August 27, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

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***LIFE LINES – FREE TO AIR! (Updates automatically weekdays at 8am.)

 

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160827

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Remember, ignorance is bliss — and today’s (JOCK SHOW) has bliss runnin’ out the nose!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“We know that all things work together for good to them that love God…” –Romans 8:28

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, … But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. — Joshua 24:15

Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. — Romans 12:4-5

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. — Jeremiah 31:25

Thought: In the overwhelming, hair-raising, and depressing prophecies of Jeremiah, God repeatedly told his people he would destroy them for their obstinate and hardened hearts. Yet in the middle of these powerful and scorching warnings, God also slips in passages that soar with hope and grace. Can you think of anything more reassuring than God’s promise to “refresh the weary and satisfy the faint”? For seventy years, that’s all Israel had — God’s promise. But when the time came, God made good on his word. I believe he will do the same with us today!

Prayer: Great Shepherd, I am tired and weary. Please refresh my Spirit and my body. Please help me find satisfaction in the abundance you have already so graciously shared with me. To you belongs all glory, honor, strength and power. I joyously submit myself in faith, waiting for the rest and satisfaction you have promised. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:27 NIV = And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – AUGUST 27, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
25 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is HOLD A BUBBLEGUM BUBBLE BLOWING TOURNAMENT DAY.

Today is FALL TO PIECES BEFORE BREAKFAST DAY. ***MARLAR: Normally, I wait until my show is well underway before things fall to pieces… but you’ve probably already noticed that.

Today is PETROLEUM DAY, marking the first commercial oil well that began pumping on August 27, 1859 in Titusville, Pennsylvania. ***MARLAR: And when it comes to jellies, I prefer grape over petroleum.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Franchise Appreciation Day

International Bat Night

Just Because Day

The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28

Pony Express Day

Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day

Radio Commercials Day

Crackers Over The Keyboard Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 29

According To Hoyle Day

Individual Rights Day

International Day Against Nuclear Tests

More Herbs, Less Salt Day

National Sarcoidosis Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30

International Cabernet Sauvignon Day

International Day of The Victims of Enforced Disappearances

International Whale Shark Day

National Grief Awareness Day

National Holistic Pet Day

National Toasted Marshmallow Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31

International Overdose Awareness Day

Love Litigating Lawyers Day

National Matchmaker Day

Tug-of-War Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01

Building And Code Staff Appreciation Day

Calendar Adjustment Day

Chicken Boy’s Day

Emma M. Nutt Day

National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day

Random Acts of Kindness Day

Save Japan’s Dolphins Day

Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 02

Bison-ten Yell Day

V-J Day

Bring Your Manners To Work Day

Cow Chip Throwing Days begin

Hug Your Boss Day

National College Colors Day

National Lazy Moms Day

National No Patrick Day

Sand Sculpting Days begin

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 03

Bacon Day

Franchise Appreciation Day

National Buffalo Chicken Wings Days begin

National Tailgating Day

National Writing Date Day

Penny Press Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 04

National Wildlife Day

Newspaper Carrier Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 05

Be Late For Something Day

Great Bathtub Race

International Day of Charity

Jury Rights Day

Labor Day

ON THIS DAY

1912: Edgar Rice Burroughs published his first magazine story about an abandoned English boy raised by African apes. Tarzan, “King of the Jungle,” became one of the 20th centuries’ best-known fictional characters.

1965: The Beatles, on tour in Los Angeles, visited Elvis Presley at his Bel Air home. They stayed up all night talking and jamming.

1977: Texas Rangers Toby Harrah and Bump Wills hit back-to-back inside-the-park home runs off Ken Clay in Yankee Stadium. The Rangers won 8-2.

1982: Oakland’s Rickey Henderson stole his 119th base to break Lou Brock’s major-league theft record of 118. Rickey stole three more that day, but Milwaukee still won 5-4.

1987: An American couple’s amorous behavior onboard a plane resulted in them being accused of lewd and obscene acts in the presence of a minor. The pilot of the coast-to-coast flight landed in Houston, where the just-married couple were arrested.

1990: In the World Wrestling Federation’s Summer Slam, the Ultimate Warrior defeated Rick Rude.

1992: A Russian man arrived at his weekend country home near Arkhangelsk on the White Sea to find the entire house, storage buildings, and fences stolen. The thieves had not touched his vegetable garden. ***MARLAR: So not only were they thieves, but they were junk-food junkies.

1996: Four armed and masked bandits intent on robbing a Checkers restaurant in Pembroke Pines, Florida, were arrested when it turned out the shrub near the drive-in window was carrying a shotgun. Detective Earl Feugill had been staked-out as a shaggy green bush for 90 minutes waiting for the robbers who had been targeting fast food restaurants.

1997: Animal humane officer Bob Warren of Kenosha, Wisconsin, rescued his seventh skunk of the summer with its head stuck in a Yoplait yogurt container. Warren said it’s not that difficult as long as you keep the skunk’s tail down.

1999: Two Russian cosmonauts and a French astronaut left Mir to return to Earth, leaving the orbiting Russian space station unmanned for the first time in 13 years.

2001: Sophie Frith won the Southern Daily Echo baby beauty contest in London. Ironically, her identical twin sister Olivia didn’t even make the second round. The twins were dressed alike and their photos were indistinguishable, yet Sophie received hundreds more votes than Olivia.

2002: Working off-duty security at a New Orleans bus station, homicide detective Bernard Crowden was catching up on paperwork for a murder case when the suspect walked up and asked where he could catch a cab. Crowden immediately arrested Tron Hughes, who had just stepped off a bus from Houston. He was jailed without bond for first-degree murder.

2005: The Gulf Coast between New Orleans and the Florida Panhandle was battening down for the second landfall of Hurricane Katrina, a Category 3 storm and getting stronger.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1640: Rhode Island agreement allows religious freedom, the first colony to grant full religious tolerance.

1660: Charles II, newly restored to the throne, orders the works of poet John Milton (who supported the Parliament) to be burned by royal decree. Milton though imprisoned for a short while, continues work on his masterpiece, Paradise Lost.

1727: Count Nicolaus von Zinzendorf’s Moravian community at Herrnhut, Germany, begins a round-the-clock “prayer chain.” Reportedly, at least one person in the community was praying every minute of the day—for more than a century.

1826: George Müller preaches his first sermon, has no joy in the memorized words and preaches more extemporaneously after that.

1876: G. Campbell Morgan preaches his first sermon. He was only thirteen at the time and took “Salvation” as his theme. He became a great evangelical pastor and commentator.

1910: Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu is born to an Albanian couple in Yugoslavia. At age 18, Agnes entered an Irish convent. She later became known worldwide as Mother Teresa.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Spy Kids) Alexa Vega, 28

  • Actress (“Scrubs,” “Roseanne’s” short-term Becky) Sarah Chalke, 40 (audio clip)

  • Actor Paul (Pee-wee Herman) Reubens; 64

  • Comedian, actor (Carvelli on “Welcome Back, Kotter”), voice actor (voice of Roger Rabbit) Charles Fleischer, 66 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Caveman) Barbara Bach, 69

  • Actor (Sgt. Rizzo on TV’s “M*A*S*H”) G.W. Bailey, 71 (audio clip)

  • actress  (Falling Down, Once Upon A Time In America) Tuesday Weld 73

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Jimmy C. Newman

1937 : Tommy Sands

1937 : Phil Shulman (Gentle Giant)

1942 : Daryl Dragon (Captain & Tenille)

1944 : Cuba Gooding Sr. (The Main Ingredient)

1944 : Tim Bogert (Vanilla Fudge)

1945 : Malcolm Allured (Showaddywaddy)

1949 : Jeff Cook (Alabama)

1951 : Kevin Kavanaugh (Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes)

1953 : Alex Lifeson (Rush)

1956 : Glen Matlock (The Sex Pistols)

1962 : Yolanda Adams

1970 : Tony Kanal (No Doubt)

1977 : Mase

1979 : Jon Siebles (Eve 6)

1986 : Mario

1991 : Spencer Garuk

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is someone who is “in the know” considered “hip?”

This word originated with the beatniks in the 1950s and it meant that you were “cool,” with the perspective of an outsider, usually with very non-conforming politics and a lifestyle to match. Over the years it’s been modified to mean an especially acute awareness of what’s going on. All of which is pretty funny since it originated with a word that first meant conformity, to be in lockstep with everyone else. Hip is a variation of “hep,” a word used by jazz musicians in the 1930s that also meant to be in the know. But hep itself came from being in the know in a way that jazz musicians, beatniks, hippies or hip people today would definitely not regard as cool. It originated with the military cadence, “hep, two, three, four.” Being hep, in soldier talk, meant that you were in perfect step. Definitely square.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says soaking in Epsom salt does wonders for my over-worked, sore muscles. No, she’s not recovering from a long series of concerts or from working out. Megan says it’s just from being a mom.

It’s been a rough week for the Sidewalk Prophets. They were on their way back to Nashville from Washington State when their bus, nicknamed Bubba, broke down outside of Portland at 2:00am. After waiting 18 hours for a tow truck big enough to haul the bus to the shop the members of the band finally made it to a local town. To make matters worst, band members say that, while they were waiting for the tow truck, a family of skunks sprayed into their central air intake. The members of Sidewalk Prophets say prayer would be appreciated as mechanics try to identify and fix Bubba’s problems.

Before success of “Breathe” Jonny Diaz prayed about leaving music. According to a recent interview with CCM Magazine, the popularity of “Breathe,” came as a complete surprise to everyone involved—from the label to the artist himself. Breathe” is one of five songs on Jonny’s EP Everything Is Changing that came out nearly a year ago. In the time since its release, Diaz has turned his attention to other things. He and his wife have a 13 month old daughter and they also own and operate Fit Factory Nashville, a group training gym with a staff of six coaches and 300 members. Jonny says of the response to the song: It’s a very cool surprise that’s opened all these doors for music for a career that I wouldn’t say was dead, but I would have said was on the way out.” http://bit.ly/CCM-JDft

Moriah Peters on her recent flight:

Falls asleep on Southwest Air flight.

Leans on husband’s shoulder.

Wakes up.

Not my husband.

Oops

Jonny Diaz has been on the road for a long time. He posted this weekend: Only two more concerts, then I get to go home. It’s a good thing… My memory foam mattress probably has no clue who I am.

NeedToBreathe fans are very dedicated. One Ohio resident flew to South Carolina for the Charleston show. When it was canceled due to severe weather he rented a car, bought tickets for front row seats online, and drove five hours to see the show the next night in Georgia.

Selah member Todd Smith has a first world problem. He posted: Just got stuck behind a lady writing a check at the cash register.

Fun fact no.234 from We Are Worship UK: Hillsong United is not a football team (also known as soccer in the states). The organization says it’s a true story. It might have something to do with that fact that the professional team in Manchester, England is named Manchester United.

This time it was Building 429 guitarist Jesse Garcia who was waiting in line. One TSA agent posted: “Omg, I’ve never met you guys cuz there are always huge lines at your shows; but today you guys had a huge line to come meet me.”

NeedtoBreathe members Bear and Bo recently sat down with Fuse TV to talk about how the band’s latest CD, Hard Love, came to be. Watch the interview as the two brothers detail the unusual process for how the ambitious record came together. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMY5O0PBtgA

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bars Have Parking Lots”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Johnny Roberts, “Football Widow”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita met a group of alligators that sang wonderfully together – and they helped her realize that doing a solo is great once in a while, but not all of the time. And it looks like all the other animals heard the alligators singing too…

CLOSE: Now THAT is a harmonious ending! Tune in again next time, for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 27/28

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins were running away, terrified of The Plaid Guy! Marvy was running so hard and was so scared that he even dropped his teddy-bear – but then he fell down, and before he could get up, the Plaid Guy was right on top of him!

CLOSE: Well… it’s good to know that The Plaid Guy is actually a friendly guy… but you have to wonder… living alone all these years, how good can his seven cup salad really be? We’ll find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Do we really have to remind you why it’s not a good idea to smoke while you’re pumping gasoline?

At a Race Trac station near the University of Central Florida, a woman was injured after starting a fire because she was smoking a cigarette as she filled her car with gas. Flames burned the gas pump and set her car on fire. Guess she didn’t see the signs that said “no smoking” next to the pump. Or maybe she just didn’t know gasoline was flammable. And get this — for some insane reason police said the woman would not be ticketed for the incident.  Maybe they thought she’d already been punished enough.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT YOUR MINISTER TO SAY WHILE VISITING YOU IN THE HOSPITAL

10. Out, Legion!

9. Am I too late?

8. Honestly, you make that oxygen mask look great!

7. I’d stay longer, but I have a funeral sermon to write!

6. So, do you think you can learn to play the piano with your feet? By Sunday?

5. The board was praying for you last night. They voted 5 to 3 for your recovery!

4. Sorry about that stepping on the air hose thing!

3. Let’s just look at these burns as an evangelistic tool!

2. Good News! The board just decided to rename the library in your name!

1. Rats! Why does everyone get to see Jesus before me!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Playing with helium can do more than mess with your voice – it can mess with your freedom and land you in jail!  The files of Law & Disorder are on the way!

FILE #1: Steven Stanberry liked to play around with explosives. He especially liked to fill garbage bags with helium and release them with burning fuses and explosives attached. When the fuse burned down the whole thing would explode in midair which Steven thought was very cool. Everything was fine until one of his floating bombs went astray. It floated three miles before coming to rest on the roof of the Los Angeles County sheriff’s station whereupon it exploded. No one was hurt but it angered the cops enough that, using wind patterns, they were able to trace the bomb back to Mr. Stanberry’s neighborhood where he was tracked down and arrested.

FILE #2: An armed robber in Durban, South Africa was caught when, after distracting a photo store manager by having the manager take his picture using a Polaroid camera so his buddies could rob the staff, took the photo from the camera, threw it to the floor and ran – believing that light would expose the film, apparently not aware that one of the cool things about Polaroid cameras is that the film develops before your very eyes, in broad daylight. Police were very happy to have a clear photo of the man they were looking for.

FILE #3: A convict in Newark, Delaware escaped one night from a Delaware jail – prompting police to contact local motels and hotels to warn them. Turns out the prisoner did, indeed, need a room for the night and entered a Travelodge motel. They required some sort of ID to give him a room… so he presented them with his prison ID. It was a very good ID though… the lodge knew exactly who he was.

STRANGE LAW: In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be arrested and sent to jail.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Something smelled rotten when Michael Hanczyk showed up in court to fight a drunken driving charge. Authorities say it was the booze on his breath.

A judge stopped a hearing and ordered the 42-year-old Hanczyk to take a field sobriety test after he and others said they smelled alcohol on Hanczyk’s breath.  “Everyone smelled him,” said district attorney Nancy Vernon.  A breath test indicated that Hanczyk had a blood alcohol content of 0.296 percent, more than three times the state’s legal limit. Hanczyk was charged with drunken driving after an accident in Henry Clay Township, near the West Virginia border. Police said Hanczyk suddenly stopped his car, setting off a chain-reaction crash with two other vehicles. After two troopers reported smelling alcohol on Hanczyk, he refused to take a field sobriety test but later agreed to take a blood test, which indicated he was drunk, authorities said.  But Hargrove sought to have the charge dismissed, saying police didn’t have probable cause to arrest Hanczyk because he was driving safely.  So he showed up in court to fight the drunk driving charge… but he showed up drunk in court.

PHONER PHUN

How much did you spend on back-to-school shopping this year?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who is described as a “cake not turned”?

ANSWER: Ephriam (Hosea 7:8)

QUESTION: Who heard the voice of Jesus many months after Jesus’ ascension to heaven?
ANSWER: Paul (Acts 9:4-5 = “He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?’ ‘Who are you, Lord? Saul asked. ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ he replied.”

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How far into pregnancy does an unborn baby begin to develop fingerprints?

ANSWER: At the age of eight weeks.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The “Gangsta” was the bully who terrorized Arnold on “Different Strokes”. (False, The Gooch)

2. Molly Ringwald was part of the original cast of “The Facts of Life” (True)

3. Mork from Ork was famous for the line “nanoo nanoo.” (True)

4. Webster called his adoptive parents Moo-Moo and Sap. (False, Ma’am and George)

5. On the TV show, “Dallas” Sue Ellen’s sister, Kristin, shot J.R. Ewing. (True)

6. On “Little House on the Prairie,” the original name for the school teacher was Miss Beatle. (True)

7. Braces go all the way back to the year 1920. (False, back to the time of the mummies. Some of them have been found with crude metal bands wrapped around their teeth)

8. Cosmopolitan magazine started in 1886. (True – but it was very different back then. It featured short stories by Teddy Roosevelt and Henry James.)

9. The three Ms in 3M stand for Mission Major Manufacturing. (False, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing)

10. The record for the biggest one-day rainfall was 74 inches. (True – set on Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean, on March 15, 1952, where 74 inches of rain fell in 24 hours.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Man Rides _________ From Minnesota To Wyoming!”  (MULE)

Rod Maday rode his mule into Gillette, Wyoming all the way from Boy River, Minnesota! The 1500 mile journey took six weeks and Rod says, “I’ve got the saddle sores to prove it.” He said he lost his driver’s license 10 years ago after he was accused in a hit-and-run, and was having a hard time finding work in Minnesota but heard that Wyoming had plenty of jobs that paid well.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A clerk in a department store had broken a long-standing sales record. “How did you do it?” his boss asked.

“Well,” the clerk said, “A customer came in and I sold him some fish hooks. ‘You’ll need a line for those hooks’ I said to him, and he bought some line. Then I told him, ‘You’ll want a rod to go with that line.’ So he bought the rod. So I said, ‘You ought to have a boat so you can use your rod in deep water,’ and the guy bought a boat. When I told him that he needed boat trailer, he said, ‘Well, I’ll take one of those, too.’ Finally, I said, ‘How are you going to pull that boat without a car?’ and guess what! He bought my car, too!”

The manager said, “But I assigned you to the greeting card department.”

The salesman said, “I know that. This guy came in for a get-well card for his girl friend, who had a broken hip. When I heard that I said to him, ‘You can’t go out with her for six weeks, so you might as well go fishing.'”

JOKE #2

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. 

Then the father and son attended church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. 

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, “PLAY BALL!!!”

JOKE #3

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? 
A: They all have phones.

Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? 
A: She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? 
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? 
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers? 
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? 
A: Quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? 
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 
A: Frostbite.

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? 
A: A pool table.

USELESS FACTS

What’s new? How about a giant omelet from emu eggs? Ann Merkel sells huge green emu eggs at her table at the Lawrence, Kan., Farmers’ Market. The eggs go for four bucks apiece.  They weigh up to two pounds and are the equivalent of about a dozen chicken eggs. She has eight pairs of breeding birds on her Sundance Emu Ranch. Her husband Bill is especially fond of scrambled Emu egg. But he tells the Journal-World newspaper one egg is enough for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  ***MARLAR: Or for me, a light breakfast… and maybe a muffin.

Some Maryland bird lovers are happy to see Grumpy. Grumpy is a mute swan who lives in a dog house by a Carroll County pond. The big bird is an unofficial mascot of the local Humane Society. But staffers were worried about Grumpy after he disappeared a month ago. This week, Grumpy returned, dirty but unharmed. Society Executive Director Nicky Ratliff says Grumpy swam across the pond when they called his name. The bird is called Grumpy because his former owner said he didn’t get along with the other swans.  ***MARLAR: If the swan is mute, shouldn’t it be named after Dopey?

FEATURED FUNNIES

BACON TREE
Back in the Wild West, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, “We’re lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?” “Vell,” the old Jewish man said, “I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”

“A bacon tree!!!!?” asked the wagon train leader.

“Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie.”
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. “So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.

“Oh, you know the Jewish folks–they don’t eat bacon.” So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. The wagon train leader was disheveled and wounded. The near-dead man starts shouting, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me.”

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, “oy, vait a minute, vait a minute.”
He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. “Oh mine Gott,” he said. “I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How dedicated of a son do YOU have?

A 32-year-old man in India is just over halfway through a 17-year pilgrimage carrying his elderly mother on his back from their home to a holy Hindu city for a festival. He walks a couple of miles every day and they rest in temples at night.  In a recent interview, he told the reporter that he doesn’t mind carrying his mother on his back instead of driving to the festival in a car.  ***MARLAR: However, he IS getting tired of her using his bald spot as a cup holder.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

People with character:
They walk with integrity.
They do what is right.
They tell the truth.
They don’t gossip.
They don’t mistreat people.
They side with those who are right.
They keep their word.
They lend money to those in need without interest.
They don’t take advantage of people for financial gain.

(Adapted from the Psalms)
Be a blessing, and let your character shine through in all that you do!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Society’s hatred for the Jews has always been inexplicable. The fact remains, however, that Satan knew salvation (Jesus) would come from the Jews, and thus he sought at every turn to destroy the Jewish people. The Jews’ worship of the true God and rejection of idolatry caused Mordecai to refuse to worship any human being (Esther 3:5). Satan is enraged at anyone who will not bow down and worship him. Haman’s well-conceived plot looked foolproof, but God had been engineering a rescue operation about which Haman knew nothing! Working her way up to the right hand of the king was a little orphan (Esther) who would ultimately be the tool of deliverance in the hand of God.
Satan’s best plans are always spoiled by a God who knows the end from the beginning and works to provide a “way out” before the “way in” even exists! “Let not those gloat over me who are my enemies without cause” (Psalm 35:19). Stand still and wait on God, for He has had the solution since before the problem was created.

LEFTOVERS

Can a roller coaster help you get pregnant?

Nayade Elbing thought she couldn’t have children, but found herself pregnant one week after she and her husband went for a ride on the Expedition GeForce, one of the world’s fastest roller coasters, at an amusement park in Germany. Her doctor thinks it was the G force of the roller coaster ride that helped her get pregnant.  ***MARLAR: Especially since the baby was born screaming with its hands in the air.

LIFE… LIVE IT

SURE-FIRE TIPS FOR SMOOTHER SCHOOL DAYS

  • Start Your Day the Night Before. Prepare snacks and clothes and solidify the next day’s plan at night. Fill your child’s backpack with the things that he may need for school or for an after-school play date.

  • Wake Up Earlier. Give yourself and your child extra time in the morning — even 15 minutes will help. Try using an alarm clock that plays soothing nature sounds or happy music to make wake-up time more fun.

  • Send Only Teacher-Approved Items to School. Talk to your child’s teacher about classroom rules before sending in anything. Most teachers do not want children bringing in valuable items or toys that encourage aggressive play but will likely encourage a favorite book or photograph.

  • Create a Special Drop-Off Ritual. Come up with a memorable, loving way to say goodbye — a lipstick kiss on the hand, a secret handshake, or a special phrase that you create with your child.

  • Set Aside After-School Downtime. Some children experience a “meltdown” at the end of the day. To avoid this, try to build in some time to unwind after school. Allow your child to visit the playground, spend time alone curled up with a book, or engage in quiet activities such as painting, building with blocks, or solitary imaginative play.

  • Make Dinnertime Family Time. Whenever possible, eat together as a family. Kids benefit from spontaneous dinner-table conversations. Ask your child to tell you about his day and share interesting things that happened to you. He will feel more “grown up” when he is included in this sort of conversation.

  • Follow the School’s Rules. Teachers count on families to support the classroom rules and routines — such as sick-child policies, authorized escorts, and arriving on time.

  • Give Your Child Undivided Attention. Set aside time each day just to be with your child — even if it’s just 20 minutes — and allow no interruptions. Follow his lead and take time to observe his interests and enter his world. You will learn a lot about your child, and he will be thrilled to have this time with you.

JUST FOR FUN

SMART CAR

Talking to your car can be seen as a bit odd, but soon it could be norm… and your car will talk back!

Honda, with help from partner IBM Corp., is preparing to introduce an improved speech-recognition system that will allow drivers to get voice navigation guidance without having to manually punch in any information or take their eyes off the road to read a computer screen.  Using embedded IBM software, the system can provide voice guidance for more than 1.7 million street and city names in the continental United States. It also offers audible directions – and even reviews – to nearby restaurants, and command-and-control capabilities for audio, climate control and other functions.  The new system will come as standard equipment in many vehicles in the future. ***MARLAR: Are guys really going to be okay with a car computer that acts like a wife?  “You’re going to fast”, “Stop tailgating this woman”, “You just ran a red light, you goober…”

FUN LIST

RECENT CLASSIFIED ADS

The following were taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

  • Amana washer $100. owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed

  • Free puppies…part German shepherd – part dog

  • 83 Toyota Hunchback — $2000

  • German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

  • Shakespeare’s pizza – free chopsticks

  • Hummels – largest selection ever “If it’s in stock, we have it!”

  • Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.

  • American flag 60 stars – pole included $100

  • Notice: To the person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near Southridge Storage: Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

LOOK OUT

The day may come when everyone sees not only 20/20, but possibly 20/10 – the limit on our vision!  And that could become the norm for the world! 

The eyeglasses of the future will not only be able to restore your vision, but also might be able to make your vision superior to the average person. David Williams, a vision scientist at the University of Rochester, New York, says that glasses of the future will give people super vision. Using technology similar to astronomy telescopes, these new glasses will create super sharp images. The wearer will approach the theoretical limit of 20/10 vision, where you can see from 20 feet away what the average person can see at 10 feet.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

How strong is your marriage? Do you have what it takes to thrive? Focus on the Family is offering a free Focus on Marriage Assessment and find out. The assessment evaluates the strengths of 12 essential traits in your marriage and helps identify areas in your relationship that are working well, as well as areas that could use improvement. Check out the free marriage assessment at  http://ow.ly/cQTZ303f54w.

The Chronicles of Narnia films are getting a reboot. The new installment of the big-screen adaptations of the Chronicles of Narnia franchise might look a lot different from the early Disney-influenced films. The adaptations of C.S. Lewis’ classic fantasy novels first kicked off in 2005, with Disney version of The Lion, The Witch, And the Wardrobe and Prince Caspian. In 2010, Fox co-produced The Voyage of Dawn Treader. Now, TriStar studios is taking the reigns for The Silver Chair. Producers say the new movies will be a “brand-new franchise” with “different directors, and an entire new team.” http://relm.ag/VrZTBkH

20 years of mobile apps have completely changed the look of your desk. A recent video highlights the change from a desk top covered with everything from reference books and a rolodex to simply a computer and smart phone. Check out the video and see just how much has changed!  http://twitter.com/ValaAfshar/status/715544871721902080/photo/1

China may be hostile to the Christian faith but that isn’t stopping Christian radio. Far East Broadcasting is one signal broadcasting into the communist country. According to the National Religious Broadcasters, in 2015 alone, the ministry received 900,000 letters from China in response to their Christian radio programming.  Keep Far East Broadcasting in your prayers – they are doing mighty things for God through this antiquated thing called radio!

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.” –Milton Berle

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 26, 2016…

Blood Father—Mel Gibson is back in action in this thriller about a man trying to rescue his kidnapped family. Other stars include Diego Luna, William H. Macy and Thomas Mann. “Blood Father” is rated R. No rating.

Don’t Breathe—When teens get restless, they sometimes get into trouble.  Such is the premise of this film starring Jane Levy. A group decides to break into the house of a blind man, but meet with surprises.  Also in the cast is Stephan Lang. “Don’t Breathe” is rated R. No rating.

Hands Of Stone—Edgar Ramirez takes on the role of the fighter Roberto Duran in this biopic. Robert De Niro is Duran’s coach. Fighting your way up the ranks is sometimes a brutal business. “Hands Of Stone” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the sport.

Mechanic: Resurrection–Can you keep a good movie title down?  No, not when Jason Statham is involved.  Here he is back in action and trying  to rescue his girlfriend. Jessica Alba is also in the cast. “Mechanic: Resurrection” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Hollars—John Krasinski (“The Office”) writes and directs this film about a man going to visit his family and finding they are still as dysfunctional as usual. The cast includes Sharito Copley, Anna Kendrick and Charlie Day. “The Hollars” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 02, 2016…

Equity (opening from an earlier date) stars Anna Gunn as a business woman fighting the Glass Ceiling.

The 9th Life Of Louis Drax is a thriller about a child who keeps having accidents and the doctor who tries to help him.  Stars Jamie Dorman and Aiden Longworth.

The Light Between Oceans from M. L. Stedman’s novel, nas Michael Fassbinder as a man in Australia who adopts a baby he found.

Morgan is a science fiction film about making a decision to keep an artificial life form or not. Stars Kate Mara.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.