Comedy for Football Fans…

Tonight I have the opportunity to host an event where the keynote speaker is the new head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, Jim Caldwell. 

Problem… I know nothing of football.  NOTHING.  But they paid me to do some comedy and introduce the guy – so I have to come up with something.  Here’s what I came up with…


The Indianapolis Colts new head coach, Jim Caldwell is here tonight! Football.  I’m a big guy… you’re blind if you can’t see that.  A lot of people say I look like a football player.  They assume I lift weights.  They ask, “how much do you bench?”  I tell them “the whole game!” 
Why they asked me to be your host tonight is beyond me because I don’t do sports.  I’m a comedian – the closest thing to football I ever come is when I’m flipping through the channels and I happen to come across a Cubs game.  Oh… Bears?  SEE?!?!
So, imagine what it was like for me, trying to sit down and write some football jokes.  I immediately ran into a mental block. 
Hey, MENTAL BLOCK… THAT is a football joke!  Alright!  First down, nine to go! 
FIRST DOWN!!!  Hey, this is going to be a lot easier than I thought!  
To me, a quarterback was what you received when you gave the cashier a buck for a 75-cent Kit Kat candy bar. 
To me, HIKE meant  walking four miles to the nearest gas station because I didn’t fill the gas tank.
To me, shoulder pads are what girls had in the 1980’s.  Come to think of it, so were tight ends. 
I’ve just never really been into sports at all.   Like when I was playing ball.  I told my coach I’d swing as hard as I could to hit a touchdown.  Yes, I was that bad.  I struck out four times in a row… then came the resulting beat-down from my own tee-ball team.  How do you strike out four times in a row playing tee-ball? 
I blame my dad – he was there every single game, keep your eye on the ball son… (place eye on tee, hit head with bat – CONK!)  Hey guys, help me find my eyeball!!!! 
And after every game, all dads say the same thing, don’t they?  “It’s not whether you win or lose, ……”  How come dads never say stuff you really want them to say?  You know something like, “What do you need to go out and get a job for?  I’ve got plenty of money for you to spend!”  Or maybe, “no son of mine is gonna life under this roof without a nose ring – now quit your bellyaching and let’s go to the mall!” 
The one thing my dad did say that I liked was “you need to play football.”  Well… my football career began and ended when I was in the sixth grade.  The first game of the season my mother called me over at halftime.  Was she concerned that I was hurt?  Did she want to congratulate me for a great play on the field?  No. 
My position on the team was… hunchback… because that’s what I looked like while keeping that bench warm.  No… my mother called me over at halftime, took off my helmet, and right there in front of the entire team decided to comb my hair.  She even used a pink brush.  I only wish that was a joke. 
I didn’t even bother going back for the second half.   I knew I’d end up being stuffed in a locker.
Fortunately, some endured the hardships of school-age football… and actually made their way to the pros.   Jim Caldwell is one.  Jim Caldwell enters his first season as head coach of the Colts.  I found out yesterday that’s a football team. 
Caldwell has served with Indianapolis for the past seven years. He was elevated to associate head coach in January 2008, and he spent his first three seasons as quarterbacks coach before moving to assistant head coach before the 2005 season. 
Under Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis ranked 3rd in AFC passing, 5th in the NFL, in 2008. In fact, the Colts rank in the top four in NFL scoring offense in eight of the past 10 years.  The Colts have ranked in the top three in AFC passing offense, and top six in the NFL, for eleven consecutive seasons, including six times as the conference leader. 
Even if you’re like me – a moron when it comes to football – you can’t help but know the names of Peyton Manning and Brett Favre… quarterbacks who have succeeded under Jim Caldwell’s leadership. 
Jim Caldwell has been a bigger influence on the game of football than probably even HE will ever know.  Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the head coach of the Indianapolis Colts… Jim Caldwell!


Hope this works.  I plan to get my check before I take the stage… just in case.

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