Darren Marlar Comedy Newsletter – December, 2009

How sad is it that I’ve got my web browser set up to automatically update me every time someone comments on my Facebook or Twitter pages?  Is it bad that I get an email whenever someone sends me a message on MySpace?  Wow… come to think of it, I’m pretty sure the only friends I have are online.  I’m surprised I didn’t meet my wife on eHarmony.com.  (Actually, I got her by calling 1-800-MARRY-UP.)
SHOUTLIFE: http://www.shoutlife.com/darrenmarlar (at last count 17,384 friends!)
MYSPACE: http://www.myspace.com/marlarcomedy (at last count 4,232 friends!)
FACEBOOK: http://www.twitter.com/darrenfans (at last count 1,459 fans – I spend most of my time here now!)
TWITTER: http://www.twitter.com/darrenmarlar (at last count 436 followers… pathetic, just pathetic…)


o    Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the Lazy-Boy.
o    The “Gravy Boat” your wife sets out is a real 12-foot boat!
o    You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
o    Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yields gravy.
o    That rash on your stomach is a steering wheel burn.
o    Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
o    You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the Earth’s axis.
o    Right this minute you’re lapping up pie on the carpet.
o    You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid July.
o    Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
o    You step onto the mall escalator and it immediately grinds to a halt.
o    The CEO of the Butterball Corporation calls to thank you for your business.
o    People start asking when the baby’s due.
o    You cancel your cab to the airport and reschedule with U-Haul.
o    You’re sweatin’ cranberry sauce.

Yep!  I’m now an internationally known radio personality!  (Well, if you consider two radio stations in the United States and one in Canada as “international.”)  Currently my radio show is heard in Rockford, IL; Wilmington, NC; and Iqaluit, NU in Canada!  If my show isn’t in your town, please contact your favorite radio station and ask for them to put it on the air (I’ll even play the songs they want me to play)!  Tell them you want “The Darren Marlar Radio Show” and have them contact us for details on how to get it!  Meanwhile, you can listen to podcasts of the show (without the music – sorry!) on my website at http://www.DarrenMarlar.com!

So, you’re excited about getting that new super-thin cell phone that takes photos and holds 100 songs, are you?  Oh puh-leeze… that is SO mid-March, 2009.  I’m guessing your family also plays games on giant cardboard squares with dice and tiny pieces of plastic you have to move by hand.  How positively ancient!
The newest cell phones allow you to watch American Idol or Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.  TV phones are everywhere.  In fact, Samsung is working feverishly on an even more futuristic cell phone that can, “feel, think… and reproduce” and have “artificial chromosomes.”  (I’m suddenly feeling very uncomfortable about doing or saying anything in the vicinity of my ultra-modern cell phone.  Still though, I must keep it – otherwise, how would people know that I’m still cool?)
Of course, cell phones are just one aspect of our lives where we feel the need to continually upgrade, refine, add-to, etc.  But it doesn’t stop there.  When’s the last time you shaved using a razor with less than three blades without feeling like you’ve slighted yourself from getting the closest shave possible?  I’m guessing that some time in the next six years we’ll have a ten blade razor called “The Decathalon” which will shave you so close that a doctor will be required to be on stand-by with an I.V. and blood bag – just in case.
Couldn’t we incorporate the latest technologies into church?  We could offer live services to anybody with a cell phone!  Get the full interactive church experience with overlaying graphics of the pastor’s sermon notes right there on your display!  Download the worship lyrics and use your hands-free setting as you listen and raise your hands in worship!  The offering?  Surf the web and tithe using PayPal or your debit card!  Use text-messaging to send an exuberant “amen” or “preach it” to the pastor when he says something you agree with!  Send prayer-requests to the elders via T.M.!  It’ll be the Ultimate Cyber-Praise Church!
You’ll have to excuse me now.  I’m working on my own ultra-cool cell phone idea.  It will have email, take photos, hold 8,000 songs and full-length movies, have artificial intelligence, and contain a multi-blade razor.  It’ll enrich the lives of millions who want to simultaneously reach out and touch someone while watching TV, downloading MP3s and getting a baby smooth close shave.
I tried creating a phone that wouldn’t lose its signal… but some things just aren’t possible.

I’m totally stoked about the upcoming COLLISION OF COMEDY TOUR! We’re taking it on the road, travelling from town to town with me as your comedy host.  It’s a huge night of clean, family-friendly standup comedy with three or four comedians back to back, leaving you with your eyes soaked and your sides split.  THE COLLISION OF COMEDY TOUR is specifically designed (and priced) for churches and non-profit organizations as an outreach or fundraising opportunity.  We work with you to create not only an amazing show, but to also build a relationship with a local radio station that will want to get behind your event and support it with free on-air advertising.  Plus, the radio station we team up with could possibly promote your event on their website and conduct on-air interviews with the comedians!  The station will also be encouraged to take a vested interest in your event, ensuring a much larger audience at your show.  Also promoting your show through their newsletters and websites will be the comedians and the host of the Collision of Comedy Tour, me!  I’ll bring some of the funniest up-and-coming comedians in the industry to your town – a different lineup of comedians every time the tour comes back to your city!  THE COLLISION OF COMEDY TOUR is booking dates now for February through May.  For more information, contact Lee Porter at lporter@aspiringmark.com or call 615-656-5987. First on the list… February 5th… Fox River Church in Milwaukee, Wisconsin!  (More details to come!)

I was on my way home from a comedy gig in southern Illinois when my GPS suddenly lost power. I had no idea how much I relied on “Imogene” until she abruptly decided to give me the silent treatment. (I named my GPS Imogene because that’s my mother-in-law’s name and she also likes to tell me where to go.)
I was stuck with a farmer’s soybean field on one side of me, and on the other side… uh… oh, look at that… more soybeans! I looked for a map, or an atlas. Nothing. I pulled out my laptop computer to log on to MapQuest… still nothing. Apparently soybean farmers don’t have much of a need to set up Wi-Fi for their tractors and silos. Sure, the horses, cows, and chickens would probably love visiting websites about animals, but without opposable thumbs, it’d be difficult to type “w-w-w-dot-my-animal-genealogy-dot-com.”
So I continued driving, hoping to find some semblance of civilization and came to Perry, Illinois. Perry is a very small town.
“How small is it?” you might ask. Thank you for asking.
The town is so small that the Perry Bank is made from a wooden shed you can buy on the sidewalk outside of your local Home Depot. No joke.  Of course, there is no local Home Depot in Perry, because the town consists of only two buildings.  Essentially, the bank was nothing more than a safe with a drive-up window and an ATM.
Perry has another ATM not more than twenty feet from the bank inside the town’s only other business: The Perry Quick Mart (which also doubles as the town’s only restaurant and as station). Of course, gas stations that serve food aren’t really all that uncommon – many truck stops are set up to supply gas for both you and your vehicle.
But the Perry Quick Mart is much more. This tiny mobile-home-sized structure also contained the town’s only video store. (Back to the Future Part 2 just made it to the shelves – guaranteed in stock or your rental is free!)
Need groceries? You’re going to the Perry Quick Mart. (Your milk is best if purchased by three days ago.)
Want to mingle with the townsfolk? Pull up a table (they have five), and enjoy a lazy Saturday afternoon of town gossip.
What really caught my eye though was the back room of this gas station. Believe it or not, it was set up as an all-purpose meeting/party room. Perfect not only for the monthly Perry Possum Lodge events and regular City Council Meetings, but also to act as the town’s only church.
Yep… if you want to find God in Perry, you’ll find Him on Sunday mornings in the back room of the town’s gas station, along with the preacher who also has to watch the front of the store in case a customer comes in, and the co-pastor who has grease and ketchup stains on his shirt because immediately before passing the church collection plate, he had to fry a plate of onion rings for an out of town traveler.
If you ever find yourself driving through Perry, Illinois, stop in to the Perry Quick Mart (also known as the BP gas station). The burgers are great… and so is the personality of the lady behind the counter.
But don’t look for an Illinois map if you’re lost… you’re not going to find one.

My new CD is out – and it still has that “new CD smell” and is chock full of fun and hilarity!  I even sing a couple of songs on the CD (but don’t let that dissuade you – please buy it anyway)!  It’s all FAMILY-FRIENDLY, so it makes a great stocking stuffer or Christmas gift for the comedy-lover on your gift list!  Get the CD now at http://www.DarrenMarlar.com!

Have you ever run into a deer with your car? It happens all too often and they are trying to do something about it in New York. To help prevent this from happening any more than it already does, the New York State Thruway Authority has put up an 8-foot sign near Rochester that says: “Be Alert – Attack Deer – Next 10 miles.” Meantime, the Thruway has been fielding calls from residents who are very upset that they would use the term “Attack Deer”. They have been reminding authorities how gentle Bambi was.  That’s Moment of Duh #1 – New Yorkers thinking that an animated talking deer somehow represents reality.  But another Moment of Duh has also taken place, as the Thruway has agreed to change the sign.  ***MARLAR: Now we know where Grandma got run over.

I include a few of these every single day on Facebook, Twitter, and at www.DarrenMarlar.com.  (Just another reason to keep up with me online aside from just this newsletter!)

A study has found that fish in Washington’s Spokane River have an extremely high concentration of toxic flame retardants. ***MARLAR: You can still catch the fish but you’ll have a heck of a time trying to fry one.

Giving kids too much candy could lead them to murder, says a new study. Research published in the British Journal of Psychiatry shows that children who ate sweets daily were prone to commit savage crimes as adults. “Giving children candy and chocolate regularly may stop them from learning how to wait to obtain something they want,” says a study participant. “Not being able to defer gratification may push them toward more impulsive behavior, which is strongly associated with delinquency.” ***MARLAR: So for healthy, well-adjusted kids – don’t give them what they want when they want it. In fact, force them to wait and open Christmas gifts on January 4th.

A German man was so angry that his girlfriend loved her pet guinea pig more than him that he killed the guinea pig, cooked it in a romantic dinner, then told her what she’d just eaten. ***MARLAR: Wow… lucky gal!  How many men are able to cook a romantic dinner?

Teenagers whose ring finger is longer than their index finger are likely to score higher on the math section of the SAT, while those whose index finger is longer will do better on the reading and writing sections, according to researchers from the University of Bath in Great Britain. ***MARLAR: And you thought dad was only joking around when he told you to pull his finger.

A British professor believes that a preservative in soft drinks might speed up the aging process. ***MARLAR: Not much of a preservative then, is it?

It’s estimated that last year over 300,000 people got sick from eating bad Thanksgiving leftovers. ***MARLAR: Which totally ruined their 4th of July picnics.

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