Darren Marlar Comedy Newsletter – January, 2010

IF I USE TWITTER AND FACEBOOK, AM I A “TWIT FACE?”

SHOUTLIFE: http://www.shoutlife.com/darrenmarlar (at last count 17,384 friends!)

MYSPACE: http://www.myspace.com/marlarcomedy (at last count 4,232 friends!)

FACEBOOK: http://www.twitter.com/darrenfans (at last count 1,459 fans – I spend most of my time here now!)

TWITTER: http://www.twitter.com/darrenmarlar (at last count 436 followers… pathetic, just pathetic…)

FAILED NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

January 1st – I resolve to lose weight. Day one.

January 2nd – I use the treadmill.

January 8th – Say, what was my New Year’s resolution again?  Gee… I can’t remember now.

That’s how it always happens. In January I promise I’m going to do 100 sit-ups a day, give up sugar, run five miles each morning, and contribute all of my spare change to those less fortunate while volunteering at the local mission each evening instead of watching television.  About three hours later I find out exactly how weak my resolve truly is when I hear the muffled sound of the vanilla ice cream calling me from the freezer. I try to ignore it, but end up failing. I give up and say to myself, “Oh well – maybe next year. Now where’s that chocolate sauce? Hmmm… a new episode of CSI is on tonight. Ooh, it’s an eight hour CSI marathon… sweet!”

After forty-one years on this planet I’ve yet to endure more than a couple of weeks before my New Year’s resolutions crumble. And those are the easy ones. So rather than give up this year, I’ve come up with my own personal New Year’s resolutions list that I know will be practically impossible NOT to keep. I resolve…

To finally get around to changing the coffee in the coffee maker.

When I hear a funny joke, to not reply, “LOL… LOL”

Not to get involved with rap music.

To take all the vacation time that’s coming to me.

If someone offers me a cold Pepsi, to smile and say, “Thanks, don’t mind if I do.”

When I get my paychecks this year, to cash them promptly.

If the IRS sends me any back this year, not to argue with them about it.

To not walk a tight-rope while gargling peanut butter. (I borrowed this one from my father – and he’s still going strong after many, many years without breaking it. Way to go, Dad! We’re proud of you!)

But then, resolutions and promises such as this aren’t going to help me grow all that much as a human being or as a Christian, are they? The problem is that it takes character to keep the worthwhile promises – even those promises I make only to myself. And building character is hard work.

We all will fail, because we are all human. I can encourage others when they fall and forgive them if they wrong me. I can lift them up, and say, “Hey, welcome to the human race! You okay? Good. I forgive you – now let’s get you back up on that horse…”

But when it comes to my own failures, I rarely leave room for forgiveness and second chances. Why is that? Am I not just as important and loved by God as that person I just encouraged and forgave a few moments ago?

I just recently came to the realization that our failed New Year’s resolutions are a wonderful example of God’s love and forgiveness. Really – because our failures in these resolutions are so obvious and greatly magnified in our own eyes. We can’t help but see how big of a failure we are! We promise to pray every day, to stop drinking, smoking, to stop swearing, to read our bible every day, to honor God in everything we do… and then we fail.

Fortunately, that’s when God steps in and says, “Hey, welcome to the human race! You okay? Good. I forgive you – now let’s get you back up on that horse…”

THE COLLISION OF COMEDY TOUR

What do you get when you bring me and three of my comedy friends to your town?  You get THE COLLISION OF COMEDY – a huge night of clean, family-friendly standup comedy!  THE COLLISION OF COMEDY is your ticket for a successful outreach or fundraising event.

Specifically designed (and priced) for moderate sized churches and organizations as an outreach or fundraising opportunity, THE COLLISION OF COMEDY partners with both your organization and your local Christian radio station.  We work with you to create not only an amazing show, but to also build a lasting relationship. By uniquely partnering with radio, THE COLLISION OF COMEDY TOUR will encourage your radio station to take a vested interest in your event, ensuring a much larger audience at your show.  They will get behind your event and support it with free on-air advertising.  Plus, the radio station will have opportunity to conduct on-air interviews with the comedians!

Your host for THE COLLISION OF COMEDY is Yours Truly – and I’ll bring some of the funniest up-and-coming clean comedians in the industry to your town – a different lineup of comedians every time the tour returns to your city!

THE COLLISION OF COMEDY is booking dates now for 2010.  For more information, contact Lee Porter at lporter@aspiringmark.com or call 615-656-5987!

“TRUTH OR DARREN” CD NOW AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.COM!

My new CD is out – and it still has that “new CD smell” and is chock full of fun and hilarity!  I even sing a couple of songs on the CD (but don’t let that dissuade you – please buy it anyway)!  It’s all FAMILY-FRIENDLY, so it is a great gift for anyone!  Get the CD now at Amazon.com, just search for “Truth or Darren”!

MOMENT OF DUH

Acting out today’s Moment of DUH could get you labeled a Grinch – and possibly kicked out of your church!

Four teens in Sayerville, NJ stole 27 baby Jesus statues from nativity scenes outside churches and homes and planned to burn them.  Like most of our Moment of Duh subjects, the reasons are usually multi-layered.  Stealing one baby Jesus isn’t enough, apparently – but an obscure number like 27 puts you at the top of the list of inDUHviduals.  Then you get to the subject of “layers” of DUH.  Usually that can be found in the “why” of an event.  In this one, for example, “why” they did it would place them in DUH territory by itself:  “We just wanted to see their heads burning,” one of them said.  And you can see what I mean – that statement is just plain brilliant.  Genius doesn’t fall very far from the tree either.  Robert Olsen, father of Christopher, one of the thief-geniuses, said of his unemployed/high school dropout/already-on-probation-for-a-disorderly-persons-offense-for-a-“disagreement-with-a-neighbor”-son, “Chris is sometimes misguided”.

DARREN’S DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

I include a few of these every single day on Facebook, Twitter, and at www.DarrenMarlar.com.  (Just another reason to keep up with me online aside from just this newsletter!)

A two-year-old boy dining at a California Applebee’s was mistakenly served a margarita in his sippy cup.  ***MARLAR: The parents knew something was wrong when their child suddenly did absolutely nothing to embarrass them.

A survey by Solutions Research Group found 63% of Blackberry owners have used their PDA in the bathroom.  ***MARLAR: And the other 37% are liar-liar-liars!!!!

The Philadelphia School District paid $700,000 for a management study that found they were inefficient and incompetent; and when a newspaper asked to see it, it took them a week to find a copy.  ***MARLAR: Proving the study was accurate.

A 16th-century, first edition of, “Heavenly Spheres,” the book in which Nicolaus Copernicus puts forth his theory that the sun – not the earth — is at the center of the universe has fetched more than 2 million dollars at a Christie’s auction.  ***MARLAR: The SUN?!?!  I thought Brad and Angelina were the center of the universe!

A new study indicates that just about “everybody is doing it” – that is, checking personal e-mail and surfing the ‘Net while on the clock — and that includes bosses.  R. Kelly Garrett (one of the study’s authors and a professor at Ohio State University) says the study finds personal Internet use isn’t limited to slackers. ***MARLAR: Yeah… so stop bugging me when I’m playing World of Warcraft.  It’s for the betterment of the company.

We love to support the arts as much as the next guy but this is outrageous. A recent Los Angeles exhibition by photographer Jill Greenberg featured 27 different photos of two and three-year-olds children crying. What makes it outrageous is why they were crying. Apparently Ms. Greenberg offered each child a lollipop and then snatched it away and photographed their reactions. She later admitted that the photos were “upsetting” but denied critics’ accusations of child abuse.  ***MARLAR: Maybe they should offer this lady her own art show, and then yank it away from her when she gets excited about it.  Maybe snap a photo of her reaction.

A German court isn’t buying a woman’s claim that she has a phobia of official letters. The court ruled against the woman after her appeal of a decision to cut off child support benefits came months after the deadline. The court rejected her case, saying it was a long-term problem, and she would’ve had plenty of time to seek help.  ***MARLAR: So if you were planning on claiming you have a phobia to paying bills, don’t.  It’s not going to work.  (Dang it.)

Mary Bussey of Denver, Colorado, looked up to see an 8-month-old baby dangling off a third floor balcony and hanging on by one tiny fist. Luckily that little kid held on just long enough for Mary to get under him, and she made a miraculous catch.  Police say the 17-year-old mother left the child in the care of her two younger brothers while she went to work.  The boys had left the door open and the baby had managed to crawl onto the balcony. The baby is now back with its mother, but under close watch of social services.  ***MARLAR: And now you know why catchers often oil their mitts with baby oil.

If you get a tattoo, be prepared for this little known side effect: The skin in that area will become less sensitive to touch reports New Scientist. A small study suggests that the tattooing process may disrupt the nerve signals to the skin.  ***MARLAR: So as touching as it may be to have “MOM” tattooed on your arm – it actually makes you less-feeling.

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