August 31, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Please contact me to be made an affiliate!)

***LIFE LINES – FREE TO AIR! (Updates automatically weekdays at 8am.)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160831

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to another episode of (THE JOCK SHOW), with great music, fun, and (three and a half) hours of me sitting here wondering what the boss meant when he said it would be good for my image if I got out of the business. —Toms Lake Humor Company

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“…be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity.” — 1 Timothy 4:12

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. — 2 Corinthians 4:18

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. — James 1:22

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God — Mark 10:25

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

At this they tried to seize him, but no one laid a hand on him, because his time had not yet come. Still, many in the crowd put their faith in him. They said, “When the Christ comes, will he do more miraculous signs than this man?” — John 7:30-31

Thought: The enemies of Jesus had tried repeatedly to seize him. Yet the Gospel of John reminds us again and again that no one could seize Jesus until he offered himself up to them. Jesus followed God’s timetable just as carefully as he obeyed his Father’s will. So we can know with assurance that when Jesus died, he did so to redeem us and obey his Father’s will, not because he was powerless to defend himself. Jesus’ death is a voluntary sacrifice, a triumph of his obedience to his Father’s will over his own will for preservation. He obeyed and we are saved! He offered himself as a sacrifice so we could be adopted into the Father’s family!

Prayer: Lord Jesus, I thank you for honoring our Father and being obedient to him and his timing in your life. Thank you for choosing to die for me and redeem me from my sin. Thank you, dear Father, for such an incredible display of love and mercy that cost you so much. Please give me a more profound sense of my worth and significance to you, because I know the great price you paid to redeem and adopt me. In Jesus’ holy name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 8:31 NIV = What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – AUGUST 31, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 1
21 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is LOVE LITIGATING LAWYERS DAY.  ***MARLAR: Sure, you hate lawyers… but only until you need one!

Today is INVENT A NEW SANDWICH DAY.  ***MARLAR: Go ahead, you can do it… and maybe you can name it after my show!  Of course, that would require it having lots of cheese in the middle!

Today is NATIONAL TRAIL MIX DAY.  ***MARLAR: Never did like that stuff.  And why do they call it trail mix, anyway?  If it’s because you eat it while hiking the trail, that could refer to anything – my chocolate doughnuts qualify as trail mix at that point. Or is it trail mix because it looks like something you might find on the trail?  And if so, why on earth would you want to eat it?

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Overdose Awareness Day

National Matchmaker Day

Tug-of-War Day

COMING UP NEXT

International Overdose Awareness Day

Love Litigating Lawyers Day

National Matchmaker Day

Tug-of-War Day

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01

Building And Code Staff Appreciation Day

Calendar Adjustment Day

Chicken Boy’s Day

Emma M. Nutt Day

National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day

Random Acts of Kindness Day

Save Japan’s Dolphins Day

Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 02

Bison-ten Yell Day

V-J Day

Bring Your Manners To Work Day

Cow Chip Throwing Days begin

Hug Your Boss Day

National College Colors Day

National Lazy Moms Day

National No Patrick Day

Sand Sculpting Days begin

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 03

Bacon Day

Franchise Appreciation Day

National Buffalo Chicken Wings Days begin

National Tailgating Day

National Writing Date Day

Penny Press Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 04

National Wildlife Day

Newspaper Carrier Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 05

Be Late For Something Day

Great Bathtub Race

International Day of Charity

Jury Rights Day

Labor Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 06

Another Look Unlimited Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 07

Google Commemoration Day

Grandma Moses Day

National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day ***You’d think they could come up with a shorter name for a day dedicated to people with short attention spans.

Neither Snow Nor Rain” Day

Salami Day

ON THIS DAY

1861: Jesse Brown Pounds was born. She published nine books, 50 cantatas, and over 400 religious songs, including “Anywhere With Jesus,” “I Know That My Redeemer Liveth,” and “The Way of the Cross Leads Home.”

1900: Coca Cola went on sale in Britain.

1946: Foghorn Leghorn debuted in the Warner Brothers cartoon “Walky Talky Hawk.”

1958: The Census Bureau reported that there were 902 female sailors in the U.S. Navy.

1969: Boxer Rocky Marciano died in a light plane crash near Newton, Iowa, a day before his 46th birthday.

1976: Beatle George Harrison was found guilty of subconsciously plagiarizing the Chiffons’ “He’s So Fine” when he wrote “My Sweet Lord.”

1976: The TV show “Alice” premiered on CBS. Based on the 1975 film “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore,” the TV series starred Linda Lavin, Vic Tayback, Philip McKeon, Beth Howland, and Polly Holliday. (audio clip)

1976: Carallyn Bowes became the first woman to run across Canada when she arrived in Burnaby, B.C., after a 3,841-mile jog from Halifax. In 133 days she lost 15 pounds and wore out 13 pairs of shoes.

1984: The Merle Haggard-Willie Nelson album Pancho & Lefty went platinum, with over one-million albums sold.

1992: Oakland traded Jos Canseco to Texas for Reuben Sierra, Jeff Russell, Bobby Witt, and $400,000 cash.

2001: A would-be bank robber went to the only empty cashier’s window to demand cash at a bank in Feldmoching, Germany. When the staff ignored him because he was standing at a closed window, the armed bandit fled empty-handed complaining about the appalling service at the bank.

2005: Martial law was declared in New Orleans amid reports of looters running wild, food and drinking water dwindling and bodies floating in the Katrina floodwaters.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1535: Pope Paul II excommunicates English King Henry VIII, who had been declared by an earlier pope as “Most Christian King” and “Defender of the Faith”.

1688: English Puritan writer and preacher John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim’s Progress, dies at age 69. Though one of England’s most famous authors even in his own day, he maintained his pastoral duties to his death, which was caused by a cold he caught while riding through the rain to reconcile a father and son.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actor (Rush Hour) Chris Tucker 44

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1939 : Jerry Allison (The Crickets)

1945 : Itzhak Perlman

1945 : Van Morrison

1948 : Rudolf Schenker (Scorpions)

1955 : Anthony Thistlethwaite (The Waterboys)

1957 : Glenn Tilbrook (Squeeze)

1957 : Gina Schock (Go-Go’s)

1960 : Tony DeFranco (The DeFranco Family)

1963 : Larry Waddell (Mint Condition)

1969 : Jeff Russo (Tonic)

1970 : Debbie Gibson

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How many copies of The Gutenberg Bible exist?

The Gutenberg Bible, known also as the Mazarin Bible and the 42-Line Bible, Latin edition of the Bible, printed at Mainz, Germany, about 1456. Although German bibliographers claim that it was printed by the German printer Johannes Gutenberg, the edition may have been finished and perfected by Johann Fust, a wealthy financier who gained Gutenberg’s share of the business in a lawsuit; and Peter Schöffer, Gutenberg’s assistant.

The book is the first volume known to have been printed with movable metal type. The first copy that attracted attention was discovered about 1760 among the books of the French statesman Cardinal Jules Mazarin. Of the 47 extant copies, the finest known was acquired by the Library of Congress, Washington, D.C., in 1930.

Only two other perfect copies are known to exist. Completed between 1450 and 1456, the Gutenberg Bible was the first book printed after Johann Gutenberg’s invention of movable type. Originally intended to look like the work of a manuscript copyist, Gutenberg Bibles lacked page numbers, title pages, and other distinguishing features. At least one book of the Bible has been published in 1,808 languages since the Bible was first printed.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett is starting her own support group. She posted: My name is Megan and I’m addicted to buying house plants.

NeedToBreathe still wants your videos. They posted this week: Just because the Hard Love dance contest is over doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still send yours in. Hard Love is the title cut from the latest NeedtoBreathe album.

Jeremy Camp has launched a new website. The site is at the same web address but everything else has changed. Check out everything about Jeremy Camp at JeremyCamp.com.

Advice from Jonny Diaz: When you should be working, lock it in and work as hard as you can! When you should be resting, turn it off and truly rest!

Paul Baloche: “You don’t have to be cool. Cool is not a fruit of the Spirit!”

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett tweeted this week: THAT is how mama gets it done! 6 hour drive home from the beach by myself with 3 happy kids and we didn’t even stop ONCE!

A challenge from Building 429: this week speak life to everyone you meet! That, of course, is taken directly from Proverbs 18:21.

A reminder from Ellie Holcomb: Stop. Slow down and take in the beauty of each moment.

The Sidewalk Prophets didn’t let a little thing like a broken down bus ruin their week. The members of the band were at the side of the road for 18 hours after Bubba, their tour bus, developed problems while traveling from Washington state to Nashville. The bus was finally towed to the shop and the Dave Frey and the rest of the guys caught a flight home. From there they rented a backup bus and headed back out on the road, traveling to Arkansas this weekend.

Building 429 had a new drummer sound checking with the band over the weekend. Front man Jason Roy says his son Avery sat in on the drums for their sound check. Jason says he even got Avery to join them for one song during their concert that evening. He says he was a proud papa. https://www.instagram.com/p/BJnTlVMAaj5/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A major TV broadcaster in Britain shut down for an hour the other day in order to encourage people to get some exercise.  ***And it worked – if you count lifting the remote control to switch to another channel as “exercise”.

While Instagram data can already be used to guess your age, a new research paper shows how it might also be used to check upon your mental health. Using a set of machine learning tools and several dozen users’ Instagram feeds, a team of researchers from Harvard and the University of Vermont have built a model that can accurately spot signs of clinical depression. By reviewing “color analysis, metadata components, and algorithmic face detection” in each user’s feed, the model was able to correctly identify which Instagrammers showed symptoms of depression about 70 percent of the time, even before they had been clinically diagnosed.  ***Clue number one – they dressed in goth.

New polling also shows an “historic dislike” for both candidates.  ***<clears throat> Gary Johnson. <cough> Gary Johnson.

Parents may not equate McDonald’s Happy Meals with physical fitness, but the fast-food giant is trying to change that with a new set of kids toys. Instead of a plastic figurine, book or plush toy, McDonald’s is giving away activity trackers with Happy Meals in the United States and Canada for a limited time. The “step-it” trackers are part of a promotional campaign aimed at getting kids moving again. The fitness trackers, which come in six colors, count steps and blink according to how quickly or slowly the person wearing the device is moving.  ***Wait… didn’t we already solve this problem with Pokémon GO?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A new report says a cocoa extract may help prevent Alzheimer’s. According to a study conducted at the School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, a specific preparation of cocoa extract prevents a protein in the brain from gradually forming sticky clumps which are known to damage nerve cells as Alzheimer’s progresses.  ***MARLAR: So… bring on the Nestle Crackles!

If your 7-year-old son comes home from school with flu, he probably caught it from another boy rather than one of the girls, says new research that sheds light on how the flu virus spreads. Scientists researching the spread of H1N1 in an elementary school classroom found that boys typically transmit the infection to other boys and girls pass it on to girls. In fact, grade-school guys are three times more likely to spread flu to classmates of the same sex than the opposite sex.  ***MARLAR: Well, yeah – of course.  Because if you get too close to the other sex you might get cooties!

As the number of cremations in the U.S. approaches 50%, more and more people are instructing their loved ones to spread their ashes around after they’ve died. While the spreading of ashes is often legal with permissions and permits, some family members do so without permission — and act known in the funeral industry as “wildcat scattering.”  ***And if you’re a fan of the University of Arizona, and are caught by police while doing it, it’s considered “Wildcat wildcat scattering scattering”.

It’s not just a people problem: Growing rates of obesity in pets have led to the emergence of fat farms offering “pawlates,” “doga” and “Barko Polo,” doggie versions of Pilates, yoga and Marco Polo to help slim down man’s best friend.  In the U.S., 53 percent of dogs are overweight or obese, up from 45 percent four years ago. In cats, the figure is almost 58 percent, said Dr. Ernie Ward, a veterinarian and founder of the Association of Pet Obesity Prevention in Calabash, North Carolina. Overweight pets can suffer diabetes, joint problems, heart disease and decreased life expectancy, just like obese people, he said.  ***MARLAR: The pet fitness program actually works in two ways – first, it burns calories so your dog can lose fat, plus it’s so expensive that you can’t afford to continue buying food for your dog.

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Slow Children, Running Child”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mark Lowry, “Open Heart Surgery”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson’s parents were disappointed in Marvy because he refused to play or even get to know Scotty – the new kid on the block. He wasn’t friendly at all. Of course, it’s not really Marvy’s fault, because after all, everyone knows you don’t hang out with the new kid… it’s just not done… right?

CLOSE: As if not playing with the new kid wasn’t bad enough, now Marvy may never be able to play with anyone ever again – he’s washed out onto the high seas! Tune in next time to find out what happens, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF SEPTEMBER 03/04

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, we discovered that the Plaid Guy – who all of the Razzleflabbins were terrified of, was actually not a bad guy at all… he was just different! They’ve all made friends now, and he’s even been invited to the Razzleflabbin Barbecue!

CLOSE: Sounds like everyone is having a great time with their new friend, the Plaid Guy… but what about Marvy? He’s still stranded on Razzleflabbin Island! Will he ever get home? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

To what extreme will you go to get the day off of work?

James Ralph Snyder and Mary Jo Elizabeth Jensen of Waterloo, Iowa filed a fake obituary saying that Mary Jo’s 17-year-old son had died so that they could take time off from their jobs. They had previously used the son’s “illness” as a way to miss even more work days. The plot was foiled when the son was spotted in a restaurant, alive and well.   Not sick.  Not dead.  But that isn’t how the police found out. The police found out from the son, who reported the little scam.

TOP TEN

HOW TO BUILD A WEBSITE IN TEN EASY STEPS

10. Download a piece of Web authoring software – 20 minutes.

9. Think about what you want to write on your Web page – 6 weeks.

8. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it – 20 minutes.

7. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like – 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again – 25 minutes.

5. Try to horizontally line up two related images – 6 hours.

4. Remove one of the images – 10 seconds.

3. Accidentally delete your complete web page – 1 second.

2. Recreate your web page – 2 days.

1. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP’s server – 3 weeks.

(See, it’s real simple!)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Here’s a tip for would-be criminals: a disguise only works if you wear it!

FILE #1: A thief in Illinois made a disguise by cutting two eyeholes in a towel. He then went to rob a jewelry store, but forgot to put the towel on. Midway through he announced, “If you all don’t cooperate, I’ll put this towel over my head and you won’t recognize me anymore.” Ohhhh. Somehow, I think they would have a hard time forgetting this guy!

FILE #2: In Albuquerque, NM, Alberto J. Vasquez did pretty well when he donned a mask and robbed a Dunkin’ Donuts. He and a friend made off with over $1400. However, Alberto used to work at this same Dunkin’ Donuts, and an employee thought he recognized Alberto’s voice during the robbery. He was even more certain when Alberto’s accomplice called him by his nickname, “A.J.” Police then followed a trail of coins and footprints leading directly to his apartment building, two doors down from the shop.

FILE #3: Jace Lewis, 18, and a 17-year-old boy from Prineville, Oregon… like many teenagers in the west, they went shooting signs. Drive along the road, see a sign, take aim, blam. What they didn’t pay attention to was what the signs read. They took aim at one the Sheriff’s deputies put out saying, “Training Exercise Ahead.”  Officers started chasing the teens within seconds. They now face charges of criminal mischief.

STRANGE LAW: Drivers cannot be blindfolded while operating a vehicle in Alabama

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Sometimes you get the munchies… and if your brain is on drugs, it doesn’t matter where those munchies come from!

Police said a Bismarck, North Dakota man was arrested at a grocery store after workers found him at a table in the deli, eating avocados, cake and other items. Bismarck Police Lt. Randy Ziegler said the 38-year-old man was intoxicated and had a hearty spread, including cake, cookies and plums, in the deli area of Cashwise Foods.  Ziegler said avocado pits and pistachio shells ended up on the floor and on a connecting table in the store. He said the man told officers he had no money and had no idea how he planned to pay for the food.  Police arrested him on a misdemeanor theft charge.

PHONER PHUN

When my dad decided to ask his girlfriend to marry him (He was 66, she was 62), he decided it would be best to ask permission from her kids first. I told him there’s no clause in life’s contract that says you have to do that,” but he said it was the gentlemanly thing to do. What do you think?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was Elisabeth’s son first called?

ANSWER: Zacharias (Luke 1:59)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What kind of wood is used to make Scrabble letters?

ANSWER: Vermont Maple.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The act of sneezing is called “expulsion”. (False – “sternutation”)

2. If you are over 100 years old, there is an 80% chance you are a woman. (True)

3. William Moulton Marston, creator of Wonder Woman (who had the golden lasso that made people tell the truth), also invented the polygraph. (True)

4. Benjamin Franklin invented swim fins. (True)

5. George Washington loved to play marbles. (True)

6. At the height of inflation in Germany in the early 1920s, one U.S. dollar was equal to four quintillion German marks. (True)

7. Early models of vacuum cleaners were powered by gasoline. (True)

8. The thing that casts a shadow on a sundial is called a caster. (False – gnomon)

9. John Adams was the first president to shake hands as a greeting—before that, they bowed. (False – Thomas Jefferson)

10. Unborn babies can sneeze. (False – but they can hiccup)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GIANT HOLE IN THE _______ (SUN)

A space telescope aimed at the sun has spotted a gigantic hole in sun!

A dark spot that covers nearly a quarter of our closest star, spewing solar material and gas into space.

The so-called coronal hole over the sun’s north pole came into view between July 13 and 18 and was observed by the Solar and Heliospheric Observatory, or SOHO. NASA released a video of the sun hole as seen by the SOHO spacecraft, showing the region as a vast dark spot surrounded by solar activity.

Coronal holes are darker, cooler regions of the sun’s atmosphere, or corona, containing little solar material. In these gaps, magnetic field lines whip out into the solar wind rather than looping back to the sun’s surface. Coronal holes can affect space weather, as they send solar particles streaming off the sun about three times faster than the slower wind unleashed elsewhere from the sun’s atmosphere, according to a description from NASA.

Some at NASA fear that the sun is about to break apart and collapse, which some think would mean the end of Earth, and humans.  ”Actually, there’s nothing to worry about,” said astrophysicist  Paul Comito. “If the Sun breaks apart, there is another Sun just outside our galaxy that will fill the void and take over and be our new sun.  It’s the natural order of the universe. We have a backup.”

So, don’t worry… there’s a giant hole in the sun, but… it’s all good.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”
“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”
“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, that was during office hours.”

JOKE #2

Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it increasingly difficult for him to play. He complained to the clubhouse man about his eyesight. “I can’t play with my glasses on because they keep falling off,” he said. “And I’m too darn nearsighted to play without them.”

“Why don’t you play with Hughes?” the clubhouse man suggested.

“Him?” Woodruff scoffed. “He’s ninety-eight if he’s a day, and he can’t get around without a wheelchair!”

“True,” said the clubhouse man, “but he’s farsighted.”

So the next day, Woodruff and Hughes played together. Woodruff took a tremendous swing and hit the ball well. “Boy, that felt good!” he exclaimed. “Did you see it?” he asked Hughes.

“Yes,” the very old man replied.

“Where did it go?”

“I can’t remember,” Hughes sighed.

JOKE #3

Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran’s hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.

“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

“Mine,” boasted another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.

“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

USELESS FACTS

According to the International Egg Commission, Hungarian men eat an average of 300 eggs a year. Making them the leading egg consumers in the world.  ***MARLAR: Of course they eat more – every morning they wake up in Hungary!

Audi has a concept car that has a built-in espresso machine between the two front seats.  ***MARLAR: Why sue McDonald’s for your coffee burns?  You can cut out the middleman and sue yourself, you clumsy dolt.

FEATURED FUNNIES

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”

The Biologist concludes: “They have reproduced.”

The Mathematician says: “Now if another person enters the house, it’ll be empty again.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DEAD TIRED

A man injures his back and has a heck of time finding a ride back home from the hospital!

In Romania, Mitev Jordanov is a contractor by trade and had injured his back in a building accident. After a few days in hospital doctors told him he could go home, but that he could only be transported lying flat on his back. Problem was he was building in a remote village hundreds of miles from his home. Under local laws ambulances can only be used to transport people whose lives are in serious danger. Taxi drivers also refused to take him saying they were not properly insured. So Mitev borrowed a hearse from a friend who runs a funeral home, and rode in a coffin all the way back to Romania. He explained, “It was the only way we could think of to make sure I lay completely flat all the way.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

So often when we walk through a crushing experience, we feel like God is a million miles away. The enemy tells us that God does not care and is not interested in our problems. David reminds us, however, that God is nearest to us when we are broken in heart.
When the earth was dark and without form, the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters (Genesis 1:2). Never forget: Whenever your life seems dark and no solution is in sight, the Spirit of God is actually hovering over you, guarding you in the midst of trial.
Someone once said, “When you have a broken heart, you must give God the broken part.” David gave God his broken heart in repentance after his sin with Bathsheba and reminded God that “the sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:17). God responded by healing David’s broken heart and restoring his soul.
You must bring your broken heart to God and let Him heal it, for a “broken spirit saps a person’s strength” (Proverbs 17:22). Go to Jesus with your broken heart, for He was anointed to “comfort the brokenhearted” (Isaiah 61:1). Why not reach out and ask the Holy Spirit to touch you where no human surgeon can? He is near. Let Him do His work right now.

–Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE ONLY ONE

Read: Psalm 34

The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers. —1 Peter 3:12

As a teacher with many years of experience in high school and college classrooms, I have observed many kinds of students.

One in particular is what I call the “just me and the teacher” student. This pupil has a kind of one-on-one conversation with the teacher—almost as if no one else were in the class. The teacher’s rhetorical questions, for instance, result in verbal answers from this student—oblivious to anyone else’s reaction. While the class is filled with other pupils, this one seems to think it’s “just me and the teacher.”

As I watched one of these students recently and saw him command the teacher’s attention, I thought, He’s on to something. He has the focus we all need to have when we pray.

The thought that millions of other Christians are talking to God as we pray should never cause us to feel that we are less important. No, as we talk to our everywhere-present, all-knowing, all-powerful God, we can be confident that He is giving us His full attention. David said, “This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him” (Psalm 34:6). God directs single-minded attention toward our praise, our requests, and our concerns.

When you pray, to Him you are the only one. —Dave Branon

So lift up your heart to the heavens;
There’s a loving and kind Father there
Who offers release—comfort and peace—
In the silent communion of prayer. —Anon.

Though millions are bending God’s ear in prayer, He listens to each individually.

LEFTOVERS

SMILE!

Can a human being grow new teeth even after replacing baby teeth?  One man has!

A 95-year-old Vietnamese man who watched his teeth gradually drop out for 20 years has started teething again and now has a dozen new ones. The man (Nguyen Cong Du) started teething again about five years ago, growing both front and molar teeth that are “as white as the baby-teeth.” He has now been able to switch away from what had become routine meals of broth, to Vietnam’s popular steamed rice.  ***MARLAR: Rice?  You’ve moved UP to rice?  Dude – you have teeth – go for the T-bone!

LIFE… LIVE IT

A CLEAN HOUSE CAN MAKE YOU SICK!

Don’t keep your house too clean because it could make you sick. Researchers have found that people who live in immaculate homes are never exposed to the small amounts of bacteria that could immunize them against ailments like Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis. ***MARLAR: Live in my home office a couple of days and you’ll never need to be vaccinated for anything ever again.

JUST FOR FUN

JOB DESPERATION

A man paints himself white because he can’t get a job.  Is it due to racism?  Not quite.

A Romanian man has painted himself white and threatened to jump off the roof of a block of flats because he is sick of being unemployed. Aurel Herda has complained the government is whitewashing the economy. Fire crews and medical staff finally convinced him to come down.  ***MARLAR: I’m sure he has to beat potential employers off with a stick now.

FUN LIST

MIXED UP SCRABBLE

  • DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

  • PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

  • ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

  • DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

  • THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

  • GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

  • THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

  • SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

  • ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

  • ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

  • SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

  • A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

  • MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

7 SMART RESUME WHITE LIES (shine.yahoo.com)

Everyone bends the truth a little sometimes — is it okay to bend your resume?

To declare in writing that you were the associate vice president of your company for four years when you were really just an assistant running around getting coffee is never acceptable. Nor is claiming that you attended an entirely different school or got a degree from said school even though you were three credits short.  Playing it like that is certainly not the way to get ahead. You’ve heard of background checks and, um, Facebook, right?  But sometimes it’s okay to omit certain information on your resume to make you a more viable candidate. Those ever increasing housing bills and tuition for the kids gotta get paid somehow. Here are a few widely accepted ways you can teeter that line without feeling like you’ve checked your ethics at the door …

1. When your resume is too many pages long: You don’t need to go on and on about your 15+ years of experience if your resume is starting to hit the dreaded three-page mark. You especially don’t need to discuss anything you did in high school, nor should you talk about your job as a cashier at Target when you have 10+ years of more recent and relevant experience.

2. When you’re an older worker, and you fear age discrimination: It’s illegal, but many companies discriminate candidates based on age. If you list your graduation date, it’s easy for them to estimate how old you are. Of course, if you have a face-to-face interview, your boss will be able to guess your age. But at least you’d have a chance to wow the interviewer who may not have even called you back in the first place. If your field is notorious for age discrimination (let’s face it, some are), you can also leave off jobs that could indicate how old you are if you have more recent experience that makes up for it.

3. When your skills or passions have no significance to the job you’re applying for: So you love dancing and college football. You won a pageant when you were 17. You were the starter of your Division III college soccer team. Your boss most likely won’t care about any of these. Career experience will always look far more impressive than anything that’s personally important to you. You may think it sets you apart from other candidates, but your qualifications and professional skills will impress your potential manager the most. Unless, of course, you are applying for a dancing instructor job — then go ahead and talk about all your dancing experience. Bottom line: Tailor your resume to the job’s specific qualifications.

4. When you think you can learn a required skill before you start the job: Who doesn’t know how to use Word nowadays? And everyone’s an “effective communicator” and “team player.” If the job requires you to know a program that you’re not familiar with, list it on your resume (as long as it isn’t too technical and requires years of study to master — use your best judgment). Ask for help from friends or friendly acquaintances in the field to give you a how-to. Many will be happy to help, and you won’t be going into the interview being completely ignorant of the new skill. Then you can pick up everything else you need to know on the job.

5. When your experience speaks volumes more than your grades: The rule of thumb is if your GPA is less than 3.0, don’t include it. But if you’ve been in your field for 5+ years, your experience is far more important than your GPA, so unless you’re super-proud of it, you can leave it off entirely.

6. When you’d rather not advertise crappy references: There is no need to take up precious resume space with the contact information of all your references. You don’t even need to take up a line that says “references available upon request.” All employers should know that you’d give references if you’re asked for them.

7. When you’re unsure how to present yourself if you just got fired/laid off: There’s no requirement that says you have to state why you left any of your jobs on your resume. Use your resume as a stepping stone to getting an interview. It’s easier to talk about why you got fired or laid off and have a response prepared in person instead of having words like “fired” or “quit” or “personal reasons” on your resume, which are big red flags for managers and recruiters. Still include an end date and list everything you learned while you were at that job. Then figure out how to address your termination once you get that phone call to set up a meeting.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Are you raising a future leader? Here are ten ways to encourage leadership skills in your child from iMom.

1. Let them solve their own problems.

2. Teach them how to make decisions.

3. Help them practice their listening skills.

4. Apologize when necessary.

5. Encourage them to start something.

6. Allow them to delegate.

7. Sharpen their communication skills.

8. Show them how to be a servant leader.

9. Reward them for honoring a commitment.

10. Encourage them to dream big.

Read each of these points in expanded detail at http://bit.ly/29Uiy3V

An Australian Uber driver is on a mission — ensuring that young women get home safely. Her name is Kathy Raydings, but she’s more often referred to as Grandma Uber. She’s been on the road for about seven months, picking up 480 to 500 passengers per week. Raydings told ABC News, “I needed to find a way to work for myself, doing something that I enjoyed.” The 57 year old decided to become a driver and discovered a newfound joy in her new job — ensuring young women got home safely. http://abcn.ws/2blMJza

A teen who walked more than eight miles to work every day got an unexpected gift earlier this month. South Dakota troopers stopped Tanner as he walked along Interstate 229 a few weeks ago. They learned that he was walking to and from work, everyday, over 8 miles. After discussing the situation with colleagues the officers decided they would use their resources and find him a bike. On Aug. 16, troopers gave him a new bike.

http://newcountry999.com/cops-give-bike-to-teen-with-8-mile-walking-commute/

When a woman in Laos accepted Christ she knew her faith would come with a cost. Her husband was the village police chief. He was also the man responsible to make sure no more people in the village became Christians. When she followed Christ her husband pressured her to renounce her faith; then he beat her. Then he threatened her life. Her response: she answered “I’m willing to die.” Watch the short video and find out what happened to her.  http://bit.ly/1udPCGJ

The church in Iran is being called one of the greatest stories in the world today. The Iranian revolution of 1979 established a hard-line Islamic regime. Over the next two decades, Christians faced increasing opposition and persecution. Officials at TGC say persecution threatened to wipe out Iran’s tiny church. Instead, the church in Iran has become the fastest growing in the world, and it is influencing the region for Christ. In fact, more Iranians have become Christians in the last 20 years than in the previous 13 centuries put together. http://thegspl.co/2bvKS8C

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. –Quentin Crisp

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 26, 2016…

Blood Father—Mel Gibson is back in action in this thriller about a man trying to rescue his kidnapped family. Other stars include Diego Luna, William H. Macy and Thomas Mann. “Blood Father” is rated R. No rating.

Don’t Breathe—When teens get restless, they sometimes get into trouble.  Such is the premise of this film starring Jane Levy. A group decides to break into the house of a blind man, but meet with surprises.  Also in the cast is Stephan Lang. “Don’t Breathe” is rated R. No rating.

Hands Of Stone—Edgar Ramirez takes on the role of the fighter Roberto Duran in this biopic. Robert De Niro is Duran’s coach. Fighting your way up the ranks is sometimes a brutal business. “Hands Of Stone” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of the sport.

Mechanic: Resurrection–Can you keep a good movie title down?  No, not when Jason Statham is involved.  Here he is back in action and trying  to rescue his girlfriend. Jessica Alba is also in the cast. “Mechanic: Resurrection” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Hollars—John Krasinski (“The Office”) writes and directs this film about a man going to visit his family and finding they are still as dysfunctional as usual. The cast includes Sharito Copley, Anna Kendrick and Charlie Day. “The Hollars” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 02, 2016…

Equity (opening from an earlier date) stars Anna Gunn as a business woman fighting the Glass Ceiling.

The 9th Life Of Louis Drax is a thriller about a child who keeps having accidents and the doctor who tries to help him.  Stars Jamie Dorman and Aiden Longworth.

The Light Between Oceans from M. L. Stedman’s novel, nas Michael Fassbinder as a man in Australia who adopts a baby he found.

Morgan is a science fiction film about making a decision to keep an artificial life form or not. Stars Kate Mara.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.