prison League.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actor (Home Alone, The Good Son, Saved) Macaulay Culkin, 35
- actress (“Samantha Who?”, “Gilmore Girls”) Melissa McCarthy 45 (
- Actor (“Life Goes On”) Christopher Burke, 50
- Former U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge, 70
- Former candidate for U.S. Vice President Geraldine Ferraro, 80
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1905 : Ernie Fields
1940 : Nik Turner (Hawkwind)
1942 : Chris Curtis (The Searchers)
1942 : Vic Dana
1942 : Maureen “Moe” Tucker (The Velvet Underground)
1948 : Valerie Simpson (Ashford & Simpson)
1949 : Bob Cowsill (The Coswills)
1952 : Billy Rush (Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes)
1960 : Branford Marsalis
1966 : Dan Vickrey (Counting Crows)
1969 : Adrian Young (No Doubt)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Where did we get the word “muscle”?
From the Latin “musculus,” which means “little mouse.” The Roman’s of old thought that when you moved the “muscles” on your upper arm it looked as if there was a little mouse crawling back and forth.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Sidewalk Prophets Ben McDonald was celebrating “bring your wife on the road day” over the weekend. But Ben says her choice of food prior to going on a roller coaster might need some refining. The band was playing at Holiday World and Ben says his wife had bacon and donuts before taking on the roller coaster at the venue.
A special memory this weekend for Luke from the band for King and Country. The band has played as several fairs over the summer but Luke says nothing beat being able to take his son Jude to his first fair this weekend.
From Jonny Diaz: I don’t do “yoga” per se, but I did just make a king size bed by myself…so…
Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer says there is a special bonus if you purchase the new Rend Collective album As Family We Go. He tweeted: If you go get this album right now, you will get extra marshmallows in your Lucky Charms for the rest of your life. The new CD from the Irish worship band released on Friday.
Natalie Grant took a trip over the Atlantic recently simply to be there for her British best friend. Charlotte was renewing her vows with her husband of 20 years and Natalie originally had to decline the invitation to attend because the deadline for her new record is fast approaching. But at the last minute Natalie made the trip anyway. When she reached the hotel she called Charlotte and told her that the hotel was delivering a little gift to her room. When Charlotte came to the door Natalie was there waiting. Natalie posted: true friends cross oceans, miss deadlines, and do whatever it takes…. What we are busy doing is never as important as who we are doing it with.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Dog’s warning tipped family to Nevada house fire
SPANISH SPRINGS, Nev. (AP) — A Spanish Springs family has been forced out of their home after a house fire, but authorities say no one was hurt thanks in part to a family pet. Officials for the Truckee Meadows Fire Protection District say one of the family’s dogs alerted them to the fire that…
|Texas couple rushes marriage vows to beat the stork
HOUSTON (AP) — It could have been the plot of a movie: A Houston couple improvises a hospital wedding in less than an hour after the bride goes into labor early. Stephanie Tallent was eight months pregnant and having an ultrasound Friday when she went into labor at Texas Children’s Pavilion…
|Police: Woman found intruder taking a shower, doing laundry
ERIE, Pa. (AP) — Pennsylvania State Police say a woman found an intruder taking a shower and doing his laundry at her home when she woke up. Troopers say the resident summoned police to her home in Greene Township, near Erie, on Saturday morning. Twenty-four-year-old Erie resident Casey James…
|Geese, their waste, invade Pennsylvania football field
NANTY GLO, Pa. (AP) — A western Pennsylvania high school football team had to move its scrimmage after geese — and the waste they leave behind — invaded its stadium. HASH(0x1434d80) The field is owned by the borough 65 miles east of Pittsburgh and its recreation authority, but the…
|Ball State freshman wins free tuition with half-court shot
MUNCIE, Ind. (AP) — An incoming freshman has won free tuition for a semester at Ball State University after sinking a half-court shot. Lem Turner of Illinois made the lucky shot Thursday night during a freshman pep rally for this year’s athletic events at Worthen Arena. The event was held as…
|Mama bear, 5 cubs beat the heat in New Jersey family’s pool
ROCKAWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) — A mama bear and her five cubs decided to beat the heat in a New Jersey backyard pool. Tim Basso posted a video online showing the bears climbing into his family’s above-ground pool, tumbling out of it, dragging around pool toys and climbing on a slide and swing…
|Defense lawyer skips hearing so wife in labor won’t kill him
PITTSBURGH (AP) — A Pittsburgh defense attorney got a hearing postponed at the last minute after convincing a judge that his wife’s labor was a matter of life — or his death. The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review (http://bit.ly/1hQ0LJm) reports Marc Daffner was granted a continuance Thursday…
|Seed bugs swarm California communities, invade homes, cars photo
LONE PINE, Calif. (AP) — The gas station’s ground was covered with the small winged bugs. Piles of carcasses, inches deep, sat swept to the sides. On the road, they rained onto car windshields. They flew by the thousands toward even the smallest sources of light, and crept along windows and…
|UK marine researchers receive ‘oldest message in a bottle’ photo
LONDON (AP) — A century-old message in a bottle, possibly the oldest ever found, has finally reached its destination. Tossed into the North Sea sometime between 1904 and 1906, the bottle washed up on the beach on the German island of Amrum, and was found by a couple in April. Inside they…
|Phoenix police rescue puppy trapped in pipe after 10 hours photo
PHOENIX (AP) — Police serving a drug-related search warrant at a Phoenix home found themselves part of a 10-hour rescue effort to free a puppy trapped in a sewage pipe. Authorities say officers went to the home Thursday morning and found a very young puppy alive but stuck in an open pipe that…
|New Mexicans say they dished out world’s longest tamale
BELEN, N.M. (AP) — A group of people in New Mexico say they cooked the world’s longest tamale Saturday morning. Luis Hernandez of the ABQ West Chamber of Commerce says that a team of more than 30 chefs at Viva II, a three-day celebration of the state’s heritage, assembled a 116-foot. 7-inch…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Report: Nearly 47 million people now have dementia
LONDON (AP) — Health researchers say there are now nearly 47 million people living with dementia globally, up from 35 million in 2009. They warned that without a medical breakthrough, numbers will likely double every 20 years. In a report issued on Tuesday, researchers from Alzheimer’s…
|Tardy tax filers risk loss of health care subsidies photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sign-up season for President Barack Obama’s health care law doesn’t start for another couple of months, but the next few days are crucial for hundreds of thousands of customers at risk of losing financial aid when they renew coverage for 2016. Call them tardy tax filers: an…
|Second cancers are on the rise; 1 in 5 US cases is a repeat photo
Second cancers are on the rise. Nearly 1 in 5 new cases in the U.S. now involves someone who has had the disease before. When doctors talk about second cancers, they mean a different tissue type or a different site, not a recurrence or spread of the original tumor. Judith Bernstein of suburban…
|Sierra Leone releases its last known Ebola patient photo
MATENEH, Sierra Leone (AP) — Health authorities in Sierra Leone released the country’s last known Ebola patient from a hospital on Monday, a milestone that allows the nation to begin a 42-day countdown to being declared free of the virus that has killed nearly 4,000 people here. President…
|With many Ebola survivors ailing, doctors evaluate situation photo
DAKAR, Senegal (AP) — Lingering health problems afflicting many of the roughly 13,000 Ebola survivors have galvanized global and local health officials to find out how widespread the ailments are, and how to remedy them. The World Health Organization calls it an emergency within an emergency….
|As cancer treatment begins, Carter to scale back on work photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Former President Jimmy Carter is stepping back from most of his humanitarian work and surrounding himself with family as doctors target the skin cancer that showed up in his liver and brain. Four generations of Carters are gathering in his tiny hometown of Plains, Georgia, to…
|PTSD patients sue Colorado over marijuana decision
DENVER (AP) — Colorado’s decision not to allow marijuana to treat post-traumatic stress disorder has prompted a lawsuit by PTSD sufferers. Five PTSD patients filed suit Thursday in Denver District Court. They’re challenging a July decision by the Colorado Board of Health not to make PTSD the…
|Carter to get radiation, new immune therapy for skin cancer photo
It was found in his liver and then in his brain, but very well may have started in his skin. Former President Jimmy Carter revealed Thursday that he has melanoma, a serious form of cancer. Carter, who will turn 91 in October, said he has already begun treatments for four small brain tumors. A look…
|Anti-abortion group releases video snippet after court win
LOS ANGELES (AP) — An anti-abortion group released a snippet of video on Friday showing a California company executive discussing fetal tissue for research after a judge ruled the group could show the footage even if it was illegally recorded. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Joanne O’Donnell…
|Historic hotel named source of deadly Legionnaires’ outbreak
NEW YORK (AP) — A historic hotel’s rooftop air-conditioning unit is the source of a Legionnaires’ disease outbreak that has killed 12 people and sickened more than 100 in the Bronx, the city’s health commissioner said Thursday. After extensive sampling and testing of Legionnaires’-causing…
|Earliest breast cancer risky for some women, study suggests photo
CHICAGO (AP) — New research shows that chances of dying from very early breast cancer are small but the disease is riskier for young women and blacks, the same disparities seen for more advanced cancer. Death rates in the 20 years after diagnosis totaled about 3 percent for women whose breast…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
In Andover, Massachusetts, someone called police to report that there was an item on the side of the road that looked like a human torso. The responding officer reported that it was a brisket. *** Aaaaand I may never eat barbecue ever again…
When asked “Who would play you in a movie about your life?” most Americans selected Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts as their choices for the lead roles. Other top choices included Denzel Washington, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis, Meg Ryan, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock and Meryl Streep. *** Or, in my case, comedian Louie Anderson.
A cat named “Boss” has been hired by an online gifts retailer in Romania to be its communications manager. Boss is now earning a salary equivalent to $216 U.S. dollars a month from Catbox.ro, which specializes in personalized gifts. A quarter of Boss’s salary will be paid in cat food, while the rest will go to his owner. *** Grumpy Cat did audition for the role, but apparently nobody liked his attitude.
Ann and Ken Fredericks of Satellite Beach, Florida celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary earlier this month by eating a bite from their wedding cake from six decades ago. Ann Fredericks says their children are “appalled” they’re still eating the ancient dessert and did admit “it’s a little dry” and crusty. ***Kinda like Ann and Ken are a little dry and crusty.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Severe obesity can cut lives short by up to 14 years. That’s according to a study by the U.S. National Cancer Institute. A Charisma News article reported that the study found people who were considered severely obese can die much earlier due to the increased risks of heart disease, cancer, diabetes and other diseases. The study is based on 20 studies from the United States, Sweden and Australia over the course of 30 years. ***MARLAR: According to this study, I died last Tuesday.
Scientists at Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia have cloned fruit flies, in the first successful cloning of insects. ***MARLAR: Thank goodness, because what the world truly needs is more fruit flies.
According to a new study, there’s a link in seniors between heavy eating and memory loss. ***MARLAR: Which is now the perfect excuse for going through the line three times at the Old Country Buffet, as you can claim you forgot you’d already gone through once before.
A DeCare Dental insurance study found that the Tooth Fairy has been struck by heavy inflation. While the money left for shed teeth ranged from 10 cents to $25, the average American child got $1.78 for a tooth last year, which is 12.4 percent higher than the year before’s average of $1.58. DeCare noted that this a better return than the stock market paid. ***MARLAR: And it’s tax free! Well, at least for now. Give it time and I’m sure the U.S. government will find a way to create a tooth tax.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Alphabet Song”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Cecile Kaiser, “Adam and Eve”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were so busy trying to get so many things done that they didn’t have time for anything else… meetings, planning, even talking to each other! They were getting annoyed with each other – and then, all at once, the animals shouted…
CLOSE: Do the turtles have a secret to staying calm, cool, and collected? Will they share the secret with the other animals? Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 29/30, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear was heading out for a picnic, singing show tunes. He wanted to go alone, but Millard the Monkey talked him into taking him along as well… but then Millard told all the other jungle animals, and now everybody is heading out for one gigantic picnic!
CLOSE: The mother of all picnic spots in order to have the mother of all picnics! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Being anxious to foil a crime may cause you to commit a Moment of Duh instead!
An unidentified German truck driver spotted a car parked outside a bank and noticed a crowbar and other tools lying on the back seat. Convinced he had spotted a crook’s getaway vehicle and that the criminals were about to escape, he ran to his truck and rammed it into the side of the car, totaling it. He then called police and proudly told them he had foiled the holdup plot by disabling the getaway car. As you may have guessed, it was about that time the car’s owner, a self-employed carpenter, returned to what was left of his vehicle. The truck driver now faces a $7,000 fine, the possibility of losing his license, plus the cost of repairs to his own vehicle. The driver later admitted he “may have over-reacted.”
TOP TEN SILLY QUESTIONS TO PONDER
10.Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
9. Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
8. How can there be self-help “groups”?
7. How do you get off a nonstop flight?
6. How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
5. How many weeks are there in a light year?
4. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
3. If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
2. If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?
1. If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A daring prison break, INTO prison?
FILE #1: 23-year-old Detlef Federsohn, of Austria, recently staged a daring prison break. Detlef tried to get back in. After serving two years for theft, he found that he missed the prison life so much that he wanted to go back. However, he was arrested when he was spotted on the roof of the jail and police suspected an escape was in progress. Detlef said: “Life is so much easier on the inside. They feed you, do your washing and let you watch TV, which I can tell you is a lot more than my mum does. So I thought if I could sneak back in I would blend in with the others and the (guards) wouldn’t notice.”
FILE #2: In Oakland, California, Lawrence Lasater found out the hard way that being a bank robber isn’t quite as easy as it seems. Lawrence walked into a bank, flashed a gun at the teller and handed her a note demanding cash. She gave him his money and he was headed for the door when he saw two police cars pass by. Perhaps this frightened him or maybe the whole tense situation was just too much for him to bear. Either way, Lawrence fainted right there in front of the bank.
FILE #3: After he was robbed of $20.00 in Winnipeg, Manitoba, the robbery victim asked for his wallet back. The nervous mugger handed over his own wallet by mistake, then ran. The thief’s wallet contained $250.00.
STRANGE LAW: In the United States it is illegal for the postmaster to shoot ducks.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
The owner of a driving school is arrested… for drunk driving!
Stories like this just make you shake your head. The guy who owns a local driving school in Albuquerque, New Mexico, has been arrested for drunk driving after he crashed his car in Rio Rancho. Police spokesman John Francis said when officers responded our friend wreaked of alcohol, had bloodshot, red watery eyes and slurred speech. He miserably failed a field sobriety test when he couldn’t walk in a straight line or recite the alphabet. Two separate breath analysis tests also showed that his blood-alcohol level was nearly four times the legal limit.
Stupid ways you hurt yourself. Like last night I totally missed a step up from my living room to the dining room. I’ve lived in this house for four years, and yet I somehow forgot the step was there? (Sheesh!)
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: How many years did the Israelites eat Manna?
ANSWER: 40 (Exodus 16:35)
QUESTION: (Seeing as today is “Make Your Own Luck Day) If you find a four leaf clover you’re supposed to keep it as it’s considered good luck. What should you do if you find a five leaf clover?
ANSWER: Get rid of it. They’re considered bad luck. One exception: A five leaf clover is considered good luck to both parties involved if given away immediately upon finding.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Light travels more slowly than sound. (False)
- Rubies are formed inside mollusks such as oysters. (False, Pearls)
- Florence Nightingale, a pioneer of modern nursing, was born in Florence, Italy. (True)
- Thomas Jefferson died on July 4, 1826. (True)
- John Adams died on the same day as Thomas Jefferson. (True)
- Halley’s Comet comes into view from Earth about every 4 years. (False, 76 years)
- Noise pollution is the second most reported cause of occupational injury. (True, from things like jackhammers and music)
- Michigan is the state that has the most cities, in the American Lung Association’s list of cities, with the worst particle air pollution. (False, California has three cities from this state in is top ten)
- Woody Allen once said, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” (False, Albert Einstein)
- Kate Hudson is the daughter of Valerie Bertinelli. (False, daughter of Goldie Hawn)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
NASA CONFIRMS ALIEN ___________ (INVASION)
NASA confirmed today that aliens are invading earth – and they are attacking us because of global warming!
WWN has been the ONLY media source reporting on the ongoing alien invasion. WWN’s own Frank Lake has been the top investigative reporter in the world on this issue. Governments around the globe have been covering up the invasion in order to avoid worldwide panic. But WWN feels we must report the truth, and if we take peaceful actions now – we can avoid a war with aliens.
As reported here many times, the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials has confirmed that aliens from Planet Zeeba began invading our planet – in large numbers – in October, 2010. The U.N. Panel, led by Dr. John Malley, predicts that the invasion will last until December 2015 – at which time earth will be under full control of the aliens from Zeeba. If we act now, we can co-exist peacefully with the aliens.
In a stunning announcement today, NASA confirmed Frank Lake’s reportage. ”Aliens have been invading our planet in ever-increasing numbers,” warns a report from NASA.
NASA says that rising greenhouse emissions may have tipped off aliens that we are a rapidly expanding threat. “Watching from afar, extraterrestrials have viewed changes in Earth’s atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilization out of control – and are taking drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat,” NASA researchers explain.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”
At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check the baby.
He sat up for a full minute listening, then protested, “But I don’t hear her crying.”
“I know.” she replied, “It’s your turn to go see why not!”
The owner of a priceless antiques collection allowed a museum to exhibit his treasures. The movers packed the vases while the collector hovered over them. “Do be careful,” he cautioned one burly mover. “That vase is nearly two thousand years old.”
“Don’t worry,” the guy replied. “I’ll treat it like it was brand new.”
A New Jersey man has eaten a medium pizza and four diet cokes from Domino’s Pizza almost every day for five years. Mike Uris estimates he’s eaten 2,000 eight-slice pizzas in the five years, starting each day with six slices for lunch. He drinks two of the cokes with lunch and then has one each with a slice of pizza for dinner at 6pm and supper at 11pm. ***MARLAR: Mike’s now been asked to be a spokesman… for Lipitor.
A new British study found that young people who adopt the “Goth” lifestyle of dark clothes and introspective music are more likely to commit self-harm or attempt suicide than other youths. ***MARLAR: Unfortunately, the study couldn’t be completed because the Goth kids filling out the forms stole all of the staples and paper clips to use as body-piercings.
ON THE BALL MECHANIC
My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking sound when going around corners.”
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop, he opened the car’s trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: “Remove bowling ball from trunk”.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Groom Takes Time Out From Wedding To Save A Couple of Lives!
(Winona Daily News) Every wedding day is special, but Adam and Julie Hatfield of La Crosse, Wisconsin will have some extra special memories about the day they said “I do!” The bride and groom were in La Crosse’s Riverside Park posing for photos just before the ceremony, when they heard a man yelling “Allie! Allie!” They turned to see a man looking over the wall at the Mississippi River below. Then he jumped in. The man’s daughter had apparently fallen into the river and he was attempting to save her. That’s when Adam sprung into action, jumped over the wall and got down near the water where the man was treading water with the girl in his arms. With the help of the photographer, he pulled both to safety. Adam shook hands with the man but never did learn his name as he had to rush off to the wedding. Later, the best man incorporated the rescue into his toast, coining the phrase “save a life, get a wife.”
THE DAISY DOCTRINE!?!
Now, let me set the record straight: I am not a theologian! I love words and I love GOD’S Word–and a combination of the two brings you this off-beat devotional today. You won’t find this doctrine in any theology book, taught at any theological seminary, or in any best-selling self-help book…you’ll only find it here, and it’s free–so listen up! It comes from the school of life and passing the course may well be a pre-requisite to getting a coveted daisy degree some day!
Remember the childhood days of picking daisies, then pulling petals, one by one, “He loves me…he loves me not…” – You held your breath to be sure it came out right…and if it did not, you might even cheat a little to make it so!
Well, let me take you down MY first daisy trail today – “He LOVES me…He loves me NOT?” Does God’s love waver? Is it dependent upon our attitudes, our actions, our manners, our moods? Indeed not. Pull the daisy petals all you’d like – it will always come out the same – He LOVES ME…..it’s a love that never fails…a doctrine that’s ever real–and it’s yours and mine, unconditionally, this day!
One more daisy trail before we head home…this one? “He GIVES Me…He Gives me NOT!” And what does He give me? GRACE for each day; GRACE for each trial; GRACE for all time! But don’t stop there–the next petal? “He gives me NOT…” Now is there anything that God does NOT give us? Does the Daisy Doctrine work here? It sure does–for “God hath NOT given us the spirit of fear, but of love, and of power and of a sound mind!”
Next time, old slewfoot shows up in your garden, take HIM down these daisy trails….Show HIM the unconditional, inexhaustible love of your great God–then point him to the never-failing, fear-expelling grace of your loving Lord–and he’ll be out of your garden in a hurry. He doesn’t like DAISY DOCTRINE…but I do–so take it or leave it, devil; we’re takin’ it with us this week, so watch out!!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A FAITHFUL FRIEND
Read: 2 Timothy 1:15-18
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. —Proverbs 17:17
After one of my relatives had a stroke, she needed help to get around and could no longer remember recent events. One day, my wife Ginny suggested that we take her out to dinner. I wondered if we should, because afterward she wouldn’t even remember what we had done. Ginny responded, “While we are with her she will know we love her.” How true!
All of us need to know we are loved. I recall the answer I received when I asked a 90-year-old shut-in how his grandchildren were doing. He said, “I don’t know. I never see them.”
The apostle Paul was locked in a damp Roman dungeon, awaiting execution. He couldn’t help but feel hurt that many former friends had deserted him. How grateful he was for the friendship of Onesiphorus!
This man left his family and an active ministry in Ephesus to befriend Paul. When he arrived in Rome, he searched diligently to find where Paul was imprisoned (2 Timothy 1:17). And he courageously visited the apostle again and again. Paul said of Onesiphorus, “He often refreshed me, and was not ashamed of my chain” (v.16).
Remember, “A friend loves at all times,” especially in adversity (Proverbs 17:17). Like Onesiphorus, let’s commit ourselves to being faithful to our friends. —Herb Vander Lugt
Someday I hope with you to stand
Before the throne, at God’s right hand,
And say to you at journey’s end,
“Praise God, you’ve been to me a friend.” —Clark
Adversity is the test of true friendship.
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Think your neighborhood is a bit crowded? Think the Earth’s population is getting too large? How about buying an acre on the moon?
The first real estate agent for land on the moon has opened up. That’s right, for just about $22 you can grab yourself a one-acre plot on the moon. www.MoonEstates.com is offering ownership as well as mineral rights to the land on the lit side of the moon, which is visible on earth. Buyers will also receive the Lunar Constitution and Bill of Rights along with a map pinpointing the location of their site. Dennis Hope, who laid claim to the entire land surface of the moon 20 years ago, opened the agency. Hope logged his claim with the US and former USSR governments – since then, more than 300,000 plots have been sold, with buyers including the Star Trek cast, Clint Eastwood and several NASA employees. The Outer Space Treaty of 1967 bans nations from owning territory in space but is silent on individuals’ rights. ***MARLAR: I understand that it’s a bit lacking in atmosphere though.
LIFE… LIVE IT
GET OFF THE PHONE YOU JERK!
Turns out those zealots who nag you to get off the phone when you’re on the road are right.
According to a study in the journal Human Factors, even if you’re calling hands-free, talking on your cell phone while driving can impair you more than being drunk. Researchers monitored 40 volunteers who used a driving simulator while undistracted, using a handheld cell phone, using a hands-free phone, or legally intoxicated. The cell phone talkers were more likely to vary their speed and to rear end another car, and they were slower to hit the brakes than the other drivers. “Talking on the phone requires you to pay attention to the person on the other end” rather than the road, says study coauthor Frank Drews, Ph.D. Turn off your cell in the car so you’re not tempted to answer it.
JUST FOR FUN
ROCKY ROAD FOR THE ICE CREAM MAN
When is it not appropriate for the ice cream truck to come rolling down your street playing it’s little tune? Oh… how about… MIDNIGHT! One woman screams about ice cream!
We may all scream FOR ice-cream… but in New York one woman is screaming AT the ice cream… the ice cream MAN, that is. You know the ice cream man tune – the one that sends children scrambling outside screaming for ice cream. But while the whimsical notes of the ice-cream truck may remind you of your childhood days, at other times they’re not exactly welcome. Take 11:20… at night… just forty-minutes before midnight. That’s when Darlene Lane was inside her New York home drifting to sleep recently when the jingle of the ice cream truck woke her up. She lodged a complaint with Babylon Town officials, who agreed. The town board unanimously approved a resolution prohibiting vendors from driving in residential neighborhoods after sunset. ***MARLAR: Boy, that’s cold.
WHOSE LAW IS IT?
Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:
- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. –Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
- Identical parts aren’t. –Beach’s Law
- Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. –Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
- Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. –Tussman’s Law
- The solution to a problem changes the problem. –Peer’s Law
- If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. –Lowery’s Law
- There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. –William’s Law
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
SURE-FIRE WAYS TO BEAT LONELINESS
- CONTACT OTHERS: Make a list of everyone you know and contact them regularly.
- GET INVOLVED: No matter where you live or what your skills or interests are, people need your help. Show interest in them and it will bring joy to you.
- DEVELOP NEW DREAMS: Dreams give hope and spark to life. Find new things to achieve. No one is ever alone who has a dream.
- EAT PROPERLY: Low blood sugar or improper diet can magnify negative feelings. Check your food intake.
- REST: Properly recharge your body. Tired people tend to lean toward their problems and respond negatively to situations.
- COUNT RIGHT: Focus on the good things that have happened and are happening in your life.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A photographer documenting Hawaii’s homeless stumbled upon someone she never expected to see among them — her dad. Diana Kim’s father had owned a photography studio when she was a little girl, and she grew up with a deep interest in the art form. Her parents separated when she was five and her father grew more distant until she lost touch with him completely. Then one day in 2012, while documenting Honolulu’s homeless, she spotted her father among the people she was photographing. It took more than a year for Diana to break through but she was finally able to enroll him in mental health care, getting him the help she needed. http://bit.ly/1LuLW8Q
A back to school magic show was more than just entertainment for one little girl. Both of Addison Woodburns parents are actively serving in the U.S. Army and face long deployments away from each other and their daughter. But at a recently school assembly a magician made both of them re-appear. Julia and Brian Woodburn arranged the surprise homecoming during the schools opening day events. http://bit.ly/1Tlt9E6
In China they have taken the claw machine to the next level. The Chinese have created a human version where using a harness that lowers kids wearing boxing gloves into a pit full of toys. http://ow.ly/QOfIg
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I’ve got to hurry and get to the bank. If you get there late they always run out of the grape lollipops.
Today’s program was so great; I may even leave by the front entrance.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
True confession. In my twenties, my first radio job barely paid me enough to buy gas to get back and forth to work and share the rent of a cheap apartment. While I knew the risks of driving without insurance, I did so for a season of time. And sure enough, I had a minor accident while uninsured. Thank God it wasn’t worse!
Several months later, I married my beloved Rhonda and our financial picture improved. Time to get my insurance squared away! We stopped in at the agency where Rhonda had her auto policy to have me added. Surprise! Not only would they not add me to any policy, they were now dropping her since she had married an insurance risk! Talk about a blow to one’s self esteem. And I didn’t get any smiles from my new bride on the way out.
Since that time, I’ve never driven without auto insurance. I’m no longer considered a risky guy. At least in that area. In fact, the company that gave us that painful rejection has made many offers over the years to have us sign up. Hmmm. I’m still thinking it over and weighing the risk factors. (Smile)
Make no mistake. I’m not questioning the right of any company to qualify their customers. Perhaps there might have been a way to work with us, however.
This brings me to a new “character” defining method being employed today, via algorithms. I learned of it in an article in the New York Times, as written by Quentin Hardy: “Using Algorithms to Determine Character.”
The story tells of a California firm that loans money. And in the course of just over a year, they have forked over $135 million to people with “mostly negligible credit ratings.” We’re talking recent college graduates without the normal credit building history.
Instead, this company, known as Upstart, chooses SAT scores, college information including majors, and grade-point averages. The quality of the chosen school factors in as well.
What I found especially interesting in the story was the way two men from different companies engaged in this analytics-based evaluation system avoided the use of the word “character.” Paul Gu, co-founder of Upstart, skips around it. And Douglas Merrill, founder and CEO of another lending company, ZestFinance, puts a qualifier on it as well.
Merrill says, “‘Character’ is a loaded term, but there is an important difference between ability to pay and willingness to pay.” Willingness is a character issue.
Some of the evaluation criteria considered is whether a person has ever given up a prepaid wireless phone number. If so, why? Were they on the run? Another firm uses analytics to predict how long an employee will stay by looking at past work behavior. Or how well a manager holds on to talent. Or a person’s tenacity.
These companies may shy away from using the word character, but it has certainly found its place of importance in business. Warren Bennis has said, “Successful leadership is not about being tough or soft, sensitive or assertive, but about a set of attributes. First and foremost is character.” Scottish minister and author John C. Geikie stated, “Our character is but the stamp on our souls of the free choices of good and evil we have made through life.”
Here’s an important lesson for all of us. The quality of our character can change over time. The person you were yesterday is not the person you have to be tomorrow. Or as I heard recently, “Your history is not your destiny.” We can develop and improve our character with time.
There is One whose character does NOT change. Hebrews 13:8 says plainly, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (ESV) James 1:17 adds, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” (ESV)
I wonder if there are any analytics that could measure the change in a person who comes to faith? The Bible says we become new creatures when that faith takes hold. The old has passed away. The new has come. Our character changes.
I know something else very important about God’s love. Once you’re on His plan, the policy states that you never get dropped. Whew!
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
AUGUST 21, 2015…
Grandma—What are Grandmother’s for? Sometimes for a hug and sometimes to help out in a tough situation. In this film, Lily Tomlin plays the profanity-using grandmother who is asked by her grand-daughter Julia Garner, to help raise money for a personal crisis. Marcia Gay Harden is also in the cast. “Grandma” is an adult film and rated R. No rating.
American Ultra—This movie is an action comedy about a rogue government agent who has a target on his back. Everyone wants to get him. The large cast includes Jesse Eisenberg, Topher Grace, Kristen Stewart and Walton Goggins. “American Ultra” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Digging For Fire—Here is a comedy with dark humor concerning a young, married couple who spend a weekend trying to figure out what is wrong…and right…with their marriage. The cast includes Jake Johnson, Anna Hendricks and Orlando Bloom. “Digging For Fire” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Sinister 2—Of course, there is another one. In this continuation, a young mother (Shannon Sossamon) and the nine year old twin sons fight evil. The bad spirit wants the children to kill people. James Ransome is the detective trying to help. “Sinister 2” is rated R. No rating.
*Note: “Sleeping With Other People” starring Jason Sukeikis is now due to be released September 13.
AUGUST 28, 2015…
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Green Legend is a sequel to the famous film.
Hitman: Agent 47 is based on the game series and stars Rupert Friend.
The War Room is a Christian drama about making a marriage work and stars Alex Kendricks.
We Are Your Friends is a music drama starring Zac Efron about trying to build a career in the music business.
Regression concerns a young girl trying to regain her memory. Stars Emma Watson.
# # # # #
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.