August 29, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The management of this station is not responsible for any loss of dignity suffered while listening to today’s (JOCK SHOW).

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.” –Philippians 4:6-7

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! — 2 Corinthians 5:17

Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: To believe in the one he has sent.” — John 6:29

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” — John 6:68

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not bring a detestable thing into your house or you, like it, will be set apart for destruction. Utterly abhor and detest it, for it is set apart for destruction. — Deuteronomy 7:26

Thought: A little corruption, a little poison, and a little rotten are all oxymorons. God has made us pure and perfect in Jesus. Why would we want to stain his perfection with what is evil? Our Father wants us to dedicate ourselves to Him, and to living as his holy people (Rom. 12:1-2; 1 Pet. 1:13-16).

Prayer: Holy and Righteous God, please empower me to resist temptation and to run away from sin. Give me a more passionate desire to cherish and protect the purity you have given me by the sacrifice of Jesus. Give me a holy revulsion to evil and wickedness. Draw my heart closer to your own and give me a passion for your holiness. Thank you for making me holy and precious in your sight. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 8:29 NIV = For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son…

TODAY IS TUESDAY – AUGUST 29, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
117 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

In the first movie THE TERMINATOR, today is the anniversary of Judgment Day (August 29, 1997). ***Then there’s this book called the Bible, and it says that no one knows when Judgment Day truly is. You be the judge. Figuratively, of course.

Today is INTERNATIONAL SING-OUT DAY, a day to break out in song like they do in the musicals.

(To the melody of “America” from West Side Story)

(JOCK) is live on the radio,

Not with his wife on the radio.

He’s taking five from the radio,

But he’ll be back live on the radio.

TODAY IS ALSO…

According to Hoyle Day
Individual Rights Day
International Day Against Nuclear Tests
More Herbs, Less Salt Day
National Sarcoidosis Day
National Whiskey Sour Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30

International Cabernet Sauvignon Day
International Day of The Victims of Enforced Disappearances
International Whale Shark Day
National Grief Awareness Day
National Holistic Pet Day
National Toasted Marshmallow Day

Tug-of-War Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 31

International Overdose Awareness Day
Love Litigating Lawyers Day
National Diatomaceous Earth Day
National Matchmaker Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 01

Bring Your Manners To Work Day
Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day
Calendar Adjustment Day
Chicken Boy’s Day
Eid-Al-Adha
Emma M. Nutt Day
International Day of Awareness for the Dolphins of Taiji
National College Colors Day
National Lazy Mom’s Day
National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day
Random Acts of Kindness Day or Be Kind Day
Save Japan’s Dolphins Day
Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 02

Bacon Day
Bison-ten Yell Day
Cow Chip Throwing days
Franchise Appreciation Day
National Buffalo Chicken Wings Days
National No Patrick Day
National Tailgating Day
National Writing Date Day
V-J Day
World Beard Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 03

Bowling League Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 04

Labor Day
Great Bathtub Race
National Wildlife Day
Newspaper Carrier Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 05

Newspaper Carrier Day
Another Look Unlimited Day
Be Late For Something Day
International Day of Charity
Jury Rights Day

ON THIS DAY

1533: The last Incan King of Peru, Atahualpa, was murdered on orders from Spanish conqueror Francisco Pizarro. The Inca Empire died with him.

1958: 15-year-old George Harrison joined John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and Ken Brown in the group, the Quarrymen, to perform at Liverpool’s Casbah Coffee Club. The Beatles’ final public concert would come eight years later to the day in San Francisco.

1964: Monument Records released “Oh, Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison.

1967: Seventy-two percent of American TV viewers watched Dr. Richard Kimbal catch up with the one-armed man on “The Fugitive.” It was a record that stood until 76% found out who shot J.R. on November 21, 1980.

1973: Judge John Sirica ordered President Nixon to turn over secret Watergate tapes. Nixon refused and appealed the order.

1977: Memphis police caught three body snatchers trying to steal Elvis, just a week and a half after his burial. As a result, Vernon Presley had his son’s and wife’s bodies moved from Forest Hill cemetery to the grounds at Graceland. ***Wait a minute… Elvis is dead?!?!? When did THAT happen?!?!

1987: Academy Award winning actor Lee Marvin died in Tucson at age 63.

1990: Sandy the dog, who starred for six years on Broadway in “Annie,” died in his sleep at age 16. That’s 112 in dog years.

1990: Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, in a television interview, declared that America could not defeat Iraq.

1993: In Dallas 15-year-old Erika Olivares fulfilled her dream. She married Juaquin Valdez, waltzed in a white dress with her father, and tossed her bridal bouquet. In the final stages of leukemia, she died the next day.

1996: Isaac Hayes, who co-wrote the Stax classic “Soul Man,” sent a protest letter to presidential candidate Bob Dole requesting Dole stop using his song, which his supporters had changed to “I’m A Dole Man.”

1999: Thieves in Melbourne, Australia, stole a truck loaded with toilet paper. Street value: $18,900.

2002: A Slovakian motorist who blew up his car and a gas station when he used a cigarette lighter to look into his gas tank was charged with endangering public safety. The 30 year-old man said his fuel gauge had broken. The lighter flame ignited the tank and the fire demolished much of the small gas station in the west Slovak town of Horna Streda.

2005: The average U.S. pump price for a gallon of regular gasoline rose to a record $2.60.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

29: Since the fifth century, tradition has this as the date for the beheading of John the Baptist.

70: Romans burn the gates, enter the Temple courtyards of Jerusalem, and destroy the temple by fire. Within a month, Jewish resistance ends.

1632: John Locke, English philosopher and author of The Reasonableness of Christianity, is born. He emphasized reason over the supernatural and argued that the essence of Christianity acknowledges Christ as the Messiah who came to our world primarily to spread the true knowledge of God.

1792: Charles Grandison Finney, the father of modern revivalism, is born in Warren, Connecticut. The Old School Presbyterians resented Finney’s modifications to Calvinist theology. The revivalistic Congregationalists, led by Lyman Beecher, feared that Finney was opening the door to fanaticism by allowing too much expression of human emotion. Others criticized his “scare tactics.” Nevertheless, Finney paved the way for later mass-evangelists like Dwight L. Moody, Billy Sunday, and Billy Graham.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actress (The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, Risky Business, Guilty as Sin) Rebecca De Mornay, 58

  • Actor (Shall We Dance, Chicago, The Mothman Prophecies, Pretty Woman, An Officer And A Gentleman) Richard Gere, 68

  • TV host (“Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”, Campbell’s Soup pitch man) Robin Leach 76

  • Actor (M*A*S*H the movie) Elliott Gould, 79

  • Arizona Senator John McCain, 81

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1920 : Charlie “Bird” Parker

1924 : Dinah Washington

1942 : Sterling Morrison (The Velvet Underground)

1943 : Dick Halligan (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1945 : Chris Copping (Procol Harum)

1953 : Rick Downey (Blue Oyster Cult)

1958 : Michael Jackson

1969 : Me’Shell NdegéOcello

1970 : Carl Martin (Shai)

1975 : Kyle Cook (Matchbox Twenty)

1980 : David Desrosiers (Simple Plan)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call a problem with a torn cuticle a “hangnail?”

By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that a hangnail has something to do with capital punishment for nails. First, we need to tell you what a cuticle is. The cuticle is the hardened skin at the base of a nail and it’s that, not the nail itself, that’s torn. In Anglo-Saxon England, a corn on the toe was called an “agnail.” They derived that word from “ang,” meaning “ouch, it hurts,” and naegl, the head of a nail, because a corn looked like the head of a different kind of nail… the kind you drive into wood with a hammer. The toe and finger problems seemed similar, and the two kinds of “nails” at least sounded identical. So you shift the anatomy, make a pun and add an “h” and you have the hangnail. And it still hurts.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

Oreos are one of the most diverse cookies on the snack shelf. While most of us are accustomed to the traditional chocolate-cookie and vanilla-creme in the middle, there are literally dozens of other possible flavors that have been floated over the years, from Avocado Oreo to Firework Oreo. But now, Oreo may be prepared to top all of them, by releasing a mystery flavor! No specific word on where or when it will actually be released.  ***I’m not sure I like this “mystery flavor” idea.  That didn’t go over so well when I was in school and we had “Mystery Meat Monday”.

A police chase in Arkansas last week caught everyone’s eye, as cops were after a man in black Hummer with a casket on top.  ***Worst attempt at an inconspicuous getaway vehicle of all time!

It was every mother’s nightmare – Michelle Dinning called police Tuesday because her 9-year-old son, Josh, was missing. He had been last seen in his bedroom the night before. For nearly four hours, a search party roamed the area looking for the UK boy; the police force put dozens of officers, search dogs, and even a helicopter to work. And then they decided to check the family home a second time…and found Josh under his bed – well more specifically, in his bed; he had crawled through a gap in the bed frame. Officers found him after deciding to actually lift up all the beds. Turns out he was hiding because he didn’t want to go to school.  ***The perfect punishment for this kid?  Homeschooling… that way he would ALWAYS BE AT SCHOOL!

Bill Nye the Science Guy has hit Disney with a $28 million lawsuit, claiming he didn’t receive enough profits from his TV series.  ***This is what happens when people don’t watch your show after finding out you have zero credibility and you’re criticizing people when you have no science degree at all – but only a degree in engineering.  Bill Nye the Lying Guy.

As of next month, you can get your hands on a slice of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s wedding cake, when it gets auctioned off to raise money for charity. The fruitcake was designed by cake-maker Fiona Cairns with Kate Middleton’s passion for flowers and their meanings in mind. It has eight-tiers and is decorated with 900 sugar-paste flowers. It is expected to sell for thousands of pounds per piece, after one slice was sold in 2014 for around £8,000 ($9,456). Unfortunately, though, being six years old, the cake isn’t actually edible.  ***Wait – it’s fruitcake.  I thought that had a half-life twice as long as Twinkies!
http://www.womansworld.com/posts/if-you-want-a-slice-of-kate-and-william-s-wedding-cake-you-better-start-saving-now-140162

The new field at Tenino (ten-NINE-o) High School in Washington state is getting a lot talk. They went with a black turf. Add in black uniforms, the school colors and other teams are complaining that it will be hard to see the players.  ***Really?  The New York Jets wear green on green turf – and they’re considered the worst team in the NFL this year.  Your argument is invalid.

Everyone knows raising kids is hard, but what’s the hardest moment of a mom’s day? Well, according to a recent study of over 1,000 parents by Privilege Insurance, it’s exactly 5:08pm. The reason: 5:08pm is right when the battle begins to feed, bathe, and get those little tykes to bed. Many parents surveyed confessed that meltdowns often ensue when their kids refuse to eat what’s on their plate, or hop in the tub, or drift off to sleep.  ***I’m not a parent, but my guess would be the toughest part of the day for a parent would be waking up in the morning knowing you have to start parenting.

They had a lockdown at Buckingham palace Friday after a guy with a machete drove up and started swinging at guards.  ***Somebody has been watching way too much “Supernatural” on the CW.

Right in the middle of New Orleans Square in Disneyland is the inconspicuous entrance to one of the most-whispered-about spots in Disney parks across the globe: Club 33. Club 33 is a secret five-star restaurant that the regular public cannot access. There are only two ways to get into Club 33: being an exclusive member, or being invited by one.  Membership costs up to $100,000 annually, with a reported $12,500 to $30,000 in additional annual fees. As of 2012, there was a 14-year waiting list for membership applicants.  If it means you don’t have to wait in line for the rides and shows though, it might actually be worth it!
http://www.msn.com/en-us/foodanddrink/restaurantsandnews/this-is-what-its-like-to-eat-at-the-secret-club-in-disneyland-that-has-a-14-year-waiting-list/ss-AAqFeUn?ocid=ob-tw-enus-595

“Gone With the Wind” will be gone from The Orpheum’s 2018 summer movie series in Memphis, after several patrons went to this year’s showing and called it, ‘insensitive.  ***Let me say that again.  “Gone With the Wind” will NOT BE SHOWN as originally planned at The Orpheum’s 2018 summer movie series in Memphis, because a few people complained that it was ‘insensitive’.  8 Academy Awards, 5 Oscar Nominations, it won the People’s Choice Award for “Favorite All-Time Motion Picture”, constantly in the top 10 greatest films of all time, and yet a few snowflakes keep it from playing at a film festival because their teenie-weenie feelings might be hurt?  How about you tell those people, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a dang” and tell them to grow up?

If the New York Times’ motto is “All the news that’s fit to print,” the National Enquirer’s is “All the news inside is made up.” So don’t be shocked when you hear that since the beginning of the year, UFO sightings are up — way up. And right now the U.S. has 300 times the number of UFO reports than the global median.  ***Looking at the way people dress in Los Angeles alone, I can see why the aliens might feel more at home here than anywhere else in the world.

Agnes Fenton was prescribed alcohol by a doctor for a benign tumor in 1943. She’s been drinking whiskey and beer ever since. Agnes died last week in New Jersey at the age of 112.  ***Now if I can only get my doctor to write me a prescription for that so I have permission to take my medication while at work…

A federal appeals court agreed with a lower court’s ruling, saying Coach Joe Kennedy would not be able to go back to his coaching job at a Washington high school after he was dismissed for praying after football games. Kennedy was suspended in 2015 after he refused to stop praying at mid-field after football games. He then sued the district on religious freedom grounds. He also sought a ruling against the district on whether he could return to work. But Wednesday, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled against Kennedy. ***So let me make sure I’ve got this straight… it IS okay to take a knee at a football game to protest the United States, but it is NOT okay to take a knee at a football game to acknowledge the existence of God?  Do I have that right? http://dlvr.it/PhLgPG

A consumer advocate group is accusing Gwyneth Paltrow’s product, Goop, of making deceptive health claims to promote products featured on their website.  ***You mean to tell me an actor might be pretending something is real when it’s not?  Whoa, that came out of left field!

School bullies do not get enough sleep, according to University of Michigan scientists who found that pugnacious and pushy kids were more likely to suffer from sleep disordered breathing and sleeplessness. They found 23 percent of children who bullied had conduct problems and had discipline issues in school, often snored an indication of sleep disordered breathing and were sleepier during day hours. The sleep deprived were more prone to aggressive behavior. ***That’s right, you schoolyard bullies – you just need a nappie-poo.

The first single off Taylor Swift’s upcoming new album is called, “Look What You Made Me Do” which appears to be a diss on Kim and Kanye.   ***Or one of Taylor’s ex-boyfriends of the past couple of months.  It’s kinda hard to tell anymore.

An ordinance banning plastic straws and plastic utensils will take effect next year in Seattle.  ***That should be a lot of fun – trying to drink your soda from the fast-food drive-thru using no straw, but just a paper straw wrapper.

One food dish won 2 awards at the 13th Annual Big Tex Awards at the State Fair of Texas. The Funnel Cake Bacon Queso Burger was the big winner, earning trophies both for “Most Creative” and for “Best Taste Savory.”  ***I’d love to try this, but I don’t want to have to work off the 12-pounds I’d gain after the first serving.

Gary Robbins is a trucker who drove coast to coast – without ever stopping. Of course, there’s only one way to make that happen – by staying hopped up on illegal drugs – which is exactly what police say he did. So, the Alaska man was arrested in Deerfield, Mass., and reportedly admitted to driving straight there from Seattle. His ride ended at a Circle K gas station, where an employee called police after witnessing erratic behavior in the parking lot. After inserting his credit cards into the fuel tank and locking himself out of the vehicle, Robbins was seen trying to break into the truck from the space between the trailer and front cab. Police say the 49-year-old admitted to using crystal meth, LSD, and cocaine to fuel his non-stop, cross-country ride.  ***Sounds like he would’ve been on a ride whether he had a truck or not!

In Wuhan, China, jaywalkers and people whose faces are buried in their smartphones are getting protection from a busy intersection. Wuhan officials have had an anti-jaywalking gate installed. The gates, complete with LED signs across the top, block off crosswalks with two ropes that automatically lower during red lights. ***All of this because some people are too stupid to look up from their phones as they wander into traffic.  Are we sure we don’t want to let these people be run over to keep them from contaminating the gene pool?

An ESPN radio announcer was arrested in Wyoming where he was drunk and naked inside a stranger’s house.  ***It was great for a brief spike in the ratings though!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

Census figures show that a near-record level of U.S. counties are “dying” — that is, they are experiencing more deaths than births in their communities.  About 1 in 4 counties — or roughly 760 — are fading away. ***So stop screaming about world over-population.  You’ve won, we’re dying off, so shut your pie hole.

If you eat less — specifically cutting 300 to 500 calories out of your diet every day — it will not only reduce your risk of many common diseases, but also it may slow the aging process. That’s the word from researchers at St. Louis University in Missouri.  ***This could explain why I’m only (48) but look (68).

Researchers (in Germany) have found that exposure to traffic noise increases the risk of suffering from a heart attack, researchers have found. The noise from main roads and railway lines can lead to cardiovascular diseases such as myocardial infarction.  ***On the plus side, with so many heart attacks, this means the traffic should clear up soon.

OK guys. Admit it. Your skivvies probably have seen better days. According to a survey done for Jockey International, 77 percent of men say their undershorts are stained or tattered or worse. A quarter of guys confess their boxers or briefs are more than four years old. Another 15 percent admit they wear underwear that doesn’t fit. The telephone survey of 500 men was conducted by Kelton Research for Jockey. ***Nice to see I’m finally in the majority for something.

Beautiful people don’t just get all the breaks, scientists say they’re likely smarter than most people, too.  A study in England conducted by researchers at the London School of Economics found that attractive men and women generally have higher IQs.  The study indicated attractive men have IQs that are 13.6 points above the average, while beautiful women are 11.4 points higher than average.  Lead researcher Satoshi Kanazawa, insists this should not be considered justification for believing beautiful people are better than everyone else.  “Our contention that beautiful people are more intelligent is purely scientific,” he said.  ***So not only am I unattractive… I’m also stupid.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was angry because every time he tried to do something amazing, like compose music, for example, Steve Mozart always beat him to it. Millard felt haunted by the very presence of Mozart, and is now determined to find something he can do better than Mozart!

CLOSE: You have to give Millard credit, he truly is working hard to find a way to one-up that genius, Steve Mozart! Will he ever find a way to be better than him? Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

So, what happens if you ignore that warning label on spray paint that says “do not use near flame”?

A 15-year-old boy from Hunterdon County, New Jersey, wanted to know what would happen if you tossed a can of aerosol spray paint into a fire. However, instead of asking someone or even looking it up on the Internet, he decided to see for himself. Just so you know; the answer is that it will explode and give you second-degree burns if you stand too close, which he did.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU MUST DO BEFORE THE END OF SUMMER

10. Touch up your temporary tattoos.

9. Earn your degree in Piratology.

8. Spend every spare minute in the back yard trying to your money’s worth out of that swimming pool.

7. Re-grow all your hair… you know, after that incident with the BBQ grill.

6. Locate the lawnmower where it ran out of gas in the back yard; It would rust badly if you wait till spring.

5. Write your kid’s book report to clear that incomplete.

4. Remove Christmas decorations from roof. See also: Things To Do Before End of Spring and Things To Do Before End of Winter.

3. Find out which camp you dropped your kids at and hopefully pick them up.

2. Insulate the dog house in case you’re exiled there this winter.

1. Go back to the beach and unbury the kids from the sand sculpture you made back in July.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you tell a police officer that you’re a police officer yourself, it’s usually best to be able to back that up with some proof.

FILE #1: In Jackson, Mississippi, Ronald Simington was pulled over by the cops after a traffic accident. He offered up the excuse that he was a state trooper and was pursuing another suspect when the accident occurred. OK, said the officer, if you’re really a cop, then this must be your patrol car. Please turn on your lights and siren. So Ronnie reached toward the dash and threw an imaginary switch. Unfortunately, the imaginary lights and siren didn’t come on. He’s been sent to a not-so-imaginary jail.

FILE #2: One thing you have to say about 26-year-old Robert Lloyd Finder of North Bend, Oregon — he’s got guts — or maybe just no brains — not sure which so we’ll go with guts. Much to the embarrassment of North Bend police, he allegedly robbed a police station stealing a radio, two stun guns and a Crown Victoria patrol car. To the police department’s credit, they did make a quick arrest and caught him the next day trying to sell the stun guns. But Police Chief Steve Scibelli said, “I’m so upset about it, I can’t even find any humor in it. It’s pretty embarrassing.” Finder is now facing just about every charge the police could think up: burglary, possession of burglary tools, theft, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, unlawful entry into a motor vehicle, criminal mischief, criminal trespass, tampering with physical evidence and reckless driving. The burglary occurred when all the officers left a section of the building to respond to an assault call. Finder later told investigators he was walking near the station and noticed most of the police cars were gone. Chief Scibelli said, “He just wanted to see if he could pull this off. High risk, low reward. We were absolutely amazed that someone would have the nerve to do this.”

FILE #3: Police in Bakersfield, California, feared that a package in a parking lot was a bomb after they were alerted about a suspicious, unattended bag left in the lot. Police kept an eye on the bag for two hours. The area was evacuated and firefighters were put on alert until a bomb squad officer in protective gear crept up to the package and tore it open. And what was in the bag? Cookies.

STRANGE LAW: I know this law in Nevada is somewhat outdated. The law requires anyone walking on any street in Nevada to wear a mask. Just think how hard it would be to enforce this law in Las Vegas. Thousands of people would have to be arrested everyday. Just try putting on a mask and walking by a hotel/casino! You might be surprised how fast you get a response from security. But, I guess you could tell them you were only observing the law.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, Justin Alexander was having a big fight with his girlfriend. We don’t know what his plans were, but he laced her drink with a knockout drug. But when he brought the drinks out, he forgot which one was laced and which one wasn’t.  Of course, he drank the wrong one. He collapsed and hit his head on the coffee table moments after announcing to her that he had drugged her drink. He’s under arrest.

PHONER PHUN

What movie lines are constantly heard and said in conversation now, the witty lines that have impressed society’s funny bone and made an indention in our brains?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: When the foundation for the second temple was laid, the priest played trumpets. What did the Levites play?
ANSWER: Cymbals (Nehemiah 12:35-36)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many minutes on average do you spend at the office each day managing email?

ANSWER: 49 minutes per day (and 34% of the internal e-mail people get is considered “unnecessary.”)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Men can read smaller print than women. (True)

2. The footprints left by astronauts on the Moon will last about 100 years. (False – 10 million years)

3. The Atlantic Ocean is saltier then the Pacific Ocean. (True)

4. In India, there are 3.5 private telephones for every 100 people. (True)

5. Before Mickey Mouse, Felix the Cat was the most popular cartoon character. (True)

6. The Pentagon was allowed to choose some of the clothes that John Travolta wore in the movie “Broken Arrow” so that the military would be portrayed positively. (True)

7. The volume of water in the Mississippi River is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined. (False – the Amazon River)

8. North America produces two-thirds of the world’s gold. (False – South Africa)

9. The word “Checkmate” in chess means, “The King is Dead.” (True. It comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat”, which means “the king is dead”)

10. Only one person in a million will live to be 116 or older. (False – one in two billion!)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ELEVENTH _______ FOUND ON MOUNT SINAI! (COMMANDMENT)

An archaeologist has found a portion of a stone table engraved 3,000 years ago with an eleventh Commandment!

Oxford University professor Rupert Catchpole, 45, made the Earth-shattering find while heading up an excavation near the summit of the famous mountain where tradition says the Ten Commandments were given to Moses by God.

The biblical hero, famously played by Charlton Heston in the film The Ten commandments is said to have brought the list of divinely dictated rules to his people on stone tablets.

And in Exodus 32:19, when he catches the Israelites worshiping the golden calf, he’s said to have broken the tablets in frustration.

“The thing with stone is that it’s often brittle,” says Catchpole.  ”When it breaks, pieces scatter in t every direction.

“In the heat of the moment, Moses may have broken off the eleventh Commandment and either didn’t realize it, or he was just too tired to remember it when he engraved the new tablets for the Israelites after they repented. Who knows?”

The portion of stone is about 132 inches wide and 3 inches tall.  Hebrew writing is engraved across it.

“It’s clearly a part of a larger piece,” says the professor.  ”The bottom edge is smooth and bordered with a very ornate design – it’s incredible workmanship.  The top edge is jagged, so it’s easy to surmise that the piece broke off the bottom of a larger table.”

But what does the Commandment actually say?

“This is the difficult bit,” says Catchpole.  ”It appears to read, ‘Thous shalt not spend all day on the Internet.”  It seems absurd and for many years nobody knew what it meant.  But now it is clear.

God must obviously knew that the Internet was coming and that it would be challenge to man’s willpower and morale.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Morris bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, “Free to good home, you want it — you take it”.

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. Eventually, Morris decided that people were too untrusting of the deal, that it looked “too good to be true”.

So he changed the sign to read “Fridge for sale — $150”.

The next day someone stole it.

JOKE #2

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.

“I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” he explained. “Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time.”

The operator giggled, “That’s really funny,” she said. “All this time we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle.

JOKE #3

The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.
”Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup – aren’t they foreign objects?”

She scrutinized his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here.”

USELESS FACTS

An auto insurance company says eating while driving is the cause of many car crashes. ***Especially with drivers who love Chinese food and are using chopsticks.

How is this for irony — the winner of a contest to find the most accident-prone person in an English town slipped, fell down and was badly bruised as she left her home to go to the award ceremony.  ***Enough already! You won the award!

FEATURED FUNNIES

NAIL BITER

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. “No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

SPEED DEMON

Sometimes, even an entire city government gets what they deserve.

…take for example, Kendleton, Texas a few years ago. They thought of this great way to get other people to pay for the city’s municipal budget. Beginning in 1990, the city became a 24-hour speed trap so it could collect tons of money from speeding tickets. One problem though… the city of Kendleton didn’t realize that the state of Texas has a law against that exact kind of thing. Why? Because Texas didn’t want cities to become predators which, ironically, is exactly what Kendleton, Texas became! So the town has now discovered that they owe the entire state of Texas $1.7-million in unpaid speeding ticket debts. The result is that the state has taken every last cent from their bank accounts and the city was forced into bankruptcy.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

FROM YOUR LIPS TO GOD’S EARS

by Joyce Williams
After 26 years of marriage, my husband said it was over and moved out of the house where we lived with our daughter. I tried to go on with my routine. Like the meeting I was supposed to attend, three hours away. I wouldn’t cancel.
“Will you take me to my friends on your way out of town?” my daughter asked. She was leaving the country on a church trip. I dropped her off and headed on to my meeting.
For the day, at least, it took my mind off things. Afterward, I got in my car, turned on the radio and started for home. I’m going to spend tonight alone. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks. My house was in the woods, without a neighbor in sight.
I clutched the wheel and tried to concentrate on the song playing. Darkness was falling. The music ended and I reached to change the radio station. The announcer’s voice stopped me. “Someone out there needs to hear this,” he said. He read from Job. “You will be secure. You will take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid.”
My grip relaxed on the wheel. My anxieties floated away. By the time I drove up our tree-lined lane, it was dusk. I parked and stepped out into the night air. I unlocked the front door, went into my room and got ready for bed. I sank under the covers and slept soundly. I wasn’t afraid. I was secure. Because God was in this house.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

SWEET COMPANY

Read: John 14:15-26

The Spirit of truth . . . dwells with you and will be in you. —John 14:17

The elderly woman in the nursing home didn’t speak to anyone or request anything. It seemed she merely existed, rocking in her creaky old chair. She didn’t have many visitors, so one young nurse would often go into her room on her breaks. Without asking the woman questions to try to get her to talk, she simply pulled up another chair and rocked with her. After several months, the elderly woman said to her, “Thank you for rocking with me.” She was grateful for the companionship.

Before He went back to heaven, Jesus promised to send a constant companion to His disciples. He told them He would not leave them alone but would send the Holy Spirit to be in them (John 14:17). That promise is still true for believers in Jesus today. Jesus said that the triune God makes His “home” in us (v.23).

The Lord is our close and faithful companion throughout our entire life. Recording artist Scott Krippayne expresses this truth in song: “In my deepest night He is the guiding star; in my sinfulness He is the forgiving heart; a willing ear for each silent prayer, a shoulder for burdens I cannot bear. Sweet company from now through all eternity.”

We can enjoy His sweet company today. —Anne Cetas

In my bed of thorns, He is the fragrant rose;
In my wilderness, He’s the stream that flows;
A shelter built with loving grace,
His refuge shall be my dwelling place. —Krippayne
© 2002, New Spring Publishing, Inc./Chips and Salsa Songs

The Christian’s heart is the Holy Spirit’s home.

LEFTOVERS

(2013) We get hot, we get cranky and many times, we squabble – sometimes over minor matters like what kind of brats we should throw on the grill for our next get together.  Now researchers have discovered that chilling out – literally, like with a cold glass of ice water – may be the key to coming around to someone else’s point of view.  A  study published in this month’s issue of the Dutch psychological journal Acta Psychologica examined the ability of temperature to influence a person’s tendency to take another’s perspective. Cooler temperatures, the study suggests, make us more vulnerable to such influences. 

LIFE… LIVE IT

If you’re feeling bummed out, then work out!

According to a new report, exercise increases the production of a chemical in the brain that has shown to have antidepressant effects in mice. Previous studies have found that exercise can help ease depression symptoms, but the new study found that after mice had a week’s worth of workouts on a running wheel, they showed altered activity in a total of 33 genes, the majority of which had never been identified before. They say the research could lead to new methods of treating depression.  ***MARLAR: For example, if you’re depressed, tell your spouse to get out of the house and go work out.

JUST FOR FUN

FASHION SENSE

Would you trust a computer to tell you if you’re dressing fashionably?  If not, don’t go shopping in Britain!

A The British company has developed a “smart” dressing room that tells clothes shoppers what not to wear. It uses 3D digital cameras in the dressing room to photograph your body and make precise measurements from more than 1,000 points. Then it suggests clothes that would be flattering for your body type. It even offers specific advice like “your bum looks too big in this,” or words to that effect. A spokesman said shoppers are free to ignore the advice if they want.  ***MARLAR: Or you can go with the cheaper version and just take your mother shopping with you.

FUN LIST

INTERESTING NAMES

  • One of the most popular soft drinks originated in Texas. Well, guess what, we have a physician in Austin, Texas whose name is the same as the soft drink’s name. She practices emergency medicine at one of the local hospitals and her name is Dr. Pepper.

  • There is a dentist named Dr. Smiley and also a plastic surgeon named Dr. Hacker. There was a doctor in town named Dr Goodenough.

  • Several years ago at the Bank in Wallowa County, Oregon, two of their employees were a Mr. Cheatum and a Mr. Steele.

  • We have a surgeon in town named Dr. Kutty.

  • In New Zealand a while ago the Minister of Mines was Mr Colman.

  • In the Philippines there is a Cardinal Sin.

  • There was an Anglican clergyman whom the authorities were reluctant to promote since he would become Canon Ball. Guess there was a real chance he would be fired!

  • A dentist in Ashburton, New Zealand was Mr Gummer.

  • In the Salvation Army in New Zealand there is (or was) a Major Major.

  • At Hinsdale Hospital in Hinsdale Illinois these doctors are on their staff . . .

  • An Orthopedic Surgeon . . . Dr. Orth.

  • A Family Practice Specialist . . . Dr. Butcher.

  • There was a ophthalmologist in Baltimore, MD named Dr. Glasser and a dentist in PA named Dr. Sugar. He had T-shirts and magnets made that said “Dr. Sugar is good for your teeth.”

  • A church pastor in Mountain View, CA is Pastor Church.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

If you’re working lots of overtime, you might want to rethink that plan, especially if you find you’re generally unhappy with life.

Men and women who regularly work more than 40 hours a week have a high risk for developing anxiety and depression, according to a new study published in the Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine. The rates were also higher among less-skilled workers and those with lower incomes. Specifically, the Norwegian study found that men who worked 40 hours a week or less had a 9% possible depression score.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends.)

It started off as a hobby his wife enjoyed, and now Clayton Shelburne is making blankets on his own after her death. The 88-year-old Indiana man has already made several dozen blankets, supplying enough for one to go with every patrol car with the Zionsville Police Department and the Boone County Sheriff’s Office. The Police use the blankets to keep people warm at accident scenes.
http://bit.ly/2qCSOiu

A Quebec man isn’t letting his visual impairment stop him from delivering meals to low-income seniors, thanks to a bicycle built for two. Andre Beaudoin, 66, supplies pedal power while his fellow Meals-on-Wheels volunteer Anick Bergeron steers their tandem delivery bike around Montreal. The retired computer programmer says the volunteer work is his way of giving back after he received help while growing up.
http://bit.ly/2qIp29K

There’s great news for coffee lovers!  A new study published in the journal Circulation found that regular coffee drinkers—people who drank less than five cups of coffee in a given day—have a lower risk of dying early from a number of different causes. The researchers found that those who drank coffee on a regular basis had a lower risk of dying during the study’s 30 year follow up from problems such as heart diseases, diabetes, brain conditions and suicide.
http://ti.me/2qRHSOX

People who live to be 100 or more have one thing in common, and it’s not just low cholesterol. They are happy, optimistic folks, who tend to be outgoing, love to laugh and stay engaged in activities they enjoy. All of which has prompted researchers from Yeshiva University in New York City to conclude that these positive personality traits may also be part of the longevity genes mix. Centenarians had lower scores for displaying a neurotic personality and higher scores for being conscientious compared with a representative sample of the U.S. population. Those who are conscientiousness are disciplined, organized, achievement-oriented and dependable, while those who are neurotic are not as emotionally stable, tend to have less impulse control and are aggressive and anxious. The moral of this story: Find the humor in life. Do the things you love to do. Embrace your friends. Look forward to tomorrow. And you just might live to be 100.

Almost everyone and their mother warned us not to look directly at the sun during the recent solar eclipse, so we wouldn’t blame you if you’re a little paranoid about eye damage. Now Woman’s World says there’s an at-home test you can take that will let you know if any damage was done. Print out a photo of the Amsler Grid. After checking both eyes, if you notice that you saw wavy or distorted lines or dark or missing areas of the grid, you should get your eyes checked.
http://www.womansworld.com/posts/how-to-tell-if-i-have-solar-eclipse-eye-damage-because-we-re-all-paranoid-140246

SOUL-GLO

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

In New York City, Kara Mullins and Osvaldo “OJ” Jimenez just got married, on the very city bus where they met 13 years ago. Fifty guests along with random passengers watched the wedding last Sunday. Jimenez told Mullins, “I’m glad I found my way to you.” Mullins told her groom, “I love you, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” A video of the ceremony aired on TV station NY1. Jimenez first spotted his future bride 13 years ago on an M14, a Manhattan local crosstown bus. He said when he suggested getting married on the same bus Kara replied, “Heck, yeah, let’s do it.” A friend performed the ceremony as a Universal Life minister. (Newser)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

An Arizona man posts a totally outrageous message to social media – and then he is surprised when it creates a backlash!  

…By now you know about the Donald Trump rally held by the president last Tuesday in downtown Phoenix. Of course there were also those who wanted to protest the rally and began posting on social media about where to meet up and what to bring to the “Protest Trump Downtown Phoenix” event. But one comment appeared that wasn’t like the others – a comment from a guy named James Cobo. Cobo wrote: “You are all pathetic. Cant wait to drive through. 4×4 with push bumper will be sweet in this crowd. I named my lifted truck ‘trumper!’ ” That proved to be a really bad idea as people began taking screenshots of the post, researching the man who posted it and contacting companies that could be his employer. Less than 24 hours later, West Valley Tires Point S, an automotive-services store in Buckeye, a city about 40 miles west of downtown Phoenix, posted to Facebook condemning the threat and distancing itself from Cobo. A few days later he was fired. The company then issued a statement reading: “West Valley Tires Point S wants to publicly state we do not condone or support violence or prejudice in anyway shape or form. We were recently made aware of an employee that posted outrageous posts and videos that are in no way affiliated with the positive views, values and appreciation we have for people in our community and throughout the world. That person is no longer affiliated with West Valley Tires Point S.” Now Cobo is back peddling big time saying, “I’m being made into a horrible person over a joke that was just meant to ruffle some feathers. I admit it was a tasteless joke, but keyword here is it was a joke. If anybody was ever going to go and intentionally hurt people, why would they talk about it on social media publicly before doing it?” Still, Cobo stands by what he said, even after losing his job and receiving multiple death threats. He has since bought security cameras for his home and told reporters: “I never hurt anybody, nor did I have the intent to. I never said I was actually going to hit anybody with a vehicle. They assumed it. Never would have thought it would be a big deal. I still can’t figure out why I’m being called a racist. I’ve never even said anything racist. This is not how America is supposed to work.”  ***True, Cobo – but that’s the America you currently live in.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I want the government to legislate a flyin’ car. Preferably one that runs on mild salsa, because hey, what else is that stuff good for? –Brian Jones

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 25, 2017…

Leap!— is an animated music film (also titled “Ballerina”) about a little girl who wants to be a dancer. These films come along from time to time, but this one includes not one, but two creative people who are friends. There is Felicie (voice of Elle Fanning) as the little girl and her inventive friend, Victor (voice of Nat Wolff) and they both live in a home for orphans. Away they go to Paris to make better lives for themselves. Felicie soon learns it isn’t easy to beat the competition in dance class, and Victor has problems, too. Felicie meets jealousy in school (Camille and voice of Maddie Ziegler) because she doesn’t have the proper background. Well, there is always an extra friend, and here it is the school clean-up person (voice of Carly Rae Jepson) who has an idea. You may recognize another voice,  Kate McKinnon as Camille’s mother, who looks down on just about everyone. Will talent triumph? What do you think? “Leap!” is rated PG, with music by Klaus Badelt. Rating of 2 for dance fans.

Brigsby Bear— Sometimes parents do something unusual to entertain their children. Such is the case of James (Kyle Mooney) whose parents created a fictional “Brigsby Bear” cartoon using items at hand. James grows up and the cartoon is over…or is it? Creativity takes a step forward. Also in the cast are Claire Danes, Greg Kinnear and Mark Hamill. “Brigsby Bear” is rated PG. .

SEPTEMBER 01, 2017…

I Do…Until I Don’t is a study of marriage starring Lake Bell.

Unlocked is a thriller with Noomi Rapace and about the CIA.

Viceroy’s House stars Gillian Anderson in a history drama about India in the mid-1940’s.

Goon: Last Of The Enforcers has Seann William Scott reprising his role in this active hockey film. The first film of several years ago, “Goon,” is worth seeing again.

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind is a re-release of this fan-favorite film of space aliens visiting Earth. Stars Richard Dreyfuss. Who doesn’t remember what happened on that starry, starry night…

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.