Crappy New Year! Welcome to 2013.

Woke up this morning to the first official work day of the new year, full of enthusiasm at starting anew, invigorated to get back to my normal schedule and take a page out of Elvis’ playbook by “TCB – Taking Care of Business”.

But my exuberance was short-lived.

Upon listening to the news I discovered that beginning immediately I’ll be paying another $300/month in payroll taxes thanks to our elected officials not playing nicely in the sandbox, Republican leaders literally cussing-out Democrat leaders, and Republicans themselves having a Not-So-Civil War in the House while doing their best impressions of Thelma and Louise driving that 1966 Thunderbird into mid-air.

Speaking of vehicles, we also discovered this morning that my bride’s truck has decided the holidays are not truly over and refused to wake up.  Even jumper cables were no use (you’d think electrocution would wake anybody up, right?).  This truck was not about to climb out of bed and start the work week.  So, my bride had to reluctantly take my car – leaving me without a vehicle for who knows how long.  I guess I’ll be hitching a ride to Chicago tomorrow for that film audition.

Of course, in order to get the truck fixed, we had to call a tow truck – which costs money.  Then we’ll also be spending money to get the truck itself fixed.  And we’ll be doing this with $300 less per month in my future paychecks thanks to our over-spending, over-taxing, grossly-overpaid government.  Thanks, guys!

So we took a look at the checkbook… and wouldn’t you know, it refused to balance.  No prodding, begging, or cajoling would help.  I mean, it’s not like we were asking the checkbook to spin dozens of plates all at once on late-night television or anything – we just wanted it to do math in proper fashion.  But no.  It refused.  Robin and I both looked through it and couldn’t figure why it was giving us so much “I hate math, I refuse to do math” attitude – we even threatened to take away its allowance.  No help there either.  We should’ve expected it to act like a spoiled brat, I guess.  The checkbook even insists on wearing a “faux leather” jacket instead of real leather for some uppity “I’m more important and enlightened than you” reason.  Never mind the fact that it’s made of paper and is partially responsible for the destruction of the rainforests.  But then, try explaining hypocrisy to a hypocrite.  They never get it.  So we’ll be bringing our frustration to the nice folks at the credit union to see if perhaps they can bring a little balance to our lives.

Needless to say, this made for a very frustrating morning.  The solution to frustration?  Coffee, what else?  So I made coffee.  Well, I attempted to make coffee.  Actually, what I did was do everything I typically do to make coffee – except make coffee.  I walked away thinking I’d come back to a piping hot carafe of Joe.  What I came back to was a piping hot carafe of hot air (although this time our government officials were not involved in the spewing of it).  It seems that coffee can only be made if you add water to Mr. Coffee before brewing.  Gee, who knew?  So I added water – and the heating element exploded as I poured cold water in.  Did you know they made exploding coffee makers?  Why are we wasting valuable time in movies placing aerosol cans in microwaves when we could just offer our arch enemies a pot of java?  Come to think of it, how do those aerosol cans know to explode exactly when the microwave counts down to zero?  Every… single… time.  Those are some intelligent hairspray cans.  Apparently, they can do math better than my wife’s checkbook.

So, at the risk of sounding like a third-grader.  I call “do over”.  I want to rewind this year back to yesterday and start 2013 all over again.  Can we do that?  No?  Fine.  Then I’m going to crawl back into bed and call it quits for the day.  If you need me, the jumper cables are in the garage.

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