August 27, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150827

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Remember, ignorance is bliss — and today’s (JOCK SHOW) has bliss runnin’ out the nose!

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“We know that all things work together for good to them that love God…” –Romans 8:28

 

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, … But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. — Joshua 24:15

 

Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. — Romans 12:4-5

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. — Jeremiah 31:25

 

Thought: In the overwhelming, hair-raising, and depressing prophecies of Jeremiah, God repeatedly told his people he would destroy them for their obstinate and hardened hearts. Yet in the middle of these powerful and scorching warnings, God also slips in passages that soar with hope and grace. Can you think of anything more reassuring than God’s promise to “refresh the weary and satisfy the faint”? For seventy years, that’s all Israel had — God’s promise. But when the time came, God made good on his word. I believe he will do the same with us today!

 

Prayer: Great Shepherd, I am tired and weary. Please refresh my Spirit and my body. Please help me find satisfaction in the abundance you have already so graciously shared with me. To you belongs all glory, honor, strength and power. I joyously submit myself in faith, waiting for the rest and satisfaction you have promised. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:27 NIV = And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – AUGUST 27, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 124 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is HOLD A BUBBLEGUM BUBBLE BLOWING TOURNAMENT DAY.

 

Today is FALL TO PIECES BEFORE BREAKFAST DAY. ***MARLAR: Normally, I wait until my show is well underway before things fall to pieces… but you’ve probably already noticed that.

 

Today is PETROLEUM DAY, marking the first commercial oil well that began pumping on August 27, 1859 in Titusville, Pennsylvania. ***MARLAR: And when it comes to jellies, I prefer grape over petroleum.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28

Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day

Radio Commercials Day

Crackers Over The Keyboard Day

World Daffodil Day

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29

According to Hoyle Day

Franchise Appreciation Day

Individual Rights Day

International Bat Night

International Day Against Nuclear Tests

More Herbs, Less Salt Day

National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day

 

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30

International Bat Night

International Day of the Victims of Enforced Disappearances

International Whale Shark Day

National Grief Awareness Day

National Holistic Pet Day

National Toasted Marshmallow Day

Pony Express Day

 

MONDAY, AUGUST 31

International Overdose Awareness Day

Love Litigating Lawyers Day

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 01

Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day

Calendar Adjustment Day

Chicken Boy’s Day

Emma M. Nutt Day

International Day of Awareness of the Dolphins of Taiji

National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day

Save Japan’s Dolphins Day

Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 02

Bison-ten Yell Day

V-J Day

 

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 03

Penny Press Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1912: Edgar Rice Burroughs published his first magazine story about an abandoned English boy raised by African apes. Tarzan, “King of the Jungle,” became one of the 20th centuries’ best-known fictional characters.

 

1965: The Beatles, on tour in Los Angeles, visited Elvis Presley at his Bel Air home. They stayed up all night talking and jamming.

 

1977: Texas Rangers Toby Harrah and Bump Wills hit back-to-back inside-the-park home runs off Ken Clay in Yankee Stadium. The Rangers won 8-2.

 

1982: Oakland’s Rickey Henderson stole his 119th base to break Lou Brock’s major-league theft record of 118. Rickey stole three more that day, but Milwaukee still won 5-4.

 

1987: An American couple’s amorous behavior onboard a plane resulted in them being accused of lewd and obscene acts in the presence of a minor. The pilot of the coast-to-coast flight landed in Houston, where the just-married couple were arrested.

 

1990: In the World Wrestling Federation’s Summer Slam, the Ultimate Warrior defeated Rick Rude.

 

1992: A Russian man arrived at his weekend country home near Arkhangelsk on the White Sea to find the entire house, storage buildings, and fences stolen. The thieves had not touched his vegetable garden. ***MARLAR: So not only were they thieves, but they were junk-food junkies.

 

1996: Four armed and masked bandits intent on robbing a Checkers restaurant in Pembroke Pines, Florida, were arrested when it turned out the shrub near the drive-in window was carrying a shotgun. Detective Earl Feugill had been staked-out as a shaggy green bush for 90 minutes waiting for the robbers who had been targeting fast food restaurants.

 

1997: Animal humane officer Bob Warren of Kenosha, Wisconsin, rescued his seventh skunk of the summer with its head stuck in a Yoplait yogurt container. Warren said it’s not that difficult as long as you keep the skunk’s tail down.

 

1999: Two Russian cosmonauts and a French astronaut left Mir to return to Earth, leaving the orbiting Russian space station unmanned for the first time in 13 years.

 

2001: Sophie Frith won the Southern Daily Echo baby beauty contest in London. Ironically, her identical twin sister Olivia didn’t even make the second round. The twins were dressed alike and their photos were indistinguishable, yet Sophie received hundreds more votes than Olivia.

 

2002: Working off-duty security at a New Orleans bus station, homicide detective Bernard Crowden was catching up on paperwork for a murder case when the suspect walked up and asked where he could catch a cab. Crowden immediately arrested Tron Hughes, who had just stepped off a bus from Houston. He was jailed without bond for first-degree murder.

 

2005: The Gulf Coast between New Orleans and the Florida Panhandle was battening down for the second landfall of Hurricane Katrina, a Category 3 storm and getting stronger.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1640: Rhode Island agreement allows religious freedom, the first colony to grant full religious tolerance.

 

1660: Charles II, newly restored to the throne, orders the works of poet John Milton (who supported the Parliament) to be burned by royal decree. Milton though imprisoned for a short while, continues work on his masterpiece, Paradise Lost.

 

1727: Count Nicolaus von Zinzendorf’s Moravian community at Herrnhut, Germany, begins a round-the-clock “prayer chain.” Reportedly, at least one person in the community was praying every minute of the day—for more than a century.

 

1826: George Müller preaches his first sermon, has no joy in the memorized words and preaches more extemporaneously after that.

 

1876: G. Campbell Morgan preaches his first sermon. He was only thirteen at the time and took “Salvation” as his theme. He became a great evangelical pastor and commentator.

 

1910: Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu is born to an Albanian couple in Yugoslavia. At age 18, Agnes entered an Irish convent. She later became known worldwide as Mother Teresa.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Spy Kids) Alexa Vega, 27
  • Actress (“Scrubs,” “Roseanne’s” short-term Becky) Sarah Chalke, 39 (
    )
  • Actor Paul (Pee-wee Herman) Reubens; 63
  • Comedian, actor (Carvelli on “Welcome Back, Kotter”), voice actor (voice of Roger Rabbit) Charles Fleischer, 65 (
    )
  • Actress (Caveman) Barbara Bach, 68
  • Actor (Sgt. Rizzo on TV’s “M*A*S*H”) G.W. Bailey, 70 (
    )
  • actress  (Falling Down, Once Upon A Time In America) Tuesday Weld 72

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Jimmy C. Newman

1937 : Tommy Sands

1937 : Phil Shulman (Gentle Giant)

1942 : Daryl Dragon (Captain & Tenille)

1944 : Cuba Gooding Sr. (The Main Ingredient)

1944 : Tim Bogert (Vanilla Fudge)

1945 : Malcolm Allured (Showaddywaddy)

1949 : Jeff Cook (Alabama)

1951 : Kevin Kavanaugh (Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes)

1953 : Alex Lifeson (Rush)

1956 : Glen Matlock (The Sex Pistols)

1962 : Yolanda Adams

1970 : Tony Kanal (No Doubt)

1977 : Mase

1979 : Jon Siebles (Eve 6)

1986 : Mario

1991 : Spencer Garuk

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is someone who is “in the know” considered “hip?”

This word originated with the beatniks in the 1950s and it meant that you were “cool,” with the perspective of an outsider, usually with very non-conforming politics and a lifestyle to match. Over the years it’s been modified to mean an especially acute awareness of what’s going on. All of which is pretty funny since it originated with a word that first meant conformity, to be in lockstep with everyone else. Hip is a variation of “hep,” a word used by jazz musicians in the 1930s that also meant to be in the know. But hep itself came from being in the know in a way that jazz musicians, beatniks, hippies or hip people today would definitely not regard as cool. It originated with the military cadence, “hep, two, three, four.” Being hep, in soldier talk, meant that you were in perfect step. Definitely square.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

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Blake, from band Finding Favour, says stabbing yourself in the arm is not fun. He shared online: Sometimes you try to cut a rope and the knife slips and you stab your forearm and pass out and end up in the emergency room to get stitches. Not fun.

 

Ellie Holcomb says winning I Spy with her daughter is a piece of cake. She tweeted: Her way of playing: “I spy with my little eye, Green grass!!!”

 

Building 429’s Jesse Garcia is glad to be back on his feet. He tweeted: Feel waay better today. Food poisoning ain’t no joke friends.

 

Jonny Diaz says he and his wife recently took their daughter Charlie to her first concert and it sounds like she’s hooked. Jonny tweeted: I think it’s safe to say that she’s a NeedtoBreathe fan.

 

Casting Crowns Juan DeVevo tweeted this week: our lunches just swapped gender roles. Juan had a salmon topped salad while his wife, fellow Casting Crowns member Melodee Devevo, was enjoying ribs and onion rings. https://t.co/RJW9gCvF54

 

Tuesday was a milestone day for Chris and Jodi of Love and The Outcome. The couple tweeted: we got our 1st dishwasher. But to make it even more monumental, Chris and Jodi say the new dishwasher came with their new house. They posted a picture in front of their first house this week with the hash tag #allgrowdup http://t.co/lSqIVkn1eQ

 

Mercyme guitarist Mike Scheuchzer has a new definition of a great friend. He tweeted this week: A good friend will help you build a deck… A great friend will “ride” a lawnmower with your 3yr old while you check out at Home Depot.

 

Moriah Peters was in California checking out progress on her first feature film this week. The movie is titled Gracia and Moriah says the studio is just wrapping up work on the color correction. Online sources still have the movie set to release on September 1 but not a lot of other information about the production is currently available.

 

Rush of Fools Wes Willis says his hard work is paying off. Wes has been running for the past couple of months and tweeted this week: Finally worked up to 7 miles. No breaks. Averaging 10 minute miles. Down 10 pounds and feeling great. Wes says anyone can do it. The key, according to Wes, is to: Have a goal. Write it down. Get determined. Work hard.

 

Plumb and her husband Jeremy are in Colorado this week to tell their story on Focus on the Family. Tiffany Lee said it will be both exciting and emotional as we come and tell our story of marriage reconciliation and hope.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Man arrested after firing fake gun outside Tombstone saloon
TOMBSTONE, Ariz. (AP) — A man who shot several rounds from a prop gun outside a saloon in the historic Arizona town of Tombstone faces disorderly conduct and other charges. Tombstone Marshal John Houston says the man was in the Dragoon Saloon early Tuesday when he got into a fight with his…

 

2 homeless pythons given to Vermont man headed to sanctuary    photo
NORTH CLARENDON, Vt. (AP) — Two giant southeast Asian pythons that were rescued by a long-time snake collector and were turned over to state game wardens are headed to a sanctuary. The larger of the two reticulated pythons picked up Tuesday by experts from the Massachusetts-based Rainforest…
Clock shock: British admit Big Ben’s bongs not quite on time    photo
LONDON (AP) — Don’t set your watch by Big Ben. Officials say the famous clock at Britain’s Parliament — used by Londoners for decades to check the time — has recently been slow by as much as six seconds. The 156-year-old clock chimes every 15 minutes and emits deep bongs to mark…
2 bears who caused trouble at Grand Teton at Dakota zoo
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. (AP) — A zoo in southeast South Dakota has taken in two black bears that caused some trouble at Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming. The Great Plains Zoo and Delbridge Museum of Natural History in Sioux Falls will now be home to a 12-year-old female bear and her young cub….
Pair found asleep in garage after homeowner reports burglary
NEW CASTLE, Pa. (AP) — Police in Pennsylvania say officers found a couple asleep in a garage with the light on after a homeowner reported a burglary. New Castle police tell the New Castle News (http://bit.ly/1MKLvZB) that they found the couple early Saturday, shortly after the homeowner…
Dog’s warning tipped family to Nevada house fire
SPANISH SPRINGS, Nev. (AP) — A Spanish Springs family has been forced out of their home after a house fire, but authorities say no one was hurt thanks in part to a family pet. Officials for the Truckee Meadows Fire Protection District say one of the family’s dogs alerted them to the fire that…
Texas couple rushes marriage vows to beat the stork
HOUSTON (AP) — It could have been the plot of a movie: A Houston couple improvises a hospital wedding in less than an hour after the bride goes into labor early. Stephanie Tallent was eight months pregnant and having an ultrasound Friday when she went into labor at Texas Children’s Pavilion…
Police: Woman found intruder taking a shower, doing laundry
ERIE, Pa. (AP) — Pennsylvania State Police say a woman found an intruder taking a shower and doing his laundry at her home when she woke up. Troopers say the resident summoned police to her home in Greene Township, near Erie, on Saturday morning. Twenty-four-year-old Erie resident Casey James…
Geese, their waste, invade Pennsylvania football field
NANTY GLO, Pa. (AP) — A western Pennsylvania high school football team had to move its scrimmage after geese — and the waste they leave behind — invaded its stadium. HASH(0x13ebce0) The field is owned by the borough 65 miles east of Pittsburgh and its recreation authority, but the…
Ball State freshman wins free tuition with half-court shot
MUNCIE, Ind. (AP) — An incoming freshman has won free tuition for a semester at Ball State University after sinking a half-court shot. Lem Turner of Illinois made the lucky shot Thursday night during a freshman pep rally for this year’s athletic events at Worthen Arena. The event was held as…
Mama bear, 5 cubs beat the heat in New Jersey family’s pool
ROCKAWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) — A mama bear and her five cubs decided to beat the heat in a New Jersey backyard pool. Tim Basso posted a video online showing the bears climbing into his family’s above-ground pool, tumbling out of it, dragging around pool toys and climbing on a slide and swing…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

3 generations of Swedish family linked by single womb    photo
GOTHENBURG, Sweden (AP) — For one family in Sweden, a pioneering procedure has led to a baby being born from the same womb that nurtured his mother, uniting three generations. The new mother, who lost her own uterus to cancer in her 20s, said it was “unimaginable” that she now had her own…

 

Doctors recommend early exposure to prevent peanut allergies    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — A pediatricians’ group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn 1. The interim guidance is in response to a major allergy study published earlier this year that found that exposure to peanuts in infancy…
Report: Nearly 47 million people now have dementia
LONDON (AP) — Health researchers say there are now nearly 47 million people living with dementia globally, up from 35 million in 2009. They warned that without a medical breakthrough, numbers will likely double every 20 years. In a report issued on Tuesday, researchers from Alzheimer’s…
Prosecutors: Ex-surgeon calls himself ‘killer’ in email
DALLAS (AP) — A Texas neurosurgeon facing criminal charges alleging he may have intentionally hurt patients who had turned to him to resolve debilitating injuries sent a chilling email to his girlfriend saying he was ready to “become a cold blooded killer,” according to prosecutors….
PM hikes Romanian doctors’ wages by 25 percent
BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) — Romania’s prime minister has hiked doctors’ and nurses’ wages, among the lowest in Europe, by 25 percent after medics threatened to strike following a court ruling that they could no longer accept informal payments and gifts. Victor Ponta approved the raise…
Illinois man denies cancer drug smuggling conspiracy charge
HELENA, Mont. (AP) — An Illinois man pleaded not guilty Tuesday to conspiring with an online Canadian pharmacy to smuggle mislabeled, unapproved and, in two cases, counterfeit prescription drugs into the U.S. to sell to doctors. Ram Kamath appeared before U.S. Magistrate Judge Jeremiah Lynch…
Tardy tax filers risk loss of health care subsidies    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sign-up season for President Barack Obama’s health care law doesn’t start for another couple of months, but the next few days are crucial for hundreds of thousands of customers at risk of losing financial aid when they renew coverage for 2016. Call them tardy tax filers: an…
Second cancers are on the rise; 1 in 5 US cases is a repeat    photo
Second cancers are on the rise. Nearly 1 in 5 new cases in the U.S. now involves someone who has had the disease before. When doctors talk about second cancers, they mean a different tissue type or a different site, not a recurrence or spread of the original tumor. Judith Bernstein of suburban…
Sierra Leone releases its last known Ebola patient    photo
MATENEH, Sierra Leone (AP) — Health authorities in Sierra Leone released the country’s last known Ebola patient from a hospital on Monday, a milestone that allows the nation to begin a 42-day countdown to being declared free of the virus that has killed nearly 4,000 people here. President…
With many Ebola survivors ailing, doctors evaluate situation    photo
DAKAR, Senegal (AP) — Lingering health problems afflicting many of the roughly 13,000 Ebola survivors have galvanized global and local health officials to find out how widespread the ailments are, and how to remedy them. The World Health Organization calls it an emergency within an emergency….
As cancer treatment begins, Carter to scale back on work    photo
ATLANTA (AP) — Former President Jimmy Carter is stepping back from most of his humanitarian work and surrounding himself with family as doctors target the skin cancer that showed up in his liver and brain. Four generations of Carters are gathering in his tiny hometown of Plains, Georgia, to…

 

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The IRS admitted that identity thieves breached their database and stole information on 300,000 taxpayers.  ***So, in other words, the IRS is just as reliable and trustworthy as Ashley Madison.

 

Prepare to battle the most traffic we’ve seen in six years on Labor Day, according to AAA. That’s 34.7 million cars traveling at least 50 miles from home, the highest since 2008 when the recession hit.  ***MARLAR: Spending most of my time in rush hour?  That sounds like work to me… which completely defeats the point of Labor Day.

 

A mountain biker in New Mexico who was impaled in the neck by a tree branch managed to avoid serious injury — even after riding his bike 20 miles to the nearest hospital. The biker suffered the injury when he fell off his bike and was impaled in the neck by a branch. Despite the painful injury, the biker managed to get into a car and ride 20 miles to the University of New Mexico for treatment.  *** See, this proves my theory… exercise is bad for you and could be life-threatening, which is why I never do it.  Now pass the Cheetos.

 

On Tuesday, Jenny Simpson ran the final 600 meters of the 1,500-meter finals at the IAAF World Championships in Beijing without a shoe. The heel of her shoe got caught on another runner and slipped off. But she kept running and Simpson crossed the finish line for 11th place.  ***Can you imagine the embarrassment of being the person who came in 12th, behind the person who ran with only one shoe?  You’d never live it down.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) released a report that said taxing people based on how many miles they drive is a possible option for raising new revenues and that these taxes could be used to offset the costs of highway maintenance at a time when federal funds are short.  ***MARLAR: So what have we been paying for roads with up to now?  How about we use THAT money – the money collected from us already that was supposed to go to fixing and maintaining roads?  Come to think of it, we’re already taxed by the mile anyway aren’t we?  We pay taxes for gasoline as it is – and the further we drive, the more gas we need to buy.  This is like paying tax for a cheeseburger, but then also being taxed additionally for each bite it takes for you finish your meal.

 

Want to reduce the effects of global warming? Stop working so hard. Working fewer hours might help slow global warming, according to a new study released by the Center for Economic Policy and Research.  A worldwide switch to a “more European” work schedule, which includes working fewer hours and more vacation time, could prevent as much as half of the expected global temperature rise by 2100, according to the analysis, which used a recent study that found shorter work hours could be associated with lower carbon emissions.   ***MARLAR: I used to think the whole global warming thing was a complete crock – but now I’m 100% convinced it is absolutely real and we must do something about it IMMEDIATELY!

 

Scientists are increasingly warning that sitting for prolonged periods – even if you also exercise regularly – could be bad for your health. And it doesn’t matter where the sitting takes place – at the office, at school, in the car or before a computer or TV – just the overall number of hours it occurs.  ***MARLAR: I should be dead by now.

 

New parents who don’t have enough to obsess over can now give an I.Q. test to babies as young as six months. Fisher-Price paid child expert Dr. Dorothy Einon to create the 10-question test. It determines a baby’s intellectual development by its reactions to such things as being fed, dropping a teddy bear, playing “This Little Piggy,” enjoying nursery rhymes, playing with toy phones, performing “pat-a-cake,” hearing its name and waving goodbye.  ***MARLAR: I enjoy all of those things – I must be a genius!

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Typed Up, Written Down”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Joey ILO, “Clown Dad”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were completely exhausted from trying to keep up with their own schedules. They didn’t have time for all of their chores, didn’t have time for friends, meetings, even quick conversations! After collapsing from the stress, a group of very peaceful turtles wandered by…

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another episode in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 29/30, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear was heading out for a picnic, singing show tunes. He wanted to go alone, but Millard the Monkey talked him into taking him along as well… but then Millard told all the other jungle animals, and now everybody is heading out for one gigantic picnic!

 

CLOSE: The mother of all picnic spots in order to have the mother of all picnics! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Do we really have to remind you why it’s not a good idea to smoke while you’re pumping gasoline?

At a Race Trac station near the University of Central Florida, a woman was injured after starting a fire because she was smoking a cigarette as she filled her car with gas. Flames burned the gas pump and set her car on fire. Guess she didn’t see the signs that said “no smoking” next to the pump. Or maybe she just didn’t know gasoline was flammable. And get this — for some insane reason police said the woman would not be ticketed for the incident.  Maybe they thought she’d already been punished enough.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT YOUR MINISTER TO SAY WHILE VISITING YOU IN THE HOSPITAL

  1. Out, Legion!
  2. Am I too late?
  3. Honestly, you make that oxygen mask look great!
  4. I’d stay longer, but I have a funeral sermon to write!
  5. So, do you think you can learn to play the piano with your feet? By Sunday?
  6. The board was praying for you last night. They voted 5 to 3 for your recovery!
  7. Sorry about that stepping on the air hose thing!
  8. Let’s just look at these burns as an evangelistic tool!
  9. Good News! The board just decided to rename the library in your name!
  10. Rats! Why does everyone get to see Jesus before me!

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Playing with helium can do more than mess with your voice – it can mess with your freedom and land you in jail!  The files of Law & Disorder are on the way!

 

FILE #1: Steven Stanberry liked to play around with explosives. He especially liked to fill garbage bags with helium and release them with burning fuses and explosives attached. When the fuse burned down the whole thing would explode in midair which Steven thought was very cool. Everything was fine until one of his floating bombs went astray. It floated three miles before coming to rest on the roof of the Los Angeles County sheriff’s station whereupon it exploded. No one was hurt but it angered the cops enough that, using wind patterns, they were able to trace the bomb back to Mr. Stanberry’s neighborhood where he was tracked down and arrested.

 

FILE #2: An armed robber in Durban, South Africa was caught when, after distracting a photo store manager by having the manager take his picture using a Polaroid camera so his buddies could rob the staff, took the photo from the camera, threw it to the floor and ran – believing that light would expose the film, apparently not aware that one of the cool things about Polaroid cameras is that the film develops before your very eyes, in broad daylight. Police were very happy to have a clear photo of the man they were looking for.

 

FILE #3: A convict in Newark, Delaware escaped one night from a Delaware jail – prompting police to contact local motels and hotels to warn them. Turns out the prisoner did, indeed, need a room for the night and entered a Travelodge motel. They required some sort of ID to give him a room… so he presented them with his prison ID. It was a very good ID though… the lodge knew exactly who he was.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be arrested and sent to jail.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Something smelled rotten when Michael Hanczyk showed up in court to fight a drunken driving charge. Authorities say it was the booze on his breath.

A judge stopped a hearing and ordered the 42-year-old Hanczyk to take a field sobriety test after he and others said they smelled alcohol on Hanczyk’s breath.  “Everyone smelled him,” said district attorney Nancy Vernon.  A breath test indicated that Hanczyk had a blood alcohol content of 0.296 percent, more than three times the state’s legal limit. Hanczyk was charged with drunken driving after an accident in Henry Clay Township, near the West Virginia border. Police said Hanczyk suddenly stopped his car, setting off a chain-reaction crash with two other vehicles. After two troopers reported smelling alcohol on Hanczyk, he refused to take a field sobriety test but later agreed to take a blood test, which indicated he was drunk, authorities said.  But Hargrove sought to have the charge dismissed, saying police didn’t have probable cause to arrest Hanczyk because he was driving safely.  So he showed up in court to fight the drunk driving charge… but he showed up drunk in court.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

How much did you spend on back-to-school shopping this year?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who is described as a “cake not turned”?

ANSWER: Ephriam (Hosea 7:8)

 

QUESTION: Who heard the voice of Jesus many months after Jesus’ ascension to heaven?
ANSWER: Paul (Acts 9:4-5 = “He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?’ ‘Who are you, Lord? Saul asked. ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ he replied.”

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How far into pregnancy does an unborn baby begin to develop fingerprints?

ANSWER: At the age of eight weeks.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The “Gangsta” was the bully who terrorized Arnold on “Different Strokes”. (False, The Gooch)

 

  1. Molly Ringwald was part of the original cast of “The Facts of Life” (True)

 

  1. Mork from Ork was famous for the line “nanoo nanoo.” (True)

 

  1. Webster called his adoptive parents Moo-Moo and Sap. (False, Ma’am and George)

 

  1. On the TV show, “Dallas” Sue Ellen’s sister, Kristin, shot J.R. Ewing. (True)

 

  1. On “Little House on the Prairie,” the original name for the school teacher was Miss Beatle. (True)

 

  1. Braces go all the way back to the year 1920. (False, back to the time of the mummies. Some of them have been found with crude metal bands wrapped around their teeth)

 

  1. Cosmopolitan magazine started in 1886. (True – but it was very different back then. It featured short stories by Teddy Roosevelt and Henry James.)

 

  1. The three Ms in 3M stand for Mission Major Manufacturing. (False, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing)

 

  1. The record for the biggest one-day rainfall was 74 inches. (True – set on Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean, on March 15, 1952, where 74 inches of rain fell in 24 hours.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Man Rides _________ From Minnesota To Wyoming!”  (MULE)

Rod Maday rode his mule into Gillette, Wyoming all the way from Boy River, Minnesota! The 1500 mile journey took six weeks and Rod says, “I’ve got the saddle sores to prove it.” He said he lost his driver’s license 10 years ago after he was accused in a hit-and-run, and was having a hard time finding work in Minnesota but heard that Wyoming had plenty of jobs that paid well.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A clerk in a department store had broken a long-standing sales record. “How did you do it?” his boss asked.

“Well,” the clerk said, “A customer came in and I sold him some fish hooks. ‘You’ll need a line for those hooks’ I said to him, and he bought some line. Then I told him, ‘You’ll want a rod to go with that line.’ So he bought the rod. So I said, ‘You ought to have a boat so you can use your rod in deep water,’ and the guy bought a boat. When I told him that he needed boat trailer, he said, ‘Well, I’ll take one of those, too.’ Finally, I said, ‘How are you going to pull that boat without a car?’ and guess what! He bought my car, too!”

The manager said, “But I assigned you to the greeting card department.”

The salesman said, “I know that. This guy came in for a get-well card for his girl friend, who had a broken hip. When I heard that I said to him, ‘You can’t go out with her for six weeks, so you might as well go fishing.'”

 

JOKE #2

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. 

Then the father and son attended church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. 

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, “PLAY BALL!!!”

 

JOKE #3

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? 
A: They all have phones.

Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? 
A: She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? 
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? 
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers? 
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? 
A: Quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? 
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 
A: Frostbite.

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? 
A: A pool table.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

What’s new? How about a giant omelet from emu eggs? Ann Merkel sells huge green emu eggs at her table at the Lawrence, Kan., Farmers’ Market. The eggs go for four bucks apiece.  They weigh up to two pounds and are the equivalent of about a dozen chicken eggs. She has eight pairs of breeding birds on her Sundance Emu Ranch. Her husband Bill is especially fond of scrambled Emu egg. But he tells the Journal-World newspaper one egg is enough for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  ***MARLAR: Or for me, a light breakfast… and maybe a muffin.

 

Some Maryland bird lovers are happy to see Grumpy. Grumpy is a mute swan who lives in a dog house by a Carroll County pond. The big bird is an unofficial mascot of the local Humane Society. But staffers were worried about Grumpy after he disappeared a month ago. This week, Grumpy returned, dirty but unharmed. Society Executive Director Nicky Ratliff says Grumpy swam across the pond when they called his name. The bird is called Grumpy because his former owner said he didn’t get along with the other swans.  ***MARLAR: If the swan is mute, shouldn’t it be named after Dopey?

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

BACON TREE
Back in the Wild West, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, “We’re lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?” “Vell,” the old Jewish man said, “I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”

“A bacon tree!!!!?” asked the wagon train leader.

“Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie.”
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. “So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.

“Oh, you know the Jewish folks–they don’t eat bacon.” So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. The wagon train leader was disheveled and wounded. The near-dead man starts shouting, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me.”

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, “oy, vait a minute, vait a minute.”
He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. “Oh mine Gott,” he said. “I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How dedicated of a son do YOU have?

A 32-year-old man in India is just over halfway through a 17-year pilgrimage carrying his elderly mother on his back from their home to a holy Hindu city for a festival. He walks a couple of miles every day and they rest in temples at night.  In a recent interview, he told the reporter that he doesn’t mind carrying his mother on his back instead of driving to the festival in a car.  ***MARLAR: However, he IS getting tired of her using his bald spot as a cup holder.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

People with character:
They walk with integrity.
They do what is right.
They tell the truth.
They don’t gossip.
They don’t mistreat people.
They side with those who are right.
They keep their word.
They lend money to those in need without interest.
They don’t take advantage of people for financial gain.

(Adapted from the Psalms)
Be a blessing, and let your character shine through in all that you do!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Society’s hatred for the Jews has always been inexplicable. The fact remains, however, that Satan knew salvation (Jesus) would come from the Jews, and thus he sought at every turn to destroy the Jewish people. The Jews’ worship of the true God and rejection of idolatry caused Mordecai to refuse to worship any human being (Esther 3:5). Satan is enraged at anyone who will not bow down and worship him. Haman’s well-conceived plot looked foolproof, but God had been engineering a rescue operation about which Haman knew nothing! Working her way up to the right hand of the king was a little orphan (Esther) who would ultimately be the tool of deliverance in the hand of God.
Satan’s best plans are always spoiled by a God who knows the end from the beginning and works to provide a “way out” before the “way in” even exists! “Let not those gloat over me who are my enemies without cause” (Psalm 35:19). Stand still and wait on God, for He has had the solution since before the problem was created.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

Can a roller coaster help you get pregnant?

Nayade Elbing thought she couldn’t have children, but found herself pregnant one week after she and her husband went for a ride on the Expedition GeForce, one of the world’s fastest roller coasters, at an amusement park in Germany. Her doctor thinks it was the G force of the roller coaster ride that helped her get pregnant.  ***MARLAR: Especially since the baby was born screaming with its hands in the air.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

SURE-FIRE TIPS FOR SMOOTHER SCHOOL DAYS

  • Start Your Day the Night Before. Prepare snacks and clothes and solidify the next day’s plan at night. Fill your child’s backpack with the things that he may need for school or for an after-school play date.
  • Wake Up Earlier. Give yourself and your child extra time in the morning — even 15 minutes will help. Try using an alarm clock that plays soothing nature sounds or happy music to make wake-up time more fun.
  • Send Only Teacher-Approved Items to School. Talk to your child’s teacher about classroom rules before sending in anything. Most teachers do not want children bringing in valuable items or toys that encourage aggressive play but will likely encourage a favorite book or photograph.
  • Create a Special Drop-Off Ritual. Come up with a memorable, loving way to say goodbye — a lipstick kiss on the hand, a secret handshake, or a special phrase that you create with your child.
  • Set Aside After-School Downtime. Some children experience a “meltdown” at the end of the day. To avoid this, try to build in some time to unwind after school. Allow your child to visit the playground, spend time alone curled up with a book, or engage in quiet activities such as painting, building with blocks, or solitary imaginative play.
  • Make Dinnertime Family Time. Whenever possible, eat together as a family. Kids benefit from spontaneous dinner-table conversations. Ask your child to tell you about his day and share interesting things that happened to you. He will feel more “grown up” when he is included in this sort of conversation.
  • Follow the School’s Rules. Teachers count on families to support the classroom rules and routines — such as sick-child policies, authorized escorts, and arriving on time.
  • Give Your Child Undivided Attention. Set aside time each day just to be with your child — even if it’s just 20 minutes — and allow no interruptions. Follow his lead and take time to observe his interests and enter his world. You will learn a lot about your child, and he will be thrilled to have this time with you.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

SMART CAR

Talking to your car can be seen as a bit odd, but soon it could be norm… and your car will talk back!

Honda, with help from partner IBM Corp., is preparing to introduce an improved speech-recognition system that will allow drivers to get voice navigation guidance without having to manually punch in any information or take their eyes off the road to read a computer screen.  Using embedded IBM software, the system can provide voice guidance for more than 1.7 million street and city names in the continental United States. It also offers audible directions – and even reviews – to nearby restaurants, and command-and-control capabilities for audio, climate control and other functions.  The new system will come as standard equipment in many vehicles in the future. ***MARLAR: Are guys really going to be okay with a car computer that acts like a wife?  “You’re going to fast”, “Stop tailgating this woman”, “You just ran a red light, you goober…”

 

 

FUN LIST

RECENT CLASSIFIED ADS

The following were taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

  • Amana washer $100. owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed
  • Free puppies…part German shepherd – part dog
  • 83 Toyota Hunchback — $2000
  • German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
  • Shakespeare’s pizza – free chopsticks
  • Hummels – largest selection ever “If it’s in stock, we have it!”
  • Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
  • American flag 60 stars – pole included $100
  • Notice: To the person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near Southridge Storage: Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

LOOK OUT

The day may come when everyone sees not only 20/20, but possibly 20/10 – the limit on our vision!  And that could become the norm for the world! 

The eyeglasses of the future will not only be able to restore your vision, but also might be able to make your vision superior to the average person. David Williams, a vision scientist at the University of Rochester, New York, says that glasses of the future will give people super vision. Using technology similar to astronomy telescopes, these new glasses will create super sharp images. The wearer will approach the theoretical limit of 20/10 vision, where you can see from 20 feet away what the average person can see at 10 feet.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

It turns out that the naysayers who dismissed the Ice Bucket Challenge as “hashtag activism” were wrong. According to Vice’s Mike Pearl, the $100 million in funding the challenge generated has led to breakthroughs in our understanding of what causes ALS and how it can be treated. Researchers now report that ALS — a fatal neurodegenerative disease that causes the muscles in the body to deteriorate — is caused by a defective protein, and stem cell therapy has shown promising results in lab tests. Jonathan Ling, medical researcher at Johns Hopkins, stated funding from the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has been instrumental in helping scientists break new scientific ground. http://huff.to/1JhZ1Vt

 

Earlier this year, The Huffington Post’s Religion section decided to conduct a little experiment. They asked readers to do something humans have been trying to do for centuries — to define God. The catch? They had to encapsulate all of God in just one word. The online news source received more than 2,200 responses on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter varying from “fiction” to “faith.” But despite their diverse religious backgrounds, the word came to mind most often when our readers thought about God was the word Love.  http://ow.ly/R5MC7

 

Happy anniversary to Walter and Lisette Kimmel. According to USA Today, the pair married on Aug. 18, 1940 and both are 100 years old. The couple, who met when they were 22, celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary at Charlestown Retirement Community in Maryland. http://usat.ly/1LjAnkH

 

RUN THROUGH THE RAIN

Many of us are afraid of doing things just because it may ruin our appearance. Such as, running in the rain because we don’t want to get wet. But as one grandmother found out, sometimes running through the rain, and getting wet can be just what we need.  http://bit.ly/1sXuzqz

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.” –Milton Berle

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Analyze This!

True confession. In my twenties, my first radio job barely paid me enough to buy gas to get back and forth to work and share the rent of a cheap apartment. While I knew the risks of driving without insurance, I did so for a season of time. And sure enough, I had a minor accident while uninsured. Thank God it wasn’t worse!
Several months later, I married my beloved Rhonda and our financial picture improved. Time to get my insurance squared away! We stopped in at the agency where Rhonda had her auto policy to have me added. Surprise! Not only would they not add me to any policy, they were now dropping her since she had married an insurance risk! Talk about a blow to one’s self esteem. And I didn’t get any smiles from my new bride on the way out.
Since that time, I’ve never driven without auto insurance. I’m no longer considered a risky guy. At least in that area. In fact, the company that gave us that painful rejection has made many offers over the years to have us sign up. Hmmm. I’m still thinking it over and weighing the risk factors. (Smile)
Make no mistake. I’m not questioning the right of any company to qualify their customers. Perhaps there might have been a way to work with us, however.
This brings me to a new “character” defining method being employed today, via algorithms. I learned of it in an article in the New York Times, as written by Quentin Hardy: “Using Algorithms to Determine Character.”
The story tells of a California firm that loans money. And in the course of just over a year, they have forked over $135 million to people with “mostly negligible credit ratings.” We’re talking recent college graduates without the normal credit building history.
Instead, this company, known as Upstart, chooses SAT scores, college information including majors, and grade-point averages. The quality of the chosen school factors in as well.
What I found especially interesting in the story was the way two men from different companies engaged in this analytics-based evaluation system avoided the use of the word “character.” Paul Gu, co-founder of Upstart, skips around it. And Douglas Merrill, founder and CEO of another lending company, ZestFinance, puts a qualifier on it as well.
Merrill says, “‘Character’ is a loaded term, but there is an important difference between ability to pay and willingness to pay.” Willingness is a character issue.
Some of the evaluation criteria considered is whether a person has ever given up a prepaid wireless phone number. If so, why? Were they on the run? Another firm uses analytics to predict how long an employee will stay by looking at past work behavior. Or how well a manager holds on to talent. Or a person’s tenacity.
These companies may shy away from using the word character, but it has certainly found its place of importance in business. Warren Bennis has said, “Successful leadership is not about being tough or soft, sensitive or assertive, but about a set of attributes. First and foremost is character.” Scottish minister and author John C. Geikie stated, “Our character is but the stamp on our souls of the free choices of good and evil we have made through life.”
Here’s an important lesson for all of us. The quality of our character can change over time. The person you were yesterday is not the person you have to be tomorrow. Or as I heard recently, “Your history is not your destiny.” We can develop and improve our character with time.
There is One whose character does NOT change. Hebrews 13:8 says plainly, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (ESV) James 1:17 adds, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” (ESV)
I wonder if there are any analytics that could measure the change in a person who comes to faith? The Bible says we become new creatures when that faith takes hold. The old has passed away. The new has come. Our character changes.
I know something else very important about God’s love. Once you’re on His plan, the policy states that you never get dropped. Whew!
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

AUGUST 21, 2015…

 

Grandma—What are Grandmother’s for?  Sometimes for a hug and sometimes to help out in a tough situation.  In this film, Lily Tomlin plays the profanity-using grandmother who is asked by her grand-daughter Julia Garner, to help raise money for a personal crisis. Marcia Gay Harden is also in the cast. “Grandma” is an adult film and rated R. No rating.

 

American Ultra—This movie is an action comedy about a rogue government agent who has a target on his back. Everyone wants to get him.  The large cast includes Jesse Eisenberg, Topher Grace, Kristen Stewart and Walton Goggins. “American Ultra” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Digging For Fire—Here is a comedy with dark humor concerning a young, married couple who spend a weekend trying to figure out what is wrong…and right…with their marriage.  The cast includes Jake Johnson, Anna Hendricks and Orlando Bloom. “Digging For Fire” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Sinister 2—Of course, there is another one. In this continuation, a young mother (Shannon Sossamon) and the nine year old twin sons fight evil. The bad spirit wants the children to kill people. James Ransome is the detective trying to help. “Sinister 2” is rated R. No rating.

 

*Note: “Sleeping With Other People” starring Jason Sukeikis is now due to be released September 13.

 

AUGUST 28, 2015…

 

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Green Legend is a sequel to the famous film.

 

Hitman: Agent 47 is based on the game series and stars Rupert Friend.

 

The War Room is a Christian drama about making a marriage work and stars Alex Kendricks.

 

We Are Your Friends is a  music drama starring Zac Efron about trying to build a career in the music business.

 

Regression concerns a young girl trying to regain her memory. Stars Emma Watson.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.