August 29, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160829

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The management of this station is not responsible for any loss of dignity suffered while listening to today’s (JOCK SHOW).

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.” –Philippians 4:6-7

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! — 2 Corinthians 5:17

Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: To believe in the one he has sent.” — John 6:29

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” — John 6:68

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not bring a detestable thing into your house or you, like it, will be set apart for destruction. Utterly abhor and detest it, for it is set apart for destruction. — Deuteronomy 7:26

Thought: A little corruption, a little poison, and a little rotten are all oxymorons. God has made us pure and perfect in Jesus. Why would we want to stain his perfection with what is evil? Our Father wants us to dedicate ourselves to Him, and to living as his holy people (Rom. 12:1-2; 1 Pet. 1:13-16).

Prayer: Holy and Righteous God, please empower me to resist temptation and to run away from sin. Give me a more passionate desire to cherish and protect the purity you have given me by the sacrifice of Jesus. Give me a holy revulsion to evil and wickedness. Draw my heart closer to your own and give me a passion for your holiness. Thank you for making me holy and precious in your sight. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:29 NIV = For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son…

TODAY IS MONDAY – AUGUST 29, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
23 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

In the first movie THE TERMINATOR, today is the anniversary of Judgment Day (August 29, 1997). ***MARLAR: Then there’s this book called the Bible, and it says that no one knows when Judgment Day truly is. You be the judge. Figuratively, of course.

Today is INTERNATIONAL SING-OUT DAY, a day to break out in song like they do in the musicals.

(To the melody of “America” from West Side Story)

(JOCK) is live on the radio,

Not with his wife on the radio.

He’s taking five from the radio,

But he’ll be back live on the radio.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

According To Hoyle Day

Individual Rights Day

International Day Against Nuclear Tests

More Herbs, Less Salt Day

National Sarcoidosis Day

National Whiskey Sour Day

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30

International Cabernet Sauvignon Day

International Day of The Victims of Enforced Disappearances

International Whale Shark Day

National Grief Awareness Day

National Holistic Pet Day

National Toasted Marshmallow Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31

International Overdose Awareness Day

Love Litigating Lawyers Day

National Matchmaker Day

Tug-of-War Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01

Building And Code Staff Appreciation Day

Calendar Adjustment Day

Chicken Boy’s Day

Emma M. Nutt Day

National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day

Random Acts of Kindness Day

Save Japan’s Dolphins Day

Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 02

Bison-ten Yell Day

V-J Day

Bring Your Manners To Work Day

Cow Chip Throwing Days begin

Hug Your Boss Day

National College Colors Day

National Lazy Moms Day

National No Patrick Day

Sand Sculpting Days begin

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 03

Bacon Day

Franchise Appreciation Day

National Buffalo Chicken Wings Days begin

National Tailgating Day

National Writing Date Day

Penny Press Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 04

National Wildlife Day

Newspaper Carrier Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 05

Be Late For Something Day

Great Bathtub Race

International Day of Charity

Jury Rights Day

Labor Day

ON THIS DAY

1533: The last Incan King of Peru, Atahualpa, was murdered on orders from Spanish conqueror Francisco Pizarro. The Inca Empire died with him.

1958: 15-year-old George Harrison joined John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and Ken Brown in the group, the Quarrymen, to perform at Liverpool’s Casbah Coffee Club. The Beatles’ final public concert would come eight years later to the day in San Francisco.

1964: Monument Records released “Oh, Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison.

1967: Seventy-two percent of American TV viewers watched Dr. Richard Kimbal catch up with the one-armed man on “The Fugitive.” It was a record that stood until 76% found out who shot J.R. on November 21, 1980.

1973: Judge John Sirica ordered President Nixon to turn over secret Watergate tapes. Nixon refused and appealed the order.

1977: Memphis police caught three body snatchers trying to steal Elvis, just a week and a half after his burial. As a result, Vernon Presley had his son’s and wife’s bodies moved from Forest Hill cemetery to the grounds at Graceland. ***MARLAR: Wait a minute… Elvis is dead?!?!? When did THAT happen?!?!

1987: Academy Award winning actor Lee Marvin died in Tucson at age 63.

1990: Sandy the dog, who starred for six years on Broadway in “Annie,” died in his sleep at age 16. That’s 112 in dog years.

1990: Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, in a television interview, declared that America could not defeat Iraq.

1993: In Dallas 15-year-old Erika Olivares fulfilled her dream. She married Juaquin Valdez, waltzed in a white dress with her father, and tossed her bridal bouquet. In the final stages of leukemia, she died the next day.

1996: Isaac Hayes, who co-wrote the Stax classic “Soul Man,” sent a protest letter to presidential candidate Bob Dole requesting Dole stop using his song, which his supporters had changed to “I’m A Dole Man.”

1999: Thieves in Melbourne, Australia, stole a truck loaded with toilet paper. Street value: $18,900.

2002: A Slovakian motorist who blew up his car and a gas station when he used a cigarette lighter to look into his gas tank was charged with endangering public safety. The 30 year-old man said his fuel gauge had broken. The lighter flame ignited the tank and the fire demolished much of the small gas station in the west Slovak town of Horna Streda.

2005: The average U.S. pump price for a gallon of regular gasoline rose to a record $2.60.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

29: Since the fifth century, tradition has this as the date for the beheading of John the Baptist.

70: Romans burn the gates, enter the Temple courtyards of Jerusalem, and destroy the temple by fire. Within a month, Jewish resistance ends.

1632: John Locke, English philosopher and author of The Reasonableness of Christianity, is born. He emphasized reason over the supernatural and argued that the essence of Christianity acknowledges Christ as the Messiah who came to our world primarily to spread the true knowledge of God.

1792: Charles Grandison Finney, the father of modern revivalism, is born in Warren, Connecticut. The Old School Presbyterians resented Finney’s modifications to Calvinist theology. The revivalistic Congregationalists, led by Lyman Beecher, feared that Finney was opening the door to fanaticism by allowing too much expression of human emotion. Others criticized his “scare tactics.” Nevertheless, Finney paved the way for later mass-evangelists like Dwight L. Moody, Billy Sunday, and Billy Graham.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, Risky Business, Guilty as Sin) Rebecca De Mornay, 57

  • Actor (Shall We Dance, Chicago, The Mothman Prophecies, Pretty Woman, An Officer And A Gentleman) Richard Gere, 67

  • TV host (“Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”, Campbell’s Soup pitch man) Robin Leach 75

  • Actor (M*A*S*H the movie) Elliott Gould, 78

  • Arizona Senator/former U.S. Presidential Candidate John McCain, 80

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1920 : Charlie “Bird” Parker

1924 : Dinah Washington

1942 : Sterling Morrison (The Velvet Underground)

1943 : Dick Halligan (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1945 : Chris Copping (Procol Harum)

1953 : Rick Downey (Blue Oyster Cult)

1958 : Michael Jackson

1969 : Me’Shell NdegéOcello

1970 : Carl Martin (Shai)

1975 : Kyle Cook (Matchbox Twenty)

1980 : David Desrosiers (Simple Plan)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we call a problem with a torn cuticle a “hangnail?”

By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that a hangnail has something to do with capital punishment for nails. First, we need to tell you what a cuticle is. The cuticle is the hardened skin at the base of a nail and it’s that, not the nail itself, that’s torn. In Anglo-Saxon England, a corn on the toe was called an “agnail.” They derived that word from “ang,” meaning “ouch, it hurts,” and naegl, the head of a nail, because a corn looked like the head of a different kind of nail… the kind you drive into wood with a hammer. The toe and finger problems seemed similar, and the two kinds of “nails” at least sounded identical. So you shift the anatomy, make a pun and add an “h” and you have the hangnail. And it still hurts.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Another Video Journal from Tenth Avenue North. The topic of the Overflow Devotional is Not Living For God. It’s an interesting concept from front man Mike Donehey. Check out his thoughts at https://youtu.be/ZclzjjRYcng.

Members of Relient K and Switchfoot front man Jon Foreman recently sat down to talk with CCM Magazine. Switchfoot is just out with a new album titled “Where The Light Shines Through” and Relient K this summer released their latest project “Air For Free.” Relient K will also join Switchfoot this fall on the “Looking For America Tour.” Check out their interview at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2vwmp8JPLQ.

Brandon Heath has released another pumpkin update and the results are good. He shared a picture of his back yard pumpkin patch this week and is sounds like pumpkin pie is in his future. He said: Looking good so far! Not thinking of taking up farming quite yet, but… https://www.instagram.com/p/BJiQxZ-Bptc/

The members of Sanctus Real hope their music might carry some weight with the leadership at Southwest Air. They posted an open twitter to the airlines asking: Can you please hold flight #2453 out of Tulsa today just long enough for us to connect from DTW? We’ll sing you a song.  (No word on whether their plea was successful.)

Jamie Grace and her sister Morgan are encouraging those who follow them on social media to stand up for their faith. A fan of the sisters posted: There’s always those people that tell me it’s dumb to pray in public or at all. Then there’s Jamie and Morgan who motivate me.

The lead singer of Casting Crowns is speaking out about his cancer diagnosis and the important lesson he learned about God during the ordeal. According to CBN, front man Mark Hall told “The Church Boys” podcast: “I went to the doctor to be checked for acid reflux. He was just doing a scan to see if I had ulcers and saw a tumor in my kidney.” Mark said “When you’re the youth pastor, you’re the guy who helps everybody else through their storm, and now, suddenly, I’m in the middle of my own.” However, his faith in Jesus Christ sustained him. The singer and pastor now hopes his story and music will encourage people to remember the message that he held onto during the storm: “God is who He says He is—and we can trust Him.” https://shar.es/1wqcd8

Aaron Shust says We need more than just coffee. He was discussing Matthew 24:42 with a friend this week and posted a portion of their conversation. Aaron said: Jesus tells us to “STAY AWAKE, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming!” Abide with Him, walk with Him. “You cannot expect to find interior nourishment if you live only for what is exterior” (Fenelon).

Jonny Diaz says life just got a little more interesting. He posted: Uh Oh… We can now reach door knobs! Attached was a picture of his 18 month old daughter attempting to make her escape.

Even Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey says it’s a little to early for fall. He posted: You’ll be hard pressed to find someone that loves October more than me: chilly air, changing leaves, pumpkin everything. But come on Kroger! It’s August and 95 degrees. He posted a picture of the store shelves full of fall items.

Casting Crowns is teaming up with Convoy of Hope to give lifesaving supplies to those affected by the Louisiana flooding. Mark recording a video this week encouraging everyone to Text NEXT to 50555 to donate $10. Mark added: We encourage you to do The Very Next Thing and help provide hope to flood survivors in Louisiana.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgV2y0Oaa8I&feature=youtu.be

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

There’s been no shortage of Pokémon Go related spam since the app launched in July.  Thousands of potential Pokémon Go players in North America were recently targeted by a text messaging campaign pushing a malicious web address. *** But once they saw the web page’s header, “Hillary 2016”, most people were smart enough to know it was a malicious website.

In Germany, cops got their car got stuck on a narrow path while pursuing a moped-riding suspect. Rather than give up, one of the officers jumped on a child’s bike and successfully chased down and arrested the man.  *** You couldn’t outrun a cop on a bike with a banana seat… living with that fact is probably punishment enough.

About 33% of Americans say they’ve had a “religious or mystical experience.”  *** But then, that includes people seeing the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich, and a Doritos chip vaguely resembling Jesus.

Ford Motor Company has plans to deploy a fully autonomous and driverless ride-hailing car by 2021.  *** As if hailing a LYFT this way won’t go UBER wrong.

New research suggests that when you’re using a public restroom you should avoid the middle stalls at all costs. The research finds that, given several equal stall options, people tend to choose the middle one. Psychologists call this “centrality preference.” That means that most people who entered the bathroom before you probably went for the center stalls and avoided the sides.  *** Personally, I usually just pick the stall that doesn’t need flushing in order to sit down.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The number of words is growing. According to a report in Science magazine, the number of words in the English language has nearly doubled in the past 100 years. Officials say there were 544,000 documented words in 1900. By the year 2000 that total had grown to just over 1-million words.  ***Over half of which are colorful euphemisms not allowed to be said or heard by minors.

Need your children to have a little more get up and go?  A recent study suggests that a furry, four-pawed best friend could be the key to getting your kid off the couch and away from the TV screen.  Teens from dog-owning families get about 15 more minutes a week of moderate to vigorous physical activity than teens who don’t have any pets, the study said. ***MARLAR: Mostly because it’s the teenagers forced to take the dog out to do its doodie.

Everyone could use a little help keeping those New Year’s resolutions to slim down. But if it means the government limiting junk food, the response is an overwhelming, “No.”  Americans call obesity a national health crisis and blame too much screen time and cheap fast food for fueling it. But a new poll finds people are split on how much the government should do to help – and most draw the line at attempts to force healthier eating.  ***MARLAR: The definition of Communism is “cupcake police”.

Astronauts have a down-to-Earth problem that could be even worse on a long trip to Mars: They can’t get enough sleep. And over time, the lack of slumber can turn intrepid space travelers into drowsy couch potatoes, a new study shows.  In a novel experiment, six volunteers were confined in a cramped mock spaceship in Moscow to simulate a 17-month voyage. It made most of the would-be spacemen lethargic, much like birds and bears heading into winter, gearing up for hibernation.  The men went into a prolonged funk. ***MARLAR: Well of course they did – in space you don’t have Netflix and Facebook!

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bars Have Parking Lots”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Johnny Roberts, “Football Widow”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita met a group of alligators that sang wonderfully together – and they helped her realize that doing a solo is great once in a while, but not all of the time. And it looks like all the other animals heard the alligators singing too…

CLOSE: Now THAT is a harmonious ending! Tune in again next time, for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 03/04

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, we discovered that the Plaid Guy – who all of the Razzleflabbins were terrified of, was actually not a bad guy at all… he was just different! They’ve all made friends now, and he’s even been invited to the Razzleflabbin Barbecue!

CLOSE: Sounds like everyone is having a great time with their new friend, the Plaid Guy… but what about Marvy? He’s still stranded on Razzleflabbin Island! Will he ever get home? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

So, what happens if you ignore that warning label on spray paint that says “do not use near flame”?

A 15-year-old boy from Hunterdon County, New Jersey, wanted to know what would happen if you tossed a can of aerosol spray paint into a fire. However, instead of asking someone or even looking it up on the Internet, he decided to see for himself. Just so you know; the answer is that it will explode and give you second-degree burns if you stand too close, which he did.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU MUST DO BEFORE THE END OF SUMMER

10. Touch up your temporary tattoos.

9. Earn your degree in Piratology.

8. Spend every spare minute in the back yard trying to your money’s worth out of that swimming pool.

7. Re-grow all your hair… you know, after that incident with the BBQ grill.

6. Locate the lawnmower where it ran out of gas in the back yard; It would rust badly if you wait till spring.

5. Write your kid’s book report to clear that incomplete.

4. Remove Christmas decorations from roof. See also: Things To Do Before End of Spring and Things To Do Before End of Winter.

3. Find out which camp you dropped your kids at and hopefully pick them up.

2. Insulate the dog house in case you’re exiled there this winter.

1. Go back to the beach and unbury the kids from the sand sculpture you made back in July.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you tell a police officer that you’re a police officer yourself, it’s usually best to be able to back that up with some proof.

FILE #1: In Jackson, Mississippi, Ronald Simington was pulled over by the cops after a traffic accident. He offered up the excuse that he was a state trooper and was pursuing another suspect when the accident occurred. OK, said the officer, if you’re really a cop, then this must be your patrol car. Please turn on your lights and siren. So Ronnie reached toward the dash and threw an imaginary switch. Unfortunately, the imaginary lights and siren didn’t come on. He’s been sent to a not-so-imaginary jail.

FILE #2: One thing you have to say about 26-year-old Robert Lloyd Finder of North Bend, Oregon — he’s got guts — or maybe just no brains — not sure which so we’ll go with guts. Much to the embarrassment of North Bend police, he allegedly robbed a police station stealing a radio, two stun guns and a Crown Victoria patrol car. To the police department’s credit, they did make a quick arrest and caught him the next day trying to sell the stun guns. But Police Chief Steve Scibelli said, “I’m so upset about it, I can’t even find any humor in it. It’s pretty embarrassing.” Finder is now facing just about every charge the police could think up: burglary, possession of burglary tools, theft, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, unlawful entry into a motor vehicle, criminal mischief, criminal trespass, tampering with physical evidence and reckless driving. The burglary occurred when all the officers left a section of the building to respond to an assault call. Finder later told investigators he was walking near the station and noticed most of the police cars were gone. Chief Scibelli said, “He just wanted to see if he could pull this off. High risk, low reward. We were absolutely amazed that someone would have the nerve to do this.”

FILE #3: Police in Bakersfield, California, feared that a package in a parking lot was a bomb after they were alerted about a suspicious, unattended bag left in the lot. Police kept an eye on the bag for two hours. The area was evacuated and firefighters were put on alert until a bomb squad officer in protective gear crept up to the package and tore it open. And what was in the bag? Cookies.

STRANGE LAW: I know this law in Nevada is somewhat outdated. The law requires anyone walking on any street in Nevada to wear a mask. Just think how hard it would be to enforce this law in Las Vegas. Thousands of people would have to be arrested everyday. Just try putting on a mask and walking by a hotel/casino! You might be surprised how fast you get a response from security. But, I guess you could tell them you were only observing the law.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, Justin Alexander was having a big fight with his girlfriend. We don’t know what his plans were, but he laced her drink with a knockout drug. But when he brought the drinks out, he forgot which one was laced and which one wasn’t.  Of course, he drank the wrong one. He collapsed and hit his head on the coffee table moments after announcing to her that he had drugged her drink. He’s under arrest.

PHONER PHUN

What movie lines are constantly heard and said in conversation now, the witty lines that have impressed society’s funny bone and made an indention in our brains?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: When the foundation for the second temple was laid, the priest played trumpets. What did the Levites play?
ANSWER: Cymbals (Nehemiah 12:35-36)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many minutes on average do you spend at the office each day managing email?

ANSWER: 49 minutes per day (and 34% of the internal e-mail people get is considered “unnecessary.”)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Men can read smaller print than women. (True)

2. The footprints left by astronauts on the Moon will last about 100 years. (False – 10 million years)

3. The Atlantic Ocean is saltier then the Pacific Ocean. (True)

4. In India, there are 3.5 private telephones for every 100 people. (True)

5. Before Mickey Mouse, Felix the Cat was the most popular cartoon character. (True)

6. The Pentagon was allowed to choose some of the clothes that John Travolta wore in the movie “Broken Arrow” so that the military would be portrayed positively. (True)

7. The volume of water in the Mississippi River is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined. (False – the Amazon River)

8. North America produces two-thirds of the world’s gold. (False – South Africa)

9. The word “Checkmate” in chess means, “The King is Dead.” (True. It comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat”, which means “the king is dead”)

10. Only one person in a million will live to be 116 or older. (False – one in two billion!)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ELEVENTH _______ FOUND ON MOUNT SINAI! (COMMANDMENT)

An archaeologist has found a portion of a stone table engraved 3,000 years ago with an eleventh Commandment!

Oxford University professor Rupert Catchpole, 45, made the Earth-shattering find while heading up an excavation near the summit of the famous mountain where tradition says the Ten Commandments were given to Moses by God.

The biblical hero, famously played by Charlton Heston in the film The Ten commandments is said to have brought the list of divinely dictated rules to his people on stone tablets.

And in Exodus 32:19, when he catches the Israelites worshiping the golden calf, he’s said to have broken the tablets in frustration.

“The thing with stone is that it’s often brittle,” says Catchpole.  ”When it breaks, pieces scatter in t every direction.

“In the heat of the moment, Moses may have broken off the eleventh Commandment and either didn’t realize it, or he was just too tired to remember it when he engraved the new tablets for the Israelites after they repented. Who knows?”

The portion of stone is about 132 inches wide and 3 inches tall.  Hebrew writing is engraved across it.

“It’s clearly a part of a larger piece,” says the professor.  ”The bottom edge is smooth and bordered with a very ornate design – it’s incredible workmanship.  The top edge is jagged, so it’s easy to surmise that the piece broke off the bottom of a larger table.”

But what does the Commandment actually say?

“This is the difficult bit,” says Catchpole.  ”It appears to read, ‘Thous shalt not spend all day on the Internet.”  It seems absurd and for many years nobody knew what it meant.  But now it is clear.

God must obviously knew that the Internet was coming and that it would be challenge to man’s willpower and morale.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Morris bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, “Free to good home, you want it — you take it”.

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. Eventually, Morris decided that people were too untrusting of the deal, that it looked “too good to be true”.

So he changed the sign to read “Fridge for sale — $150”.

The next day someone stole it.

JOKE #2

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.

“I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” he explained. “Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time.”

The operator giggled, “That’s really funny,” she said. “All this time we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle.

JOKE #3

The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.

”Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup – aren’t they foreign objects?”

She scrutinized his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here.”

USELESS FACTS

An auto insurance company says eating while driving is the cause of many car crashes. ***MARLAR: Especially in oriental areas where drivers are using chopsticks.

How is this for irony — the winner of a contest to find the most accident-prone person in an English town slipped, fell down and was badly bruised as she left her home to go to the award ceremony.  ***MARLAR: Enough already! You won the award!

FEATURED FUNNIES

NAIL BITER

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. “No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

SPEED DEMON

Sometimes, even an entire city government gets what they deserve.

…take for example, Kendleton, Texas. They thought of this great way to get other people to pay for the city’s municipal budget. Beginning in 1990, the city became a 24-hour speed trap so it could collect tons of money from speeding tickets. One problem though… the city of Kendleton didn’t realize that the state of Texas has a law against that exact kind of thing. Why? Because Texas didn’t want cities to become predators which, ironically, is exactly what Kendleton, Texas became! So the town has now discovered that they owe the entire state of Texas $1.7-million in unpaid speeding ticket debts. The result is that the state has taken every last cent from their bank accounts and the city has been forced into bankruptcy.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

FROM YOUR LIPS TO GOD’S EARS

by Joyce Williams
After 26 years of marriage, my husband said it was over and moved out of the house where we lived with our daughter. I tried to go on with my routine. Like the meeting I was supposed to attend, three hours away. I wouldn’t cancel.
“Will you take me to my friends on your way out of town?” my daughter asked. She was leaving the country on a church trip. I dropped her off and headed on to my meeting.
For the day, at least, it took my mind off things. Afterward, I got in my car, turned on the radio and started for home. I’m going to spend tonight alone. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks. My house was in the woods, without a neighbor in sight.
I clutched the wheel and tried to concentrate on the song playing. Darkness was falling. The music ended and I reached to change the radio station. The announcer’s voice stopped me. “Someone out there needs to hear this,” he said. He read from Job. “You will be secure. You will take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid.”
My grip relaxed on the wheel. My anxieties floated away. By the time I drove up our tree-lined lane, it was dusk. I parked and stepped out into the night air. I unlocked the front door, went into my room and got ready for bed. I sank under the covers and slept soundly. I wasn’t afraid. I was secure. Because God was in this house.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

SWEET COMPANY

Read: John 14:15-26

The Spirit of truth . . . dwells with you and will be in you. —John 14:17

The elderly woman in the nursing home didn’t speak to anyone or request anything. It seemed she merely existed, rocking in her creaky old chair. She didn’t have many visitors, so one young nurse would often go into her room on her breaks. Without asking the woman questions to try to get her to talk, she simply pulled up another chair and rocked with her. After several months, the elderly woman said to her, “Thank you for rocking with me.” She was grateful for the companionship.

Before He went back to heaven, Jesus promised to send a constant companion to His disciples. He told them He would not leave them alone but would send the Holy Spirit to be in them (John 14:17). That promise is still true for believers in Jesus today. Jesus said that the triune God makes His “home” in us (v.23).

The Lord is our close and faithful companion throughout our entire life. Recording artist Scott Krippayne expresses this truth in song: “In my deepest night He is the guiding star; in my sinfulness He is the forgiving heart; a willing ear for each silent prayer, a shoulder for burdens I cannot bear. Sweet company from now through all eternity.”

We can enjoy His sweet company today. —Anne Cetas

In my bed of thorns, He is the fragrant rose;
In my wilderness, He’s the stream that flows;
A shelter built with loving grace,
His refuge shall be my dwelling place. —Krippayne
© 2002, New Spring Publishing, Inc./Chips and Salsa Songs

The Christian’s heart is the Holy Spirit’s home.

LEFTOVERS

We get hot, we get cranky and many times, we squabble – sometimes over minor matters like what kind of brats we should throw on the grill for our next get together.  Now researchers have discovered that chilling out – literally, like with a cold glass of ice water – may be the key to coming around to someone else’s point of view.  A  study published in this month’s issue of the Dutch psychological journal Acta Psychologica examined the ability of temperature to influence a person’s tendency to take another’s perspective. Cooler temperatures, the study suggests, make us more vulnerable to such influences. 

LIFE… LIVE IT

If you’re feeling bummed out, then work out!

According to a new report, exercise increases the production of a chemical in the brain that has shown to have antidepressant effects in mice. Previous studies have found that exercise can help ease depression symptoms, but the new study found that after mice had a week’s worth of workouts on a running wheel, they showed altered activity in a total of 33 genes, the majority of which had never been identified before. They say the research could lead to new methods of treating depression.  ***MARLAR: For example, if you’re depressed, tell your spouse to get out of the house and go work out.

JUST FOR FUN

FASHION SENSE

Would you trust a computer to tell you if you’re dressing fashionably?  If not, don’t go shopping in Britain!

A The British company has developed a “smart” dressing room that tells clothes shoppers what not to wear. It uses 3D digital cameras in the dressing room to photograph your body and make precise measurements from more than 1,000 points. Then it suggests clothes that would be flattering for your body type. It even offers specific advice like “your bum looks too big in this,” or words to that effect. A spokesman said shoppers are free to ignore the advice if they want.  ***MARLAR: Or you can go with the cheaper version and just take your mother shopping with you.

FUN LIST

INTERESTING NAMES

  • One of the most popular soft drinks originated in Texas. Well, guess what, we have a physician in Austin, Texas whose name is the same as the soft drink’s name. She practices emergency medicine at one of the local hospitals and her name is Dr. Pepper.

  • There is a dentist named Dr. Smiley and also a plastic surgeon named Dr. Hacker. There was a doctor in town named Dr Goodenough.

  • Several years ago at the Bank in Wallowa County, Oregon, two of their employees were a Mr. Cheatum and a Mr. Steele.

  • We have a surgeon in town named Dr. Kutty.

  • In New Zealand a while ago the Minister of Mines was Mr Colman.

  • In the Philippines there is a Cardinal Sin.

  • There was an Anglican clergyman whom the authorities were reluctant to promote since he would become Canon Ball. Guess there was a real chance he would be fired!

  • A dentist in Ashburton, New Zealand was Mr Gummer.

  • In the Salvation Army in New Zealand there is (or was) a Major Major.

  • At Hinsdale Hospital in Hinsdale Illinois these doctors are on their staff . . .

  • An Orthopedic Surgeon . . . Dr. Orth.

  • A Family Practice Specialist . . . Dr. Butcher.

  • There was a ophthalmologist in Baltimore, MD named Dr. Glasser and a dentist in PA named Dr. Sugar. He had T-shirts and magnets made that said “Dr. Sugar is good for your teeth.”

  • A church pastor in Mountain View, CA is Pastor Church.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

If you’re working lots of overtime, you might want to rethink that plan, especially if you find you’re generally unhappy with life.

Men and women who regularly work more than 40 hours a week have a high risk for developing anxiety and depression, according to a new study published in the Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine. The rates were also higher among less-skilled workers and those with lower incomes. Specifically, the Norwegian study found that men who worked 40 hours a week or less had a 9% possible depression score.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A tiny black tablet could prove to be a very big deal from impoverished countries to the Pacific Crest Trail. Researchers at SLAC National Accelerator Laboratory and Stanford University have developed a tiny, Chiclet-sized device that uses solar energy to disinfect water. During lab experiments, the device killed 99.999 percent of bacteria present after just 20 minutes. Unlike boiling a pot of water which requires fuel or purifying water with an ultraviolet wand, which requires charging, the tiny tab needs only sunlight, and can be infinitely reused. Read more about this miracle of science at http://ow.ly/XS0o303gtu5.

A BP gas station sits less than 1,000 feet away from Smoke Rise Baptist Church in Georgia. Burglars forcefully entered the station and stole cash and various items and also damaged the store. The following week Reverend Chris George shared the situation as an example in his sermon and the congregation took the message to heart. After the morning service, members of the congregation filed into the BP station, filling up their tanks and buying snacks and goods from the store. More than 150 people showed up, packing up the parking lot until no more cars could enter. Throughout the week, more came. Station owners estimates probably more than 350 churchgoers passed through the station.  http://bit.ly/2aWnFkq

Whether or not you’re a fan of the Pope, you have to admire his ability to have fun – even in ministry.  Pope Francis this summer is treating dozens of Rome’s homeless to a day at the beach and dinner in a pizzeria on the way back. Yahoo news reports that the pontiff’s almsgiver daily drives a van with 10 people to a beach near Rome for a dip in the sea, sunbathing and then pizza. The Vatican supplies the swimsuits and beach towels. Many of the homeless live near Vatican City, where, at Francis’ direction, showers and barbers have been set up on the edge of St. Peter’s Square for their use. http://yhoo.it/2bq5P64

A Bible-era solution for saving food is making a comeback. In the book of Ruth the poor glean the fields, collecting any produce left after harvest was completed. Today, gleaning is experiencing a resurgence of interest. More than 400 food recovery organizations across the nation are saving many tons of food from being left to rot in farmers’ fields or sent to landfills. One such organization works with 16 farms in the Hudson Valley to collect their surplus fruits and vegetables — which would otherwise go to waste — and distribute them to food pantries, community organizations and other charities throughout the region. *** Amazingly, the day before I even read this article, my bride already did her own gleaning of sorts – she cleaned out our garden and donated almost all of it to the Rockford Rescue Mission – and they were thrilled to get it!  Maybe you can do the same with your overly abundant garden!  http://huff.to/2beo3tV

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I want the government to legislate a flyin’ car. Preferably one that runs on mild salsa, because hey, what else is that stuff good for? –Brian Jones

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 26, 2016…

Blood Father—Mel Gibson is back in action in this thriller about a man trying to rescue his kidnapped family. Other stars include Diego Luna, William H. Macy and Thomas Mann. “Blood Father” is rated R. No rating.

Don’t Breathe—When teens get restless, they sometimes get into trouble.  Such is the premise of this film starring Jane Levy. A group decides to break into the house of a blind man, but meet with surprises.  Also in the cast is Stephan Lang. “Don’t Breathe” is rated R. No rating.

Hands Of Stone—Edgar Ramirez takes on the role of the fighter Roberto Duran in this biopic. Robert De Niro is Duran’s coach. Fighting your way up the ranks is sometimes a brutal business. “Hands Of Stone” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the sport.

Mechanic: Resurrection–Can you keep a good movie title down?  No, not when Jason Statham is involved.  Here he is back in action and trying  to rescue his girlfriend. Jessica Alba is also in the cast. “Mechanic: Resurrection” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Hollars—John Krasinski (“The Office”) writes and directs this film about a man going to visit his family and finding they are still as dysfunctional as usual. The cast includes Sharito Copley, Anna Kendrick and Charlie Day. “The Hollars” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 02, 2016…

Equity (opening from an earlier date) stars Anna Gunn as a business woman fighting the Glass Ceiling.

The 9th Life Of Louis Drax is a thriller about a child who keeps having accidents and the doctor who tries to help him.  Stars Jamie Dorman and Aiden Longworth.

The Light Between Oceans from M. L. Stedman’s novel, nas Michael Fassbinder as a man in Australia who adopts a baby he found.

Morgan is a science fiction film about making a decision to keep an artificial life form or not. Stars Kate Mara.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.