Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News – August 31, 2009

Today is LOVE LITIGATING LAWYERS DAY. ***MARLAR: Sure, you hate lawyers… but only until you need one!

Today is INVENT A NEW SANDWICH DAY. ***MARLAR: Go ahead, you can do it… and maybe you can name it after my show! Of course, that would require it having lots of cheese!

Today is NATIONAL TRAIL MIX DAY. ***MARLAR: Never did like that stuff. And why do they call it trail mix, anyway? If it’s because you eat it while hiking the trail, that could refer to anything – my chocolate doughnuts qualify as trail mix at that point. Or is it trail mix because it looks like something you might find on the trail? And if so, why on earth would you eat it?

Scientists are only months away from creating artificial life. Dr Craig Venter – one of the world’s most famous and controversial biologists – said his U.S. researchers have overcome one of the last big hurdles to making a synthetic organism. The first artificial lifeform is likely to be a simple man-made bacterium that proves that the technology can work. But it will be followed by more complex bacteria that turn coal into cleaner natural gas, or algae that can soak up carbon dioxide and convert it into fuels. ***MARLAR: Eventually leading to Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to run down Sarah Connor with a big truck. 

Although Simon Cowell is usually difficult to impress, one contestant on UK’s ‘The X Factor’ managed to blow away the judge. 27-year-old Danyl Johnson hit the stage with an energetic performance of The Beatles’ ‘With a Little Help from My Friends.’ Cowell smiled and clapped during the audition, finally giving a standing ovation.”That was single-handedly the best first audition I have ever heard,” Cowell said. ***MARLAR: Meanwhile, the big news in America is people dressing up in costumes to get on the new “Let’s Make a Deal.”

An unknown creature caught on video lurking beneath a lagoon in West Palm Beach, Fla., has the city wondering what it could be? The mysterious creature was videotaped by the LagoonKeepers.org, a group that patrols the city’s waterways in search of debris. “I hollered out … and said, ‘What is that?’ We followed it, started taking video,” said Greg Reynolds, a member of the group. Don Serrano, who was with Reynolds, said the creature was “different, very different.” Reynolds said he and Serrano tried to catch up to it, but that every time they would get close to it, “it would just disappear.” ***MARLAR: So he nicknamed the creature “The World Series Winning Chicago Cubs.”

Donald May probably wishes he had not taken some breath mints to freshen his breath recently. According to May, it was his bad timing to be chewing on breath mints when he was pulled over for an expired tag on his car. The arresting officer thought the mints looked like crack cocaine and threw Mays in the slammer for drug possession. May’s life was turned upside down when he was unable to bond out. While in jail for three months, he lost his job, was evicted from his apartment and his car was auctioned off. May was released from jail once the Florida Department of Law Enforcement and the state attorney’s office sent a letter stating that the test results confirmed there were no illegal substances. ***MARLAR: And the good news is that his breath is minty fresh so he can talk to a lawyer. 

In Fort Myers, Florida, 21-year-old Yunet Linares went into the McDonald’s where her mother happens to work and ordered some food. However, apparently they got her order wrong and when Yunet went to complain to employee William Russell an argument ensued and Yunet slapped Russell in the face! Russell then grabbed Yunet and pushed her against the wall in self-defense. Her mother, Maria Figueredo, then got in on the action and attacked Russell from behind, hitting him in the head. Police then got there and arrested Ms. Linares. Amazingly her mother was not arrested because police say she didn’t see the initial slap and thought she was coming to the aid of her daughter. ***MARLAR: She wanted an Extra Value Meal – she got an Extra Value Mêlée! 

According to the International Egg Commission Hungarian men eat an average of 300 eggs a year. Making them the leading egg consumers in the world. ***MARLAR: Of course they eat more – every morning they wake up in Hungary! 

A socialist political party is pressing to give human rights to apes. ***MARLAR: Bad idea. Have these people never SEEN “Planet of the Apes”?

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